Tag Archives: Mother Nature

This Actually Happened – August 11th, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Shake ‘Em Up, Shake ‘Em

Earthquakes and California go together like Peyton Manning and future Super Bowl championships. I’m not the type to worry about things I can’t control, which is why earthquakes never enter my mind. Honestly, I completely forgot about the frequent sudden releases of energy in the Earth’s crust that create seismic waves. (According to the United States Geology Survey website there were 55 earthquakes in the city of Los Angeles since August 5th!)

***Talk about outwit, outplay, and outlast; I challenge anyone to say that I am not the real survivor!***

     Regretfully, most of the seismic shifts have registered less than two on the Richter scale, but I’m a survivor nonetheless. Most people cower at the thought of dying in “the big one,” but I would love to die in a natural disaster. (Call me crazy!)

The other night, after an hour or so of attempting to shutoff my brain, I finally managed to fall asleep only to have Mother Nature wake me up. (I’m starting to think that natural disasters happen during the good lady’s gory vaginal discharge!)

My first earthquake felt like someone snuck into my room and started shaking my bed. (For the first time in my life, I can actually say that my bed was rocking!)

I’m sure there will be those who claim the earthquake was a religious experience, or the result of paranormal activity, but I live in the real world and I enjoyed my first earthquake. Not only did I enjoy the quake, but I look forward to the next one, which I hope is bigger and better. (I know major earthquakes produce great number of deaths, but I think a little collateral damage is worth the experience! CALL ME EVIL!)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am starting to lose interest in Facebook, due to the fact that I feel some people are too “religious!” I don’t have a problem with those who choose to believe complete nonsense, but when people fail to appreciate funny status updates, I get offended!

I have a secret desire to have one complete day of uncensored status updates. I want to comment on every single status update posted by the dumbasses. (I know there may be some people who have a secret desire to share negative comments about my ungodliness, and I really wish they would because my response would be complete unfiltered humor!)

I will probably not be able to have my uncensored day because I would lose many “friends” and cause a lot of hurt to those who are dumb! For example, today I had a funny thought and I almost posted it on Facebook, but I controlled my urges.

Here is the comment. “What is the difference between a slut and a whore?” Who cares; strap up and enjoy the pussy!

Since certain Facebookers have no sense of humor, I will share two different status updates which I posted during a brief uncensored spell, a few nights ago. I’m sure these comments caused some people to cringe, but we can’t live according to the rules of the ones who suck ass!

Never come in her. Come Honor!

***

Do you think mother superior secretly gives head while wearing that hoody? Dumbass, that’s her habit!

     I hope these were enjoyable!

@PeteTeix617

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I Almost Forgot About The San Andreas Fault

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

While living on the east coast, anytime someone mentioned living in California one thought immediately came to mind; earthquakes. I just couldn’t grasp the idea of making a home in an area where you are at a higher risk of dying. To me, the only thing worse than living in California, was if I decided to call the mid-west’s Tornado Alley home. (I understand it is silly to expect people to move from Tornado Alley since it encompasses almost a third of the country, but it’s not for me!)

As you can see, the quake wasn’t too close!

     Prior to my move, I wondered how I would adapt to constantly living on the brink of death; I wasn’t sure if the threat of an earthquake would remain in the back of my mind on a daily basis. Although it was a concern, I never thought about backing out of the trip and I was surprised to discover that earthquakes are pretty irrelevant in Los Angeles. (It’s nothing like Boston where people can’t go a day without mentioning the weather!)

***Quick Tangent***

{I met this woman who thought it was cool that I lived in Boston. She always wanted to live in a city with four seasons. I confirmed that Boston does have four seasons, but all Bostonians know that the downside is the fact that there are times when you can experience all four seasons in one day!}

     Since moving, I rarely think about earthquakes and I never hear anyone talking about any experiences or fears. I basically expected living in California to be one long earthquake evacuation drill with scheduled breaks allowing for people to work and be with family. (Part of me was sad to learn that no one performs any evacuation drills or tactical survival training!)

I didn’t hear about earthquakes when signing the lease for the apartment, not while I purchased car insurance, and not even during the job training. (It’s almost as if these native West Coasters are completely oblivious to the fact that they live on the San Andreas Fault!)

Thankfully, Los Angeles is a few miles west of the fault lines so I think we’re safe. *FINGERS CROSSED!*

The reason I bring up earthquakes, is the fact that a 4.1 magnitude quake struck Southern California, yesterday. The epicenter was in a place called Yorba Linda, located in the O.C. about an hours’ drive from our apartment. I’m happy to report that I survived my first earthquake experience. It’s not what I expected; the incident was like a veteran porn star having sex with a man from Yakutsk, Russia; I didn’t feel a thing! (I figured living in a place as cold as Yakutsk, a man would definitely experience some major shrinkage!)

Great! Now the news stories are about being prepared for the “Big One!” The anchor just reported that there were another seven small earthquakes in SoCal within the last 24 hours! (Thanks for scaring the crap out of me, hot, surgically enhanced, news anchor lady!)

I’m not scared since these things happen. People will always die because Mother Nature is an evil cold-hearted bitch! I know some people may believe that the earthquake was part of “god’s” plan, which is fine. But if that is the case, I have one question about the location of the quake which was felt in Anaheim. What the hell is “god’s” problem with Mickey Mouse? You can destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, but I will not stand by and watch Disney Land be attacked.

This post was brought to you by Quaker State Motor Oil! (I actually got an oil change this afternoon!)

@PeteTeix617

Pot, No

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Most people are taught not to judge a book by its cover. Yet, publishers go through great lengths to create book covers which will draw in the reader! (Life is so confusing!)

The reason I bring up the whole judging a book by its cover thing, is the fact that more often than not people assume that I smoke the pot. I guess it’s the company I keep, but it might be because I’m so cool and we all know that people who smoke the pot are cool!

“She smokes weed, she got a potty mouth!” This line is for all the aspiring rappers out there. Feel free to steal it; I have lyrics for days. (For the record, just because I have the talent to be the greatest rapper alive, doesn’t mean I am pursuing that goal! Rapping is one of my many “god-given” talents which will go unused!)

Contrary to popular belief, I do not smoke the pot. I enjoy all of my brain cells and I have no desire to burn them away. LITERALLY! Usually, after I go through the whole, “seriously; I don’t smoke the pot conversation,” I will receive the same suggestion. “Maybe you should start; weed will help you be more creative.” (As if that’s possible!)

I understand why someone would say such a thing, but I disagree wholeheartedly. I think weed will cause me to be lazy and uninteresting. I gave the matter some thought and an idea popped up.

Here is a sample of what I would create if I smoked the pot:

Why I Started Smoking The Pot

For years I followed the advice of former first lady Nancy Reagan and I said NO TO DRUGS! “When did I meet Nancy Reagan for her to tell me to say no to drugs?” You ask. I never met her. She wrote the message on the inside flap of my Boston Baked Beans candy. (I am happy to say that I have been clean from Boston Baked Beans for seven years, and I’m taking it one day at a time!) I honestly hope that, my new pot smoking habit doesn’t cause me to slip back into my BBB addiction.

Oh shit! I just dropped some ashes on my keyboard. This isn’t working out. I’m going for a smoke break and I’ll be right back.

[Seven days later]

Sorry about that; I completely forgot about this post. In fact, I forgot where the hell I left my laptop. Thank goodness no one else comes up to this rooftop. And I’d like to give a special shout out to Mother Nature for not pissing on Southern California. (It rarely rains in LA!)

It’s crazy, I never knew that rain was Mother Nature’s piss. Now that I think about it, it makes a lot of sense. The sun is crazy hot so she probably gets dehydrated and has to drink all the time. No wonder she is always pissing. I’m guessing she drinks from the Great Lakes and then when she heads back out West, she has to piss around Seattle.

No, she doesn’t drink from the ocean. Are you an idiot? Of course I’m sure she drinks from the Great Lakes. All that salt in the ocean, she would get diabetes.

Ok, back to the reason I smoke weed. It’s because if “god” didn’t want me to smoke weed, he wouldn’t have created it.

“But you’re an atheist.”

Oh yeah, I forgot. I guess the reason I smoke is because I live in California. I was walking on Venice Beach and one of the weed doctor’s minions offered me a Marijuana card. The process was pretty simple so now, I smoke weed.

I think this explains everything. Time for another weed break!

[The End]

You see, I can’t smoke weed. I’d probably lose my laptop and I would only post on a bi-weekly basis!

At least not for me, thanks!

     For those of you who do partake in the enjoyment of the pot, smoke up!

@PeteTeix617