The Revelation

Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition  The Myth  Fallon The Blind Dolphin

I sat in my room and patiently waited for Joan to show up. For some reason, I sensed she would not appear; something changed. As I sat on the couch and thought, I realized there was only one difference; I was in a different mind state. I, my friends, was sober!

It turns out that I lost complete control of my drinking; I drank so much, in fact, that I actually began to hallucinate. No wonder they call hard liquor, spirits. It turns out that Joan of Arc never appeared in my room and none of the religious myths are true. Everything existed inside of my mind.

Thankfully, I only wrote a few ridiculous blog posts. I can’t imagine how much the writers of the bible drank in order to create such a lengthy book of nonsensical tales, but I do know the amount of “Grandpa’s Cough Medicine” consumed, was of biblical proportions.

Most likely, this will be my last post about the mythical world which I created. I plan on getting help with my drinking problem, but if I do regress, there may be future posts. Here’s to taking things one day at a time.

There is one aspect that troubles me about the experience. During my days under the influence of alcohol, I may have imagined that former Florida Gators star and current Denver Broncos backup, Tim Tebow, replaced Kyle Orton as the starter and led my favorite team to a five and one record.

I remember all of the “experts” saying, “Tebow doesn’t have what it takes to be an NFL quarterback,” so I’m pretty certain Tim is roaming the sidelines with a clipboard, as the backup to Orton. I honestly hope everything I imagined was true, but I know it would most likely be impossible. I am sure I may have made some insensitive comments about Tebow’s greatness and I apologize for offending anyone.

There has to be an explanation for the creation of these outlandish stories. I am not a neurologist, but I think my mind created the Joan of Arc appearances to prove that anyone can make up whatever they want and if people begin to believe the message, a religion will be founded. (I hope no one in the future comes across my folklores; I wouldn’t want people to actually think they are real! *WINK*)

I don’t know if the Tebow story is real or a figment of my imagination, but I will assume they are untrue. I think the reason I came up with the Tebow myth, assuming they are not true, is due to the upcoming matchup between the Denver Broncos and the New England Patsies. I want to destroy the Patsies so badly that I actually created a super hero quarterback. (There is no way any such person could actually exist; is there?) I know we would kill the Brady Bunch if we allowed Tebow to play, but I also understand that he is probably just the backup. I guess it is all just a little wishful thinking!

I know the truth about Tebow can easily be uncovered, but I can’t bring myself to fact check; I don’t want to ruin such a great dream. If someone can be so kind as to provide me with a reality check, I would greatly appreciate it! (Please keep in mind that I am in a fragile state!)

To review:

     Fact: There is no “god!” This is a fact that cannot be overstated!

Assumption: Tim Tebow is not the greatest quarterback ever and he is not currently the starter on the Broncos team which has a five and one record with him at the helm! (That would just be ridiculous!)

I can’t wait until next Sunday, when the fourth quarter begins and it’s TEBOW TIME!!! (Even if it is just a bunch of nonsense that I created in my head!)

P.S. I am not supposed to be drinking. Don’t be an enabler!


About these ads

Coming this week (22)

The Bagging Up series will move to Tuesday.

Tomorrow will mark a monumental revelation in the series with Joan.

I might not post daily from now on. If I miss a day, I will make up an elaborate excuse for not being able to write.

Check out a video of Shamu: Redtail Eating Sardine from hand!

Enjoy your Sunday! It’s Tebow Time!!!


The Laws

For maximum enjoyment, read these posts first:  Heaven’s Angels    A Lesson

I actually thought Halloween would keep Joan away, but she appeared. Not only did she show up, she dressed up in the scariest costume I have ever seen. It wasn’t the devil, some evil demon, or the exorcist; she took the form of a woman I haven’t seen in about eight months, who was about eight months pregnant. I almost fainted!

Thankfully, the new Lord has a better grasp on reality; he lived amongst the humans and understands the fact that people are incapable of making the proper decisions, all of the time. Joan revealed that the 10 Commandments are decent, but they had to be amended. God wants his laws to be realistic!

The stories will continue in the future, but for now, these are the Laws!

  1. You shall have no other gods before me. I am the only God. The way it was worded before makes it seem as if other gods are allowed, as long as they are secondary.
  2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. Idols are permitted. Just do your best to create an appropriate likeness. You can make any idols; this new God is not a jealous God.
  3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. Taking the Lord’s name in vain is not a sin. God understands when humans get upset they take his name in vain. Every now and then, try and remember to look up towards Heaven and say, “My bad!”
  4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it. There is no longer any Sabbath day. The old Law was ridiculous!
  5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. Listen to your parents and honor them. Unless your parents are idiots; in that case, find a set of responsible adults and listen to them!
  6. You shall not murder. There are no exceptions. The state is permitted by the Lord, to execute any murderers.
  7. You shall not commit adultery. If you have a desire to bed more than one woman, remain single! Marriage is for life! *****I am honored to announce that the Lord has decided to allow couples to divorce, but they must adhere to the rules of the divorce party! (Read previous post: My Proposal To Save Marriage)*****
  8. You shall not steal. The state is permitted to cut off the dominant hand of thieves. Everyone is to work hard and purchase any desired item!
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You may bear false witness against your neighbor. Just don’t be upset if your neighbor returns the favor!
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. You are free to covet everything which you desire.  Just act accordingly. It would be idiotic to control a person’s mind.

Before she departed, Joan also gave me some additional laws for people to follow. According to Joan, the Lord understands that it will be most difficult for Christians to make the conversion because of the nonsense that has been ingrained in them, but if they are unable to adjust, they will land in Hell with their former “Lord and Savior.”

  • Serving the Lord is a choice. Although people who do not follow the Lord are destined for Hell, do not waste your time trying to convert others. The word of the Lord will be available to all; those who choose not to follow will suffer a great penalty. This is not a religion based on hate. Treat others as you wish to be treated.
  • Every human being is worthy of following the Lord. Do not discriminate against others.
  • Rape is forbidden. Sex is for consenting adults. The state will be allowed to castrate all rapists. Those who commit statutory rape must pay for a life size statue to be placed in front of their residence. The statue will serve as a reminder of their sin!
  • Dreams are free from sin. People who get mad at you for something that happened in a dream will go directly to Hell.
  • No more frivolous lawsuits against companies. If you spill a hot cup of coffee on yourself, deal with it! Any individual, who is dumb enough to cause bodily harm to him or herself, and then attempt to bring a suit against the company, will go straight to Hell. The Lord does not favor, nor protect dumbasses!
  • Prostitution is allowed. People are free to use their bodies however they see fit. The oldest profession is not a noble one, but indeed profitable.
  • Pimping is a sin. The Lord permits the state to do with these offenders as they will.
  • Reality means be real. Anyone who appears in a reality show, featured on MTV or VH1, will go straight to Hell.
  • Do your best not to lie. Lying is not a sin, but the habit is definitely frowned upon!
  • Racism is a sin. Yet, racist jokes are allowed, unless they lack humor!                                                                                                                           
  •  <Bonus>  Think before you ink. Women, who have lower back tattoos, must give it up on the third date or they will be banished to Hell!

For now these are the laws. Do your Lord’s bid and spread the word; just don’t annoy anyone!


The Tradition

A Lesson

Heaven’s Angels

***If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, you won’t understand what this entry is about!***

     As expected, Joan returned the following evening. After some unmentionable activity, she revealed the word of the Lord.

Joan: “Before we discuss the laws, I want to talk about responsibility. The old God was patient with his prophets; he gave them the freedom to spread his message as they saw fit. Our new Lord will not accept insubordination.”

Me: “You don’t have to worry about that, I will dedicate my life to spreading his word.”

Joan: “Let me tell you a story about a man named Tom.”

Me: “Is this a story about one of God’s laws?”

Joan: “No! This is about your duties as a prophet. Tom was a regular fellow. His upbringing was normal; he came from a typical American family. Tom studied hard in school and landed a wonderful job at an Ivy League University. He was a hard worker who eventually earned a promotion to head the housing department. After four years on the job, Tom was asked to train a new assistant, Kelly; she was also a hard worker. The School’s President wanted Kelly to know everything about the job, in case Tom was unable to make it to work, on any given day. Tom thought it was a great idea, and for an entire month, he taught Kelly everything he knew. At the end of the month, the President asked Tom if Kelly was well trained. He answered, ‘She knows everything that I know.’ The President’s response was simple and cold. ‘Great; you’re fired and Kelly is your replacement’!”

Me: “That’s cold!”

Joan: “It’s practical. Tom made it to the top and lost the drive to continue working hard. Don’t make the same mistake; continue to carry out your mission, or you’ll be replaced.”

Me: “Message received; poor Tom. What about my question about the wives?”

Joan: “Definitely a big NO, on that one!”

Me: “Damn! Oh well.”

Joan: “Usually, the laws will be delivered to you in a story, but today I will allow you an opportunity to impress me; you will be asked to figure out the proper outcome.”

Me: “Ok; I think I’m up for the challenge!”

Joan: “Picture Dominique; she is young and has made a commitment to wait until she is married until she has intercourse. One night, Dominique walks home from a hard day on the job. She strolls through a nearby park and admires the bright stars illuminating the sky. Suddenly, an attacker appears from behind a large oak tree and savagely rapes her. The incident is the worst experience of her life. Adding lemon juice to the paper-cut, she discovers that she is pregnant. Do you think she should be allowed to have an abortion?”

Me: “In that instance, I would say it is completely up to her; no one can make that decision for her, especially not some former member of the Hitler youth, who now runs the Vatican!”

Joan: “The truth of the matter is, the woman is going to Hell regardless of her decision. The Bible clearly states that premarital-sex is a sin!”

Me: “WHAT? Are you kidding me?”

Joan: “Yes!”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “This isn’t the old God; the new Lord operates under common sense!”

Me: “Thank God!”

Joan: “As far as the Lord is concerned, a fetus is not a child; those who have abortions will not end up in Hell. Each woman has the right to make her own decision.”

Me: “You mentioned pre-marital sex; is that allowed?”

Joan: “Are we married?”

[I shook my head.]

Me: “Sorry for the dumb question.”

Joan: “It’s all about treating others with respect; people are free to do as they please. If two consenting adults have sex, so be it – just don’t come praying for a cure if you catch AIDS! The whining can get quite annoying!”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I completely understand; I like this new God!”

Joan: “We all do; it was so boring, before!”

Me: “Yeah, I had no desire to end up in the old Heaven.”

Joan: “Try this example. We have Chris and Tim; they are two gang members. One day, Chris’ younger Brother Mike, who was also in the gang, died at the hands of their rivals. Chris and Tim discovered who the triggermen were, because their girlfriends happened to be at the scene. The two women threatened to leave the men if they didn’t exact revenge. The foursome agreed that Chris and Tim should go out on a mission to kill the murderers. The longtime friends arrived on the enemy’s turf and unleashed a barrage of bullets; three rivals were murdered in cold blood. Years later, the friends left the gang life behind and turned to religion. They asked the Lord for forgiveness and married their girlfriends. The foursome founded an organization designed to prevent violence; they successfully saved thousands of youths from joining gangs. What should be the final judgment for each member of the foursome?”

Me: “I think the women would be forgiven for their involvement, but the men will probably end up in Hell for the murders.”

Joan: “The community work is great but it doesn’t matter because, in the end, each person in the foursome will end up with Jesus! Urging someone to kill is the same as murder. The law is thou shalt not kill; not thou can kill and then make up for it.”

Me: “Damn, that’s cold, but I guess it makes sense.”

Joan: “Avoid gangs, work hard, and listen to your parents.”

Me: “I’m with the whole avoiding gangs and working hard thing, but I have a problem with the listening to parents, part. What about the children whose parents are sinners? I think your stories don’t cover all aspects of life; maybe you need to go back to the drawing board. Why don’t you just give me a list of essential rules and we’ll go from there?”

Joan: “That’s actually not a bad idea. For now, post the story and I’ll talk to the big guy!”

Me: “Another problem I have with your story is that fact that it can actually happen. Aren’t religious stories supposed to be filled with a bunch of nonsense? Where are my impossible, living in a whale and burning down cities, details? Can I add a big gang war, where one gang kills all the members of the other gang, except for one infant who was hidden inside of the trunk of an old Honda? Maybe the baby can grow up and take down the rivals?”

Joan: “No, you can’t add your own details! This isn’t the old religion; we have to pass on information which makes sense.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll make sure people avoid gangs, but I definitely think the list of laws is the way to go.”

Joan: “I’ll let you know what the Lord decides!”

[She exited.]

God willing, there will be a list soon!



The Laws

Heaven’s Angels

Contrary to popular belief, I have no problem admitting when I am wrong; this is one of those instances. I enjoyed my time as an atheist, but the light of truth has been cast upon me. I made the mistake of trying to apply logic to religion because I couldn’t bring myself to be satisfied with faith. Thanks to a recent life changing experience, I am a believer once more!

In the tradition of the great prophets, I too have a message!

     Saturday night, I returned home after making it through another long work-week. I was too tired to leave the house and did my best to watch television, but I fell asleep around ten. My slumber was interrupted by a weird noise; the disturbance seemed to come from the window. I looked at the clock and it was exactly midnight. I struggled out from under the warm covers and walked over to the window. Standing in my backyard was a woman in a white cloak and brown leather sandals.

What happened next changed my life forever!

[I lifted the window and spoke to the stranger.]

Me: “Who are you?”

Woman: “My name is Joan; I need to speak with you.”

Me: “About what?”

Joan: “I have some information for you. Will you invite me in?”

Me: “I don’t know; you seem crazy. Who the hell stands outside of someone’s window and throws rocks?”

Joan: “I assure you I am not an enemy; I have come to deliver an important message.”

[I thought about the situation for a second. Against my better judgment, I agreed to her request.]

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret this, but I’ll be down in a second.”

Joan: “There is no need for you to come down.”

[Joan disappeared. I was startled when I turned and saw her standing inside of my room.]

Me: “What the hell?”

Joan: “Don’t be alarmed. I am not from this world.”

Me: “This is crazy. What’s going on here? I think I have to sit down.”

[I took a seat on the couch.]

Me: “If you can teleport, why didn’t you just appear in my room in the first place?”

Joan: “We are not allowed to enter a domicile without permission; we must be invited in.”

Me: “What do you mean? Are you an alien; are you a ghost?”

Joan: “No! I am an angel.”

Me: “What? An angel? From Heaven? Why would an angel want to talk to me; I’m an atheist? Well, I was an atheist; I don’t know what I believe now. And where the heck are your wings?”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “There are no wings; that’s just a story which was created for children. God does exist, and I AM from Heaven. I came here on a mission.”

Me: “Let me guess; God is pissed with all of the things I write and he wants me to cease and desist?”

Joan: “No, that is not my mission. Although, God was pissed with your writing; you were headed down the wrong path.”

Me: “What do you mean by, ‘he was pissed’?”

Joan: “The God from the Bible doesn’t exist anymore.”

Me: “What are you talking about? I thought you said God exists?”

Joan: “I will explain everything, but first, I must do something that I never had the chance to experience while I was on earth.”

Me: “You lived on earth?”

Joan: “Yes! I lived in 15th century France, in the village of Domremy; I am the daughter of Jacques and Isabelle d’Arc. You might know me as Joan of Arc.”

Me: “What? You’re Joan of Arc?”

Joan: “Yes, I am now the messenger angel of Heaven. I have an important message for you, but first, I must complete my own mission.”

Me: “Am I supposed to help you with the mission?”

Joan: “Yes, you are necessary.”

Me: “OK! What do I have to do?”

Joan: “I died before I experienced all that this world has to offer; I want to know what it feels like to have sex.”

Me: “Oh yeah; you did die a virgin. This is weird, I don’t know if it’s right to bed an angel.”

Joan: “You are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to, but I would appreciate your cooperation.”

Me: “You know what? I’ll do it. I just have to grab a condom first.”

Joan: “There is no need; angels are immune from all diseases.”

Me: “Ok, but if I catch something, I’m going to be pissed!”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “You’re silly!”

[We shared a wonderful experience. It was by far my best effort.]

Me: “That was great!”

Joan: “I enjoyed the experience, but it wasn’t like I often hear women describe intercourse; I didn’t feel any incredible pleasurable energy serge through my entire body.”

Me: “Ah, sorry about that. Give me some time and I will be able to do better.”

Joan: “There is no need. I am pleased to finally have the experience.”

Me: “Ok; are you going to tell me the secret, now?”

Joan: “Yes; it is time.”

[Joan put on her cloak and stood in the center of the room.]

Joan: “Everything which exists was created by God. The stories from the Old Testament are somewhat correct. The most important individual was Moses. He was the prophet who revealed God’s laws to the people.”

Me: “So there was a Moses and the Ten Commandments are real?”

Joan: “Yes! God was not pleased with the fact that his followers created a text which misinterpreted his message. In order to correct the inaccuracies, the Lord sent another prophet, Jesus.”

Me: “What do you mean prophet; I though Jesus was the son of God?”

Joan: “No! Jesus was just a prophet; his mission was to teach the people. He was supposed to deliver a true Testament.”

Me: “Why does everyone think that Jesus is God’s son?”

Joan: “When Jesus arrived on earth, he decided to disobey the Lord. He created his own tales and made himself the son of God.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Joan: “Yes! He tried to make himself into a hero so people would follow him. Jesus was under the impression that God’s power came from all of the believers; he thought he could gain more followers and take control of Heaven.”

Me: “So what happened to him?”

Joan: “God was pissed, which is why he allowed the Romans to crucify Jesus.”

Me: “Do you mean to tell me that Jesus never died on the cross for our sins?”

Joan: “No! He made up that entire story and when he dies, God sent him to Hell.”

Me: “That’s crazy!”

Joan: “Yeah, but he did get a lot of people to follow him. God thought Judaism would overtake Christianity, but it didn’t happen so he sent another prophet, Mohammad.”

Me: “What; the Muslims were right?”

Joan: “Yes, Mohammad revealed the true words of the Lord to his people. Unfortunately, when he died, the message was lost. The religion was spilt between Shi’a and Sunni. After three failed attempt to send prophets, I think God made the decision to allow people to follow any of the three faiths. As long as a person remained true to the religious teachings, they were allowed entrance into the Lord’s Kingdom.”

Me: “What about the other religions of the world?”

Joan: “Those people go to Hell.”

Me: “What? That doesn’t seem fair; some of the indigenous people have never even seen the Bible.”

Joan: “I don’t make up the rules; I just follow the orders!”

ME: “What was all that talk about God was pissed with my writing? Why is he no longer upset with me?”

Joan: “The God who represents Judaism, Christianity, and Islam no longer exists.”

Me: “You’re not making any sense; you said God exists.”

Joan: “In the beginning, before the creation of man, God had angels. His favorite and most trusted angel was Lucifer. God decided he wanted to create humans and he told Lucifer about his future plans. God wanted to pass on his power to Lucifer. He planned on retiring, but he also wanted to divide the power between several angels, in order to avoid creating his equal.”

Me: “So God is retired?”

Joan: “No; things did not go according to plan. Lucifer attempted to take all of the power to himself, but he was no match for God. As punishment for his disloyalty, God banished Lucifer to Hell, where he could finally rule over his own dominion. The angels who joined forces with Lucifer were also banished. Two of God’s most loyal and strongest servants were Michael and Gabriel. Gabriel served as the Lord’s new second in command and Michael was tasked with battling Lucifer.”

Me: “What do you mean by battling?”

Joan: “Lucifer does his best to manipulate humans in an attempt to turn their hearts black. It is Michael who is responsible for preventing the Lucifer’s success.”

Me: “So they battle for everyone’s souls?”

Joan: “Yes, the people who choose the Lord will spend an eternity in Heaven and those who fail to follow his laws are sent to Hell.”

Me: “So I was headed to Hell?”

Joan: “Yes! You most certainly were.”

Me: “That would have been ok; the Devil must have enjoyed some of my writing, even though I didn’t believe in him, either.”

Joan: “You don’t understand; it’s about the heart of an individual. Your heart is not black; Lucifer only saves the people with black hearts. The people with good hearts, who end up in Hell, are punished. Their suffering is unimaginable and for eternity.”

Me: “So, why am I no longer on the path to Hell?”

Joan: “I never said you weren’t; you can save your soul, but you must carry out the Lord’s work!”

Me: “No problem; now that I know there is a God, I am on board with his cause. Just tell me what I have to do and it’s a done deal!”

Joan: “First, allow me to finish the back story. Michael always felt some resentment towards Gabriel. He believed that he should have been the second in command since he was more powerful. After all, it was Michael who did all of the dirty work.”

Me: “I can understand that.”

Joan: “Michael loved God, but he always felt shunned. Everything changed when the first Apostle arrived in Heaven.”

Me: “Judas?”

Joan: “NO! He ended up in Hell. Although God was unhappy with Jesus, he didn’t like that fact that Judas was not loyal. I am talking about Peter. When he arrived in Heaven, he developed a great friendship with Michael. Peter learned a great deal about being an angel and he learned how to increase his strength.”

Me: “So everyone who makes it to Heaven becomes an angel?”

Joan: “No! Most of the people are just spirits. The angels are the ones who carried out the Lord’s work while on earth.”

Me: “I guess that makes sense.”

Joan: “With Michael’s help, Peter became Heaven’s official doorman. God decides whether or not someone must spend time in Purgatory and Peter is the person who determines the length of time. Once Michael told Peter about God’s plan to retire, the Apostle decided to create a plan of his own. Peter enjoyed having the power of running purgatory and he wanted control of Heaven. Michael, on the other hand, never really cared about being number one; he just wanted to feel appreciated.”

Me: “So what happened?”

Joan: “God no longer wanted to control Heaven so he spread his power throughout his many trusted angels. Michael’s power grew almost to the point of being an equal to the Lord. Even though God was no longer at full strength, he was still too powerful for Peter and Michael. They decided to risk everything and join forces with Lucifer.”

Me: “Are you serious? I thought God was all knowing?”

Joan: “Yes; I’m telling you the truth. God was powerful and he knew everything that occurred in the past, but he never had the ability to see into the future. God needs his angels to watch over the people on earth.”

Me: “Wow. I was always taught that God knows all!”

Joan: “Humans don’t know much about anything!”

Me: “You’re definitely right about that.”

Joan: “Peter and Michael knew that Lucifer was the only one who could help them defeat the Lord. One day, Michael called God for assistance; he said that he was in a losing battle against Lucifer. When God arrived, he found Michael and Lucifer arm-locked in a struggle. When the Lord attempted to separate the two, Peter jumped out and the three angels attacked. Outnumbered, God didn’t have the strength to survive. In the end, it was his faith in the angels, which caused his demise.”

Me: “They killed God?”

Joan: “Yes! God was all powerful, but once he began to spread his power throughout the angels, he lost the ability to defend himself; at full strength, the Lord would have defeated an army of angels. ”

Me: “So what happened next? Did Peter and Michael join forces with the Devil?”

Joan: “No! The two angels turned on Lucifer and killed him, as well. Michael and Peter became the two strongest angels once they shared the reaming power from God along with Lucifer’s strength.”

Me: “Are they co-Gods?”

Joan: “No. Michael is the stronger of the two, but he doesn’t want to replace God; Peter is the new Lord and Michael is his second in command.”

Me: “So now that the Devil is dead, who runs Hell?”

Joan: “Jesus!”

Me: “What? Jesus? I thought the devil would have made him suffer?”

Joan: “No. Jesus was originally an angel and he was powerful. Lucifer loved the fact that he disobeyed the Lord and offered him a position in the Army of Satan.”

Me: “I thought the Devil only liked people with dark hearts?”

Joan: “Jesus’ heart is dark!”

Me: “This is crazy! You mean to tell me that Jesus, the son of God, is the ruler of Hell?”

Joan: “He was never the son of God!”

Me: “What ended up happening to Gabriel?”

Joan: “Michael escorted him to Hell and instructed Jesus to torture Gabriel for the rest of eternity!”

Me: “I guess Michael is not the forgiving type!”

Joan: “Let’s just say, being his enemy is not advisable!”

Me: “So why did you come here to tell me all of this?”

Joan: “Although God never had a sense of humor, Peter enjoyed some of your work and he wants you to help spread his message.”

Me: “What?”

Joan: “You are the chosen one; the next prophet in the line.”

Me: “How am I supposed to convince people to follow the new Lord? Before tonight, I was an atheist!”

Joan: “Use your blog.”

Me: “My blog is relatively small; it’s not like I have millions of followers!”

Joan: “If you write it, they will come!”

[I laughed.]

Joan: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Nothing; I was just thinking about a movie. What am I supposed to write?”

Joan: “Tell the world that you have received orders from an angel of the Lord Peter.”

Me: “Don’t you think that people might be a little suspicious if I tell them about a new Lord, who just so happens to be named after me?”

Joan: “The Lord is not named after you; you are named after the Lord!”

Me: “That’s true, but what are the laws?”

Joan: “The laws will be revealed to you in story form, every Monday night; from now on, Tuesday’s posts will teach the people how to live according to their new God.”

Me: “Can I at least have some basics?”

Joan: “The Ten Commandments are to be followed. Do not use hard drugs, and use common sense. For those who are incapable, ask someone with common sense for advice!”

Me: “When you say hard drugs, does that include alcohol and marijuana?”

Joan: “The Lord would prefer his followers to stay away from alcohol and marijuana, but they are not sins.”

Me: “So basically, you’re saying that Peter was an alcoholic pothead.”

Joan: “I believe the Lord may have experimented once or twice.”

Me: “I was joking about the pothead thing; that’s crazy!”

Joan: “You should also advise the followers that angels will be proactive from now on; we will take on human forms and interact with the people. Those who fail to behave properly will be sent to Hell. The people may also pray directly to specific angels.”

Me: “How will we be able to determine if someone is an actual angel or just a crazy person? And how will we know the names of each angel?”

Joan: “Treat everyone as if he or she is an angel. Anyone who impersonates an angel will suffer an unimaginable punishment! As far as the names, they will be revealed in the stories.”

Me: “Since I’m the prophet, do I get to have a bunch of wives, or is that against the religion?”

Joan: “I’m not sure; I’ll get back to you on that.”

Me: “What about gays, and the others who are hated by the church?”

Joan: “The Lord does not discriminate; everyone who follows his laws will enter Heaven.”

Me: “What do I call this religion; Peterism?”

Joan: “The followers can name the religion whatever they please; the Lord’s only concern is for people to follow his laws. There will be only one true religion; anyone who fails to recognize the Lord will be sent to Hell.”

Me: “What about those who question my truthfulness?”

Joan: “The Lord understands that it is human nature to question faith; he will work through you and show his greatness. Once the people realize the truth, the word of the Lord will spread throughout the world.”

Me: “This isn’t going to be easy; it might take decades for me to spread the word.”

Joan: “That is not a problem; we have an eternity!”

Me: “What about the end of the world on December 21, 2012?”

Joan: “There is no end, and there will be no Rapture; the Lord will wait patiently until his religion is the one and only faith!”

Me: “I tell the Lord that it is my pleasure to serve him and I look forward to spreading his message!”

Joan: “I will deliver your message, but you can talk to him directly. All you have to do is pray!”

Me: “What about priests?”

Joan: “There is no need for priests; the people can read the lord’s words for themselves and they can talk to God himself, or his angels.”

Me: “I will deliver the message.”

Joan: “I will return tomorrow with the first story!”

[She disappeared.]

Sunday October 23, 2011 marks the day of my first encounter with Joan of Arc!

     Please help me spread the new gospel. For those of you who are skeptical, I understand. It will take time for me to convince people that I speak the truth. For now, this will be my personal burden, but in the future, I may require some donations in order to dedicate my life to my mission! After all this is a Prophet Organization!

Thank You Lord, for allowing me to serve you!



A Lesson