Good Old Marriage Advice

Timothy graduated from Harvard Law School at the top of his class. As expected, every major firm in the country offered him a position. The decision was simple for Tim; “wherever Lucy wants to live is fine with me.” He said. Lucy was Tim’s high school sweetheart and he loved her more than anything; as long as his fiancé was happy, nothing else mattered.

The couple eventually married and Tim became a partner in his Chicago firm. Everything was going well, except for one major problem. Tim wanted children but Lucy wasn’t ready; she wanted to focus on running her salon before venturing into motherhood.

Although the two loved one another unconditionally, the subject of parenthood caused a great deal of tension in the household. In fact, Tim and Lucy argued every single night, before finally slamming doors and sleeping in separate rooms.

After three months of passionless nights, Tim realized something had to be done. His proposal was a night out on the town. He hoped to reignite the fire in their marriage and forget about their problems for at least one night.

Tim pulled out all the stops; reservations at the best restaurant in the windy city, a limo ride to their destination, a night of dancing, and a stay in a luxurious suite.

The night started off well but the romance quickly faded, during dinner. Things took a turn for the worse when an eleven year-old walked past the table, on his way to the little boy’s room. Tim gave the child a high-five, which caused Lucy to assume her husband was attempting to drop a hint.

Try as he did, Tim was unable to avoid an argument. The hot-blooded conversation even caused the manager to ask the couple to control themselves. Tim thought the night was a complete loss, since they sat in complete silence while waiting for the waiter to bring the check.

Suddenly, Lucy placed her hand on top of Tim’s hand and smiled at him. “I’m sorry for all the drama; let’s try to enjoy the remainder of the night.” She uttered.

Tim was completely shocked. “I think that’s a great idea.”

Lucy’s change of heart came when she noticed an elderly gentleman, spoon-feeding a piece of chocolate cake to his lovely wife. “Look at those two; I wonder what their secret is.” She said.

Tim turned and admired the amorous couple. “That will be us one day.” He said.

Lucy’s heart melted. “I love you. I don’t want to waste another second arguing. Let’s start a family.” She said.

Tim couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I love you.” He said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Lucy also began to release her own tears of joy. The couple often spoke about the importance of family. That night, Lucy finally realized that she no longer wanted to put her career ahead of her family. “You’re going to be the best dad, ever!” She said.

Tim smiled. “And you will be the world’s greatest mom!” He responded.

Tim apologized to the waiter for their previous behavior. “We would also like to pay for the elderly couple’s check.” Tim said.

“I’ll let Good old Jack know that you covered his meal.” The waiter replied.

The waiter walked across the room and revealed Tim’s generous gesture to the couple. They were surprised and touched. Before exiting, Jack and his lady, Kathy, walked over to express their appreciation.

The two couples chatted while they walked towards the restaurant’s back door. Tim and Lucy watched as Jack opened up the passenger side door for Kathy and gently closed it after she entered.

“Hey Jack, how long have you been married?” Tim asked.

“Fifty-eight wonderful years!” Jack answered.

“Still a gentleman after all the years!” Tim said.

Jack smiled.

“What’s your secret? How do you stay happily married after so many years?” Tim asked.

Jack walked over to Tim and his wife. He leaned in and whispered. “It’s pretty simple. I leave the old ball and chain at home whenever I get the hankering for some sweet widow pussy!” Jack proudly stated before winking!



Twitter Is Back To Being Fun

When I first signed up for Twitter, I found the site to be a great place to read random unfiltered comments from funny people. Sadly, things changed and the site became a place where one can actually witness society’s downward spiral; reverse evolution is real. (There was a time when self-respect was important!)

Scrolling down through my old timeline was an adventure down heard it before lane. All I read were tweets about hating one’s job and looking forward to days off in order to party. I may be out of touch, but I’m pretty sure there is a lot more to life than drinking and smoking marijuana. (By the way, if you don’t live in a state with legal medical marijuana, you probably shouldn’t tweet about your illegal drug use!)

Furthermore, it shocks me that most of the worst offenders are so called believers. These degenerates must think their “all-knowing lord” is incapable of reading their tweets. Obviously, there is no need for anyone to panic because we all know that there is no “god;” feel free to continue the tomfoolery. (Just be advised that Twitter is nothing like Vegas; what happens there will follow you for the rest of your lives!)

In an effort to improve my Twitter experience. I decided to follow some atheists. Boy was that the right move. I can now scroll through my timeline and find examples of people who actually get it. (It’s quite refreshing!)

I thought I kicked the habit!

     It was great to follow Jerry DeWitt, who is the first graduate of a project which helps religious leaders leave their respective faiths, once they arrive at the realization that “god” doesn’t exist. Jerry served as a Pentecostal minister for 25 years in Louisiana before becoming an atheist. (The great thing about Twitter is the ability to tweet back and forth with anyone!)

***I suggest following Jerry: @jerry_dewitt***

     Another person I enjoy following is @SexySkeptic. Not only is she knowledgeable, but she’s also attractive. “How hot?” You ask.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating a bag of chips without a napkin!

Who knows? Maybe one day I will meet a nice atheist woman to settle down and start a family. We could produce intelligent atheist offspring and maybe a couple dogs. (Just kidding about the dogs; children are enough of a responsibility!)

I can picture it now. My wife and I would send our first born, a boy named RePete, to the finest Parochial school in the country. Understandably, RePete would refuse to conform to the mandatory prayer demands from the faculty, which would eventually spark a massive lawsuit. (I would continue with this storyline, but that life seems like it would suck and I definitely wouldn’t force my child to attend a school which teaches about a mythical fatherly wizard and his magician son who could outperform Chris Angel any day of the week!)

To be honest, my preference would not be to date an atheist. I’d much rather find a woman who is extremely religious. I’m talking about a woman who has trouble sleeping because as she puts it, “tonight is the night that I will share Jesus’ suffering and experience the stigmata!” (She wouldn’t be crazy; just religious!)

“Hey, what’s the difference between crazy and religious?” You wonder.


I’d also want the woman’s parents to be religious freaks. (I’m not talking about amateur porn stars who dress up in priest and nun outfits!) When I say religious freaks, I mean people who meet with the priest in the church’s media room in order to go over film of the mornings’ proceedings. (I haven’t been to church in a while; people do that, right?)

The reason I’d prefer to marry a religious woman is solely for the purpose of creating a never-ending awkward situation. Her parents will think that I am a worthy suitor, except for the fact that I am an atheist. It will just eat at him each and every moment until he finally gives in and accepts his little atheist grandchildren. The best perk would be the ability to teach RePete (Yeah, that name is definitely happening!) to tease his grandfather about his faith. (Why else would anyone want children?)

Each time we visited my future in-laws, RePete would ask his granddad to tell him one of his great Jesus the magician stories!

I know all this talk about RePete may cause people to assume that I want children, but I don’t! (To read why, click the link: You Can Keep Your Legacy.)

Romance talk aside, Jerry DeWitt posted a tweet that intrigued me. I followed the link to an interesting article, which I will discuss tomorrow!


This Actually Happened – June 2nd, 2012

Worst Porn Experience Ever

This week’s story is true, but it does not involve me. The tale comes from Dakhalia, Egypt. Apparently, a man named “Ramadan” decided to disobey his lord and savior, Mohammad, by searching the internet for pornography. {Read actual story here: Egyptian Wife Porn Star} Before I continue, let me make it perfectly clear that the most shocking element to this story is the fact that this man was looking at porn in an internet cafe! (Show better form my good man!) Ramadan was worried that his wife may discover his love of porn, but he received an unbelievable surprise when he pressed the play button on one of the videos. The starlet in the film was none other than Ramadan’s wife of sixteen years. (Sounds like someone got an unhappy ending!) It turns out that the woman was still in love with her lover who was closer to her age than her elderly husband. (This is definitely one of the side effects of robbing the cradle!) Earlier in the post, I fibbed. The most shocking element of the story is this quote from the world’s most unluckiest man: “I found 11 films showing my wife in indecent scenes with her lover….it was the first time I watched a porno film and I did this just out of curiosity.” I’ll believe in “god” before I believe that nonsense! Who knows; maybe Ramadan was telling the truth! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!



The Drought 30

It is finally over! Tiger Woods is back!

     I started watching golf in the early nineties. (By watching golf, I mean playing the sport on video games!) My favorite player was always Jack “The Golden Bear” Nicklaus, and I enjoyed competing against the course and the unfortunate individuals who challenged me. (I’m kidding; I honestly don’t remember who won!)

The video games were fun times, but watching golf on television left a little to be desired. (Actually, it left a lot to be desired!) The sport was boring, and I hated the networks for taking up valuable television time with a bunch of old guys walking around a boring course. “Honestly, who the hell watches this crap?” I often yelled.

Everything changed when a young amateur named Tiger Woods competed in his first Masters. He didn’t win, but it was evident that he was a future star. I watched some of the coverage, and I slowly gained interest in the sport.

In 1997, Woods dominated at the Masters and won the Major by 12 strokes with a final score of (-18). I was hooked; I watched every second of the final day. I became a fan of the sport because of Tiger Woods and the Masters is my favorite tournament. (The fact that the Masters is held in the greatest month has nothing to do with anything; these things happen!)

I was deeply saddened when Tiger became an average golfer. I’m a big fan and it’s great to see him back to his winning ways. I’m assuming that he is also back to smashing random whores. (I apologize for calling the women who elect to sleep with Tiger Woods, whores. I’m sure they are misunderstood, and I probably don’t know them so how can I judge them? ***I was laughing out loud while typing the last statement!***)

Adultery is dumb. I’m not talking about any morality; I am simply looking at the business side of things. If a man plans on cheating on his wife, he should not get married. DIVORCE IS EXPENSIVE! (If you don’t believe me, as Kobe or Tiger!)

To read more about my thoughts on marriage, follow the link: My Proposal To Save Marriage.

Tiger played in 30 tournaments without a win. For a Woods’ fan, Sports Center was was almost unbearable. Thankfully, the golf world is back to normal. Let me see if I can remember the old adage. Behind every successful man is an infinite amount of insignificant sluts! Tiger Woods is winning! (Not in the crazy Charlie Sheen sense!)

Don’t worry, Tiger. You’re not married anymore; it’s all good!

     I don’t know about everyone else, but I’ll be tuned in for this years’ Masters.



The Lost Toasts (Crazy Night)

If you came here expecting to find the lightly burnt piece of bread which you misplaced, you’re probably an idiot!

In my July 1st entry, My Proposal To Save Marriage, I mentioned attending two weddings. The nuptials were a week apart and I was prepared to give a toast, in case someone passed me a microphone! Unfortunately for everyone in attendance, the request never came. (Their loss!)

***In honor of Hispanic heritage month, the actual names will be given some Sabor!***

     My sister, Marcela, married her husband, Guillermo, on June 18th; here is the toast I would have given:

[Inside the Reception Hall]

Master of Ceremonies: “I will now call up the brother of the bride.”

[I saunter to the stage and he hands me the microphone. There are two reactions by the wedding guests. The people who didn’t know me, thought it was a great gesture for me to say a few words. The people who knew me, were terrified; not knowing what I would say!]

Me: “Thank you, kind sir.”

[The MC leaves the stage.]

Me: “First of all, I’d like to welcome Guillermo to the family.”

[There is a loud applause.]

Me: “I don’t know about everyone else, but when I think of marriage, I think of Jesus.”

[I pause for effect.]

Me: “Jesusssssss!” *In my best reverend impersonation*

[Those who know me are scared out of their minds.]

ME: “Those of you, who know me, know that I am not a religious person, but I always knew my sister was going to get married before she turned 30, because of Jesus. This may sound crazy, but it was the messiah himself who told her about her future marriage.”

[People look at me as if I am crazy.]

Me: “I’m serious. When we were young, Jesus told my sister that she would get married before the age of 30.”

[My sister looks puzzled.]

Me: “It all happened during the summer of ’89. My mother was taking us to the mall so we could do some shoe shopping; I couldn’t wait to buy a new pair of Jordan’s. My mom stopped at our family business to get some money and we remained outside. Out of nowhere, my sister taps me on the shoulder and says, ‘I am going to be married before I am 30.’ I had no idea what caused her to bring up the subject of marriage and I said, ‘what?’ She repeated the statement and I asked, ‘how do you know?’ That’s when she said the three words which I will never forget, ‘Jesus told me’!”

[The audience is on the edge of their seats.]

Me: “What? When the heck did you see Jesus? She pointed directly at me and said, ‘He’s right there.’ I was stunned at first; was she calling me Jesus? After a few seconds, I realized that she was actually pointing at a fifteen degree angle; from what I could ascertain, Jesus was over my right shoulder. As you can imagine, this was a confusing time for me. On the one hand, I was too afraid to turn around and see the ‘savior’ standing behind me; on the other hand, I was intrigued.”

[I pause again for effect.]

ME: “I don’t know what everyone’s beliefs are, but on that warm summer day, [I scan the room and look a few people directly in the eye. In my most convincing tone, I uttered the most powerful three words known to man.] I saw Jesus!”

[People are stunned, and have a strong desire to hear more.]

Me: “I turned around and the sun was directly in my eyes. I struggled to keep them open, but I was able to make out a figure. It was clearly a man; he was sitting on a rock. I held my right hand up to my forehead to shield my eyes from the sun’s forceful glare.”

[I hold up my hand to my forehead to reenact my motion for those in attendance. For the rest of the tale, I speak in a soft whisper.]

Me: “His face becomes clearer to me. To my amazement, I recognize the man. I turn to my sister and shake my head, disapprovingly. JESUS? *Spanish Pronunciation*You’re talking about Jesus? *Spanish Pronunciation*That drunk bastard will say anything! Last week, he told me I was going to play for the Red Sox!”

[The wedding guests erupt into laughter.]

Me: “Who knew? Drunk-ass Jesus *Spanish Pronunciation* was right!”

[I walk back to my seat, proudly, and the applause almost brings a tear to my eye!]

Too bad the toast never happened!

     The second wedding was celebrated the following week, on June 25th. My cousin Juanito married his lovely bride, Tulia. The maid of honor was Tulia’s sister, Katia. Prior to the wedding, Katia jokingly asked me to give her some ideas for a toast. Luckily, I came up with a good one. Here is the toast I suggested:

***I think it is important to mention that this was a large ceremony with over 600 guests, including the Mayor of Boston, along with some of the nuns and priests from the local church!***

     When they call you up, thank whoever hands you the microphone, then say, “what a funny mother!” Don’t say “fucker,” but mouth the word. Act surprised, as if the microphone stopped working. Look around at the crowd, and then look back at the microphone. Say, “hello?” Look puzzled and then mouth the word “fuck.” Again, act surprised as if the microphone is malfunctioning. Repeatedly mouth the word “fuck,” and look surprised after each “failed” attempt. Each time, you should appear to say the word with more conviction. After several failed attempts, pause, look at the audience, and shrug your shoulders. Finally, look at the microphone and motion as if you have solved a great riddle. Hold the microphone high so everyone can see it, and act as if you clicked a switch. Bring the microphone close to your mouth and say, “Who the fuck turned on the vulgar guard?” The audience will be laughing their asses off! (Well, not everyone!) From that moment on, you will have the people eating out of your hands!

I was way too drunk to remember Katia’s actual toast, but she did not take my suggestion. The audience would have loved my toast. (Oh well, these things happen!)

Let this be a lesson to all. You don’t have to include me in your wedding party because I would much rather drink freely without having any responsibilities, but get me involved in the speech making process; you won’t regret it!

The last toast is a perfect introduction to the story I am about to tell. I mentioned being drunk at the wedding but I was beyond inebriated; I was de-steroid! My cousin, Nestor, is the groom’s brother so he was in the wedding party. Nestor has a Chevy Tahoe, which I drove to the hall so we would be able to fit as many drunkards as possible; minimizing the number of people driving under the influence. (You see, I was actually paying attention during my forced attendance at a MADD presentation. Read my entry, Was I Expelled From Seton Hall, posted on July 11th.)

After the church ceremony, I drove to the Hall and parked the Tahoe in the main garage. The reception was a bit of a blur; I do remember the bar! About an hour before the festivities ended, my only concern was getting home as fast as possible, so I could sleep. I saw my mom, Maria, who was on her way to the exit, and I said, “If you’re leaving, I’m riding with you guys.” (I didn’t change my mom’s name; it has enough Sabor!) She replied, “You are drunk!” I shook off her wild accusation and replied, “No, I’m tired!” She obviously didn’t believe me.

I found Nestor and handed him his keys. I headed for the exit and found my mom. She was saying “bye” to some of the people who were in the hallway and I headed outside for some fresh air. When I exited the building, I ran into Juanito’s brother-in-law, Chano. I have no idea what we were talking about or how long we conversed, but I do remember failing to notice that my mom walked past me.

When I finally realized she was taking too long, I walked back inside. I came to the conclusion that she was at the car and I decided to meet her there. (Keep in mind, I had no idea where she parked!) I assumed she was in the garage and walked towards the entrance.

**Before the story continues, I must give a description of the hotel.**

     The wedding reception was held at the Marriott in Quincy, Massachusetts. It is important to note the fact that the hotel is located on top of a massive hill. (Pictured below!) If you look at the photo, the entrance has a red awning. The entrance to the garage is only a few feet away. (The black line marks my adventure and the green line is my return trip!)

I entered the garage and I walked all the way to the bottom. I couldn’t believe that I failed to find the car. In my drunken state, I decided to walk around and look for my parents. Maybe they parked in the exterior lot.

The exit to the garage is also marked in the photo. I walked across the dirt path and entered the other lot. I headed towards the building, but the door was locked. (Why I wanted to enter the building is a mystery to me!) I then walked all the way around the building almost completing a full circle. I found myself along the main road, hoping to catch the car as it drove by.

I also made the great decision to walk towards the highway, which is not pictured, off to the right. After about fifteen minutes of walking, reality set in. “What the hell am I doing?” I thought. I realized that I had to go back to the hotel and find a ride.

I turned around and looked towards the hotel. It was far away, and on top of what appeared to be a mountain. I had two choices; I could either walk back, or sleep on the grass and find a cab in the morning. (Luckily, my cell phone was dead!) I wanted to sleep in the grass, but I have no aspirations of becoming a hobo, so I walked back. Actually, I should say I stumbled back!

I arrived at the base of the hotel, but around the corner from the garage entrance. (I marked the area with a green circle.) I looked up at the hotel and all I could see was a high rock wall. I knew how far the entrance to the garage was, and I decided to just make the climb. (Yes, I had on a suit and shoes!)

I made several attempts to climb to the summit, but I always slipped back to the ground after two or three steps. (My suit was ruined!) I realized I would probably end up killing myself if I continued, so I stopped climbing. I made the long trek to the garage entrance and walked all the way to the top.

Thankfully, my cousin Emilio was standing outside of a car. (I marked the spot at the end of the green line.) The driver was my cousin Teresita, and she was with her sister Elena. Teresita offered to bring me home after she dropped off Emilio, IN BRAINTREE! I was drunk, but I had enough sense to decline the ride because I wanted to get home ASAP. (I would explain the distances for Quincy and Braintree, but there is such a thing named Google maps!)

Luckily, another cousin was standing nearby. Danilo offered to give me a ride and I followed him back into the garage. There we met up with several other cousins and I passed out in the car while they discussed the latest CNN polls, or whatever men talk about after a wedding. A short trip later, I was in front of my house and the journey ended.

The following day, I saw Nestor and he mentioned that I neglected to give him the location of his Tahoe. He assumed it was in the garage and found it fairly quickly. (The location is also pictured!)

     This tale may seem outlandish, but I actually had to experience what happened. What a night!


What’s Love Got To Do With It

People often use the term “Unconditional Love” when speaking about the love they have for someone who they consider to be exceptional. The word unconditional is added in order to show that the love is extra special. To me, saying Unconditional love is being redundant. The way I see it, all love is unconditional. The love we have for parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, our children, and friends, is unconditional. (I know I said “Our Children,” but I was speaking in general. Virgins don’t make babies! *@Efidalgo12 is a jerk! See below.*)

We can even develop a love for an ex, but the love has nothing to do with the desire to be in a relationship with the person; the love is unconditional and is the same as the love that we have for friends and family. (The biggest mistake people make is allowing the love for an ex to confuse them. If you dated someone for a long time, they will always have a place in your heart, but it doesn’t mean you should fight to be with the ex, or that the ex is “the one.” Accept the fact that you care for your ex and move on. Let the past relationship go and cultivate a new one!) We will love all of the special people who enter our lives for as long as we still have a breath to breathe!

“What about when we are no longer friends with someone; doesn’t the love end?” NO! If you lose the “love” that you had for a former friend, the person was never a true friend and you never loved them. It is impossible to stop loving a friend. True friendship involves unconditional love; friendship is for life. (People often call an associate a “friend,” but the truth of the matter is the friendship is more fragile than a falling snowflake touched, in mid-descent, by an exuberant child during the year’s first snowfall!)

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!” Don’t ever do this; it’s a dumb statement. Who the hell wants to keep their enemies close? The best thing to do is avoid having enemies. Life is way too short to be worried about what other people think of you. If someone wants to be your enemy, simply allow the person to be non-existent in your life! (Don’t be fake. Tell the person you do not have time for their nonsense and don’t allow yourself to get involved in their pettiness!)

“How can you say, ‘Love doesn’t exist,’ and then say, ‘all love is unconditional;’ ARE YOU INSANE?” NO! When I said love doesn’t exist, I was referring to relationships. I have defined all love as unconditional, which excludes all relationships from involving true love. Relationships are one hundred percent conditional; a relationship is a verbal contract. Two consenting adults agree to join together on a quest for happiness. (Some couples make it to the promise land, but most fail miserably!) It takes real commitment and trust to have a successful relationship. It’s basically like a recovering addict. The couple has to take things one day at a time, because any big mistake can ruin the relationship on any given day. All of the hard work that was exerted to build a wonderful union can be destroyed in an instance with one selfish decision.

People who believe in true love are placing themselves at a disadvantage. The belief in true love can force people to stay in unhealthy relationships. DON’T EVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE MISTREATED! The only pain that should exist in a relationship, involves being away from your partner; regardless of what the songs say, being in love doesn’t hurt! We all deserve to be considered special by a partner! Most importantly, never ever get married to someone for the wrong reasons. (Never being married has to be better than being married to the wrong person and getting a divorce!) People often talk about having “cold feet!” If you have cold feet, don’t get married; it’s not normal. If you are engaged to the right person, the two of you should be excited and running towards the altar. If having cold feet was normal, we wouldn’t have a divorce rate that is over fifty percent. (For more on marriage, read my previous post ‘My Proposal To Save Marriage’ – July 1st.)

My views will probably cause people to make the assumption that I do not believe in two people joining together and enjoying a long lasting committed relationship. Don’t ever assume! Have you already forgotten last week’s lesson? (Those who assume, make an ASS out of U and ME!) I’m not some bitter, heart-broken person with a hatred of love. I enjoy life and I do believe in wonderful relationships that can blossom into great marriages, which last forever. (Of course forever means until death. We have no idea what happens upon expiration. *That has to be the most horrible term for death!*) Who wouldn’t want to find a great life-long partner? I’m just not overly concerned with finding a woman with whom I will vow to have repeated one-night stands. (Again, that has to be the worst description of a committed relationship known to man!) I don’t believe there is a special person for everyone. You meet someone and, together, you become special for each other; there is no fate or “meant to be!” (That’s psycho talk!)

What people call love, should really be called “in love.” Those who are in relationships can be in love, but it is never the true unconditional love that I discussed earlier; ‘in love’ can end whenever the relationship sours. In love, is probably one of the most misunderstood emotions known to man. Society places too much emphasis on falling in love, which causes people to force themselves to think they are in love. FYI: In love cannot occur at first sight; that’s called “in lust.” In love takes time and I mean a lot of time. (Only psychos fall in love too soon! Run for the hills if someone falls in love with you before they truly know who you are!) *I don’t know what makes “the hills” a safe place for people to run to, but we’re always being told to run for the hills!*

I hope this entry has explained my views on love. Please allow me to paraphrase Forrest Gump when I say, “Love is like a box of chocolates!” It gets old and stale. At that point, all we want is a new box! (Pun most definitely intended!)

Please disregard the above statement. I don’t think being in love gets old and stale…at least not if it’s a great relationship. (The quote popped into my head and I couldn’t resist the temptation of sharing!) Lucky are those who find an amazing partner to share life experiences. For they have a wealth far greater than the US deficit!


**Let me explain the whole @Efidalgo12 statement from above. The guy actually used his monumental two thousand and eleventh tweet to take a shot at me.

@Efidalgo12: S/O to my 2011th tweet. The next time my # of tweets will coincide with the year will be around the time @PeteTeix617 loses his virginity.

Boy, I’ll tell you. These Miami fans have a lot of pent-up anger. It’s not my fault The U sucks!

There is no shame in waiting for the right person!**



My Proposal To Save Marriage

I grew up in a time when weddings were arguably the most important event in a person’s life. Meeting that special someone to spend the rest of your life with was the ultimate goal. The excitement that followed an engagement was only rivaled by the excitement of one’s parents planning a trip to Disney World. (Unless you went a dozen or so times. Yeah, I was spoiled!) NOT inviting someone to a wedding could create a feud only surpassed by the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s. TIMES HAVE CHANGED! Today, people select life-partners, as if they are choosing fruit — if it turns out to be a bad one, who cares? They’ll get another one tomorrow.

**Word of advice to any man or woman who is planning on getting married. If you are looking forward to sleeping with or engaging in any sexual activity with one or more strippers, prior to the wedding day – YOU’RE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED!!! In addition, if you plan on sleeping with anyone who is not a stripper prior to or after the wedding day, see capitalized text above!**

I’m a believer in the fact that weddings and funerals continue to be the greatest events. Obviously weddings are more joyous than funerals, but I enjoy both, simply because each brings family and friends together in one place to support one another. (I’ll write about death soon!)

Recently, I attended two weddings and I had a fantastic time at each. More importantly I feel the true love, which was evident, helped to demonstrate that marriages remain essential to a sophisticated society. Not only is the wedding day splendid but the anticipation, leading up to the date, is exhilarating. Although I enjoy weddings, I must say there is one aspect of marriage which truly upsets me. THE DIVORCE! (This entry has been something that I’ve thought about for years.) It truly bothers me when couples break the vow of marriage, especially when they do so, QUIETLY.

People (religious couples) stand in front of their chosen deity and vow to stay together forever. Family and friends stand as witnesses to the new union. The emotional moment brings many people to tears. (Not me! There was clearly something in my eyes.) The ceremony is beautiful, the reception is beautiful, the honeymoon is…well I’ve never been but, I can imagine. Actually I don’t have to imagine. Check out, GOOD TIMES! At any rate, the entire wedding experience is what little girls all over the world are dreaming about as you read. Everyone gets eager to see the new couple when they return from their trip to some exotic location. Everything is wonderful.

AND THEN…something goes horribly wrong. A philandering husband, a loose wife, an overly-friendly neighbor, an addiction to porn, a jealous sibling, a forgotten love, a whorish ex, the mailman, etc. Whatever the case may be, the sense of disappointment reverberates through the extended family. In America today, more than half of all marriages end in Divorce, but we never expect it to be the people we know and love. “Not those two; they were made for each other,” we all assume. (Obviously there are some exceptions. We’ve all had that one experience where everyone is thinking, what the hell are these two thinking!)

Divorce always affects me negatively. I don’t know what it is, but I guess there is a part of me that believes in true love. (Yeah I know, SHOCKING!) Sometimes, a couple will  get a divorce without people even knowing.  I know I just found out about one recently. (Always sucks to hear, although I am never shocked.) I’ll never forget where I was when I heard of Tiger Woods’ transgressions. That may have been the divorce that ruined marriage for me. (I was in my bedroom, typing something fantastic, with the television on, if you must know.) Too many people are getting hitched just for the sake of it. Somehow, marriage has lost its significance.

Fortunately, I have the solution to the divorce problem! **The Divorce Party**

That’s right people, I propose something that will prevent couples from jumping into a marriage before they are prepared. We (wedding guests) deserve to witness the divorce. And we deserve to witness it in the same manner – the same Pomp and Stance! What do I mean by “Divorce Party?” Well, I’ll tell you. (After reading this, please send letters to your elected officials to ensure that a law is enacted.)

***Before I divulge the intricacies of the Divorce Party, let me point out that the porn site mentioned above does not exist. I repeat. The porn site above does not exist; I just made it up, PERVERTS! Half of you have already found that out and half were waiting to check it out after they finish this entry. Nonetheless, I’m sure those of you who haven’t, will still attempt the IP address later.***

A Divorce Party, MUST be mandatory. Meaning, no divorce can be finalized unless a government witness, who is to be paid by the couple, is in attendance.

Divorce Party Details:

  1. The person (priest, minister, etc.) who officiated the marriage must be present at the divorce Party. If that person is deceased, a replacement Official of equal importance must be present.
  2. The same location, or one which is comparable must be selected.
  3. A photographer must be hired. If a videographer was hired to film the wedding, you guessed it — one must be hired for the divorce. (Copies of the film MUST be made readily available to anyone who desires one.)
  4. The Divorce Party is a two part event, just as most marriages are.
  5. If a couple is married in a church, the divorce party’s first act must also occur in a church. There must also be a Divorce Mass, if there was one for the wedding. Conversely, if the wedding was not held in a church, then a similar location must be chosen.
  6. Every person who was invited to the wedding must be invited to the Divorce, and the invitations are to be sent out in a timely manner. Furthermore, the invitations are to be sent out with the same grandiose as the ones for the wedding.
  7. Groomsmen and Bridesmaids are to be selected. If an individual who served during the wedding is unavailable, he or she must be replaced. (The suits and dresses are to be paid for by the divorcing couple, and limousines are to be provided for transportation)
  8. For the first act of the event, the couple must sit before the witnesses, and answer any and all questions that will be asked by the Wedding Official. (priest minister, etc) The guests will not be permitted to ask any questions. This will be the Officials time, but guests CAN challenge the truthfulness of any answer. Snickering by the audience is not only allowed, but encouraged. Also, the yelling out of asinine comments, may be frowned upon but, WILL be allowed.
  9. When the Wedding Official is satisfied with the answers given, he or she will allow the divorce proceedings to continue.
  10. At the end of the first ceremony, the couple must walk down the isle side-by-side, detached, with arms folded.
  11. The divorcing couple must ride together in the same car; they are free to select any vehicle. The Bridal Party will ride to the Divorce Reception in the limousines provided.
  12. The main event must be held in a hall of equal or greater elegance as the wedding hall.
  13. The Bridal Party must get together at a chosen location and take photos.
  14. Hors d’œuvres must be served for the guests while they await the arrival of the Bridal Party.

*******MY FAVORITE RULE*******

  1. THE DIVORCE RECEPTION MUST BE OPEN-BAR! (Paid for by the couple, and we’re definitely talking about open-bar all night! And none of that garbage about, “you can only have this or that.” COMPLETELY OPEN-BAR!) To further illustrate my point, the bar must be more open than the vagina of…{This is the portion of the blog where the reader gets to be involved!!! Insert name of someone you know, who has a vagina which is always open for business. Have fun with this; it’s not an assignment. Feel free to add that name in the comment section, tweet it, post it on facebook, or you can text it to your best friend!}
  2. The Bridal Party must be individually announced when they enter the reception hall.
  3. The seating arrangements are specific. The guests are to be seated in the same manner as a typical wedding reception. The members of the Bridal Party are to be seated in the middle of the room facing the elevated main table, which will seat the divorcing couple. (It is essential for the “Divorce Table to be elevated, so all guests can have an unobstructed view of the divorcing couple.”)
  4. There is to be an MC, who will be responsible for all announcements.
  5. A live band or DJ must also be hired.
  6. Each member of the Bridal Party will have the opportunity to either give a speech, or ask questions of the divorcing couple. (They are to answer any and every question honestly. Anyone in attendance will be allowed to challenge the validity of the answers.) The divorcing couple must present members of the Bridal Party with an appropriate gift, after each person speaks.
  7. It will then be the open-mic segment of the evening. This is when the lavish dinner MUST be served. Any and all guests will be allowed the opportunity to ask a question, or give a speech. The MC must ensure that each guest who has a question for the divorcing couple is heard.
  8. Once all questions are answered, and the government witness is satisfied, the dancing can commence. (The guests of honor are not allowed to refuse any dance requests.)
  9. The divorcing couple will not be permitted to leave the reception until all of the guests depart.

If someone has the desire to be promiscuous and free, I have no problem with it. Live your life as you please! Just don’t put on a charade in front of family and friends, by getting married. Let matrimony be for the people who are truly in love – stay single and do your thing. It is my sincere hope that, by implementing my Divorce Party idea, people will think twice before rushing into a marriage for the wrong reasons!!!