***THROWBACK POST***
I Knew It, from August 17th, 2011!
GO GATORS!!!
@PeteTeix617
Tag Archives: relationships
Second Chance Sunday {XXVII}
Good Old Marriage Advice
Timothy graduated from Harvard Law School at the top of his class. As expected, every major firm in the country offered him a position. The decision was simple for Tim; “wherever Lucy wants to live is fine with me.” He said. Lucy was Tim’s high school sweetheart and he loved her more than anything; as long as his fiancé was happy, nothing else mattered.
The couple eventually married and Tim became a partner in his Chicago firm. Everything was going well, except for one major problem. Tim wanted children but Lucy wasn’t ready; she wanted to focus on running her salon before venturing into motherhood.
Although the two loved one another unconditionally, the subject of parenthood caused a great deal of tension in the household. In fact, Tim and Lucy argued every single night, before finally slamming doors and sleeping in separate rooms.
After three months of passionless nights, Tim realized something had to be done. His proposal was a night out on the town. He hoped to reignite the fire in their marriage and forget about their problems for at least one night.
Tim pulled out all the stops; reservations at the best restaurant in the windy city, a limo ride to their destination, a night of dancing, and a stay in a luxurious suite.
The night started off well but the romance quickly faded, during dinner. Things took a turn for the worse when an eleven year-old walked past the table, on his way to the little boy’s room. Tim gave the child a high-five, which caused Lucy to assume her husband was attempting to drop a hint.
Try as he did, Tim was unable to avoid an argument. The hot-blooded conversation even caused the manager to ask the couple to control themselves. Tim thought the night was a complete loss, since they sat in complete silence while waiting for the waiter to bring the check.
Suddenly, Lucy placed her hand on top of Tim’s hand and smiled at him. “I’m sorry for all the drama; let’s try to enjoy the remainder of the night.” She uttered.
Tim was completely shocked. “I think that’s a great idea.”
Lucy’s change of heart came when she noticed an elderly gentleman, spoon-feeding a piece of chocolate cake to his lovely wife. “Look at those two; I wonder what their secret is.” She said.
Tim turned and admired the amorous couple. “That will be us one day.” He said.
Lucy’s heart melted. “I love you. I don’t want to waste another second arguing. Let’s start a family.” She said.
Tim couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I love you.” He said as a tear rolled down his cheek.
Lucy also began to release her own tears of joy. The couple often spoke about the importance of family. That night, Lucy finally realized that she no longer wanted to put her career ahead of her family. “You’re going to be the best dad, ever!” She said.
Tim smiled. “And you will be the world’s greatest mom!” He responded.
Tim apologized to the waiter for their previous behavior. “We would also like to pay for the elderly couple’s check.” Tim said.
“I’ll let Good old Jack know that you covered his meal.” The waiter replied.
The waiter walked across the room and revealed Tim’s generous gesture to the couple. They were surprised and touched. Before exiting, Jack and his lady, Kathy, walked over to express their appreciation.
The two couples chatted while they walked towards the restaurant’s back door. Tim and Lucy watched as Jack opened up the passenger side door for Kathy and gently closed it after she entered.
“Hey Jack, how long have you been married?” Tim asked.
“Fifty-eight wonderful years!” Jack answered.
“Still a gentleman after all the years!” Tim said.
Jack smiled.
“What’s your secret? How do you stay happily married after so many years?” Tim asked.
Jack walked over to Tim and his wife. He leaned in and whispered. “It’s pretty simple. I leave the old ball and chain at home whenever I get the hankering for some sweet widow pussy!” Jack proudly stated before winking!
[THE END]
@PeteTeix617
Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 3
INT. BARTHOLOMEW’S APARTMENT
Simon wasn’t home, but Judas found him at Bartholomew’s place.
BARTHOLOMEW
What’s up mas puto.
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
What the hell does that mean?
SIMON
We’re not really sure, but we think it means super gay, in Spanish.
JUDAS
When did you guys start speaking Spanish?
SIMON
My neighbor was clowning around with his friends and I picked it up.
JUDAS
I’m definitely not mas puto.
BARTHOLOMEW
I agree. The jury is still out on you; you’re mas o menos puto.
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
What the hell is that?
BARTHOLOMEW
I just made it up. I remember mas o menos from high school Spanish class. That has to be the Spanish version of bisexual.
JUDAS
You would know.
BARTHOLOMEW
No homophobe!
The guys laugh.
SIMON
So what did you want to talk about?
JUDAS
I wanted to get in contact with Heather so I could find out what caused her to create these lies.
SIMON
That’s a good idea. If you want I can call her to come over.
JUDAS
Yeah, that’s probably best.
Simon calls Heather and she agrees to meet the guys. An hour later, she arrives and Simon walks her into the apartment.
HEATHER
Simon tells me that you have a problem with me.
JUDAS
I just want to know why you decided to make up lies about me and Dan.
HEATHER
What lies?
JUDAS
I’m serious. I don’t even know you and I’m trying to understand why you did what you did; are you crazy or something?
HEATHER
Are you seriously going to sit there and say that you don’t know me?
JUDAS
The first time I met you was at the bar.
HEATHER
I can’t believe it; you are the biggest asshole ever.
SIMON
I concur.
BARTHOLOMEW
I too agree with the lady’s proclamation.
JUDAS
Thank you, gentlemen!
Everyone laughs.
HEATHER
You really don’t remember me?
JUDAS
No, crazy woman!
HEATHER
Take a look at this.
Heather reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo. Judas grabs the picture and studies it.
JUDAS
Is this Caesars?
HEATHER
Yeah, it’s from three years ago.
JUDAS
I remember you!
SIMON
You guys know each other?
HEATHER
That’s what I’ve been trying to say.
BARTHOLOMEW
Why were you lying?
JUDAS
I wasn’t lying. Look at this picture; she had blond hair.
Bartholomew grabs the photo.
BARTHOLOMEW
You can’t blame him for not recognizing you; this looks like a completely different person.
JUDAS
Exactly!
HEATHER
There is no excuse for forgetting a person you connected with.
BARTHOLOMEW
Connected? I know what that means; I think someone was the victim of a hit and run!
Judas and Bartholomew high-five while laughing and Simon does his best to keep a straight face.
HEATHER
I see you laughing, asshole.
SIMON
Sorry, but it’s hilarious.
JUDAS
How can you expect me to remember some chick I banged three years ago, especially when I was drunk out of my mind in Vegas?
BARTHOLOMEW
So you made up the entire gay thing to get back at him?
HEATHER
He deserved it.
BARTHOLOMEW
What about Dan? He didn’t do anything to you.
Judas clears his throat.
JUDAS
I think she got in another accident.
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
Damn! You’re the freaking hit and run queen. I got next!
HEATHER
Fuck you!
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes, please!
The guys laugh.
SIMON
I’m sorry.
HEATHER
Thanks “friend.”
BARTHOLOMEW
If you’re looking for support; you’re in the wrong place.
SIMON
So Judas isn’t gay?
BARTHOLOMEW
No! Heather lied, but Judas is still gay. No homophobe!
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
What happened in Vegas? How did you bag her?
SIMON
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; right Heather?
HEATHER
Don’t try to be on my side, now.
Simon shrugs his shoulders.
SIMON
You can’t fault me for trying.
BARTHOLOMEW
Let’s hear it.
JUDAS
I actually remember the night; no wonder you hated me.
HEATHER
You’re such an asshole.
BARTHOLOMEW
What did you do?
JUDAS
We were messing around and I told the guys to give me any pick-up line and I’ll bag Heather.
SIMON
Hold on! Don’t tell me that story was actually true.
JUDAS
That’s right. You guys didn’t believe me.
BARTHOLOMEW
I can’t believe you weren’t lying.
JUDAS
I walked up to Heather and said, can you help me dispose of some semen!
The guys laugh while Heather lowers her head in shame.
SIMON
I can’t believe that line worked on you.
HEATHER
I was drunk!
BARTHOLOMEW
I always wanted to meat the semen disposal chick. Today is the happiest day of my life. Do you mind if I make a deposit?
The guys laugh. Heather decides to keep quite instead of egging him on.
BARTHOLOMEW
Nothing personal, Heather.
HEATHER
I understand that you guys are childish. It’s been fun, but I’m out of here.
JUDAS
I guess we’re even. No hard feelings.
HEATHER
Whatever.
She walks to the door.
JUDAS
Wait. I’ll walk you out. Later fellas.
BARTHOLOMEW
Where are you going?
JUDAS
I have to find Dan and tell him the story.
BARTHOLOMEW
Alright, later.
JUDAS
I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.
Judas exits.
INT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT
Simon and Bartholomew decide to tell Philip the news.
PHILIP
This is a small world. It’s crazy how everything unfolded. Judas is really lucky; it could have been much worse.
KIM
He definitely needs to slow down with the bagging, as you guys say.
BARTHOLOMEW
The way I see it, no harm no foul.
KIM
I kind of feel bad for accusing Judas of being gay.
PHILIP
Don’t fee bad; he’s an asshole.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s no way to talk about your friend, buddy.
PHILIP
You’re an asshole too!
The all laugh.
PHILIP
I’m just happy the truth is finally out.
Bartholomew and Simon look at one another.
SIMON
I’m not sure the truth is out.
PHILIP
What are you talking about?
BARTHOLOMEW
Judas said something weird before leaving my apartment.
SIMON
Yeah, it was a little shaky.
PHILIP
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
He said, I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.
PHILIP
I’m sure it was just a slip of the tongue.
SIMON
It was a slip, but I’m pretty sure it was Freudian.
PHILIP
I don’t want to go down this road again; let’s go get some food and let Judas live his life.
SIMON
I’m down for that.
BARTHOLOMEW
Me too.
KIM
Great; we haven’t eaten all day.
The foursome exits.
[It's A Wrap!]
Doggie Deal Breaker
This evening, I was about to pull into the garage when I noticed a beautiful woman walking down the street. She seemed amazing until I observed the leash in her hand; she was walking her dog. I’d rather not be with a woman who owns a dog.
This post is an explanation of the reasons I consider dogs to be a deal breaker. Actually, dogs aren’t a deal breaker. If I met a great girl who was a dog owner, I’d accept the dog without any problems. I just prefer no dogs.
***I am not Michael Vick and I don’t hate dogs. I simply have no desire to own a dog and I consider them to be animals and not humans. That being said, I completely understand that there are many people who love their pets!***
My preference comes from life experiences. First of all, I’ve never been the type of person who likes touching animals or insects. That being said, I would love to own a tiger! (I had fish while living in Boston, but I never actually had to touch them!)
The second reason I prefer no dogs is the fact that owning a dog is a big responsibility, a fact that most people seem to overlook. I enjoy being free to do whatever I please and a dog can limit what activities the owner can enjoy. You can lock a dog in a cage and leave the house, but that seems cruel. (I understand that the responsibility falls on the female, who owns the dog, but I would end up sharing some of the responsibility and I’d rather not have to take care of a dog!)
The third reason I have a no dog preference is based on the fact that I have never picked up dog feces; a fact that will not change! Relationships are difficult to navigate and I don’t need the added stress that comes from the “I am not picking up your dog’s shit” argument. I can be an asshole and there is no way I am backing down from this position. (I often see people picking up after their dogs and I laugh my ass off every time!)
Watching grown adults picking after their dogs reminds me of a Seinfeld joke. Here is the conversation between George and Jerry.
Jerry: “If aliens come to earth, they will think dogs are running things.”
George: “Why do you say that?”
Jerry: “Because all they’re going to see is a bunch of humans being led on leashes by their dogs and then watching the humans pick up after the dogs!”
This is an excellent point!
The main reason may be a bit silly, but it’s real and I can’t help it. I watched the 2005 movie Sleeping Dogs Lie, and it changed the way I look at dog owners. (The movie came out in 2005 so, I don’t feel bad if I spoil the story for anyone who reads this!) Basically, a woman has a sexual experience with her dog and reveals it to her boyfriend which causes problems in the relationship.
The way I see it, there is a 38 percent chance that women who own dogs experienced some sort of sexual contact with the animal and I am not about following a canine. That would be the sloppiest seconds! (There is no mathematical formula for figuring out the 38 percent; I just figure that is the accurate number!)
The final reason has to do with the fact that I am a germaphobe. Even if I am fortunate enough to meet one of the 62 percent clean dog owners, aka a woman who never lost the fight against the curiosity of bestiality, there are still cleanliness issues.
I don’t want to kiss someone who just kissed a dog, which just licked its own asshole. I don’t consider kissing dogs to be a sexual thing, but it is pretty gross! I also think sex should be a spontaneous thing and I would rather not have to stop in order to allow the woman to wash her hands before we engaged in consensual non-dog-involved sexual activities! I would also prefer not having sex on a dog-hair-covered bed. (Call me crazy!)
Not Hot!
I apologize to any dog owners who may find this post to be offensive! (Now stop being pissed and go scoop up some poop!)
@PeteTeix617
Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 2
Season 2: Episode 1
INT. sports bar
Bartholomew convinced Judas to meet the guys at a bar in order to hash things out.
SIMON
I can’t believe Matt escaped twice.
BARTHOLOMEW
Michelle is going to kill him when he goes home.
MATTHIAS
I told you guys; things are a little different now.
SIMON
She’s gonna kill him.
The guys laugh.
PHILIP
I thought you said Judas was coming.
BARTHOLOMEW
He’ll be here in a half hour. I wanted us to get on the same page before he arrived.
SIMON
Phil, what the hell is going on with your eye.
PHILIP
I don’t know. It just swelled up for no reason.
BARTHOLOMEW
You don’t think you caught anything from Kim; do you?
PHILIP
Do you have to be an asshole?
SIMON
Don’t be silly, Bart. You can’t catch an STD without having sex.
The guys laugh.
MATTHIAS
Hey Simon, is that a hickey on your neck?
BARTHOLOMEW
What the hell! I guess someone wasn’t getting any homework done during study hall.
PHILIP
I hope Leslie doesn’t see it.
SIMON
First of all, I take offense to the fact that you assume Leslie had nothing to do with the mark on my neck.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah Phil, maybe they were role playing.
SIMON
Thanks Bart; you’re a true friend. Where was I? Oh yeah! Second of all, it’s not a hickey. Its a stab wound.
BARTHOLOMEW
Damn, I knew Leslie was crazy, but I didn’t think she would actually stab you.
PHILIP
It was only a matter of time.
SIMON
Well Phil, you’ll be happy to know it wasn’t Leslie.
PHILIP
Let me guess; some woman’s husband caught you sleeping with his wife?
SIMON
Hell no! I’m not a home-wrecker.
The guys laugh and Phil shakes his head.
MATTHIAS
You’re a stand-up guy.
SIMON
Don’t pat me on the back too soon; I do cheat. This came from a vegan chick I met.
BARTHOLOMEW
I thought vegan chicks were into peace and harmony?
SIMON
They are until you piss them off.
PHILIP
Do I even want to hear this story?
SIMON
Yeah, it’s a great one.
BARTHOLOMEW
Tell me you didn’t trick her into eating meat.
SIMON
I definitely gave her some meat, if you know what I mean.
BARTHOLOMEW
NICE!
MATTHIAS
Let’s hear the story.
SIMON
I was on my break but I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered a salad. The vegan chick ended up ordering the same thing which gave me an ice-breaker. She asked if I was vegan and I didn’t want to disappoint her so I lied.
MATTHIAS
Like I said, stand-up guy!
SIMON
She was cool at first, but after a couple weeks, she just kept going on and on about hating meat so I decided to end it.
BARTHOLOMEW
You broke up with her and she went crazy?
SIMON
It’s how I did it that was the problem.
MATTHIAS
I have to hear this.
SIMON
Since she always talks about being vegan, I know that her favorite place to eat lunch is the Prudential Center food court, so I went there and ordered a bunch of meat and she caught me scarfing it down.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s funny.
SIMON
It wasn’t funny when she snapped and stabbed me with a steak knife. If I didn’t react quickly, she would have killed me.
PHILIP
Psychos are created by your behavior.
SIMON
There is no excuse for attempted murder.
BARTHOLOMEW
What did Leslie say about the mark?
SIMON
That brings me to the favor I was going to ask. I told her you close-lined me while playing basketball.
BARTHOLOMEW
I got you.
SIMON
I wish she wasn’t a vegan; she’s an actress and I think she might be the next big star.
BARTHOLOMEW
I could never date an actress.
MATTHIAS
Why not?
BARTHOLOMEW
Because I don’t want to date someone who does sex scenes with a bunch of actors.
PHILIP
Yeah, cheating is cheating.
BARTHOLOMEW
If I’m friends with the guy who is dating Halle Berry, I’d torture him. I’d walk into his apartment everyday and sit him down saying, “I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think your girl is cheating on you.” Then I’d throw on the sex scene from Monster’s Ball!
The guys laugh.
PHILIP
That would suck! I don’t think we could remain friends if I end up dating an actress.
SIMON
I wouldn’t let that bother me. All you have to do is use your advantage. Everyday, before she had to do a sex scene, I’d go to the set and make her give me a blow job. Then we’d see how the actor enjoys making out with my girlfriend.
The guys laugh.
PHILIP
That’s the nastiest thing I ever heard.
SIMON
You have to fight dirty if you want to win!
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s not dirty; that’s playing disgusting!
SIMON
Don’t kiss my chick!
Judas arrives at the table.
JUDAS
Kissing your chick; talk about sloppy seconds!
BARTHOLOMEW
You finally made it.
SIMON
You’re not still pissed are you?
JUDAS
I was heated, but I think if I was in your shoes, I’d probably believe the chick so I don’t care anymore. I’ll be gay Judas, as long as you guys don’t mind me inviting your chicks over for a slumber party.
PHILIP
I don’t care how gay you are; your not getting anywhere near Kim!
The guys laugh.
SIMON
So you admit that you’re gay?
JUDAS
No! The truth will come out eventually.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m confused. So you’re the the truth like Paul Pierce and you plan on coming out in the future?
SIMON
No homophobe!
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
No. I have no idea why this chick made up this lie, but I intend on getting to the bottom of this.
BARTHOLOMEW
And by get to the bottom, do you mean some guys bottom?
SIMON
No homophobe!
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
I can see you’re going to enjoy this for a while.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes sir!
JUDAS
Why do you keep saying, “no homophobe?”
SIMON
It’s a new thing that Bart came up with so we don’t hurt your feelings when we make hurtful gay jokes.
Judas laughs.
JUDAS
That’s actually hilarious, but I’m not gay.
SIMON
Yeah, and Phil is not a virgin.
JUDAS
Oh shit; it’s Jasmine.
BARTHOLOMEW
Damn, I haven’t seen her in years. Do you still talk to her?
JUDAS
Na. After the last drunken hookup about a year ago, we’ve had no contact.
BARTHOLOMEW
Call her over here so we can all say hi.
JUDAS
I’d rather not; I don’t want to sleep with her again.
PHILIP
Are you crazy?
JUDAS
What?
PHILIP
She’s not going to sleep with you after a year of no contact.
JUDAS
Dude, she’s in love with me; I can bang her whenever I want.
BARTHOLOMEW
So you don’t want to sleep with her because you’re gay?
SIMON
No homophobe!
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
I’m not going to keep saying I’m not gay. You can keep the jokes coming.
BARTHOLOMEW
Thanks; I will!
MATTHIAS
I’m with Phil on this one; there is no way she is going to sleep with you after a year.
JUDAS
You guys are lucky I don’t want to sleep with her, because I would do it just to prove it.
BARTHOLOMEW
There is no way.
JUDAS
You guys have no idea.
SIMON
If that’s true, do it and prove us wrong.
JUDAS
I don’t want her to think that there is a possibility of us getting back together.
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s the gay thing, right?
SIMON
Again, no homophobe!
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
I would pay to see this.
SIMON
Me too!
MATTHIAS
I’ll match whatever these guys put up.
PHILIP
You guys are so childish.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re chipping in too; or you can’t watch.
JUDAS
What do you mean watch; I’m not banging my ex in front of you guys.
BARTHOLOMEW
I bet you would love that gay guy.
SIMON
No homophobe!
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m down to put up two hundred.
SIMON
I’ll do two hundred.
MATTHIAS
Me too!
JUDAS
That was too easy; I’ll do it for fifteen hundred or no deal.
BARTHOLOMEW
Done!
SIMON
Hell yeah!
MATTHIAS
I’ll even cover Phil’s portion.
SIMON
Na, he’s paying too.
PHILIP
It doesn’t matter because she’s not going to sleep with him.
JUDAS
If you guys have the cash, I’ll get head in the bar’s bathroom.
BARTHOLOMEW
You work on that and we’ll go to the ATM.
The guys leave the bar and Judas heads over to speak with his ex-girlfriend.
About twenty minutes later, the guys returned to the bar and Judas walked over from his ex-girlfriend’s table.
BARTHOLOMEW
Ok, we have the cash; let’s see what you’re made of.
JUDAS
Pay up; I already got head.
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
Which guy was it?
SIMON
No homophobe!
JUDAS
Real funny. I want my money.
BARTHOLOMEW
Are you kidding; I know you don’t expect us to believe you.
JUDAS
I’m serious; she gave me head in the bathroom.
SIMON
How the hell are we supposed to verify that?
JUDAS
No problem. I’ll do it again.
Judas leaves and walks over to speak with his ex. A few minutes later, he leads her from her table to the back of the bar, where the restrooms are located.
PHILIP
I can’t believe this. What’s wrong with her.
BARTHOLOMEW
She probably just loves cock like Judas.
The guys laugh.
SIMON
This is amazing. I can’t believe he actually got her to agree.
MATTHIAS
You don’t think he offered to share the money with her, do you?
BARTHOLOMEW
Hell no! Are you insane? She would never agree to do it if she knew we were paying for it.
SIMON
Yeah man, what’s wrong with you. She’s in love, not a prostitute.
MATTHIAS
I was just asking.
A short while longer, Judas returns to his friends and places his left hand on the table.
JUDAS
Is that proof enough?
There is a small amount of what appears to be semen on his hand.
The guys take notice and break out into laughter.
SIMON
I can’t fucking believe it!
JUDAS
Pay up!
Bartholomew places the fifteen hundred on the table and Judas scoops it up.
JUDAS
I work hard for my money!
MATTHIAS
That was definitely worth every penny; I honestly didn’t think he could do it.
BARTHOLOMEW
Chicks dig gay dudes.
SIMON
No homophobe!
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
You should have just busted in her mouth.
JUDAS
I did! I just wiped a little bit on my hand for proof.
SIMON
Well done.
PHILIP
I’m speechless!
JUDAS
Don’t worry; one day you will get head and know what it feels like.
The guys laugh and Judas heads to the bathroom to clean up. When he returns, his ex-girlfriend is by his side.
JUDAS
Hey guys, look who I bumped into.
BARTHOLOMEW
What’s going on Jasmine; it’s been a while.
JASMINE
Hi Bart, how’s life?
BARTHOLOMEW
I can’t complain.
JASMINE
Hey guys.
SIMON
Hi Jasmine.
MATTHIAS
Hey,
PHILIP
Hi Jasmine.
JASMINE
What’s wrong with your eye, Phil?
PHILIP
I think I’m having an allergic reaction to something.
JUDAS
I just assumed Kim abused you so I didn’t say anything.
JASMINE
It looks infected, do you want me to run across the street and get some eye-drops?
PHILIP
No, you don’t have to go through all that trouble.
Simon winks at Bartholomew.
SIMON
Maybe it’s a hair.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, maybe you have a hair in your eye.
SIMON
Jasmine, you should blow in his eye like the old ladies used to do when we were kids.
PHILIP
No, it’s fine.
BARTHOLOMEW
Phil, it might get infected; you might as well let her help.
JASMINE
Yeah Phil, I’m sure it’s painful. Let me blow the hair out of your eye.
Jasmine attempts to grab Phil, but he avoids her grasp.
PHILIP
I’m fine.
SIMON
Phil, stop being a baby.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah Phil, let her blow into your eye; what’s wrong with you.
Simon stands from the table and grabs a hold of Philip’s arms.
SIMON
Go ahead, Jasmin.
Jasmine grabbed a hold of Philip’s head and blew into his eye. Simon released his grip and fell to the floor. The guys erupted with laughter. Jasmine also found the incident to be funny.
JASMINE
Phil is such a baby.
SIMON
Yeah, cockeye is such a baby.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh shit! Cockeye!
JUDAS
I’ll walk you out Jasmine; these mature guys are going to be calling Phil a baby for the rest of the night.
JASMINE
Bye guys.
The guys wave goodbye, but can’t stop laughing long enough to say anything. Jasmine exits the bar with Judas.
PHILIP
You guys are assholes.
MATTHIAS
Why the hell did you let her blow in your eye?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, you know she just gave Judas head.
PHILIP
What was I supposed to do; Simon held me down and I didn’t want to let her know that Judas told us about what she did.
BARTHOLOMEW
Damn cockeye, there is no way I would have let that go down.
Judas returns.
MATTHIAS
Are you guys back in a relationship?
BARTHOLOMEW
An open relationship; I assume.
SIMON
No homophobe.
JUDAS
Na, but I’m sure she has some ideas.
SIMON
You have nothing to complain about; you just got paid fifteen hundred dollars to get head.
MATTHIAS
Yeah, you’re a freaking porn star.
JUDAS
I’m not picking up the tab either.
The guys laugh and call it a night.
[IT'S A WRAP!]
Twitter Is Back To Being Fun
When I first signed up for Twitter, I found the site to be a great place to read random unfiltered comments from funny people. Sadly, things changed and the site became a place where one can actually witness society’s downward spiral; reverse evolution is real. (There was a time when self-respect was important!)
Scrolling down through my old timeline was an adventure down heard it before lane. All I read were tweets about hating one’s job and looking forward to days off in order to party. I may be out of touch, but I’m pretty sure there is a lot more to life than drinking and smoking marijuana. (By the way, if you don’t live in a state with legal medical marijuana, you probably shouldn’t tweet about your illegal drug use!)
Furthermore, it shocks me that most of the worst offenders are so called believers. These degenerates must think their “all-knowing lord” is incapable of reading their tweets. Obviously, there is no need for anyone to panic because we all know that there is no “god;” feel free to continue the tomfoolery. (Just be advised that Twitter is nothing like Vegas; what happens there will follow you for the rest of your lives!)
In an effort to improve my Twitter experience. I decided to follow some atheists. Boy was that the right move. I can now scroll through my timeline and find examples of people who actually get it. (It’s quite refreshing!)
I thought I kicked the habit!
It was great to follow Jerry DeWitt, who is the first graduate of a project which helps religious leaders leave their respective faiths, once they arrive at the realization that “god” doesn’t exist. Jerry served as a Pentecostal minister for 25 years in Louisiana before becoming an atheist. (The great thing about Twitter is the ability to tweet back and forth with anyone!)
***I suggest following Jerry: @jerry_dewitt***
Another person I enjoy following is @SexySkeptic. Not only is she knowledgeable, but she’s also attractive. “How hot?” You ask.
Let’s just say, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating a bag of chips without a napkin!
Who knows? Maybe one day I will meet a nice atheist woman to settle down and start a family. We could produce intelligent atheist offspring and maybe a couple dogs. (Just kidding about the dogs; children are enough of a responsibility!)
I can picture it now. My wife and I would send our first born, a boy named RePete, to the finest Parochial school in the country. Understandably, RePete would refuse to conform to the mandatory prayer demands from the faculty, which would eventually spark a massive lawsuit. (I would continue with this storyline, but that life seems like it would suck and I definitely wouldn’t force my child to attend a school which teaches about a mythical fatherly wizard and his magician son who could outperform Chris Angel any day of the week!)
To be honest, my preference would not be to date an atheist. I’d much rather find a woman who is extremely religious. I’m talking about a woman who has trouble sleeping because as she puts it, “tonight is the night that I will share Jesus’ suffering and experience the stigmata!” (She wouldn’t be crazy; just religious!)
“Hey, what’s the difference between crazy and religious?” You wonder.
FAITH!
I’d also want the woman’s parents to be religious freaks. (I’m not talking about amateur porn stars who dress up in priest and nun outfits!) When I say religious freaks, I mean people who meet with the priest in the church’s media room in order to go over film of the mornings’ proceedings. (I haven’t been to church in a while; people do that, right?)
The reason I’d prefer to marry a religious woman is solely for the purpose of creating a never-ending awkward situation. Her parents will think that I am a worthy suitor, except for the fact that I am an atheist. It will just eat at him each and every moment until he finally gives in and accepts his little atheist grandchildren. The best perk would be the ability to teach RePete (Yeah, that name is definitely happening!) to tease his grandfather about his faith. (Why else would anyone want children?)
Each time we visited my future in-laws, RePete would ask his granddad to tell him one of his great Jesus the magician stories!
I know all this talk about RePete may cause people to assume that I want children, but I don’t! (To read why, click the link: You Can Keep Your Legacy.)
Romance talk aside, Jerry DeWitt posted a tweet that intrigued me. I followed the link to an interesting article, which I will discuss tomorrow!
@PeteTeix617
Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 1
If you haven’t read the first season, you may not understand what is going on! Bagging Up Season One
*********************************************************************************************************************
Int. Judas’ Apartment
The big fight left everyone in shock. The group decided to get together for Sunday dinner in order to speak with Judas. Bartholomew was chosen as the person to ensure Judas shows up.
Bartholomew arrives at the front door as a tenant exits and he enters. He attempted to knock on Judas’ door, but it swings open before he makes contact.
A beautiful woman is about to exit.
JUDAS’ DATE
Oh. You startled me.
BARTHOLOMEW
Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you; I’m Bart.
JUDAS’ DATE
Hi, I’m Marsha.
JUDAS
I have to talk to the landlord; how the hell did you get into the building?
BARTHOLOMEW
I climbed up the side like King Kong.
Marsha laughs.
MARSHA
It was nice to meet you, Bart.
BARTHOLOMEW
It was nice to meet you too.
Marsha turns her attention towards Phil.
MARSHA
Don’t forget to call me later.
JUDAS
I won’t. Drive safely.
Marsha pauses, checks out Judas’ body and comments.
MARSHA
I still can’t believe you lost all that weight.
JUDAS
It was a lot of hard work.
MARSHA
You’re my hero. I’ll talk to you later.
JUDAS
Ok. Bye.
Judas shuts the door.
BARTHOLOMEW
What the hell is she talking about, you didn’t lose any weight?
Judas laughs.
JUDAS
She thinks I lost about a hundred and seventy five pounds.
BARTHOLOMEW
Why would she think that?
JUDAS
Well, she works at Macy’s and when I went to buy a pair of jeans, I told her that I needed help picking out new clothes because I weighed over three hundred pounds.
Bartholomew laughs.
BARTHOLOMEW
She actually believed that?
JUDAS
Yeah, these chicks are idiots; you can basically tell them whatever you want.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s hilarious.
JUDAS
You should try it. She was so proud of me, she let me do whatever I wanted. I think I’m going to keep her around for a little while.
BARTHOLOMEW
This is definitely going to blowup in your face when she finds out you weren’t obese.
JUDAS
Yeah, you’re probably right. Sorry about the other day; does Kim think we’re a bunch of thugs?
BARTHOLOMEW
Na, She understands that it was a rare occasion.
JUDAS
That’s good.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’re all meeting up at Phil’s for dinner. It’s best for everyone to get together and talk things out.
JUDAS
Yeah, I agree.
The guys continue to chat before they head out to meet the rest of the group.
Int. Philip’s Apartment
KIM
Hey Simon, are you alright?
PHILIP
Yeah, you look like you’re still bothered by the fight.
SIMON
Na, I’m fine.
The bell rings.
KIM
Looks like the guys are here.
PHILIP
I’ll let them in.
A moment later, Phil walks in with Bartholomew and Judas.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re right; he does look depressed.
SIMON
I’m not depressed.
BARTHOLOMEW
It looks like you just drove your girlfriend, who is the love of your life, to the airport so she could board a plane to Spring Break in Jamaica
JUDAS
Damn, that chick is as good as fucked! In that situation all you can do is pray that the STD she brings back is curable.
The guys laugh.
SIMON
I’m definitely not that depressed. I’m glad you decided to come, Judas. I want to apologize for the way I acted the other day.
JUDAS
It’s cool; we both crosses the line.
PHIL
Great! Everything is back to normal.
BARTHOLOMEW
I think we have to talk about the real issue before we can talk about things getting back to normal.
KIM
I agree. These types of things have a way of resurfacing if they are not dealt with.
BARTHOLOMEW
Before we get down to business, you guys have to hear the latest Judas bag up story.
Bartholomew shares the details of Judas’ tale and the group laughs.
SIMON
I think that’s my favorite story, yet.
BARTHOLOMEW
Not me; I still like his staple.
KIM
You have a staple?
JUDAS
I have no idea what he is talking about.
BARTHOLOMEW
Whenever he is going through a slump, he breaks the drought by going to 7-Eleven.
KIM
7-Eleven?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. He sits there scratching lottery tickets until a hot chick walks in, then he says the infamous line.
KIM
Do I want to hear this?
PHILIP
No!
BARTHOLOMEW
Of course you do; it’s epic. After conversing with the chick for a little while and appearing to be a gentleman, he tells her that he is in the mood for a slurpee!
The guys laugh, but Phil and Kim are repulsed.
JUDAS
Works every time! Not to mention; she was a MILF.
SIMON
I hate that term; it’s completely meaningless.
KIM
What do you mean?
SIMON
Nowadays, every woman is a freaking mother. I have no idea what’s going on. Is the chick one of those sixteen and pregnant moms or a cougar?
KIM
You’re right; moms are getting younger and younger.
JUDAS
I don’t know about you but those chicks on sixteen and pregnant are definitely a bunch of moms I’d like to fuck.
PHILIP
Did you not learn anything from James’ situation?
JUDAS
I said, like to, not going to.
The doorbell rings a second time.
BARTHOLOMEW
Who’s that?
JUDAS
Maybe Kim invited some open-minded friends over.
KIM
Not a chance; I actually like my friends.
PHILIP
Good one; I think I know who it is.
Philip leaves to answer the door.
KIM
Was your 7-Eleven MILF super hot?
JUDAS
She wasn’t the hottest, but I’d feel comfortable walking through the mall with her.
KIM
You’re incorrigible.
The guys are is speechless when Philip walks in with Matthias.
BARTHOLOMEW
How the hell did you get paroled before James?
The guys laugh, but Kim doesn’t understand the joke.
MATTHIAS
It’s good to see you guys.
SIMON
I don’t know how I feel about you just showing up; what you did wasn’t cool.
JUDAS
Yeah, I’m with Simon.
PHILIP
I knew you guys would be a little pissed, but Matt is still our brother.
MATTHIAS
I don’t know what to say, Michele’s my wife. I can’t just always choose hanging out with the group over her.
BARTHOLOMEW
We needed you, man.
SIMON
Yeah, we were getting together to hear about what was happening with James; you definitely fucked up.
MATTHIAS
You guys don’t understand what it’s like to be married; I have to live with her.
SIMON
She runs your life; that’s not a marriage.
BARTHOLOMEW
At the end of the day, Matt’s not going to change so it is what it is.
JUDAS
I guess.
MATTHIAS
I know I haven’t been around, but when Phil and Kim told me about the fight, I had to get involved.
PHILIP
That has to count for something; right guys?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, I guess.
MATTHIAS
By the way, Phil has a girl; that’s crazy!
JUDAS
It doesn’t count because he’s not getting any.
MATTHIAS
Ouch!
SIMON
Yeah, it’s sad.
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh yeah, before I forget, I have to tell you guys about my co-worker.
JUDAS
The guy that you have a crush on?
Everyone laughs.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, the one you banged.
KIM
You guys are silly.
PHILIP
I think you meant to say, they’re assholes.
BARTHOLOMEW
My accounting firm merged with a larger company which brought some new changes. The CEO is really against drugs so instead of the usual piss test, he sent out a memo notifying everyone about a more stringent hair follicle test.
SIMON
Are you serious; that seems a bit extreme.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah I guess, but it makes no difference to me.
JUDAS
I thought you were a pothead Focker?
JUDAS
Na, every since I stopped banging your mom, I lost the desire to get high.
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re a complete jerk for that comment; my mom’s a saint.
JUDAS
Yeah, she definitely spent a lot of time on her knees!
The guys laugh.
KIM
That’s uncalled for.
BARTHOLOMEW
What; she prays a lot?
KIM
Oh! I thought you were making a crass joke.
BARTHOLOMEW
No; she prayed all the time. (In woman’s voice)”Lord, please send me more cock!”
The guys laugh.
KIM
I can’t believe I fell for that.
PHILIP
I’m sorry, they aren’t good people.
BARTHOLOMEW
So, we all get the memo, and this guy “Sauce” starts flipping out.
SIMON
Your co-worker’s name is Sauce?
BARTHOLOMEW
No, I forgot his real name. We all call him Sauce because he goes into these random roid rage episodes at the drop of a hat.
KIM
What does sauce have to do with steroids?
PHILIP
When someone uses steroids it’s called being on the sauce.
KIM
Oh.
BARTHOLOMEW
I figured Sauce was going through another roid rage episode, so I didn’t really pay him any mind. The day of the test, he walked in and looked completely different. Sauce had long flowing hair, but his head was shaved.
SIMON
He actually shaved his head to avoid the test?
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s what we thought, which would have been dumb because they can get a hair sample from anywhere on a person’s body. The bald head was a change, but there was something strange about Sauce; he looked completely different.
SIMON
Did he get caught?
BARTHOLOMEW
After we laughed at him for shaving his head, he remained in his office until he had to take the test. It turns out that Sauce actually got the last laugh.
JUDAS
He passed!
BARTHOLOMEW
Nope! They knew he was doping, but he was only suspended without pay for a two weeks.
JUDAS
What? Why didn’t they fire him?
BARTHOLOMEW
Because he shaved his entire body, including eyebrows and everything. I thought he looked strange because of his hair, but it was the eyebrows; I never noticed.
Everyone laughed.
SIMON
That’s insane; he shaved everything?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah; he had some chick do it for him. They couldn’t get a hair sample so he was suspended.
MATTHIAS
These types of stories is why I missed hanging out with you guys.
PHILIP
You only have yourself to blame.
MATTHIAS
Yeah, I know. Everyone is so funny.
SIMON
Except for Phil, of course.
KIM
Phil’s funny.
SIMON
You have to say that.
KIM
I’m serious; he’s hilarious. Just the other day, we went to a restaurant and he reserved our table under Phil McCrakin; the host couldn’t stop laughing.
JUDAS
First of all, that’s old. And second of all, he wasn’t being funny; it was a cry for help. Phil was trying to come out of the closet. He really wanted to have his crack filled in.
SIMON
Isn’t it obvious; what guy chooses a restaurant with a host instead of a hostess?
Philip shakes his head while the guys laugh.
KIM
You guys are just jealous.
PHILIP
Don’t egg them on.
JUDAS
I forgot to tell you guys; I’m going to be rich.
PHILIP
How?
JUDAS
My new invention.
KIM
I can’t wait to hear this.
JUDAS
Kim, you have open toe shoes, right?
KIM
Of course.
JUDAS
I’m going to take that concept and bring it to women’s lingerie.
KIM
They already have sexy open toe shoes for women to wear with lingerie.
JUDAS
I’m talking about, open camel toe panties.
The guys laugh, but Kim can do nothing other than shake her head.
KIM
I have no comment.
JUDAS
Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get a few free pairs.
KIM
I can’t wait.
PHILIP
Let’s get to the real issue before we lose track of time; what is the deal with you and Simon?
JUDAS
I don’t have any problems with Simon. I honestly don’t know why things got so out of hand.
SIMON
It was all my fault. I had something that was bothering me and instead of talking it out, I kept it in and things blew out of proportion.
JUDAS
What did I do?
SIMON
Remember that girl Heather?
JUDAS
Yeah, the one from the bar.
SIMON
I don’t really know how to say this so I’m just going to be direct. Heather knows your friend Dan and she said that you and him are gay lovers.
Judas laughs uncontrollably.
JUDAS
That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.
SIMON
I’m serious. She said you are gay.
JUDAS
I’m not gay. Why the hell would she pick me and Dan? It makes no sense; we banged half of the chicks on campus.
KIM
You don’t have to keep lying; we don’t care if you are into men.
JUDAS
What are you guys talking about? The other day when you said I was gay, I thought it was funny, but this is ridiculous.
PHILIP
You’re our brother, either way.
JUDAS
Hold on a second. So Simon, you mean to tell me you fought with me because you thought I was gay?
SIMON
Sorry, I didn’t know how to react.
JUDAS
That’s fucked up. I know we make a lot of gay jokes, but I’m no homophobe. A lot of my clients are gay and I don’t want to be around anyone who is filled with hate.
SIMON
I’m not homophobic. I was upset that you lied to us, and then I lost control when you kept making comments about banging chicks.
BARTHOLOMEW
I think we all felt betrayed. You don’t ever have to lie to us.
JUDAS
I’m not gay. I don’t even know that chick; why the hell is she discussing me in the first place?
SIMON
Why are you going to sit here and lie?
JUDAS
I’m going to leave before I lose my temper; tell your friend heather that she can go to hell, but I’d like to bang her, first.
Judas stands up and walks to the door.
JUDAS
This is bullshit; I can’t believe you guys are going to take the words of some random whore over me.
Judas slams the door.
BARTHOLOMEW
What just happened here?
SIMON
He must be too afraid to be himself.
KIM
Hopefully, he will be able to get a good night’s sleep and realize that he can be himself around his best friends.
MATTHIAS
I don’t know who this Kim chick is, but I find it hard to believe that Judas is gay.
SIMON
You weren’t at the bar. Judas has been living a lie the entire time.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’ll speak with him tomorrow and see where his head is at.
MATTHIAS
Things have definitely changed since the last time I was around.
PHILIP
You’re right about that.
MATTHIAS
You guys definitely need to slow down with the gay jokes and show some support.
BARTHOLOMEW
I think Judas knows we’re just having fun.
MATTHIAS
Yeah, but sometimes there’s a thin line between joke and hate.
SIMON
Ok, Martin Lawrence, we get the message.
KIM
I agree with Matt; you guys should give Judas some time before starting up with your jokes.
BARTHOLOMEW
Damn, that sucks.
SIMON
Yeah, I’m not even going to lie; it will be a challenge.
Silence fills the room as everyone takes in what just occured.
BARTHOLOMEW
Wait! We don;t have to stop making gay jokes.
SIMON
Na, I think they’re right.
BARTHOLOMEW
No! I have a solution. For example, if I see a guy with skinny jeans and I say, ‘skinny jeans are gay,’ all I have to do is say no homophobe.
SIMON
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah, it’s like no homo. Whenever you make a homophobic comment, you have to say no homophobe, to let everyone know that you are not homophobic.
SIMON
I think I like it. Let me see. Yo, no homophobe, but you need to stop looking at that guy’s ass and focus on defense.
BARTHOLOMEW
Exactly.
KIM
I’m not sure if that works, but Judas will definitely get a laugh after hearing no homophobe.
MATTHIAS
Yeah, I think he’ll like that.
BARTHOLOMEW
We’ll see what happens.
MATTHIAS
It was nice to hang out with you guys again.
SIMON
Don’t go getting gay on us.
BARTHOLOMEW
I think someone owes us a no homophobe.
Everyone laughs and the group decides to call it a night.
[It's A Wrap!]
Check out the first season: Bagging Up.
Second Chance Sunday {IV}
Valentine’s Day
When I think of Saint Valentine’s Day, one incident immediately comes to memory; the Valentine’s Day massacre of 1929. I’m sure Al Capone’s famous order doesn’t resonate with everyone, but I’m a little different. (I would go into details, but that’s what Google is for!)
Valentine’s Day is short and sweet. (Kind of like this post!)
If you have someone, make their day special. If you don’t have someone, don’t hate on those who are happy*. (*In this incident, happy denotes the appearance of being happy even though you may be going through some tough times!)
Obviously, Valentine’s Day is a marketing ploy, but it is what it is. We live in a society which forces people to celebrate their “love” on this particular day. For those of you who feel bitter because you do not have a special someone in your life, August 13 will now be known as Miserable Day! (You can celebrate your negative energy!)
I’m sure there will be people who wonder, “how the heck did he come up with August 13th?” It’s simple really; August doesn’t have a major holiday, so it’s the perfect month, and 13is a so called unlucky number!
I hope everyone has a great day! I’m off to bed! (For a short 2-hour nap before work!)
@PeteTeix617
