Tag Archives: Faith

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I came out about two years ago. At first, I didn’t want to come out, but I finally gained the courage to be an example to any young child who considers himself or herself to be “different.” It’s not what you think; I’m not talking about THE “coming out!” It was scary, but I finally admitted to myself, and to the world, that I was an atheist. (I’m just kidding about being scared!)

Discovering the truth about the entire world’s many faiths is an extremely freeing experience. I especially enjoy poking fun at those who honestly believe their specific myth to be true. For example, here is my Easter-related Facebook post:

     “Congrats to everyone who made it through the entire 40 days of sacrifice! Now that Easter is here and Lent is over, I can go back to coveting all the things that I desire; especially some of these wives! (I’ll never give that up again!)”     

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t get the opportunity to choose my religious beliefs; like most people around the world, I was forced by my parents to join their faith. My forehead was doused with “holy water” and I became a Catholic. It didn’t take long for me to begin doubting many of the traditions, but I did was I was told. (Thankfully, our neighborhood wasn’t a target area for the Church’s pious-pedophiles, so I was never asked to “scrape my knees up for the lord!”)

At the age of twelve, I was given the power to either choose to attend “god’s house of boy-rape” or stay home and watch cartoons on the USA network. It’s obvious I didn’t lose any sleep over this “major dilemma!”

Missing Sunday mass turned out to be the gateway-drug to my atheism. Once I began to avoid the weekly wash and allowed my mind to get dirty, there was no turning back. I didn’t fear “god” and I wasn’t afraid to push the envelope push the expensive glass vase. (Why would anyone fear a being that doesn’t exist outside of the big picture-free comic book, called the bible!)

***If you are unfamiliar with the phrase, “pushing the expensive glass vase,” read my previous post: What Does That Even Mean!***

     It was almost as if I was a religious slave and a prophet demanded that the Pope let his people go; atheism was my liberty. For days, I ran around the Charles River, yelling, “LIBERTAD! LIBERTAD!” I was finally free!

OR SO I THOUGHT!

Recently, it was brought to my attention that I was not free. Apparently, the Church does not just allow members to leave. There are strict guidelines which must be followed, in order to leave. I heard of “Blood In Blood Out” but Water In Water Out is news to me! I’m not even sure how one goes about getting “watered out!” It looks like I’ll be a Catholic for life; don’t get me wrong, I want to leave the Church, but I’m definitely not willing to drown to death!

EXCOMMUNICATION:  an ecclesiastical censure depriving a person of the rights of church membership.

The information regarding the process is too extensive for me to include in this post, but basically, a Bishop is the lowest level Church official who can grant excommunication. At first, I thought about going through the long process, but then I realized that I don’t want to quit the Church; I want to be thrown out! It is my desire to become the Vatican’s worst offender. (This is a lofty goal, since Hitler and the infinite number of pedophilic-priests failed to lose their memberships in the “god’s organization!”)

For the time being, it appears that I’m stuck with the Church and the Church is stuck with me! Let’s hope I can make this happen!

@PeteTeix617

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“God” Is Bad, All The Time

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I can’t think of a more annoying phrase than, “‘God’ is good, all the time!” I’m an atheist, so this phrase is not only irritating, but it’s impossible; “god” is imaginary. Instead of just calling people who utter this phrase, idiots, I decided to use reason to prove the hollowness of this claim.

We all know “god” doesn’t exist in the real world, but he is a character in Judeo-Christian mythology. Using the bible as my source, I will show that “god” is indeed, bad. (I refer to “god” as a male because the bible was written by misogynistic storytellers who clearly wrote about a male deity. Furthermore, if the character known as “god” was a woman, the story of Jesus’ birth becomes a lesbian love affair and according to the “god-fearing” people who protest around the world, “’god’ hates gays!” ***They use a different word.***)

I have no idea at which point in history people lost their minds, but “god” has never been good. I’ll give the character some credit for creating the universe, but we can’t assume that any being that creates a universe is automatically “good.” (Especially when we know the being to be a certified jackass!)

People always give “god” credit for their “blessings” during joyous occasions, but they fail to realize that “god” has nothing to do with anything deemed to be “good.” An example of this misdirected gratitude happens whenever a person enters a hospital and is cured of some fatal disease. What people neglect to remember is the fact that “god” has always been against the advancement of human knowledge. (His followers do a good job of continuing this tradition of contra-intelligence!) If we look to the bible, it is clear that “god” doesn’t want people to be intelligent.

When the devil, the real “good” character in Judeo-Christian mythology, enters the Garden of Eden, he shares his wisdom with Adam and Eve in order to allow for them to be more self-sufficient, but “god” becomes angry. “God” doesn’t want Adam and Eve to be intelligent; he’d prefer for them to do as he says without questioning his orders. (What an evil asshole! I think it’s clear that every case of domestic violence comes from this character flaw that has been instilled in people who believe in “god.” I’ve never heard of an atheist beating on a spouse!)

The Garden of Eden story should cause people to appreciate the knowledge given to them by the devil, but somehow, the boy-touching priests were able to paint “god” as the good guy and people agreed without questioning the facts. (Clearly, it is evident that the closer someone is to “god,” the dumber they are!)

Another example of “god” being bad is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, the people of these two cities were not living a “godly-life,” but death and destruction was probably a bit overboard. Instead of sending down a couple of angels and teaching the people how to improve their lives, “god” decided to just extinguish the cities; killing all of the inhabitants. (This guy is the king of “do as I say and not as I do!” “God” is a dick; whatever the hell happened to forgiveness? Did I misread the “good book,” because I swear I remember something about people forgiving others?)

Jewish people claim to be “the chosen people.” I can’t argue with that. First, “god” asks Abraham to kill his son. Then, right when the pious Abraham is about to obey orders, “god” says, “you’ve just been punk’d!” Are you kidding me? What kind of a psycho jokes around by torturing a child and his family? (We don’t have to get into the record of “god’s” church and the children the institution is entrusted to protect!)

This “god” guy is the worst CEO in the history of the world. First, he chooses the Israelites to be his people, and then he decides to abuse the hell out of them. The chosen people suffered through Egyptian slavery, being blamed for killing Jesus, the holocaust, and being blamed for killing Jesus by Mel Gibson! I get it; the chosen people were eventually rewarded for their faith, but at what cost? I’m not sure if they are thankful, but the gift seems pretty shitty to me. What did “god” give them as a reward? Honestly, the most inconsiderate gift ever; a country in the Middle East, surrounded by anti-Semitic rulers, one of whom said “Israel should be wiped off the map!” (Gee thanks, big guy. I’m sure all the suffering was worth it!)

As if abusing his chosen people wasn’t enough, this CEO went on to be the worst general manager ever. He continuously picks horrible men to lead his church. Hey dumbass, if the guy enjoys raping children, DON’T CALL HIM TO SERVE AS A PRIEST! It’s really simple but this all-powerful, all-knowing loser is so bad. Seriously, what the hell does he think is going to happen? (I don’t know which is worst, “god’s” choices or the people who CHOOSE to follow him!)

If a man is jealous, he’s a bad boyfriend. Same goes for a jealous “god;” he is a bad character in the bible. Let’s also remember some of “god’s” creations. People are always quick to point out the good ones, without giving any thought to the bad ones. Cancer, AIDS, famine, plague, chicken pox, Gigli, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, weapons of mass destruction, snow, cold-weather (Never mind; these don’t apply anymore!), death, crack, blowjobs with condoms, etc…  (Bad “god!” If only we had the ability to wipe his face in the metaphorical piss that he showers onto our newly-stained figurative hardwood floors!)

I think my point has been made. No one can argue that “god” is not bad. If I really wanted to, I could continue to point out an infinite amount of examples to show just how bad this character is, but that is not necessary. I don’t mind people believing in the bible, but at least get it right, THE DEVIL SHOULD BE YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. The next time one of your family members survives cancer, thank the devil for providing the doctor with the intelligence to figure out a cure. (While you’re at it, don’t forget to say, “fuck you for creating cancer, bad ‘god!’”)

Oh yeah, how can I forget. The idiot appeared as a burning bush. Are you freaking kidding me? A BURNING BUSH! Do I even have to mention that burning bushes are bad? Seriously, this guy couldn’t think of anything else other than showing up as an STD? I thought Steve Carell was out of touch in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but Moses risked his life and challenged the mighty Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses, and successfully freed his people, for a burning bush. (Talk about putting the pussy on the pedestal!)

BURNING BUSH

     “GOD” IS BAD, ALL THE TIME!

@PeteTeix617

Thanksgiving Day 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Living in California, one may think that I spent Thanksgiving Day eating a turkey sub with cranberry juice, but one would be mistaken.

A big advantage of having a large family is the fact that wherever you go, you’ll possibly run into some “kinfolk!” (This word is now a part of my daily vocabulary since I watched the E:60 documentary about Jason Tuck!)

It’s great to be able to move across the country and share a beautiful and tasty Thanksgiving meal with friends and family. The day was great and our hosts were amazing. My favorite part of the evening came when I was presented with the opportunity to break out my “g“ card!

I don’t like to conform to anything, so I’m not big on being thankful on “turkey day,” but I was thankful for the opportunity to break out my “g” card!

The day was going well and it was time for dinner. Before we ate, everyone gathered in a large circle and bowed their heads while a guest said grace. I am incapable of paying attention to anyone who is praying because I equate the ritual to a stand-up comedian bringing down the house with hilarious material.

I have no idea what was said, but I’m pretty certain it went something like, “’god,’ ‘god,’ he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can!”

While the others either listened to the prayer or pretended to listen, my mind went on a journey. I didn’t bother closing my eyes, like everyone else; I looked around and created random thoughts about each person in the room.

I don’t really remember exactly what my thoughts were, but this is a general idea of what came to my mind:

  •   “I wonder if my cousin is wondering what’s going on in my head while these people are praying!”
  •   “I wonder if anyone really believes that ‘god’ put this food on the table!”
  •   “I feel sorry for the women who actually cooked dinner and are giving the glory to their imaginary friend!”
  •   “That chick is kind of hot; I would definitely ask her to ‘go steady’ and let her wear my Varsity jacket!”
  •   …and so on!

Sadly, the prayer went by really quick so I didn’t get to everyone in the room. The night went like any other Thanksgiving Day; great food, great company, and COLD ASS WEATHER! (Just kidding, it was hot as hell because I live in Southern California!)

   

 This is what our prayer circle looked like!

@PeteTeix617

Inside The Numbers

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

In my previous post, I mentioned Jerry DeWitt. He is the first graduate of the Clergy Project. The purpose of the organization is to assist ranking members of religious institutions, from all faiths, with their transition to the real world. Apparently, there are many people who are leading double lives. These men and women preach to their respective faiths by day, but are atheists by night. (I had no idea!)

When I stop to think about it, I shouldn’t be surprised; I believe the more someone learns about religion, the closer the individual will move towards atheism. If you have a desire to learn more about the organization, or feel an obligation to help out your religious leader, here is the website! The Clergy Project

It’s great to see religious leaders staying true to themselves and leaving their faiths. It’s one thing for people to have faith, but convincing others of something that you don’t believe in, seems pretty evil. I may be wrong but this may be the beginning of a major exodus from religion to atheism. (The future is looking bright!)

To me, the most interesting comment I heard came from Jerry DeWitt. He wondered if the Pope was an atheist. At first, the question seems ridiculous, but after giving the matter some thought I realized that the Pope may indeed be an atheist. Honestly, the entire College of Cardinals may be made up of atheists. In fact, I think everyone is an atheist, deep down inside. People are just too afraid to face reality.

The biggest enemy of faith is and will always be reason. Faith and Reason have never been able to get along.

“Why?” You ask. It all started when they were children.

Faith and Reason grew up in the same neighborhood and attended the same high school. For years, Faith was bullied by Reason. Each day, Faith would attempt to find a new route to school in order to escape the torment, but Reason always found his little buddy and made life a living hell.

The bullying continued while the two were in high school, but the situation was not typical. This was not your basic dumb jock taking out his frustrations on the school nerd; Reason is a genius and Faith is a complete imbecile.

When asked about his son’s grades, Faith’s dad said, “my son ain’t know much about no fancy book learning.”

It was no surprise when Faith failed to graduate. In fact, his mother once said, “he has about a dead rooster’s chance of winning a cock fight!”

Reason, on the other hand, went on to great success after college. He’s a multi-Billionaire who hangs out with the Dos Equis man!

Faith was a horrible student, but he went on to acquire great wealth. He became a con man and spent his Sunday’s manipulating people out of their hard-earned money. The two have never been able to become friends because faith knows that Reason has the ability to shine a light on his scam. (Faith is a complete asshole!)

     Now that you understand why Reason is the enemy of Faith, let’s take a journey inside the numbers.

***I found these numbers online and they may not be accurate. It doesn’t really matter, I only need an estimate. I’m only going to focus on the five major religions, excluding the traditional Chinese religion. (400 Million)***

World Population: 6.9 Billion

Christianity: 2.5 Billion

Islam: 1.6 Billion

Buddhism: 400 Million

Judaism: 14.5 Million

Hinduism: 1 Billion

Atheists: 150 Million

Both Buddhism and Hinduism have many deities and are different from the each other and the other three faiths. This difference makes it impossible for the two faiths to be real; at least one has to be complete bull manure. Judaism, Christianity, and Islam disagree on prophets but all three religions share the same “god,” so we can bunch them together.

Basically, there are three different “god” systems and they cannot all co-exist. We are left with at least two major systems, with millions of followers, which are completely wrong. Let’s assume that the “god” of the Bible and Quran is real. That would mean that Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and the earth’s remaining population are wrong. In this example, the numbers reveal that 4 Billion people failed to accept “god.” (This is the best case scenario for faith and I bunched in three different religions in an effort to increase the numbers!)

If atheists are right, that would mean that ninety percent of the world’s population believes in complete nonsense. (How the hell did this happen?)

Attempting to convince a believer that atheists are right is like sending someone into the jungle and telling them to explain to an indigenous person, who believes that the earth is stationary, about the solar system and how the earth is orbiting the sun and spinning on its axis. You can talk about all the scientific facts you want, but when he asks you why the two of you are not moving, there is no chance of enlightening the ignorant. (Good luck with that!)

Believers can thank their “god” that all this reason nonsense is meaningless. (Keep treading blindly!)

@PeteTeix617

Time’s A Wasting

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I’m sure most Celtics fans gathered with some of their favorite people to watch game seven in hopes of seeing a big win; I did no such thing. I turned on the game with a little over 5 minutes remaining in the first half. The team looked as if they flew to Miami with a purpose, but I’ve watched too many NBA games to believe the game was over.

I had no desire to witness the meaningless third quarter so I waited for an hour to switch back to the game. After seeing the score I immediately turned the game off. Call me a fake fan if you will, but I am no longer superstitious so me watching has absolutely nothing to do with the final results. The Celtics lost and I had an enjoyable Saturday. (The way things should be!)

While Celtics’ nation watched their team’s season end, I watched reruns of Seinfeld; I don’t have to tell you that I laughed my ass off! (Sorry for telling you!) I guess I’m just not into the NBA anymore. That being said, I will watch some of the Finals in hopes of witnessing Miami lose.

While flipping through the channels, I found a great documentary, Stephen Hawking’s Grand Design: Did God Create The Universe? The brilliant physicist explained why the universe was not created by “god.” (Great documentary, but I didn’t need a genius to speak on the matter in order to arrive at that conclusion!)

The film began with the Vikings. (Not the mediocre team from Minnesota! Go Broncos!) It was interesting to see that the real Vikings believed solar eclipses happened when one of their gods attempted to eat the sun. The warriors would scream and threaten the starving god, which they believed would caused him to stop and the sun would reappear. (Silly, I know!)

When scientists discovered the laws of nature, the Church attempted to stop the progress by calling such thought “heresy.” After realizing that they were fighting a losing battle, the Church switched their views. Instead of denying the laws of nature, they decided that “god” governed the laws of nature. (How fitting!) I’m not going to get into every detail; I’m sure most people who have an interest in the subject will be able to find the film on the Discovery Channel.

I definitely agree with Hawking’s statement that the discovery of a heliocentric solar system and how it works is human kind’s greatest achievement. It’s amazing how many ridiculous notions have been disproved by science. The religions of the world should fear the future because soon, humans will look back and find it impossible to believe that people actually prayed to “god.” (The stars were once thought to be chinks in the floor of Heaven! YIKES!)

It was interesting to hear about a 1985 meeting between Pope John Paul II and a group of scientists in which the Pope said it was OK for scientists to study how the universe works as long as they do not attempt to seek out its origin. (I’m sure he was considering the Vatican’s vast wealth and thinking “god help us if they discover it’s all a bunch of bullshit!”)

I believe a world devoid of religion would lead to great discoveries. If people stop fighting over nonsensical beliefs and stopped wasting time worrying about being judged by “nothing,” we could pool all of our resources on earth and use them to search the universe. There is so much out there and we continue to retard our progress because there is a strong, albeit ridiculous, belief that the mysteries of the universe will be revealed by “god,” in the afterlife. It sucks that humans continue to waste precious time with such nonsense. We are so far behind in our goal of uncovering the mysteries of the universe, but I guess it’s better to be alive today rather than in the days when “the sun revolved around the earth!”

The conclusion of the documentary provided me with the answer I’ve been searching for. I realize that the universe created itself and I have a basic understanding of how energy works, but I always wondered what came prior; the answer was explained perfectly. Time didn’t exist before the universe. (The statement will make perfect sense after watching the film!)

“Asking the question: did ‘god’ create the universe, doesn’t make any sense! It’s like asking for directions to the edge of the earth; the earth is a sphere and has no edge. It would be futile to search for one!” – Stephen Hawking

The way I see it, I’m going to agree with the genius, but I understand if others decide to agree with a book that has two beginnings and an unknown number of authors, written over the span of a century, about three thousand years ago! Sadly, faith continues to be the biggest enemy of education!

If you earned a degree and you still believe in a higher power, you should contact your institute of higher learning and demand your money back; you may have passed but the professors failed you!

@PeteTeix617

An Overdue Conversation

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture because the floor was comfortable enough to either lie on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made up of some weird reinforced cloud material. They were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized that there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out that these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be a mist, which continued to take different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person here who is never happy.”

Being 2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being 1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being 2: “You never apologized for making me go through unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being 1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being 2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being 1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is really bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus: ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I same you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was over-thinking things but I was too afraid to take the first step. I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean kind of?”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, and completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth for a second without seeing some slut, whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorrah all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation, but when I said hello, no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven when I die?”

God: “Of course. I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, If I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Me: “This is refreshing; I always figured that the two of you quoted Bible quotes whenever you spoke. That would have been annoying.”

God: “I have nothing to do with that book. I sent Jesus to teach the humans that the Bible is a bunch of mythological stories and not the word of the Lord, but instead of listening to him, they went ahead and added a new freaking Testament. I gave up trying to get through to those religious nuts!”

Me: “I hear you; they’re impossible to reason with.”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me. And Bro, I’m glad you finally got all those feelings off your chest; unnecessary stress can kill you.”

Jesus: “Thanks!”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved the book. You should be proud of the finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there anyway  you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

God: “I’m just not into gossiping.”

[I turn to Jesus.]

Me: “Don’t worry big bro; I’m going to build the largest most panty-droppingest mansion, ever. You’ll be taking that pussy down from the pedestal in no time!”

Jesus: “I can’t wait!”

[In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for her assistance before leaving. I didn’t feel the need to share any of the details with her and she never inquired.]

{THE END}

I can’t wait to carry out the mission!

@PeteTeix617

When WWJD Goes Bad

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Most people are familiar with the New York mafia. The Commission, made up of the Five Families ruled the underworld with the precision of a hidden underground mafia organization. (Sometimes, I just don’t feel like coming up with analogies!)

What people fail to realize is the fact that there was one ruling family, The Vaticano, which ran the criminal underworld prior to the Five Families. The family’s patriarch, Don Agostino, was an extremely religious man who ruled with the ruthlessness of a 15th Century Roman Catholic Pope. (Sometimes, I love creating analogies!)

Don Agostino killed indiscriminately, but he loved the lord and believed that it was the god’s will for him to rid the world of sinners. (This guy was more hypocritical than the Pope condemning pedophilia!)

The Don often quoted the bible before sending out one if his henchmen to perform a hit on an enemy. Don Agostino believed that he was lord of the underworld and his soldiers were his lions. The Don often paraphrased 1 Kings 20:35-36. Is most famous line was, “since my enemies did not obey the voice of the lord, a lion will kill him.” (The Don never understood the concept of blasphemy!)

Although he was an evil man who committed unspeakable acts, Don Agostino often asked himself, “what would Jesus do” before making difficult decisions. Strangely, the Don believed that he was living in the image of Christ. The family continued to rule the criminal underworld in the United States for a quarter of a century, until one major decision ended his reign.

The Don didn’t believe in having one underboss, so he appointed a commission of six trusted advisers. Five of the men are well-known, but the sixth man’s name is never to be mentioned again. The five advisers were named Tommy Lucchese, Vito Genovese, Carlo Gambino, Joe Bonanno, and Joe Profaci. It was Carlo Gambino who uncovered a secret plot against the Don Agostino. Gambino revealed that the sixth advisor was planning to assassinate Don Vaticano, in order to take over the family.

The Don thanked Carlo Gambino for his loyalty then retreated to his library in order to plan his course of action. This is where the Don made his fatal mistake. Don Agostino Vaticano asked himself, “what would Jesus Do?” After a long night of contemplation, the Don arranged a dinner with his six advisers.

The Don wanted to have a last supper with his most trusted underbosses. The dinner was set for Easter Sunday, and located at a five star restaurant in the middle of Manhattan. The seven men enjoyed a delectable meal, and then the Don stood up to speak.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “I want to thank all of you for your loyalty. Together, we have ruled this country and made millions of dollars. I wish this was a celebratory dinner, but I speak with a heavy heart.”

The Don’s eyes began to water as he spoke. The men were speechless while they sat and watched their fearless leader struggle to address them. After a moment to compose himself, the Don continued.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “It has been brought to my attention that one of you is planning to betray me. This news has caused me a great deal of anguish; the six of you are like sons to me. I decided to have this last dinner before our family is torn apart; I will deal with the dissenter in the appropriate manner.”

The Don made the decision to follow in Jesus’ footsteps, but it was a rookie mistake. The sixth advisor realized that his plan was no longer a secret so he did the only thing he could do; he brandished a firearm and shot Don Agostino in cold blood. Carlo Gambino reacted quickly and shot the traitor before he could cause any more damage.

The Don died instantly. He did not have any sons, so the five remaining advisers created a commission and split up the city amongst themselves.

[The End]

     If you ever find yourself in a conundrum, don’t ask, “what would Jesus do?” (Unless you want to die as he did!)

***This was a true story based on a fictional tale, created by me!***

     Personally, I think Jesus would go all out for a Klondike Bar. This may seem like a difficult question to answer, but it’s pretty obvious what would happen. First, Jesus would invent a massive chest freezer, since refrigeration wasn’t invented during his mythical life on earth. The next thing Jesus would do is recreate his famous “fish trick,” by cloning more Klondike Bars. (I chose to go with cloning because we all know Jesus was about that science life!) Once Jesus filled the freezer with a year’s supply of Klondike Bars, he would make the owner of the original ice cream bar as his most trusted apostle. The two men would then offer a free Klondike Bar to everyone who accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. The people who failed to follow Christ, would be banished to Hell. (In this instance, Hell is simply being forced to live in Jerusalem’s desert climate without a Klondike Bar!)

Please feel free to submit your answers to the all-important question, “WHAT WOULD JESUS DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR!”

I believe it was Forrest Gump who said, “religion is like a box of chocolates; you have to pay for it!”

@PeteTeix617

There Is Nothing To Fear

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Recently, I received a recommendation to review an article from PsychologyToday.com. The piece was written by Dr. Ken Eisold and titled The Fear of Atheism. Apparently, the United States has more in common with “lesser developed” nations, than other “Western” countries.

Basically, Dr. Eisold believes that most Americans are overly religious and afraid of atheists. The way I see it, believers have it easy and atheism threatens their comfort zone. Whenever believers are met with challenging situations they turn to “god.” This is the mythical character that is all-powerful. Instead of taking control of their lives, believers leave their fate up to their imaginary friend. I guess the reason for turning to “god” is so people can hide behind, “it wasn’t the lord’s will,” rather than come to the realization that they just didn’t work hard enough. (Life must be pretty simple when you have a crutch to lean on!)

I get it; losing faith and understanding there is no higher power, leaves people without their safety blanket. Believers don’t fear atheism, they fear losing their “protector.” We live in a scary world so I understand the need to create an omniscient being who watches over the “good” people. (Some people can face life’s challenges on their own!)

The article is a good read and I found the most fascinating bits of information to be the statistics. Dr. Eisold reports that 48% of Americans would disapprove of their children marrying an atheist; marrying a Muslim, ranked slightly higher with only 33.5% of Americans opposing. (I shed one invisible, all-powerful tear when I read those numbers!)

Dr. Eisold also reveals that atheists are the lowest of the low. A study found that “Americans ranked atheists lower than Muslims, recent immigrants, gays and lesbians and other minority groups in ‘sharing their vision of American society.”

This study is quite revealing. The way I see it, believers are extremely hateful people!

     Another disturbing fact is about the “closet atheists.” Some people are forced to keep the truth to themselves in order to remain members of their respective communities. There are atheists who live in small towns where they are forced to hide their knowledge. The one case mentioned in the article is about a single lesbian mother who lives in a small town, in Texas. (Single? Lesbian? Mother? That’s what I call a three-time offender; I’m surprised they haven’t strung her up, yet!)

***I have never been to a small town in Texas so I can’t really comment, but I don’t hear good things! (If my comment was offensive, forgive me and allow “god” to punish me!)***

     Obviously, this must have been a misprint because small towns in Texas have yet to evolve, so I’m not sure we can group them in with the rest of America. (If you know of someone who is trapped in a small Texas town, do everything in your power to free the individual from their bondage!)

I must be weird because I jump at the chance to tell someone that I don’t believe in “god.” (I guess I just love to see the look of consternation on their face!)

NO OFFENSE!

     To believers, I say fear the atheist; for he reveals a truth that you are ill prepared to receive!

@PeteTeix617

The Devil Inside

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

A few days ago, a friend of mine recommended this movie and I agreed to write about my thoughts. In the past, movies about exorcism would scare the bejesus out of me. (Is the word bejesus blasphemous?)

If you look back at most of the exorcism horror films, you will notice that they are pretty boring. The only reason people find them to be entertaining is because believers are scared of the devil. I know I found them to be extremely horrific. I had too many sleepless nights after watching one of these scary movies. (Especially while in Seattle!)

Now that I’m an atheist, I just see these movies for what they are; boring! The way my friend amped up this film, I really hoped it would be good, but I was disappointed. I won’t go into any details other than to say, there was no ending. I know the film was based on a “true” story, but this was a Hollywood film; viewers need an ending. (I want my two hours back!)

There is a corresponding website with facts about the actual case, but I found the material to be lacking when it comes to “realness!” I poked around for a few minutes, but I lost interest pretty quickly.

There were some creative scenes and the possibility to make a better film, but the director either ran out of money or lacked the creativity to push the viewer to the edge of his or her seat. (I almost fell asleep a few times!)

That being said, I recommend this movie. The way I see it, if I had to sit through and watch this lackluster “hit,” you should suffer the same fate! (Who knows, you may actually find the movie to be chilling!)

Officially, I rate The Devil Inside a “SNOOZEFEST” with potential. The entire production crew receives an “I” for incomplete! GO BACK AND FINISH THE FILM, JERKS! (Altogether, watching the film wasn’t a complete loss because I saw a lot of opportunities for scarier scenes. I watched a really good movie called The Devil Inside: Inside Pete’s Head. My version was awesome!)

This is the DVD cover.

     SPOILER ALERT: The lady pictured above plays absolutely no role in the film. She appears for half a second and never returns. She has no lines and there is no mention of her. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE ON THE COVER? (This woman is also on the cover of the film in my head, but in my version, she is possessed and plays a major role. This woman is not only possessed, her body is overtaken by Satan. That’s right folks; the devil is inside this woman! My movie rocks!)

[REVIEW END]

******************************************************************************************

***Due to the fact that I believe I possess the ability to be the greatest rapper alive, I will randomly display my lyrical genius at the end of select posts! (For the record, I don’t want to be a rapper!)***

Why I’m the greatest rapper alive {1}:

The twenties were my dark ages; I was only half bad,

Call me medieval; I saw the light I’m past that! 

@PeteTeix617

Confessions

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

One negative aspect about evolving and leaving the Catholic Church for atheism is the fact that I have no place to confess. My how I enjoyed telling bold face lies to the priests whenever I felt pressure from older and more pious relatives and friends. Everyone knows that all good things must come to an end (Which is probably why the divorce rate continues to rise!) so I am no longer forced to tell fibs in front of “god” and his best followers.

My enlightenment left me with a conundrum. What the hell am I to do with my sins? I’m just kidding; there are no sins. People commit certain acts and if they feel some kind of guilt, they can find someone who will be willing to listen. I don’t have any “sins” that I feel compelled to reveal, but there are things that I don’t mind sharing. I will call them my confessions and I’ll post three at a time whenever I feel like I need to make a better connection with the wonderful readers.

Confession 1:

I want to admit that I have the ability to see the humor in every situation. Regardless of the event, my mind will immediately discover the “funny.” This may seem like a problem, but I am adept at keeping a straight face in order to hide my inner hilarious thoughts. On the occasions where I think up something which makes it impossible to keep a straight face, I will simply hide my face in my hands. (This usually happens at funerals!)

     I had to turn off the press conference with Junior Seau’s mother because I felt a little guilty that I was laughing out loud. I understand that the woman was out of her mind because she just lost her son, but the fact that she has a minimal command of the English language coupled with her irrational incoherent comments was too much material for proper decorum. (I know I am an asshole but the people at ESPN are jerks for allowing that interview to take place!)

This is one of the reasons that I enjoy each day. It’s impossible for me to share each of my random thoughts but some of the more entertaining ones figure out a way to leak into my writing.

Confession 2:

My road rage is out of control. I honestly think the RMV should intensify the driver’s license test because there are way too many idiots out on the road. If you are in the fast lane and seven cars switch lanes in order to pass you; GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FAST LANE!

Thankfully, I accept the fact that there are many horrible driver’s on the road so most of the times I simply laugh at how ridiculous my fellow operators can be. For those of you who are not familiar with Los Angeles, it’s important to note that most major roads are two lanes with a middle lane designated for making turns. This is the most efficient design because it keeps the traffic moving and prevents people from having to stop while they wait for the car in front of them to make a left turn.

One day, I was driving down a random street and I approached a red light. My car was in the right lane and a white Mercedes was stopped in the left lane. This was a major boulevard which means there was a lane for people who wanted to make a left turn. In this instance, that lane was empty. Once the light turned green, I pressed on the pedal and crossed the intersection. Before I could get far, I heard a barrage of angry horns. I quickly looked in the rear-view mirror in order to see what was happening. That’s when I saw the most offensive violation of the unwritten driver’s code. The woman in the Mercedes threw on her blinkers and waited patiently until it she was allowed to make a left turn.

I felt for the poor bastard who was stuck behind her but I was laughing hysterically. I would have lost my mind if she pulled that move in front of me, but the fact that it was happening to someone else was hilarious. The woman didn’t even attempt to move her car into the empty turning lane; she simply didn’t care about anyone else. (In my opinion, anyone who is behind such an ignoramus should be allowed to kill the dumbass!)

The good news for the public is the fact that I let out my rage by simply shaking my head or calling the person a douche, unless there is a passenger in the car; in those instances, I will voice my opinion of the offending licensed drivers.  I don’t own a gun because I would shoot at least five motorists a day. (I’m just joking; I would shoot at least ten! ***This daily amount does not include the number of individuals who would get shot for using the word “swag!”***)

Confession 3:

It really bothers me that I actually had to write the word at the end of confession 2. I hate that word with every fiber cell atom neutron proton electron in my body and I wish people would stop its usage. I enjoy listening to hip hop music as much as the next guy but as a culture, I hate hip hop. I hate everything it stands for. (Well maybe not that guy; he is standing in line at the grocery store, using his phone as a new age boom box, singing along to every lyric, and his tattoo is a depiction of Jesus being crucified while wearing a set of thorn-covered headphones and reads “Give Me Music Or Give Me Death! YOLO!”)

“What do you mean when you say what hip hop stand for?” You ask. I’ll answer that question with a little segment I like to call “Hip Hop Is The Reason.”

Hip hop is the reason why it is becoming widely acceptable for people to spell the word phone with an “f!”

Hip hop is the reason people think it’s an honor to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show!

Hip hop is the reason men would rather be called “baby daddy” than “father!”

Hip hop is the reason people possess all of the latest fashionable trends, without having the money to provide themselves with life’s bare essentials! (Wearing a pair of new Jordans and asking a friend to borrow a buck so you can buy a McChicken from the dollar menu is pathetic!)

Hip hop is the reason why children think it is cool to drop out of school!

Hip hop is the reason women think it’s ok to be whores, and sleep with random men as long as a nice car is involved!

I could go on forever, but I’m sure the point has been made!

FUCK YOU, HIP HOP CULTURE!

Wow! It feels great to get that off my chest!

@PeteTeix617