Tag Archives: religion

Little Caesars Is Dead To Me

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I will never purchase anything from this company for the rest of my life. (Unless they repay me for my horrible experience!)

To be honest, the pizza isn’t good. (I know this may sound like the opinion of a disgruntled customer, but the only reason I went to the place is because of their “Hot-N-Ready” pizza which only costs five dollars and can be purchased with no wait. I am generally impatient so the quality of the food was less important than the quantity of time I saved.

Banning myself from this franchise may seem like an insignificant thing, but I was actually excited when I found out that Little Caesars wasn’t extinct. Once upon a time, while living in Boston, I enjoyed walking down to the local strip to purchase video games from Kmart. (I find it strange when “grown” men get excited about video games. They were a big part of my life, but like most childish things, I grew out of that phase. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t have any desire to get involved in “gaming!”)

The only Little Caesars in the city (As far as I can remember) was located in the Kmart. [The Kmart is now a Target. I was also elated to discover that there are three Kmarts fairly close to where I live. I don’t have any desire to shop there, but it’s nice to know that Kmart is alive and kicking!] After a few years, the shitty Little Caesars was removed from the Kmart and replaced with something else. (I admit, that was a jab at the company!)

The Horrible Incident:

Like I stated before, I didn’t mind the shitty pizza because of my lack of patience. To the best of my knowledge, this horrible incident happened during my third visit to the establishment, located in North Hollywood; a stone’s throw from our previous apartment. (I said I didn’t mind the shitty pizza, but I prefer to eat good food, so I only went to this place as a last resort, because the quality was pretty low and my only mission was to get some crap inside my belly!)

I drove down to the Little Caesars and decided to skip the Hot-N-Ready crap and hope the regular pie (Can you tell I lived in the New Jersey!) was of a higher quality. I ordered the Hawaiian because pineapple is the world’s number one pizza topping. (If you don’t like pineapples on your pizza, you’re probably a dumbass!) The friendly pizza technician informed me that there will be a fifteen minute wait. I accepted her terms and handed over my debit card to complete the transaction.

Two minutes after placing my order, the girl who “helped me” ended her shift and left. Five minutes crawled by before I almost lost my mind. Thankfully, “god” worked in a mysterious way and sent an angel to perform a miracle. My pizza was ready, ten minutes early, and it tasted like one which was flown in from Italy and created by Anna Maria Garoscio. (Google her!)

Just kidding! “god” doesn’t exist and the story is a complete fabrication. Although, If it was written in the bible, a billion people would accept it as true!

I turned to my right and noticed a wondrous site; a Seven Eleven. (In Boston, Seven Elevens are rare, but in Los Angeles, you can’t go three blocks without driving past one!) I walked towards the convenience store and bought some drinks. I also decided to by a two dollar scratch because the person who gets paid to place products in the best location to increase sales knows me all too well and I couldn’t resist. (I don’t have a gambling problem, but I typically buy a scratch every two months or so.) I walked back to the Low-Quality-Pizza-Mart and sat down.

Now, a total of seventeen minutes had elapsed. The new counter girl asked if I was ready to order and I informed her that I was waiting for my Hawaiian pizza. She went to the back and it seemed as if no one knew about my purchase. The manager, who was in his early thirties, seemed to be more interested in the sexual lives of his high school employees than ensuring that I was a satisfied customer. (I don’t want to call this guy a pedophile, but I’m almost certain that he was working to pay tuition at the local seminary! ***With all the money that the pedophiles collect each Sunday, you would think seminarians wouldn’t have to pay tuition, but the Catholic church is a well-oiled money making machine!***)

The girl returns and informs me that my pizza would be ready shortly. I was pretty sure that they were just about to start making it. After another ten minutes of torture, I lost my cool and decided to leave before I voiced my obscenity-laced-opinions.

That’s right; I took the loss and went home, sans crappy pizza. The way I see it, it only cost me eight bucks to discover that Little Caesars is a horrible business. For the rest of my life, I will never spend another cent in any of their locations. The good news is the 20 bucks I won when I scratched the ticket. (Thanks magical lottery deity!)

I guess the real point of this post is for me to say “FUCK LITTLE CAESARS!”

@PeteTeix617

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Fuck The Quitting Ass Ex-Pope

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

*****     Before I dive into the controversial heading, I would like to take a moment to discuss my lack of content. February has been a hectic month. As much as I enjoyed living in Los Angeles, we had to make a difficult decision and chose to leave. That’s right; I no longer live in Los Angeles.

It’s not what you think. I didn’t fail miserably and realize that I am incapable of making a life for myself on the west coast. We simply moved to Burbank which is only one town south of North Hollywood. (I don’t even have to change my cleaners!)

     Now that I am resettled and once again a member of the twenty first century with internet service, I plan on writing more frequently. *****

 

Obviously, those who are familiar with my work will probably assume that this is some anti-religion, anti-Catholicism, atheist rant, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am not saying “fuck the quitting ass ex-pope” out of spite, or hatred; I honestly have a legitimate reason for my vitriol.

Here is why I have a major beef with the man “god” chose to lead his flock. (For an all-powerful being “god” sucks at picking leaders. An unimaginable number of pedophiles and now a quitter! I don’t know about you but I think someone needs to tell this guy that he is not CEO material!)

I have a completed manuscript which took a great deal of blood sweat and tears to produce. In order to write my novel, I did some extensive research and discovered that there were a couple examples of popes who actually resigned from the position of “Pedophilias Maximus!”  A fact that is not well-known.

Now, because of this selfish jackass, formerly known as Benedict (Arnold) XVI, I have to re-write an entire freaking chapter. What a wicked pissah! (You can take the man out of Boston, but you can’t take the Boston out of the man!)

***I actually have never uttered those words unless it was in jest!***

     I’ll go back to the drawing board and rewrite the chapter to include the latest quitter.

Another reason I am upset with Mr. “share-the-passion-of-the-Christ-with-the-boys-of-the-world” is the fact that his inability to deal with the shit storm that is about to overtake the Catholic Church forced me to change my Facebook profile.

As soon as I heard the announcement I posted this status:

“Today is a sad day. Due to the Pope’s decision to quit, I will be forced to retire my profile pic on February 28th @ 8:00pm Vatican time.”

     Here is my previous profile pic, which I created and loved:

RICH POPE

     Here is my new profile pic which I found online and I love.

rapist pope

     Most people pray for the pope to live a long healthy life, but I enjoy the conclave. I just love the excitement of watching the smoke rise from the chimney and waiting to see who will lead the next generation of pedophiles. (This feud will continue as long as that guy breathes the good lord’s air!)

I have a lot more to say about this quitter, but I’ll save my comments for my post about a church related documentary!

@PeteTeix617

The “G” Card

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

There are some challenges that arise when someone becomes enlightened and discovers the truth known as atheism. I don’t mind having to repeatedly explain myself when asked, “how did you manage to figure out there is no ‘god’ why don’t you believe in ‘god’?”

Although I love being an atheist as much as a Catholic priest loves dressing up as Santa Claus and having little boys sit on his lap during Christmas, there are a few occasions in which I must pull out my “g” card. Sometimes, it’s just not worth my effort to explain that I am an atheist.

Here are some of the rare occurrences where I fake being a believer and pull out my “g” card:

{1} My mother is religious and she always says some form of, “’god’ be with you,” after any conversation. There is no point in saying anything else other that “ok!”

{2} Whenever one of my favorite teams lose, I like to say, “Why have thou forsaken me, ‘god?’ Fuck you and your son Jesus!” Even though there is no “god,” this usually bothers any believer within earshot, which makes me feel better about the loss. If people can thank their lord and savior after a win, I should be able to do the opposite after a loss! After all, “god” made words and words don’t hurt! Wait! I think I got that wrong; “god” made dirt. Who the hell made words? (I don’t know who came up with the “god” made dirt thing, but the person is clearly an idiot because anyone who has been hit with wet dirt knows a great deal of pain is involved!)

***Don’t bother calling me an asshole; I’m proud of that fact!***

{3} I always pull out my “g” card any time someone plays my favorite, Tim Tebow’s favorite, and without question the greatest religious song known to man; Rich Mullins’ Awesome “god”!
I think it’s dumb to say “’god’ is good,” because I was taught that good is not good enough, but saying our “god” is an awesome “god” is amazing! (If I had the choice between a good “god” and an awesome “god,” I’m going with the awesome one every time!)

Can one of you “keepin’ it real” rap artists please make a remix of this song? PLEASE!!!

Awesome “God”

{3} In order to keep myself humble, I usually break out my “g” card so I can appear to have the same intelligence as someone who believes in the existence of a “good” deity who has more deaths under his belt than the “bad” semi-deity.

I never knew “god” was a serial killer! (These numbers come from the “good” book!)

{4} I haven’t done this yet, but if I happen to be under the influence of alcohol and I run into some “good” girl who only sleeps with pious men, I will have no problem breaking out my “g” card! (“God” forbid she sleeps with a nonbeliever!)

{5} If I ever walk past the local abortion clinic during lunch and the angry mob of protestors, holding assault rifles and other powerful automatic weapons, ask if I’m pro-life, I first answer, “yeah, I love living!” They are usually pisses off by my response and threaten to kill me. I then say, “who are we to question ‘god’s’ plan? Speaking of plan, we can avoid all this nonsense if these women would just go to their local drug stores and purchase that plan b… never mind!”

@PeteTeix617

I Miss My “God”

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

For some reason, I was inspired to rewrite Lil Wayne’s song, I Miss My Dawgs.

 

I Miss My “God”

Verse 1

And man I miss the times,

that I lied,

you would keep on your side

You would teach me not to cry

and you would teach me about pride

Then I’d grab the bible,

go over the lines

I believed the same tradition,

but then I changed position, shit

I had to change, but I miss ya,

and its strange

but I, never forget ya

I know I put you in them Facebook memes wodie

You can’t be angry about the dissing wodie

That’s right,

you never replied,

and never will,

you don’t exist homie

Before I die,

It ain’t no lie

I’ll teach the kids homie

My knowledge is theirs

I gotta give homie,

and yea

Some people still follow in this bitch homie

Yea, St Patrick’s still represent homie, shit homie

I know the real

Is you feeling me Jizzle

That altar boy shit, still in me Jizzle,

word the giggity Jizzle

But I ain’t got time to change the history

I miss you and I know you missing me

Jesus

 

HOOK

 Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)

 

Verse 2

And I remember when I prayed for the “truth”

Went to Catholic school, but never stayed for the “truth,”

Escaped to BLS during my youth

I emptied my school bag and ran for new tools

I went with the big bang and away from your rules

So I decided not to hang around and listen to your fools

And I was alone in my views, my church was angry at the schools, shit

But I knew I’d be straight

Vowed to stay away from the hate

Stopped going to mass and ignored all the fake

I was waiting for their anger to rise,

See I was patient so there was no surprise

Your building is filled only with lies

Real students never fear myths

But every faith ain’t filled with stories that’s real

You’re not real

You know I would quickly change my ways not turn you down

But you can never come around

motherfucker

History is history

I miss you and I know you missing me

Jesus

 

HOOK

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)

 

Verse 3

You was my guidance, my joy, my heart, my teacher

My main motherfucker the preacher

My brother, my pastor,

I was apprentice, he was master

I questioned, he schooled,

I challenged, he fooled

We sang, we prayed,

Poor people still paid

I was hip to the game,

Saw the answers were lame

Remember my questions, I was skeptical

I remained in trouble every day ‘cause your logic was terrible

Remember that I’d leave, and, my bible stayed behind

You told me not to research on my own, but I was straight on the grind

While I watched how you lied to the laity

Including my family and friends, your methods are shady

Yea I hate those times my “brother”

Now I recognize real you were never my brother

Yea, I realize my “brother,”

I got my brothers

The men you leave behind are my brothers

 

HOOK

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass we were counting cash (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)

 

Simply put, I think I just miss being dumb!

@PeteTeix617

The Atheist’s Burden

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

In 1899, British writer Rudyard Kipling, of The Jungle Book fame, wrote a poem entitled The White Man’s Burden. (I’m not your history teacher, so if you have a desire to learn more about his piece, do your own research!) I’ve never been mistaken for poet, but here is my first poem:

I stole Kipling’s style! (copy is such an ugly word!)

 

Take up the atheist’s burden—

 

Seek out the truth revealed—

 

Read the texts, study the faiths

 

Until your minds are healed

 

A godless world is splendid

 

No war, no hate, no schism—

 

A godless world is coming,

 

For joy we’ll sing in rhythm

 

Take up the atheist’s burden

 

Logic is what we’ll spread

 

A new world void of deities

 

Religion will be dead;

 

Censorship no more

 

Free thoughts we all will share

 

A future shaped by science

 

Spawning geniuses to spare

 

Take up the atheist’s burden—

 

Reborn is how you’ll feel:

 

The brainwashed will be doomed

 

Denying what is real—

 

Our dumb will become dumber

 

The light they cannot see:

 

The sheep without their shepherd,

 

They’ll never let it be

 

Take up the atheist’s burden-

 

Prophets led you astray-

 

Fear not the nonexistent,

 

 Be wise and never pray.

 

The unknown we cannot fear

 

A universe for exploring,

 

Only one thing is for certain,

 

Sundays without the boring!

 

Not too shabby, if you ask me!

 

I enjoy creating pictures with funny captions, but I tend to censor myself because I don’t think the Facebookers can handle some of my “extreme” ideas. I’m sure I’ll end up not giving a crap in the near future, but for now, I’ll only release the uncensored material on the blog.

 

Here are my latest Facebook postings along with a bonus one which I decided not to put up.

ONE

I know he’s good!

TWO

Mommy, why is Jesus sad?

THREE

Oh!

FOUR

Awkward isn’t the word!

FIVE

Now it all makes sense!

SIX

Thanks, but no thanks!

SEVEN

His sixth sense is amazing!

BONUS

You bought that lie!

@PeteTeix617

Nostra-Dog-Mus

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Once upon a time, in the small town of Teec Nos Pos, Arizona, near the famous four corners, there lived a unique canine. The mayor of Teec Nos Pos found the dog while on a family trip to the border where Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah connect. Immediately, the mayor’s son, little Thomas bonded with his new best friend, Spot.

Thomas and Spot were inseparable; the two friends went everywhere together. One day, Thomas decided to go swimming at the creek and he discovered that his wallet was missing from his pants. The water was too cold for Spot’s liking, so he remained near his owner’s possessions.

There were two boys sitting near Thomas’ pants, but each child denied taking the wallet. “Too bad you’re not a talking dog, buddy.” Thomas said to his pet.

Spot barked and the boys appeared to be nervous; it was as if the dog was trying to identify the culprit. Just for kicks, Thomas asked, “did Roger take my wallet?”

Spot did not respond.

“Did Chris take my wallet?” Thomas asked.

Spot began to bark. Amazingly, Chris was overcome with guilt and finally admitted to taking the wallet.

Thomas couldn’t believe that his dog could understand what he was saying. It turned out that Spot could actually answer any question. Spot predicted the weather. “Spot, will it rain tomorrow?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

He picked out criminals from police lineups. “Spot, did Mr. Tennyson steal the car?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

Spot even solved some of life’s biggest mysteries. “Spot, is there life on other planets?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

One afternoon, Thomas and his family returned to their home after a wonderful Sunday mass, and the boy decided to ask the one question that puzzled him. “Spot, is there a god?”

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Mother fucker, are you fucking crazy?” The dog spoke!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617