Bagging Up – Episode 4

Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3

INT. MORNING. HOTEL ROOM – TUCSON, ARIZONA

The guys agree to share a large three-bedroom suite, in case someone got lucky. They wake after a long night of jet-lag recovery.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey Phil, order some breakfast; get everything!

PHILIP

Why don’t you order it?

JUDAS

Because you’re the one who is still on punishment for fumbling the rock at the bar.

PHILIP

Again, I didn’t fumble; she wasn’t my type.

BARTHOLOMEW

Never mind; I’ll order.

JUDAS

It’s cool; I got it. Anything but another Phil-planation!

PHILIP

Phil-planation?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, that’s what we call your bullshit excuses!

PHILIP

I don’t have to explain myself to a couple of human Petri dishes. You guys see more STDs than a neighborhood clinic!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Phil, you’re last to shower.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell yeah!

PHILIP

Why is that?

JUDAS

Because you no-ass getting dudes always jerk-off in the shower!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That’s fine. I need to go to the drugstore to pick up some Ajax; there is no way I’m taking a shower after the two of you without giving the bathroom a good scrubbing.

They all laugh. The guys shower and there is a knock at the door. Bartholomew, who is standing closest, holds the door open for the bellhop. The guys tip him before digging in!

BARTHOLOMEW

Not bad!

JUDAS

I’ve had better!

Philip’s phone rings.

PHILIP

Who the hell is this?

JUDAS

Probably some dude you bagged!

Bartholomew and Judas laugh.

PHILIP

Hello?

SIMON

Don’t get excited, I’m not the guy you were expecting.

PHILIP

Where are you? What’s with the weird number?

SIMON

I’m in the middle of nowhere. Leslie picked a bed and breakfast in Maine, I don’t even have WiFi.

PHILIP

No cell phone connection?

SIMON

She “suggested” that I leave my phone at home so we can spend time together with no distractions; I’ve been going crazy. The place doesn’t even have televisions; no football for me this weekend.

PHILIP

Who cares; Michigan sucks anyway! What is this, your one phone call?

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Na, I told her I was going for a walk; this is a prepaid phone I bought before leaving. By the way, you know you’re a FSU fan, right?

Philip laughs and shares the news with the guys.

JUDAS

Tell him to man up!

PHILIP

You hear that?

SIMON

Yeah, that’s why I called you and not either of those idiots.

PHILIP

Hold on a second.

Philip passes the phone to Judas.

JUDAS

How can I help you, ma’am?

SIMON

Shut up. What did James say?

JUDAS

Put Leslie on; I want to tell her that I love her.

SIMON

What did he say, asshole?

JUDAS

We got here late and only saw him for a few minutes; we’re staying the weekend and going back on Monday. He said you’re a bitch!

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Tell him I’ll send some soap-on-a-rope when I get home.

JUDAS

Will do. What’s up with having to sneak away to make a phone call?

SIMON

I don’t know man; I messed up so I have to put up with her nonsense for the weekend.

JUDAS

Don’t tell me you’re shifting in to Matt-Mode?

SIMON

Hell no! Things will be back to normal when we get back. I’m laying it on real thick.

JUDAS

I don’t know; I think you might be slipping.

SIMON

C’mon man, I got this. She’s so gullible; I actually placed my head in my arms and faked like I was crying. She was feeling sorry for ME!

JUDAS

Sweet! You know you’re going to hell for the way you treat her, right?

SIMON

Na, she forgave me; it’s all good. What are you guys going to do in Tucson?

JUDAS

Not sure, but there won’t be any trips to the mall or a spa like you’ll be making today.

Simon laughs.

SIMON

She said we MIGHT go to to the mall; depends if there is enough time!

JUDAS

Whatever you do, don’t check your messages in front of her when you get back, because I’m about to leave the details of your secret phone on your machine as soon as I hang up.

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Never that! Have fun; I’ll be here trying not to kill myself.

JUDAS

Your life sucks, man!

SIMON

Thanks; I appreciate the compliment!

JUDAS

Aight, bitch!

SIMON

Peace!

Judas hangs up the phone.

JUDAS

Looks like he made up for cheating on her; chicks are so dumb.

PHILIP

They’re not dumb; you guys are just assholes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Seems like you’re a little bitter. What happened, some guy break your heart?

Judas and Bartholomew laugh.

PHILIP

I never understand how she always believes him.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s because he never admits the truth; deny deny deny, baby!

JUDAS

It’s so simple!

The guys laugh and Philip shakes his head.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey Phil, you have to make up for the last time; tonight, you’re for the sport.

JUDAS

Hell yeah! You owe us.

PHILIP

There is no way I am sleeping with some random drunk slut with no self esteem; I have standards. I have no idea how you guys ever do for the sport.

JUDAS

Just think of it like driving a car; when you’re drunk, it’s all about automatics — No Standards!

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, absolutely no sticks!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Why is it that men who choose not to sleep with disgusting whores are called gay?

JUDAS

I don’t know Phil; why are you gay?

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

You guys talk a lot, but tonight, I’ll be the one who bags the hottest/classiest woman.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t care if she’s hot or classy; as long you bag someone who doesn’t have a penis, I’ll be satisfied!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Where are we going, by the way?

BARTHOLOMEW

Anywhere that is away from the campus; that’s for sure!

PHILIP

Damn right, I’m not trying to pull a James!

JUDAS

We’re good; I spoke to the concierge and he told me about a great nightclub.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I think it’s called the Babylon Club.

PHILIP

I’m not going there with Frank Lopez-looking Judas; I think Tony Montana might be there!

The guys laugh.

INT. PIMA COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT

The guys have a fun-filled weekend and are able to make it to visiting hours on time. The four men are seated at a table.

JAMES

What did you guys do this weekend?

JUDAS

You go first, you probably had way more fun than us!

BARTHOLOMEW

In fact, you probably did the same thing this one did.

Bartholomew points to Philip and the guys laugh.

JUDAS

W went to a club and it was packed. There were chicks everywhere.

BARTHOLOMEW

For real, I needed a neck brace from all of the whiplash; I can’t believe I’m saying this, but there were too many hot chicks in there!

JAMES

Damn, I didn’t know Tucson had it like that!

BARTHOLOMEW

We had fun, but you wouldn’t have liked it; there were no teens allowed and they were carding at the door.

The guys laugh.

JAMES

Being kicked when you are down is always fun; thanks Bart!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s what I’m here for.

JUDAS

We met some cool chicks and the night was going great until the hottest chick we’ve ever laid eyes on walked in.

JAMES

Who was she?

BARTHOLOMEW

No one knew, we asked the bartender and he said he never saw her before.

JUDAS

She was a legitimate, ten! She was so hot, guys were terrified to approach her. It was like everything paused. Everyone in the club followed her every move.

BARTHOLOMEW

He’s not lying; I think the music even stopped.

JAMES

There is no way she was that hot.

BARTHOLOMEW

Dude, she was hot! How can I describe her to you? Picture Britney Spears, when she was in the Mickey Mouse Club.

JAMES

You never let up do you?

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

All kidding aside, she was unbelievably hot. There was an empty seat next to us and she walked up and sat next to Phil. At first, I thought she was going have a bitchy attitude, but she introduced herself, to us.

BARTHOLOMEW

I must say, it was the first time I was actually jealous of this one.

Again, he points to Philip.

JUDAS

It turns out that she was a fitness instructor from Phoenix. After a few minutes of talking, the chick asked Phil if he wanted to move to one of the couches so they could be more comfortable.

BARTHOLOMEW

I couldn’t believe it!

JAMES

Damn Phil, let me find out you actually have some game.

PHILIP

I told you guys.

James gives Philip a high-five and Bartholomew shakes his head.

JUDAS

For the rest of the night, every guy in the club wanted to be Phil. We bagged some random chicks at the bar and drank the night away.

BARTHOLOMEW

They were pretty hot, too!

JAMES

You sure, or were they beer-goggle hot?

BARTHOLOMEW

Na, I woke up and banged mine again; she was hot for real!

JAMES

Wow, I never heard of a guy who could disappoint a one-night-stand, twice!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

She looked a little pissed off when I passed her in the hallway!

JAMES

Yeah right! She must have been upset by the fact that I added a little more bow to her legs!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Anyway, long story short, Phil hopped into a cab with the hot chick and escorted her back to her hotel for a “night cap!”

JAMES

Damn Phil, you banged the hot chick?

Bartholomew stands up and bangs on the table as he yells out.

BARTHOLOMEW

NO! HE FUCKING FUMBLED THE FUCKING ROCK, AGAIN!

JUDAS

It was a beautiful rock, too; a diamond!

A guard walks over to the guys and warns them to keep it down. James shake his head at Philip.

JAMES

What happened, Phil?

JUDAS

Absolutely nothing! He went back to her room, didn’t make a move and walked out with an e-mail address.

JAMES

Damn Phil! E-mail?

BARTHOLOMEW

Might as well have been a Facebook friend request. It’s gonna take a while for me to get over this; that chick was super hot and one of us could have banged her.

JUDAS

You know what the worst part is? Phil didn’t actually is proud of what he accomplished.

JAMES

What do you think is going to happen, Phil? You live in Boston and she’s in Phoenix; you were supposed to seal the deal!

PHILIP

I like to take things sl…

Before he can finish his defense, Judas jumps in.

JUDAS

If you even think of saying one of your Phil-planations, I will kill you!

James laughs.

JAMES

I like that; Phil-planations!

JUDAS

It’s getting to be unbearable. What happened with this chick?

JAMES

I went to the USC game and ran into this chick from Arizona at a bar. She was hot, but she couldn’t stay long because her ride was leaving. I knew I could bang it so I asked if she had a place for me to sleep if I decided to make a pit-stop in Tucson. She was into it so I had no choice.

JUDAS

Can you honestly tell me this chick didn’t look seventeen?

JAMES

She was developed!

He motions as if he has huge breasts.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, didn’t you notice the sticker on her forehead?

The guys laugh.

JAMES

I met her in a bar, asshole. She ended up staying with me for the night and I rented a car the next day. When we arrived in Tucson, I stopped at the liquor store and she rounded-up her friends for a small dorm party.

BARTHOLOMEW

How can you be around a bunch of ditsy college chicks; what do you even talk about?

JAMES

Let’s just say, I wasn’t there for the conversation!

The guys laugh.

JAMES

Eventually, the party moved across the hall and I banged the little slut all night.

BARTHOLOMEW

So what, three, four minutes?

JUDAS

He said, all night; it had to be at least, twenty!

The guys laugh.

JAMES

Everything was fine, until I woke up to a gun pointed at my head.

BARTHOLOMEW

What?

JAMES

Yeah, it was crazy! I was in bed with this chick and there were Campus Police and Tucson Police and the RA and a bunch of other people; you would have though I was a terrorist or something!

JUDAS

What the hell did they say?

JAMES

I can’t even remember; I just wanted to get dressed. One officer watched me get dressed and they escorted me out. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life; the morning classes were canceled and students were lined up as if they were waiting for the Red Sox rolling Rally to drive by.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Damn, that sucks!

JAMES

Yeah! My lawyer said, I’m pretty much screwed; the chick’s dad works for McCain so the persecutor wants to make a name for himself.

JUDAS

You have the worst luck ever.

BARTHOLOMEW

How does the fact that her father works for a Senator not come up in the conversation; you were with her for a day and a half – which included a long road trip?

JAMES

Do you think I try to get to know these hos? I’m not Phil; I go in with a plan and I complete the mission!

The guys laugh, except for Philip.

JUDAS

So what happens next?

JAMES

My lawyer is trying to get me a plea deal, if they don’t offer me one, I’ll have to go to trial. I’m definitely about to do a major bid.

James’ words shifts the mood; the hard reality of the situation is sobering.

BARTHOLOMEW

Is there anything you need us to do?

JAMES

There isn’t really anything to do; I just have to wait and see. All I can really say is thanks for coming out here and keep in touch.

JUDAS

Of course!

PHILIP

Yeah man, you know we have your back.

BARTHOLOMEW

You can call us collect, anytime.

JAMES

I will definitely do that; I’m going to need the little talks to keep my sanity.

The guard motions for the guys to leave.

JAMES

Looks like visiting time is over.

JUDAS

Be strong, my dude.

JAMES

Thanks, I’ll be good.

The two friends share a man-hug.

PHILIP

I’ll keep praying for you.

JAMES

Thanks; I’ll need the lord to watch over me.

James and Phil share man-hug, as well.

JAMES

Did you just grab my ass?

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Just remember that no means no, even if it’s a guy; don’t become a gay rapist!

The guys laugh.

JAMES

It’s unbelievable; you really can’t stop?

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s what friends are for.

JAMES

Thanks; I mean that!

Bartholomew gives James a real hug.

BARTHOLOMEW

Don’t forget to call!

JAMES

I won’t. I’ll keep in touch! Tell Matt and Simon, I’ll call them.

Bartholomew nods his head, and a guard stands next to James as he watches his friends leave.

                                         [It's A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 5

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Bagging Up – Episode 3

Click here to view previous Episodes: Episode 1  Episode 2

Int. Apartment rented by woman 1.

Simon is passed out in the bed but Woman 1 is wide awake. Simon’s phone continues to ring incessantly. She finally becomes fed up and decides to wake the drunk by rolling him off the bed. (I have no idea what the bedroom of a random bar slut looks like so please forgive me for the lack of description. I am assuming there is some sort of stand with an assortment of condoms somewhere within reach of the bed!)

SIMON

What the hell is wrong with you?

WOMAN 1

It’s annoying when someone interrupts your sleep, right?

SIMON

If you’re a psycho, please just let me leave unharmed.

WOMAN 1

I don’t know who Leslie is but she seems to need to talk to you; your phone hasn’t stopped ringing for the last ten minutes.

SIMON

Damn, why the hell is my phone on?

WOMAN 1

Because you just had to call Phil and let him know that he was super duper gay. As you so eloquently put it, “Ice Cube thinks you’re GAY-YAY-EEE!” You repeated it until he finally hung up on you!

SIMON

Ok, I have to make this call. (He motions for the woman to keep quiet.) SHH!

Simon picks up his phone and reviews the call-log.

SIMON

Jesus! She called twenty three times.

He dials the number.

LESLIE

Why the hell aren’t you opening the door?

SIMON

Hello and good morning to you too!

LESLIE

I’m not playing with you Simon; I’m tired of you being irresponsible. Let me in.

SIMON

Here we go. I’m not home.

LESLIE

What do you mean you’re not home? Where the hell are you?

SIMON

I was too drunk to drive last night so I crashed at Judas’.

There is no response. Simon is worried by the long silence.

SIMON

Hello?

LESLIE

I’m here; I just don’t know what to say. I guess I’ll just be here waiting for you to show up; we definitely need to have a long talk.

SIMON

You don’t have to wait. What time is it; don’t you have to go to work? We can talk later.

LESLIE

No, I didn’t wake up on time because I spent my night waiting for you and worrying that something happened.

SIMON

Sorry, I didn’t plan on drinking so much; I’ll be there soon.

She hangs up without replying.

SIMON

Damn, I don’t even get a goodbye?

WOMAN 1

Was that your girl?

SIMON

Yeah; hold on.

Simon makes another call.

JUDAS

Yo!

SIMON

Hey, if Leslie calls you, tell her that I was too drunk and slept over there. Tell her I just left and I am on my way home.

JUDAS

Where are you; what happened with that chick from yesterday?

SIMON

What do you think. I’m in Needham; she’s gonna be pissed when I get there. This might be the last straw.

JUDAS

That’s great! FREEDOM!

SIMON

Just cover for me if she calls, jackass.

Simon hangs up.

WOMAN 1

Some girlfriends are psycho. All she had to do is call once and leave a message.

SIMON

Yeah, she’s crazy; I gotta go. Thanks for keeping quiet.

WOMAN 1

No problem. Give me a call whenever. And don’t worry, I’ll keep this between us.

SIMON

Thanks! I’ll call you when I get a chance. I’m glad you understand how things are, some woman don’t understand how to let a man relax.

WOMAN 1

I just go with the flow. A lot of people like to talk trash about how I live, but I just do me. If you don’t know me; don’t judge me.

SIMON

Yeah, people are crazy. I guess I’ll be going now. You’re the best. Till next time.

WOMAN 1

Bye.

Simon closes the door and thinks to himself. “What a slut!” He leaves the complex in a hurry and speeds to Boston.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

Judas is in bed waiting for Woman 2 to bring him breakfast in bed. His phone rings.

JUDAS

Hello.

GYM RECEPTIONIST

Hey, it’s Candice; Your ten o’clock is here. Where are you?

JUDAS

FUCK! Ah, tell her I have a family emergency or something. There is no way I can go in right now. In fact cancel all of my appointments for the day.

CANDICE

When do you want me to reschedule each one?

JUDAS

You can move Ms. Carter to tomorrow morning.

His phone beeps.

JUDAS

Hold on Candice, I have someone on the other line.

CANDICE

Ok.

JUDAS

Hello?

LESLIE

Let me talk to Simon.

JUDAS

Sure, just hold on one second. Doo doo doo doo. doo doo doo. Hello.

LESLIE

Yeah, put him on the phone.

JUDAS

I’m sorry, but Simon has instructed me that he does not want to talk to any psychos this morning.

LESLIE

Stop being a jackass and give him the phone.

JUDAS

Let me check again. One Mississippi…sorry, he is incapacitated right now. It appears that the whore who he brought over last night took all of his energy; he is stuck in the bed and my phone cord won’t reach him.

LESLIE

I called your cell asshole; do you always have to be a child?

JUDAS

Why are you such a psycho?

LESLIE

You’re too little to understand; when you grow up I’ll explain what a relationship is.

JUDAS

Oh shit, hold on Psycho Les, I have someone on the other line

He clicks over.

JUDAS

Sorry Candice, I am dealing with a psycho. I’ll call you right back.

She laughs.

CANDICE

Ok, Bye!

Judas clicks back over.

JUDAS

Hey, you still crazy?

LESLIE

Let me talk to Simon.

JUDAS

You see Leslie, let me give you some advice. Simon is a good guy, and I like you; you’re a good chick in a I’ll stalk you, psycho, kind of way. If you call Simon’s cell phone, he will tell you that he is not here; he’s on his way home. Why are you calling me and not him? Oh that’s right. You already called him and you don’t trust him because you are a certified psycho.

LESLIE

Bye!

JUDAS

Hello? Oh well.

He hangs up and yells to the kitchen.

JUDAS

Ma, MEATLOAF. WHAT THE FUCK!

Woman 2 laughs.

WOMAN 2

I’m almost done, Will Farrell.

INT. SIMON’S APARTMENT.

Leslie is even more pissed because Simon took longer than expected. He covered up by saying that he had to drop off Philip who was too hung over to drive. He called Philip during the ride home to cover his story.

LESLIE

I just don’t believe your story. All of a sudden you have to drop-off Phil? You’re lying!

SIMON

See. This is why I don’t tell you anything, because you always accuse me of lying. What’s the point of asking me a question if you’re not going to believe anything I say. You never trust me. Don’t you think it’s embarrassing having you call my friends to check up on me?

LESLIE

I wouldn’t have to call if you stopped playing games.

SIMON

What games. My friend is in jail and I take one night to deal with the shock and you think I’m cheating; this is crazy. Do you think I planned for James to get arrested?

LESLIE

It’s not about James. Could have called.

SIMON

I forgot. It was a mistake; I’m sorry that you are perfect and never make any mistakes, but I am not perfect. I went to a bar because of James. Why can’t you be supportive instead of being suspicious?

LESLIE

Because you lie all the time.

SIMON

Oh my fucking god. I go hang out with friends and you think I’m out bagging some slut and going to her house to bang her; do you understand how ridiculous that sounds. When something tragic happens, people get drunk and forget to call. You’re starting to act like Michelle.

Simon stands up from the couch and walks towards the door with his head in his hands.

SIMON

I never question you about anything. I trust you but you can’t trust me. Maybe we’re just not right for each other. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is trying to control my every movement.

His words hit home and Leslie pauses before speaking.

LESLIE

I’m not trying to control you. You’re always putting your friends ahead of me. Maybe you’re right about us.

Simon realizes that his ploy isn’t working. It seems as if Leslie won’t put up with his shenanigans anymore.

SIMON

We’re all going to Arizona to visit James, maybe after some time to think, we can discuss our future.

Leslie thinks carefully before answering.

LESLIE

This relationship is more important to me than you visiting your idiot friend who got arrested for being a perv. You can go to Arizona if you want, but I won’t be here when you come back. You can support your friend or work on us.

She stands up and walks to the door.

LESLIE

Let me know what you decide.

The door closes before Simon can respond.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

The guys meet up before the trip to Arizona.

JUDAS

So, what ended up happening with Leslie.

Philip

Yeah, did she finally leave your cheating ass!

SIMON

She’s pissed. I tried to flip it on her and make it seem like she was the one who is wrong, but she wasn’t going for it. If I want to stay with her, I can’t go to Arizona.

BARTHOLOMEW

What? What happened?

SIMON

She called this morning and I was still at the chicks house all the way in Needham. I think she wanted to break up, but I’ll make up for it this weekend.

BARTHOLOMEW

So, you’re not going to see James?

SIMON

Na, I’d rather fix this the easy way than have to come back and work hard to get her to forgive me.

JUDAS

Was that chick pissed that you had to leave in a hurry?

SIMON

No way. She was the perfect slut. She actually was on my side.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

Yo, why does every slut say the same thing? “I’m just doing me and no one can judge me!” Are these chicks insane?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I hear that all the time.

SIMON

I met the chick and smashed it a few hours later, then she listened quietly as I lied to my girl.

BARTHOLOMEW

Sounds like a typical ho to me.

PHILIP

Do you hear yourselves? You guys are sluts too!

SIMON

Yeah, but we admit it. Judge me all you want, I gets it in!

BARTHOLOMEW

Exactly. These chicks always talking about a double standard. If you do what I do, you’re a fucking slut like me; shut the fuck up with that double standard nonsense!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Sometimes, these chicks talk about us being dogs, but they are out here breaking their own hearts. I’m not going to feel bad because I have my shit together and I know what I want. Yes, one day I may want to settle down, but not today!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

What do you mean they break their own hearts?

BARTHOLOMEW

I met this chick once. I told her that it was not a relationship and all about having fun. She agreed, then started getting pissed that I wasn’t treating her right. I felt bad at first but then I became angry because I felt she was out of line for breaking our agreement. Yes, there might be a slight chance for something to develop, but most likely not. I understand that sex is special to some people, but I can just bang and keep it moving. Those who can’t handle such situations should not get involved with people like me. That chick ended up breaking her own heart!

PHILIP

Yeah that makes sense, but Simon turned his chick into a psycho with all his cheating.

SIMON

It’s all good. Things will be back to normal by Monday.

JUDAS

By the way, I would like to take the time to thank Phil for fumbling the rock Wednesday night; that chick was a freak.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah?

JUDAS

Hell yeah! She even cooked me breakfast in the morning. She is definitely on the team for the foreseeable future.

PHILIP

She wasn’t my type.

The door bell rings.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thank god. I can’t take another lesson in hot chicks who aren’t Phil’s type!

The guys laugh and Judas buzzes the door open.

SIMON

I’ll be in the bedroom; I have to call Leslie so we can make some pans for our weekend of “fun!”

JUDAS

Damn, you’re starting to sound like Matt. We’ll tell all the hos in Tucson that you were too busy to enjoy their hospitality, if you know what I mean!

SIMON

Tell them I’ll be down there on the next trip.

Simon enters the bedroom and Matthias walks into the room.

BARTHOLOMEW

He escaped. Maybe you should go down and teach James how to sneak out of jail!

Everyone laughs except for Matthias. Simon pokes his head out of the bedroom.

SIMON

GOOD ONE! What’s up Matt.

Matthias nods his head and Simon shuts the door.

MATTHIAS

Same old corny jokes.

JUDAS

What are you doing here; I thought you couldn’t go?

MATTHIAS

I can’t; I just wanted to swing by and see what the plans were.

JUDAS

We’re still working on the plans. We can’t figure out how to get you to start wearing the pants in your marriage!

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

SO, everyone is going?

PHILIP

Simon can’t go either; Leslie is pissed cause he ditched her for some slut at the bar.

MATTHIAS

That guy will never learn.

JUDAS

I hope not; we don’t need another whipped guy in this crew.

MATTHIAS

Being married has nothing to do with being whipped.

JUDAS

I don’t know how you and Simon put up with all the relationship bullshit. How do you find these crazy women.

BARTHOLOMEW

They didn’t find them. The cheating creates the psychos.

MATTHIAS

I don’t cheat.

JUDAS

Not anymore. Michelle will never forget all the late night “study sessions” while you were in law school.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

I’m not getting into all that. I just wanted to wish you guys luck, I have to head back to the office for a meeting. let me know if Matt needs any help.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re a lawyer, why don’t you go down there and yell “OBJECTION” or something?

MATTHIAS

I do patent law; not criminal, jackass!

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Ok, I’m outta here!

He exits. A few minutes later, Simon returns from the bedroom.

JUDAS

Did she tell you to jump off a bridge?

SIMON

Nope, we’re going up to Maine for the weekend; I’ll be back in her good graces by tomorrow afternoon.

JUDAS

This is the third time that Leslie is keeping you from a trip; you have to control the relationship. You’re on the path to being whipped like Matt.

SIMON

Hell no! I’ll never be like that.

JUDAS

I don’t know man, three major offenses, not to mention the thousands of small offenses. Bad news buddy, it’s three and out. It’s fourth down; time to punt that bitch!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I’ll think about it. I gotta go; tell James to keep it tight!

He leaves and the guys laugh.

INT. PIMA COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT.

The flight was delayed and the guys arrived a few minutes before the end of visiting hours. They are seated at a table with James.

JAMES

Thanks for showing up on time. What was the point of coming if you weren’t going to get here during visiting hours?

JUDAS

“Thanks for taking time to fly down to Tucson to visit me; you guys are great friends.” Don’t mention it.

BARTHOLOMEW

It wasn’t our fault. I think someone had a bottle of shampoo in their carry-on or something. You know how careful we have to be these days.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Don’t worry, we decided to stay for the weekend and return on Monday. What happened?

JAMES

I’ll give you guys all the details on Monday, We only have like five minutes. What happened to Simon and Matt?

BARTHOLOMEW

The bosses said they couldn’t come.

JAMES

I wish I had a boss to tell me not to come; this shit is the worst!

JUDAS

What’s good, you been getting ass in here?

JAMES

Fuck you!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

For real though, is it scary in there?

JAMES

Na, it’s not too bad; you just have to be careful. I hear the prison is pretty serious cause it’s all about gangs. I met some guys from the Bloods so I guess I have to become a member to keep safe.

JUDAS

Are you going to kill someone to become a member or are you going to get sexed-in?

JAMES

You’re an asshole; thanks for being serious in this difficult time of my life.

JUDAS

No problem; that’s what friends are for. I gave the guard a bag with condoms and lube, so you should be good for a while.

JAMES

Thanks. On the real though, I will need one of you to keep my commissary stacked; the money is in my stash. All you would have to do is keep sending me some whenever I call.

PHILIP

Yeah, that’s not a problem. I’ll take care of it.

The guard motions for them to wrap it up.

BARTHOLOMEW

Do you want to hear a joke before we leave?

JAMES

Sure, whatchu got?

BARTHOLOMEW

Knock knock.

JAMES

Who’s there?

BARTHOLOMEW

Who.

JAMES

Who who?

BARTHOLOMEW

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

JAMES

What’s that supposed to be; the horn signaling time is up?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! It’s how your farts will sound from now on with all the gay sex you are about to have!

The guys all laugh.

JAMES

You’re an idiot. I’ll see you guys on Monday!

James is escorted by the guards and the guys leave.

                                           [It's A Wrap!]

@peteTeix617

Episode 4