I Miss My “God”

For some reason, I was inspired to rewrite Lil Wayne’s song, I Miss My Dawgs.


I Miss My “God”

Verse 1

And man I miss the times,

that I lied,

you would keep on your side

You would teach me not to cry

and you would teach me about pride

Then I’d grab the bible,

go over the lines

I believed the same tradition,

but then I changed position, shit

I had to change, but I miss ya,

and its strange

but I, never forget ya

I know I put you in them Facebook memes wodie

You can’t be angry about the dissing wodie

That’s right,

you never replied,

and never will,

you don’t exist homie

Before I die,

It ain’t no lie

I’ll teach the kids homie

My knowledge is theirs

I gotta give homie,

and yea

Some people still follow in this bitch homie

Yea, St Patrick’s still represent homie, shit homie

I know the real

Is you feeling me Jizzle

That altar boy shit, still in me Jizzle,

word the giggity Jizzle

But I ain’t got time to change the history

I miss you and I know you missing me




 Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)


Verse 2

And I remember when I prayed for the “truth”

Went to Catholic school, but never stayed for the “truth,”

Escaped to BLS during my youth

I emptied my school bag and ran for new tools

I went with the big bang and away from your rules

So I decided not to hang around and listen to your fools

And I was alone in my views, my church was angry at the schools, shit

But I knew I’d be straight

Vowed to stay away from the hate

Stopped going to mass and ignored all the fake

I was waiting for their anger to rise,

See I was patient so there was no surprise

Your building is filled only with lies

Real students never fear myths

But every faith ain’t filled with stories that’s real

You’re not real

You know I would quickly change my ways not turn you down

But you can never come around


History is history

I miss you and I know you missing me




Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)


Verse 3

You was my guidance, my joy, my heart, my teacher

My main motherfucker the preacher

My brother, my pastor,

I was apprentice, he was master

I questioned, he schooled,

I challenged, he fooled

We sang, we prayed,

Poor people still paid

I was hip to the game,

Saw the answers were lame

Remember my questions, I was skeptical

I remained in trouble every day ‘cause your logic was terrible

Remember that I’d leave, and, my bible stayed behind

You told me not to research on my own, but I was straight on the grind

While I watched how you lied to the laity

Including my family and friends, your methods are shady

Yea I hate those times my “brother”

Now I recognize real you were never my brother

Yea, I realize my “brother,”

I got my brothers

The men you leave behind are my brothers



Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass we were counting cash (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)


Simply put, I think I just miss being dumb!


About these ads

It Was A Truth Day

In the past, I mentioned the fact that I enjoy changing the lyrics of hit songs. This is a rewrite of Ice Cube’s It Was A Good Day. My version is called It was A Truth Day. ENJOY!


Ice Cube – It Was A Good Day

(For maximum enjoyment, click on the link and have the song playing while reading the lyrics!)


It Was A Truth Day:

Just waking up in the morning never thank “god”

I don’t know why religion is the biggest fraud

No dying on the cross, no mosque

I’d rather believe in Santa and Jack frost

I got my church on, but never bought in

Never figured out why the pastor was ballin’

So hooked it up a later as I left the faith

Will believers let me live, or kill me with their hate

I had to go ‘cause the nonsense would not stop

And since I made the switch, atheism hit the spot

I won’t stop, till I spread knowledge

Basic information people should’ve picked up in college

Now everything is ok

Status updates and tweets filled with whatever I want to say

Calling out the phonies and I’m testing them

Leave the church, and don’t believe what they sellin’

Start me on the subject and I’m hell

Jehovah’s witness stay far away from my bell

Teaching truth every day like MLK  

I can’t believe, today was a truth day.


Drove past the church and saw mindless

They waved hello but I saw through the kindness

Cause just yesterday them fools tried to convert me

Saw the good priest and I could tell he wanna hurt me

No stressin, I didn’t even hear what he was yellin’

No thanks for the blessin’  

Went to my friend’s house, they was watching HBO with Bill Mahr

There’s no question he’s a star

He’ll wake ‘em up, wake ‘em up, wake ‘em up, wake ‘em

Hit e’m with enough religious facts to try and break ‘em

There is no heaven, no freakin’ heaven, no freakin’ heaven

Heaven exists only in the minds of the loco

They create the pastor’s cash flow

Ask him to share, and he’ll probably say hell no

Plus nobody I know got scammed from the asshole

Today was a truth day


The pastor leaves the church paid

Picked up a tip, he uses the money to get himself head

It’s ironic, he teaches one thing and does another

I don’t like the ways of Jesus’ brother

He drives through the streets in a Caddy

Prostitutes call him daddy, his life is really crappy

His skeletons go deep

So deep

So deep it turns out he’s a creep

Yet he’s ranked number one

To his congregation, this piece of shit is a freakin’ top gun

His brainwashing abilities have no match

Women think he’s a catch but he’s all about the snatch

I’ll be glad if the truth is revealed

Give the people knowledge till their mind’s healed

I dream of the day when the truth rules

Confiscate the pope’s gold and his huge jewels

No investigators looking for the perverts

When priests see the police they get real nervous

Even saw a minister with an Iphone

Might as well call him the devil’s clone

The pastor’s drunk as hell but not throwing up

Half way through the year and his account is still blowing up

He doesn’t even pay taxes when he gets paid

I got to say it was a truth day.


Ice Cube – It Was A Good Day

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God

I don’t know but today seems kinda odd

No barking from the dog, no smog

And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog

I got my grub on, but didn’t pig out

Finally got a call from a girl wanna dig out

Hooked it up a later as I hit the do’

Thinking will I live, another twenty-fo’

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top

And if I hit the switch, I can make that ass drop

Had to stop at a red light

Looking in my mirror not a jacker in sight

And everything is alright

I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night

Called up the homies and I’m askin y’all

Which park, are y’all playin basketball?

Get me on the court and I’m trouble

Last week fucked around and got a triple double

Freaking brothers everyway like M.J.

I can’t believe, today was a good day


Drove to the pad and hit the showers

Didn’t even get no static from the cowards

Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me

Saw the police and they rolled right past me

No flexin, didn’t even look in a niggaz direction

As I ran the intersection

Went to Short Dog’s house, they was watchin Yo! MTV Raps

What’s the haps on the craps

Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em

Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em

With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven

Seven even back do’ lil Joe

I picked up the cash flow

Then we played bones, and I’m yellin’ domino

Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A.

Today was a good day


Left my niggaz house paid

Picked up a girl been tryin to fuck since the twelfth grade

It’s ironic, I had the booze she had the chronic

The Lakers beat the Supersonics

I felt on the big fat fanny

Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny

And my dick runs deep

so deep

so deep put her ass to sleep

Woke her up around one

She didn’t hesitate, to call Ice Cube the top gun

Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting

Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion

I was glad everything had worked out

Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out

Today was like one of those fly dreams

Didn’t even see a berry flashing those high beams

No helicopter looking for a murder

Two in the morning got the fat burger

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp

And it read Ice Cube’s a pimp

Drunk as hell but no throwing up

Half way home and my pager still blowing up

Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.

I got to say it was a good day.


I hope I didn’t offend anyone!


The Power Of One Word

Listening to music is great, but there are those instances when people mishear what the artists say. Sometimes the changes are small and insignificant, but other times they can be drastic. I can remember listening to my cousin misquote Snoop Dogg’s Gin and Juice. In his version, Snoop was sending a completely different message to the world. I don’t believe Snoop Dogg ever admitted to “rolling down the street smoking indo, sipping on titty juice!” (We still laugh about this one!)

Changing one simple word can completely alter a message. Most people who choose to enable the autocorrect on their cell phones know exactly what I mean. I would Google some funny autocorrect examples, but I think that dead horse has been beaten to a pulp.

Here are some examples of how changing one word can completely shift the message of a song. I have chosen a famous line from one of the best rappers to ever speak into a microphone, the late Notorious B.I.G.

These words are from the song, Big Poppa.

“How you livin’ Biggie Smalls? In mansions and Benzes. Givin’ ends to my friends and it feels stupendous.”

     The original lyrics are pretty self-explanatory;   Biggie is asked about his lifestyle and he brags and boasts about some of his possessions and the great way he treats his friends.

{Change 1}

“How you livin’ Biggie Smalls? In mansions and TRENCHES. Givin’ ends to my friends and it feels stupendous.”

If Biggie said this, we would have no idea what he was talking about. People would have heard these words and believed that Biggie was some wealthy patriotic World War I buff who lives like a king on most days, but every so often enjoys digging trenches and reenacting his favorite battle scenes.

{Change 2}

“How you livin’ Biggie Smalls? In CADILLACS and Benzes. Givin’ ends to my friends and it feels stupendous.”

In this second example, one would arrive at the conclusion that Biggie was a complete idiot who chose to spend all of his money on fancy cars, only to be forced to live in the vehicles. This would have been tragic, but at least we know he was ensuring that his friends were living comfortable. Thankfully for him, he was not an imbecile.

{Change 3}

“How you livin’ Biggie Smalls? In mansions and Benzes. Givin’ ends to my TENS and it feels stupendous.”  

If this was the change, it would have been clear that Biggie enjoyed being around beautiful women, who in his eyes were at the top of the one to ten scale, but sadly he would have freely confessed that their services were paid for. Biggie would have appeared to be a lonely man looking for love in all the wrong places.

{Change 4}

“How you livin’ Biggie Smalls? In mansions and Benzes. Givin’ ends to my friends and it feels PRETENTIOUS.”

This is my favorite example. We get to see a man who is not without fault, but completely honest. Biggie would have been saying that he indeed had more money than the average person, but he also would be candid enough to admit that his life wasn’t as glamorous as he was making it out to be. There was still a dark side that proved to be more fatal than anyone expected.

{Change 5}

“How you livin’ Biggie Smalls? In mansions and Benzes. Givin’ HEAD to my friends and it feels stupendous.”

This final example is the most extreme modification. If these were the actual lyrics, Biggie would have been the first openly gay commercial rapper. He would have preceded Lady Gaga as the GLBT community’s most beloved artist. Thankfully, we never had to witness the Notorious B.I.G. in skinny jeans!

Can you guess, which object is no longer in existence?

A) The Notorious B.I.G.

B) World Trade 1

C) World Trade 2

D) None of the above

(Please remember to use a number two pencil on the scansion sheet. Your answers can be emailed to asshole@inappropriatequestions.com)

***Remember, words can be chosen freely, but do as that old dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade said; “choose wisely!”***

     Please don’t go changing any of my words!


I Just Don’t Get It

Music is essential to living. The right song can help us get through any difficult time. There have been many musical geniuses over the centuries, but there is one aspect of the songs which boggles my mind. SOME OF THE LYRICS ARE OUTRAGEUOUS!

I can discuss many examples of ridiculous lyrics, but I will only cover five songs. These are all great songs from talented artists, arguably the best of the best. Most people know these lyrics by heart and are guilty of singing along while alone in their cars. (I must say, catching someone going ultimate karaoke while they are driving, is one of life’s guilty pleasures!)

**I remember a great question from my friend Zig. He posted this on his Facebook page, “I don’t know which is funnier, catching someone singing in their car or being caught singing in your car!” I’m not sure which is funnier, but I’d rather be the one watching!**

The first artist who baffled me is Rick “Rozay” Ross, arguably one of the best rappers of our time. He completely boggled my mind in the song I’m Not A Star. I can’t figure out this lyric, “I’m not a star. Somebody lied…”

I just don’t get what he is saying. Is Mr. Ross being humble? Does he truly believe that he is not a star? Is Mr. Ross being sarcastic? Is he quoting the words of a journalist who challenged his celebrity status? Rick Ross further complicates the matter by ending the verse in two completely different ways.

In one example, he says, “I got a pistol in the car!” At first I thought, he clearly isn’t a star; he is a gangster who carries a gun at all times. Mystery solved—or so I thought. I gave the matter some further inspection and I became more confused. Maybe he is saying that he must carry a gun because he is a big star and crazed fans would attack him?

The second way he ended the verse was by saying, “I spent a milli on a car!” That definitely sounds like star behavior.  He is definitely a star, or is he? If you listen to the lyrics, he talks about selling drugs; that’s not what a star does. I am so confused.

FINAL VERDICT: I just don’t get it!

Rick Ross – I’m Not A Star

My next song comes from one of the greatest bands ever, Journey. They have many wonderful hits, but I have chosen to talk about Faithfully. The song opens with, “highway run, into the midnight sun…“

I love the song, but there is one major error that goes undetected by the causal listener. At first, one would think, there is nothing challenging about the words, but take a closer look. Steve Perry clearly misidentifies the large shiny object in the sky. I don’t know what was going on during his youth, but we have a name for that so called “midnight sun.” In fact, it’s a completely different celestial body than our star. It’s called the moon. There is even a wonderful children’s book which would have been extremely helpful book, written by Margaret Wise Brown and illustrated by Clement Hurd.

     How a grown man fails to learn about the moon is a complete mystery to me.

FINAL VERDICT: I just don’t get it!

Journey – Faithfully

The third artist is one of the best singers, Alanis Morissette. Everyone knows the song and everyone knows the lyrics; I’m talking about her timeless hit Ironic. What everyone doesn’t know is that the only irony is the song is the fact that most of her examples are not ironic at all.

“It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid.” What the heck is ironic about that? It’s pretty much the standard operating procedure. You pay, and then the ride is free. Am I missing something here? (I honestly hope I haven’t been skipping out on the second payment!)

“It’s like rain on your wedding day.” That’s not ironic; it’s just a unfortunate for the guests who spent large amounts of money on a new outfit, new shows, and a new hairdo. In fact, rain on a wedding day is considered good luck. I’m not sure if rain is actually good luck; it may be just an old wives tale. (If anyone knows an old wife, please ask her; I would love to know the truth!)

This song is filled with plenty of great examples, but those are my two favorites. How she managed to pull the wool over our eyes is a complete mystery to me.

FINAL VERDICT: I just don’t get it!

Alanis Morissette – Ironic

All anyone has to say is, “You’re beautiful” and James Blunt’s classic song pops into everyone within earshot’s head. The problem I have is the fact people seem to overlook the obvious truth; Mr. blunt is a crazed stalker. He says, “she smiled at me on the subway, she was with another man. But I won’t lose no sleep on that, cause I have a plan.” “She was with another man?” Hello! She’s not interested, jerk! Leave her alone and stop creeping on someone else’s girl. She smiled because she’s a decent person, not because she wants to ruin her relationship. (People always seem to imagine outlandish situations. It’s like the folks with a bunch of haters!)

Later on, Mr. Blunt says, “and I don’t think that I’ll see her again, but we shared a moment that will last till the end” For her sake, I hope you never see her again. If you do see her, there will be a waterfall of tears flowing down her angelic face, due to the restraints and cold and dark homemade basement dungeon in your secluded home. Furthermore, you didn’t share a moment; you created a moment. In fact, you went on to create an entire fictitious life in which this woman would actually put her safety at risk. You need professional help, buddy!

How this crazy stalker is allowed to walk around without registering as a sex offender leaves me in a suspended state of consternation.

FINAL VERDICT: I just don’t get it!

James Blunt – Beautiful

My final artist is Bruno Mars; I love his song Grenade, but what is this guy talking about? “I’ll catch a grenade for ya!” First of all, you don’t catch a grenade; you jump on a grenade. Catching a grenade does nothing but cause fatal injuries to you and the special person you are “catching it” for. It would be the dumbest thing you could ever do in such a situation.

He also says, “shoulda known you was trouble from the first kiss; had your eyes wide open. Why were they open?” There are millions of relationship books and blogs and advice columns, but I’ve never heard this one. I’m not sure how things go on mars, but on earth, a woman having her eyes wide open during a first kiss is not a sign of trouble.  I honestly think it’s a good thing; shows that she is careful about her surroundings. I’m starting to question Mr. Mars’ motives here. Does he want her eyes clothes so he can film the proceedings?

There are other nonsensical examples from my friend Bruno, but these two help to make my point. To the girl who kept her eyes wide open, I say, kudos! To Mr. Mars, I say, you might be a creep!

FINAL VERDICT: I just don’t get it!

Bruno Mars – Grenade

If there are lyrics that you don’t get, write them in the comments section!


Fallon The Blind Dolphin

Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition  The Myth

This is the first children’s story to be approved by the new Lord.

     Fallon was born to regular dolphins. His parents, major and Carol, never achieved the ultimate goal of joining Magma’s Nifty Nine; these were the specially chosen dolphins which led Magma during his Basalt Day gift giving journey. Only the fastest and strongest dolphins were chosen.

Fallon, like most dolphins, believed he would grow up and be one of the chosen ones. His supportive father encouraged his only son. Major taught Fallon that anything was possible, but deep down in his heart, he knew his son had absolutely no chance to be one of the Nifty Nine. Fallon was a special dolphin; he was born blind.

The calf suffered a great deal while growing up. The other baby dolphins teased Fallon on a daily basis. Due to his blindness, the young dolphin had an acute sense of hearing; he never missed any of the nasty comments. Each day, Fallon would return home with a face full of tears. Major was unhappy to see his son having so much trouble, but there was nothing that he could do other than continue to encourage his son.

Major told Fallon that he could become one of the Nifty Nine, as long as he didn’t give up hope. Carol didn’t think it was a good idea to lie to their son; she didn’t want to get his hopes up. Major understood why his wife was against lying, but he also wanted his son to always give a maximum effort.

Fallon was a clumsy dolphin. His lack of vision caused him to swim into everything. Each time he bumped into an object, the other dolphins would laugh and make jokes. In the beginning, Fallon always cried, but he eventually developed a strong sense of self and didn’t let the negative comments bother him. Fallon truly believed that he would prove the other dolphins wrong.

One day, while swimming with a group of his peers in the open ocean, Fallon decided to test his speed. He swam as fast as he could, and when fatigue began to set in, he stopped. Fallon asked if he was as fast as the other dolphins, but no one responded; Fallon found himself alone in the middle of the ocean.

The other dolphins saw Luna, a large orca. The calves were always taught to swim away if they ever saw the evil orca, but Fallon was the only one who couldn’t see. Eventually, Luna swam up to Fallon and asked if he was ok. Fallon found Luna to be extremely friendly and answered, yes. It turned out that the dolphins had nothing to fear; Luna was a friendly orca.

Fallon and Luna became great friends. In fact, it was Luna who taught Fallon to use his sonar to guide him. The two best friends practiced every day until Fallon developed the ability to sense everything that surrounded him. Fallon gained the ability to swim at fast speeds without having to worry about bumping into anything. Thanks to the help of his new best friend, Fallon became the fastest calf in the ocean.

The other children thought Fallon was extremely brave because he was the only dolphin who wasn’t afraid of Luna. The other calves cowered near their parents, while Major proudly watched Fallon swim with Luna. Each day, Fallon perfected his other senses to the point that his vision was no longer a hindrance.

It was the week before Basalt Day, and the Nifty Nine practiced for their special journey. Risso, the eldest and leader of the pod, planned on retiring; this would be his last trip. Risso recruited the best dolphins to practice with the Nifty Nine. He would watch them swim and choose a successor. Fallon asked Risso if he could practice with the group, but he was laughed at.

Major told his son that there would be other chances and to keep his head up. Fallon was determined to prove that he had the skills to join the team, and secretly followed the pod. Fallon could sense the challenging movements, from a distance, as the prospects practice under the watchful eye of Risso. Fallon could feel the maneuvers, and he practiced each drill.

Suddenly, there was a large eruption. The Lord gave magma complete control over the earth’s volcanoes, but our hero didn’t fully understand the responsibility and power which he possessed. Magma wanted to test his capabilities and caused an undersea volcano to erupt. He assumed the area was uninhabited, but the eruption happened in the exact location where the pod was practicing.

Volcanic ash filled the ocean, causing the dolphins to lose their ability to see. Unable to gain their bearings, the dolphins found themselves trapped; the pod was able to stay together due to their ropes, but they did not have the ability to escape the disaster. Risso prayed to the Lord and asked him to save the Nifty Nine as well as the prospects, but it seemed as if the group was doomed.

Fallon heard the cries and rushed to the group’s rescue; he called out and Risso answered. Fallon grabbed the rope and promised to lead the terrified dolphins to safety. Fallon used his super sonar abilities to steer clear of the ash. The young dolphin’s speed and power had never been felt before. The group followed his lead, but they remained frightful. Ten minutes later, Fallon stopped swimming and the other dolphins finally opened their eyes. They couldn’t believe it, Fallon saved their lives.

Risso, along with the other dolphins, thanked the young hero and promised to speak to Magma about the talented Fallon. The following day, the Nifty Nine gathered in front of Magma, who asked about the status of the prospects. Risso told the story of Fallon’s heroics and Magma was amazed. He asked each member if Fallon should be Risso’s replacement. Hector, Dusky, Common, Clymene, Spinner, Ganges, Indus, and Striper all answered, affirmatively.

The decision was unanimous and Risso agreed to retire a year early. Magma couldn’t wait to watch the young dolphin lead the special pod. Fallon became the best of the Nifty Nine and he gained the respect of every dolphin in the sea. He also taught the dolphins that Luna was a nice orca; there was nothing to fear. From that day forward, the dolphins learned never to judge anyone before giving them a chance.


Children’s song about Fallon: (Complete rip off of the Rudolph song!)

 Fallon the blinded dolphin

Couldn’t see a thing at all,

He bumped into all the objects,

Like he was a bouncing ball.


All of the other dolphins

 Used to laugh and call him names;

 They never let poor Fallon

Join in any dolphin games.


Then before one Basalt Day trip,

The Nifty Nine were trapped,

Fallon used his sonar skills,

And led them through the ash


Then how the dolphins loved him

As they shouted out with glee,

Fallon the blinded dolphin,

You’ll go down in history. 

More stories coming soon! Who knows, maybe I’ll even create more songs!

**Children will forget about Rudolph!**


The Revelation

The Greatest Rapper Ever Is Not Dead

Mention the phrase “Greatest Rapper Ever” and witness the intensity with which people will voice their opinions. Music touches the lives of listeners on a level that is immeasurable. Growing up in the 80’s, I can’t remember a Michael Jackson concert that didn’t involve fans fainting. I even have pictures of myself in a red, leather M.J. jacket. (No, pictures will not be posted on Facebook. At least not today!)

I am the first to jump in and voice my opinion on the matter. There have been many heated arguments over who is the best of all-time. And I mean heated, bad heat, Miami Heat! You would think the winner was debating with the hopes of taking home some unbelievable grand prize. In fact, if I didn’t know my friends well enough, I would have feared for my safety. (By the way, there is no other way to argue about who is the greatest rapper of all-time. You just can’t have a civil discussion on the matter. Also, there should always be liquor involved!!!) The reason people argue with such fervor, is based on the passion that music produces. Rap fans support their favorite artists with the same zeal as the crazed followers of European soccer clubs. (Well, except for all the violence!)

My favorite story concerning this topic happened in Miami. I was visiting my cousin Emanuel, whose favorite rapper will be purposely omitted from this post. This may come as a surprise, but we were sitting at an outdoor bar along with his friend “St. Francis of Assisi.” St. Francis, as he likes to be called, innocently asked Ema, “Who are your top five rappers of all-time?” The response was a list of five usual suspects, Keyser Soze, and the gang. (If you haven’t watched the movie, where did you grow up?)

St. Francis didn’t hesitate to jump into his top five:

“Number one is Jay-Z.”

“Number two is Biggie.”

“Then, Dylan Dylan Dylan!!! That boy spits hot fire!!!” *Dylan fake accent*

That Saint Francis is a funny guy. Great trip! Although, we did end up eating at the worst Hooters in the world. This is an argument that cannot be challenged. I am ready to state a fact: “The Hooters in Coconut Grove, FL is the worst in the world; it is the quintessence of suck!” In the Greek sense, here is my Apology. (I would explain for those who don’t understand, but I’d much rather you take the initiative and educate yourselves!)

1)      There were males on the wait staff. I could understand if these men were surgically enhanced transsexuals, hired to confuse young college students, but they were guys. And they had orange Hooters t-shirts on. What the Fuck!!! [Let me take this time to state another fact: I am not into transsexuals. I said “I could understand;” they have Hooters! It makes sense.] (A guy working as a waiter at Hooters is the very antithesis of what the food chain is all about.) We walked in. “What’s going on fellas!” Nothings fucking going on! This is fucking Hooters and you’re a fucking guy!! What the fuck do you think is fucking going on!!!

2)      Our waitress, a beautiful and top-heavy young damsel, seemed perfect for the position when we noticed her approaching from the other side of the restaurant…UNTIL! We saw her stomach; SHE WAS PREGNANT! What the fuck kind of Twilight Zone Hooter’s is this fucking place?

3)      The second waitress, who brought over our drinks, was, how do I put this delicately? Of course! She was a few cups short of a beer pong game. And to top it off, she was old. “Is this a fucking TV show? Are we being Punk’d?

We were actually the first group of guys who went to Hooters for the wings!!!

[Please forgive the tangent!]

Obviously, the title of this post gives away the fact that I don’t believe Biggie, Pimp C, or Tupac can lay claim to the desired title. No, the title holder is not dead. (To be absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent clear, I mention Pimp C in jest!)

The arguments end today!!!

Who is the greatest rapper of all-time? 50 Cent? Bun B? Rick Ross? Jay-Z? Snoop? Lil’ Wayne? Kool G Rap? Big Daddy Kane? Scarface? Eightball? Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em? (C’mon son!!! We can all agree it’s not Soulja Boy. Although he does make hits; you can’t argue that fact.)

What every rap “connoisseur” is in fact wasting his or her time arguing, is not “who is the greatest rapper of all-time,” but “who is my favorite rapper of all time.”

There can be no greatest rapper of all-time. There is no criteria! What would you base the argument on?

Most records sold? NO!

Most metaphors per sixteen bars? No!

Most consecutive Rhymes? No!

Best free-stylist? NO!

Best battle rapper? No! (I could go on but that would just be ridiculous!)

You will be hard pressed to convince a young man from Oakland that E-40, or Too Short is not the greatest Rapper of all-time. Try persuading a fan from Long Beach that Snoop is not the best ever. You would be the greatest debater of all-time, if you could convince me that a member of the original Cash Money Records isn’t the greatest. (Any time I mention Cash Money, I am strictly speaking of the classic albums, not the Drakes and Nicky Minajs of the label. I’m not saying those artists aren’t talented; I just like what I like!)

No, LL Cool J, self proclaiming yourself the best ever by titling your album G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time) doesn’t make it true. By the way, I believe Canibus out-battled you. His ‘2nd Round Knockout’ was better than your ‘Can-I-Bus.’ Any true rap fan understood that your label helped to promote your “victory” through bias articles in the major industry magazines. LL Cool J, the greatest of all time? C’mon! I mean some of the hits are good; I always enjoyed ‘Going Back To Cali,’ but Canibus was correct “ninety-nine percent of your fans wear high heals!” I’d much rather have unprotected sex with a lesion-covered prostitute, in a dirty motel, in a third world country, and ejaculate inside of her, then listen to Mr. Cool J’s songs all day. (I apologize for the graphic description, but I really want to make my preference clear.) In the words of, arguably, the greatest freestyle rapper of all-time, “Causing problems bringing drama regardless, I get my point across like a trapeze artist without falling” – Canibus.

Quarrelling vociferously over opinion can be fine, but people must be careful to understand what they are disputing. Stop attempting to figure out who is the best rapper of all-time and enjoy the music; that’s why the artists create hits. Isn’t it ironic that most of the arguments end the way they all should have started in the first place, “Well, to me ‘Johnnie Rapper’ is the best!”

For Pete’s sake, (FYI: I’m the Pete in that phrase!!!) the greatest rapper may as well be “god.” Not because he has the sickest verses in the bible, (which he does!) but simply for the fact that he too doesn’t exist!!!

That being said, Lil’ Wayne is the GREATEST OF ALL-TIME!!! Not only has he been making hits since 1995 on B.G.’s album ‘True Story,’ but he continues to dominate and produce classics!!!

I challenge anyone to find better lyrics then his verse on Tha Carter’s  BM J.R.:

*****This has nothing to do with the topic, at all, but Real Time with Bill Maher is currently on television so I’ll share. When discussing Harry Potter’s last installment, he said, “I don’t believe this is the last book; we all know what’s coming next…’Harry Potter and the crippling student loan!’*****

You probably won’t do the song justice so play the actual track while reading!

[Verse 1 - Lil Wayne]
Murder capital, only key to survive is kill
If the elements don’t murder you the riders will fo real
And niggas know I goes hard to the fullest
Get involved and I got’ em’ playing dodge ball with bullets
I got the sawed off fully, in the sean john hoody
Get fucked ya play pussy
We hit em’ up when they ain’t looking and them body shots hurt
But the head shots took him
And if the red dot spot him then the hollow head got him
Knock his top to his bottom jack
You see me grind from the bottom just to make it to the bottom
At the very bottom of the map
Lil-weezy-ana piranhas everywhere you at
You gotta weigh an extra condom and an extra gat
You’re bitch could get it for acting like a man
and niggaz in Pakistan ain’t packin’ like ya man
I back his hand ya man on command
In front of niggaz he cool with the boys on fam
I’m on hot, I adjust in different climates, ducking the animal keep on running wit
my primates
You ain’t did it till you done it like in 5 states,
Weezy hustle no blubber I put on weight
And in a drought I go on I diet and stretch more
Loose all that weight, leave a nigga with stretch marks
You don’t even come up to a nigga chest, paws up,
Pa, what the fuck they play it in the club for ?
Real shit I’m ducking bombs from a drug war,
no religion but the cops swear that I’m a drug lord
Father forgive em’ for they no not who they pushing lord
Father forgive me if I have to send them to ya lord
I’m just trying to dodge the shots they send to the guard
They riding up highway to heaven boulevard
Damn, them niggaz pussy and jive, not even in an eye exam they ain’t looking for “I”
The A and the K will make ya face cook to the side
Now when you smiling everybody gotta look from the side
Cause when you wilding you ain’t looking, you just looking high
and when we hungry you look like pie
Sweet potato ass nigga, you lemon meringue, apple custard, cherry jelly
Don’t make me get the biscuit buster
What up gizzle you my distant brother
Real shit nigga same father different mother, yep
I skip the fronting and sticks to keeping it trill
You not know me for nothing other
I’m something other than people you feel,
I’m deeper for real
I’m deeper than skills, my speakers can kill
Rest in peace

[Verse 2 - Lil Wayne]
Ay, ay
You sleep in a field for trying the dude
I bust ya head until the meat turns ya mind to food
Food for thought, think I ain’t lying to you
I lie his body in grease set fire to him
I tie his body in sheets, put the tires to him
Make him feel the escalade, put his feet in the blade
I’m near heating and blaze a nigga keep they ways when I’m in the streets with blades
Watch, my nigga hungry, he’ll eat the plate
And if I ask, the homeboy will eat’cha face
And though he got me, you can ask, I’m like a pool table
I keep the eight
My side pocket sideways when I pop it leave a nigga sideways for five days
Birdman talk to em’

[Verse 3 - Lil Wayne]
Ay, ay,
Check my swag, I travel like sound dog
You play hard in the gravel like ground dog
I’m underground call me groundhog
Lay down laws call me ground law
Don’t confuse me with the law, naw but just confuse me with my pa
Because I am the Birdman J-R
I ain’t tripping nigga, I play the corner like ripkin nigga
With the 40 cal ripkin nigga, rip a nigga
Flip ya vehicle, split ya windshield
Whack ya Baby momma but I let the kid live
And people say that I am a kid still, cause the lil nigga still rides on them big wheels
You feeling animal then come on and get killed
And sig pill bandannas like bananas
Say I’m slight bananas I blow a weekend in Havana
In my cabana with my bottom bitch from savanna
Man a train couldn’t stop ya man
I man up and you not a man
I stand up, say I got my land
I’m the man of my land
Call it lil-weezy-ana
Thats the new plan