Baggin Up – Episode 11

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INT. Philip’s Apartment

Philip invited the guys over so they can meet Kimberly. Although Philip wanted to pick up his fiance from the airport, she will arrive by taxi because she wants to freshen up in order to make a great first impression.Simon is the first to arrive.

SIMON

You’re not going to believe what I fount out.

PHILIP

What?

SIMON

I honestly don’t know what to do; it’s about Judas.

PHILIP

What did he do now?

SIMON

Let’s wait until Bart gets here so he can hear it too.

PHILIP

Wow! This sounds pretty serious.

SIMON

It’s CRAZY!

The bell rings. Philip opens the door to find Bartholomew and Judas standing outside.

PHILIP

Thanks for coming, guys; this means a lot to me.

JUDAS

There is no way we would miss this.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s good, Phil! What’s that smell?

PHILIP

French Vanilla; it’s a scented candle.

BARTHOLOMEW

Not that smell. It’s something else.

Bartholomew walks around the apartment; mimicking a police German Shepherd.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got it!

SIMON

I’ve been here for a few minutes and I didn’t smell anything.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the stench of virginity!

The guys laugh and Judas closes the bedroom door.

JUDAS

It was coming from there!

Simon’s happy demeanor changes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Of course! The Master…bation room!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s crazy; you can actually sense the absence of vagina!

PHILIP

That’s great; just get out all the jokes before Kim gets here.

JUDAS

You know we have a lot of questions for her.

Philip shakes his head.

PHILIP

I don’t know what I was thinking.

BARTHOLOMEW

What time are you going to Logan Airport?

PHILIP

She already landed; Kim wants to head to the hotel so she can freshen up; she insisted on taking a cab.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you insane? You have to go meet her. Don’t you watch romantic movies?

JUDAS

Hotel? Why the hell is she staying in a hotel?

PHILIP

Because she doesn’t have an apartment yet.

JUDAS

Why doesn’t she just live with you?

PHILIP

Because we’re not married, yet!

JUDAS

The more details you reveal, the sadder I become. But Bart is right; you should have met her at the airport. Even Simon knows that!

Simon turns his head as if he didn’t hear the comment.

PHILIP

What are you guys talking about? She said she wanted to take a cab.

BARTHOLOMEW

Obviously she’s going to say that. You’re an idiot!

PHILIP

Damn! You might be right. I think I messed this one up. I’ll be right back!

BARTHOLOMEW

Where are you going? I thought you said she landed.

PHILIP

The least I can do is give her a ride from the hotel.

Philip grabs his car keys and rushes out of the apartment.

JUDAS

I can’t believe she is staying in a hotel.

BARTHOLOMEW

What do you expect; he’s waiting for marriage before having sex.

JUDAS

Sad!

BARTHOLOMEW

In a way, it’s refreshing. Today’s women are of a different breed; they are literally, for the day. It’s nice to see an old fashion relationship.

JUDAS

Phil is a virgin; we have no idea what this Kim chick has been doing!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s true!

The front door opens.

PHILIP

I was too late!

A beautiful woman enters.

PHILIP

Everyone, I’d like to introduce my fiance, Kim.

KIM

Hello.

BARTHOLOMEW

Welcome to the family; I’m Bart.

KIM

I hope you guys approve of me.

JUDAS

Of course we approve. I’m Judas, the best man! We’re just happy you’re not made of plastic!

Everyone laughs except for Simon.

KIM

Phil is the best man!

JUDAS

We’ll let your bridesmaids make that determination!

PHILIP

You have to forgive Judas; he doesn’t have a filter.

KIM

That’s ok. So, I’m guessing you’re Simon.

SIMON

Guilty as charged.

KIM

You must be the quiet one.

PHILIP

There is no quiet one; they’re all assholes!

SIMON

You’ll have to excuse me; I had a revealing conversation with a friend of mine so I’m not my usual charming self.

JUDAS

That chick finally told you that she is infatuated with me?

SIMON

I have to take a piss.

Simon gets up and walks to the bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

Whatever she said, it must have been traumatic.

JUDAS

I hope she’s not pregnant.

PHILIP

Na, I definitely don’t think it’s that; we should just give him his space.

KIM

I hope I’m not interrupting something important.

JUDAS

You’re the something important. I can’t wait to get to know you and learn all about this secret relationship.

KIM

I have to get to know you guys as well.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m sure Phil gave you all the dirt on us.

KIM

No; we agreed that I should get to know his friends, in person.

Simon returns from the bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You good?

SIMON

Yeah, I’m fine.

JUDAS

Is this about that chick from the bar?

SIMON

I don’t want to talk about it.

JUDAS

If she is begging for some Judas action, let her know that I am down.

SIMON

Sure you are!

PHILIP

Anyone want beers?

BARTHOLOMEW

Keep them coming!

KIM

I’ll help you.

INT. PHILIP’S KITCHEN

Philip leads the way to retrieve the drinks.

KIM

They seem like a fun bunch.

PHILIP

Yeah, we’re basically a family. Something must be really bothering Simon; he usually has a great personality.

KIM

Do you think it has anything to do with me?

PHILIP

No! We talked before the other guys got here; it has something to do with Judas.

KIM

He’s the gay one; right?

Philip laughs.

PHILIP

NO! He’s actually a player.

KIM

Wow! I definitely misjudged him.

PHILIP

Yeah; the guy banged more chicks than Hugh Hefner!

KIM

That’s disgusting!

PHILIP

I agree; not a day goes by without me letting him know that fact. Why did you think he was gay?

KIM

I don’t know. I guess I thought he was trying to overcompensate by talking about “banging chicks!”

PHILIP

Unfortunately, that’s what he does!

KIM

I don’t know how people can live that type of lifestyle.

PHILIP

Me neither!

The couple returns with the beers.

KIM

Here you go; nice and cold!

SIMON

Thanks.

JUDAS

So Kim, now that you are a part of the family, there are some questions that we need answered.

KIM

Ask and I shall answer.

PHILIP

Hold on, Judas. Before you interrogate her, I have to share this. Kim thought you were gay!

The guys laugh. Simon laughs especially loud.

SIMON

That sounds about right!

KIM

I’m sorry; I hope you’re not offended.

JUDAS

Of course not! The most important question of all is not whether or not I am gay; what we all want to know is, did Phil hit it?

Philip spits out his beer.

PHILIP

What’s wrong with you?

KIM

It’s ok Phil; he can ask whatever he wants. That’s not really any of your business, so I plead the 5th.

JUDAS

I’ll take that as a big fat NO!

Philip shakes his head.

JUDAS

We know that Phil is saving himself for marriage; did you bang any dudes while living in the Philippines?

SIMON

You’re being a real dick!

JUDAS

I’m just having fun.

SIMON

You’re the only one who thinks your questions are entertaining. The rest of us feel sorry for you.

JUDAS

I didn’t know you spoke for everyone; don’t try to bring the rest of us down because you’re having some personal problems.

PHILIP

I agree with Simon; your questions are crossing the line.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, chill!

JUDAS

Great job, Simon; now I’m the bad guy.

KIM

No one called you a bad guy.

SIMON

Yeah. You’re not a bad guy; you’re an ASS!

JUDAS

Why are you trying to push my buttons?

SIMON

I’m just telling it like it is.

JUDAS

Fine. That’s a great idea; let’s all tell it like it is. You’re pissed because Leslie is sick and tired of all the cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s enough; this isn’t the time.

JUDAS

Kim’s family now. We can’t keep secrets from her.

PHILIP

Why are you acting like a jerk?

JUDAS

He’s the one who showed up with a bad attitude.

SIMON

What are you going to do about it, COWARD!

JUDAS

How is Mr. soft-served going to call me a coward. That’s like Phil calling me a virgin.

BARTHOLOMEW

Kim, I’m sorry you had to witness this; I think it’s time for everyone to leave.

JUDAS

Yeah, sorry Kim; I don’t know what got into Simon, today.

SIMON

Why don’t you just shut your big mouth?

JUDAS

Why don’t you shut it for me?

SIMON

I just might!

JUDAS

I’d LOVE to see that!

Simon loses control of his emotions and punches Judas in the jaw. Judas hits the ground, but quickly jumps to his feet. The friends exchange punches before Judas tackles Simon to the ground. Kim watches in horror as Bartholomew and Philip separate the brawlers.

JUDAS

Let me go so I can beat his ass!

SIMON

How’s your jaw, coward?

JUDAS

That was a sucker punch, Mayweather!

Bartholomew pushes Judas outside of the apartment.

EXT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

Bartholomew walks Judas, whose anger dissipates, to his car.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell was that all about?

JUDAS

I don’t even know!

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t believe that just happened. Kim must think we’re a bunch of gangbangers.

JUDAS

I’m sorry, man. I honestly don’t know what just happened. I was just trying to mess with him; I didn’t think he would get physical.

BARTHOLOMEW

Go home and we’ll figure this out.

JUDAS

I think we should go back and talk things out.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s a bad idea. Once we figure out what is bothering Simon, we’ll be able to resolve this matter. For now, just go home.

JUDAS

Damn! I can’t believe I just fought Simon!

BARTHOLOMEW

This is crazy! I’ll call you later.

JUDAS

OK! Don’t worry; everything will be alright.

BARTHOLOMEW

I know!

Judas drives away and Batholomew returns to the apartment.

INT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

BARTHOLOMEW

What just happened, Simon?

SIMON

I just snapped.

BARTHOLOMEW

I have no idea what is bothering you, but you can’t take it out on your friends.

KIM

Does this have anything to do with my arrival?

SIMON

No! I am happy for Phil; I just have something on my mind. I can’t figure out how to deal with it.

PHILIP

Earlier, I was cool with allowing you to keep quiet, but you have to let us know what is going on! Keeping things bottled up is unhealthy.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, if you can’t talk to us, who can you turn to?

KIM

Maybe I should leave.

SIMON

No, you don’t have to go. You guys remember the woman from the bar, right?

PHILIP

Yeah!

BARTHOLOMEW

She left with Judas’ friend Dan, that night.

SIMON

Yeah! She called me a few days ago and dropped a bomb on me. We completely had the story wrong.

PHILIP

What do you mean?

SIMON

Dan never bagged her that night. He was the gay friend that she was meeting.

BARTHOLOMEW

Get out of here; Judas said Dan was a ladies’ man.

SIMON

The reason she wanted to talk to me, was to let me know what Dan told her. Apparently, Dan and Judas are gay lovers.

PHILIP

What? Judas bangs more women than anyone.

KIM

So he was overcompensating.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t believe it! What did Judas say?

SIMON

I don’t know how to bring it up.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell!

No one says a word for several minutes.

                                     [Season One Is A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

SEASON 2 COMING SOON!!!

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Unconventional Endings

I’ll save my review of Lee Strobel’s book for next week. (Who knows? Maybe I’ll become a believer!)

     Sometimes, I get weird thoughts which give me endless hours of enjoyment. A few days ago, I came up with a concept for different scenarios which I thought would be funny, or just plain horrible. In each of these instances, I will write what I think would happen if there was an afterlife. There is one catch. Each person who dies, must remain in whatever state they were buried, and the spirit which remains has absolutely no powers. (No, people who are cremated will not feel pain during the cremation process! Once someone is dead, they are incapable of feeling any physical pain.)

After the description, I will write what each person says. Due to the fact that no one actually knows what happens once people die, these might actually be real occurrences. At the end, I will write my burial ritual request. (You might want to plan your funeral accordingly!)

Case 1:

This case involves a militant Islamic fellow whose life mission was to become a martyr. His motivation was to serve his “god.” (I’m not a betting man, but I’m sure the 72 virgins also factored into the decision making process!)

Martyr: “Wow! That was a loud explosion. Where the hell am I? Am I dead? I guess I know where Mecca is by the direction my head is facing, but what good does that do me; I am stuck in this coffin and can’t see a thing. Isn’t this a bitch? Where the HELL is Allah and all my freaking virgins? This can’t be it; this has to be some kind of joke.”

Ten years later.

Martyr: “Damn, I think this is it. What a waste of life. I wish I could go back and apologize to all the innocent people who I killed. Oh well!”

Case 2:

I will now discuss the death of a virgin. She really paid attention in Sunday school when the nun was discussing the church’s policy of no sex before marriage. She never found true love, therefore, never had any sexual experiences. (Not even a blowie!)

Virgin: “Where are you ‘god?’ I am ready to be with you for all eternity. Hello! Is anyone there? Why can’t I see anything? Where the HELL is everyone? If I spent my entire life being chaste, and I don’t get any reward, I am going to kill someone. Wait, I can’t kill anyone, I’m stuck in a freaking coffin for the rest of eternity. Why didn’t I just listen to the little voice inside my head and have sex? I’m a freaking idiot!”

Ten years later.

Virgin: “Why didn’t I just have sex? I’m such an idiot!”

Case 3:

In a tragic accident, a thrill seeker jumped out of a plane with a parachute that malfunctioned. His lawyer advised the daredevil to write out his will a year prior to the jump. His only request was to have his body cremated and his ashes scattered over the Grand Canyon. (He died doing something he loved!)

Skydiver: “I can’t believe I get to spend an eternity in the Grand Canyon; too bad for all those religious people who are stuck in a box in the ground. I guess I didn’t end up in HELL! This place is amazing. Thank goodness I didn’t ask to be buried in a cemetery. I can’t believe I can fly! Did someone say something? Hello!”

Spirit: “Hello.”

Skydiver: “Who are you?”

Spirit: “My name is Running Cloud. My entire family was massacred by the American government soldiers. Our bodies were thrown over the cliff and we’ve been living in this beautiful canyon ever since.”

Skydiver: “What happened to your family was horrible, but at least you will spend the rest of eternity in this wonderful place.”

Running Cloud: “Come with me. I will introduce you to the others.”

Ten years later.

Skydiver: “When I was alive and I pictures Heaven, I never could have imagined this. Thank goodness there aren’t any boring people singing hymns or any ‘god’ to tell me what to do.”

Case 4:

The matriarch of a large family died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 96. She lived with her eldest son, but her final wish was to have her body cremated and for her ashes to be placed in an urn over the mantle of her beach house on Martha’s Vineyard. The entire family made the trip down from Boston to witness the placement of “Nana’s” final resting place. (She loved her family above anything else!)

Nana: “Hello! Can anyone hear me? I know all of you are out there. Bill, let me out of this urn; it’s HELL in here. HELLO! Please, somebody help me. I can’t believe they can’t hear me. I guess it’s not that bad; I’ll get to listen to my family members enjoy their time in this beautiful house.”

Ten years later.

Nana: “Help! I know you can hear me. Hey Tommy, throw your baseball over here and knock over this urn. C’mon; do it for your Nana!”

Case 5:

A sailor loved the ocean and hoped to one day navigate sail across the Atlantic, from the United States to his native country, England. Everyone told him he couldn’t make it, but he was determined. Along the voyage, he encountered rough seas which overturned his boat. He was a strong swimmer, but the waves proved too challenging and he eventually drowned.

Sailor: “It’s finally over; I can’t believe I survived. Wait a second, where the HELL am I? Is that the Titanic? Oh my goodness; I’m under the ocean. This is amazing; I get to spend the rest of eternity swimming in the ocean and living amongst the fish! I’ll never get tired of this! How lucky am I?”

Spirit: “Hello, my name is Captain Edward john Smith; I was the Captain of the Titanic. Allow me to welcome you to our underwater adventure land. I’ll introduce you to some of the girls; they’ll be happy to show you around.”

Sailor: “I think I’m going to like it here!”

Ten years later.

Sailor: “There is still so much more to SEA!”

You get the picture; there is a possibility that billions of people are stuck underground in their coffins. I am not going out like that! I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered inside Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Obviously, this will have to be a secret mission for the family member who loves me the most! I can think of nothing better than watching the Gators play every single home game for an eternity! Anything else, would probably be HELL! (Just in case, I plan on leaving behind a million dollars to any hot woman, who agrees to have her body cremated so her ashes can be scattered inside the Swamp, as well! It might get lonely in there!)

For my thoughts on death, read the previous post: Where Are All The Dead People.

@PeteTeix617

Not Hood Enough

Although I grew up in the inner city, I can now look back on my life and admit that I didn’t get the full experience. There were many wonderful opportunities to fit into a stereotype which I missed out on; here is a list of the reasons I believe I am “not hood enough!”

Each example will be given a value. At the end, add up your total and post your score on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments section! Any score above 100 will be considered hood enough! Congrats to those who are deemed worthy! (Good Luck!)

I MISSED OUT ON…

A …Waking up early in the morning, walking towards the LQ spot with my mom and watching her buy a bottle of malt liquor before dropping me off at school. (25 points)

B …Smoking marijuana. (10 points)

C …Visiting my dad in prison, or at least writing him letters. (25 points)

D …Forbidding my child from watching Barney and Friends because it’s corny. (10 points)

E …Having a baby in my teens. (10 points)

F …Getting my own EBT card. (25 points)

G …Walking around in the latest fashion, and then having to bum a dollar because I don’t have any money. *I chose bum and not borrow for a reason!* (25 points)

H …Slipping-up, impregnating a girl, only seeing my child when it is convenient for me, and then blaming my “crazy BM” for my inability to be responsible! (25 points)

I …Stealing from local businesses and having my mom be proud of me. (25 points)

J …Not trying my best in school, and then blaming “the man” for keeping me down when my life sucks. (25 points)

K …Having a grandmother who smokes marijuana with me. (25 points)

L …Asking my mom for a bag of chips and having her yell at me, “didn’t I tell your ass that I wasn’t buying you shit?” (25 points)

M …Being able to sing along to explicit rap lyrics and having the adults in my life become filled with joy because they think it’s cute. *Why couldn’t my parents have been cool?* (25 points)

N …Having no sense of reality and believing that I beat the system because I get free food and public housing. (25 points)

O …Hating others who are successful because they decided to work hard, and then realizing that my plans to retire as a drug lord probably won’t come to fruition. (25 points)

P …Giving my mom money so she can buy me some blunts and beer, because I am not old enough.  (25 points)

Q …Hating police officers because I am breaking the law and they are doing their jobs. I would have loved to say, “don’t they have anything better to do!” (25 points)

R …Joining a gang and shooting up my rivals. (25 points)

S …Listening to rap music and structuring my life after what the artists suggest. (25 points)

T …Being forty and living like a teenager. (I still can make this one a reality!) *Fingers Crossed* (25 points)

U …Being fired from every single job because, although I am always late, my boss has an attitude problem. (25 points)

V …Borrowing a large amount of money and saying, “I’ll pay you back when I get my tax return!” *Knowing I plan on buying a flat screen with my tax money* (25 points)

W …Complaining that my father was never in my life, and then producing offspring and not being in their lives. (25 points)

X …Being unemployed, and LOVING IT! *Working is for suckers!* (25 points)

Y …Being arrested so many times that the prison feels like a second home to me. And having the guards hook up the “crispest” jump suits! (25 points)

Z …Being a guest on Maury in order to determine if the four mothers are telling the truth about me having seven children. (25 points+ 15 extra points for minutes of fame!)

Obviously, I can’t include all of the characteristics which encompass being “hood enough,” but if the reason for me ending the list at “Z” is not clear to you, you have earned yourself some bonus points, my friend! (100 points)

If you did not qualify to be “hood enough,” don’t worry; you can always raise your child to be hood enough! Being the cool parent is better than being a square!

With a tallied score of zero, I am clearly not “hood enough!” If I had a chance to go back and do it all over again, I would keep it real!

@PeteTeix617

Is Pimping Wrong

Studying history will help us to understand the world we live in. There have been many evil people who walked the earth, but the pimp is the worst form of human life known to man.

Sadly, there are some “prostitutes” who follow a pimp simply because it is what they were taught to do. The pimp doesn’t even have to convince the youngsters to join his flock, and once the victim is introduced into the pimps world, it becomes difficult to escape. The game is changing more than ever. Males have also decided to sell their souls in order to provide for the pimps; it’s quite insane. I am talking about “straight” men who work for pimps. How the hell does that happen?

Watching the prostitutes stroll into the pimp’s palace and give him their hard earned money is always difficult for me. I do my best to try and turn a blind-eye, but I am realistic enough to know what the ways of a pimp. It’s the sadness felt by a Jewish kid who is sitting on the front stoop, playing with a top while peering into the neighbor’s massive front window and watching little Christian Ricky opening his wonderful gifts as he sits under the shadow of the large Christmas tree.

In previous posts, I joked about wanting to be a pimp, but I just don’t have the heart to do it. I think I would be extremely successful because the game is pretty simple. First, you find a young person who is impressionable and you persuade him or her to do as you command; the key is to sell them the idea of a prosperous future. I come across these feeble minded young citizens of the world on a daily basis and I always feel like the anti-Tin Man; I think to myself, “If I only (didn’t have) a heart,” I could make millions. (Mentioning the Wizard of Oz reminds me of the rumor of the hanging munchkin; who knows if it is true? YouTube it!)

Preying on the young will ensure that the pimp’s empire will continue to thrive; the young ones with father issues are a pimp’s golden ticket. The pimp will also use the elder and more seasoned prostitutes to show the newcomers the ropes. The guidance of a veteran is the best way to ensure that a novice will remain loyal. They say, “pimpin’ ain’t easy, and they are not lying.” (The competition for Johns is a fierce one!)

A pimp spends a great deal of time preparing a new prostitute to be a successful earner, but there is no honor among these “gentlemen.” Pimps wear distinctive clothing because they want to be identifiable to other “prostitutes,” and the best new additions for any pimp are those who are well versed in the game. Pimps desperately attempt to increase their stable by depleting the number of a competitor’s flock. (The pimps call this swap, “checking a ho!”)

Pimps are the scum of the earth! This is not my opinion; it is a known fact. No offense to anyone who has a pimp for a father. I’m sure he is a great guy once you get to know him. Plus, there are those in his “flock“ who deserve to be “corrected” every so often when they step out of line, if you get my drift. I have no problem with anyone who chooses to give away their souls by joining such a “business;” people are free to choose their own destinies. To me, the “prostitutes” are not to blame; they simply don’t know any better. (I place the word prostitute in quotations because I don’t like the title. I prefer to call those who seek a pimp’s instruction, the misguided!)

Pimps are the lowest humans on the totem pole. They lack the ability to care for others and only worry about themselves. They provide absolutely nothing for the many hard workers who have been brainwashed by their game, and only promise future happiness. It is truly sad to watch a misguided person suffer through unimaginable pains, with the unrealistic goal of things getting better at a later date. I’ve heard about the wonderful super hero who flies around the world saving all the prostitutes who are under the spell of pimps. When is Captain Save-A-Ho going to make his way to Boston? (We need him desperately!)

I once spoke to a former misguided prostitute. She admitted that she was brainwashed by the persuasive pimp. She actually believed the pimp cared for her and loved her. No matter how many times she was abused she continued to work for the pimp. In fact, she worked harder the more she suffered.  She believed every word her pimp spoke, regardless of how ridiculous he sounded. She worked her ass off to provide him with a better life, but she had nothing to show for her loyalty. Luckily for her, she had a sobering moment and removed herself from the horrible situation. I was filled with joy to hear her survival story, but those who remained under the pimp’s spell hated her for turning her back on their master!

Pimps basically capture the misguided. Even though the victims know they are free to leave, they remain; I think it has something to do with the Stockholm Syndrome. A pimp always talks about love, but they don’t understand what the word means. You would think the misguided prostitute will eventually figure out that she is not welcome in the house of the pimp unless money is collected. The sad part is the competition that exists between the misguided. Those who fail to “keep up with the payments,” will be chastised by the group. It’s bad enough the pimp will feels the need to punish the “slacker,” but the others should try to support one another. (It seems pretty obvious to me, but the prostitutes can’t figure out that the pimps love is based on the money!)

I wish pimps would admit their chosen “profession,” but they hate to be called a pimp. A pimp will be quick to say, “there is no shame in my game,” but the truth is, he has great shame. The misguided follow orders and never use the term pimp; they prefer more affectionate terms such as “father.” I guess the pimp replaces the daddy who abandoned them. (Listen to John Mayer; the guy is a great singer and he knows what he is talking about. “Fathers, be good to your daughters; daughters will love like you do!)

I once asked a pimp about his aspirations and he mentioned Benedict. At first, I thought of Benedict Arnold, but he was talking about the Pope.  (It’s true; the Pope is the biggest pimp in the world. Too bad there isn’t a “god” to make him pay for his earthly sins!)

I don’t give pimps the satisfaction of allowing them their hidden identities. I refuse to use their chosen misnomers. You are not a priest, deacon, preacher, pastor, or minister; you are a pimp. Do me a favor and stop preying on the weak; people work hard for their money. They call your business the oldest profession. I haven’t seen you work a day in your life; you cold-hearted snake. (Are those Custom Gators on your feet under your priestly vestments? Must be nice; pimps make me sick!)

When I think about the voluntary church “donations,” I am always reminded by Ice Cube’s song When I Get To Heaven. Here are some of the lines which have always stuck with me:

  1. “The devil made you a slave, and he gave you a bible.”
  2. “Cause I see, cause I know, the church ain’t nothing but a fashion show.”
  3. “You’re waiting for the devil to come from the ground, clown, take a look around.”
  4. “’god’ is a killer from the start, why you think Noah had to build his Ark.”
  5. “So Mr. Preacher, if I couldn’t pay my tides, do I have to…wait outside?”

Yes, Mr. Preacher, do we have to wait outside if we don’t have our mandatory donations. I honestly never understood how people could give a church ten percent of their earnings, watch the pastor wear expensive clothing and drive expensive cars to his large manse, while they continue to struggle to remain above the poverty line. Yes Mr. Preacher, your “god” has provided a great deal for you. What about the people in the pews? Does your “god” not see them? (Maybe I’m wrong, but the whole concept seems a little “pimpy” to me!)

I guess the pimp’s hand is very strong. Who am I to help the pimp’s followers see the truth? To those who continue to follow blindly, it’s pretty simple; kneel obediently before your pimp and service his lord!

By the grace of “god,” I have been pimp free since ’93! I chose that year because it rhymes!

@peteTeix617

Stress-Free Sunday

In yesterday’s post, I mentioned my three weeks of hell. (6 11-hour days!) This is always a difficult time for me for two reasons. I am not used to falling asleep until after 3am and I dislike waking at 7am; the long work hours are not a problem. (I am fortunate to be born with the responsibility gene!)

During this time, Sunday is my only day off. (Thankfully, I don’t have to waste a second of my free day in a church!) I am a realist and I understand that this is not a good year for the Orange and Blue. Next year will be different! Football is no longer a priority for me, at least not during these three weeks; my free time must be relaxing and drama free. The way the Broncos and Gators are playing, I’ll pass; I don’t need the added stress of witnessing a horrible defeat. (Lucky for me, I have great friends and family who enjoy keeping me up to date on the games; the texts, tweets, Facebook updates, and in person comments are truly appreciated!)

There are certain individuals who come into your life and leave a lasting impact. These are the types of people who you can attend a funeral with and have an enjoyable experience. Luckily, I have several of these people in my life. You can go years without any contact from such a person, and the second the two of you are reunited it will be as if you never lost touch.

This Sunday, I made plans to spend time with one of my favorite people, ever. The plan was to go apple picking with “Robmeshia.” (I guess the name means daughter of Rob in Ebonics!) Obviously, that is not her real name and the reason I chose this moniker is simple. Once I mentioned my preference to change names in order to add an extra element of comedy to the posts Robmeshia requested a ghetto name. I wanted to go with “La-a,” but I went more traditional. “La-a isn’t ghetto!” It is when you understand that the mother of La-a is quick to point out, “the dash ain’t silent!” Yes, the name is pronounced Ladasha! (I wish I was joking!)

At first, I was against apple picking. I am against bullying and I just didn’t see the point of picking on some helpless apples. Once I understood what actually took place, I was happy to partake in the long standing American tradition.

All I could think about on Saturday was apple picking. I thought about apples so much that I arrived at the solution to our nation’s health care crisis. The way I see it, President Obama should stop the wasteful spending and put an end to the Health Insurance Bill. I have always believed the best way to solve a problem is to prevent it from happening in the first place. If Americans don’t get sick, there will be no need for Health Care. I don’t know why people go to the hospital anyway; I mean, my doctor is hot but she gives the worst hand jobs. (Maybe if she stopped focusing on making me cough, she would be able to produce a happier ending!)

Obama should enact the AAD Bill. That’s right; the Apple-A-Day Bill will fix everything. The President should spend money on new orchards and stop worrying about health. After all, AN APPLE A DAY WILL KEEP THE DOCTOR AWAY! (Please take the initiative and contact your local representatives. LET’S GET THE BALL ROLLING!)

Saturday night is also important during my three weeks of hell. For this Saturday, I decided to try a tall can of Four Loko. The drink is strong, but I didn’t enjoy the taste. (It was as if I sent a novice to mix me an alcoholic beverage!) There were some effects; both positive and negative. I noticed that spelling simple words became a more difficult task after every swig. (I had to give up the tweets after I asked @Efidalgo12, “how do you spell ‘as’?”)

I’m not sure if Four Loko was responsible for the creativity that was produced, but if the product has such a helpful effect, I will be a loyal customer! First, we added a few scenes which strengthened our script. Then we decided to tweet to our hearts content. Our first trending topic was #11thCommandment, but we stopped once it was noted that others had already created the TT. Undeterred, we switched to #InTheYear3000. It was a great success. I will share some of my favorite tweets.

Before I reveal the TT Tweets, I am happy to announce that I completed my goal of producing 100 blog posts before my 1000th Tweet. I believe my accomplishment to be a record; I’m still waiting for the wonderful people at the Guinness Book of World Records to contact me. *Fingers Crossed*

Tweet #999 – My next tweet will be the 1000th. To mark the occasion, I will share my dream in honor of MLK!

Tweet #1000 – My dream is to own a fancy cafe named SIGNIFICANT. When asked where are you, customers will reply, “I’m in significant!” #followyourdreams

Here are the TT Tweets:

@PeteTeix617:

  1. Racism will no longer exist. People will hate all races equally! #InTheYear3000
  2. AIDS will be replaced by a new STD which causes men to bang women without catching feelings. Wait that already happend. #InTheYear3000 bc
  3. Aliens will visit earth. They will land in Mexico and be forced to sneak across the border before being taken to the leader! #InTheYear3000
  4. #iamdiddy will be brought back to life and his first words will be, “I thought I told you that we won’t stop!” #InTheYear3000
  5. Drunk texts will no longer exist. But the new drunk teleports will be truly regrettable! #InTheYear3000
  6. In an effort to finally repay blacks for slavery, America will be called AFRICAN AMERICA! #InTheYear3000

@Efidalgo12:

  1. #InTheYear3000 99% of marriages will end in divorce. 100% of divorces will end in happiness.
  2. #InTheYear3000 beastiality will be going through the same civil rights fight as homosexuality
  3. #InTheYear3000 my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson will get mad ass
  4. #InTheYear3000 The number one occupation for women will be Child Support Collector

I don’t think I can add some of the other tweets. This guy is unfiltered! Follow us on Twitter and you won’t miss the next TT explosion! (Get your minds out of the gutter!)

Sunday arrived; I was excited. Unfortunately, circumstances didn’t allow us to make it out to the orchard. Instead, we decided to hang out in Copley. I shared a lovely chat with Robmeshia in the Boston Common which was rudely interrupted by some squirrels; they were a little too close for comfort. (The real reason we left was the fact that Robmeshia pointed out the squirrels were actually large rats. The city will need some lions or tigers to combat those overgrown rodents!)

Sometimes, you can be around someone doing absolutely nothing, and have a great day. I am lucky to have wonderful individuals in my life. To Robmeshia, I say, thanks for taking time to help me have a relaxing Sunday; your company is always enjoyable and refreshing! I don’t know what it is about certain people but, once they are around each other, anything can be discussed without worrying about being judged. (I look forward to our next encounter!)

Thanks to my Stress-Free Sunday, I am ready to tackle hell week two. When it comes to knowing how to enjoy life, I am on top. Don’t believe me? I have the picture to prove it! (I’m not talking about those type of pictures. Please get your minds out of the gutter!)

I don’t know why people buy cameras anymore; these phones are GREAT!

P.S. I love the Gators and Broncos! YOUR TEAM SUCKS!

@PeteTeix617

No Homo

**I planned on writing this post in August, but I completely forgot. I often say, the readers are the ones who help to shape the content of the blog. Recently, I was reminded to tackle this subject.**

     I honestly don’t know why people care about things that have nothing to do with them. If two people of the same sex decided to be intimate with one another, let them. Their lifestyle does not interfere with anyone else’s life.

I will be the first to admit, gay jokes are funny. Straight men call each other “gay” all the time, and it is done in jest. (Please don’t tell me that I am wrong, and that gay jokes are hurtful to gay people. I am not politically correct. Stop being so sensitive and tell straight jokes! For more about the jokes, read my previous entry, titled Six Flags, posted on August 10th.)

The problem with these types of jokes is when people use gay slurs to put down homosexuals. Homophobia is unacceptable. People who say homosexuality is unnatural are under-informed. There are many species which practice gay sex; it is natural. (This is an irrefutable fact!)

That being said, there is a dumb quote being floated around Twitter. Allow me to paraphrase, “Homosexuality exists in over 1500 species, homophobia only exists in one.” Like any other genius Twitter quote, this one is unfounded. Yes, homosexuality is natural, but how can we possibly know whether or not homophobia exists in other species? For all we know, straight lions give gay lions a hard time! (I believe straight lions are homophobic creatures, and their behavior has to be stopped!)

Homophobia is something that doesn’t make any sense to me, especially when blacks and Jews are homophobes. How can you know the history of the struggle to overcome the slave trade and the Holocaust, and allow yourself to support any form of discrimination? (As a History Major, these are the people who truly baffle me. And I consider myself “un-baffle-able!”)

Sometimes, the biggest homophobes are people who are desperately trying to remain in the closet. Comedian Ron White tells a great joke about homophobia. Ron’s brother is anti-gay and an outspoken homophobe.

Ron: “All men are gay to some degree.”

Brother: “Bullshit!”

Ron: “Ok, I’ll prove it to you. Do you watch porn?”

Brother: “Hell yeah!”

Ron: “Do you only watch lesbian porn?”

Brother: “No. I like to watch a guy bang the crap out of a slut.”

Ron: “When you watch porn, do you like to see a guy bang a chick with a limp dick?”

Brother: “No, I like a hard cock!” [The brother realizes what he just said. Ron White is hilarious!]

I grew up a Catholic and my upbringing taught me to believe that gay people were sinners. Part of my road to atheism was paved by the realization that gay people are simply people; an individual’s sexual preference has nothing to do with who they are. History has taught me that homophobia is a fairly recent phenomenon. The Greeks and Romans practiced homosexuality on a regular basis. I am not going to get into the historical record, but basically the ancients were mostly bisexual. Even the leader of the Olympian gods, Zeus, slept with men. Are you not familiar with the story of Zeus and Ganymede, the Trojan boy? (Feel free to research the information if you have an interest in the topic!)

It was difficult for me to consider someone unmanly, when history’s greatest conqueror was gay. Of course, I am referring to the Macedonian leader, Alexander the Great. One of my favorite professors at UMass Boston is named William A Percy; he is openly gay and in his seventies. His classes were always interesting because Professor Percy spoke his mind and refused to be politically correct. As you can imagine, there were some students who complained, but his tenured status made him untouchable. (The guy needs his own reality show!)

Another former professor, Michael B. Chesson, endorsed a book called The intimate world of Abraham Lincoln. The book was written by C. A. Tripp, who concluded that Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual. (That’s something that the conservatives would probably kill over!)

My time at Seton Hall University also opened my eyes to the realities of the world. One of my good friends shared a suite with “Gay Dan.” At first, I was uncomfortable with Dan, but I quickly realized that he was just a student like any other. Getting to know people is the best way to break down ignorant stereotypes. At the gym, there was a gay guy who was a pretty good basketball player. Some of the people gave him a hard time and refused to pick him, but I always welcomed him on my five and we won most of the games. It’s a shame what ignorance can do to people. (The old adage, “don’t judge a book by its cover,” has been around for ages because it’s true. Get to know people and you’ll gain a better perspective on life!)

That being said, there was one incident at the park here in Roxbury. A guy showed up with no shirt on and cyclist tights. Let’s just say, he scored every time he touched the ball; there is such a thing as tolerance, but wrong is wrong. (Wearing nothing but tights to play basketball is plain old wrong!)

The bible is very clear when it comes to the subject of homosexuality. In the book of Leviticus, chapter 20 verse 13, it is stated clearly, “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed; they have forfeited their lives.” The problem is the fact that the bible was written by man. If you understand the history of the people who wrote the “holy book,” you would understand why homosexuality is banned. The Hebrew cities were often ransacked by the ancient Greeks. The women and children were captured as slaves, while the men were raped in order to emasculate them. (If the men in your tribe were raped, you would probably be against homosexuality as well!)

Religion is the great separator of man. Believers are taught to hate anyone who is different. There are too many parents who disown their children once they announce their true sexuality. I could never be a part of a faith that teaches me to hate my child; hate speech is wrong, even if the guy spewing the venomous talk is wearing a cross on his fancy robe. (Don’t ever forget; he is just a guy!)

At the end of the day, most of the people who are against homosexuality do it out of fear. I am not talking about the fear of gays; I mean the fear of their own hidden desires. Ask the disgraced former Evangelical pastor, Ted haggard. He hated gays from the pulpit, but was caught paying a man for sex while using methamphetamines. (Do you ever wonder what secrets are in your pastor’s closet?)

There is much debate over the “gay gene.” I don’t believe there is a gay gene, but scientists will eventually solve the mystery. I just don’t think that people are born gay. Humans will adapt to their environment. People who live in Japan love eating raw fish because they grew up in an environment which accepted the practice. Someone who lives in a rural town in Mexico may be repulsed by raw fish. The difference is the fact that the “good book” doesn’t speak negatively about eating raw fish, so sushi may seem foreign and weird to some, but it doesn’t get the Jesus-folk riled up. If the bible had a verse which disallows the eating of uncooked fish, sushi restaurants would be targeted by most Christians. (I haven’t looked into it, but there probably is some verse about not eating raw fish, or at least there is a verse which can be translated to mean such!)

Intolerance comes from ignorance. I am talking about the Lack of knowledge. People often use the word ignorant to mean, asshole or jerk, but that is a misuse of the word. Gays often say, “I didn’t choose to be gay.” That may be true, but I never understood the reasoning for such a claim. Choosing who you want to be intimate with does not give people the right to be hateful. Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t make it wrong. (Isn’t it funny how most religious people will hate gays because of the bible, but will have unprotected sex without blinking an eye?)

As far as gay marriage is concerned, I don’t have a problem with two people of the same sex getting hitched. The reason most people are against gay marriage is due to religious beliefs; I guess I just don’t have that problem. If two people fall in love and want to spend their lives together, who cares if they are homosexuals? “But ‘god’ created Adam and eve, not Adam and Steve.” That would be great if “god” existed! Most of the anti-gay marriage talk comes from people who are unhappy with their own love-lives so they try to prevent others from being happy. (I thought marriage was about falling in love; I guess I was wrong!)

Furthermore, when it comes to a gay couple adopting a child, I’m all for it. There are too many children in this world who lack the necessary unconditional love and parental guidance. Why not allow gay couples to adopt? What’s the worst that could happen; the child grows up to be gay? The only problem with being gay is the fact that most straight people are hateful. A child will be better off with gay parents, than some of the children who are born to a straight couple. I would personally prefer two gay dads, to a drug addicted/prostitute mother and a drug dealer/pimp father. (I’m weird that way!)

Being tolerant doesn’t make you gay; it makes you a decent human being. Allow people to be themselves and treat everyone with respect–unless you’re a god-fearing person. It’s perfectly fine to hate others as long as it’s done in the name of the “almighty!” (There’s a reason the last statement sounds ridiculous!)

My favorite Christian anti-gay slogan is, “I don’t hate gays; ‘god’ does.” What a wonderful and peaceful ideology. Another great quote from the book of Leviticus is, chapter 19 verse 18, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.” (I guess the part about, “unless he or she is gay,” is understood!)

I’ll leave you with a joke for all of the homosexual citizens of the world. It goes like this, “god” is good; all the time!

@PeteTeix617

AIDS Is Not For Everyone

****I will only use the word AIDS. For the purpose of this post, everyone who has HIV will eventually move on to full-blown AIDS!****

     Sex is great! Well, at least that’s what the consensus seems to be. I can neither confirm nor deny the statement. Unwanted pregnancies can result from unprotected sexual experiences, but I would say that the most negative aspect of sex has to be AIDS. (I said unwanted pregnancies, not all pregnancies!)

Some people don’t deserve to contract AIDS. “What are you talking about? No one deserves to get AIDS.” BULLSHIT! There are a lot of people in this world who need AIDS. (I am not joking!)

The people who contract AIDS from blood transfusions, children born with AIDS, and people who contract the disease from a cheating partner are the only ones who don’t deserve to have AIDS; everyone else…these things happen. (I don’t feel bad for the rest!)

That being said, there are some people who contract the disease from a cheating partner who only have themselves to blame. If you know that your partner is cheating and you stay in the relationship, you are putting yourself at risk of contracting any and all sexually transmitted diseases. (People love to act surprised when they learn that they have been cheated on, but the truth of the matter is that most “victims” know what is going on and decide to turn a blind eye.)

People who stay in dead-end relationships, in which their partner knowingly cheats, often say, “it could be worse; the next person may come with more problems.” That’s a nonsensical view of the world. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. A relationship with a cheater is not healthy; it can add unnecessary stress to your life. Yelling, fighting, and acting like a private detective is no way to live. Let the cheater go and save yourself from the diseases which will inevitably appear. (Breaking up may be painful, but living in a stressful relationship with someone who does nothing but tear you down and show you disrespect, is far more agonizing!)

Breaking-up because of an abusive partner is a great reason. (Yes, people who cheat are abusive!) But the best reason to leave is for your own safety. Any adult with an IQ above the retardation level understands that having unprotected sex with anyone, can lead to AIDS. It is fine for someone to put themselves at risk, but people who are in relationships have a responsibility to keep one another safe. If you feel that your partner is involved in risky behavior, protect yourself and leave the relationship.

That being said, anyone can have a weak moment and sleep with a person who is infected. Good luck having unprotected sex with your “trusted” partner! Recently, #ThingsIThinkAboutSoIDontBust was a trending topic on twitter, but I didn’t add any tweets due to my inexperience. I guess if I did have sex and I wanted to think about something which would keep me from “busting,” I would probably go with AIDS! (To the men who read this entry, try it out and let me know if this works!)

I believe that AIDS is necessary. I honestly miss the old days of AIDS, when the disease killed most of the people who contracted it. It seems as if the discovery of new medicine has lowered the fear that people once had concerning the disease. I don’t say this because I am a sadistic person who enjoys hearing about infected patients and their suffering. I just wish people feared the disease as they did in the past; AIDS is real and for some crazy reason, people don’t respect how horrible a positive test result can be.

To me, AIDS is part of the natural selection process. The promiscuous people, who are not wise enough to take the proper safety precautions when enjoying sex, will die out. Natural selection will leave us with a society of the best people. My advice is, people should care about their future and stop fucking everyone sleeping around. The least a man can do is start wrapping it up. Women should never allow a casual partner to enter their “holy lands” without using a condom. From what I hear, the sex isn’t as good, but AIDS is probably worse. Of course, I’m just guessing. (That has to be the first time anyone called a vagina, Jerusalem; the holiest of holy lands!)

As far as AIDS is concerned, the worst stories are the horrific tales about the men and women who purposely try to spread the disease. I understand that these individuals assholes may be mad at the world, but what they are doing is nothing less than murder. These are the people who need to be publicly stoned! Although anyone who makes the decision to knowingly spread AIDS to others is a piece-of-shit, it is the responsibility of every consenting adult to find out who they are sleeping with. (Again, good luck out there people!)

Don’t envy or concern yourself with those who brag about their wonderful dangerous sex lives. They will eventually pay a king’s ransom for their promiscuity. The more people you sleep with, the greater your chances are of contracting the big STD. Not to mention the fact that people who will sleep with perfect strangers for nothing more than sexual gratification, will most likely be carriers. (Never believe anyone who says, “I never do this,” when they are talking about having unprotected sex!)

AIDS is a weird disease. We hear so much about it, but there aren’t many people who are positive, at least not in my circle. We all know that one person who we can say, “how the hell does that person not have AIDS?” The answer is simple. For the most part, positive people don’t go around announcing their conditions. There are many silent “positivians” out there; AIDS is a hidden disease. Live your life according to your own morals and ignore what others are doing. Men will be laughed at and “clowned” for turning down sex with a disease-ridden slut, but jokes get old; AIDS is for life! When it comes to receiving advice, it is important to consider whose guidance you are seeking; especially women. Don’t sleep with people because your friends say, “it’s ok!”  A whore can only teach you how to be a whore. A whore knows not, how to be a woman!

“How can you talk so casually about AIDS? If you had the disease, you would think differently.” Not a chance. If I ever contract AIDS, I will have only myself to blame. Unless I get it through a blood transfusion, but in that case, I’ll blame “god!” I know “god” doesn’t exist, but I will blame him nonetheless for a positive result due to a transfusion. (Who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to take legal action against the Church!)

I would also be honest about the disease if I ever became positive; I don’t feel the need to hide my life experiences from anyone. Let this be a warning to any disease-carrying woman out there. If you give me AIDS, I’ll tell people that it came from you; it won’t be our little secret! (There is no shame in anything I do!)

It’s a crazy and dangerous world out there! In the immortal words of the wise former Mayor of great city of Cincinnati, Ohio, Jerry Springer, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES AND EACHOTHER!

 

@PeteTeix617

You Think You Procrastinate

For me, procrastination is not a character flaw which I have to work on; it’s a way life. I am so accustomed to waiting until the last possible moment, I don’t ever worry anymore. I just know that I will complete the task. I am currently writing this post about two hours later than I usually begin. (Big surprise!)

Let me be honest. This is usually the time I start writing. When I first started this blog, I would write the entries one day ahead of time, and then make an edit before posting. The time table shortened and I started writing in the early evening, and then making an edit before posting. Now, I begin writing late at night, and then make an edit right before posting. (This procrastination beast will be with me for the rest of my life!)

Like everyone else, I will blame my level of procrastination on an outside source. I procrastinate because I learned the habit at Boston Latin School. I always waited until the last minute to write papers and I learned that I worked well under pressure. I guess the fact that I don’t have time to fool around forces me to focus on the task at hand; I have procrastinated ever since.

One of my favorite results from the “bad” habit happened at Seton Hall University. Prior to my freshman year, I waited until the last minute to hand in my housing application. On the last day, I rushed to send out the form and forgot something rather important; I didn’t include the two hundred and fifty dollar check. I attended Orientation and everything seemed fine. On move-in day, I arrived on campus and reported the housing office to retrieve my key and student ID.

The ID was handed to me, but there was no key; I didn’t have a room. I know what you’re thinking; procrastination finally caught up with me. (Not a chance!) I was told to leave a phone number and they would call with a solution. (I wasn’t worried because the worst that could have happened was I’d miss a semester!)

The phone rang and I received some wonderful news. The only available room was a single. (I couldn’t believe my luck!) “There is a problem!” The woman informed me. “The room is located in the middle of the women’s wing; will that be a problem?” (Oh the humanity! How will I ever survive?)

Suffice it to say, I spent my first few weeks on campus being hounded by every freshman male; each guy trying to figure out how I pulled off the greatest room assignment in the history of Boland Hall! Thanks to penicillin, the STD is gone. (Kidding!) *WINK*

Moral of the story: My Procrastination gives me positive results! *Not HIV, I hope*

      It’s weird how I get so excited whenever a professor hands out a big assignment. I think up wonderful ideas for how I’ll attack the project, and I plan out a perfect schedule, but a funny thing always seems to happen. My friend procrastination takes control of the situation. I end up putting off the assignment until I have to finish it. (By finish it, I mean begin!)

My worst case of procrastination ended last night, and it was a team effort. Working as a team can be great because each individual will push the other to get the job done. Unless of course, the teammate is a certified procrastinator; good luck tackling a task in this type of collaboration. (The two procrastinations will combine to form an unavoidable super-procrastination!)

I have mentioned my script writing partnership with @Efidalgo12, in the past. We completed our first full length comedy buddy film last night. Usually this would be a cause for celebration, but not in our case. Our procrastination is of epic proportions! In fact, when the Bible is re-written by a future absolute monarch, our story will be included. My name will remain the same, but @Efidalgo12 will be replaced by the apostle John. (The name will be the most appropriate due to his future vice; paying prostitutes for unspeakable sexual favors!)

The story of our script began in 2006, October 5th to be exact. How can I be certain? There is e-mail evidence. Due to the confidentiality agreement, I can’t post the entire e-mail.

Here are some of the key contents:

On 10/5/06, peteteix44@aim.com <peteteix44@aim.com> wrote:

Subject: movie idea

> thought of a new idea for a comedy. A group of friends are hanging out

being assholes to each other…

 

>*** there are too many crazy fucked up shit coming to my head right now for

me to decide on one but I’m sure you get the picture ***…

 

> feedback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He liked the idea and replied, “NICE, perfect, imma start writing the script, you should too”

Perfect indeed; it only took us five years!

     I don’t want to suggest that we didn’t take the project seriously; we simply continued to put it off. There were several days that we handled business and got some writing done; they were just few and far between. We met at Restaurante Cesaria on multiple occasions over the years, to iron-out character descriptions, plot summary, and other ideas. We actually accomplished a great deal while procrastinating on this project. We each earned our degrees, completed a short film script and shot the movie, among other projects. (Read ‘Co-Produced,’ posted on July 28th, to learn more about the short film!)

Our forthcoming move to Los Angeles lit a fire under our respective glutei maximi, and we moved the script to the top of the priority list. Maybe not the top, but close. We set a deadline to have the script completed by the End of September. Datum Perficiemus Munus (Mission given, mission accomplished!)

We are extremely satisfied with the finished product and we’re excited to begin our next movie script. The idea is ridiculous and the execution will be difficult, but we welcome the challenge. This one should be done before we leave. (We haven’t started yet, but it’s only been a day!)

Procrastination is not the recommended course of action when attempting to accomplish a major task. Plan out your strategy and attack the challenge as soon as possible. Give yourself some time to review your work and make all of the necessary adjustments. I would also suggest finding a helpful friend who can assist you with producing a satisfactory finished product. As for me, I’ll continue to procrastinate!

Do as I say, not as I do!

@PeteTeix617