The Search Goes On

Initially, I wanted to write about a negative aspect of atheism. Unlike the people who believe in heaven and hell, I understand that there is no judgment day coming to the “piece-of-shits” of the world. People like Saddam Hussein, his son Uday, and all of the other evildoers will never have to suffer for the terror they unleashed upon this earth. I can go on and on, but I think this is a simple point to understand. This fact sucks! (I know that some people go to prison and others receive the death penalty, but there should be more. I’m for torture!)

The reason I will not elaborate on my point, is because today happened. I met a real piece-of-shit and I feel like writing about him.

One of the best things about living in Boston was the fact that I had several reliable and honest mechanics that were always there to help keep me on the road. Here in Los Angeles, I am still searching for such an individual.

A couple weeks ago, my car began to make a noise whenever I turned the steering wheel. I didn’t think it was a big deal; figuring all I needed was some power steering fluid. The car was due for an oil change so I waited a day and asked the mechanic to check my fluids.

To my surprise, the mechanic said the power steering level was fine. That was a red flag and I made the decision to avoid his shop in the future. (He really seemed like an honest guy!) I did some research online and found a shop which seemed pretty dependable.

The mechanic placed my car on the lift and immediately noticed some leaking power steering fluid. It was great that he found the problem, but his quote seemed a little high. I went home and looked up the price of the part and it turned out that the mechanic wasn’t lying. (He even gave me a discount after completing the repair; I guess he wanted a customer for life!)

My car was running great and I thought everything was fine. Until my check engine light came on the following day. I’m not gullible so I immediately thought there may have been come foul play going on.

{Completely off topic: DON’T YOU WISH WOMEN CAME WITH A CHECK VAGINA LIGHT? That would be awesome! Hey doc; her check vagina light came on, time for a new one?}

     I had to return to the shop because the mechanic didn’t have enough time to complete the free alignment that was a part of the repair, so I had him check out the engine. He found that a part needed to be replaced on my engine and quoted me around six hundred and fifty dollars for the part plus another two hundred for labor.

I said I would return when I was ready to have him make the repair. The first thing I did was drive home and search for the part, online. Unbelievably, I found the same part for thirty-eight bucks! WHAT A PIECE-OF-SHIT!

I guess this guy assumed he won my trust with the first repair, but he definitely must be a moron because we live in the information age. HOW DOES THIS IDIOT NOT KNOW ABOUT GOOGLE? Needless to say, I will not be returning to his shop! The search for an honest mechanic continues!

***If you’re a mechanic and you live in Los Angeles, and you are not a piece-of-shit, please let me know the location of your shop so I can bring you some business!***

I would ask if anyone in the Los Angeles area knew of a great mechanic, but I don’t want to end up being mad at a mechanic and the jackass who referred him! (Is it sexist to assume mechanics are men?)


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The Tradition

Read the first three installments in the series prior to this post.  Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws

Joan returned once again, but this time, she appeared sans the scary costume. On this night, her mission was to reveal a new tradition to the world.

Here is our conversation.

Joan: “The Lord wants me to deliver his idea for a new tradition. He understands that it may take decades for his followers to make the necessary adjustments, and he is patient.”

Me: “That sounds great. I can’t wait to hear the plan.”

Joan: “The first message, which I am to deliver, is about Christmas. From this day forth, Christmas will be considered a form of devil worship.”

Me: “That makes perfect sense. Honestly, Christmas has been all about gifts and not about Jesus.”

Joan: “Christmas is the quintessential example of how poorly Jesus delivered the past God’s message. Even though Jesus created a lot of false claims, the people did a great job of screwing up his story. First of all, Jesus was not born on December 25th. Some idiot decided to use the date, which was a former pagan celebration. Saturnalia celebrated the birth of the pagan sun god. The authoritative figures decided to keep the day, and change the tradition.”

Me: “So when was Jesus’ real birthday?”

Joan: “Jesus was born to the virgin Mary on April 17th, in the year 6CE. He arrived a few minutes before midnight.”

Me: “I thought Jesus’ birth marked the year zero.”

Joan: “No, they got that wrong as well. The Lord is adamant about removing Jesus from the new faith. Anno Domini (AD) and Before Christ (BC) will not be allowed. The Common Era (CE) and Before the Common Era (BCE) are to be used.”

Me: “April 17th? I think I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel which made the same claim.”

Joan: “Yeah, those scholars figured out the correct date.”

Me: “You know I was born on April 18th, right?”

Joan: “Yes! Moses and Mohammad were also born on April 18th. Jesus was supposed to be born on the 18th, but something went wrong; it should have been a sign.”

Me: “Damn, so nothing went right during Jesus’ time on earth?”

Joan: “No, he was a complete failure. His message actually almost raised his following to equal the Lord’s. Jesus did some horrible things while he inhabited the earth.”

Me: “What kind of things?”

Joan: “Jesus was the typical guy; he couldn’t keep away from the ladies.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Joan: “Yes. Jesus had an insatiable desire to sleep with every beautiful woman. He often abused the powers which were bestowed upon him by the former Lord.”

Me: “Jesus was a player?”

Joan: “To say the least. He would always perform miracles to impress the ladies. The stories about walking on water and turning water into wine were all true; he did it for the women.”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I always figured a man with all those powers would abuse them, somehow, but I never expected Jesus to be a man-whore.”

Joan: “He also made plenty of enemies because of his vice. If a married woman rejected Jesus’ advances, he would cause her to become ill, with an incurable disease. Obviously, the woman would turn to Jesus for a miracle and he would strike a deal; he offered to cure the woman for a night in the sack.”

Me: “Damn, that’s not cool.”

Joan: “Everyone disliked his behavior, but the apostles did their best to hide Jesus’ major character flaw.”

Me: “So they purposely kept the stories about his sexual trysts from the gospels?”

Joan: “For the most part, they did, but there were a few apostles who included the truth. Their books were omitted from the official Church Cannon.”

Me: “Wow, imagine how different the world would be if everyone knew the truth.”

Joan: “The world will be a different place, once we implement the new changes.”

Me: “Am I going to receive any special powers, so I can prove that the message I am delivering is indeed from the Lord?”

Joan: “I am not sure, if the Lord decides to give you powers, I suggest you don’t abuse them.”

Me: “I’ll do my best, but it will be tempting to be selfish.”

Joan: “I’m sure you’ll be able to control yourself.”

Me: “Since there is no longer any Christmas day, what will be the new major celebration?”

Joan: “The Lord’s day will be celebrated on October 23rd.”

Me: “That’s the first day you appeared to me.”

Joan: “It also marks the day of St. Peter’s birthday.”

Me: “What should the day be named?”

Joan: “The Day of the Rock.”

Me: “Perfect, since Peter means rock.”

Joan: “Exactly.”

Me: “What will the tradition be?”

Joan: “Every family is to place a large rock in the home; the rock will replace the tree. People are free to celebrate the rock as they please.”

Me: “Is Christmas the only celebration which is banned?”

Joan: “No! Lent is also forbidden. Jesus never spent forty days fasting in the desert. Jesus arrived at a village with his apostles and he tricked the women into following him into the desert for what he called a fasting. He said that he would prove to his followers that faith in him will allow them to survive any hardships. He led the women into the desert and had an orgy for forty days. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but there was no water except for his trouser fountain, if you get the picture!”

Me: “That guy was something else; definitely no more lent. Basically, we’re pretty much not going to celebrate anything that has to do with Jesus.”

Joan: “When people say, ‘what would Jesus do,’ they will be referring to making an evil decision.”

Me: “So we can say, ‘Osama Bin Laden asked himself, what would Jesus do before 9/11’?”

Joan: “Precisely!”

Me: “Do you have any more details?”

Joan: “The Lord wanted to avoid turning his day into a marketing holiday, but he understands the ways of the human being. Gifts will be allowed for children and special adults. The Lord wants any gift handed to someone on his day to be considered extremely special. Diamonds will be the preferred gift.”

Me: “Is that because they are called rocks?”

Joan: “Yes, and for the fact that Diamond is the birthstone for April; the month of the prophet. The Lord wants April 18th to be another celebrated day. It will be known as Prophet’s Day.”

Me: “Wow, we get our own day? That is amazing.”

Joan: “As far as the other holidays, people are free to celebrate as they see fit; except for Christian holidays, of course. Passover can remain a major holiday. People, who were formerly Muslim, may follow their old traditions, as well.”

Me: “What about Halloween? I know some religious nus believed that the holiday was associated with the devil.”

Joan: “Christmas is the devil’s day; Halloween is fine. The Lord is all about people enjoying themselves. I have another suggestion. The Lord didn’t say anything about this, but if people want to celebrate my birthday, on January 6th, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.”

Me: “I’ll be sure to mention the day and do my best to promote St. Joan’s Day!”

Joan: “Thank you!”

Me: “If anyone deserves their own day, it’s you.”

Joan: “The Lord understands the human traditions and He wants to take control of the marketing. The Lord decided to leave the creation of the myth, to you.”

Me: “What does he want me to create?”

Joan: “He wants you to create a myth which is better than the Santa Clause story. Teaching children to follow the Lord is essential to any faith.”

Me: “Are there any specific details I should include?”

Joan: “Just tie the story into October 23rd, and make it a great story. The lesson of acting properly should be conveyed through fear. The children must be afraid to misbehave, or else, there must be a penalty. The story should be ready for my visit next week.”

Me: “I’ll do my best!”

Joan: “I’m sure you will; I’ll see you next week.”

Joan disappeared.



The Myth

A Lesson

Heaven’s Angels

***If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, you won’t understand what this entry is about!***

     As expected, Joan returned the following evening. After some unmentionable activity, she revealed the word of the Lord.

Joan: “Before we discuss the laws, I want to talk about responsibility. The old God was patient with his prophets; he gave them the freedom to spread his message as they saw fit. Our new Lord will not accept insubordination.”

Me: “You don’t have to worry about that, I will dedicate my life to spreading his word.”

Joan: “Let me tell you a story about a man named Tom.”

Me: “Is this a story about one of God’s laws?”

Joan: “No! This is about your duties as a prophet. Tom was a regular fellow. His upbringing was normal; he came from a typical American family. Tom studied hard in school and landed a wonderful job at an Ivy League University. He was a hard worker who eventually earned a promotion to head the housing department. After four years on the job, Tom was asked to train a new assistant, Kelly; she was also a hard worker. The School’s President wanted Kelly to know everything about the job, in case Tom was unable to make it to work, on any given day. Tom thought it was a great idea, and for an entire month, he taught Kelly everything he knew. At the end of the month, the President asked Tom if Kelly was well trained. He answered, ‘She knows everything that I know.’ The President’s response was simple and cold. ‘Great; you’re fired and Kelly is your replacement’!”

Me: “That’s cold!”

Joan: “It’s practical. Tom made it to the top and lost the drive to continue working hard. Don’t make the same mistake; continue to carry out your mission, or you’ll be replaced.”

Me: “Message received; poor Tom. What about my question about the wives?”

Joan: “Definitely a big NO, on that one!”

Me: “Damn! Oh well.”

Joan: “Usually, the laws will be delivered to you in a story, but today I will allow you an opportunity to impress me; you will be asked to figure out the proper outcome.”

Me: “Ok; I think I’m up for the challenge!”

Joan: “Picture Dominique; she is young and has made a commitment to wait until she is married until she has intercourse. One night, Dominique walks home from a hard day on the job. She strolls through a nearby park and admires the bright stars illuminating the sky. Suddenly, an attacker appears from behind a large oak tree and savagely rapes her. The incident is the worst experience of her life. Adding lemon juice to the paper-cut, she discovers that she is pregnant. Do you think she should be allowed to have an abortion?”

Me: “In that instance, I would say it is completely up to her; no one can make that decision for her, especially not some former member of the Hitler youth, who now runs the Vatican!”

Joan: “The truth of the matter is, the woman is going to Hell regardless of her decision. The Bible clearly states that premarital-sex is a sin!”

Me: “WHAT? Are you kidding me?”

Joan: “Yes!”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “This isn’t the old God; the new Lord operates under common sense!”

Me: “Thank God!”

Joan: “As far as the Lord is concerned, a fetus is not a child; those who have abortions will not end up in Hell. Each woman has the right to make her own decision.”

Me: “You mentioned pre-marital sex; is that allowed?”

Joan: “Are we married?”

[I shook my head.]

Me: “Sorry for the dumb question.”

Joan: “It’s all about treating others with respect; people are free to do as they please. If two consenting adults have sex, so be it – just don’t come praying for a cure if you catch AIDS! The whining can get quite annoying!”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I completely understand; I like this new God!”

Joan: “We all do; it was so boring, before!”

Me: “Yeah, I had no desire to end up in the old Heaven.”

Joan: “Try this example. We have Chris and Tim; they are two gang members. One day, Chris’ younger Brother Mike, who was also in the gang, died at the hands of their rivals. Chris and Tim discovered who the triggermen were, because their girlfriends happened to be at the scene. The two women threatened to leave the men if they didn’t exact revenge. The foursome agreed that Chris and Tim should go out on a mission to kill the murderers. The longtime friends arrived on the enemy’s turf and unleashed a barrage of bullets; three rivals were murdered in cold blood. Years later, the friends left the gang life behind and turned to religion. They asked the Lord for forgiveness and married their girlfriends. The foursome founded an organization designed to prevent violence; they successfully saved thousands of youths from joining gangs. What should be the final judgment for each member of the foursome?”

Me: “I think the women would be forgiven for their involvement, but the men will probably end up in Hell for the murders.”

Joan: “The community work is great but it doesn’t matter because, in the end, each person in the foursome will end up with Jesus! Urging someone to kill is the same as murder. The law is thou shalt not kill; not thou can kill and then make up for it.”

Me: “Damn, that’s cold, but I guess it makes sense.”

Joan: “Avoid gangs, work hard, and listen to your parents.”

Me: “I’m with the whole avoiding gangs and working hard thing, but I have a problem with the listening to parents, part. What about the children whose parents are sinners? I think your stories don’t cover all aspects of life; maybe you need to go back to the drawing board. Why don’t you just give me a list of essential rules and we’ll go from there?”

Joan: “That’s actually not a bad idea. For now, post the story and I’ll talk to the big guy!”

Me: “Another problem I have with your story is that fact that it can actually happen. Aren’t religious stories supposed to be filled with a bunch of nonsense? Where are my impossible, living in a whale and burning down cities, details? Can I add a big gang war, where one gang kills all the members of the other gang, except for one infant who was hidden inside of the trunk of an old Honda? Maybe the baby can grow up and take down the rivals?”

Joan: “No, you can’t add your own details! This isn’t the old religion; we have to pass on information which makes sense.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll make sure people avoid gangs, but I definitely think the list of laws is the way to go.”

Joan: “I’ll let you know what the Lord decides!”

[She exited.]

God willing, there will be a list soon!



The Laws

The Revelation 3D

**********************3D Glasses Are Not Required**********************

[Our story continues from area 4181979.]

I meet Ackley, Cristoforo, and Rodrigo in the secret room. Everyone is re-energized. The tactic meeting is quick. Ackley is the most optimistic, but we all believe the strategy is solid. It is up to me to apply the game plan.

Ackley: “Be brave!”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator will not fail us!”

Rodrigo: “Remember the details! The twins are waiting for your arrival.”

Me: “I understand the responsibility that has been entrusted to me. I will not let disappoint the members of the FPB!”

[I leave and teleport to the VIP Lounge.]

Inside, I find Lu sitting alone.

Me: “Where is G?”

Devil: “He’ll be here shortly, he has to deal with some unrest in the Good Place.”

Me: “Unrest? Big brother always has to take care of business. What happened?”

Devil: “Well, there was a competition between the Christians, Jews, and Muslims. It was called Heaven Idol. There were three groups, varying in number, representing each faith. Obviously, it was a battle of the hymns. The Muslim team number 2, won with their powerful entry, Allah Holla! G is there trying to explain to the Jews and Christians that a hip hop hymn is allowed. They’ve been combing through the bible, looking for an answer, for a while now.”

Me: “Sounds like good times up there!”

Devil: “When I say boring, I mean boring!”

[We laugh.]

Devil: “Let’s get back to what you were saying earlier.”

Me: “What?”

Devil: “What’s this garbage about the big boss always having to take care of business?”

Me: “What? Everyone knows that you guys are twins, but it’s obvious—G is the big dog! The rest of us talk about it all the time. No one on earth loves you, except for the weirdo-devil-worshippers.”

Devil: “Is that right? You have no idea what you’re talking about…I have the same amount of power as him.”

Me: “I don’t know who has more power, but G has the respect, and he is the top dog. Look at your reputation…you’re the bad guy!”

Devil: “Let me stop this conversation because I don’t want to get angry. We’ll continue talking when G gets here.”

Me: “No problem. I know the big dog will back me up.”

Devil: “Yeah we’ll see about that.”

He was visibly upset. I could have egged him on, but I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his temper. We switched the subject and enjoyed our blue label while waiting for God to arrive.

[In walks God.]

God: “Sorry I wasn’t able to make it here early, I’m sure you heard about the incident. Allah Holla! What you faithful bout ready to give…Dollars Dollars!”

Me: “No problem big dog. I know the boss has to handle his business! Don’t tell me Ja Rule is in the Good Place.”

God: “No, he wouldn’t last a second up there.”

[The Devil stood up, visibly agitated.]

Devil: “I think you need to straighten this kid out and let him know we’re equals and that I’m your partner!”

God: “Junior partner!” *Tony Montana Voice* [He laughed, I laughed. The Devil threw down his crystal glass.] God was stunned!

Me: “Easy there, number two. Calm down!”

God: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Devil: [Yells.] “I’m tired of everyone thinking you’re the boss! When am I going to get my respect?”

God: “What are you talking about? No one said I was the boss.”

Devil: “Then what’s all this junior partner, bullshit?”

God: “I was joking…it’s Scarface, for crying out loud!”

Devil: “I’m tired of the jokes! From this day forth, I’m not taking this shit anymore. I am a boss too!”

Me: “That doesn’t make sense. Oligarchies don’t work. We need a monarchy. One ruler and G is the man for the job. If you don’t want to be number two, I’ll step in and you can be number three.”

[The Devil lunges at me, but God saves me.] {How Ironic!}

God: “Relax! Why are you taking out your anger on him? He has nothing to do with this. Clearly, this is an issue that has been bothering you for a long time.”

Devil: “Sorry Pete. I don’t mean to get carried away, but this is a sensitive issue for me.”

Me: “No problem. Maybe we should just drop the subject until Dr. Phil dies…he can help you work through the resentment!”

[The Devil lunges at me again!] {Thank God! (HA HA!)}

God: “Why do you keep going after him?”

Devil: [Yells.] “Because he’s been fucking with me all day!”

God: “C’mon Lu, it’s Pete—that’s what the kid does.”

Devil: “Don’t tell me to calm down. You’re not the boss of me.”

God: “Just relax.”

Devil: “Tell me to relax one more time and I’ll…”

God: “You’ll what?”

Devil: “Don’t push me.”

Me: “Cause I’m close to the edge.” [God laughs.]

God: “Hey Pete, chill for a little bit. The little girl is about to throw a tantrum.”

[The Devil shoves God up against the wall.]

The wall shakes, and a large white frame, encasing a painting of the sun, crashes to the ground.

God: [Yells out.] “Trustis!”

[I pick up the painting.]

Me: “The sun! C’mon Son!”

Devil: “That’s not the sun, dumbass!”

God: [Yells.] “Why don’t you just tell him everything?”

Devil: “You’re the one yelling out, Trustis! Don’t tell me what to do.”

God: “I’ll say whatever I want!”

[The Devil punches God in the temple.]

Thunder erupts! God lands on the ground, and his body becomes transparent. I get a quick glimpse of a small life form before he returns to his normal state.

Me: “What the hell…”

God: [In a booming voice.] “How dare you punch me! Take this!”

[He punches the Devil in the eye.]

Thunder fills the room. The same exact effect happens when the Devil hits the ground. The twins continue to fight. And each blow reveals more of their true selves, until their strong physiques no longer appear. Standing before me are two matching, two-feet tall, alien beings. Reality sets in and the twins notice that their true identities have been revealed. **This is where the reader gets to add to the story. Describe your own alien. Leave the description in the comment box, or pull out the old typewriter and have at it. Please place the finished copies in my favorite (P.O.) Box!**

God: “Look at what you did.”

Devil: “Me? You’re the idiot who thinks he is better than everyone.”

God: “I told you I was joking—we’re equals. You’re such a baby!”

[The Devil attempts to lunge at God, but I hold out my arm and stop him. He falls to the ground.]

Devil: “OW. What did you do that for?” [He begins to cry.]

Me: “What the hell is going on here? And why are you crying?”

Devil: “Because you hit me, and it hurts.” [Still sobbing.]

Me: “I didn’t hit you, I just extended my arm.”

God: “You gave him the Heisman!”

Me: “Why are you guys so wimpy all of a sudden? What’s a Trustis? And what’s with the weird transformation?”

God: “Well, I guess the cats out of the bag. Let me explain.”

Devil: [Shouts.] “No, nothing is happening until I get an apology. I didn’t do anything and Pete shoved me to the ground.”

[I shake my head.]

Me: “I can’t believe how soft you are being…I’m sorry.”

Devil: “Thank you. Apology…ACCEPTED!”

God: “Like I was saying before, we are what earthlings call, aliens. We are from the opposite end of the Universe. I would tell you the distance, but you wouldn’t be able to comprehend the number of light-years. There are trillions of galaxies in the Universe and ours is the furthest from earth. We arrived on the desolate planet a few millennia after it was formed. We are a fragile people, which is why Lu cried after you violently shoved him.”

[I begin to defend myself, but decide to let the matter go.]

Me: “Again, Lu. I’m sorry about the vicious shove. I don’t know what came over me.”

Devil: “We’re cool. It’s all good.”

God: “Our planet is called Credularous and our people are the Credularians. Trustis is the name of our star. The painting is an original Rembrandt, a reminder of our home.”

Me: “It looks just like the sun. How do I know you didn’t just have him paint the sun?”

Devil: “It actually is a depiction of the sun, Rembrandt never saw Trustis. They look similar so it really doesn’t matter.”

God: “Credularous is located in the Naïvao Solar system. Our Galaxy is named Gullibilitus.”

Me: “So why did you lie about aliens?”

Devil: “Because look at us. We are small and fragile. If everyone knew the truth, we would lose our ability to rule.”

Me: “So, did the two of you create the people on earth?”

God: “No! People evolved through the natural evolutionary process. When we first landed on earth, it was pretty much void of life forms, other than single-celled organisms.”

Devil: “Yeah, it was a great time. Watching bacteria, protists, fungi, and archaea; microorganisms rule!”

Me: “Why did you come to earth if the planet was basically deserted?”

God: “Our mission was not in search of life, we wanted the richest natural resource, and earth is full of it.”

Me: “These Blood Diamonds?” [I point to the wall.]

Devil: “No! Corundum!”

Me: “Corundum? We’re talking about Corundum? You mean to tell me, you traveled all the way across the Universe for Corundum. We’re not even talking about diamonds? We’re talking Corundum? Corundum? Everyone knows diamonds are the hardest minerals on earth. Corundum? I mean I can even understand Rubies or sapphires. But I can’t believe we’re talking about Corundum!”

Devil: “Relax Iverson. Diamonds are too hard. Our technology uses Corundum; it’s the ultimate mineral!”

Me: “Damn! Corundum?”

God: “Yes, Corundum!” (To all the ladies, the guy who gives you a Corundum ring, is indeed a keeper!)

Me: “What about the Fun Place and the Good Place? How do you control their existence and how does the afterlife work?”

God: “The places don’t actually exist. We use Corundum to create a hologram type effect, only far more superior. Everything you see seems real.”

Devil: “When life-forms die, their souls continue to exist. The souls are free to wander the Universe and learn all of the secrets. The ‘Dead’ exist in a different dimension. They can’t make contact with the living, but sometimes there are glitches. We simply keep the ‘dead’ in our ‘afterlife’ by controlling the mind.”

Me: “So you mean to tell me that I am free to travel the Universe and explore?”

God: “Yes!”

Me: “What about all the UFO sightings on earth?”

Devil: “I’d say, about eighty to eighty-five percent of the claims are complete bullshit. The others are real. It turns out that planet earth has the richest reserve of Corundum in the Universe. A great number of Credularians seek out the planet because of the Corundum. As we’ve noted, we are extremely fragile beings so sometimes our crafts crash land and the pilots die. There are government officials throughout the world who are a part of the massive cover-up. Whenever a craft is able to make a safe landing, I go to earth and send the Credularian away.”

Me: “Wow! That’s crazy! How many other life forms are there in the Universe?”

God: “Trillions multiplied by trillions. All types too! We are the most intelligent, so our people spread out to different planets and control the inhabitants by using our Corundum based technology. Part of our #winning strategy are the godly characters which we create. If you had attempted to fight with us when we first met, we could have been seriously injured. We are intelligent, but we lack physical strength. Our method of mind slavery is almost foolproof. We have to take off our hats to you for being able to out smart us. How did you figure out we were lying?”

Devil: “Yeah, it’s an amazing feat. No one has ever even come close to discovering the truth.”

Me: “I would love to take the credit, but I wasn’t alone. There is a secret society named the FPB. The group’s only mission is to uncover the truth. I was recruited because the members believe that I am some sort of Messiah, the Revelator.”

God: “That makes a lot of sense. Who are the members?”

Me: “Rodrigo is the leader and his second in command is Cristoforo. Ackley is also a high ranking member.”

Devil: “Et Tu Rodrigo?”

Me: “This is all unbelievable, but the FPB members are waiting for me to return with the information. Where do we go from here? I can’t turn my back on them.”

Devil: “We think it would be best to keep our secret and join us as the third ruler.”

Me: “That’s a great idea, but I can’t be a double agent. I swore my allegiance to the FPB and I will not abuse their trust. I’ll make a deal with you. I can reveal the truth to the people in the Fun Place, and the two of you can keep possession of the Good Place. Pharaohs, Pharaohs…LET MY PEOPLE GO!”

Devil: “Fuck! The Good Place people are sooooooooooooooooo boring!”

Me: “Don’t think of the current Good Place. Be creative and mix things up! The two of you can keep all the people who you judge to be candidates for the Good Place, but you must release the others.”

God: “That’s a brilliant idea. We accept your offer!”

[I exit the VIP Lounge for the last time!]

I return to area 4181979 and reunite with the guys. They are fascinated by the truth and we decide on the best way to free the others.

Ackley: “I think it will be best for us to reveal the truth, one area at a time.”

Rodrigo: “Agreed!”

Me: “Then it only makes sense to begin with area 1 and work our way out. Let the best people be freed first!”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator has spoken. Let his will be our command!”

[The End!]

********For those of you who witnessed the magic of the 3D technology, thank you for your continued support! ********

For those who were unable to experience the 3D effect, there is a reason. I struggled for several days attempting to figure out how I would be able to make this entry 3D. After searching high and low, I almost gave up. UNTIL…

I remembered a lesson from my past!

I turned to the last person anyone would expect. I turned to “god!” I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. (Dear “god,” good “god,” mighty “god,” good mighty “god.” Please be the good “god” and grant me the ability to make this latest entry a 3D post. Thank you good “god” who I fear!) Miraculously, my prayers were answered. “God” gave me the ability to create the exact 3D effect I begged for.

If you know “god,” you know there is a condition. The effect will only appear to those people who truly believe in my abilities. Only the believer in Peter Teixeira will be worthy enough to witness the greatness of the “lord.” Don’t worry. We are dealing with the “lord” so you know there is an express option. For those of you who are incapable of believing in me, there is a PayPal account set up, which will boost your belief points. The more you give, the better the effect will work!

Through “god,” ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

“’God’ is good. ALL THE TIME!”


Why I Like Hitler

“Of course he likes Hitler, he’s an evil atheist Satan-worshiper!” No, you Dumbazian, atheists are not immoral devil-followers. We know the devil doesn’t exist…did you not read my post ‘From Catholicism to Christianity?’ (Dumbazians are people from Dumbazia, the land of the dumbasses!) Suggesting I like Hitler because I am an atheist is asinine; especially when it is a fact that Christians are more inclined to support Hitler’s views. ***I strongly recommend reading the aforementioned post, for those who are new to my blog.***

Followers of Christ are quick to deny the fact that Hitler was not an atheist; he was a Christian who believed in “god.” When he gained power, Adolf made a clear distinction between his National Socialism, and Christianity. The purpose was to ensure that his power remained absolute and unchallenged; the separation had nothing to do with his religious ideology. Hitler didn’t want his followers to be influenced by the Pope; relinquishing power was not an option for the Fuhrer.

“What a preposterous notion, suggesting that Hitler was a Christian; the guy committed genocide for Christ’s sake!” Really? Let’s review the facts and see if there is any connection. Genocide? Hmmm, where have I read about genocide before? Oh that’s right, in the bible. God repeatedly committed acts of genocide. Don’t believe me? Ask the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah. And how can I forget the flood–Noah and his family were the only people on earth who were good enough for “god?” The story of the flood was genocide on steroids! It seems like the bible is the place to go to learn how to commit a proper genocide. (This may come as a surprise, the Hutu in Rwanda were Christians! Who were the Hutu? They were the people who committed genocide against the Tutsi.)

Christians believe Jews are going to Hell, maybe Hitler was carrying out “god’s” work.   I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the mindset of the Christians during WWII. They probably believed the genocide was “god’s” way of punishing Jewish people for denying Christ. Just listen to the way Christians talk about Muslims today; I doubt they had any compassion for the people they hold responsible for killing their beloved mythical Jesus.

How can I forget the Spaniards. Those Mayans and their ungodly religion…WIPE THEM OUT!!! I cringed when I read stories about Spanish soldiers who ensured the sharpness of their swords by chopping up Mayan children. Maybe someone should have explained to the great Mayan civilization that the only road to salvation is through “Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” Let me not even discuss the genocidal acts committed against the Native Americans by the United States of America. John O’Sullivan was the Catholic who coined the phrase “Manifest Destiny!” Too bad the Native Americans never received the memo from Jesus!

The ancient Greeks were no strangers to genocide, either. At least the Christians killed in the name of “god.” The Greeks waged a ten year siege against the city of Troy. Why? Because Helen, the wife of Menelaus, decided that she was in love with Paris, son of King Priam of Troy. Shamed Menelaus, cried to his big brother and the King of Kings, Agamemnon, who led the Greeks against the Trojans. That’s right, genocide happened over a woman. “But that’s a myth!” And you mean to tell me the stories in the bible are not!

These famed heroes are never labeled as evil, but Hitler is history’s devil. History must be void of emotion; seeking the truth and reporting the information to the world is the only goal. Sometimes, I find my self rooting for the Germans when watching the documentaries, because I am able to follow the story and treat the events of WWII as I would any other in history. How ridiculous would a person sound if he or she waged a smear campaign against the Huns or the Visigoths?

It is time for the Jewish people to forgive Hitler. Isn’t that what the Torah teaches? I mean, the man is going to spend an eternity in Hell…seems like the punishment fit the crime! Right? When I was a Catholic, I found it in my heart to forgive Hitler for his sins because I was taught, that was the right thing to do!

“Do you really like Hitler?” Yes! Not how you would expect though. I wouldn’t pass him a note in study hall asking, “Do you like me? Circle yes or no!” I’m not enamored with the guy! (I would have banged the anti-Semite out of Eva Braun though!) When I say I like Hitler, I mean from the point of view of a historian. How can I, or any historian, not like Hitler? Just mention his name and people stop what they are doing and pay attention. When it was first launched, The History Channel featured Hitler week. The ratings were so astronomically high that the people in charge decided to incorporate Hitler documentaries almost daily.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that Hitler’s name is on the title of almost every WWII documentary? Most of the interesting channels follow suit. NatGeo, the Discovery Channel, History International, The Military Channel, etc. World War II was fascinating. The fact that we have footage and a detailed paper trail allows historians to uncover more information than ever before. I’m no neo-Nazi, but I don’t think there is a more interesting period in history. They should just come out with the Hitler network; it’s annoying having to search through several channels in order to find the new documentaries, which are truly enjoyable.

I also enjoy reading about the History of Germany and how the Nazis gained power. I am tempted to give a historical background, but that would be uninteresting and boring for the for “the cool kids.” (You know I care so much about what the cool kids think! Ejukayshun iz sew unkool!!! Agreed!) The interesting evolution of German unification starts with the Prussians and ends with Hitler. (German history is historian porno!) I have countless books on the subject, in my personal library, and I enjoyed several courses about Germany and Hitler. (Walking into Barnes and Noble and handing the clerk a book with a large swastika on the cover is not for the faint-of-heart!) I will continue to learn as much as I can about Hitler’s Germany because the subject intrigues me; Adolf’s story is unparalleled. The man witnessed Germany’s destruction during World War I, and he was able to lead the country back to prominence. Who doesn’t like an underdog story? Studying the primary documents and reading the actual back channel communications leading up to the war was phenomenal. Other than the Vatican Secret Archives, Nazi documents would be my favorite to peruse.

All of the “necessary” channels feature Hitler documentaries because he sells; he sells better than sex. In fact, if a Hitler porno was created, it would be the highest grossing adult film in history. They should call it ‘Hitler’s Nuts’ (The key to a great porno title is the pun. Does it mean Hitler is nuts, as in crazy, or does it literally mean Hitler’s nuts, describing the semen he loves to spread all over Nazi whores!)

Most people get caught up in the war, but Hitler had many other interests than German expansion. He created the autobahn, the world’s greatest roadway, which has sections with no speed-limits. (I will drive a car on the autobahn and reach at least one hundred and fifty miles per hour; my American record is one hundred and twenty-three!) Hitler hired an automotive genius by the name of Ferdinand Porsche to create an affordable car; it was Adolf’s vision to develop a car which all Germans could own. Porsche’s designs became the Volkswagen, which is German for “The People’s Car.” I don’t have to tell you what Mr. Porsche decided to do with his life after he fell out of the graces of the Fuhrer. (I just thought about it; some people need to be spoon fed. Porsche is the founder of the car company!)

Hitler was a champion orator and the greatest motivator. I would love for him to come back and coach the Denver Broncos. The team would never lose a game. Of course, hiring Hitler as the team’s coach would be a public relations nightmare for owner Pat Bowlen and his executive vice-president, THE GREAT JOHN ELWAY! Long Live John Elway!

Germans should embrace Hitler for all of the advancements that he created in the country. He was a great leader. Adolf was also cunning. During the 1936 Olympic Games in Berlin, he removed all of the Nazi anti-Semitic propaganda, and fooled the world into believing that Germany was a diverse and tolerant country. (Many of Hitler’s contemporary leaders were well aware of the truth, but everyone remained silent.) Do you realize, the allied forces met at the Treaty of Versailles following World War I and placed heavy restrictions on Germany. It was illegal for Hitler to create a massive army, and he was still able to take on the world; the guy was a genius! [I am not going to sit here and list all of the many accomplishments of Adolf Hitler, you can research the information for yourselves.]

Let me deal with the big elephant in the room concerning Hitler; THE HOLOCAUST. How can I talk about the Fuhrer as a German Hero without being outraged by the appalling acts he committed? The way I see it, if people can view George Washington as an American Hero, I can view Hitler as a German hero. They can leave out the “minor” detail–Slavery, and I’ll leave out the “minor” detail–the Holocaust. The word hero is thrown around freely, but I wonder what the answer would be if I asked a Native American which of the American Presidents is the biggest hero!

I often hear people attempting to decide which event was worse, American Slavery or the Holocaust. That would be like arriving at the scene of a horrific accident, in which two brothers were killed, and asking the mother which death causes her more pain!

Slavery in the United States and the Holocaust are equally shameful. But we must not forget that each event is based on a precedent, set in the bible. I already discussed biblical genocide, but as far as slavery is concerned, “god” gave rules on how to treat slaves. In the book of Leviticus, speaking about the redemption of property, “the lord” said:

“Slaves, male and female, you may indeed possess, provided you buy them from among the neighboring nations. You may also buy them from among the aliens who reside with you and from their children who are born and reared in your land. Such slaves you may own as chattels, and leave to your sons as their hereditary property, making them perpetual slaves.” – Leviticus 25:44-46. (Read your Bible!)

I guess Washington and Hitler were simply trying to follow “god’s” example. Maybe that’s why the saying is, “What Would Jesus Do?,” because we don’t want people doing what god did; that guy was a jealous angry asshole. “God is good! All the time!” Yeah right!!!

“Why I Like Hitler?” Not outlandish after all!!!


From Catholicism To Atheism

I sat down in front of my computer and wrote pages of information about my conversion from Christianity to Atheism. I wrote paragraphs upon paragraphs, and every one fell short of the objective. Each paragraph failed to convey my true feelings. After awhile, I realized the problem. I can’t explain the process of being enlightened; it’s simply impossible. Either a person reaches the level of awakening that I have achieved, or not. Who am I to convert the ignorant?

I spent over fifteen years removing the beliefs of Catholicism from my mind. How can I express the process of becoming awakened to a person who is asleep? IMPOSSIBLE! If anyone has a desire to hear the story of my conversion, ask me and we can converse in person. Even then, I feel a believer cannot completely understand what it means to be an atheist.

An atheist is defined as a person who doesn’t believe in  “god,” but it is far more than that. A true atheist must understand why “god” cannot exist; there is no belief. We simply know! The same way Galileo knew the earth revolved around the sun, an atheist knows “god” exists only in myth. Thankfully, I do not live in a time when the church has any true power.

I often read stories about atheists who convert back to some sort of belief system, but that is an impossibility. The ones who make these false claims never reached the true understanding of atheism. Unfortunately for those who are non-believers, atheism cannot be explained. The information is readily available, it is up to each individual to discover the truth!

If you honestly believe in your faith and you have a desire to save me, please allow me to go to Hell. I don’t mind! I can be an atheist without you agreeing with me, why can’t you be a believer without me agreeing with you?

I live in a world of believers, and my knowledge is challenged on a daily basis. Some people may find my posts to be offensive, but I am offended when people are afraid to challenge their faith. I know that I call believers idiots, but what am I supposed to make of someone who doesn’t even understand his or her own faith. (If you’ve never read the bible from cover to cover, please shut the fuck up about your faith. How can someone believe in a religion and not read the most important text?)

A clear example of this is the so-called Catholic who believes in abortion. I must have missed the part of Catholicism which allowed for followers to question the Pope. The basis of the religion is the fact that the Conclave members are guided by “god” when choosing a new Pontiff; and the lord speaks through the new leader. I don’t care what your beliefs are concerning abortion but if you are Catholic, Pope Benny tells you what to believe; there is no free will. (If you ever tell me that you are a Catholic but you are pro-choice, YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT!!!)

Please do me a favor. Study your faith, then we can have an intelligent conversation about belief!

It’s hilarious when one of the hungry-hungry hippo-crites discovers I’m an atheist and attempts to chastise me.

“How can you not believe in ‘god’?” Simple! He doesn’t exist!

Now can you answer one of my questions?

“Sir, how can you challenge my morals when you practice pre-marital sex and have children out of wedlock?”

“And I guess you’re right ma’am, I’m evil, but how can you walk up the isle and eat the body of Christ, hung-over with semen and vodka fresh on your breath?”

“Only god can judge you.” No! I’ll have something to say about how you live!

Judge me and I’ll judge you back!!!


The Creation Of The Bible

My first night in the Fun Place was spent with my new BFF, Rodrigo, and his second in command, Cristoforo. (I just want to reiterate. This story is completely hypothetical, heaven and hell are mythical places created by man. Plus, I would never trade in my true BFF, J-Nice!!! A person who probably shouldn’t be reading this but if you are, Thanks for the support.) We grew to be quite close and, after a wild night, I didn’t make it back to my room until early the next morning. Just kidding!

5 Important Fun Place Details:

A – Time, day, or, night does not exist in the Fun Place.

B – Fatigue does exist. Otherwise, people would just go crazy and there would be chaos.

C – Everyone has his or her own living space, for re-energizing and coitus if you will.

D – There are no hangovers. The Blue Label does not alter the mind state, it’s just an enjoyable drink. There is no need to get drunk in the Fun Place; everyone has a great personality. Those with no personality spend an eternity in the Good Place.

E – No one is ever offended. Those who are easily offended spend an eternity in the Good Place.

I leave the VIP Lounge and follow Rodrigo to my quarters. It is fairly basic. There is a king size bed, set to each person’s specific sleep number. Mine is forty-four; I had no idea. (Can’t wait for the new single to come out. ‘I Wanna Know Your Sleep Number.’ You know it’s coming any day now!) {***Question for the ladies: Would you sleep with a guy who used the pick-up line, “Hey baby, why don’t we go back to my place so I can find your sleep number?”***}Other than the bed, there is a suede love seat and a three-seater leather sofa. I have hardwood floors, a beautiful cherry oak. Rodrigo notified me about an option for people who prefer carpet. The walls are platinum and covered with blood diamonds, Bling Bling! (I was literally laughing out loud while I wrote that!)

I take a quick tour of the surrounding areas, which lasts seven hours. (Were you even paying attention to the details? Time doesn’t exist in the Fun Place. I have no idea how long the tour lasted.) We then meet up with some of Rodrigo’s friends and I quickly gained the trust of my new family, the FPB. (Yeah that’s right, it stands for the Fun Place Boys!) Why they decided to shape their organization into a gang-like clique? Who knows!

It turns out, G and Lu keep secrets from the inhabitants of the Fun Place, and the goal of the FPB members is to seek out the truth. Rodrigo witnessed the camaraderie between me and the twins and decided I would be a great addition to the FPB. The guys gathered at the headquarters, which is located inside of area 1492. (If you were wondering about the method of transportation, we teleport!) Like any other “family,” I had to be initiated.

Me: “Hey Cris, why is the FPB headquarters located in area 1492?”

Cristoforo: “Three reasons. First, it’s far enough from the VIP Lounge, the twins would never travel out this far. The second reason, is because Rodrigo was elected to lead the Roman Catholic Church in the year 1492. Finaly, I discovered the New World in 1492.” (Yes, Cristoforo Colombo. The Italian name for Christopher Columbus! You didn’t think he would call himself Christopher, did you? For Pete’s sake, he’s Italian!)

[The Initiation Process]

Rodrigo: “Let the initiation commence!”

A couple of the guys, Socrates and Renée Descartes, force me to my knees. George W. Bush stands before me with a blindfold in his hands.

Me: [I Wrestle myself free and interrupt the proceedings.] “I don’t know if I want to be a part of the FPB if W is a member.”

Rodrigo: “He’s not a member; his dad promised him he could come today. I tried to stop him, but Big Bush helped us gather the alien info so we owe him one.”

Me: [I breathe a sigh of relief.] “Ok, that makes sense. But can’t we get someone else to put on the blindfold? He’ll probably do it wrong!”

[Laughter fills the room. The joke goes over W’s head.]

Rodrigo: “Go ahead W.”

The blindfold is placed over my eyes. I can clearly see through the bottom. Rodrigo shakes his head and straightens-out the blindfold.

Rodrigo: “Good job W. [He roles his eyes.] Now for the initiation. Will Ricky Martin please step forward.” [I hear footsteps.]

Ricky: “Present!”

Rodrigo: “To become a member, you will have to perform fellatio on Mr. Martin.”

Me: “Un Menudo Por favor! I didn’t quite get that; come again.”

Rodrigo: “You heard me.”

Me: “When did Ricky Martin die? And I knew he was gay but when did he come out of the closet? More importantly, how is he a member of the FPB?”

Ricky: “I don’t want to talk about how I died. And as far as your other question, I don’t think that’s anyone’s business. That’s a personal issue.”

Me: “Hey whatever. All I know is I’m not going through with this initiation. I don’t need to be in the FPB.”

Rodrigo: “We’re just fucking with you! There’s is no initiation; this is the Fun Place, not earth!”

[I remove the blindfold.]

Ricky: “Wait, I thought they said this would be fun?”

Rodrigo: “Ricky, you can leave now.”

Ricky: “This is bullshit.” [Inaudible singing trails-off.]

Rodrigo: “Sorry about that. He’s definitely not a member.”

Me: “You guys are sick in the head.”

Rodrigo: “Let the girls in!” [We party until exhaustion.]

[I hear a loud knocking, while re-energizing.]

Me: “Yeah! Who is it?”

Rodrigo: “It’s me, Rodrigo. You ready?”

Me: “Yeah, come in.”

Rodrigo: “What happened with the twins?”

Me: “I haven’t met with Lu and G yet.”

Rodrigo: “Not those twins! *Shakes his head* The TWINS!”

Me: “Ah man, that was crazy! By the way, they aren’t twins; they’re just sisters. They were actually peeved that you kept calling them twins.”

Rodrigo: “Oh really! Who gives a shit! What happened with them?”

Me: “It was amazing, I never did that before!”

Rodrigo: “You never banged sisters while on earth?”

Me: “I didn’t bang them! I purposely put my self in the friend-zone. I’m never gonna bang them.”

Rodrigo: [laughs] “They’re gonna be pissed. Those two want to bang everyone. Did you read the story about them in the book of Ezekiel; chapter 23?” (This is the second time I have recommended this story; go read it!)

Me: “Yeah I know, that’s what makes it so funny!”

Rodrigo: “Damn! Now I’m pissed, I wish I thought of that. They weren’t even that good!” [I laugh.] “Well, the guys are all in agreement that you are a great fit. When you meet with the big guys, remember to try and get some info from them.”

Me: “Am I allowed to just go whenever I want, or do I have to clear it with you first?”

Rodrigo: “Usually, I’ll have to be contacted first, but Lu said you can go to the VIP Lounge whenever you’re ready; they’re waiting for you.”

[We transport over to the VIP Lounge.]

Me: “Alright, I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

Rodrigo: “OK! Don’t forget what we discussed!”

Me: “I’ll try, but I’m not going to try and push the issue so soon.”

Rodrigo: “No problem; we have an eternity!”

Me: “Oh yeah, before I forget, what was up with Ricky Martin? Doesn’t he understand that no one cares if he’s gay? “

Rodrigo: “I have no idea. He is the only person down here who is in the closet; it’s ridiculous.” [We laugh.]

[Rodrigo departs and I enter the room.]

Devil: “So, do you like the place so far?”

Me: “It’s great! I’m really going to enjoy it here!”

God: “Are you sure? Because, we can send you to the Good Place if you want.”

Me: “I’ll let you know if I change my mind. Speaking of the Good Place, ever since you mentioned the creation of the bible, I’ve been eager to hear the true story.”

Devil: “I love this story. He can never tell it without getting angry!”

God: “I don’t know what he’s talking about; why would I get angry?”

Devil: “Trust me kid, he’ll get pissed and thunderbolts will start shooting out of him.”

God: “Thunderbolts? I’m not Zeus, you jackass!”

[We all laugh.]

God: “In the beginning, when man created the bible, the pages were as empty as a formless wasteland. A story needed to be created; the story which would explain all things. Then man placed ink to papyrus, and the words were good. At the time when man created the stories of the bible—while as yet there were no words on the pages…”

Me: “Hold on!” *Shaking my finger* “Did you just begin the story of the bible’s creation twice? And, if I’m not mistaking, you just basically plagiarized from the two creation stories in Genesis.”

God: “Why? Is that crazy? Don’t tell me my story won’t be believable if I begin it twice, with completely different details.”

Devil: [laughing] “I still can’t believe people believe in that book. Every now and then, G will get pissed and go to earth to shake things up.”

Me: “What? You go to earth and people can see you?”

[God shakes his head disappointingly.]

Devil: “No, I mean he shakes things up literally. Where do you think earthquakes come from?”

Me: “That’s crazy! I always thought it had to do with plate tectonics.”

Devil: “Nope…all him!”

Me: “So, why Haiti? They practice voodoo over there.”

Devil: “Yeah, but the official religion is Christianity.”

God: [Notices the amazed look on my face.] “He’s just messing with you, we don’t kill people.” [Becomes agitated.] “I fucking hate the bible!”

Devil: [Laughing.] “See! What did I tell you? He gets pissed every time.”

God: “I’m not pissed.”

[I laugh…Devil laughs…God shakes head.]

God: “Are you guys done?”

Me: [Still laughing.] “Please continue!”

God: “Ok! Well, the first thing you can do, is forget about all that writing nonsense. The bible was not written down originally. The stories were passed on orally until they were finally scribed in the year 1379.”

Devil: “B.C.E. It was the year 1379 before the Common Era. Not b.c. there is no Christ!”

Me: “Relax! I already know that.”

God: “Yeah, relax! Who’s getting pissed now?”

Devil: “Not pissed…just a pet peeve. I hate when people use b.c. instead of B.C.E. That’s all.” (This is not a pet peeve of mine. There aren’t too many things that peeve my pet!)

God: “The stories were not all created at the same time; most were added throughout the years. But the first books were created in the same year. The Bible originated in the land between the Tigris and the Euphrates in the year 3526. Oh yeah, B.C.E. This was the location of the world’s largest kingdom, at the time. Life was pretty simple, until the prince’s eighteenth birthday. King Tu Talesi, who everyone called Tut, could no longer sleep at night. His eldest son was a curious child, and the boy began to ask King Tut difficult questions. ‘George, why do you trouble me with such complex inquiries?’ The king would often ask. The problem was compounded when Curious George spoke to his friends, and they proceeded to ask their parents the same questions.”

Devil: “I wanted to help the people, but G thought it would be best for us to allow them to discover the universe’s secrets through the use of reason. That was one of his dumbest ideas!”

[I laugh.]

God: “You agreed dumbass! The king struggled for two months until he finally arrived at a solution. He summonsed all of the fathers in his kingdom to his castle, and asked each man to create stories. Each tale would explain one aspect of human existence which they were incapable of understanding. The King met with the men individually and assigned a specific story based on the man’s level of intelligence.”

Devil: “You’ve read the bible…there wasn’t a MENSA member within a thousand miles of that castle!”

[We all laugh.]

God: “The men returned to the castle after a month, and the King reviewed the myths. He was pleased with the results. His majesty’s subjects would gather at the castle each Sunday and the stories would be read to the children. A problem occurred on the first day. The creation story was read, then the Second father stood in front of the massive congregation and proceeded to read his own, completely different, version of the same creation story.”

Devil: “The king turned to his aid and said, ‘Oh shit, I assigned the story of creation to two different people.’ And the aid replied, ‘Who cares, they’re kids, they are too dumb to notice. I must say, this is a great idea; how come you didn’t ask me to create a story? Remember that joke I made up about the guy who walked on water?’ The king paused for a second then replied, ‘who would believe that nonsense?’ I shit you not!”

Me: “Damn, even king Tut wouldn’t have believed some of the Jesus tales; that says a lot. You mean to tell me that Curious George sat there and accepted two different versions of the same creation story?”

Devil: “Yeah! Turns out George was curious, with a hint of imbecile!”

Me: “Unbelievable!”

Devil: “Tell me about it. We actually had to sit here and watch these geniuses. I mean it was rough; up until the Mesopotamians showed up, I wanted to kill myself.”

God: “The stories continued and the children ate them up. It was just annoying at first, but then we noticed the strangest thing occurring. As the years went by, the adults began to believe their own myths.”

Me: “That must have been a fun time for the two of you!”

Devil: “Yeah, it was the age of en-dark-enment!”

Me: [Laughing hysterically.] “Nice! Can I see a video or something? I would love to watch the transformation from myth to reality.”

Devil: “No! that’s not happening. And if you haven’t guessed—those people are all in the Good Place!”

God: “In fact, their in the Extra Good VIP!”

Me: “What happens there?”

God: “They get to create the hymns!”

Me: “That explains so much!”

Devil: “I’ll take over the story from here. This is usually when he blows a gasket.”

God: “I’m fine.”

Me: “Wait! Before you go on, what about Jonah and the Whale? Was that  included in the first stories?”

God: “What do you think?” *Shakes his head*

Devil: “I’ll talk about this story because you asked, but we really don’t like getting into details when discussing this matter. That story was actually created by a guy who was pissed at king Tut. The man wanted to marry the love of his life, but she was taken by the king as a concubine. In retaliation, the man decided to create a story that would not be believable. His goal was to expose the king’s lies, to the children. I couldn’t believe it, he was actually more shocked then we were. Once he was done, Curious George stood up and gave him a rousing applause.”

God: [Kicks the fountain.] “Jonah and the whale; I’m still stunned!”

Me: “I don’t even know what to say.”

Devil: “How do you think we felt. I was in a state of shock for a century.”

Me: “So G, you get pissed because the people are dumb?”

God: “No, it’s not that; I got over the fact that people are dumb a long time ago. What pisses me off are the stories they tell. It’s bullshit! I never killed anyone, and every single story is about me being angry and jealous; I wouldn’t do that shit, who do they think I am, one of the members of the inquisition? Humans are too dumb to figure shit out for themselves and, instead of saying they don’t know, they create stories that shit on my good name. Wouldn’t you be pissed? These motherfuckers believe all this make-believe bullshit about the horrible things I did, and then have the nerve to use their own crap to torture and kill each other.” (I would get into more details about the atrocities of the Church, but I deal with a lot of them in my novel, so you’ll either have to investigate for yourselves, or wait for the book!)

[I am worried and turn to the Devil]

Devil: [He can see the concern on my face.] “I think that’s enough for you today; I’ll finish up.”

[God does his best to calm down, but he is obviously furious.]

Me: [I stand up and pet God on the head.] “Pretty God, prrrreeeettttty god!” *Blind Billy from Dumb and Dumber’s voice*

[God shoves me back onto the couch.]

Me: “Sensitive!”

Devil: “The people continued to pass on the stories, until they were eventually written down. Over the years, more and more stories were added. In the year 61CE, there was a man named Michael who spoke out against the bible. He claimed the stories were myths. In an effort to prove that people will believe anything, Michael created the stories of a mythical superhero named Jesus. He chose the name Joseph for the step-dad, because that was the name of a kid he detested.”

Me: “What? I thought the stories were written by a bunch of different people? Michael must have hated that kid; using his name for the biggest sucker in the history of mankind!”

Devil: “Yeah! He couldn’t stand the kid. Michael was a great writer, he created the New Testament all by himself.”

God: “Can you believe his stories became the foundations for Christianity? I mean, the guy was drunk while he wrote!” [Stands up.] “I can’t do this, I have to go calm down.”

[God departs.]

Devil: “He can never make it to the end.”

Me: “I don’t blame him. How are you able to keep your cool?”

Devil: “Sometimes you just have to laugh or else you’ll go crazy!” [Shakes head]

Me: “So that that’s the story of how the bible was created?”

Devil: “Almost done. You can’t forget the Emperor Constantine. He converted so he could bang this hot Christian girl from the eastern part of the empire. She chose her favorite stories and he forced all of the Christian leaders to accept them as the new Canon.”

Me: “All for a chick?”

Devil: “You wouldn’t believe how many historical events happened just because someone wanted to bang a chick.”

Me: “This is too much. I can’t take anymore. It’s going to take me a while to wrap my head around all this information.”

Devil: “Yeah, so far everyone who hears the story about the origin of the bible has to go to his or her room to re-energize.”

Me: “I’m outta here. Maybe next time, you can tell me about the aliens!”

Devil: “What? We already told you…there are no aliens.”

Me: “Oh yeah, I forgot!”

[I depart and head towards area 1492.]

Rodrigo: “Did you bring it up?”

Me: “Yeah, I did at the end but he denied it.”

Rodrigo: “I think you need to spend more time in the VIP Lounge before they will trust you.”

Me: “No, it wasn’t that. I was just too exhausted. I’ll get the answers soon; the twins trust me.”

Rodrigo: “Ok! Good job. You should go re-energize, then we can go over some more of the information about the aliens.”

Me: “Ok. I’ll talk to you later.” [I head back to my quarters.]

[Until Next Time!!!]


This Actually Happened – July 16th, 2011

My love for the Florida Gators is well documented. The only problem I have with the team is the fact that the University is located in Bible Country. This bit of information has never affected me until…TWITTER! Recently, I began following a guy who reports some of the team news. Everything was fine until I started my blog. Apparently, my views are disagreeable to him. Problem? You wouldn’t think so, but remember, we’re dealing with a religious nut. This past Sunday, I received a DM from the guy. It read, “You were mentioned in this blog.” “Great!” I thought. Turned out it was a virus. The situation was a little annoying, but did he win? NO! His minuscule little brain caused him to believe he was doing God’s work. I’d say he is a domestic terrorist. Why didn’t he just leave a comment which explained his valid point? I think we all know why. I won’t mention his twitter name, because he will not be getting any publicity from me…UNFOLLOW! My first true hater–I feel so special. BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Check back tomorrow for a preview of next week’s entries!


I Go To Hell

If you recall, I was slowly descending towards the pits of Hell.

I can see the flames, and I have no choice but to come to grips with my fate. All of a sudden, one of the scariest moments happens–the cloud I am standing on begins to evaporate; I believe that I am going to end up in a freefall towards the fiery depths, but a new flooring appears. It takes a few moments, but I finally realize–I am in a hand-basket.

Something extremely weird occurs. I was expecting to feel the heat from the fire, but the temperature fails to change. The flames surround me, but they seem to be fake. There is also a roaring thunder, louder than the one which I heard during the storm that killed me, but the sky remains clear and blue; I am exceedingly confused. I can see a large sign on the blood-stained floor which reads, “Parking reserved for Hell hand-basket! All other vehicles will be towed at owners expense.” My heart sinks when I notice several dogs, from the Resident Evil series, devouring what appears to be a human carcass. The hand-basket touches down directly on the target, and the dogs stop eating. They seem to be intrigued by my arrival and rush towards the landing area. With the ferocity of a hungry great white shark, chasing down a wounded seal, they attack. (Let me take this moment to mention tomorrow’s blog entry, ‘My Obsession With Sharks!’) Thankfully, the wood is reinforced with steel so they can’t reach me, but I remain terrified by the devilishly aggressive barking. “Where’s Michael Vick when you need him?” I wonder. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist) I recognize the loud voice which yells out, “STOP!” It is God, and for an instance, I feel safe.

Did he change his mind? Was this trip in the hand-basket a way of teaching me a lesson? I can’t wait to find out!

The dogs disappear along with the hand-basket. I am a bit apprehensive, but I know that I have to run towards the voice. At that moment, there is only one thought running through my mind; I remember ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’

[I slowly begin to walk]

Me: “The penitent man shall pass. The penitent man shall pass.”

I feel a presence following closely, which causes me to run down the narrow hallway. I avoid the chunks of human flesh and the puddles of blood, with the agility of a hungry African Cheetah chasing after a swift antelope. (How ironic…a former atheist running towards God for safety.) I sprint towards the end of the dimly-lit hallway, and I am shocked to see that God is no longer 6 cubits tall, but a less intimidating 6 feet.

Devil: “I thought you didn’t believe in religion? What’s with the penitent man talk?”

Me: “I just came from Heaven and now I’m in Hell…HELLO!” [He shakes his head] “What happened to you? How come you’re not a giant?”

Devil: “You are confused. I am not who you think I am.”

Me: “Don’t start with that ‘I am that I am’ stuff again.”

Devil: “We’ve actually never met. I am who people refer to as the Devil, but you can call me ‘Lu’.”

Me: “Lu?”

Devil: “Yeah. It’s short for Lucifer. My rap name is Lu Cipher! I spit hot fire, pun intended.”

Me: “Let me guess. You spit that real shit, and not that fake commercial bull that is out–right?”

Devil: “Here we go, my brother told me about you and your comments.”

Me: “What Brother? I know you’re not talking about God.”

Devil: “Follow me and everything will be explained.”

{A massive door opens, leading to a VIP room. Everything inside is white, the leather couches, the walls, the coffee table, the rug, etc. In the center of the space is a large fountain statue of a mermaid. I do a double take when I realize that Lu is already seated on one of the couches. I look back and notice that he is also standing by my side.}

Me: “Is this some kind of magic?”

Devil: “No, that’s my brother. You know him as God.”

[My jaw drops!]

Me: “What the Hell is going on here? Excuse the pun.”

Devil: “Grab a seat and we’ll explain everything.”

God: “How was the trip?” [Laughs]

Me: “It was ok…there was some turbulence, but overall I felt pretty comfortable. It would’ve been nice to have a seat, but I’m not complaining.” [He shakes his head, disapprovingly.] “What’s going on? I’m a little freaked out; why are you not 6 cubits tall? Why is the Devil…I mean Lu, saying that he’s your brother? Why are you in Hell? And more importantly, why is there a big water fountain statue of a mermaid in the middle of the room?”

God: “Calm down. First of all, it’s not water; It’s Johnnie Walker Blue Label.”

Devil: “Grab a cup and see for yourself.”

[I grab a glass and place it under the flowing liquid.]

Me: “Blue? Really! I’d expect, with all of your powers, you guys would be drinking some magical godly drink.”

Devil: “We do; it’s called Blue Label…You didn’t think Johnnie Walker actually created it.”

[I take a sip.]

Me: “Wow…now that’s smooth! Well done my good man. Or shall I say, my bad man!”

Devil: [Shakes head.] “Funny.”

God: “As far as the statue is concerned, we love the movie ‘Splash’.” [Shrugs] “What can I say!”

Me: “Splash? Tom Hanks, Daryl Hannah? This is too crazy!”

God: “Let me explain what’s going on. Well, I can’t explain how we came to exist; only someone who has a vast understanding of Biology would be able to comprehend. In fact, humans won’t discover the truth behind our existence until the year 2234.”

Me: “Wait, so you mean to tell me that humans will actually be able to prove that you exist?”

Devil: “Me too! But they will remain confused until 2079. That’s when the world’s brightest minds will figure out that we are twins, and not adversaries.”

Me: “Twins? That’s insane! What about all the competing for souls that was always preached on Earth, and all of the other teachings from the Bible?”

God: “All a bunch of nonsense!”

Me: “I knew it!”

God: “I have to admit, I enjoyed the conversation that we had earlier, and your ‘Virgin Birth’ post was hilarious; we still go back and read it every now and again. I spoke to my brother and we have decided that you can live in area one, with complete access to the VIP Lounge. Here, we will explain anything that you want clarified. How the Bible came to exist, can be explained during your next visit, but for now, we’ll discuss the basics.”

Me: [Filled with excitement.] “I can’t wait to hear that story.”

(***Be on the look out for ‘The Creation of The Bible.’***)

God: “You have to understand that most of what is preached on earth, is the creation of humans. We don’t bother to control what people do. It was agreed upon, a long time ago, that we would only focus on sending people to the proper afterlife location; humans have freewill.”

Devil: “What would be the point of controlling everyone? We enjoy being surprised by how each individual chooses to live his or her life.”

Me: “I’m glad you guys enjoyed the story. (How could they not!) Let me get this straight. You guys simply wait until people die, and then judge them based on their behavior?”

God: “Not exactly. We don’t really care what people do; it has no bearing on whether we send them to Heaven or Hell.”

Me: “You don’t care? That’s unexpected.”

God: “Heaven and Hell are human creations, and there is no such thing as sin. We simply have the ‘Good Place’ and ‘The Fun Place’.”

Devil: “The Good Place, which humans refer to as Heaven, is boring. The people we send there are the do-gooders. They spend their entire lives believing in my brother and they feel that they will be rewarded, so that’s what we do. I can’t stress this point enough; IT IS A BORING PLACE! All they do is sit around singing hymns and telling Bible stories. And to them it’s Heaven.”

God: “Every now and again, one of us will go up there and say some Bible quote to get them all riled up; it’s so ridiculous how simple they are.”

Me: “So, if he goes by the name Lu, what should I call you?”

God: “Alejandro!”

Me: [I Burst out laughing!] “What? You’re kidding right?”

Devil: “Alejandro? When the Hell did you come up with that?”

God: “No, I’m just kidding. I was people watching and the radio was on. That Lady Gaga song came on, and I can’t get it out of my head. I mean, great song, but I can’t walk around singing some dudes name.”

Me: “I can definitely understand that; I hate when the wrong song gets stuck in my head! [Singing] Don’t call my name, don’t call my name…Roberto.”

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro…it’s been all day; I can’t get the damn thing out of my head.”

Devil: “If you guys get that song stuck in my head, I’m going to be pissed off!”

Me: “It’s better to be pissed off, then pissed on!”

Devil: “Really? That’s so old.”

Me: “Old but good…kind of like your mother!”

Devil: “Do you know what we can do to you?”

Me: “My fault Lu. I didn’t know you were so sensitive. Should we hug it out.”

[Spreads arms out. And his hands turn into balls of fire.]

Devil: “Yeah, come over here. Give me a hug.”

Me: “Na, I’m good.”

God: “Getting back to your question, I actually love it when they call me Big Poppa!”

Me: [Laughing.] “There is no way in Hell, I’m calling you that.”

God: [Laughs] “Na, You can just call me G.”

Me: “Ok, that’s easy enough. What about the flames? Why didn’t they burn me?”

God: “They aren’t real. We just added them so the people in the Good Place will continue to believe that everyone down here is burning for eternity; They’re so gullible.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What about Hell, and all the people who did bad things while on earth?”

Devil: “I’ll take this one. The people who commit horrible atrocities, are sent to the furthest part of the Fun Place. It’s not a bad area, just far from us. They have fun just like everyone else down here, but we just don’t want to be around them; there is no desire to hang with some guy who viciously murdered seven people. We don’t believe in torturing anyone; we’d have to be a couple of psychos to do that. Do you suppose we would create humans, and then torture them because they make a few mistakes? ,

Me: “Nope. That wouldn’t make any sense.”

Devil: “Precisely! We have guardians who keep each area separated. The closer you are to the VIP Lounge, the more access you have in the Fun Place. People are free to move into a different area, but only to an area that is further away from the VIP Lounge; each area is numbered. Area one is the closest to the VIP Lounge, and the higher the number, the further away you will be. Understand?”

Me: “Yeah, it makes perfect sense, but let me make sure I got it right. If you are in area fifty-one, you can move to any area except for areas one through fifty.”

Devil: “Exactly. It’s interesting you mentioned area fifty-one. That’s where all the conspiracy theorists stay. I definitely recommend  checking it out some time; those people come up with the craziest ideas.”

Me: “Speaking of area fifty-one. Are there aliens?”

Devil: “Logically, you would think so, but the answer is no. There are no aliens.”

Me: “What about spirits?”

Devil: “Yeah, I guess. Sometimes, we get crazy people who jump out of the hand-basket. They roam around earth doing all sorts of spooky things.”

Me: “What was the point of making me think I was going to Hell?”

Devil: “This is the Fun Place. We enjoy messing with people!”

ME: “Speaking of messing with people, doesn’t it bother you that you have such a bad reputation?”

Devil: “Yeah, that bothers both of us. I’m one of the coolest people ever, and they make me out to be evil; it sucks!”

Me: “Yeah, they hate you. Lu, I can understand why you’re upset, but G? You have a great rep!”

God: “Did you read the Bible? They make me out to be some jealous narcissist with anger issues, who destroys cities and kills indiscriminately. I don’t know where they come up with that garbage.”

Me: “So you guys understand why I never believed in all that religion crap?”

God: “Of course! That’s why you’re down here. We can’t understand how anyone would ever believe those stories. I mean for god sake, no pun intended, there are two creation stories in the beginning of the Bible. Faith is the biggest crock in the history of the world. It was created by people who weren’t intelligent enough to explain how the world works. I’ll get into more details when we discuss the Bible next time.”

Me: “What are the rules down here?”

Devil: “It’s pretty simple. We already discussed moving to different areas. Everyone who is down here is immortal; there are no injuries or diseases. It’s pretty much a free-for-all. Go wherever you want, and hang with anyone you want.”

Me: “Sex is allowed?”

Devil: “Would it be the Fun Place without sex? It’s the best; no condoms, no diseases and no pregnancies.”

Me: “You mean to tell me, you guys are allowed to have sex?”

Devil: “Who can possibly stop us? If you want to take a vow of celibacy, go right ahead my friend—with all these women down here…I’ll be doing my thing!”

Me: [Laughing.] “You’ll have to excuse me; I don’t know what I was thinking. Before I forget. What happens to all those suicide bombers who believe they will be rewarded with seventy-two virgins?”

Devil: “They get the virgins, but there is no sex in the Champaign room, if you will.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What? You mean to tell me that everyone who is in the Good Place is spending an eternity without sex? What do they do?”

Devil: “Did you not hear me stress the point…IT’S BORING UP THERE!”

God: “Yeah! There’s no sex; they sing all day and go over the Bible. For fun, they watch over family members and judge the ‘bad people’ on earth. They actually cheer when I send someone to ‘Hell.’ You should have heard the loud eruption that happened when you were descending—they definitely weren’t feeling your stories.”

Devil: “You remember the thunder that you heard during the trip here? That wasn’t us—it was the thunderous applause.”

Me: “I was so confused by the thunder—the sky was perfect. Hey G, why did you kill me so dramatically?”

God: “I had to…they were watching and cheering me on! That whole turning myself into a giant thing and quoting the Bible; I have to do it for them.”

[A man walks into the room.]

God: “I would like to introduce you to our assistant and good friend, Rodrigo Borgia.”

Rodrigo: “Hello, it’s great to finally meet you. I enjoyed reading your stories.”

Me: “Pope Alexander the sixth? That’s who you guys chose to be your assistant?”

God: “Yeah, he was one of the first people on earth to understand that the Bible was a bunch of myths. We can’t blame him for using that knowledge to manipulate the people who were less intelligent than he was. In fact, I’d say over ninety percent of the Popes are down here.”

Rodrigo: “Surprised? I’m actually a great guy!

Devil: “Yeah, he’s a fun guy to hang out with. He’s got some great stories.”

Me: “What about all the tales they told about you? Aren’t you the one who…” (Look up Pope Alexander VI. He was a disturbed man to say the least.)

Rodrigo: “Hey, hey. There’s no need to bring up the past. What can I say, I wasn’t perfect!” [Laughs.] “I’m sorry to interrupt, one of you has to go up there.”

God: “Now what?”

Rodrigo: “They’re upset because there is man in America who has been claiming to be Jesus, and he has a pretty large following.”

Me: “That reminds me. What about Jesus?”

God: “We’ll discuss Jesus, when we talk about the Bible.” [I nod my head understandingly.] “You going up this time, Lu?”

Devil: “HELL NO!”

God: “Sorry guys, looks like I have to go deal with this headache.”

Devil: “Sucks to be you!”

[God gets up and leaves.]

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro!”

[We all laugh.]

Devil: “Follow Rodrigo, he’ll show you around and get you acclimated.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll be back so we can talk about the Bible.”

Devil: “Alright, we’ll see you next time.”

[I exit with Rodrigo.]

Rodrigo: “I’ll show you to your room, then we can go and meet some ladies!”

Me: “Sounds good!”

[Until Next Time!!!]


A Conversation With God

I know what you’re thinking. How can I have a conversation with God, if I declared myself an atheist? Have I changed my mind? Did I get a vision during the night? NO! I am still an atheist but, after several comments about my imminent trip to hell, I decided to write about what would actually happen if the “God-fearing” people are indeed correct.

**In no way do I question the fact that “god” doesn’t exist! This post is entirely facetious.**

Here we go: That awkward moment when an atheist realizes that there is a God. Yikes!

The year is 2014. It’s September 26th, I am at an all time high because I just returned from my trip to Brazil to watch the host nation win it’s record sixth World Cup. It’s a significant day, the fifth year anniversary of my car accident. I sit down in front of the computer and proceed to write my reflection of the tragic event – the piece is amazing. (Humble, I know.) I prepare to post the finished product, but I am startled. Out of nowhere, thunder begins to roar in the sky. I quickly run to the window and lift the blinds; I marvel at the site. People seem to be losing their minds, running recklessly, trying to escape the massive lightening bolts which continue to strike the city. Cars are destroyed, trees are split in half, and telephone poles are knocked down; it’s pandemonium. For some unexplainable reason, I feel the need to have an unobstructed view of the sky; I climb on the roof. The thunder roars louder and the crackling lightning bolts strike closer. The only explanation I can think of is, Mother Nature must be on her period. (Honestly. That is exactly what I will think!)

In a dramatic show of defiance, I yell out, “come and get me ‘god!’ I do not fear thee. For I am your equal.”

Instantly, the sun zigzags in the sky. “This must be what Lucia, Jacinta, Francisco, and the people of Fatima, Portugal must have seen while standing in the field near Cova da Iria in 1917. This is my Miracle of the Sun.” I assume.

The sun moves closer, but I can’t feel the heat. I do my best to look away, but my eyes are fixed on the center. Slowly, a face begins to appear. I can see the mouth begin to move, and I hear a strong authoritative voice, “As the dog returns to his vomit, so the fool repeats his folly.”

I don’t even have a moment to take in the words. A massive lightning bolt, larger than any other that has been witnessed on earth, strikes me directly on the chest. There is nothing left of me…I no longer inhabit this realm. {You didn’t really think I was going to write about my death and not make it EPIC, did you?}

An incalculable amount of time elapses. I find myself, completely intact, standing on what I can only ascertain to be a nimbus cloud. There, directly in front of  me, is a giant. I roughly gauge his height to be six cubits, and he looks like he is obviously on the juice…and I don’t mean Natraburst! (The world’s best and most natural super foods blend!)

[I stare into his eyes.]

Me: “Who are you?”

God: “Come no nearer! Remove the sandals from your feet, for the place where you stand is holy ground.”

[I look down.]

Me: “What the heck. Sandals? What happened to the Jordans I had on?”  (Shameless plug #2. Hey Mike, if this blog grows a massive readership, I want to get PAID!)

[I look back up.]

Me: “And why are you quoting from Exodus 3-5? This is some freaky shit! First, the sun quotes from Proverbs 26-11, then, I meet a Giant who is also quoting from the Bible?”

God: “Quiet you imbecile! I am that I am.”

Me: “WHAT?”

God: “What don’t you understand? I’m God, you fool!”

Me: “God? Oh! You look taller in person.” [I can’t keep a straight face; he grows even more agitated, but I press on.] “Why didn’t You just say that? *Mocking God* I am that I am…what’s all that about?”

God: “You are already headed to Hell. Do you think it is wise to mock me?”

Me: “I’m going to Hell? What the Hell? What did I ever do to You?”

God: “Is that a serious question?”

Me: “Why do You keep asking me a questions? Shouldn’t you already know the answers…I thought you were all knowing?”

God: “I allow people to have free will. You make the choices and I will make the judgments. The fool’s mouth is his ruin; his lips are a snare to his life.”

Me: “Ok, You definitely need to come up with new material; that’s Proverbs 18-7. And why do You keep calling me a fool? Do You want to go to Hell with me? Need I remind His Highness of what you said in Matthew 5-22? ‘…And whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna’.”

God: “Clever! You’re laughing now but, he who laughs last–laughs best.”

Me: “That’s not from the Bible.”

God: “But I did invent it. It is I who is the inventor of all.”

Me: “What is all this, anyways? Why am I here? I thought I was going to Hell?”

God: “Oh, but you are my child! Before I send people to Hell, I like to converse with them.”

Me: “This is messed up! If I’m your child, why are you sending me to Hell? Can’t I go to my room, or be on timeout or something?”

God: “It is too late for forgiveness. I have already made my decision. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.”

Me: ”Really? You’re seriously going to quote Ramsey’s the second from the movie ‘The Ten Commandments?’ He wasn’t on your side, he was against Moses, remember?”

God: “Well, my good friend Charlton Heston is here and he always shivers when he hears me say that line.”

Me: “Hold on. If you have a sense of humor, why am I going to Hell? Didn’t you find some of the material funny? You have to admit, that Virgin Birth was hilarious.”

God: “Let me see. *tapping his index finger on his jaw and looking off to the left* You created a story in which Mary, the virgin-woman who I personally chose to be the mother of my son, is a common whore. I wonder why I don’t see the humor in that?”

Me: “Ok, I get it – you were pissed. Fine, send me to Hell; I don’t even care.”

God: “Before you go, I want you to answer me this? Why would someone who knows so much about the Bible, decide to be an atheist?”

Me: “Did you read that book? C’mon!” *Shrugs shoulder* “Why would you give me the ability to learn so much about the contradictions in the Bible, and the fallacies of the church, then expect me to still believe? You entrapped me, if you really think about it; isn’t that illegal or something?”

God: “I’ll look into it.” *a piece of parchment appears in his right hand, and a fountain pen in his left. He writes down some notes, then crumbles up the sheepskin and tosses it into a campfire which also appears.*

[I shake my head]

God: “You grew up in an extremely religious family; I gave you all of the opportunities to succeed, but you decided to leave the church. Why?”

Me: “Because you gave me the ability to use logic; how was I supposed to believe in your existence? There are people who grow up in remote jungles all over the world and they have zero ability to learn about you; how are they supposed to get into Heaven?”

God: “Easy…they’re not! The people who grow up in remote jungles are the one’s who commit unimaginable atrocities while they are on earth, yet stand before me and beg for forgiveness. In an effort to show mercy, I give them a second chance to gain entrance into Heaven.”

Me: “That’s cold, but I guess I understand now. But wait! What about all of the missionaries who risk their lives to teach the native people about the ‘Word of the Lord;’ doesn’t that ruin your plan?”

God: “Yes! Indeed it does. Those missionaries are always sent to Hell. Well, almost…I’m not going to send Tim Tebow to Hell!”

[I laugh]

Me: “Of course not! Everyone on earth knows Tebow is coming up here.”

God: “Yeah, St Peter is getting tired of being the gatekeeper; we’re just waiting for Tebow to come and replace him.”

Me: “Makes sense. I must say, you make it so difficult to get into Heaven. That’s one thing I’ve always wanted to ask…does the devil win most of the souls from earth?”

God: “Basically…it’s about 90-10.”

Me: “90-10? Wow! I knew it was bad, but I didn’t think it was that bad. So all of those people who went to church every Sunday and judged me for being an atheist, yet, lived ungodly lives…HELL?”

God: “Do you even have to ask?”

ME: “I guess I can at least take solace in that. *I nod my head approvingly* Since I’m here, I might as well make a suggestion. I’m going to throw this out there, if you don’t like it, you can throw it right back. The reason I think the devil is killing you, in the soul-gathering game, is your strategy; you need to rework your whole approach. I would say the main thing that you are lacking is a guarantee.”

[Crosses his arms and shakes his head.]

God: “Is that right?”

Me: “Yeah! Let me explain. You see, the devil doesn’t mess around. He comes out straight with it, ‘follow my example and I GUARANTEE you entrance into the kingdom of Hell.’ He doesn’t put any stipulations on it or anything. Straight up, real talk. It’s plain as day. You do evil, and he will accept you. You on the other hand, what’s with all the rules? I mean, someone can live a pious life, but make a few mistakes and not gain entrance into Heaven. People might as well be bad…at least you know what the outcome will be.”

God: “Sounds good to me! You chose the devil’s guarantee, so you know where you’re going.”

ME: “It’s OK; I don’t mind. Heaven seems boring as Hell. Excuse the pun. I’d rather be in Hell anyways, that’s where all the fun people are at! I’m sure it’ll suck at first but, after a while, I’ll adjust to the flames. Eventually, it’ll be on and poppin’.”

God: “I’d be lying if I said this conversation wasn’t amusing, but your time is up. Enjoy the heat! Oh yeah, watch your ass – they separate the men from the women down there!”

Me: “WHAT? That doesn’t seem fair for straight guys! You mean to tell me that I have to spend an eternity with a bunch of sweaty men? How come gay dudes get to be together?”

God: “What can I tell you…the devil’s gay! You should have considered that before you followed him.”

[I slowly begin to descend.]

Me: “Followed him? What are you talking about, followed him? I was an atheist, not a devil worshipper! Hey Big G! Stop this thing…we have to talk!”

God: “Have fun!”

Me: “FUCK!”

God: “Literally!”


Back to reality. That would suck ass! Too bad it’ll never happen!!!

“Thank “god” I’m an atheist” – Salvador Dali

Isn’t it ironic *Alanis Morissette singing in the background*