Tag Archives: entertainment

The “G” Card

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

There are some challenges that arise when someone becomes enlightened and discovers the truth known as atheism. I don’t mind having to repeatedly explain myself when asked, “how did you manage to figure out there is no ‘god’ why don’t you believe in ‘god’?”

Although I love being an atheist as much as a Catholic priest loves dressing up as Santa Claus and having little boys sit on his lap during Christmas, there are a few occasions in which I must pull out my “g” card. Sometimes, it’s just not worth my effort to explain that I am an atheist.

Here are some of the rare occurrences where I fake being a believer and pull out my “g” card:

{1} My mother is religious and she always says some form of, “’god’ be with you,” after any conversation. There is no point in saying anything else other that “ok!”

{2} Whenever one of my favorite teams lose, I like to say, “Why have thou forsaken me, ‘god?’ Fuck you and your son Jesus!” Even though there is no “god,” this usually bothers any believer within earshot, which makes me feel better about the loss. If people can thank their lord and savior after a win, I should be able to do the opposite after a loss! After all, “god” made words and words don’t hurt! Wait! I think I got that wrong; “god” made dirt. Who the hell made words? (I don’t know who came up with the “god” made dirt thing, but the person is clearly an idiot because anyone who has been hit with wet dirt knows a great deal of pain is involved!)

***Don’t bother calling me an asshole; I’m proud of that fact!***

{3} I always pull out my “g” card any time someone plays my favorite, Tim Tebow’s favorite, and without question the greatest religious song known to man; Rich Mullins’ Awesome “god”!
I think it’s dumb to say “’god’ is good,” because I was taught that good is not good enough, but saying our “god” is an awesome “god” is amazing! (If I had the choice between a good “god” and an awesome “god,” I’m going with the awesome one every time!)

Can one of you “keepin’ it real” rap artists please make a remix of this song? PLEASE!!!

Awesome “God”

{3} In order to keep myself humble, I usually break out my “g” card so I can appear to have the same intelligence as someone who believes in the existence of a “good” deity who has more deaths under his belt than the “bad” semi-deity.

I never knew “god” was a serial killer! (These numbers come from the “good” book!)

{4} I haven’t done this yet, but if I happen to be under the influence of alcohol and I run into some “good” girl who only sleeps with pious men, I will have no problem breaking out my “g” card! (“God” forbid she sleeps with a nonbeliever!)

{5} If I ever walk past the local abortion clinic during lunch and the angry mob of protestors, holding assault rifles and other powerful automatic weapons, ask if I’m pro-life, I first answer, “yeah, I love living!” They are usually pisses off by my response and threaten to kill me. I then say, “who are we to question ‘god’s’ plan? Speaking of plan, we can avoid all this nonsense if these women would just go to their local drug stores and purchase that plan b… never mind!”

@PeteTeix617

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Good Old Marriage Advice

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Timothy graduated from Harvard Law School at the top of his class. As expected, every major firm in the country offered him a position. The decision was simple for Tim; “wherever Lucy wants to live is fine with me.” He said. Lucy was Tim’s high school sweetheart and he loved her more than anything; as long as his fiancé was happy, nothing else mattered.

The couple eventually married and Tim became a partner in his Chicago firm. Everything was going well, except for one major problem. Tim wanted children but Lucy wasn’t ready; she wanted to focus on running her salon before venturing into motherhood.

Although the two loved one another unconditionally, the subject of parenthood caused a great deal of tension in the household. In fact, Tim and Lucy argued every single night, before finally slamming doors and sleeping in separate rooms.

After three months of passionless nights, Tim realized something had to be done. His proposal was a night out on the town. He hoped to reignite the fire in their marriage and forget about their problems for at least one night.

Tim pulled out all the stops; reservations at the best restaurant in the windy city, a limo ride to their destination, a night of dancing, and a stay in a luxurious suite.

The night started off well but the romance quickly faded, during dinner. Things took a turn for the worse when an eleven year-old walked past the table, on his way to the little boy’s room. Tim gave the child a high-five, which caused Lucy to assume her husband was attempting to drop a hint.

Try as he did, Tim was unable to avoid an argument. The hot-blooded conversation even caused the manager to ask the couple to control themselves. Tim thought the night was a complete loss, since they sat in complete silence while waiting for the waiter to bring the check.

Suddenly, Lucy placed her hand on top of Tim’s hand and smiled at him. “I’m sorry for all the drama; let’s try to enjoy the remainder of the night.” She uttered.

Tim was completely shocked. “I think that’s a great idea.”

Lucy’s change of heart came when she noticed an elderly gentleman, spoon-feeding a piece of chocolate cake to his lovely wife. “Look at those two; I wonder what their secret is.” She said.

Tim turned and admired the amorous couple. “That will be us one day.” He said.

Lucy’s heart melted. “I love you. I don’t want to waste another second arguing. Let’s start a family.” She said.

Tim couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I love you.” He said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Lucy also began to release her own tears of joy. The couple often spoke about the importance of family. That night, Lucy finally realized that she no longer wanted to put her career ahead of her family. “You’re going to be the best dad, ever!” She said.

Tim smiled. “And you will be the world’s greatest mom!” He responded.

Tim apologized to the waiter for their previous behavior. “We would also like to pay for the elderly couple’s check.” Tim said.

“I’ll let Good old Jack know that you covered his meal.” The waiter replied.

The waiter walked across the room and revealed Tim’s generous gesture to the couple. They were surprised and touched. Before exiting, Jack and his lady, Kathy, walked over to express their appreciation.

The two couples chatted while they walked towards the restaurant’s back door. Tim and Lucy watched as Jack opened up the passenger side door for Kathy and gently closed it after she entered.

“Hey Jack, how long have you been married?” Tim asked.

“Fifty-eight wonderful years!” Jack answered.

“Still a gentleman after all the years!” Tim said.

Jack smiled.

“What’s your secret? How do you stay happily married after so many years?” Tim asked.

Jack walked over to Tim and his wife. He leaned in and whispered. “It’s pretty simple. I leave the old ball and chain at home whenever I get the hankering for some sweet widow pussy!” Jack proudly stated before winking!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

Nostra-Dog-Mus

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Once upon a time, in the small town of Teec Nos Pos, Arizona, near the famous four corners, there lived a unique canine. The mayor of Teec Nos Pos found the dog while on a family trip to the border where Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah connect. Immediately, the mayor’s son, little Thomas bonded with his new best friend, Spot.

Thomas and Spot were inseparable; the two friends went everywhere together. One day, Thomas decided to go swimming at the creek and he discovered that his wallet was missing from his pants. The water was too cold for Spot’s liking, so he remained near his owner’s possessions.

There were two boys sitting near Thomas’ pants, but each child denied taking the wallet. “Too bad you’re not a talking dog, buddy.” Thomas said to his pet.

Spot barked and the boys appeared to be nervous; it was as if the dog was trying to identify the culprit. Just for kicks, Thomas asked, “did Roger take my wallet?”

Spot did not respond.

“Did Chris take my wallet?” Thomas asked.

Spot began to bark. Amazingly, Chris was overcome with guilt and finally admitted to taking the wallet.

Thomas couldn’t believe that his dog could understand what he was saying. It turned out that Spot could actually answer any question. Spot predicted the weather. “Spot, will it rain tomorrow?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

He picked out criminals from police lineups. “Spot, did Mr. Tennyson steal the car?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

Spot even solved some of life’s biggest mysteries. “Spot, is there life on other planets?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

One afternoon, Thomas and his family returned to their home after a wonderful Sunday mass, and the boy decided to ask the one question that puzzled him. “Spot, is there a god?”

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Mother fucker, are you fucking crazy?” The dog spoke!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

It Was A Truth Day

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

In the past, I mentioned the fact that I enjoy changing the lyrics of hit songs. This is a rewrite of Ice Cube’s It Was A Good Day. My version is called It was A Truth Day. ENJOY!

 

Ice Cube – It Was A Good Day

(For maximum enjoyment, click on the link and have the song playing while reading the lyrics!)

 

It Was A Truth Day:

Just waking up in the morning never thank “god”

I don’t know why religion is the biggest fraud

No dying on the cross, no mosque

I’d rather believe in Santa and Jack frost

I got my church on, but never bought in

Never figured out why the pastor was ballin’

So hooked it up a later as I left the faith

Will believers let me live, or kill me with their hate

I had to go ‘cause the nonsense would not stop

And since I made the switch, atheism hit the spot

I won’t stop, till I spread knowledge

Basic information people should’ve picked up in college

Now everything is ok

Status updates and tweets filled with whatever I want to say

Calling out the phonies and I’m testing them

Leave the church, and don’t believe what they sellin’

Start me on the subject and I’m hell

Jehovah’s witness stay far away from my bell

Teaching truth every day like MLK  

I can’t believe, today was a truth day.

 

Drove past the church and saw mindless

They waved hello but I saw through the kindness

Cause just yesterday them fools tried to convert me

Saw the good priest and I could tell he wanna hurt me

No stressin, I didn’t even hear what he was yellin’

No thanks for the blessin’  

Went to my friend’s house, they was watching HBO with Bill Mahr

There’s no question he’s a star

He’ll wake ‘em up, wake ‘em up, wake ‘em up, wake ‘em

Hit e’m with enough religious facts to try and break ‘em

There is no heaven, no freakin’ heaven, no freakin’ heaven

Heaven exists only in the minds of the loco

They create the pastor’s cash flow

Ask him to share, and he’ll probably say hell no

Plus nobody I know got scammed from the asshole

Today was a truth day

 

The pastor leaves the church paid

Picked up a tip, he uses the money to get himself head

It’s ironic, he teaches one thing and does another

I don’t like the ways of Jesus’ brother

He drives through the streets in a Caddy

Prostitutes call him daddy, his life is really crappy

His skeletons go deep

So deep

So deep it turns out he’s a creep

Yet he’s ranked number one

To his congregation, this piece of shit is a freakin’ top gun

His brainwashing abilities have no match

Women think he’s a catch but he’s all about the snatch

I’ll be glad if the truth is revealed

Give the people knowledge till their mind’s healed

I dream of the day when the truth rules

Confiscate the pope’s gold and his huge jewels

No investigators looking for the perverts

When priests see the police they get real nervous

Even saw a minister with an Iphone

Might as well call him the devil’s clone

The pastor’s drunk as hell but not throwing up

Half way through the year and his account is still blowing up

He doesn’t even pay taxes when he gets paid

I got to say it was a truth day.

 

Ice Cube – It Was A Good Day

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God

I don’t know but today seems kinda odd

No barking from the dog, no smog

And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog

I got my grub on, but didn’t pig out

Finally got a call from a girl wanna dig out

Hooked it up a later as I hit the do’

Thinking will I live, another twenty-fo’

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top

And if I hit the switch, I can make that ass drop

Had to stop at a red light

Looking in my mirror not a jacker in sight

And everything is alright

I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night

Called up the homies and I’m askin y’all

Which park, are y’all playin basketball?

Get me on the court and I’m trouble

Last week fucked around and got a triple double

Freaking brothers everyway like M.J.

I can’t believe, today was a good day

 

Drove to the pad and hit the showers

Didn’t even get no static from the cowards

Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me

Saw the police and they rolled right past me

No flexin, didn’t even look in a niggaz direction

As I ran the intersection

Went to Short Dog’s house, they was watchin Yo! MTV Raps

What’s the haps on the craps

Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em

Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em

With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven

Seven even back do’ lil Joe

I picked up the cash flow

Then we played bones, and I’m yellin’ domino

Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A.

Today was a good day

 

Left my niggaz house paid

Picked up a girl been tryin to fuck since the twelfth grade

It’s ironic, I had the booze she had the chronic

The Lakers beat the Supersonics

I felt on the big fat fanny

Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny

And my dick runs deep

so deep

so deep put her ass to sleep

Woke her up around one

She didn’t hesitate, to call Ice Cube the top gun

Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting

Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion

I was glad everything had worked out

Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out

Today was like one of those fly dreams

Didn’t even see a berry flashing those high beams

No helicopter looking for a murder

Two in the morning got the fat burger

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp

And it read Ice Cube’s a pimp

Drunk as hell but no throwing up

Half way home and my pager still blowing up

Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.

I got to say it was a good day.

 

I hope I didn’t offend anyone!

@PeteTeix617

Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 3

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Season 2: Episode 1   Episode 2

INT. BARTHOLOMEW’S APARTMENT

Simon wasn’t home, but Judas found him at Bartholomew’s place.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s up mas puto.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

What the hell does that mean?

SIMON

We’re not really sure, but we think it means super gay, in Spanish.

JUDAS

When did you guys start speaking Spanish?

SIMON

My neighbor was clowning around with his friends and I picked it up.

JUDAS

I’m definitely not mas puto.

BARTHOLOMEW

I agree. The jury is still out on you; you’re mas o menos puto.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

What the hell is that?

BARTHOLOMEW

I just made it up. I remember mas o menos from high school Spanish class. That has to be the Spanish version of bisexual.

JUDAS

You would know.

BARTHOLOMEW

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So what did you want to talk about?

JUDAS

I wanted to get in contact with Heather so I could find out what caused her to create these lies.

SIMON

That’s a good idea. If you want I can call her to come over.

JUDAS

Yeah, that’s probably best.

Simon calls Heather and she agrees to meet the guys. An hour later, she arrives and Simon walks her into the apartment.

HEATHER

Simon tells me that you have a problem with me.

JUDAS

I just want to know why you decided to make up lies about me and Dan.

HEATHER

What lies?

JUDAS

I’m serious. I don’t even know you and I’m trying to understand why you did what you did; are you crazy or something?

HEATHER

Are you seriously going to sit there and say that you don’t know me?

JUDAS

The first time I met you was at the bar.

HEATHER

I can’t believe it; you are the biggest asshole ever.

SIMON

I concur.

BARTHOLOMEW

I too agree with the lady’s proclamation.

JUDAS

Thank you, gentlemen!

Everyone laughs.

HEATHER

You really don’t remember me?

JUDAS

No, crazy woman!

HEATHER

Take a look at this.

Heather reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo. Judas grabs the picture and studies it.

JUDAS

Is this Caesars?

HEATHER

Yeah, it’s from three years ago.

JUDAS

I remember you!

SIMON

You guys know each other?

HEATHER

That’s what I’ve been trying to say.

BARTHOLOMEW

Why were you lying?

JUDAS

I wasn’t lying. Look at this picture; she had blond hair.

Bartholomew grabs the photo.

BARTHOLOMEW

You can’t blame him for not recognizing you; this looks like a completely different person.

JUDAS

Exactly!

HEATHER

There is no excuse for forgetting a person you connected with.

BARTHOLOMEW

Connected? I know what that means; I think someone was the victim of a hit and run!

Judas and Bartholomew high-five while laughing and Simon does his best to keep a straight face.

HEATHER

I see you laughing, asshole.

SIMON

Sorry, but it’s hilarious.

JUDAS

How can you expect me to remember some chick I banged three years ago, especially when I was drunk out of my mind in Vegas?

BARTHOLOMEW

So you made up the entire gay thing to get back at him?

HEATHER

He deserved it.

BARTHOLOMEW

What about Dan? He didn’t do anything to you.

Judas clears his throat.

JUDAS

I think she got in another accident.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn! You’re the freaking hit and run queen. I got next!

HEATHER

Fuck you!

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes, please!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I’m sorry.

HEATHER

Thanks “friend.”

BARTHOLOMEW

If you’re looking for support; you’re in the wrong place.

SIMON

So Judas isn’t gay?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! Heather lied, but Judas is still gay. No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

What happened in Vegas? How did you bag her?

SIMON

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; right Heather?

HEATHER

Don’t try to be on my side, now.

Simon shrugs his shoulders.

SIMON

You can’t fault me for trying.

BARTHOLOMEW

Let’s hear it.

JUDAS

I actually remember the night; no wonder you hated me.

HEATHER

You’re such an asshole.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did you do?

JUDAS

We were messing around and I told the guys to give me any pick-up line and I’ll bag Heather.

SIMON

Hold on! Don’t tell me that story was actually true.

JUDAS

That’s right. You guys didn’t believe me.

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t believe you weren’t lying.

JUDAS

I walked up to Heather and said, can you help me dispose of some semen!

The guys laugh while Heather lowers her head in shame.

SIMON

I can’t believe that line worked on you.

HEATHER

I was drunk!

BARTHOLOMEW

I always wanted to meat the semen disposal chick. Today is the happiest day of my life. Do you mind if I make a deposit?

The guys laugh. Heather decides to keep quite instead of egging him on.

BARTHOLOMEW

Nothing personal, Heather.

HEATHER

I understand that you guys are childish. It’s been fun, but I’m out of here.

JUDAS

I guess we’re even. No hard feelings.

HEATHER

Whatever.

She walks to the door.

JUDAS

Wait. I’ll walk you out. Later fellas.

BARTHOLOMEW

Where are you going?

JUDAS

I have to find Dan and tell him the story.

BARTHOLOMEW

Alright, later.

JUDAS

I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.

Judas exits.

INT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

Simon and Bartholomew decide to tell Philip the news.

PHILIP

This is a small world. It’s crazy how everything unfolded. Judas is really lucky; it could have been much worse.

KIM

He definitely needs to slow down with the bagging, as you guys say.

BARTHOLOMEW

The way I see it, no harm no foul.

KIM

I kind of feel bad for accusing Judas of being gay.

PHILIP

Don’t fee bad; he’s an asshole.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s no way to talk about your friend, buddy.

PHILIP

You’re an asshole too!

The all laugh.

PHILIP

I’m just happy the truth is finally out.

Bartholomew and Simon look at one another.

SIMON

I’m not sure the truth is out.

PHILIP

What are you talking about?

BARTHOLOMEW

Judas said something weird before leaving my apartment.

SIMON

Yeah, it was a little shaky.

PHILIP

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

He said, I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.

PHILIP

I’m sure it was just a slip of the tongue.

SIMON

It was a slip, but I’m pretty sure it was Freudian.

PHILIP

I don’t want to go down this road again; let’s go get some food and let Judas live his life.

SIMON

I’m down for that.

BARTHOLOMEW

Me too.

KIM

Great; we haven’t eaten all day.

The foursome exits.

[It's A Wrap!]

Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 2

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Season 2: Episode 1

INT. sports bar

Bartholomew convinced Judas to meet the guys at a bar in order to hash things out.

SIMON

I can’t believe Matt escaped twice.

BARTHOLOMEW

Michelle is going to kill him when he goes home.

MATTHIAS

I told you guys; things are a little different now.

SIMON

She’s gonna kill him.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I thought you said Judas was coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

He’ll be here in a half hour. I wanted us to get on the same page before he arrived.

SIMON

Phil, what the hell is going on with your eye.

PHILIP

I don’t know. It just swelled up for no reason.

BARTHOLOMEW

You don’t think you caught anything from Kim; do you?

PHILIP

Do you have to be an asshole?

SIMON

Don’t be silly, Bart. You can’t catch an STD without having sex.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Hey Simon, is that a hickey on your neck?

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell! I guess someone wasn’t getting any homework done during study hall.

PHILIP

I hope Leslie doesn’t see it.

SIMON

First of all, I take offense to the fact that you assume Leslie had nothing to do with the mark on my neck.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, maybe they were role playing.

SIMON

Thanks Bart; you’re a true friend. Where was I? Oh yeah! Second of all, it’s not a hickey. Its a stab wound.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I knew Leslie was crazy, but I didn’t think she would actually stab you.

PHILIP

It was only a matter of time.

SIMON

Well Phil, you’ll be happy to know it wasn’t Leslie.

PHILIP

Let me guess; some woman’s husband caught you sleeping with his wife?

SIMON

Hell no! I’m not a home-wrecker.

The guys laugh and Phil shakes his head.

MATTHIAS

You’re a stand-up guy.

SIMON

Don’t pat me on the back too soon; I do cheat. This came from a vegan chick I met.

BARTHOLOMEW

I thought vegan chicks were into peace and harmony?

SIMON

They are until you piss them off.

PHILIP

Do I even want to hear this story?

SIMON

Yeah, it’s a great one.

BARTHOLOMEW

Tell me you didn’t trick her into eating meat.

SIMON

I definitely gave her some meat, if you know what I mean.

BARTHOLOMEW

NICE!

MATTHIAS

Let’s hear the story.

SIMON

I was on my break but I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered a salad. The vegan chick ended up ordering the same thing which gave me an ice-breaker. She asked if I was vegan and I didn’t want to disappoint her so I lied.

MATTHIAS

Like I said, stand-up guy!

SIMON

She was cool at first, but after a couple weeks, she just kept going on and on about hating meat so I decided to end it.

BARTHOLOMEW

You broke up with her and she went crazy?

SIMON

It’s how I did it that was the problem.

MATTHIAS

I have to hear this.

SIMON
Since she always talks about being vegan, I know that her favorite place to eat lunch is the Prudential Center food court, so I went there and ordered a bunch of meat and she caught me scarfing it down.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s funny.

SIMON

It wasn’t funny when she snapped and stabbed me with a steak knife. If I didn’t react quickly, she would have killed me.

PHILIP

Psychos are created by your behavior.

SIMON

There is no excuse for attempted murder.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did Leslie say about the mark?

SIMON

That brings me to the favor I was going to ask. I told her you close-lined me while playing basketball.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got you.

SIMON

I wish she wasn’t a vegan; she’s an actress and I think she might be the next big star.

BARTHOLOMEW

I could never date an actress.

MATTHIAS

Why not?

BARTHOLOMEW

Because I don’t want to date someone who does sex scenes with a bunch of actors.

PHILIP

Yeah, cheating is cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

If I’m friends with the guy who is dating Halle Berry, I’d torture him. I’d walk into his apartment everyday and sit him down saying, “I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think your girl is cheating on you.” Then I’d throw on the sex scene from Monster’s Ball!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That would suck! I don’t think we could remain friends if I end up dating an actress.

SIMON

I wouldn’t let that bother me. All you have to do is use your advantage. Everyday, before she had to do a sex scene, I’d go to the set and make her give me a blow job. Then we’d see how the actor enjoys making out with my girlfriend.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That’s the nastiest thing I ever heard.

SIMON

You have to fight dirty if you want to win!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s not dirty; that’s playing disgusting!

SIMON

Don’t kiss my chick!

Judas arrives at the table.

JUDAS

Kissing your chick; talk about sloppy seconds!

BARTHOLOMEW

You finally made it.

SIMON

You’re not still pissed are you?

JUDAS

I was heated, but I think if I was in your shoes, I’d probably believe the chick so I don’t care anymore. I’ll be gay Judas, as long as you guys don’t mind me inviting your chicks over for a slumber party.

PHILIP

I don’t care how gay you are; your not getting anywhere near Kim!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So you admit that you’re gay?

JUDAS

No! The truth will come out eventually.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m confused. So you’re the the truth like Paul Pierce and you plan on coming out in the future?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

No. I have no idea why this chick made up this lie, but I intend on getting to the bottom of this.

BARTHOLOMEW

And by get to the bottom, do you mean some guys bottom?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I can see you’re going to enjoy this for a while.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes sir!

JUDAS

Why do you keep saying, “no homophobe?”

SIMON

It’s a new thing that Bart came up with so we don’t hurt your feelings when we make hurtful gay jokes.

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s actually hilarious, but I’m not gay.

SIMON

Yeah, and Phil is not a virgin.

JUDAS

Oh shit; it’s Jasmine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I haven’t seen her in years. Do you still talk to her?

JUDAS

Na. After the last drunken hookup about a year ago, we’ve had no contact.

BARTHOLOMEW

Call her over here so we can all say hi.

JUDAS

I’d rather not; I don’t want to sleep with her again.

PHILIP

Are you crazy?

JUDAS

What?

PHILIP

She’s not going to sleep with you after a year of no contact.

JUDAS

Dude, she’s in love with me; I can bang her whenever I want.

BARTHOLOMEW

So you don’t want to sleep with her because you’re gay?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I’m not going to keep saying I’m not gay. You can keep the jokes coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thanks; I will!

MATTHIAS

I’m with Phil on this one; there is no way she is going to sleep with you after a year.

JUDAS

You guys are lucky I don’t want to sleep with her, because I would do it just to prove it.

BARTHOLOMEW

There is no way.

JUDAS

You guys have no idea.

SIMON

If that’s true, do it and prove us wrong.

JUDAS

I don’t want her to think that there is a possibility of us getting back together.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the gay thing, right?

SIMON

Again, no homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I would pay to see this.

SIMON

Me too!

MATTHIAS

I’ll match whatever these guys put up.

PHILIP

You guys are so childish.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re chipping in too; or you can’t watch.

JUDAS

What do you mean watch; I’m not banging my ex in front of you guys.

BARTHOLOMEW

I bet you would love that gay guy.

SIMON

No homophobe!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m down to put up two hundred.

SIMON

I’ll do two hundred.

MATTHIAS

Me too!

JUDAS

That was too easy; I’ll do it for fifteen hundred or no deal.

BARTHOLOMEW

Done!

SIMON

Hell yeah!

MATTHIAS

I’ll even cover Phil’s portion.

SIMON

Na, he’s paying too.

PHILIP

It doesn’t matter because she’s not going to sleep with him.

JUDAS

If you guys have the cash, I’ll get head in the bar’s bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You work on that and we’ll go to the ATM.

The guys leave the bar and Judas heads over to speak with his ex-girlfriend.

About twenty minutes later, the guys returned to the bar and Judas walked over from his ex-girlfriend’s table.

BARTHOLOMEW

Ok, we have the cash; let’s see what you’re made of.

JUDAS

Pay up; I already got head.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Which guy was it?

SIMON

No homophobe!

JUDAS

Real funny. I want my money.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you kidding; I know you don’t expect us to believe you.

JUDAS

I’m serious; she gave me head in the bathroom.

SIMON

How the hell are we supposed to verify that?

JUDAS

No problem. I’ll do it again.

Judas leaves and walks over to speak with his ex. A few minutes later, he leads her from her table to the back of the bar, where the restrooms are located.

PHILIP

I can’t believe this. What’s wrong with her.

BARTHOLOMEW

She probably just loves cock like Judas.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

This is amazing. I can’t believe he actually got her to agree.

MATTHIAS

You don’t think he offered to share the money with her, do you?

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell no! Are you insane? She would never agree to do it if she knew we were paying for it.

SIMON

Yeah man, what’s wrong with you. She’s in love, not a prostitute.

MATTHIAS

I was just asking.

A short while longer, Judas returns to his friends and places his left hand on the table.

JUDAS

Is that proof enough?

There is a small amount of what appears to be semen on his hand.

The guys take notice and break out into laughter.

SIMON

I can’t fucking believe it!

JUDAS

Pay up!

Bartholomew places the fifteen hundred on the table and Judas scoops it up.

JUDAS

I work hard for my money!

MATTHIAS

That was definitely worth every penny; I honestly didn’t think he could do it.

BARTHOLOMEW

Chicks dig gay dudes.

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

You should have just busted in her mouth.

JUDAS

I did! I just wiped a little bit on my hand for proof.

SIMON

Well done.

PHILIP

I’m speechless!

JUDAS

Don’t worry; one day you will get head and know what it feels like.

The guys laugh and Judas heads to the bathroom to clean up. When he returns, his ex-girlfriend is by his side.

JUDAS

Hey guys, look who I bumped into.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on Jasmine; it’s been a while.

JASMINE

Hi Bart, how’s life?

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t complain.

JASMINE

Hey guys.

SIMON

Hi Jasmine.

MATTHIAS

Hey,

PHILIP

Hi Jasmine.

JASMINE

What’s wrong with your eye, Phil?

PHILIP

I think I’m having an allergic reaction to something.

JUDAS

I just assumed Kim abused you so I didn’t say anything.

JASMINE

It looks infected, do you want me to run across the street and get some eye-drops?

PHILIP

No, you don’t have to go through all that trouble.

Simon winks at Bartholomew.

SIMON

Maybe it’s a hair.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, maybe you have  a hair in your eye.

SIMON

Jasmine, you should blow in his eye like the old ladies used to do when we were kids.

PHILIP

No, it’s fine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Phil, it might get infected; you might as well let her help.

JASMINE

Yeah Phil, I’m sure it’s painful. Let me blow the hair out of your eye.

Jasmine attempts to grab Phil, but he avoids her grasp.

PHILIP

I’m fine.

SIMON

Phil, stop being a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, let her blow into your eye; what’s wrong with you.

Simon stands from the table and grabs a hold of Philip’s arms.

SIMON

Go ahead, Jasmin.

Jasmine grabbed a hold of Philip’s head and blew into his eye. Simon released his grip and fell to the floor. The guys erupted with laughter. Jasmine also found the incident to be funny.

JASMINE

Phil is such a baby.

SIMON

Yeah, cockeye is such a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh shit! Cockeye!

JUDAS

I’ll walk you out Jasmine; these mature guys are going to be calling Phil a baby for the rest of the night.

JASMINE

Bye guys.

The guys wave goodbye, but can’t stop laughing long enough to say anything. Jasmine exits the bar with Judas.

PHILIP

You guys are assholes.

MATTHIAS

Why the hell did you let her blow in your eye?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, you know she just gave Judas head.

PHILIP

What was I supposed to do; Simon held me down and I didn’t want to let her know that Judas told us about what she did.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn cockeye, there is no way I would have let that go down.

Judas returns.

MATTHIAS

Are you guys back in a relationship?

BARTHOLOMEW

An open relationship; I assume.

SIMON

No homophobe.

JUDAS

Na, but I’m sure she has some ideas.

SIMON

You have nothing to complain about; you just got paid fifteen hundred dollars to get head.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, you’re a freaking porn star.

JUDAS

I’m not picking up the tab either.

The guys laugh and call it a night.

[IT'S A WRAP!]

Episode 3

90’s Tweets

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

These are five sample tweets I would have sent, had Twitter existed in the 90’s. I’ll only limit the list to five because I could probably go on forever and that would be pointless! I just think the idea lends itself to some funny tweets.

I will also post one response that I would have received for each tweet!

 

<I>

@Randomfriend About to call your crib. Pick up cause I banged your mom last night and I don’t feel like talking to her! #HousePhone

@PeteTeix617 HA HA! I’m showing my mom this tweet. #LastLaugh

 

<II>

I’m so upset with Buddy for what he did today, on Charles In Charge. #DoucheBestFriend

@PeteTeix617 Nicole Eggert is hot! #WhyIWatch

<III>

Say don’t you know no gooooooooood! #Martin

@PeteTeix617 LMFAO! That episode was funny as shit. #IJustWannaFinishMySong

<IV>

I’m thinking of running for class president, but I gotta find a Lewinski first! #Looking4aGirlWithABlueDress

@PeteTeix617 Who the hell saves a jizz soaked dress? #SuperFreak

<V>

I don’t know about Forest Gump, but those BAYWATCH chicks be RUNNIN’! #Watching

@PeteTeix617 Hell Yeah! Those producers are geniuses. #BayWatching

<BONUS>

You won’t believe this! Sixteen year-old Oregon girl just had a baby. #FuckingCrazy

@PeteTeix617 I just grabbed the paper; I can’t believe it either. #WrapItUp

 

Feel free to take this idea and run with it!

@PeteTeix617

Inside The Numbers

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

In my previous post, I mentioned Jerry DeWitt. He is the first graduate of the Clergy Project. The purpose of the organization is to assist ranking members of religious institutions, from all faiths, with their transition to the real world. Apparently, there are many people who are leading double lives. These men and women preach to their respective faiths by day, but are atheists by night. (I had no idea!)

When I stop to think about it, I shouldn’t be surprised; I believe the more someone learns about religion, the closer the individual will move towards atheism. If you have a desire to learn more about the organization, or feel an obligation to help out your religious leader, here is the website! The Clergy Project

It’s great to see religious leaders staying true to themselves and leaving their faiths. It’s one thing for people to have faith, but convincing others of something that you don’t believe in, seems pretty evil. I may be wrong but this may be the beginning of a major exodus from religion to atheism. (The future is looking bright!)

To me, the most interesting comment I heard came from Jerry DeWitt. He wondered if the Pope was an atheist. At first, the question seems ridiculous, but after giving the matter some thought I realized that the Pope may indeed be an atheist. Honestly, the entire College of Cardinals may be made up of atheists. In fact, I think everyone is an atheist, deep down inside. People are just too afraid to face reality.

The biggest enemy of faith is and will always be reason. Faith and Reason have never been able to get along.

“Why?” You ask. It all started when they were children.

Faith and Reason grew up in the same neighborhood and attended the same high school. For years, Faith was bullied by Reason. Each day, Faith would attempt to find a new route to school in order to escape the torment, but Reason always found his little buddy and made life a living hell.

The bullying continued while the two were in high school, but the situation was not typical. This was not your basic dumb jock taking out his frustrations on the school nerd; Reason is a genius and Faith is a complete imbecile.

When asked about his son’s grades, Faith’s dad said, “my son ain’t know much about no fancy book learning.”

It was no surprise when Faith failed to graduate. In fact, his mother once said, “he has about a dead rooster’s chance of winning a cock fight!”

Reason, on the other hand, went on to great success after college. He’s a multi-Billionaire who hangs out with the Dos Equis man!

Faith was a horrible student, but he went on to acquire great wealth. He became a con man and spent his Sunday’s manipulating people out of their hard-earned money. The two have never been able to become friends because faith knows that Reason has the ability to shine a light on his scam. (Faith is a complete asshole!)

     Now that you understand why Reason is the enemy of Faith, let’s take a journey inside the numbers.

***I found these numbers online and they may not be accurate. It doesn’t really matter, I only need an estimate. I’m only going to focus on the five major religions, excluding the traditional Chinese religion. (400 Million)***

World Population: 6.9 Billion

Christianity: 2.5 Billion

Islam: 1.6 Billion

Buddhism: 400 Million

Judaism: 14.5 Million

Hinduism: 1 Billion

Atheists: 150 Million

Both Buddhism and Hinduism have many deities and are different from the each other and the other three faiths. This difference makes it impossible for the two faiths to be real; at least one has to be complete bull manure. Judaism, Christianity, and Islam disagree on prophets but all three religions share the same “god,” so we can bunch them together.

Basically, there are three different “god” systems and they cannot all co-exist. We are left with at least two major systems, with millions of followers, which are completely wrong. Let’s assume that the “god” of the Bible and Quran is real. That would mean that Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and the earth’s remaining population are wrong. In this example, the numbers reveal that 4 Billion people failed to accept “god.” (This is the best case scenario for faith and I bunched in three different religions in an effort to increase the numbers!)

If atheists are right, that would mean that ninety percent of the world’s population believes in complete nonsense. (How the hell did this happen?)

Attempting to convince a believer that atheists are right is like sending someone into the jungle and telling them to explain to an indigenous person, who believes that the earth is stationary, about the solar system and how the earth is orbiting the sun and spinning on its axis. You can talk about all the scientific facts you want, but when he asks you why the two of you are not moving, there is no chance of enlightening the ignorant. (Good luck with that!)

Believers can thank their “god” that all this reason nonsense is meaningless. (Keep treading blindly!)

@PeteTeix617

Twitter Is Back To Being Fun

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

When I first signed up for Twitter, I found the site to be a great place to read random unfiltered comments from funny people. Sadly, things changed and the site became a place where one can actually witness society’s downward spiral; reverse evolution is real. (There was a time when self-respect was important!)

Scrolling down through my old timeline was an adventure down heard it before lane. All I read were tweets about hating one’s job and looking forward to days off in order to party. I may be out of touch, but I’m pretty sure there is a lot more to life than drinking and smoking marijuana. (By the way, if you don’t live in a state with legal medical marijuana, you probably shouldn’t tweet about your illegal drug use!)

Furthermore, it shocks me that most of the worst offenders are so called believers. These degenerates must think their “all-knowing lord” is incapable of reading their tweets. Obviously, there is no need for anyone to panic because we all know that there is no “god;” feel free to continue the tomfoolery. (Just be advised that Twitter is nothing like Vegas; what happens there will follow you for the rest of your lives!)

In an effort to improve my Twitter experience. I decided to follow some atheists. Boy was that the right move. I can now scroll through my timeline and find examples of people who actually get it. (It’s quite refreshing!)

I thought I kicked the habit!

     It was great to follow Jerry DeWitt, who is the first graduate of a project which helps religious leaders leave their respective faiths, once they arrive at the realization that “god” doesn’t exist. Jerry served as a Pentecostal minister for 25 years in Louisiana before becoming an atheist. (The great thing about Twitter is the ability to tweet back and forth with anyone!)

***I suggest following Jerry: @jerry_dewitt***

     Another person I enjoy following is @SexySkeptic. Not only is she knowledgeable, but she’s also attractive. “How hot?” You ask.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating a bag of chips without a napkin!

Who knows? Maybe one day I will meet a nice atheist woman to settle down and start a family. We could produce intelligent atheist offspring and maybe a couple dogs. (Just kidding about the dogs; children are enough of a responsibility!)

I can picture it now. My wife and I would send our first born, a boy named RePete, to the finest Parochial school in the country. Understandably, RePete would refuse to conform to the mandatory prayer demands from the faculty, which would eventually spark a massive lawsuit. (I would continue with this storyline, but that life seems like it would suck and I definitely wouldn’t force my child to attend a school which teaches about a mythical fatherly wizard and his magician son who could outperform Chris Angel any day of the week!)

To be honest, my preference would not be to date an atheist. I’d much rather find a woman who is extremely religious. I’m talking about a woman who has trouble sleeping because as she puts it, “tonight is the night that I will share Jesus’ suffering and experience the stigmata!” (She wouldn’t be crazy; just religious!)

“Hey, what’s the difference between crazy and religious?” You wonder.

     FAITH!

I’d also want the woman’s parents to be religious freaks. (I’m not talking about amateur porn stars who dress up in priest and nun outfits!) When I say religious freaks, I mean people who meet with the priest in the church’s media room in order to go over film of the mornings’ proceedings. (I haven’t been to church in a while; people do that, right?)

The reason I’d prefer to marry a religious woman is solely for the purpose of creating a never-ending awkward situation. Her parents will think that I am a worthy suitor, except for the fact that I am an atheist. It will just eat at him each and every moment until he finally gives in and accepts his little atheist grandchildren. The best perk would be the ability to teach RePete (Yeah, that name is definitely happening!) to tease his grandfather about his faith. (Why else would anyone want children?)

Each time we visited my future in-laws, RePete would ask his granddad to tell him one of his great Jesus the magician stories!

I know all this talk about RePete may cause people to assume that I want children, but I don’t! (To read why, click the link: You Can Keep Your Legacy.)

Romance talk aside, Jerry DeWitt posted a tweet that intrigued me. I followed the link to an interesting article, which I will discuss tomorrow!

@PeteTeix617