“God” Is Bad, All The Time

Posted by Peter Teixeira on March 22, 2013

I can’t think of a more annoying phrase than, “‘God’ is good, all the time!” I’m an atheist, so this phrase is not only irritating, but it’s impossible; “god” is imaginary. Instead of just calling people who utter this phrase, idiots, I decided to use reason to prove the hollowness of this claim.

We all know “god” doesn’t exist in the real world, but he is a character in Judeo-Christian mythology. Using the bible as my source, I will show that “god” is indeed, bad. (I refer to “god” as a male because the bible was written by misogynistic storytellers who clearly wrote about a male deity. Furthermore, if the character known as “god” was a woman, the story of Jesus’ birth becomes a lesbian love affair and according to the “god-fearing” people who protest around the world, “’god’ hates gays!” ***They use a different word.***)

I have no idea at which point in history people lost their minds, but “god” has never been good. I’ll give the character some credit for creating the universe, but we can’t assume that any being that creates a universe is automatically “good.” (Especially when we know the being to be a certified jackass!)

People always give “god” credit for their “blessings” during joyous occasions, but they fail to realize that “god” has nothing to do with anything deemed to be “good.” An example of this misdirected gratitude happens whenever a person enters a hospital and is cured of some fatal disease. What people neglect to remember is the fact that “god” has always been against the advancement of human knowledge. (His followers do a good job of continuing this tradition of contra-intelligence!) If we look to the bible, it is clear that “god” doesn’t want people to be intelligent.

When the devil, the real “good” character in Judeo-Christian mythology, enters the Garden of Eden, he shares his wisdom with Adam and Eve in order to allow for them to be more self-sufficient, but “god” becomes angry. “God” doesn’t want Adam and Eve to be intelligent; he’d prefer for them to do as he says without questioning his orders. (What an evil asshole! I think it’s clear that every case of domestic violence comes from this character flaw that has been instilled in people who believe in “god.” I’ve never heard of an atheist beating on a spouse!)

The Garden of Eden story should cause people to appreciate the knowledge given to them by the devil, but somehow, the boy-touching priests were able to paint “god” as the good guy and people agreed without questioning the facts. (Clearly, it is evident that the closer someone is to “god,” the dumber they are!)

Another example of “god” being bad is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, the people of these two cities were not living a “godly-life,” but death and destruction was probably a bit overboard. Instead of sending down a couple of angels and teaching the people how to improve their lives, “god” decided to just extinguish the cities; killing all of the inhabitants. (This guy is the king of “do as I say and not as I do!” “God” is a dick; whatever the hell happened to forgiveness? Did I misread the “good book,” because I swear I remember something about people forgiving others?)

Jewish people claim to be “the chosen people.” I can’t argue with that. First, “god” asks Abraham to kill his son. Then, right when the pious Abraham is about to obey orders, “god” says, “you’ve just been punk’d!” Are you kidding me? What kind of a psycho jokes around by torturing a child and his family? (We don’t have to get into the record of “god’s” church and the children the institution is entrusted to protect!)

This “god” guy is the worst CEO in the history of the world. First, he chooses the Israelites to be his people, and then he decides to abuse the hell out of them. The chosen people suffered through Egyptian slavery, being blamed for killing Jesus, the holocaust, and being blamed for killing Jesus by Mel Gibson! I get it; the chosen people were eventually rewarded for their faith, but at what cost? I’m not sure if they are thankful, but the gift seems pretty shitty to me. What did “god” give them as a reward? Honestly, the most inconsiderate gift ever; a country in the Middle East, surrounded by anti-Semitic rulers, one of whom said “Israel should be wiped off the map!” (Gee thanks, big guy. I’m sure all the suffering was worth it!)

As if abusing his chosen people wasn’t enough, this CEO went on to be the worst general manager ever. He continuously picks horrible men to lead his church. Hey dumbass, if the guy enjoys raping children, DON’T CALL HIM TO SERVE AS A PRIEST! It’s really simple but this all-powerful, all-knowing loser is so bad. Seriously, what the hell does he think is going to happen? (I don’t know which is worst, “god’s” choices or the people who CHOOSE to follow him!)

If a man is jealous, he’s a bad boyfriend. Same goes for a jealous “god;” he is a bad character in the bible. Let’s also remember some of “god’s” creations. People are always quick to point out the good ones, without giving any thought to the bad ones. Cancer, AIDS, famine, plague, chicken pox, Gigli, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, weapons of mass destruction, snow, cold-weather (Never mind; these don’t apply anymore!), death, crack, blowjobs with condoms, etc… (Bad “god!” If only we had the ability to wipe his face in the metaphorical piss that he showers onto our newly-stained figurative hardwood floors!)

I think my point has been made. No one can argue that “god” is not bad. If I really wanted to, I could continue to point out an infinite amount of examples to show just how bad this character is, but that is not necessary. I don’t mind people believing in the bible, but at least get it right, THE DEVIL SHOULD BE YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. The next time one of your family members survives cancer, thank the devil for providing the doctor with the intelligence to figure out a cure. (While you’re at it, don’t forget to say, “fuck you for creating cancer, bad ‘god!’”)

Oh yeah, how can I forget. The idiot appeared as a burning bush. Are you freaking kidding me? A BURNING BUSH! Do I even have to mention that burning bushes are bad? Seriously, this guy couldn’t think of anything else other than showing up as an STD? I thought Steve Carell was out of touch in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but Moses risked his life and challenged the mighty Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses, and successfully freed his people, for a burning bush. (Talk about putting the pussy on the pedestal!)

“GOD” IS BAD, ALL THE TIME!

@PeteTeix617

About these ads

A Conversation With Kevin

Posted by Peter Teixeira on August 26, 2011

*This is an actual account of events that happened last night. This post was written and saved into my drafts. I experienced every detail during a blackout episode. (No, I wasn’t drinking, ASSHOLE!) When I came to, the post was finished but for some reason, I can add to the piece only; I can’t make any editorial changes. (I definitely wanted to make some edits!) CRAZIEST EXPERIENCE EVER!!!

[I am in my room, I’m not alone.]

Female Companion: “It’s ok…that happens to most guys!”

Me: “I swear this never happens!”

Female Companion: “Ok, I guess I’m going to takeoff now. Are you about to go to sleep?”

Me: “No! I’ll probably watch the Gators game.”

Female Companion: “I didn’t know they played this late.”

Me: “They don’t, I have the game recorded on my DVR.”

Female Companion: “Damn, I guess you really are a fan.”

Me: “Yeah, text me when you get home.”

Female Companion: “OK, I will.”

[I get dressed, walk her out, then return to my room and sit on the couch. She goes off to some other guy’s house!]

I turn on the television and watch the Gators dominate! (I honestly record most of the Gators’ games on my DVR and watch them whenever I am bored! GO GATORS!) The Gators are leading by a score of 28-0. Starting quarterback John Brantley is marching the offense towards another touchdown when, suddenly, the DirecTV box shuts-off and I am left to watch a blank screen.

Me: “No fucking way! It’s not even raining. If this box starts malfunctioning like the Comcast box, I’m going to…”

[The light begins to turn on and off. It’s as if someone is deliberately playing with the switch, but I am alone.]

Me: “What the hell is going on?”

[I hear a familiar laughter from my past.]

Me: [Scared out of my mind.] “Is that really you?”

Voice: “Yes, it’s me, Fanta.”

Me: “Is this real…what the heck are YOU doing here?”

Voice: “I’m just playing, it’s me!” [Kevin appears. He is laughing hysterically! For some reason, even though he is a ghost, I don’t feel any sense of fear!]

Me: [Laughing] “Dude, you’re an idiot!” [I fold my arms and stare him in the eyes.] “Really? This is how you’re going to show up?”

Kevin: [Standing before me in a speedo.] “What? I’ve been working out.”

Me: “C’mon man, get the fuck out of here with that shit!”

Kevin: [Laughs and switches to more presentable clothing.] “Damn, still in love! You have to let her go man!” [Laughs]

Me: “Yo, you’re dead! When are you going to let that Fanta story go?”

Kevin: “Never!”

Me: [Shaking my head.] “Some people never grow up! This is weird. Were you here the whole night? Were you spying on me while I was smashing? That’s creepy! ”

Kevin: “NO! I just got here. You didn’t think I was going to let that Gators’ game play? Florida’s wack.”

Me: “Notre Dame FUCKING SUCKS! You sure you aren’t a dead peeping Tom? I can swear I heard some creep whisper, ‘give her a stroke for me.’”

Kevin: “Your dumb. Who was that…your girl?”

Me: “Na man.”

Kevin: “It’s cool, you can claim her. Who lives here now?”

Me: “Me, Dough, and G. D-I-X is done. This is where the magic happens!”

Kevin: “Yeah right. What’s good with you and your wifey who just left?”

Me: “No wifey. I’m just chilling right now. No time for a girl—I’m on my paper chase. Plus, we’re off to LA in January.”

Kevin: “Who?”

Me: “I’m going with E and cousin C.”

Kevin: [Laughs…he can barely control himself.] “Cousin C! What’s good with him?”

Me: “He’s chillin’. Just working and getting ready to make this move.”

Kevin: “The three of you guys? Talk about no buns!”

Me: “Yeah aight!”

Kevin: “That’s good J’s around. LA huh? That’s ill. Hold on a second.” [He looks around the bedroom.] “Where is the condom wrapper?”

Me: “Yeah, where did that thing go?”

Kevin: “Raw-dawg! You’re trying to have a baby?”

Me: “Hell NO! And I’m definitely not taking any shit from the raw-dawg king.”

Kevin: “That’s an allegation…I always strapped up.”

Me: “Yeah, me too! But for real, I try not to use condoms for two reasons. One, the Pope is against the use of condoms and, two, I love the environment and I know how much damage can be caused by latex!”

Kevin: “You’re dumb. Anyone slip up and have kids?”

Me: “Slip up? You’re an asshole. Children are wonderful and the parents should feel lucky to bring them into this world.”

Kevin: “My fault.” [We laugh.]

Me: Yeah, there are a bunch of kids out here. Go haunt someone else and find out. From the male cousins it’s only Zep, Dough, and D; D is the only one with a boy!”

Kevin: “Yeah? Dudes don’t wanna strap up. Huh? Zep and Dough have girls…I hope they got the shotgun ready?”

Me: “I hope so. You know we don’t take care of your kids, right?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Allegations, allegations!”

Me: “What’s good with death? Do you get to mash out a bunch of smuts?”

Kevin: “Nah, this body isn’t real. When we come back to earth we can appear as our old selves, but we don’t exist in the physical form.”

Me: “So you’re just a mind floating around?”

Kevin: “Yeah, basically.”

Me: “Is there a heaven and hell with god and the devil?”

Kevin: “Yeah. God was going to send me to hell, but I convinced him to let me go to heaven. He said I need someone to vouch for me so, for now, I have to stay in purgatory. Then when Nel dies, I can get him to hook me up!”

Me: [Laugh] “Are you fucking with me?”

Kevin: “For real. We sat there and reviewed my life. I had to explain everything.”

Me: “So how did you come here, if you’re waiting for Nel?”

Kevin: “Na, I’m just joking. There is no heaven of hell—no god or devil.”

Me: [Laugh] “Damn, I was about to go tell Nel to hurry up cause you’re waiting on him. So what happens when you die? I know you can’t help out ND, cause they suck ass!”

Kevin: “Yeah, I thought god would help ND win. If I knew there was no god, I would’ve picked a different team!”

Me: [Banging my index finger against my palm.] “You see this…see the stars? 25 all-Americans!” [He Laughs] “What really happens?”

Kevin: “Once you die, your spirit leaves your body, but no one runs the afterlife. Everyone is free, but we have no bodies. The people who have been around the longest are always around to help out with info, but no one knows everything. There are almost an infinite number of planets and we can go to any just by thinking about it. Since we are just minds, the travel is basically instant. It’s hard to enter a planet that has aliens because you can only enter with someone who is from the planet.”

Me: “So there are aliens?”

Kevin: “Yeah. I don’t come to earth cause it’s not easy. I have to be invited by a psychic or I can come with someone else who is invited. That’s how I came; one of my boys was called by his sister.”

Me: “What about all the people we know that died?”

Kevin: “They’re straight. No suffering after death. We all have a connection because we knew each other, so we can always meet up.”

Me: “So you can communicate with them whenever you want?”

Kevin: “Yeah, it’s easy. Usually I just travel from planet to planet and try and meet someone who can let me in so I can see how aliens live. We can enter any planet without life, so whenever I feel like remembering the past, I’ll go to one and see the memories.”

Me: “Can you actually see what happened?”

Kevin: “Yeah. You can relive the whole experience; it’s crazy. I can watch everything I did during my life, and if I meet up with someone I know, we can connect minds and I can share their memories. It’s almost like letting someone borrow a dvd.”

Me: “Let’s get back to the smashing. You’re telling me there is no sex in the champagne room?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “No, we can’t have sex, but you can connect with a chick and see her past; it’s better than you think!”

Me: “So let me get this straight. You died in 2006, right?”

Kevin: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s 2011. So what you’re telling me is, you didn’t get any ass for the past five years!”

Kevin: [Laughs] “C’mon man, no one can smash.”

Me: [I laugh so much, I literally roll on the ground.] “YOU GET NO ASS!!!”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Na, I meet chicks. I’ve seen some crazy stuff.”

Me: “Damn. I can’t believe you died and went to the Friend Zone. You’re actually trying to tell me that you meet chicks and watch some other dude bang them out? Sounds like fun.”

Kevin: [laughs] “You get no ass!”

Me: “I smell like pussy right now. My fault, you forgot what it smells like.”

Kevin: “Chill, Chill.”

Me: “Damn, that’s crazy though. What happens to the people who never had sex?”

Kevin: “They’ll never be able to experience it.”

Me: “It must suck to follow the laws of a god that doesn’t exist, and then find out that you did it all for nothing. I guess you were right…People need to live it up, because our memories will stay with us for eternity.”

Kevin: “Yeah, it’s crazy. Some people have boring lives and they just hang around earth, too scared to leave and explore. They are the ones who do all the haunting. It usually takes a psychic to get them to leave earth.”

Me: “You know what I always wonder about? You can see earth from space right?”

Kevin: “Yeah.”

Me: “Does my dick block the view?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Yeah right.”

Me: “You can keep it real with me!” [We laugh.] “This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m talking to you.”

Kevin: “What you missed me?”

Me: “Na man, I’m like David Ortiz with a hanging curve ball…I don’t miss.”

Kevin: “What’s good with my little sis?”

Me: “Aw man, she’s fucking up!”

Kevin: “For real?”

Me: “Na, I’m fucking with you. She’s good. In fact, she replaced you…we don’t need you anymore. You know what? I don’t know why I never thought of this before—From now on, I’ll take out my anti Notre Dame comments on her!”

Kevin: “That’s good; I have to go check on everyone else.”

Me: “How long can you stay?”

Kevin: “It’s up to me but, honestly, I just wanted to check in real quick. I can catch up with everyone in the future; there’s a whole new world.”

Me: “That’s great Aladdin! I guess that makes sense.”

Kevin: “What’s good with a cruise, did you hit one up yet?”

Me: “Not yet, but I’ll go soon.”

Kevin: “You’re slacking. Did you ever end up going on a better trip than the Jamaica one?”

Me: “Hell no! That was classic. Remember the chick from Worcester?”

Kevin: “Of course. She was a Kel seven! What’s good with the Peter Parkas?”

Me: [Laugh] “There are no parkas! You know I’m going to write about this convo, so we shouldn’t keep talking about Jamaica.”

Kevin: “Damn, I hate talking to people who are on lock!”

Me: “Definitely not on lock…just trying to be respectful.”

Kevin: “”What’s good with Latin…still spanking English?”

Me: “Yeah, we killed them this year. 54-12. Coach Mac had the team kneeling with almost seven minutes to go! Yo, you missed out, your boy Shaq was with the Celtics last year.”

Kevin: “Damn, yo yo yo, shaq is big!” [We laugh.]

Me: “Yo, we still have to discuss Tebow, the two national championships, and ND’s championship drought.”

Kevin: “Yo, I’m out. Bag Up!”

[He disappears.]

Me: “This fucking guy!” [Shaking my head.]

[The End]

*Ok, so I fibbed. This is not an actual account. This is one of the many possible scenarios for the afterlife. No one can know exactly what happens!

For those who don’t know, Fanta is the name of a girl who attended elementary school with me. One day, we were in the kitchen drinking a bottle of Fanta soda and I mentioned this fact. Since then, there has been an inside joke that I was in love with her!

Kevin was the best of us! Instead of wasting time missing him, I like to think about past events and how much fun we had together. Old habits are hard to break; in the past, every time something negative happened to Notre Dame, I would call him and we’d have a brief conversation! I still reach for the phone whenever something negative happens to Notre Dame. Some people have the ability to affect your life more than you can imagine! We strive everyday to live up to the standard that he set. Each day, I can hear his voice challenging me to do something amazing. I’m Trying!

If there is a future meeting with Kevin, I look forward to continuing the conversation. We really need to talk about Tebow!

Notre Dame SUCKS! GO GATORS!!!

@PeteTeix617

The Revelation 3D

Posted by Peter Teixeira on August 11, 2011

**********************3D Glasses Are Not Required**********************

[Our story continues from area 4181979.]

I meet Ackley, Cristoforo, and Rodrigo in the secret room. Everyone is re-energized. The tactic meeting is quick. Ackley is the most optimistic, but we all believe the strategy is solid. It is up to me to apply the game plan.

Ackley: “Be brave!”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator will not fail us!”

Rodrigo: “Remember the details! The twins are waiting for your arrival.”

Me: “I understand the responsibility that has been entrusted to me. I will not let disappoint the members of the FPB!”

[I leave and teleport to the VIP Lounge.]

Inside, I find Lu sitting alone.

Me: “Where is G?”

Devil: “He’ll be here shortly, he has to deal with some unrest in the Good Place.”

Me: “Unrest? Big brother always has to take care of business. What happened?”

Devil: “Well, there was a competition between the Christians, Jews, and Muslims. It was called Heaven Idol. There were three groups, varying in number, representing each faith. Obviously, it was a battle of the hymns. The Muslim team number 2, won with their powerful entry, Allah Holla! G is there trying to explain to the Jews and Christians that a hip hop hymn is allowed. They’ve been combing through the bible, looking for an answer, for a while now.”

Me: “Sounds like good times up there!”

Devil: “When I say boring, I mean boring!”

[We laugh.]

Devil: “Let’s get back to what you were saying earlier.”

Me: “What?”

Devil: “What’s this garbage about the big boss always having to take care of business?”

Me: “What? Everyone knows that you guys are twins, but it’s obvious—G is the big dog! The rest of us talk about it all the time. No one on earth loves you, except for the weirdo-devil-worshippers.”

Devil: “Is that right? You have no idea what you’re talking about…I have the same amount of power as him.”

Me: “I don’t know who has more power, but G has the respect, and he is the top dog. Look at your reputation…you’re the bad guy!”

Devil: “Let me stop this conversation because I don’t want to get angry. We’ll continue talking when G gets here.”

Me: “No problem. I know the big dog will back me up.”

Devil: “Yeah we’ll see about that.”

He was visibly upset. I could have egged him on, but I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his temper. We switched the subject and enjoyed our blue label while waiting for God to arrive.

[In walks God.]

God: “Sorry I wasn’t able to make it here early, I’m sure you heard about the incident. Allah Holla! What you faithful bout ready to give…Dollars Dollars!”

Me: “No problem big dog. I know the boss has to handle his business! Don’t tell me Ja Rule is in the Good Place.”

God: “No, he wouldn’t last a second up there.”

[The Devil stood up, visibly agitated.]

Devil: “I think you need to straighten this kid out and let him know we’re equals and that I’m your partner!”

God: “Junior partner!” *Tony Montana Voice* [He laughed, I laughed. The Devil threw down his crystal glass.] God was stunned!

Me: “Easy there, number two. Calm down!”

God: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Devil: [Yells.] “I’m tired of everyone thinking you’re the boss! When am I going to get my respect?”

God: “What are you talking about? No one said I was the boss.”

Devil: “Then what’s all this junior partner, bullshit?”

God: “I was joking…it’s Scarface, for crying out loud!”

Devil: “I’m tired of the jokes! From this day forth, I’m not taking this shit anymore. I am a boss too!”

Me: “That doesn’t make sense. Oligarchies don’t work. We need a monarchy. One ruler and G is the man for the job. If you don’t want to be number two, I’ll step in and you can be number three.”

[The Devil lunges at me, but God saves me.] {How Ironic!}

God: “Relax! Why are you taking out your anger on him? He has nothing to do with this. Clearly, this is an issue that has been bothering you for a long time.”

Devil: “Sorry Pete. I don’t mean to get carried away, but this is a sensitive issue for me.”

Me: “No problem. Maybe we should just drop the subject until Dr. Phil dies…he can help you work through the resentment!”

[The Devil lunges at me again!] {Thank God! (HA HA!)}

God: “Why do you keep going after him?”

Devil: [Yells.] “Because he’s been fucking with me all day!”

God: “C’mon Lu, it’s Pete—that’s what the kid does.”

Devil: “Don’t tell me to calm down. You’re not the boss of me.”

God: “Just relax.”

Devil: “Tell me to relax one more time and I’ll…”

God: “You’ll what?”

Devil: “Don’t push me.”

Me: “Cause I’m close to the edge.” [God laughs.]

God: “Hey Pete, chill for a little bit. The little girl is about to throw a tantrum.”

[The Devil shoves God up against the wall.]

The wall shakes, and a large white frame, encasing a painting of the sun, crashes to the ground.

God: [Yells out.] “Trustis!”

[I pick up the painting.]

Me: “The sun! C’mon Son!”

Devil: “That’s not the sun, dumbass!”

God: [Yells.] “Why don’t you just tell him everything?”

Devil: “You’re the one yelling out, Trustis! Don’t tell me what to do.”

God: “I’ll say whatever I want!”

[The Devil punches God in the temple.]

Thunder erupts! God lands on the ground, and his body becomes transparent. I get a quick glimpse of a small life form before he returns to his normal state.

Me: “What the hell…”

God: [In a booming voice.] “How dare you punch me! Take this!”

[He punches the Devil in the eye.]

Thunder fills the room. The same exact effect happens when the Devil hits the ground. The twins continue to fight. And each blow reveals more of their true selves, until their strong physiques no longer appear. Standing before me are two matching, two-feet tall, alien beings. Reality sets in and the twins notice that their true identities have been revealed. **This is where the reader gets to add to the story. Describe your own alien. Leave the description in the comment box, or pull out the old typewriter and have at it. Please place the finished copies in my favorite (P.O.) Box!**

God: “Look at what you did.”

Devil: “Me? You’re the idiot who thinks he is better than everyone.”

God: “I told you I was joking—we’re equals. You’re such a baby!”

[The Devil attempts to lunge at God, but I hold out my arm and stop him. He falls to the ground.]

Devil: “OW. What did you do that for?” [He begins to cry.]

Me: “What the hell is going on here? And why are you crying?”

Devil: “Because you hit me, and it hurts.” [Still sobbing.]

Me: “I didn’t hit you, I just extended my arm.”

God: “You gave him the Heisman!”

Me: “Why are you guys so wimpy all of a sudden? What’s a Trustis? And what’s with the weird transformation?”

God: “Well, I guess the cats out of the bag. Let me explain.”

Devil: [Shouts.] “No, nothing is happening until I get an apology. I didn’t do anything and Pete shoved me to the ground.”

[I shake my head.]

Me: “I can’t believe how soft you are being…I’m sorry.”

Devil: “Thank you. Apology…ACCEPTED!”

God: “Like I was saying before, we are what earthlings call, aliens. We are from the opposite end of the Universe. I would tell you the distance, but you wouldn’t be able to comprehend the number of light-years. There are trillions of galaxies in the Universe and ours is the furthest from earth. We arrived on the desolate planet a few millennia after it was formed. We are a fragile people, which is why Lu cried after you violently shoved him.”

[I begin to defend myself, but decide to let the matter go.]

Me: “Again, Lu. I’m sorry about the vicious shove. I don’t know what came over me.”

Devil: “We’re cool. It’s all good.”

God: “Our planet is called Credularous and our people are the Credularians. Trustis is the name of our star. The painting is an original Rembrandt, a reminder of our home.”

Me: “It looks just like the sun. How do I know you didn’t just have him paint the sun?”

Devil: “It actually is a depiction of the sun, Rembrandt never saw Trustis. They look similar so it really doesn’t matter.”

God: “Credularous is located in the Naïvao Solar system. Our Galaxy is named Gullibilitus.”

Me: “So why did you lie about aliens?”

Devil: “Because look at us. We are small and fragile. If everyone knew the truth, we would lose our ability to rule.”

Me: “So, did the two of you create the people on earth?”

God: “No! People evolved through the natural evolutionary process. When we first landed on earth, it was pretty much void of life forms, other than single-celled organisms.”

Devil: “Yeah, it was a great time. Watching bacteria, protists, fungi, and archaea; microorganisms rule!”

Me: “Why did you come to earth if the planet was basically deserted?”

God: “Our mission was not in search of life, we wanted the richest natural resource, and earth is full of it.”

Me: “These Blood Diamonds?” [I point to the wall.]

Devil: “No! Corundum!”

Me: “Corundum? We’re talking about Corundum? You mean to tell me, you traveled all the way across the Universe for Corundum. We’re not even talking about diamonds? We’re talking Corundum? Corundum? Everyone knows diamonds are the hardest minerals on earth. Corundum? I mean I can even understand Rubies or sapphires. But I can’t believe we’re talking about Corundum!”

Devil: “Relax Iverson. Diamonds are too hard. Our technology uses Corundum; it’s the ultimate mineral!”

Me: “Damn! Corundum?”

God: “Yes, Corundum!” (To all the ladies, the guy who gives you a Corundum ring, is indeed a keeper!)

Me: “What about the Fun Place and the Good Place? How do you control their existence and how does the afterlife work?”

God: “The places don’t actually exist. We use Corundum to create a hologram type effect, only far more superior. Everything you see seems real.”

Devil: “When life-forms die, their souls continue to exist. The souls are free to wander the Universe and learn all of the secrets. The ‘Dead’ exist in a different dimension. They can’t make contact with the living, but sometimes there are glitches. We simply keep the ‘dead’ in our ‘afterlife’ by controlling the mind.”

Me: “So you mean to tell me that I am free to travel the Universe and explore?”

God: “Yes!”

Me: “What about all the UFO sightings on earth?”

Devil: “I’d say, about eighty to eighty-five percent of the claims are complete bullshit. The others are real. It turns out that planet earth has the richest reserve of Corundum in the Universe. A great number of Credularians seek out the planet because of the Corundum. As we’ve noted, we are extremely fragile beings so sometimes our crafts crash land and the pilots die. There are government officials throughout the world who are a part of the massive cover-up. Whenever a craft is able to make a safe landing, I go to earth and send the Credularian away.”

Me: “Wow! That’s crazy! How many other life forms are there in the Universe?”

God: “Trillions multiplied by trillions. All types too! We are the most intelligent, so our people spread out to different planets and control the inhabitants by using our Corundum based technology. Part of our #winning strategy are the godly characters which we create. If you had attempted to fight with us when we first met, we could have been seriously injured. We are intelligent, but we lack physical strength. Our method of mind slavery is almost foolproof. We have to take off our hats to you for being able to out smart us. How did you figure out we were lying?”

Devil: “Yeah, it’s an amazing feat. No one has ever even come close to discovering the truth.”

Me: “I would love to take the credit, but I wasn’t alone. There is a secret society named the FPB. The group’s only mission is to uncover the truth. I was recruited because the members believe that I am some sort of Messiah, the Revelator.”

God: “That makes a lot of sense. Who are the members?”

Me: “Rodrigo is the leader and his second in command is Cristoforo. Ackley is also a high ranking member.”

Devil: “Et Tu Rodrigo?”

Me: “This is all unbelievable, but the FPB members are waiting for me to return with the information. Where do we go from here? I can’t turn my back on them.”

Devil: “We think it would be best to keep our secret and join us as the third ruler.”

Me: “That’s a great idea, but I can’t be a double agent. I swore my allegiance to the FPB and I will not abuse their trust. I’ll make a deal with you. I can reveal the truth to the people in the Fun Place, and the two of you can keep possession of the Good Place. Pharaohs, Pharaohs…LET MY PEOPLE GO!”

Devil: “Fuck! The Good Place people are sooooooooooooooooo boring!”

Me: “Don’t think of the current Good Place. Be creative and mix things up! The two of you can keep all the people who you judge to be candidates for the Good Place, but you must release the others.”

God: “That’s a brilliant idea. We accept your offer!”

[I exit the VIP Lounge for the last time!]

I return to area 4181979 and reunite with the guys. They are fascinated by the truth and we decide on the best way to free the others.

Ackley: “I think it will be best for us to reveal the truth, one area at a time.”

Rodrigo: “Agreed!”

Me: “Then it only makes sense to begin with area 1 and work our way out. Let the best people be freed first!”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator has spoken. Let his will be our command!”

[The End!]

********For those of you who witnessed the magic of the 3D technology, thank you for your continued support! ********

For those who were unable to experience the 3D effect, there is a reason. I struggled for several days attempting to figure out how I would be able to make this entry 3D. After searching high and low, I almost gave up. UNTIL…

I remembered a lesson from my past!

I turned to the last person anyone would expect. I turned to “god!” I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. (Dear “god,” good “god,” mighty “god,” good mighty “god.” Please be the good “god” and grant me the ability to make this latest entry a 3D post. Thank you good “god” who I fear!) Miraculously, my prayers were answered. “God” gave me the ability to create the exact 3D effect I begged for.

If you know “god,” you know there is a condition. The effect will only appear to those people who truly believe in my abilities. Only the believer in Peter Teixeira will be worthy enough to witness the greatness of the “lord.” Don’t worry. We are dealing with the “lord” so you know there is an express option. For those of you who are incapable of believing in me, there is a PayPal account set up, which will boost your belief points. The more you give, the better the effect will work!

Through “god,” ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

“’God’ is good. ALL THE TIME!”

@PeteTeix617

Alien Debriefing

Posted by Peter Teixeira on August 4, 2011

***If this is your first time on the blog, do not read this entry. ‘Alien Debriefing’ is the fourth installment in a series. The story has been unfolding through the weeks; read the first three entries before continuing with this post.***

Entry 1 = ‘A Conversation With God’

Entry 2 = ‘I Go To Hell’

Entry 3 = ‘The Creation Of The Bible’

I feel refreshed and I teleport to the FPB headquarters located in area 1492. Rodrigo is not there so I speak with Cristoforo.

Cristoforo: “Rodrigo is meeting with the twins. He’ll be here shortly. He told me that you believe you can gain the trust of the big guys.”

Me: “Yes, I feel they will reveal the truth to me.”

Cristoforo: “Rodrigo has always been a believer in the arrival of the ‘Revelator.’ Did he reveal the prophecy of the Revelator?”

Me: “No! I never heard anything about a Revelator.”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator is the one who will reveal the truth. We believe there will come a day when he will arrive in the Fun Place and remove all secrets.”

Me: “Where the hell did you guys come up with that?”

Cristoforo: “From the twins themselves. When Rodrigo first arrived in the Fun Place and accepted the position of personal assistant, he wasn’t adjusted to his new existence and over-exerted himself. No one explained how the fatigue worked. Rodrigo passed out in the VIP Lounge and the twins allowed him to re-energize there. When he came to, he heard Lu talking about the arrival of the Revelator. G was certain that there would be no Revelator, but we have been patiently waiting for his arrival.”

Me: “Sounds interesting. Why do the FPB members believe the twins are lying? Maybe there aren’t any aliens.”

Cristoforo: “No! there are aliens. We have been trying to uncover the truth for centuries, but the twins are quick to change the subject; they are extremely suspicious. I have been trying to get Rodrigo to attempt new methods of attaining information, but he believes in the Revelator. I guess there is no hurry since we have an eternity, but I feel we can at least make an attempt to outsmart the twins.”

Me: “How will Rodrigo know who the Revelator is?”

Cristoforo: “He believes the Revelator has already arrived.”

Me: “That’s great! Is he in the headquarters?”

Cristoforo: “Yes! There are those who believe that you are the Revelator.” (Tell me you saw this coming! Who the Hell wouldn’t make himself the Revelator?)

Me: “How can I be the Revelator? I don’t know any of the information about aliens.”

Cristoforo: “We have discussed that very point and we agree, you are the chosen one; your mission is to attain the knowledge.”

Me: “I don’t think I am the Revelator, but I will do my best to gain the trust of the twins.”

Cristoforo: “That is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Rodrigo believes the twins will begin to trust the Revelator and reveal the truth to him, but I disagree. The twins will never reveal such a truth to anyone.”

Me: “Why not? I still don’t understand what the big deal about aliens is. Why all the secrecy?”

Cristoforo: “The people who live in area 51 may be able to explain the reason. Let’s take a trip; Rodrigo will meet us there.”

[I follow Cristoforo to area 51 and we arrive in a dimly lit room.]

Me: “Where the hell are we? I went to area 51 with Rodrigo and this is not it.”

Cristoforo: “This is the second most secretive location in the Fun Place. The twins often visit area 51 so they can monitor the conspiracy theorists. They have a fear that curiosity will lead to revelation. This is Chamber X. it is located in area 4181979. Does that number ring a bell?”

Me: “Yeah, I was born on April 18^th, 1979. When was this place built?”

Cristoforo: “It was constructed after Rodrigo learned about the Revelator. He chose the location because of its distance from the VIP Lounge. The twins would never venture out to this area. The people who live in area 51 are the unintelligent conspiracy theorists. The twins have been lulled into a false sense of security, because of the nonsense that they discuss.”

Me: “Wow! So I’m actually the real Revelator?”

Cristoforo: “You have a great responsibility!”

[A man enters the room.]

Cristoforo: “My friend. It is my pleasure to introduce you to the one we have been waiting for.”

Mystery man: [Removes his hood] “Are we going to have some fun this time?”

Me: “What the FUCK! Ricky Martin? He’s in charge of this secret area?”

Cristoforo: [Laughs] “No, I’m just fucking with you again! Great job Ricky. You can leave now.”

Ricky Martin: “Again? I’m sick of being lied to!” [Inaudible singing trails-off]

Me: “Ok, I have to know how he died.”

Cristoforo: “You’ll have to ask the twins about that story; it is not my place to discuss the matter.”

[A man enters the room along with Rodrigo.]

Man: “Welcome to the area for those who seek out the truth! We have been waiting for your arrival. This is a great day! What shall I call you?”

Me: “Peter or Pete is fine.”

Cristoforo: “Pete, this is Ackley. He was the leader of the ancient people who lived in England. He is the architect of Stonehenge. He believed that he could communicate with aliens, but unfortunately he died before the construction was completed.”

Me: “So you’re a druid?”

Ackley: “No, We predated the Druids. We were called the Celtics.”

Me: “Celtics? You mean Bird, the Chief and McHale?”

Ackley: “I don’t mean them. We were a couple years before the big three!”

Me: “I thought the Celtics were pronounced Keltics?”

Ackley: “No! Some pretentious know-it-all in England made that up. We were the Celtics, just like the team. The people in Boston got it right!” (You know I have to give props to the Hub!)

Rodrigo: “Have you explained the role of the Revelator to him?”

Cristoforo: “Yes, he understands what has to be done.”

Me “Tell me about the aliens. Why do you believe the twins are lying?”

Ackley: “We don’t believe the twins are lying; we know! The twins are extremely clever, but there is a weakness. They are careful when holding discussions in the VIP Lounge, but G has a flaw. Whenever he becomes angry, he loses focus. Over the years, we were able to gain some knowledge, but never the entire story. We know the twins have an important reason for keeping the secret. There has to be a connection between their creation and aliens. There are two different beliefs among us. I believe the twins will lose their power over us if we learn their secret. There is no way they would ever disclose the information, willingly. Rodrigo has a different belief.”

Rodrigo: “I believe the twins have a feud with the aliens, which is why they don’t want to discuss the enemies. If they gain your trust, the secret will be revealed to you.”

Me: “I think it’s best if we assume the twins will not reveal the secret to me. I have to agree with Ackley about G’s temper. He had to leave the room during my last visit. I will meet with the twins and do my best to learn as much as I can. We shall not be lied to any longer.”

Rodrigo: “The twins are currently entertaining a guest. I will notify you when they are free. You have been given a wealth of knowledge, so it’s time to relax. Find some companionship and enjoy yourself. When you are fatigued, re-energize and they should be ready to meet with you.”

Cristoforo: “You might want to check out the big concert.”

Me: “Where?”

Cristoforo: “Area 100. That’s where all the concerts are held now. performances used to be located all over, but ever since the arrival of Ol’ Dirty Bastard, things changed.”

Me: “What does ODB have to do with area 100?”

Cristoforo: “Well, it all happened in the VIP Lounge. Ol’ Dirty Bastard was discussing music and he said, ‘You know what I mean? I always keep my concerts one hundred’!”

[We all laugh.]

We leave the meeting and everyone goes their separate ways. I decide to head to area 100. To my surprise, the music is quite enjoyable. The first act I catch is a duet; John Lennon and Tupac. Incredible! Biggie takes the stage and continues to amaze the crowd. The momentum is brought to a screeching halt when the next performer walks in. You guessed it, Ricky Martin, singing Living La Vida Loca. He is quickly removed from the stage after the booing drowns out his microphone. Amy Winehouse regains the audience’s attention, but she only performs one song before leaving the stage. I am summoned backstage while Mozart plays the piano. Sitting on a couch are G, Lu, and Amy Winehouse.

Devil: “Have you been enjoying the performances?”

Me: “Yeah, everyone was…well except for Ricky, it’s been great.”

God: “Amy, I’d like to introduce you to Peter.”

Amy Winehouse: “Hi.”

Me: “Hey, great song. Why didn’t you sing any of the others?”

Amy Winehouse: “Well, I just arrived here so my brain hasn’t completely healed from the drugs. I can’t really remember any of the other songs.” (Yeah, I went there!)

Me: “OH! Nice.”

Devil: “We are about to get out of here, but you should stop by soon.”

Me: “Yes, I’ll talk to Rodrigo and set it up.”

God: “It was great talking to you Amy.” [He gets up and whispers into my ear.] “New arrival my ass. She died three years before you. I think she’s half retarded!”

[We laugh.]

Devil: “Amy, you should hang out with Pete, he can show you around.”

My inner most thoughts, “FUCK!”

Amy Winehouse: “Sure, sounds like a great idea.”

[The twins exit.]

Me: “So, are you enjoying the show?”

Amy Winehouse: “Cut the small talk. Are we gonna fuck?”

Me: “Absolutely Not! I can’t make that point any clearer. I know there are no diseases here in the Fun Place, but I’m not willing to take any chances.”

Amy Winehouse: “Fuck you!”

Me: “No thanks! I’ll see you around.”

I walk around backstage and run into some interesting people…great ending to the concert! (I apologize to those of you who are perverts, I don’t know enough about sex to write an interesting scene. I am of the belief that intercourse is for those who are married. Virgins Rule!)

Fully re-energized I seek out Rodrigo. The meeting with the twins is set up and he reminds me of the mission.

[I enter the VIP Lounge.]

Devil: “How did it go with Amy? She must have been a tomcat in the sack!”

Me: “Do you actually think I would bang Amy Winehouse?”

God: “Sorry we ditched you, but we had to get away from her. I don’t know what we were thinking when we gave her access to the VIP Lounge!”

Me: “It’s cool. Before we talk about anything else, can one of you tell me how Ricky Martin died?”

God: “Why the hell do you want to know that?”

Me: “I ran into him a couple times and he seems weird. He mentioned that he didn’t want to discuss his death.”

Devil: “That guy is weird! There was nothing irregular about his death. He was involved in a car accident. The other driver was texting and Ricky was the only person killed. The media didn’t even make a big deal about it.”

Me: “That’s it? Tell me there’s more!”

Devil: “”No! That guy is so dramatic. I’m seriously considering banning him from the first million areas.”

Me: “If there is a petition, I’ll be the first to sign.”

[We all laugh.]

God: “Sorry about having to leave last time, I get pissed when I hear the bible story.”

Me: “Oh really, I didn’t notice.”

God: [Smirks] “What do you want to discuss today.”

Me: “There is something that I always wondered about. I often hear priests say, they were called to serve the lord. If that is true, why do you call men who are rapists to serve your church?”

God: “I don’t call priests to serve. It’s another aspect of religion that doesn’t make sense. The people who lie about being called are in the Good Place. The rapists decide to become priests because they know they have access to children.”

Me: “Shouldn’t they be punished?”

God: “They are. The ones who rape children are sent to the Holy Meditation chamber. They have to meditate until they achieve maximum knowledge of goodness. The room is completely dark and no sound can be heard. They will know when they have reached the maximum knowledge of goodness when their bodies begin to glow. Hasn’t happened yet!” [He winks.]

Me: “Nice! What about the people who never believed in you, then after a near-death experience they discover your presence?”

God: “Those are the schemers. They figure out that believers are gullible, so they create outlandish tales of struggles with demons. Did you notice they always seem to start their own churches? It’s not about the almighty; it’s the almighty dollar that they follow!”

Me: “I want to talk about aliens. Where does the belief come from? And why do some people believe the bible contains verses about aliens?”

God: “Are you kidding me with that question? Did you not pay attention to the story about how the bible was created. It’s all gibberish. Of course people believe the bible mentions aliens, they interpret that book to mean whatever they want.”

Devil: “Maybe I should explain the aliens, we don’t want him getting upset again.”

[God is annoyed and doesn’t respond.]

Devil: “People believe in aliens because they don’t understand the universe. In the ancient times, people saw meteors and shooting stars and mistook them for aliens. In modern times, people see new secret military crafts and believe they are seeing aliens. It’s all a big misunderstanding.”

Me: “What about the pyramids? G, did the aliens build them?”

God: “NO! There are no aliens. The pyramids were built by the ancient Egyptians. They used slave labor. The conspiracy theorists who want to credit aliens are not knowledgeable. The Egyptians were brilliant people and they had great architects. It really pisses me off when I hear someone give the credit to the aliens. Do you know, the Egyptians were able to provide underground lighting for the pyramids. They would set up a series of mirrors, which were angled perfectly. The light from the sun would travel from mirror to mirror all the way down to the bottom of the pyramids. They didn’t have to use torches. Aliens? Ridiculous! There weren’t even any other aliens on earth back then.”

[The Devil gives his twin a stern look.]

Me: “What?”

God: “The Egyptians built the pyramids.”

Me: “I heard that part. What about the phrase, ‘There weren’t even any other aliens on earth back then’?”

God: “Did I say that? I tend to lose my train of thought when I get angry.”

Devil: “Yeah, he says all types of crazy things.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. So there are no aliens?”

Devil: “No aliens!”

Me: “I actually want to go back to area 100 to listen to some tunes.” [I stand.] “I guess we can continue our conversation during the next visit. I’ll see you guys later.”

I leave and I can hear the twins arguing, but I can’t make out what they are saying. I teleport to area 1492 and meet Rodrigo and Cristoforo at the FPB headquarters. We don’t discuss the meeting with the twins, until heading to area 4181979 to meet Ackley.

[We enter the secret room.]

Ackley: “How was the meeting?”

Me: “Better than we assumed. I was abl/e to get G to break-down. He slipped up and said, ‘There weren’t even any other aliens on earth back then.’ What do you think that statement means”

Ackley: “It’s obvious. We were correct. The twins have a connection with aliens. Either they are aliens, or they have knowledge of alien presence on earth.”

Cristoforo: “I’m pretty sure it means they are, in fact, aliens.”

Rodrigo: “We can’t jump to any conclusions. The truth will be revealed by the Revelator.”

Ackley: “Great job! This is an exciting time for all of us. Let’s allow ourselves some time to think about what we have learned. We must figure out the connection between the twins’ power and aliens. Re-energize and we will meet again.”

Rodrigo: “Yes, that’s the best course of action. We shall figure out the best strategy during our next encounter.” [Everyone leaves.]

[Until Next Time!!!]

@PeteTeix617

Why I Like Hitler

Posted by Peter Teixeira on July 27, 2011

“Of course he likes Hitler, he’s an evil atheist Satan-worshiper!” No, you Dumbazian, atheists are not immoral devil-followers. We know the devil doesn’t exist…did you not read my post ‘From Catholicism to Christianity?’ (Dumbazians are people from Dumbazia, the land of the dumbasses!) Suggesting I like Hitler because I am an atheist is asinine; especially when it is a fact that Christians are more inclined to support Hitler’s views. ***I strongly recommend reading the aforementioned post, for those who are new to my blog.***

Followers of Christ are quick to deny the fact that Hitler was not an atheist; he was a Christian who believed in “god.” When he gained power, Adolf made a clear distinction between his National Socialism, and Christianity. The purpose was to ensure that his power remained absolute and unchallenged; the separation had nothing to do with his religious ideology. Hitler didn’t want his followers to be influenced by the Pope; relinquishing power was not an option for the Fuhrer.

“What a preposterous notion, suggesting that Hitler was a Christian; the guy committed genocide for Christ’s sake!” Really? Let’s review the facts and see if there is any connection. Genocide? Hmmm, where have I read about genocide before? Oh that’s right, in the bible. God repeatedly committed acts of genocide. Don’t believe me? Ask the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah. And how can I forget the flood–Noah and his family were the only people on earth who were good enough for “god?” The story of the flood was genocide on steroids! It seems like the bible is the place to go to learn how to commit a proper genocide. (This may come as a surprise, the Hutu in Rwanda were Christians! Who were the Hutu? They were the people who committed genocide against the Tutsi.)

Christians believe Jews are going to Hell, maybe Hitler was carrying out “god’s” work. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the mindset of the Christians during WWII. They probably believed the genocide was “god’s” way of punishing Jewish people for denying Christ. Just listen to the way Christians talk about Muslims today; I doubt they had any compassion for the people they hold responsible for killing their beloved mythical Jesus.

How can I forget the Spaniards. Those Mayans and their ungodly religion…WIPE THEM OUT!!! I cringed when I read stories about Spanish soldiers who ensured the sharpness of their swords by chopping up Mayan children. Maybe someone should have explained to the great Mayan civilization that the only road to salvation is through “Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” Let me not even discuss the genocidal acts committed against the Native Americans by the United States of America. John O’Sullivan was the Catholic who coined the phrase “Manifest Destiny!” Too bad the Native Americans never received the memo from Jesus!

The ancient Greeks were no strangers to genocide, either. At least the Christians killed in the name of “god.” The Greeks waged a ten year siege against the city of Troy. Why? Because Helen, the wife of Menelaus, decided that she was in love with Paris, son of King Priam of Troy. Shamed Menelaus, cried to his big brother and the King of Kings, Agamemnon, who led the Greeks against the Trojans. That’s right, genocide happened over a woman. “But that’s a myth!” And you mean to tell me the stories in the bible are not!

These famed heroes are never labeled as evil, but Hitler is history’s devil. History must be void of emotion; seeking the truth and reporting the information to the world is the only goal. Sometimes, I find my self rooting for the Germans when watching the documentaries, because I am able to follow the story and treat the events of WWII as I would any other in history. How ridiculous would a person sound if he or she waged a smear campaign against the Huns or the Visigoths?

It is time for the Jewish people to forgive Hitler. Isn’t that what the Torah teaches? I mean, the man is going to spend an eternity in Hell…seems like the punishment fit the crime! Right? When I was a Catholic, I found it in my heart to forgive Hitler for his sins because I was taught, that was the right thing to do!

“Do you really like Hitler?” Yes! Not how you would expect though. I wouldn’t pass him a note in study hall asking, “Do you like me? Circle yes or no!” I’m not enamored with the guy! (I would have banged the anti-Semite out of Eva Braun though!) When I say I like Hitler, I mean from the point of view of a historian. How can I, or any historian, not like Hitler? Just mention his name and people stop what they are doing and pay attention. When it was first launched, The History Channel featured Hitler week. The ratings were so astronomically high that the people in charge decided to incorporate Hitler documentaries almost daily.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that Hitler’s name is on the title of almost every WWII documentary? Most of the interesting channels follow suit. NatGeo, the Discovery Channel, History International, The Military Channel, etc. World War II was fascinating. The fact that we have footage and a detailed paper trail allows historians to uncover more information than ever before. I’m no neo-Nazi, but I don’t think there is a more interesting period in history. They should just come out with the Hitler network; it’s annoying having to search through several channels in order to find the new documentaries, which are truly enjoyable.

I also enjoy reading about the History of Germany and how the Nazis gained power. I am tempted to give a historical background, but that would be uninteresting and boring for the for “the cool kids.” (You know I care so much about what the cool kids think! Ejukayshun iz sew unkool!!! Agreed!) The interesting evolution of German unification starts with the Prussians and ends with Hitler. (German history is historian porno!) I have countless books on the subject, in my personal library, and I enjoyed several courses about Germany and Hitler. (Walking into Barnes and Noble and handing the clerk a book with a large swastika on the cover is not for the faint-of-heart!) I will continue to learn as much as I can about Hitler’s Germany because the subject intrigues me; Adolf’s story is unparalleled. The man witnessed Germany’s destruction during World War I, and he was able to lead the country back to prominence. Who doesn’t like an underdog story? Studying the primary documents and reading the actual back channel communications leading up to the war was phenomenal. Other than the Vatican Secret Archives, Nazi documents would be my favorite to peruse.

All of the “necessary” channels feature Hitler documentaries because he sells; he sells better than sex. In fact, if a Hitler porno was created, it would be the highest grossing adult film in history. They should call it ‘Hitler’s Nuts’ (The key to a great porno title is the pun. Does it mean Hitler is nuts, as in crazy, or does it literally mean Hitler’s nuts, describing the semen he loves to spread all over Nazi whores!)

Most people get caught up in the war, but Hitler had many other interests than German expansion. He created the autobahn, the world’s greatest roadway, which has sections with no speed-limits. (I will drive a car on the autobahn and reach at least one hundred and fifty miles per hour; my American record is one hundred and twenty-three!) Hitler hired an automotive genius by the name of Ferdinand Porsche to create an affordable car; it was Adolf’s vision to develop a car which all Germans could own. Porsche’s designs became the Volkswagen, which is German for “The People’s Car.” I don’t have to tell you what Mr. Porsche decided to do with his life after he fell out of the graces of the Fuhrer. (I just thought about it; some people need to be spoon fed. Porsche is the founder of the car company!)

Hitler was a champion orator and the greatest motivator. I would love for him to come back and coach the Denver Broncos. The team would never lose a game. Of course, hiring Hitler as the team’s coach would be a public relations nightmare for owner Pat Bowlen and his executive vice-president, THE GREAT JOHN ELWAY! Long Live John Elway!

Germans should embrace Hitler for all of the advancements that he created in the country. He was a great leader. Adolf was also cunning. During the 1936 Olympic Games in Berlin, he removed all of the Nazi anti-Semitic propaganda, and fooled the world into believing that Germany was a diverse and tolerant country. (Many of Hitler’s contemporary leaders were well aware of the truth, but everyone remained silent.) Do you realize, the allied forces met at the Treaty of Versailles following World War I and placed heavy restrictions on Germany. It was illegal for Hitler to create a massive army, and he was still able to take on the world; the guy was a genius! [I am not going to sit here and list all of the many accomplishments of Adolf Hitler, you can research the information for yourselves.]

Let me deal with the big elephant in the room concerning Hitler; THE HOLOCAUST. How can I talk about the Fuhrer as a German Hero without being outraged by the appalling acts he committed? The way I see it, if people can view George Washington as an American Hero, I can view Hitler as a German hero. They can leave out the “minor” detail–Slavery, and I’ll leave out the “minor” detail–the Holocaust. The word hero is thrown around freely, but I wonder what the answer would be if I asked a Native American which of the American Presidents is the biggest hero!

I often hear people attempting to decide which event was worse, American Slavery or the Holocaust. That would be like arriving at the scene of a horrific accident, in which two brothers were killed, and asking the mother which death causes her more pain!

Slavery in the United States and the Holocaust are equally shameful. But we must not forget that each event is based on a precedent, set in the bible. I already discussed biblical genocide, but as far as slavery is concerned, “god” gave rules on how to treat slaves. In the book of Leviticus, speaking about the redemption of property, “the lord” said:

“Slaves, male and female, you may indeed possess, provided you buy them from among the neighboring nations. You may also buy them from among the aliens who reside with you and from their children who are born and reared in your land. Such slaves you may own as chattels, and leave to your sons as their hereditary property, making them perpetual slaves.” – Leviticus 25:44-46. (Read your Bible!)

I guess Washington and Hitler were simply trying to follow “god’s” example. Maybe that’s why the saying is, “What Would Jesus Do?,” because we don’t want people doing what god did; that guy was a jealous angry asshole. “God is good! All the time!” Yeah right!!!

“Why I Like Hitler?” Not outlandish after all!!!

@PeteTeix617

The Creation Of The Bible

Posted by Peter Teixeira on July 21, 2011

My first night in the Fun Place was spent with my new BFF, Rodrigo, and his second in command, Cristoforo. (I just want to reiterate. This story is completely hypothetical, heaven and hell are mythical places created by man. Plus, I would never trade in my true BFF, J-Nice!!! A person who probably shouldn’t be reading this but if you are, Thanks for the support.) We grew to be quite close and, after a wild night, I didn’t make it back to my room until early the next morning. Just kidding!

5 Important Fun Place Details:

A – Time, day, or, night does not exist in the Fun Place.

B – Fatigue does exist. Otherwise, people would just go crazy and there would be chaos.

C – Everyone has his or her own living space, for re-energizing and coitus if you will.

D – There are no hangovers. The Blue Label does not alter the mind state, it’s just an enjoyable drink. There is no need to get drunk in the Fun Place; everyone has a great personality. Those with no personality spend an eternity in the Good Place.

E – No one is ever offended. Those who are easily offended spend an eternity in the Good Place.

I leave the VIP Lounge and follow Rodrigo to my quarters. It is fairly basic. There is a king size bed, set to each person’s specific sleep number. Mine is forty-four; I had no idea. (Can’t wait for the new single to come out. ‘I Wanna Know Your Sleep Number.’ You know it’s coming any day now!) {***Question for the ladies: Would you sleep with a guy who used the pick-up line, “Hey baby, why don’t we go back to my place so I can find your sleep number?”***}Other than the bed, there is a suede love seat and a three-seater leather sofa. I have hardwood floors, a beautiful cherry oak. Rodrigo notified me about an option for people who prefer carpet. The walls are platinum and covered with blood diamonds, Bling Bling! (I was literally laughing out loud while I wrote that!)

I take a quick tour of the surrounding areas, which lasts seven hours. (Were you even paying attention to the details? Time doesn’t exist in the Fun Place. I have no idea how long the tour lasted.) We then meet up with some of Rodrigo’s friends and I quickly gained the trust of my new family, the FPB. (Yeah that’s right, it stands for the Fun Place Boys!) Why they decided to shape their organization into a gang-like clique? Who knows!

It turns out, G and Lu keep secrets from the inhabitants of the Fun Place, and the goal of the FPB members is to seek out the truth. Rodrigo witnessed the camaraderie between me and the twins and decided I would be a great addition to the FPB. The guys gathered at the headquarters, which is located inside of area 1492. (If you were wondering about the method of transportation, we teleport!) Like any other “family,” I had to be initiated.

Me: “Hey Cris, why is the FPB headquarters located in area 1492?”

Cristoforo: “Three reasons. First, it’s far enough from the VIP Lounge, the twins would never travel out this far. The second reason, is because Rodrigo was elected to lead the Roman Catholic Church in the year 1492. Finaly, I discovered the New World in 1492.” (Yes, Cristoforo Colombo. The Italian name for Christopher Columbus! You didn’t think he would call himself Christopher, did you? For Pete’s sake, he’s Italian!)

[The Initiation Process]

Rodrigo: “Let the initiation commence!”

A couple of the guys, Socrates and Renée Descartes, force me to my knees. George W. Bush stands before me with a blindfold in his hands.

Me: [I Wrestle myself free and interrupt the proceedings.] “I don’t know if I want to be a part of the FPB if W is a member.”

Rodrigo: “He’s not a member; his dad promised him he could come today. I tried to stop him, but Big Bush helped us gather the alien info so we owe him one.”

Me: [I breathe a sigh of relief.] “Ok, that makes sense. But can’t we get someone else to put on the blindfold? He’ll probably do it wrong!”

[Laughter fills the room. The joke goes over W’s head.]

Rodrigo: “Go ahead W.”

The blindfold is placed over my eyes. I can clearly see through the bottom. Rodrigo shakes his head and straightens-out the blindfold.

Rodrigo: “Good job W. [He roles his eyes.] Now for the initiation. Will Ricky Martin please step forward.” [I hear footsteps.]

Ricky: “Present!”

Rodrigo: “To become a member, you will have to perform fellatio on Mr. Martin.”

Me: “Un Menudo Por favor! I didn’t quite get that; come again.”

Rodrigo: “You heard me.”

Me: “When did Ricky Martin die? And I knew he was gay but when did he come out of the closet? More importantly, how is he a member of the FPB?”

Ricky: “I don’t want to talk about how I died. And as far as your other question, I don’t think that’s anyone’s business. That’s a personal issue.”

Me: “Hey whatever. All I know is I’m not going through with this initiation. I don’t need to be in the FPB.”

Rodrigo: “We’re just fucking with you! There’s is no initiation; this is the Fun Place, not earth!”

[I remove the blindfold.]

Ricky: “Wait, I thought they said this would be fun?”

Rodrigo: “Ricky, you can leave now.”

Ricky: “This is bullshit.” [Inaudible singing trails-off.]

Rodrigo: “Sorry about that. He’s definitely not a member.”

Me: “You guys are sick in the head.”

Rodrigo: “Let the girls in!” [We party until exhaustion.]

[I hear a loud knocking, while re-energizing.]

Me: “Yeah! Who is it?”

Rodrigo: “It’s me, Rodrigo. You ready?”

Me: “Yeah, come in.”

Rodrigo: “What happened with the twins?”

Me: “I haven’t met with Lu and G yet.”

Rodrigo: “Not those twins! *Shakes his head* The TWINS!”

Me: “Ah man, that was crazy! By the way, they aren’t twins; they’re just sisters. They were actually peeved that you kept calling them twins.”

Rodrigo: “Oh really! Who gives a shit! What happened with them?”

Me: “It was amazing, I never did that before!”

Rodrigo: “You never banged sisters while on earth?”

Me: “I didn’t bang them! I purposely put my self in the friend-zone. I’m never gonna bang them.”

Rodrigo: [laughs] “They’re gonna be pissed. Those two want to bang everyone. Did you read the story about them in the book of Ezekiel; chapter 23?” (This is the second time I have recommended this story; go read it!)

Me: “Yeah I know, that’s what makes it so funny!”

Rodrigo: “Damn! Now I’m pissed, I wish I thought of that. They weren’t even that good!” [I laugh.] “Well, the guys are all in agreement that you are a great fit. When you meet with the big guys, remember to try and get some info from them.”

Me: “Am I allowed to just go whenever I want, or do I have to clear it with you first?”

Rodrigo: “Usually, I’ll have to be contacted first, but Lu said you can go to the VIP Lounge whenever you’re ready; they’re waiting for you.”

[We transport over to the VIP Lounge.]

Me: “Alright, I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

Rodrigo: “OK! Don’t forget what we discussed!”

Me: “I’ll try, but I’m not going to try and push the issue so soon.”

Rodrigo: “No problem; we have an eternity!”

Me: “Oh yeah, before I forget, what was up with Ricky Martin? Doesn’t he understand that no one cares if he’s gay? “

Rodrigo: “I have no idea. He is the only person down here who is in the closet; it’s ridiculous.” [We laugh.]

[Rodrigo departs and I enter the room.]

Devil: “So, do you like the place so far?”

Me: “It’s great! I’m really going to enjoy it here!”

God: “Are you sure? Because, we can send you to the Good Place if you want.”

Me: “I’ll let you know if I change my mind. Speaking of the Good Place, ever since you mentioned the creation of the bible, I’ve been eager to hear the true story.”

Devil: “I love this story. He can never tell it without getting angry!”

God: “I don’t know what he’s talking about; why would I get angry?”

Devil: “Trust me kid, he’ll get pissed and thunderbolts will start shooting out of him.”

God: “Thunderbolts? I’m not Zeus, you jackass!”

[We all laugh.]

God: “In the beginning, when man created the bible, the pages were as empty as a formless wasteland. A story needed to be created; the story which would explain all things. Then man placed ink to papyrus, and the words were good. At the time when man created the stories of the bible—while as yet there were no words on the pages…”

Me: “Hold on!” *Shaking my finger* “Did you just begin the story of the bible’s creation twice? And, if I’m not mistaking, you just basically plagiarized from the two creation stories in Genesis.”

God: “Why? Is that crazy? Don’t tell me my story won’t be believable if I begin it twice, with completely different details.”

Devil: [laughing] “I still can’t believe people believe in that book. Every now and then, G will get pissed and go to earth to shake things up.”

Me: “What? You go to earth and people can see you?”

[God shakes his head disappointingly.]

Devil: “No, I mean he shakes things up literally. Where do you think earthquakes come from?”

Me: “That’s crazy! I always thought it had to do with plate tectonics.”

Devil: “Nope…all him!”

Me: “So, why Haiti? They practice voodoo over there.”

Devil: “Yeah, but the official religion is Christianity.”

God: [Notices the amazed look on my face.] “He’s just messing with you, we don’t kill people.” [Becomes agitated.] “I fucking hate the bible!”

Devil: [Laughing.] “See! What did I tell you? He gets pissed every time.”

God: “I’m not pissed.”

[I laugh…Devil laughs…God shakes head.]

God: “Are you guys done?”

Me: [Still laughing.] “Please continue!”

God: “Ok! Well, the first thing you can do, is forget about all that writing nonsense. The bible was not written down originally. The stories were passed on orally until they were finally scribed in the year 1379.”

Devil: “B.C.E. It was the year 1379 before the Common Era. Not b.c. there is no Christ!”

Me: “Relax! I already know that.”

God: “Yeah, relax! Who’s getting pissed now?”

Devil: “Not pissed…just a pet peeve. I hate when people use b.c. instead of B.C.E. That’s all.” (This is not a pet peeve of mine. There aren’t too many things that peeve my pet!)

God: “The stories were not all created at the same time; most were added throughout the years. But the first books were created in the same year. The Bible originated in the land between the Tigris and the Euphrates in the year 3526. Oh yeah, B.C.E. This was the location of the world’s largest kingdom, at the time. Life was pretty simple, until the prince’s eighteenth birthday. King Tu Talesi, who everyone called Tut, could no longer sleep at night. His eldest son was a curious child, and the boy began to ask King Tut difficult questions. ‘George, why do you trouble me with such complex inquiries?’ The king would often ask. The problem was compounded when Curious George spoke to his friends, and they proceeded to ask their parents the same questions.”

Devil: “I wanted to help the people, but G thought it would be best for us to allow them to discover the universe’s secrets through the use of reason. That was one of his dumbest ideas!”

[I laugh.]

God: “You agreed dumbass! The king struggled for two months until he finally arrived at a solution. He summonsed all of the fathers in his kingdom to his castle, and asked each man to create stories. Each tale would explain one aspect of human existence which they were incapable of understanding. The King met with the men individually and assigned a specific story based on the man’s level of intelligence.”

Devil: “You’ve read the bible…there wasn’t a MENSA member within a thousand miles of that castle!”

[We all laugh.]

God: “The men returned to the castle after a month, and the King reviewed the myths. He was pleased with the results. His majesty’s subjects would gather at the castle each Sunday and the stories would be read to the children. A problem occurred on the first day. The creation story was read, then the Second father stood in front of the massive congregation and proceeded to read his own, completely different, version of the same creation story.”

Devil: “The king turned to his aid and said, ‘Oh shit, I assigned the story of creation to two different people.’ And the aid replied, ‘Who cares, they’re kids, they are too dumb to notice. I must say, this is a great idea; how come you didn’t ask me to create a story? Remember that joke I made up about the guy who walked on water?’ The king paused for a second then replied, ‘who would believe that nonsense?’ I shit you not!”

Me: “Damn, even king Tut wouldn’t have believed some of the Jesus tales; that says a lot. You mean to tell me that Curious George sat there and accepted two different versions of the same creation story?”

Devil: “Yeah! Turns out George was curious, with a hint of imbecile!”

Me: “Unbelievable!”

Devil: “Tell me about it. We actually had to sit here and watch these geniuses. I mean it was rough; up until the Mesopotamians showed up, I wanted to kill myself.”

God: “The stories continued and the children ate them up. It was just annoying at first, but then we noticed the strangest thing occurring. As the years went by, the adults began to believe their own myths.”

Me: “That must have been a fun time for the two of you!”

Devil: “Yeah, it was the age of en-dark-enment!”

Me: [Laughing hysterically.] “Nice! Can I see a video or something? I would love to watch the transformation from myth to reality.”

Devil: “No! that’s not happening. And if you haven’t guessed—those people are all in the Good Place!”

God: “In fact, their in the Extra Good VIP!”

Me: “What happens there?”

God: “They get to create the hymns!”

Me: “That explains so much!”

Devil: “I’ll take over the story from here. This is usually when he blows a gasket.”

God: “I’m fine.”

Me: “Wait! Before you go on, what about Jonah and the Whale? Was that included in the first stories?”

God: “What do you think?” *Shakes his head*

Devil: “I’ll talk about this story because you asked, but we really don’t like getting into details when discussing this matter. That story was actually created by a guy who was pissed at king Tut. The man wanted to marry the love of his life, but she was taken by the king as a concubine. In retaliation, the man decided to create a story that would not be believable. His goal was to expose the king’s lies, to the children. I couldn’t believe it, he was actually more shocked then we were. Once he was done, Curious George stood up and gave him a rousing applause.”

God: [Kicks the fountain.] “Jonah and the whale; I’m still stunned!”

Me: “I don’t even know what to say.”

Devil: “How do you think we felt. I was in a state of shock for a century.”

Me: “So G, you get pissed because the people are dumb?”

God: “No, it’s not that; I got over the fact that people are dumb a long time ago. What pisses me off are the stories they tell. It’s bullshit! I never killed anyone, and every single story is about me being angry and jealous; I wouldn’t do that shit, who do they think I am, one of the members of the inquisition? Humans are too dumb to figure shit out for themselves and, instead of saying they don’t know, they create stories that shit on my good name. Wouldn’t you be pissed? These motherfuckers believe all this make-believe bullshit about the horrible things I did, and then have the nerve to use their own crap to torture and kill each other.” (I would get into more details about the atrocities of the Church, but I deal with a lot of them in my novel, so you’ll either have to investigate for yourselves, or wait for the book!)

[I am worried and turn to the Devil]

Devil: [He can see the concern on my face.] “I think that’s enough for you today; I’ll finish up.”

[God does his best to calm down, but he is obviously furious.]

Me: [I stand up and pet God on the head.] “Pretty God, prrrreeeettttty god!” *Blind Billy from Dumb and Dumber’s voice*

[God shoves me back onto the couch.]

Me: “Sensitive!”

Devil: “The people continued to pass on the stories, until they were eventually written down. Over the years, more and more stories were added. In the year 61CE, there was a man named Michael who spoke out against the bible. He claimed the stories were myths. In an effort to prove that people will believe anything, Michael created the stories of a mythical superhero named Jesus. He chose the name Joseph for the step-dad, because that was the name of a kid he detested.”

Me: “What? I thought the stories were written by a bunch of different people? Michael must have hated that kid; using his name for the biggest sucker in the history of mankind!”

Devil: “Yeah! He couldn’t stand the kid. Michael was a great writer, he created the New Testament all by himself.”

God: “Can you believe his stories became the foundations for Christianity? I mean, the guy was drunk while he wrote!” [Stands up.] “I can’t do this, I have to go calm down.”

[God departs.]

Devil: “He can never make it to the end.”

Me: “I don’t blame him. How are you able to keep your cool?”

Devil: “Sometimes you just have to laugh or else you’ll go crazy!” [Shakes head]

Me: “So that that’s the story of how the bible was created?”

Devil: “Almost done. You can’t forget the Emperor Constantine. He converted so he could bang this hot Christian girl from the eastern part of the empire. She chose her favorite stories and he forced all of the Christian leaders to accept them as the new Canon.”

Me: “All for a chick?”

Devil: “You wouldn’t believe how many historical events happened just because someone wanted to bang a chick.”

Me: “This is too much. I can’t take anymore. It’s going to take me a while to wrap my head around all this information.”

Devil: “Yeah, so far everyone who hears the story about the origin of the bible has to go to his or her room to re-energize.”

Me: “I’m outta here. Maybe next time, you can tell me about the aliens!”

Devil: “What? We already told you…there are no aliens.”

Me: “Oh yeah, I forgot!”

[I depart and head towards area 1492.]

Rodrigo: “Did you bring it up?”

Me: “Yeah, I did at the end but he denied it.”

Rodrigo: “I think you need to spend more time in the VIP Lounge before they will trust you.”

Me: “No, it wasn’t that. I was just too exhausted. I’ll get the answers soon; the twins trust me.”

Rodrigo: “Ok! Good job. You should go re-energize, then we can go over some more of the information about the aliens.”

Me: “Ok. I’ll talk to you later.” [I head back to my quarters.]

[Until Next Time!!!]

@PeteTeix617

This Actually Happened – July 16th, 2011

Posted by Peter Teixeira on July 16, 2011

My love for the Florida Gators is well documented. The only problem I have with the team is the fact that the University is located in Bible Country. This bit of information has never affected me until…TWITTER! Recently, I began following a guy who reports some of the team news. Everything was fine until I started my blog. Apparently, my views are disagreeable to him. Problem? You wouldn’t think so, but remember, we’re dealing with a religious nut. This past Sunday, I received a DM from the guy. It read, “You were mentioned in this blog.” “Great!” I thought. Turned out it was a virus. The situation was a little annoying, but did he win? NO! His minuscule little brain caused him to believe he was doing God’s work. I’d say he is a domestic terrorist. Why didn’t he just leave a comment which explained his valid point? I think we all know why. I won’t mention his twitter name, because he will not be getting any publicity from me…UNFOLLOW! My first true hater–I feel so special. BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Check back tomorrow for a preview of next week’s entries!

@PeteTeix617

I Go To Hell

Posted by Peter Teixeira on July 14, 2011

If you recall, I was slowly descending towards the pits of Hell.

I can see the flames, and I have no choice but to come to grips with my fate. All of a sudden, one of the scariest moments happens–the cloud I am standing on begins to evaporate; I believe that I am going to end up in a freefall towards the fiery depths, but a new flooring appears. It takes a few moments, but I finally realize–I am in a hand-basket.

Something extremely weird occurs. I was expecting to feel the heat from the fire, but the temperature fails to change. The flames surround me, but they seem to be fake. There is also a roaring thunder, louder than the one which I heard during the storm that killed me, but the sky remains clear and blue; I am exceedingly confused. I can see a large sign on the blood-stained floor which reads, “Parking reserved for Hell hand-basket! All other vehicles will be towed at owners expense.” My heart sinks when I notice several dogs, from the Resident Evil series, devouring what appears to be a human carcass. The hand-basket touches down directly on the target, and the dogs stop eating. They seem to be intrigued by my arrival and rush towards the landing area. With the ferocity of a hungry great white shark, chasing down a wounded seal, they attack. (Let me take this moment to mention tomorrow’s blog entry, ‘My Obsession With Sharks!’) Thankfully, the wood is reinforced with steel so they can’t reach me, but I remain terrified by the devilishly aggressive barking. “Where’s Michael Vick when you need him?” I wonder. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist) I recognize the loud voice which yells out, “STOP!” It is God, and for an instance, I feel safe.

Did he change his mind? Was this trip in the hand-basket a way of teaching me a lesson? I can’t wait to find out!

The dogs disappear along with the hand-basket. I am a bit apprehensive, but I know that I have to run towards the voice. At that moment, there is only one thought running through my mind; I remember ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’

[I slowly begin to walk]

Me: “The penitent man shall pass. The penitent man shall pass.”

I feel a presence following closely, which causes me to run down the narrow hallway. I avoid the chunks of human flesh and the puddles of blood, with the agility of a hungry African Cheetah chasing after a swift antelope. (How ironic…a former atheist running towards God for safety.) I sprint towards the end of the dimly-lit hallway, and I am shocked to see that God is no longer 6 cubits tall, but a less intimidating 6 feet.

Devil: “I thought you didn’t believe in religion? What’s with the penitent man talk?”

Me: “I just came from Heaven and now I’m in Hell…HELLO!” [He shakes his head] “What happened to you? How come you’re not a giant?”

Devil: “You are confused. I am not who you think I am.”

Me: “Don’t start with that ‘I am that I am’ stuff again.”

Devil: “We’ve actually never met. I am who people refer to as the Devil, but you can call me ‘Lu’.”

Me: “Lu?”

Devil: “Yeah. It’s short for Lucifer. My rap name is Lu Cipher! I spit hot fire, pun intended.”

Me: “Let me guess. You spit that real shit, and not that fake commercial bull that is out–right?”

Devil: “Here we go, my brother told me about you and your comments.”

Me: “What Brother? I know you’re not talking about God.”

Devil: “Follow me and everything will be explained.”

{A massive door opens, leading to a VIP room. Everything inside is white, the leather couches, the walls, the coffee table, the rug, etc. In the center of the space is a large fountain statue of a mermaid. I do a double take when I realize that Lu is already seated on one of the couches. I look back and notice that he is also standing by my side.}

Me: “Is this some kind of magic?”

Devil: “No, that’s my brother. You know him as God.”

[My jaw drops!]

Me: “What the Hell is going on here? Excuse the pun.”

Devil: “Grab a seat and we’ll explain everything.”

God: “How was the trip?” [Laughs]

Me: “It was ok…there was some turbulence, but overall I felt pretty comfortable. It would’ve been nice to have a seat, but I’m not complaining.” [He shakes his head, disapprovingly.] “What’s going on? I’m a little freaked out; why are you not 6 cubits tall? Why is the Devil…I mean Lu, saying that he’s your brother? Why are you in Hell? And more importantly, why is there a big water fountain statue of a mermaid in the middle of the room?”

God: “Calm down. First of all, it’s not water; It’s Johnnie Walker Blue Label.”

Devil: “Grab a cup and see for yourself.”

[I grab a glass and place it under the flowing liquid.]

Me: “Blue? Really! I’d expect, with all of your powers, you guys would be drinking some magical godly drink.”

Devil: “We do; it’s called Blue Label…You didn’t think Johnnie Walker actually created it.”

[I take a sip.]

Me: “Wow…now that’s smooth! Well done my good man. Or shall I say, my bad man!”

Devil: [Shakes head.] “Funny.”

God: “As far as the statue is concerned, we love the movie ‘Splash’.” [Shrugs] “What can I say!”

Me: “Splash? Tom Hanks, Daryl Hannah? This is too crazy!”

God: “Let me explain what’s going on. Well, I can’t explain how we came to exist; only someone who has a vast understanding of Biology would be able to comprehend. In fact, humans won’t discover the truth behind our existence until the year 2234.”

Me: “Wait, so you mean to tell me that humans will actually be able to prove that you exist?”

Devil: “Me too! But they will remain confused until 2079. That’s when the world’s brightest minds will figure out that we are twins, and not adversaries.”

Me: “Twins? That’s insane! What about all the competing for souls that was always preached on Earth, and all of the other teachings from the Bible?”

God: “All a bunch of nonsense!”

Me: “I knew it!”

God: “I have to admit, I enjoyed the conversation that we had earlier, and your ‘Virgin Birth’ post was hilarious; we still go back and read it every now and again. I spoke to my brother and we have decided that you can live in area one, with complete access to the VIP Lounge. Here, we will explain anything that you want clarified. How the Bible came to exist, can be explained during your next visit, but for now, we’ll discuss the basics.”

Me: [Filled with excitement.] “I can’t wait to hear that story.”

(***Be on the look out for ‘The Creation of The Bible.’***)

God: “You have to understand that most of what is preached on earth, is the creation of humans. We don’t bother to control what people do. It was agreed upon, a long time ago, that we would only focus on sending people to the proper afterlife location; humans have freewill.”

Devil: “What would be the point of controlling everyone? We enjoy being surprised by how each individual chooses to live his or her life.”

Me: “I’m glad you guys enjoyed the story. (How could they not!) Let me get this straight. You guys simply wait until people die, and then judge them based on their behavior?”

God: “Not exactly. We don’t really care what people do; it has no bearing on whether we send them to Heaven or Hell.”

Me: “You don’t care? That’s unexpected.”

God: “Heaven and Hell are human creations, and there is no such thing as sin. We simply have the ‘Good Place’ and ‘The Fun Place’.”

Devil: “The Good Place, which humans refer to as Heaven, is boring. The people we send there are the do-gooders. They spend their entire lives believing in my brother and they feel that they will be rewarded, so that’s what we do. I can’t stress this point enough; IT IS A BORING PLACE! All they do is sit around singing hymns and telling Bible stories. And to them it’s Heaven.”

God: “Every now and again, one of us will go up there and say some Bible quote to get them all riled up; it’s so ridiculous how simple they are.”

Me: “So, if he goes by the name Lu, what should I call you?”

God: “Alejandro!”

Me: [I Burst out laughing!] “What? You’re kidding right?”

Devil: “Alejandro? When the Hell did you come up with that?”

God: “No, I’m just kidding. I was people watching and the radio was on. That Lady Gaga song came on, and I can’t get it out of my head. I mean, great song, but I can’t walk around singing some dudes name.”

Me: “I can definitely understand that; I hate when the wrong song gets stuck in my head! [Singing] Don’t call my name, don’t call my name…Roberto.”

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro…it’s been all day; I can’t get the damn thing out of my head.”

Devil: “If you guys get that song stuck in my head, I’m going to be pissed off!”

Me: “It’s better to be pissed off, then pissed on!”

Devil: “Really? That’s so old.”

Me: “Old but good…kind of like your mother!”

Devil: “Do you know what we can do to you?”

Me: “My fault Lu. I didn’t know you were so sensitive. Should we hug it out.”

[Spreads arms out. And his hands turn into balls of fire.]

Devil: “Yeah, come over here. Give me a hug.”

Me: “Na, I’m good.”

God: “Getting back to your question, I actually love it when they call me Big Poppa!”

Me: [Laughing.] “There is no way in Hell, I’m calling you that.”

God: [Laughs] “Na, You can just call me G.”

Me: “Ok, that’s easy enough. What about the flames? Why didn’t they burn me?”

God: “They aren’t real. We just added them so the people in the Good Place will continue to believe that everyone down here is burning for eternity; They’re so gullible.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What about Hell, and all the people who did bad things while on earth?”

Devil: “I’ll take this one. The people who commit horrible atrocities, are sent to the furthest part of the Fun Place. It’s not a bad area, just far from us. They have fun just like everyone else down here, but we just don’t want to be around them; there is no desire to hang with some guy who viciously murdered seven people. We don’t believe in torturing anyone; we’d have to be a couple of psychos to do that. Do you suppose we would create humans, and then torture them because they make a few mistakes? ,

Me: “Nope. That wouldn’t make any sense.”

Devil: “Precisely! We have guardians who keep each area separated. The closer you are to the VIP Lounge, the more access you have in the Fun Place. People are free to move into a different area, but only to an area that is further away from the VIP Lounge; each area is numbered. Area one is the closest to the VIP Lounge, and the higher the number, the further away you will be. Understand?”

Me: “Yeah, it makes perfect sense, but let me make sure I got it right. If you are in area fifty-one, you can move to any area except for areas one through fifty.”

Devil: “Exactly. It’s interesting you mentioned area fifty-one. That’s where all the conspiracy theorists stay. I definitely recommend checking it out some time; those people come up with the craziest ideas.”

Me: “Speaking of area fifty-one. Are there aliens?”

Devil: “Logically, you would think so, but the answer is no. There are no aliens.”

Me: “What about spirits?”

Devil: “Yeah, I guess. Sometimes, we get crazy people who jump out of the hand-basket. They roam around earth doing all sorts of spooky things.”

Me: “What was the point of making me think I was going to Hell?”

Devil: “This is the Fun Place. We enjoy messing with people!”

ME: “Speaking of messing with people, doesn’t it bother you that you have such a bad reputation?”

Devil: “Yeah, that bothers both of us. I’m one of the coolest people ever, and they make me out to be evil; it sucks!”

Me: “Yeah, they hate you. Lu, I can understand why you’re upset, but G? You have a great rep!”

God: “Did you read the Bible? They make me out to be some jealous narcissist with anger issues, who destroys cities and kills indiscriminately. I don’t know where they come up with that garbage.”

Me: “So you guys understand why I never believed in all that religion crap?”

God: “Of course! That’s why you’re down here. We can’t understand how anyone would ever believe those stories. I mean for god sake, no pun intended, there are two creation stories in the beginning of the Bible. Faith is the biggest crock in the history of the world. It was created by people who weren’t intelligent enough to explain how the world works. I’ll get into more details when we discuss the Bible next time.”

Me: “What are the rules down here?”

Devil: “It’s pretty simple. We already discussed moving to different areas. Everyone who is down here is immortal; there are no injuries or diseases. It’s pretty much a free-for-all. Go wherever you want, and hang with anyone you want.”

Me: “Sex is allowed?”

Devil: “Would it be the Fun Place without sex? It’s the best; no condoms, no diseases and no pregnancies.”

Me: “You mean to tell me, you guys are allowed to have sex?”

Devil: “Who can possibly stop us? If you want to take a vow of celibacy, go right ahead my friend—with all these women down here…I’ll be doing my thing!”

Me: [Laughing.] “You’ll have to excuse me; I don’t know what I was thinking. Before I forget. What happens to all those suicide bombers who believe they will be rewarded with seventy-two virgins?”

Devil: “They get the virgins, but there is no sex in the Champaign room, if you will.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What? You mean to tell me that everyone who is in the Good Place is spending an eternity without sex? What do they do?”

Devil: “Did you not hear me stress the point…IT’S BORING UP THERE!”

God: “Yeah! There’s no sex; they sing all day and go over the Bible. For fun, they watch over family members and judge the ‘bad people’ on earth. They actually cheer when I send someone to ‘Hell.’ You should have heard the loud eruption that happened when you were descending—they definitely weren’t feeling your stories.”

Devil: “You remember the thunder that you heard during the trip here? That wasn’t us—it was the thunderous applause.”

Me: “I was so confused by the thunder—the sky was perfect. Hey G, why did you kill me so dramatically?”

God: “I had to…they were watching and cheering me on! That whole turning myself into a giant thing and quoting the Bible; I have to do it for them.”

[A man walks into the room.]

God: “I would like to introduce you to our assistant and good friend, Rodrigo Borgia.”

Rodrigo: “Hello, it’s great to finally meet you. I enjoyed reading your stories.”

Me: “Pope Alexander the sixth? That’s who you guys chose to be your assistant?”

God: “Yeah, he was one of the first people on earth to understand that the Bible was a bunch of myths. We can’t blame him for using that knowledge to manipulate the people who were less intelligent than he was. In fact, I’d say over ninety percent of the Popes are down here.”

Rodrigo: “Surprised? I’m actually a great guy!

Devil: “Yeah, he’s a fun guy to hang out with. He’s got some great stories.”

Me: “What about all the tales they told about you? Aren’t you the one who…” (Look up Pope Alexander VI. He was a disturbed man to say the least.)

Rodrigo: “Hey, hey. There’s no need to bring up the past. What can I say, I wasn’t perfect!” [Laughs.] “I’m sorry to interrupt, one of you has to go up there.”

God: “Now what?”

Rodrigo: “They’re upset because there is man in America who has been claiming to be Jesus, and he has a pretty large following.”

Me: “That reminds me. What about Jesus?”

God: “We’ll discuss Jesus, when we talk about the Bible.” [I nod my head understandingly.] “You going up this time, Lu?”

Devil: “HELL NO!”

God: “Sorry guys, looks like I have to go deal with this headache.”

Devil: “Sucks to be you!”

[God gets up and leaves.]

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro!”

[We all laugh.]

Devil: “Follow Rodrigo, he’ll show you around and get you acclimated.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll be back so we can talk about the Bible.”

Devil: “Alright, we’ll see you next time.”

[I exit with Rodrigo.]

Rodrigo: “I’ll show you to your room, then we can go and meet some ladies!”

Me: “Sounds good!”

[Until Next Time!!!]

@PeteTeix617

A Conversation With God

Posted by Peter Teixeira on July 7, 2011

I know what you’re thinking. How can I have a conversation with God, if I declared myself an atheist? Have I changed my mind? Did I get a vision during the night? NO! I am still an atheist but, after several comments about my imminent trip to hell, I decided to write about what would actually happen if the “God-fearing” people are indeed correct.

**In no way do I question the fact that “god” doesn’t exist! This post is entirely facetious.**

Here we go: That awkward moment when an atheist realizes that there is a God. Yikes!

The year is 2014. It’s September 26^th, I am at an all time high because I just returned from my trip to Brazil to watch the host nation win it’s record sixth World Cup. It’s a significant day, the fifth year anniversary of my car accident. I sit down in front of the computer and proceed to write my reflection of the tragic event – the piece is amazing. (Humble, I know.) I prepare to post the finished product, but I am startled. Out of nowhere, thunder begins to roar in the sky. I quickly run to the window and lift the blinds; I marvel at the site. People seem to be losing their minds, running recklessly, trying to escape the massive lightening bolts which continue to strike the city. Cars are destroyed, trees are split in half, and telephone poles are knocked down; it’s pandemonium. For some unexplainable reason, I feel the need to have an unobstructed view of the sky; I climb on the roof. The thunder roars louder and the crackling lightning bolts strike closer. The only explanation I can think of is, Mother Nature must be on her period. (Honestly. That is exactly what I will think!)

In a dramatic show of defiance, I yell out, “come and get me ‘god!’ I do not fear thee. For I am your equal.”

Instantly, the sun zigzags in the sky. “This must be what Lucia, Jacinta, Francisco, and the people of Fatima, Portugal must have seen while standing in the field near Cova da Iria in 1917. This is my Miracle of the Sun.” I assume.

The sun moves closer, but I can’t feel the heat. I do my best to look away, but my eyes are fixed on the center. Slowly, a face begins to appear. I can see the mouth begin to move, and I hear a strong authoritative voice, “As the dog returns to his vomit, so the fool repeats his folly.”

I don’t even have a moment to take in the words. A massive lightning bolt, larger than any other that has been witnessed on earth, strikes me directly on the chest. There is nothing left of me…I no longer inhabit this realm. {You didn’t really think I was going to write about my death and not make it EPIC, did you?}

An incalculable amount of time elapses. I find myself, completely intact, standing on what I can only ascertain to be a nimbus cloud. There, directly in front of me, is a giant. I roughly gauge his height to be six cubits, and he looks like he is obviously on the juice…and I don’t mean Natraburst! (The world’s best and most natural super foods blend!)

[I stare into his eyes.]

Me: “Who are you?”

God: “Come no nearer! Remove the sandals from your feet, for the place where you stand is holy ground.”

[I look down.]

Me: “What the heck. Sandals? What happened to the Jordans I had on?” (Shameless plug #2. Hey Mike, if this blog grows a massive readership, I want to get PAID!)

[I look back up.]

Me: “And why are you quoting from Exodus 3-5? This is some freaky shit! First, the sun quotes from Proverbs 26-11, then, I meet a Giant who is also quoting from the Bible?”

God: “Quiet you imbecile! I am that I am.”

Me: “WHAT?”

God: “What don’t you understand? I’m God, you fool!”

Me: “God? Oh! You look taller in person.” [I can’t keep a straight face; he grows even more agitated, but I press on.] “Why didn’t You just say that? *Mocking God* I am that I am…what’s all that about?”

God: “You are already headed to Hell. Do you think it is wise to mock me?”

Me: “I’m going to Hell? What the Hell? What did I ever do to You?”

God: “Is that a serious question?”

Me: “Why do You keep asking me a questions? Shouldn’t you already know the answers…I thought you were all knowing?”

God: “I allow people to have free will. You make the choices and I will make the judgments. The fool’s mouth is his ruin; his lips are a snare to his life.”

Me: “Ok, You definitely need to come up with new material; that’s Proverbs 18-7. And why do You keep calling me a fool? Do You want to go to Hell with me? Need I remind His Highness of what you said in Matthew 5-22? ‘…And whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna’.”

God: “Clever! You’re laughing now but, he who laughs last–laughs best.”

Me: “That’s not from the Bible.”

God: “But I did invent it. It is I who is the inventor of all.”

Me: “What is all this, anyways? Why am I here? I thought I was going to Hell?”

God: “Oh, but you are my child! Before I send people to Hell, I like to converse with them.”

Me: “This is messed up! If I’m your child, why are you sending me to Hell? Can’t I go to my room, or be on timeout or something?”

God: “It is too late for forgiveness. I have already made my decision. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.”

Me: ”Really? You’re seriously going to quote Ramsey’s the second from the movie ‘The Ten Commandments?’ He wasn’t on your side, he was against Moses, remember?”

God: “Well, my good friend Charlton Heston is here and he always shivers when he hears me say that line.”

Me: “Hold on. If you have a sense of humor, why am I going to Hell? Didn’t you find some of the material funny? You have to admit, that Virgin Birth was hilarious.”

God: “Let me see. *tapping his index finger on his jaw and looking off to the left* You created a story in which Mary, the virgin-woman who I personally chose to be the mother of my son, is a common whore. I wonder why I don’t see the humor in that?”

Me: “Ok, I get it – you were pissed. Fine, send me to Hell; I don’t even care.”

God: “Before you go, I want you to answer me this? Why would someone who knows so much about the Bible, decide to be an atheist?”

Me: “Did you read that book? C’mon!” *Shrugs shoulder* “Why would you give me the ability to learn so much about the contradictions in the Bible, and the fallacies of the church, then expect me to still believe? You entrapped me, if you really think about it; isn’t that illegal or something?”

God: “I’ll look into it.” *a piece of parchment appears in his right hand, and a fountain pen in his left. He writes down some notes, then crumbles up the sheepskin and tosses it into a campfire which also appears.*

[I shake my head]

God: “You grew up in an extremely religious family; I gave you all of the opportunities to succeed, but you decided to leave the church. Why?”

Me: “Because you gave me the ability to use logic; how was I supposed to believe in your existence? There are people who grow up in remote jungles all over the world and they have zero ability to learn about you; how are they supposed to get into Heaven?”

God: “Easy…they’re not! The people who grow up in remote jungles are the one’s who commit unimaginable atrocities while they are on earth, yet stand before me and beg for forgiveness. In an effort to show mercy, I give them a second chance to gain entrance into Heaven.”

Me: “That’s cold, but I guess I understand now. But wait! What about all of the missionaries who risk their lives to teach the native people about the ‘Word of the Lord;’ doesn’t that ruin your plan?”

God: “Yes! Indeed it does. Those missionaries are always sent to Hell. Well, almost…I’m not going to send Tim Tebow to Hell!”

[I laugh]

Me: “Of course not! Everyone on earth knows Tebow is coming up here.”

God: “Yeah, St Peter is getting tired of being the gatekeeper; we’re just waiting for Tebow to come and replace him.”

Me: “Makes sense. I must say, you make it so difficult to get into Heaven. That’s one thing I’ve always wanted to ask…does the devil win most of the souls from earth?”

God: “Basically…it’s about 90-10.”

Me: “90-10? Wow! I knew it was bad, but I didn’t think it was that bad. So all of those people who went to church every Sunday and judged me for being an atheist, yet, lived ungodly lives…HELL?”

God: “Do you even have to ask?”

ME: “I guess I can at least take solace in that. *I nod my head approvingly* Since I’m here, I might as well make a suggestion. I’m going to throw this out there, if you don’t like it, you can throw it right back. The reason I think the devil is killing you, in the soul-gathering game, is your strategy; you need to rework your whole approach. I would say the main thing that you are lacking is a guarantee.”

[Crosses his arms and shakes his head.]

God: “Is that right?”

Me: “Yeah! Let me explain. You see, the devil doesn’t mess around. He comes out straight with it, ‘follow my example and I GUARANTEE you entrance into the kingdom of Hell.’ He doesn’t put any stipulations on it or anything. Straight up, real talk. It’s plain as day. You do evil, and he will accept you. You on the other hand, what’s with all the rules? I mean, someone can live a pious life, but make a few mistakes and not gain entrance into Heaven. People might as well be bad…at least you know what the outcome will be.”

God: “Sounds good to me! You chose the devil’s guarantee, so you know where you’re going.”

ME: “It’s OK; I don’t mind. Heaven seems boring as Hell. Excuse the pun. I’d rather be in Hell anyways, that’s where all the fun people are at! I’m sure it’ll suck at first but, after a while, I’ll adjust to the flames. Eventually, it’ll be on and poppin’.”

God: “I’d be lying if I said this conversation wasn’t amusing, but your time is up. Enjoy the heat! Oh yeah, watch your ass – they separate the men from the women down there!”

Me: “WHAT? That doesn’t seem fair for straight guys! You mean to tell me that I have to spend an eternity with a bunch of sweaty men? How come gay dudes get to be together?”

God: “What can I tell you…the devil’s gay! You should have considered that before you followed him.”

[I slowly begin to descend.]

Me: “Followed him? What are you talking about, followed him? I was an atheist, not a devil worshipper! Hey Big G! Stop this thing…we have to talk!”

God: “Have fun!”

Me: “FUCK!”

God: “Literally!”

[THE END]

Back to reality. That would suck ass! Too bad it’ll never happen!!!

“Thank “god” I’m an atheist” – Salvador Dali

Isn’t it ironic *Alanis Morissette singing in the background*

@PeteTeix617

Virgin Birth

Posted by Peter Teixeira on June 30, 2011

The year is 2018. In February, upon attempting to create a faster space shuttle, NASA scientists discover the secret to time-travel. On April 18, the President of the United States deems the machine “tested and ready” for public viewing.

A team is assembled for the first official mission. Two astronauts are accompanied by three members of the United Stated Special Forces; an Army Ranger, a Navy Seal, and a soldier from the Psy OPS team. To his surprise, talk show host Maury Povich is asked to join and serve as the world’s journalist; he brings along a trusted cameraman. The seven men enter the time machine and wave to family members and television cameras.

The machine works flawlessly and the group disappears after fifteen seconds of spinning. Audiences all over the world wait patiently for the voyagers to return. Three weeks elapse before they reappear inside of the capsule. To the astonishment of the audience, the group is accompanied by a woman, her male toddler, and a man. As expected, everyone is whisked away quickly to an undisclosed location, for debriefing.

On June 23^rd, after days of silence, Maury Povich hosts a televised special. The world will finally hear the information discovered by the group. Who are the people in the capsule? Where do they come from? Why were they chosen?

Maury Povich appears on the stage, seated in a chair, with three empty seats to his left.

Maury: “Welcome everyone. Today I will finally reveal the destination of our secret mission.”

[A loud cheer erupts, and the camera pans-out to a large crowd, seated in front of him.]

Maury: “The President of the United States insisted that Jerusalem, in the year 3ad, be the first official mission.”

[crowd applauds]

Maury: “I’m sure most of you are wondering about the identity of the three people that returned with us. The woman’s name is Mary and the man’s name is Joseph. The child is Jesus.”

[the audience gasps]

Maury: “That’s right. We brought back the ‘Holy Family.’ Apparently, everything that we know about Joseph is incorrect – he never believed Mary’s story about the birth of Jesus. The family agreed to come back with us in order to finally prove that Mary is telling the truth.”

[the audience applauds]

Maury: “Before I bring out my first guest, take a look at what she has to say.”

Mary: [yelling in Aramaic – subtitles appear on the screen] “I’m sick and tired of Joseph questioning my story. He knows that I’ve always been faithful to him and he knows that Jesus is the ‘Son of God,’ not the ‘son of one of our neighbors.’ When the test finally comes back, I want Joseph to kiss my ass.”

[audience applauds and screams] {video ends}

Maury: “Everyone please welcome Mary to the stage.”

[Mary walks out to audience applauding and sits next to Maury]

Maury: “Now let me get this straight. Joseph doesn’t believe your story about the Virgin Birth?”

Mary: [through translator] “Yes Maury. Ever since I became pregnant, he has been impossible. He knows that I would never hurt him. We have been through everything together and I need him to be supportive. He knows that being a virgin is important to me and I don’t know why he doesn’t believe me. I don’t understand why he keeps questioning me. Just because I never slept with him, doesn’t mean that I’ve been sleeping with someone else. Why would I sleep with some random guy? He knows that I was visited by the angel Gabriel.”

Maury: “This is crazy because millions of Christians around the world know about the Virgin Birth, and no one has ever heard anything about Joseph questioning it. It was always believed that he was supportive throughout Jesus’ life.”

Mary: “No Maury. He hasn’t been supportive at all. Every time we go anywhere, he constantly accuses me of sleeping with any guy who says ‘hi’ to me; it’s getting really annoying!”

Maury: “Well, let’s hear what Joseph has to say.”

Joseph: [also yelling in Aramaic] “I’m tired of Mary’s lies. She thinks that I’m an idiot, but I know that she has been sleeping around with men behind my back. As a matter of fact, I already walked in on her making out with some guy on our couch. She says that it was a moment of weakness and nothing else happened, but I DON’T BELIEVE HER! I can’t wait to get the test results so I can finally know the truth. And no Maury, I don’t need to get tested. I never slept with her…she’s a ‘virgin,’ remember.”

Maury: “Everyone, welcome Joseph to the stage.”

[crowd boos while Joseph walks to his seat]

Joseph: [waving arms and yelling to audience – in Aramaic] “You don’t know me. She’s a liar.”

Maury: “Now Joseph, what’s this I hear about you not believing Mary? For over two thousand years, Christians have always believed that you were supportive. When did you start having doubts?”

Joseph: [also through translator] “Well Maury, I started questioning her ever since I came home from work early one day, and found her on our couch making out with one of our neighbors. People always use to tell me that she was a whore, but I always trusted her. That day changed everything. I can’t trust her, Maury.”

Mary: “People make mistakes. It was only one time and I feel bad about it. I don’t know why you don’t believe me.”

Joseph: “Mistake? You’re being ridiculous. I’ve been with you from the beginning and you always tell me that I have to wait until your ready for sex, and to top it all off I have to find out that you are with other guys? I can’t believe you would do this to me.”

Maury: “While we were in Jerusalem, Joseph helped us compile a list of 6 men that he thinks may be the father of three year-old Jesus. We have DNA samples from the men and the results of the test are in. Today we will finally discover if Mary’s account of the Virgin Birth is true. Mary also agreed to take a lie detector test.”

[The audience applauds and an assistant hands Maury a folder]

Maury: “When asked if she loves Joseph, Mary replied ‘yes’ and the lie detector determined that she was…telling the truth.”

[Audience applauds]

Mary: “I told you. I don’t know why you keep questioning me.”

Joseph: “That’s just one question. I want to hear about the cheating.”

Maury: “Other than the one time Joseph knows about, have you ever had any sexual relations with any men? Mary said ‘no’ and the lie detector determined that…that was a lie.”

[crowd oos and aws]

Joseph: “I knew it! She’s a slut Maury.”

Mary: “No, I never did anything with anyone. It was just the one time. I swear.”

Maury: “Mary was asked, have you ever had sex with any man? she replied ‘no’ and the lie detector determined…that’s a lie. She had sex with more than 20 men over 100 times.”

[crowd boos]

Joseph: “WHAT! 20 fucking guys! You fucking-lying-bitch.”

[Mary runs off the stage. After several hysterical minutes, Maury convinces her to return to her seat]

Maury: “Is there anything that you want to say to Joseph?”

Mary: “It’s not true. I never did anything with anyone. I want to take the test again.”

Joseph: “Are you kidding me? All of a sudden the lie detector is lying? C’mon, give me a break!”

Maury: “We can give you the test again, but I don’t think the results will be different. Joseph, I know you’re upset but that’s not the main reason we’re here. We want to know who Jesus’ father is – that’s the important question.”

[an assistant hands Maury another envelope]

Maury: “I have the DNA results.”

Joseph: “Yeah, I can’t wait to finally know the truth.”

Maury: “In the case of 3 year-old baby Jesus, the first guy tested, a man named Lysimachus is…NOT the father.”

[Audience applauds]

Mary: “I told you.”

Joseph: “That’s just one guy. Let’s hear the rest, Maury.”

Maury: “The second man tested, a guy named Mahazioth is…NOT the father.”

Mary: “Do you believe me now?”

Joseph: “Let’s go Maury, we still have 4 more.”

Maury: “Now this next one is strange. These three men are brothers, and they live across the street from the two of you.”

Joseph: “Yes, and it can be any of them. To make it even worst, one of the brothers is named Joseph.”

[audience boos]

Joseph: “You guys don’t know anything.” [yelling in Aramaic]

Mary: “This is so embarrassing. I don’t know why he’s putting me through this. I would never cheat on you, Joe.”

Maury: “We tested three brothers, Barnabus, Zedekiah, and Joseph. In the case of three year-old babyJesus…neither of the three brothers is the father.”

[audience applauds]

Maury: [turns to Joseph] “Well Joseph, do you have anything to say. It’s not looking good for you?”

Joseph: “I don’t know Maury, maybe it was another guy that I don’t know about. Either way, I know she’s a whore.”

Mary: “I can’t believe you are acting like this. What happened to you?”

Maury: “I guess we’ll all know the truth after this.”

[audience applauds wildly]

Maury: “In the case of three year-old baby Jesus…the sixth and final man to be tested, a farmer named Lesu…IS the father.”

[crowd erupts and Mary runs off the stage]

Joseph: “I knew it. ‘God,’ my ass. I knew she was a lying-slut. I can’t believe this bullshit! All this time she was lying. This is messed up, Maury.”

Maury: [Maury grabs Joseph’s hand] “Listen Joseph, I know this is bad news, but you have to think about that child. I have a son in my house and I’m not his birth father but I love him like my own…you can still build that relationship.”

Joseph: “Are you crazy? Ever since we came to the future, all I’ve been hearing about is how Jesus is the ‘Son of God’ and how there are millions and millions of people who are Christians, because of him. And how this is the ‘Second Coming.’ The whole world should be pissed. That lying-slut has a lot to apologize for!”

[He runs backstage]

Joseph: “I can’t believe you did this to me…after all this time of not giving me any sex? Ah man. This is some BULLSHIT!”

Mary: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just didn’t want you to think I was a whore.”

Joseph: “WHAT? Not a whore? Do you realize that your lie created a freaking religion. I’m done with you and the baby! At least I’m not the only fool to believe your bullshit. There are millions of people who are going to want to say a few things to you.”

Mary: [yells out] “I’m Sorry, Joe.”

[Joseph starts to walk away]

Maury: “Joseph, hold on. Before the two of you leave here, I want you to sit with my counselor. This relationship can still be saved.”

Joseph: “No Maury, there’s no ‘saving.’ I’m done with her and her kid.”

[Maury looks into the camera]

Maury: “This is an unbelievable development. What will the Pope have to say about this? I’ll do my best to get the answers. Until next time, America!”

Do not be a following-idiot. He who is blind and follows faithfully, shall be led on a nonsensical journey.

About these ads

Wacky Pete's Wicked & Wonderful Words of Wis-dumb

I'm Peter Teixeira and these are my thoughts!

Tag Archives: Devil

“God” Is Bad, All The Time

A Conversation With Kevin

The Revelation 3D

Alien Debriefing

Why I Like Hitler

The Creation Of The Bible

This Actually Happened – July 16th, 2011

I Go To Hell

A Conversation With God

Virgin Birth

Follow “Wacky Pete's Wicked & Wonderful Words of Wis-dumb”

June 2013
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
« Apr
						1
2	3	4	5	6	7	8
9	10	11	12	13	14	15
16	17	18	19	20	21	22
23	24	25	26	27	28	29
30

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Share this:

Like this:

Follow “Wacky Pete's Wicked & Wonderful Words of Wis-dumb”