Laptop Comedy

     This is my attempt to create an original stand-up comedy set. I have coined a new phrase; Laptop Comedy. (Laptop Comedy is a set that is written using a laptop and posted on a blog!)

     Originally, planned on creating a full comedy set, but then I realized that I am not even considered an amateur. I can’t just show up on the scene and put together a half hour special; who the hell do I think I am? This is a short set which will determine if I write another one of these posts in the future.  


     I will set the mood and make an immediate connection with you by opening up with your favorite song. ***Please play your favorite song now!*** (Do you feel the connection?)

First off, I’d like to thank everyone for taking the time out of their busy workday to read this entry. I hope you find the subject matter to be amusing. Wow, I didn’t even know YOU read this blog. Damn, you are amazing. Oh shit! I can’t believe you have that on. Do you not know that I can see you? (Guys, this last bit was not for you!)

I’m sorry for the delay; I was supposed to write this post a few weeks ago, but I had to take a piss. I was running home and I just couldn’t hold it. I ended up hitting the alley like Daniel Son. (If you are a rap artist, feel free to steal that line!)

There is no way anyone can tell me that Daniel son didn’t smash Ally, in the original Karate Kid.

I hate the fact that I have to say original Karate Kid. I enjoyed the new version, but I’m sick of the remakes. I feel like we are in an age of non-creative people. (Read my post on the matter to enrich your lives! Copy Cats.)

It’s ridiculous when you think about it. We have a group of people who grew up in the 80’s who are flocking to movie theaters to watch films based on their favorite cartoons. No wonder this country is going to shit; there are no more grownups. We lost an entire generation. The new age grandmothers are at the clubs backing that ass up; it’s sickening. Yet, I can’t turn away!

Here’s an obvious fact. Grandparents are not supposed to be in their late 30’s and early 40’s.

It’s crazy, but things are even crazier in Los Angeles. Just the other day, I was in a supermarket and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw this woman who had on my favorite pants; leggings. Her ass was perfect and it got better as I approached. I would post a picture of her ass, but I’m not that guy; I don’t ever bust out the creepy camera phone guy routine.

The weirdest thing happened. As I got closer, she turned to face me and I almost lost my shit. The woman was at least sixty years-old. She was a freaking mutant. A sixty year old with an eighteen year-old body; I’m sure I don’t have to elaborate on her superpowers.

“What the fuck; I almost tried to bag at your old ass.” I screamed out.

Just kidding; I wanted to holla at her, but she turned me down.

“Bitch, Lesbian!”

LA definitely takes some getting used to. Moving out here allows me to understand how someone came up with the concept of cougars. There are many old women who are actually bangable. Not where I’m from. Not In Boston! In Beantown, 80 year-old women actually look 80; some look 90.

Not in LA! Here, they have all the plastic surgery that money can buy and they are hotter than some of the young women. I most certainly get the whole Cougar Town thing. These women worship their plastic surgeons. They’re telling their “god” (If you believe in such nonsense!) thanks but no thanks with the old age thing.

In Boston Cougar Town would have been named “Vomitville or Sag City. How many guys would be looking forward to bagging a Sag City chick? I don’t think that song would be a hit. (Sag City Chicks, Sag Sag City Chicks! Eighties and a nineties chick!)

I know what most of you are thinking. This woman did not have a great ass; it was the pants. YOU WOULD BE WRONG. She had a great ass and the pants had nothing to do with it. I know many people think that magic pants make every woman’s ass look great, but we’ve all seen some examples of leggings-gone-wrong!

No my friends, this woman was the real deal. I’m almost HIV positive that she was a palates instructor, or a senior citizen fitness center staff member, or a freaking decathlete who runs marathons in her spare time. In a word, she was FIT!

I would like to apologize for spending the lion’s share of this post on an old lady’s ass. I couldn’t help it; this thing actually happened. I just talk about my experiences.

That’s all for this comedy bit. Hopefully, it was entertaining.

Until next time!


About these ads

Six Flags

I normally save these types of actual tales for Saturdays but I have to devote extra attention to tomorrow’s post. The big conclusion to the afterlife series will be a 3D entry and the technology is a little trickier than I assumed.

Before I write the story, I want to make something clear. I am not a homophobe. I believe people should live their lives as they see fit. I actually never understood how parents could disown their children for being gay—another great aspect of religion! (Religion = the ultimate separator of people!) I grew up in a Cape Verdean, Catholic, homophobic community. We always tell gay jokes because they are hilarious. In the same manner, racist jokes are funny. People need to stop being so sensitive.

One of the best pub experiences in my life happened at Mr. Dooley’s, home of Boston’s best Guinness. (If you haven’t enjoyed a glass, DO SO!) I was with several of my cousins and we had a blast, drinking the smoothest Guinness while sharing racist jokes with some Irish folk we met. It was all in good fun and everyone had a great time! (Politically correct people suck!)

To me, the funniest joke came from one of the Irish guys, who asked, “What do you call a black guy flying a plane?” After several minutes of puzzled faces and silence because we couldn’t figure out a racist answer, he blurted out, “A Pilot, you racists fucks!” Hilarious!

I understand gay jokes may be offensive to the GLBT community, but we are not trying to be mean spirited; it’s all about a laugh. Tell straight people jokes, I can guarantee you, WE WILL NOT BE OFFENDED! Here’s one: “Why are straight guys pussies?” I don’t know! “Because you are what you eat!” (Sorry I don’t know any good straight people jokes!)

Comedian Drew Carey’s book Dirty Jokes And Beer has been in my library for several years and it is a riot. (A great read, pick up a copy!) At the beginning of each chapter Carey opens with a joke. This one concerns the topic, so I’ll share.

     A guy gets put into a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give I a shot for his son’s sake.

     The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.

     The guy gets on the phone to his son and says, “”Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!”

     The son says, “Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?”

The old man says, “You won’t believe it. I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse I’ve ever seen in my life came into the room and blew me. Didn’t say a word. Just blew me.”

     “Well, that sounds great, Dad. Congratulations.”

     “Well, thank you, son,” the old man says, and hangs up the phone.

     Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and can’t get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants down, fucks him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.

     The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. “You gotta get me out of here, Son, this place is nuts!”

     “What happened, Pop? You sound terrible!” says the son.

     “Well, I was walking with my walker and I fell down and couldn’t get up. Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and fucked me up the ass!”

     “Well, you know, Dad,” says the son. “You got a blow job this morning. You gotta take the good with the bad…”

     “No, you don’t understand, Son!” exclaims the old man. “I only get a hard-on once a month! I fall down three, four times a day!”

**********************THE MAIN STORY************************

This Actually Happened

The episode occurred about six years ago, during the Summer. After being frustrated that the crew never gathered for a trip to six flags, Zig approached me and said, “Yo, we should just pick a Sunday and go to the park!” I thought it was a great idea. Me and Zig together is always a great time, and two people have a better chance of picking up women than a mob of guys. (Mobs scare females away!) The plan was never solidified and the weeks flew by without any trip to Six Flags. The last week of August had to be the day. Zig purchased the tickets through his job and the trip was planned; sacrifices had to be made—no drinking on the preceding Saturday! Zig arrived early on Sunday morning. The park opened at 9am so we left Boston around 7:30am. It was a quick trip and we reached our destination a few minutes before 9am. The parking fee was $26 and we drove to a spot. On the way, I noticed a group of people, males and females. One guy was flamboyant and I said, “Looks like you’re going to bag today, Zig!” We laughed. We found a spot and parked. A minute later, a car parked near us. Three girls walked out and one was extremely attractive. “Looks like it’s gonna be a good day!” Zig remarked. We mixed our own batch of Long Island Iced Tea and pre-gamed for a few minutes. I noticed more and more flamboyantly dressed guys parking in our vicinity. “Damn, they must have known you were coming, there are a lot of gay guys here today; You’re gonna have a blast.” We laughed. It was time to go to the entrance. We walked and I noticed more gay dudes on the way. “What is going on. There are a lot of gay guys here.” I said. “You think everyone is gay. Look at all the chicks.” Zig replied. We arrived at the main entrance and Zig began to notice how many gay dudes were around. “Oh shit! I think you’re right; there are a lot of gay gays here…YOU DON’T THINK…” He said. “Na. NO WAY!” I assured. We did our best not to notice what seemed to be obvious, but we had to get to the bottom of the situation. Zig spotted an attendant and we walked over to her. “Excuse me. I don’t want to seem insensitive, but is there something going on here today?” I inquired. “Yeah, It’s GAY DAY!” She informed with a laugh. “You guys didn’t know?” She continued. “No!” We yelled simultaneously. “Come on. Seriously? Then why does he have on a red shirt?” She asked, pointing at Zig. “What does that mean?” He asked. “Red is the color the gay guys chose to wear so they can identify one another.” She revealed. Long story short, we hopped back in the car and enjoyed a long, silent ride back to Boston. Waste of a day and $26. (I have nothing against gays, but we left for the same reason we don’t go to gay bars. It’s not our crowd!) When we arrived at my house, Zig said, “We can never speak of this again!” Are you kidding me! I can’t wait to tell the story! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!