Misinformed Children

When it comes to being creative and pushing the envelope, I’m all about allowing artists to use their creativity to entertain their fellow human beings, but there has to be some accountability. As a society, we need to educate the children before we poison their minds with ridiculous notions. Although I am an atheist, I think religion can play a role in setting a moral foundation for the youth of the world. (Just as long as we allow children to find their own way once they realize that religion is nonsensical!)

Abraham Lincoln is one of my favorite presidents; I believe I ranked him in my top five, in a previous post. (You can read the post here: President’s Day.) There are many reasons to choose Abraham Lincoln as a favorite. First of all, he wore a great top hat. (You’re definitely a complete ass if you don’t respect a man in a top hat!)

Lincoln is famous for his Emancipation Proclamation in which he set out to free all slaves, but failed miserably. I say he failed because the number of slaves freed by the document was a total of zero! (I would explain, but I think people should do their own research!)

That being said, Lincoln is responsible for ending slavery so he is a man to be admired. Lincoln also was assassinated which clearly means he was a man of great honor. (No one was trying to assassinate President George W. Bush!)

Lincoln will always be named when people talk about their favorite president’s; he is on the five dollar bill and the penny, so his memory isn’t going anywhere. Unfortunately for the children of the future, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, will forever be remembered for something which is completely ridiculous.

Thanks to irresponsible Hollywood big wigs, Abraham Lincoln will be remembered for his tenacity as a vampire slayer. “WHAT?” Yes, you read that correctly; Abraham Lincoln will forever be known as a vampire slayer.

I’m sure most people have seen the advertisements for the new movie and chuckled, but this is not a laughing matter. There will come a day when those of you who have children will ask about a favorite President and the answer will seem reasonable at first. Once you delve deeper and ask, “why;” you will be floored by the answer. Your innocent, dumbass of a child, will say, “I like Abraham Lincoln because he killed all the bad vampires!” I wouldn’t wish such a moment on my worst enemy, but there is no turning back; the film will be released soon and history will forever be tainted. (As a History major, I cried when I walked into the movie theatre and saw a poster for the Lincoln vampire movie!)

Do your part and help educate a child by not watching this abomination!


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Un-Happy Endings

This post was inspired by the movie The Adjustment Bureau. I never watched the film but it was on while I was taking a nap and I caught some of the ending. What actually happened in the film is of little significance, what really matters is the fact that a man was engaged to be married and the “hero” steals his girl. (I apologize for not saying spoiler alert!)

The audience is fooled into believing that the story ended happily, but no one seems to care about the guy who spent at least a few years of his life building a “loving” relationship with a lying whore who never loved him in the first place. This “bad guy” did everything the correct way and just when he thinks he is about to marry the woman of his dreams, she is ripped away from him. (We live in a cruel world!)

I guess if you really consider the situation, the man is better off because the woman was not “the one.” Why doesn’t anyone care about these so called “insignificant characters” who always lose the girl in the end? I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t consider such nonsense to be a happy ending. In some cases, the writer will create a love interest for ”Mr. Second Place” but that’s no consolation. He put in the time and he should be able to keep his bride to be. (Even if she did turn out to be a whore!)

My favorite Mr. Second Place is Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. Although he wanted Belle by force, he deserved her. There were plenty women in the town who threw themselves at Gaston, but he only had eyes for Belle. To me, his dedication should have been rewarded, but instead, the asshole Beast who held “crazy old Maurice” in his tower as a prisoner, and then swapped him for Belle ends up with the girl. What a disgrace! Honestly, the jackass didn’t even allow Belle to say goodbye to her father. (I don’t think I can ever forgive the beast for the way he treated Maurice!)

Another perfect example of Mr. Second Place getting the short hand of the stick is in the movie The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman who plays the character “Ben” starts the movie by banging Mrs. Robinson, then he has the nerve to fall in love with her beautiful daughter. What a piece of shit! Not only do I feel sorry for Mr. Second Place, but this Ben guy also destroys Mr. Robinson’s life. He starts the movie by being a home wrecker, and then stops the lovely wedding that Mr. Robinson paid for with his hard earned money. I can’t see how this can be considered a happy ending! (The movie should have been called Mr. Robinson’s Life Sucks!)

To top things off, Ben walks off with the girl after Mr. Second Place kissed his bride at the altar. (That’s just cold!) If you are going to stop a wedding, the least you can do is have the decency to get there before the guy kisses his bride to be; it’s just common courtesy. They say chivalry is dead, but I think it is decorum which is no longer practiced. (This movie crossed the line!)

Sadly, it is not only the men who have to suffer this heart-wrenching fate. In the movie The Wedding Planner, J-Ho J-Lo was hired to plan the wedding for Mrs. Second Place. J-Lo came highly recommended, but the whore ends up falling in love with and stealing the groom to be. What is this world coming to; how the hell are we supposed to think this movie had a happy ending? Am I missing something here? The conniving, back-stabbing wedding planner was hired because of her professionalism, but whoever recommended her must have forgotten to include the fact that she has a propensity to steal the groom to be! (If this incident occurred in real life, the wedding planner would have been called a home wrecking whore, but in Hollywood, she’s a great catch. (I call bullshit!)

It’s time for the viewing public to demand better from the writers. There is no need to cause such suffering to innocent human beings. We have a duty to change what is considered a happy ending; no one deserves to suffer such indignity!

I wait for the day when the “hero” attempts to steal the love interest from Mr. Second Place, but she decides to do the honorable thing and marries the deserving fellow. Mr. Second Place has suffered long enough.

To Hollywood, I say keep your “happy endings” and give me a story that I can feel good about! Until then, I guess I’ll have to continue frequenting the local massage parlors in order to get a true “happy ending!”

Thank “god” for Groupon!


Why My Friends Don’t Like “god”

HBO is airing a new documentary called God is the Bigger Elvis. Obviously, I had to watch it and the film caused me to feel cheated. Allow me to explain.

I grew up in a large Catholic community. Sunday mass was filled with thousands of people. In addition to the regular mass, the church also had a children’s mass in the lower chapel. I don’t have any exact numbers, but there had to be over fife-hundred kids in attendance.

Everyone talked about loving their lord and savior, but as I look back, I feel as if it was all a farce.

God is the Bigger Elvis is about a former actress named Delores Hart. Deloris starred in her first film, opposite Elvis Presley and her career took off. She went on to great fame, starring alongside Robert Redford and Marlon Brando, until her life completely changed in 1963. That’s the year she broke her engagement to a famous actor and gave her life to “god.” Delores joined The Abbey of Regina Laudis, in Connecticut, and has been there ever since. Today, she is Mother Prioress and is the second in command of the order.

Even “god” gets sloppy seconds

     This is a woman who had all of the fame and fortune that most people dreamed, but she loved her lord more. “How does this make me feel as if I’ve been cheated?” It’s simple. Where the hell is the person from my generation who is in love with “god?” Why the hell didn’t any of my friends give their lives to serve the lord? I demand an explanation!

There is no way in hell that “god” exists. If there was a “god,” I would think that at least one of the thousands and thousands of children, who attended Sunday school with me, would give their lives to the church. Are the children of Roxbury and Dorchester not up to the standards of the Catholic Church? (Maybe it’s the fact that the scandal is rampant in the Church! ***I won’t go into any of the specific details, but thankfully, the child abuse scandal never reached our neck of the woods. Unless you think there is something inappropriate about a priest braiding the hair of the male youth! {For the record, I never got my hair braided!}***)

How can one possibly explain this “coincidence?” Why hasn’t “god” called upon the youth of Roxbury’s St Patrick’s Church to serve him? Does “god” hate us? Did we do something wrong?

I’ll make everyone a promise. If, in thirty years, “god” doesn’t call at least one of my contemporaries to serve his church, I will become a priest. Of course, my calling will not be real. (Kind of like every other priest or none, except for the fact that I will know that it’s all a bunch of bull!)

I will act like I was called to serve the church and I will enter the priesthood. (If you love your church, you will do everything possible to prevent this from happening!) I would not be a good servant of the lord. I would definitely abuse my powers. “What do you mean abuse the powers; give me an example.” OK. For one, I will listen to confessions, learn which of the women committed adultery and then I would sleep with the whores! (C’mon, it doesn’t get much easier than that!)

I’m just kidding, I would never waste my life living in a church and pretending to believe in mythical nonsense. That being said, I am not kidding about feeling cheated. Seriously, where the hell are the new school priests and nuns?

There is still hope for all of the promiscuous people out there; the church does not care about your past. In the documentary one of the nuns, named Sister John Mary, continues to attend regular AA meetings and also suffered from drug addiction. (I would love to see this group of nuns play, Never Have I Ever!)

On a somewhat related subject, if there are any women in the Los Angeles area who gave up sex for lent, hit me up on Easter Sunday. I gave up condoms and I’m ready to have some random, meaningless protected sex!

Can someone please give their lives to “god?” Pretty Please! I want be able to say that I grew up with a priest or nun. Honestly, it’s not fair. I don’t want to be a member of the “Un-Called” generation! Anyway, since I brought up the documentary, allow me to share some thoughts.

I found it weird that one of the nuns said that sex is more complicated than people may think and that they have a different type of sex life. I also found it weird that Sister Delores’ ex-fiancé has continuously visited her on a regular basis for the past forty-seven years. I also don’t get the fact that they walk around the grounds, holding hands, and then kiss on the lips before he leaves. What is really going on? Is she two-timing “god?” She better not be; we all know how jealous that guy is!

Could you imagine “god” taking this the Mother Prioress on the Maury Povich Show for a lie-detector test? I can! It would probably go something like this:

Just kidding! I don’t feel like going there again. “What am I talking about?” You wonder. Read this previous post to find out. Virgin Birth

If anyone plans on loving their “god,” please give me a heads up. I would love to help you make the transformation! Don’t be a selfish person!


This Actually Happened – March 24th, 2012

One Minor Step In The Right Direction

Earlier this week, I mentioned the discovery of a great Chinese takeout establishment. We returned on Friday to sample some more of the good stuff, and boy was it good. When we finished ordering, the woman asked us for our autographs. Did we get discovered? NO! We each used our debit cards and the woman needed our signatures in order to complete the transaction. Personally, I thought her quirky way of asking for our signatures was simply wonderful. We didn’t make it, yet, but we are well on our way! By the way, if you were wondering, I paid attention to the restaurants’ name; it’s called Good China! That transaction receipt is going to be worth more than the woman can imagine! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

I will be tuned-in to the NCAA tourney this weekend. I will only be a fan, because my bracket is probably the worst ever. If you made some great picks, congrats!



Second Day: LA

Today was apartment hunt day. (It was also get your ass kicked by jetlag day!) Prior to the trip, we split the city into two quadrants: North LA and South LA. Our Hotel is located in our North LA quadrant, and one of our friends lives in the area. At the start of apartment hunt day, we basically came to the conclusion that apartment day two, South LA, didn’t make any sense; we wanted to live in the North LA quadrant. The vibe of the city is unbelievable and I can’t wait to return. (The countless hours of research were rendered pointless!)

***This jetlag thing really sucks!***

     Long story short, we found some great places and we plan on living in the area North of LA. We drove around and loved the neighborhoods. We met some more great people, who were all extremely courteous and helpful. The prices are perfect and we almost feel like this city is home!

We have gathered enough information, which has been converted into copious notes. Deciding on which apartment/house will eventually be called home is a process which will be completed when we return to Boston. (The selection is plentiful!)

With the apartment hunt completed, we turned day two into tourist day! We traveled to Hollywood, which is fairly close to our target area. We parked in the main lot, which was centrally located.

**I must warn the people who live in the Boston area; you should sit down for this one!**

     The first two hours only cost $2. (There is no typo; it only costs $2 dollars to park in the center of Hollywood!) If that isn’t amazing enough, the maximum you can pay for the entire day, is $10! (We couldn’t believe it!)

Like all good tourists, we purchased fanny packs! (Just kidding!) We entered the Wax Museum and walked through the exhibits. For an extra $2, we gained entrance into the Guinness Book of World’s Records Museum, as well. We then decided to have some sushi which, of course, was delicious.

@Efidalgo12 decided to have his palm read, which was an experience, I guess! I can’t comment because I was asked to patiently wait outside while she performed her, scam, I mean “miracle,” as she put it!

When the magic was over, she asked me if I wanted a turn. I respectfully declined, but when she was persistent and asked again. I replied, “Sorry, I am an atheist and I don’t believe in this.” (I wanted to add the word nonsense, but I decided to be nice!) She understood my position and we left. This world is small, indeed.

While sitting in a chair and waiting for the magic show to end, I was approached by a mother and her daughter. They apologized for being forward, and blamed it on being from the East Coast, which caused me to mention that I was from Boston. (It turns out the woman grew up in Roxbury!)

We walked around a little more and discovered something wonderful. There was a guy who had a large set of speakers and a microphone. He was standing on the busiest corner in Hollywood and yelling at the passersby. He wanted them to listen to the word of the “lord!” The guy shouted for people to believe in Jesus or else they were headed to Hell. My favorite line was when he said, statistics show that there are two hundred and fifty thousand people who have entered eternity! (I kid you not!)

I don’t know what is more amazing, the fact that he had this elaborate set up, or the fact that he had disciples who were helping him hand out followers. We actually stood there for twenty minutes or so, laughing our asses of, while he yelled to the young ladies. He wanted them to give their lives to Jesus and stop living in sin. *I have some video footage, which I will try to post on the blogs Facebook page soon! The hotel’s Wi-Fi, is some new form of dialup/broadband hybrid!*

The insanity level was a little too high so we made the decision to have some drinks at Hooters. (It’s the best way to get all that Jesus talk out of your head!) Hooters was cool; way better than the Coconut Grove Hooters we ate at during my visit to Miami. (Read about that wonderful experience in this previous post! The Greatest Rapper Ever Is Not Dead)

We spent an hour and a half at Hooters then returned to the strip. I couldn’t believe my eyes, and ears. The crazy Jesus guy was still on the corner, yelling at the pedestrians and motorists. His number of disciples grew and they continued to harass the “sinners.” While walking by, one believer handed me a flier, but I respectfully declined. He wondered why, and I replied, “I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in Jesus.”

Here is our conversation, which I was excited to participate in, until I realized that he was an imbecile.

Jesus Freak’s Disciple (JFD): “Why don’t you believe in ‘god’?”

Me: “Because there is no ‘god’!”

JFD: “What do you think happens when you die?”

Me: “Nothing! You just die and that is the end!”

JFD: “Are you willing to gamble with your soul?”

Me: “Yes! I’ll be fine!”

JFD: “Let me ask you something. Do you like your eyes?”

Me: “Sure.”

JFD: “Let me have your eyes for ten thousand dollars.”

Me: “No, I need my eyes!”

JFD: “What about ten million?”

Me: “No, I need my eyes.”

JFD: “You care about your eyes more than your soul?”

Me: “I need my eyes while I am on earth. You can have my eyes for free, when I die.”

[His example was pure nonsense, so I decided to walk away.]

JFD: “Turn to Jesus and don’t gamble with your soul.”

Me: “I’ll be OK!”

[The End!]

I honestly don’t care what others believe, but these are the types of people which necessitate the term, religious freaks!

**I finally downloaded the clip. I’ll post it on Facebook, after I post this entry!**

     Tomorrow will be Tourist Day Two!