Tag Archives: God

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I came out about two years ago. At first, I didn’t want to come out, but I finally gained the courage to be an example to any young child who considers himself or herself to be “different.” It’s not what you think; I’m not talking about THE “coming out!” It was scary, but I finally admitted to myself, and to the world, that I was an atheist. (I’m just kidding about being scared!)

Discovering the truth about the entire world’s many faiths is an extremely freeing experience. I especially enjoy poking fun at those who honestly believe their specific myth to be true. For example, here is my Easter-related Facebook post:

     “Congrats to everyone who made it through the entire 40 days of sacrifice! Now that Easter is here and Lent is over, I can go back to coveting all the things that I desire; especially some of these wives! (I’ll never give that up again!)”     

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t get the opportunity to choose my religious beliefs; like most people around the world, I was forced by my parents to join their faith. My forehead was doused with “holy water” and I became a Catholic. It didn’t take long for me to begin doubting many of the traditions, but I did was I was told. (Thankfully, our neighborhood wasn’t a target area for the Church’s pious-pedophiles, so I was never asked to “scrape my knees up for the lord!”)

At the age of twelve, I was given the power to either choose to attend “god’s house of boy-rape” or stay home and watch cartoons on the USA network. It’s obvious I didn’t lose any sleep over this “major dilemma!”

Missing Sunday mass turned out to be the gateway-drug to my atheism. Once I began to avoid the weekly wash and allowed my mind to get dirty, there was no turning back. I didn’t fear “god” and I wasn’t afraid to push the envelope push the expensive glass vase. (Why would anyone fear a being that doesn’t exist outside of the big picture-free comic book, called the bible!)

***If you are unfamiliar with the phrase, “pushing the expensive glass vase,” read my previous post: What Does That Even Mean!***

     It was almost as if I was a religious slave and a prophet demanded that the Pope let his people go; atheism was my liberty. For days, I ran around the Charles River, yelling, “LIBERTAD! LIBERTAD!” I was finally free!

OR SO I THOUGHT!

Recently, it was brought to my attention that I was not free. Apparently, the Church does not just allow members to leave. There are strict guidelines which must be followed, in order to leave. I heard of “Blood In Blood Out” but Water In Water Out is news to me! I’m not even sure how one goes about getting “watered out!” It looks like I’ll be a Catholic for life; don’t get me wrong, I want to leave the Church, but I’m definitely not willing to drown to death!

EXCOMMUNICATION:  an ecclesiastical censure depriving a person of the rights of church membership.

The information regarding the process is too extensive for me to include in this post, but basically, a Bishop is the lowest level Church official who can grant excommunication. At first, I thought about going through the long process, but then I realized that I don’t want to quit the Church; I want to be thrown out! It is my desire to become the Vatican’s worst offender. (This is a lofty goal, since Hitler and the infinite number of pedophilic-priests failed to lose their memberships in the “god’s organization!”)

For the time being, it appears that I’m stuck with the Church and the Church is stuck with me! Let’s hope I can make this happen!

@PeteTeix617

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“God” Is Bad, All The Time

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I can’t think of a more annoying phrase than, “‘God’ is good, all the time!” I’m an atheist, so this phrase is not only irritating, but it’s impossible; “god” is imaginary. Instead of just calling people who utter this phrase, idiots, I decided to use reason to prove the hollowness of this claim.

We all know “god” doesn’t exist in the real world, but he is a character in Judeo-Christian mythology. Using the bible as my source, I will show that “god” is indeed, bad. (I refer to “god” as a male because the bible was written by misogynistic storytellers who clearly wrote about a male deity. Furthermore, if the character known as “god” was a woman, the story of Jesus’ birth becomes a lesbian love affair and according to the “god-fearing” people who protest around the world, “’god’ hates gays!” ***They use a different word.***)

I have no idea at which point in history people lost their minds, but “god” has never been good. I’ll give the character some credit for creating the universe, but we can’t assume that any being that creates a universe is automatically “good.” (Especially when we know the being to be a certified jackass!)

People always give “god” credit for their “blessings” during joyous occasions, but they fail to realize that “god” has nothing to do with anything deemed to be “good.” An example of this misdirected gratitude happens whenever a person enters a hospital and is cured of some fatal disease. What people neglect to remember is the fact that “god” has always been against the advancement of human knowledge. (His followers do a good job of continuing this tradition of contra-intelligence!) If we look to the bible, it is clear that “god” doesn’t want people to be intelligent.

When the devil, the real “good” character in Judeo-Christian mythology, enters the Garden of Eden, he shares his wisdom with Adam and Eve in order to allow for them to be more self-sufficient, but “god” becomes angry. “God” doesn’t want Adam and Eve to be intelligent; he’d prefer for them to do as he says without questioning his orders. (What an evil asshole! I think it’s clear that every case of domestic violence comes from this character flaw that has been instilled in people who believe in “god.” I’ve never heard of an atheist beating on a spouse!)

The Garden of Eden story should cause people to appreciate the knowledge given to them by the devil, but somehow, the boy-touching priests were able to paint “god” as the good guy and people agreed without questioning the facts. (Clearly, it is evident that the closer someone is to “god,” the dumber they are!)

Another example of “god” being bad is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, the people of these two cities were not living a “godly-life,” but death and destruction was probably a bit overboard. Instead of sending down a couple of angels and teaching the people how to improve their lives, “god” decided to just extinguish the cities; killing all of the inhabitants. (This guy is the king of “do as I say and not as I do!” “God” is a dick; whatever the hell happened to forgiveness? Did I misread the “good book,” because I swear I remember something about people forgiving others?)

Jewish people claim to be “the chosen people.” I can’t argue with that. First, “god” asks Abraham to kill his son. Then, right when the pious Abraham is about to obey orders, “god” says, “you’ve just been punk’d!” Are you kidding me? What kind of a psycho jokes around by torturing a child and his family? (We don’t have to get into the record of “god’s” church and the children the institution is entrusted to protect!)

This “god” guy is the worst CEO in the history of the world. First, he chooses the Israelites to be his people, and then he decides to abuse the hell out of them. The chosen people suffered through Egyptian slavery, being blamed for killing Jesus, the holocaust, and being blamed for killing Jesus by Mel Gibson! I get it; the chosen people were eventually rewarded for their faith, but at what cost? I’m not sure if they are thankful, but the gift seems pretty shitty to me. What did “god” give them as a reward? Honestly, the most inconsiderate gift ever; a country in the Middle East, surrounded by anti-Semitic rulers, one of whom said “Israel should be wiped off the map!” (Gee thanks, big guy. I’m sure all the suffering was worth it!)

As if abusing his chosen people wasn’t enough, this CEO went on to be the worst general manager ever. He continuously picks horrible men to lead his church. Hey dumbass, if the guy enjoys raping children, DON’T CALL HIM TO SERVE AS A PRIEST! It’s really simple but this all-powerful, all-knowing loser is so bad. Seriously, what the hell does he think is going to happen? (I don’t know which is worst, “god’s” choices or the people who CHOOSE to follow him!)

If a man is jealous, he’s a bad boyfriend. Same goes for a jealous “god;” he is a bad character in the bible. Let’s also remember some of “god’s” creations. People are always quick to point out the good ones, without giving any thought to the bad ones. Cancer, AIDS, famine, plague, chicken pox, Gigli, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, weapons of mass destruction, snow, cold-weather (Never mind; these don’t apply anymore!), death, crack, blowjobs with condoms, etc…  (Bad “god!” If only we had the ability to wipe his face in the metaphorical piss that he showers onto our newly-stained figurative hardwood floors!)

I think my point has been made. No one can argue that “god” is not bad. If I really wanted to, I could continue to point out an infinite amount of examples to show just how bad this character is, but that is not necessary. I don’t mind people believing in the bible, but at least get it right, THE DEVIL SHOULD BE YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. The next time one of your family members survives cancer, thank the devil for providing the doctor with the intelligence to figure out a cure. (While you’re at it, don’t forget to say, “fuck you for creating cancer, bad ‘god!’”)

Oh yeah, how can I forget. The idiot appeared as a burning bush. Are you freaking kidding me? A BURNING BUSH! Do I even have to mention that burning bushes are bad? Seriously, this guy couldn’t think of anything else other than showing up as an STD? I thought Steve Carell was out of touch in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but Moses risked his life and challenged the mighty Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses, and successfully freed his people, for a burning bush. (Talk about putting the pussy on the pedestal!)

BURNING BUSH

     “GOD” IS BAD, ALL THE TIME!

@PeteTeix617

Little Caesars Is Dead To Me

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I will never purchase anything from this company for the rest of my life. (Unless they repay me for my horrible experience!)

To be honest, the pizza isn’t good. (I know this may sound like the opinion of a disgruntled customer, but the only reason I went to the place is because of their “Hot-N-Ready” pizza which only costs five dollars and can be purchased with no wait. I am generally impatient so the quality of the food was less important than the quantity of time I saved.

Banning myself from this franchise may seem like an insignificant thing, but I was actually excited when I found out that Little Caesars wasn’t extinct. Once upon a time, while living in Boston, I enjoyed walking down to the local strip to purchase video games from Kmart. (I find it strange when “grown” men get excited about video games. They were a big part of my life, but like most childish things, I grew out of that phase. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t have any desire to get involved in “gaming!”)

The only Little Caesars in the city (As far as I can remember) was located in the Kmart. [The Kmart is now a Target. I was also elated to discover that there are three Kmarts fairly close to where I live. I don’t have any desire to shop there, but it’s nice to know that Kmart is alive and kicking!] After a few years, the shitty Little Caesars was removed from the Kmart and replaced with something else. (I admit, that was a jab at the company!)

The Horrible Incident:

Like I stated before, I didn’t mind the shitty pizza because of my lack of patience. To the best of my knowledge, this horrible incident happened during my third visit to the establishment, located in North Hollywood; a stone’s throw from our previous apartment. (I said I didn’t mind the shitty pizza, but I prefer to eat good food, so I only went to this place as a last resort, because the quality was pretty low and my only mission was to get some crap inside my belly!)

I drove down to the Little Caesars and decided to skip the Hot-N-Ready crap and hope the regular pie (Can you tell I lived in the New Jersey!) was of a higher quality. I ordered the Hawaiian because pineapple is the world’s number one pizza topping. (If you don’t like pineapples on your pizza, you’re probably a dumbass!) The friendly pizza technician informed me that there will be a fifteen minute wait. I accepted her terms and handed over my debit card to complete the transaction.

Two minutes after placing my order, the girl who “helped me” ended her shift and left. Five minutes crawled by before I almost lost my mind. Thankfully, “god” worked in a mysterious way and sent an angel to perform a miracle. My pizza was ready, ten minutes early, and it tasted like one which was flown in from Italy and created by Anna Maria Garoscio. (Google her!)

Just kidding! “god” doesn’t exist and the story is a complete fabrication. Although, If it was written in the bible, a billion people would accept it as true!

I turned to my right and noticed a wondrous site; a Seven Eleven. (In Boston, Seven Elevens are rare, but in Los Angeles, you can’t go three blocks without driving past one!) I walked towards the convenience store and bought some drinks. I also decided to by a two dollar scratch because the person who gets paid to place products in the best location to increase sales knows me all too well and I couldn’t resist. (I don’t have a gambling problem, but I typically buy a scratch every two months or so.) I walked back to the Low-Quality-Pizza-Mart and sat down.

Now, a total of seventeen minutes had elapsed. The new counter girl asked if I was ready to order and I informed her that I was waiting for my Hawaiian pizza. She went to the back and it seemed as if no one knew about my purchase. The manager, who was in his early thirties, seemed to be more interested in the sexual lives of his high school employees than ensuring that I was a satisfied customer. (I don’t want to call this guy a pedophile, but I’m almost certain that he was working to pay tuition at the local seminary! ***With all the money that the pedophiles collect each Sunday, you would think seminarians wouldn’t have to pay tuition, but the Catholic church is a well-oiled money making machine!***)

The girl returns and informs me that my pizza would be ready shortly. I was pretty sure that they were just about to start making it. After another ten minutes of torture, I lost my cool and decided to leave before I voiced my obscenity-laced-opinions.

That’s right; I took the loss and went home, sans crappy pizza. The way I see it, it only cost me eight bucks to discover that Little Caesars is a horrible business. For the rest of my life, I will never spend another cent in any of their locations. The good news is the 20 bucks I won when I scratched the ticket. (Thanks magical lottery deity!)

I guess the real point of this post is for me to say “FUCK LITTLE CAESARS!”

@PeteTeix617

Fuck The Quitting Ass Ex-Pope

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

*****     Before I dive into the controversial heading, I would like to take a moment to discuss my lack of content. February has been a hectic month. As much as I enjoyed living in Los Angeles, we had to make a difficult decision and chose to leave. That’s right; I no longer live in Los Angeles.

It’s not what you think. I didn’t fail miserably and realize that I am incapable of making a life for myself on the west coast. We simply moved to Burbank which is only one town south of North Hollywood. (I don’t even have to change my cleaners!)

     Now that I am resettled and once again a member of the twenty first century with internet service, I plan on writing more frequently. *****

 

Obviously, those who are familiar with my work will probably assume that this is some anti-religion, anti-Catholicism, atheist rant, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am not saying “fuck the quitting ass ex-pope” out of spite, or hatred; I honestly have a legitimate reason for my vitriol.

Here is why I have a major beef with the man “god” chose to lead his flock. (For an all-powerful being “god” sucks at picking leaders. An unimaginable number of pedophiles and now a quitter! I don’t know about you but I think someone needs to tell this guy that he is not CEO material!)

I have a completed manuscript which took a great deal of blood sweat and tears to produce. In order to write my novel, I did some extensive research and discovered that there were a couple examples of popes who actually resigned from the position of “Pedophilias Maximus!”  A fact that is not well-known.

Now, because of this selfish jackass, formerly known as Benedict (Arnold) XVI, I have to re-write an entire freaking chapter. What a wicked pissah! (You can take the man out of Boston, but you can’t take the Boston out of the man!)

***I actually have never uttered those words unless it was in jest!***

     I’ll go back to the drawing board and rewrite the chapter to include the latest quitter.

Another reason I am upset with Mr. “share-the-passion-of-the-Christ-with-the-boys-of-the-world” is the fact that his inability to deal with the shit storm that is about to overtake the Catholic Church forced me to change my Facebook profile.

As soon as I heard the announcement I posted this status:

“Today is a sad day. Due to the Pope’s decision to quit, I will be forced to retire my profile pic on February 28th @ 8:00pm Vatican time.”

     Here is my previous profile pic, which I created and loved:

RICH POPE

     Here is my new profile pic which I found online and I love.

rapist pope

     Most people pray for the pope to live a long healthy life, but I enjoy the conclave. I just love the excitement of watching the smoke rise from the chimney and waiting to see who will lead the next generation of pedophiles. (This feud will continue as long as that guy breathes the good lord’s air!)

I have a lot more to say about this quitter, but I’ll save my comments for my post about a church related documentary!

@PeteTeix617

Thanksgiving Day 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Living in California, one may think that I spent Thanksgiving Day eating a turkey sub with cranberry juice, but one would be mistaken.

A big advantage of having a large family is the fact that wherever you go, you’ll possibly run into some “kinfolk!” (This word is now a part of my daily vocabulary since I watched the E:60 documentary about Jason Tuck!)

It’s great to be able to move across the country and share a beautiful and tasty Thanksgiving meal with friends and family. The day was great and our hosts were amazing. My favorite part of the evening came when I was presented with the opportunity to break out my “g“ card!

I don’t like to conform to anything, so I’m not big on being thankful on “turkey day,” but I was thankful for the opportunity to break out my “g” card!

The day was going well and it was time for dinner. Before we ate, everyone gathered in a large circle and bowed their heads while a guest said grace. I am incapable of paying attention to anyone who is praying because I equate the ritual to a stand-up comedian bringing down the house with hilarious material.

I have no idea what was said, but I’m pretty certain it went something like, “’god,’ ‘god,’ he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can!”

While the others either listened to the prayer or pretended to listen, my mind went on a journey. I didn’t bother closing my eyes, like everyone else; I looked around and created random thoughts about each person in the room.

I don’t really remember exactly what my thoughts were, but this is a general idea of what came to my mind:

  •   “I wonder if my cousin is wondering what’s going on in my head while these people are praying!”
  •   “I wonder if anyone really believes that ‘god’ put this food on the table!”
  •   “I feel sorry for the women who actually cooked dinner and are giving the glory to their imaginary friend!”
  •   “That chick is kind of hot; I would definitely ask her to ‘go steady’ and let her wear my Varsity jacket!”
  •   …and so on!

Sadly, the prayer went by really quick so I didn’t get to everyone in the room. The night went like any other Thanksgiving Day; great food, great company, and COLD ASS WEATHER! (Just kidding, it was hot as hell because I live in Southern California!)

   

 This is what our prayer circle looked like!

@PeteTeix617

I Miss My “God”

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

For some reason, I was inspired to rewrite Lil Wayne’s song, I Miss My Dawgs.

 

I Miss My “God”

Verse 1

And man I miss the times,

that I lied,

you would keep on your side

You would teach me not to cry

and you would teach me about pride

Then I’d grab the bible,

go over the lines

I believed the same tradition,

but then I changed position, shit

I had to change, but I miss ya,

and its strange

but I, never forget ya

I know I put you in them Facebook memes wodie

You can’t be angry about the dissing wodie

That’s right,

you never replied,

and never will,

you don’t exist homie

Before I die,

It ain’t no lie

I’ll teach the kids homie

My knowledge is theirs

I gotta give homie,

and yea

Some people still follow in this bitch homie

Yea, St Patrick’s still represent homie, shit homie

I know the real

Is you feeling me Jizzle

That altar boy shit, still in me Jizzle,

word the giggity Jizzle

But I ain’t got time to change the history

I miss you and I know you missing me

Jesus

 

HOOK

 Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)

 

Verse 2

And I remember when I prayed for the “truth”

Went to Catholic school, but never stayed for the “truth,”

Escaped to BLS during my youth

I emptied my school bag and ran for new tools

I went with the big bang and away from your rules

So I decided not to hang around and listen to your fools

And I was alone in my views, my church was angry at the schools, shit

But I knew I’d be straight

Vowed to stay away from the hate

Stopped going to mass and ignored all the fake

I was waiting for their anger to rise,

See I was patient so there was no surprise

Your building is filled only with lies

Real students never fear myths

But every faith ain’t filled with stories that’s real

You’re not real

You know I would quickly change my ways not turn you down

But you can never come around

motherfucker

History is history

I miss you and I know you missing me

Jesus

 

HOOK

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)

 

Verse 3

You was my guidance, my joy, my heart, my teacher

My main motherfucker the preacher

My brother, my pastor,

I was apprentice, he was master

I questioned, he schooled,

I challenged, he fooled

We sang, we prayed,

Poor people still paid

I was hip to the game,

Saw the answers were lame

Remember my questions, I was skeptical

I remained in trouble every day ‘cause your logic was terrible

Remember that I’d leave, and, my bible stayed behind

You told me not to research on my own, but I was straight on the grind

While I watched how you lied to the laity

Including my family and friends, your methods are shady

Yea I hate those times my “brother”

Now I recognize real you were never my brother

Yea, I realize my “brother,”

I got my brothers

The men you leave behind are my brothers

 

HOOK

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass we were counting cash (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)

 

Simply put, I think I just miss being dumb!

@PeteTeix617

Nostra-Dog-Mus

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Once upon a time, in the small town of Teec Nos Pos, Arizona, near the famous four corners, there lived a unique canine. The mayor of Teec Nos Pos found the dog while on a family trip to the border where Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah connect. Immediately, the mayor’s son, little Thomas bonded with his new best friend, Spot.

Thomas and Spot were inseparable; the two friends went everywhere together. One day, Thomas decided to go swimming at the creek and he discovered that his wallet was missing from his pants. The water was too cold for Spot’s liking, so he remained near his owner’s possessions.

There were two boys sitting near Thomas’ pants, but each child denied taking the wallet. “Too bad you’re not a talking dog, buddy.” Thomas said to his pet.

Spot barked and the boys appeared to be nervous; it was as if the dog was trying to identify the culprit. Just for kicks, Thomas asked, “did Roger take my wallet?”

Spot did not respond.

“Did Chris take my wallet?” Thomas asked.

Spot began to bark. Amazingly, Chris was overcome with guilt and finally admitted to taking the wallet.

Thomas couldn’t believe that his dog could understand what he was saying. It turned out that Spot could actually answer any question. Spot predicted the weather. “Spot, will it rain tomorrow?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

He picked out criminals from police lineups. “Spot, did Mr. Tennyson steal the car?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

Spot even solved some of life’s biggest mysteries. “Spot, is there life on other planets?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

One afternoon, Thomas and his family returned to their home after a wonderful Sunday mass, and the boy decided to ask the one question that puzzled him. “Spot, is there a god?”

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Mother fucker, are you fucking crazy?” The dog spoke!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

An Overdue Conversation

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture because the floor was comfortable enough to either lie on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made up of some weird reinforced cloud material. They were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized that there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out that these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be a mist, which continued to take different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person here who is never happy.”

Being 2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being 1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being 2: “You never apologized for making me go through unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being 1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being 2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being 1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is really bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus: ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I same you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was over-thinking things but I was too afraid to take the first step. I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean kind of?”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, and completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth for a second without seeing some slut, whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorrah all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation, but when I said hello, no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven when I die?”

God: “Of course. I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, If I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Me: “This is refreshing; I always figured that the two of you quoted Bible quotes whenever you spoke. That would have been annoying.”

God: “I have nothing to do with that book. I sent Jesus to teach the humans that the Bible is a bunch of mythological stories and not the word of the Lord, but instead of listening to him, they went ahead and added a new freaking Testament. I gave up trying to get through to those religious nuts!”

Me: “I hear you; they’re impossible to reason with.”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me. And Bro, I’m glad you finally got all those feelings off your chest; unnecessary stress can kill you.”

Jesus: “Thanks!”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved the book. You should be proud of the finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there anyway  you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

God: “I’m just not into gossiping.”

[I turn to Jesus.]

Me: “Don’t worry big bro; I’m going to build the largest most panty-droppingest mansion, ever. You’ll be taking that pussy down from the pedestal in no time!”

Jesus: “I can’t wait!”

[In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for her assistance before leaving. I didn’t feel the need to share any of the details with her and she never inquired.]

{THE END}

I can’t wait to carry out the mission!

@PeteTeix617

When WWJD Goes Bad

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Most people are familiar with the New York mafia. The Commission, made up of the Five Families ruled the underworld with the precision of a hidden underground mafia organization. (Sometimes, I just don’t feel like coming up with analogies!)

What people fail to realize is the fact that there was one ruling family, The Vaticano, which ran the criminal underworld prior to the Five Families. The family’s patriarch, Don Agostino, was an extremely religious man who ruled with the ruthlessness of a 15th Century Roman Catholic Pope. (Sometimes, I love creating analogies!)

Don Agostino killed indiscriminately, but he loved the lord and believed that it was the god’s will for him to rid the world of sinners. (This guy was more hypocritical than the Pope condemning pedophilia!)

The Don often quoted the bible before sending out one if his henchmen to perform a hit on an enemy. Don Agostino believed that he was lord of the underworld and his soldiers were his lions. The Don often paraphrased 1 Kings 20:35-36. Is most famous line was, “since my enemies did not obey the voice of the lord, a lion will kill him.” (The Don never understood the concept of blasphemy!)

Although he was an evil man who committed unspeakable acts, Don Agostino often asked himself, “what would Jesus do” before making difficult decisions. Strangely, the Don believed that he was living in the image of Christ. The family continued to rule the criminal underworld in the United States for a quarter of a century, until one major decision ended his reign.

The Don didn’t believe in having one underboss, so he appointed a commission of six trusted advisers. Five of the men are well-known, but the sixth man’s name is never to be mentioned again. The five advisers were named Tommy Lucchese, Vito Genovese, Carlo Gambino, Joe Bonanno, and Joe Profaci. It was Carlo Gambino who uncovered a secret plot against the Don Agostino. Gambino revealed that the sixth advisor was planning to assassinate Don Vaticano, in order to take over the family.

The Don thanked Carlo Gambino for his loyalty then retreated to his library in order to plan his course of action. This is where the Don made his fatal mistake. Don Agostino Vaticano asked himself, “what would Jesus Do?” After a long night of contemplation, the Don arranged a dinner with his six advisers.

The Don wanted to have a last supper with his most trusted underbosses. The dinner was set for Easter Sunday, and located at a five star restaurant in the middle of Manhattan. The seven men enjoyed a delectable meal, and then the Don stood up to speak.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “I want to thank all of you for your loyalty. Together, we have ruled this country and made millions of dollars. I wish this was a celebratory dinner, but I speak with a heavy heart.”

The Don’s eyes began to water as he spoke. The men were speechless while they sat and watched their fearless leader struggle to address them. After a moment to compose himself, the Don continued.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “It has been brought to my attention that one of you is planning to betray me. This news has caused me a great deal of anguish; the six of you are like sons to me. I decided to have this last dinner before our family is torn apart; I will deal with the dissenter in the appropriate manner.”

The Don made the decision to follow in Jesus’ footsteps, but it was a rookie mistake. The sixth advisor realized that his plan was no longer a secret so he did the only thing he could do; he brandished a firearm and shot Don Agostino in cold blood. Carlo Gambino reacted quickly and shot the traitor before he could cause any more damage.

The Don died instantly. He did not have any sons, so the five remaining advisers created a commission and split up the city amongst themselves.

[The End]

     If you ever find yourself in a conundrum, don’t ask, “what would Jesus do?” (Unless you want to die as he did!)

***This was a true story based on a fictional tale, created by me!***

     Personally, I think Jesus would go all out for a Klondike Bar. This may seem like a difficult question to answer, but it’s pretty obvious what would happen. First, Jesus would invent a massive chest freezer, since refrigeration wasn’t invented during his mythical life on earth. The next thing Jesus would do is recreate his famous “fish trick,” by cloning more Klondike Bars. (I chose to go with cloning because we all know Jesus was about that science life!) Once Jesus filled the freezer with a year’s supply of Klondike Bars, he would make the owner of the original ice cream bar as his most trusted apostle. The two men would then offer a free Klondike Bar to everyone who accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. The people who failed to follow Christ, would be banished to Hell. (In this instance, Hell is simply being forced to live in Jerusalem’s desert climate without a Klondike Bar!)

Please feel free to submit your answers to the all-important question, “WHAT WOULD JESUS DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR!”

I believe it was Forrest Gump who said, “religion is like a box of chocolates; you have to pay for it!”

@PeteTeix617