This Actually Happened – June 23rd, 2012

Nonsensical Ticket

These are one of those stories that are great, unless you are the unlucky shmuck involved. For the rest of my time on this planet, I will forever remember the City of Temple City as the place where dumb happens. (I know calling the place “The City of Temple City” seems redundant, but that is exactly how the ticket reads!) “Why?” You ask. I’ll tell you; because whoever is in charge of this unnecessary place is a jerk. His police officers are also jerks. The only reason I went to this place of dumb was for work. I pulled into a parking lot, which was seventy-five percent empty, of a supermarket and found an empty space. After completing my duties, I hopped into the car and drove away. A few seconds later, I noticed a pink piece of paper flapping from the windshield wiper. At first I thought it was a flyer for some local business, but I was wrong; it was a parking ticket. How the hell did I get a parking ticket? I was in a freaking parking lot! I pulled over and removed the ticket from the windshield. That’s when I was completely dumbfounded. The violation, in the City of Temple City, was for breaking the “no back-in parking” rule. That’s right; it is illegal to park with the front of your car facing out. Apparently, someone decided that it was safer to have people back out of their respective spaces, rather than drive forward. The worst part is, I didn’t back into the space; the freaking parking lot was basically desolate so I was able to pull into the space, driving forward. I’m probably going to write a letter to the parking authority in the City of Temple City. The letter will be laced with sarcasm and will probably not reduce the $55 charge. Yeah, back-in parking costs fifty five bucks in the City of Temple City. The way I see it, I learned that the City of Temple City is definitely in running for being named the dumbest city on the planet; I only had to pay fifty five American buckaroos! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Fuck the City of Temple City!


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This Actually Happened – November 18th, 2011

I wanted to write the next episode of Bagging Up, but my beloved Broncos were playing on Thursday night football, so I made the executive decision to post this instead. A new episode will be posted tomorrow!

What A Night

Every expert knows what it takes to be an NFL quarter back, and they all agree that Tim Tebow is not a good quarterback. I would agree with them, except for the fact that I know Tebow is a winner and all he does is win. The Broncos are 4-1 with Tebow at the helm and I love it! (If you’re a patsies fan, don’t thank the Broncos for beating the Jets; we will also beat your team on December 18th!)

It’s Tebow Time!!!

Why I Love Facebook

     When it comes to social media, I will add anyone. Even spam accounts. The reason is not because I have a need for friends; I just believe that I may learn something new. So far, I have a few spam followers on twitter, but my friends on Facebook are people I know. This morning, I received a friend request from a young lady. I didn’t know her, but I figured she was probably a friend of a friend and added her. Her name is Diana Oneill. (I don’t know her, so I don’t mind using the name on the profile!)I probably would have added her anyway since I have yet to deny any friend requests, but the fact that we had two mutual friends made the decision a no-brainer. Diana’s profile picture was simple and understated. I didn’t bother checking out her profile and completely forgot about her. About an hour later, I received a notice saying that I was tagged in one of Diana’s pictures. It was a simple picture, but the caption made it known that I could view naked pictures of this young lady, if I clicked on a link. I love naked women as much as the next guy, but I need my phone and I couldn’t risk clicking on a virus. Again, I completely forgot about Diana. Later on in the evening, I watched the great Tim Tebow destroy the New York Jets! (“If you ain’t a Gator, you’re Gator bait!” **I really wanted to change the wording to read “aren’t,” but it is a quote!**) After the game, I updated my Facebook status to share my feelings with the world. That’s when I found a wonderful gift. There was a notification; a man posted a comment on Diana’s picture. Here is what he wrote. (Completely unedited! Again, I don’t know the guy, so I have no problem using his real name!) Keep in mind; she was fully dressed in the picture! In fact, here is the picture.

     Larry Henry: “Hello young, I am uncertain how as to how You know me, but I would very much like if you don’t send me nude or explicit photos of you or any other females. I am an Ordained Minister who Loves TheLord and can’t imagine giving myself over to the very actions God has delivered me from. I am not perfect by any means, and I am single, but I would rather never have sex again than sin against Jesus My Lord and Savior. Im not angry with you, I’m just saying…. I know I’ve been changed. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to hit me up on fb. God bless you. LH”

It turns out that someone I know received the same friend request and he commented on the photo, as well. Unidentified Male: “‎^^ negro please”

Honestly, I was not going to say anything, but once the floodgates were opened, I had to add my two cents. Peter Teixeira: “Ha ha! This comment had me dying all night! New blog post coming tomorrow! Thanks guy!”

Is this guy a complete idiot? Does he not understand the fact that Diana does not exist and this is simply porno spam? Why would anyone write such a comment? His washed brain might look good, but I don’t think it works anymore! (At least not properly!)

I truly love Facebook! To all the wonderful people in the world, please add me as a friend and feel free to post whatever you want; I love the material! (If you would like to read about another crazy Facebook comment, click here: This Actually Happened – September 17th, 2011.)

*As of me posting this entry, Larry has yet to respond. If he decides to share anymore of his thoughts, I will definitely add his words to this posts comments.*


This Actually Happened – October 29th, 2011

Jesus’ Biggest Fan

One of my biggest gripes with religion is the fact that people are taught to separate themselves from those who have different opinions. A recent incident on Facebook is a great example of what can result from a freshly washed brain. A friend of mine, “Jesus,” posted an interesting statement on his page. (I chose to call my friend Jesus because I think it will be funny to have Jesus’ biggest fan chastise his “lord and savior!”) Jesus wrote, “Its not that I dont believe in God, I just dont worship the motherfucker.” I immediately clicked the “like” button, and added a comment. I wrote, “You’re going to HELL!” Others added their own comments and it was all in good fun. Jesus has no problem speaking his mind, and I guess that’s exactly how he felt on the particular day. The original posting was at 5pm and there were five comments during the day. I can see how people would think the comment was controversial, but I didn’t give it another thought; I enjoyed the laugh and completely forgot about the statement. The following day is when amazing happened. (Now that we don’t have an NBA season, we have to look for amazing in other places!) In the morning I checked my Facebook notifications and found a splendid surprise. Someone added a comment to Jesus’ post. Here is what the guy wrote: “He doesnt need your worship or belief for Him to pay you a visit. Like I always said, your gonna look nice and defined in your casket one day. All that physical labor will lead you to to the “mother$ucker”(as you so eloquently put it) for Divine Judgement. As you know, your life is sand in an hour glass….tick tick tick tick one day you’ll know for sure. In your case I hope he doesnt mind being called “mother&ucker”, or else its double death for you my friend. Oh thats not my opinion, its Gods Word. All manner of sins can be forgiven except Blasphemy of the Spirit. You just severely Blasphemed there Jesus. By calling Him what you did you also opened the door for me to judge your fruits. I see the fruit in you is of the devil so I will now have to part ways on Facebook. Ill pray for you, however, you seemed to already have judged yourself with your own words.” The guy also added a link. ‘’ At first, I thought it was a link to some religious conversion video, in which someone proclaimed “’god’ is good,” but it was a rap video. (Shouldn’t “god” be better than, good? Seems like he’s not giving the maximum effort! I’ll come back to the church when “god” is, great!) The artist from the link is a rapper who found “god,” and the song is actually not bad. (Who knows, maybe I’ll start getting into this Christian rap!) I almost pissed my pants when I read the heavenly comment. I was going to just let it go, but I felt compelled to say something. I added, “Damn Jesus, even I never lost a Facebook friend over religion! Ha ha!” I then felt the need to assure my friend that he was not going to Hell. I wrote, “I have good news for you, Jesus; just checked the Bible and your comment is not blasphemy. You were simply stating a fact. “God” is everyone’s father, which indeed makes him a motherfucker!” Let this be a lesson to all; people are free to believe whatever they want. I had to find out who this guy was, but his profile is private. Luckily, I did find out some interesting information. He only has 70 friends. (Probably due to his stringent religious screening process!) He lists his activities as, “Jesus, video games.” (I’m not surprised!) Under interests he lists: “Jesus, Sports.” (I’m assuming he doesn’t play, “kill the man with the ball!”) My favorite is the fact that he likes, “Jesus Music, Bizzle.” (Bizzle is a Christian rapper who believes Lil’ Wayne and Jay-Z worship the devil!) Some people are way too extreme for me! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

The Gators will destroy Georgia at 3:30pm! (EST) Don’t miss the world’s largest outdoor cocktail party!


Be sure to check back tomorrow for a preview of next week’s posts!


This Actually Happened – October 22nd, 2011

Phenomenal Woman

The title might suggest this entry is about one of the many remarkable females in my life; nothing could be further from the truth. I am writing about an extraordinary woman; she is extraordinarily ridiculous! One of the advantages of a family business is the ability to help others; after all, what would Jesus do? We often allow customers to take goods, with nothing more than a promise to make the payment at a later time. The down side of this type of generosity happens when people expect help, instead of asking and being grateful. A couple days ago, I decided to prepare a delectable tuna fish sandwich for lunch. We sell pickles which come in a large jar, and I wanted to chop one up for the sandwich. Instead of using the tongs, I grabbed a plastic fork to fish out the pickle. (Don’t ever do this; it’s idiotic!) I walked behind the counter to retrieve my final ingredient. My sister was helping a customer and I stood beside her, struggling mightily to remove a pickle from the jar. Every time I thought I was about to achieve my goal, the pickle would fall back into the juice. (It was quite challenging!) A woman walked in and said, “hello.” I looked up and returned the “hello,” and quickly refocused on the task at hand. Instead of waiting behind the customer in line, she said, “hello,” again. I stopped what I was doing and said, “hi.” She then asked me, “You don’t know me, do you?” I looked her in the eye and said, “No,” and once again returned to my mission. She was determined in her cause and asked me, “Do you guys sell cream for coffee?” It was a simple question and I quickly replied, “Yes.” My answer was positive, but not to her satisfaction; she continued. “Not the powdered cream; I want the liquid kind.” Again, not a challenging request. “Yes, you will find the cream in the refrigerator, next to the milk.” I said, before returning to my increasingly difficult task. I was under the impression that our exchange was over, but I was wrong; she had more information for me. “I want to take six cartons and I’ll bring back the money another day.” I took a second to think over her statement and before I could respond, my sister said, “sorry, we can’t; you have to wait for my aunt to come back. She’ll be here in a few minutes.” The truth of the matter is, we could have allowed her to take the items, but we didn’t know this lady. She looked at my sister and asked, “don’t you trust me?” My sister simply replied, “I can’t give anything out without asking my aunt.” The lady would not give up without a fight. “I came under the impression that I would be able to do this!” She said confidently. I was too focused on attempting to retrieve a pickle to waste anymore of my time on this woman’s request, so I didn’t even bother lifting my head. She saw that I wasn’t paying her any mind and said the magic words which sealed her fate, “hurry! If you don’t hurry up, I will go somewhere else!” Her insanity literally made me COL! Finally, after a minute, she realized that she was fighting a losing battle and left without uttering another word! I eventually accomplished my goal and captured my pickle; the sandwich was amazing! (My sandwiches usually are! TOOT!) Allow me to translate what this lady actually said. “If you don’t let me borrow some goods, I will go buy them somewhere else!” You have to be kidding me! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

The Gators have the week off, but Georgia is going down next week!

This Sunday will mark the dawn of a new era; IT’S TEBOW TIME!

Be sure to check back tomorrow for a preview of next week’s posts!