I Knew It, from August 17th, 2011!
This evening, I was about to pull into the garage when I noticed a beautiful woman walking down the street. She seemed amazing until I observed the leash in her hand; she was walking her dog. I’d rather not be with a woman who owns a dog.
This post is an explanation of the reasons I consider dogs to be a deal breaker. Actually, dogs aren’t a deal breaker. If I met a great girl who was a dog owner, I’d accept the dog without any problems. I just prefer no dogs.
***I am not Michael Vick and I don’t hate dogs. I simply have no desire to own a dog and I consider them to be animals and not humans. That being said, I completely understand that there are many people who love their pets!***
My preference comes from life experiences. First of all, I’ve never been the type of person who likes touching animals or insects. That being said, I would love to own a tiger! (I had fish while living in Boston, but I never actually had to touch them!)
The second reason I prefer no dogs is the fact that owning a dog is a big responsibility, a fact that most people seem to overlook. I enjoy being free to do whatever I please and a dog can limit what activities the owner can enjoy. You can lock a dog in a cage and leave the house, but that seems cruel. (I understand that the responsibility falls on the female, who owns the dog, but I would end up sharing some of the responsibility and I’d rather not have to take care of a dog!)
The third reason I have a no dog preference is based on the fact that I have never picked up dog feces; a fact that will not change! Relationships are difficult to navigate and I don’t need the added stress that comes from the “I am not picking up your dog’s shit” argument. I can be an asshole and there is no way I am backing down from this position. (I often see people picking up after their dogs and I laugh my ass off every time!)
Watching grown adults picking after their dogs reminds me of a Seinfeld joke. Here is the conversation between George and Jerry.
Jerry: “If aliens come to earth, they will think dogs are running things.”
George: “Why do you say that?”
Jerry: “Because all they’re going to see is a bunch of humans being led on leashes by their dogs and then watching the humans pick up after the dogs!”
This is an excellent point!
The main reason may be a bit silly, but it’s real and I can’t help it. I watched the 2005 movie Sleeping Dogs Lie, and it changed the way I look at dog owners. (The movie came out in 2005 so, I don’t feel bad if I spoil the story for anyone who reads this!) Basically, a woman has a sexual experience with her dog and reveals it to her boyfriend which causes problems in the relationship.
The way I see it, there is a 38 percent chance that women who own dogs experienced some sort of sexual contact with the animal and I am not about following a canine. That would be the sloppiest seconds! (There is no mathematical formula for figuring out the 38 percent; I just figure that is the accurate number!)
The final reason has to do with the fact that I am a germaphobe. Even if I am fortunate enough to meet one of the 62 percent clean dog owners, aka a woman who never lost the fight against the curiosity of bestiality, there are still cleanliness issues.
I don’t want to kiss someone who just kissed a dog, which just licked its own asshole. I don’t consider kissing dogs to be a sexual thing, but it is pretty gross! I also think sex should be a spontaneous thing and I would rather not have to stop in order to allow the woman to wash her hands before we engaged in consensual non-dog-involved sexual activities! I would also prefer not having sex on a dog-hair-covered bed. (Call me crazy!)
I apologize to any dog owners who may find this post to be offensive! (Now stop being pissed and go scoop up some poop!)
One of the more difficult tasks for job seekers is crafting an effective resume. The way I see it, resumes are like posting a profile onto a dating website and hoping that someone decides you are worthy. Days are spent continuously checking e-mail to see if there is someone out there who thinks you are a good match.
I updated my resume and uploaded it to Monster. In the meantime, I searched through hundreds of jobs, online, and saved the good ones. (I’ll soon look through the list and pick out the more desirable companies and apply!)
There is always some doubt about a submitted resume. Did I use the correct format? Did I convey my qualifications thoroughly? You can never be sure until there is some feedback. If you don’t hear from anyone, you can consider the feedback to be negative; make some changes.
There was good news and bad news. One day after posting my resume, I received six positive responses. One manager even called my cell phone. Great; right? Not exactly! I am pleased that my resume is solid, but I couldn’t take any of the positions. Why? Because every single company is located in Massachusetts and I am not willing to commute from Los Angeles. (I am willing to commute from Los Angeles if the company is willing to pay me no less than two hundred and thirty seven thousand dollars a month!)
My current address caused only companies from the Greater Boston area to contact me. I returned to my profile and made the necessary changes. Now, with the quality of my resume no longer a concern, I have new fears. Is my resume too Boston centric? Will companies in Los Angeles shy away from contacting me due to the fact that I will only be able to make phone interviews? I have no idea what will happen, but I’ll keep plugging away.
Applying to jobs is basically a form of begging; please pick me; you won’t regret it! In keeping with the dating analogy, I would have to say that the interview process is like going on a first date. You pick out your most appropriate outfit and you prepare to make a bunch of statements that are meaningless. “I understand you are qualified, but what is your objective?” Don’t you wish you can just say, my objective is to be hired, dumbass! You have a desire to be completely honest, but you can’t because it’s best to wait until a relationship is formed before revealing any of your negative qualities.
At the end of the day, you may say that you want to be with the company forever, but you know that you’d leave in a heartbeat if better employment is available. Every employee will go through the “it’s not you; it’s me,” excuse when leaving a job. The employer will wish you luck at your new place of employment, but we all know they are hurt. (Are you happy in your job relationship?)
I have no idea what will happen in the next month or so, but I am excited. Although there are many questions, I keep my faith in the great Tim Tebow; through him, anything is possible!
Today’s post was actually written about a decade ago. I originally had AOL in the late 90’s. There were many great e-mails which I lost after deactivating my account in 2002. It didn’t make any sense to continue with AOL when yahoo and other sites offered free e-mail. In 2005, AOL decided to reactivate everyone’s account for free. Great news, except for the fact that all of my previous e-mails where lost forever. Thankfully, I printed out this e-mail and I recently found the copy. (Enjoy!)
CAPTAIN’S LOG: ENTRY 3452764
It was early April a.k.a. the greatest month. I was walking through the cafeteria just coming back from a dreadful math class. As I reached the end of the caf I saw a friend of mine sitting at the last table. I went over to say what up. He returned the what up with a what up of his own and we gave each other dap. He said to me, “yo I was looking for you” I replied, “why” he said “this girl wanted me to ask you if you would go to a formal with her.” I replied, “who” and he said, “she lives on the first floor in the dorm and her name is NO NAMES.” I said “who.” And he said “don’t you know her,” and I replied “no.” Then he said the dreadful words, “don’t worry she is not ugly.”
[I’m sorry I have to take a break in the story to say “I wonder if any of the Portland Trailblazers ask Rasheed Wallace if they can use his shampoo, knowing that he has ringworms in his head and he doesn’t wash his hair.” The reason I was wondering this is because I am watching the Blazers Sun’s game and it just popped into my head.]
I automatically thought to myself “sure she isn’t ugly, and the crew doesn’t have a snitch.” I expressed to him that when a person says, “she isn’t ugly” the girl is usually very ugly. He convinced me (but I was still a little shook) that she wasn’t ugly.
***I met her and she was the best looking thing I have ever seen.***
Now back from dream world. I told him to introduce us, hoping that he wasn’t lying and that she might be good looking. I am kicking myself for not just saying no. (ouch, ouch, awe shit, ouch, fuck, damn, motherfucker. I can really kick hard) I then leave the caf and go to my room. Later on that day I meet with Q and he is trying to tell me that I know the girl but I don’t know who he is talking about. Q is not going rip a chick because he is religious so he didn’t say she was broke.
[I know that the foreshadowing is leading you to believe that this girl is going to be butt ugly but don’t be too quick to assume.]
I am in Q’s room and we are playing homerun derby along with this other kid and we are talking mad shit, and it was mad fun and it was my first time playing on Playstation, because usually I play on Saturn, but nevertheless I am kicking ass. (and we all know I can kick) A knock comes to the door, and it is Mike, the kid from the caf. He tells me to come to his room because the girl is on the phone. I talk to her and she says, “describe yourself because I don’t know who you are.” I was thinking to myself, “does this girl think I am stupid or something, she asks me to do this thing and then tries to front like she doesn’t know who I am.” So I just say that we will meet in Mike’s room the following day.
The next day I am in my room watching TV when someone knocks on my door. It is Mike, he says that she is in his room and that I should go up and meet her. I get to the room and there are like five girls in there. I see a girl that could be the girl Q was trying to describe to me and I am hoping to myself that I am dead wrong. Then as I look around the room I am hoping that Mike led me to the wrong room and that this girl is banging and not one of these girls.
Then it happened, Mike walked over to this girl that Q was describing and said “this is NO NAMES.” I had two reactions. The first reaction was the surface reaction. I walked over said hi and al eyes and ears were focused on me as she asked me to go to this thing. I remembered that on the phone she said, “we can just go together because it is cheaper for couples, and it is better that just going and paying for one person when we can save money by paying together.”
I would never have gone but Q was going and mad bitches were going to be single so I could still have fun, so I said, “sure we can go together.” The second reaction was internally. I was thinking to myself, “why the hell did I take a chance and think this dude was telling the truth when he said she wasn’t ugly.” I also was thinking, “fuck shit bitch motherfucker what the fuck bastard fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” I wanted to kick myself in the head, kick Mike in the head, and kick her in the head.
I couldn’t believe I was saying I would go. I hate these things and now I am going to one with an out-of-state member of the four-horsemen. (For those who are not familiar with the four-horsemen, they are butt ugly chicks that graced the hallways of Boston Latin School, and ruined my appetite every day.) I realized that it wouldn’t be that bad. There would be a lot of people there and I wouldn’t really have to be around this chick. I thought it was a party type thing, where you go in and then just everyone starts dancing. I left this room with mixed feelings.
On the one hand I had to go to this thing with a farm animal, but on the other hand it could be fun because our school parties usually are. I don’t see this chick and don’t want to see her for the rest of the time. It is now Tuesday, and this thing is on Friday. We were in the caf talking about this thing and another girl was telling me about this event. She said “what are you wearing,” my reply was “Tims and jeans.” Then I told her I was just wearing khakis and a Polo shirt, and a tie with some shoes. She asked me why I wasn’t wearing a suit, and I said “cause I think I am dressing up enough, and that my suits were in Boston anyway.” She said that I should wear a suit and that everyone will have a suit on. She said that she talked to the thing I was going with and that she is wearing a prom dress. I was like what the fuck. Then I hear that there are pictures involved, that we are going to sit down to dinner, and all this other shit. I was like damn, I thought it was a fucking party. Then I call this girl up and tell her that my suit was in Boston and that, I was just wearing casual gear, hoping that she would say “I think you shouldn’t go because it is supposed to be formal wear.” Of course my luck sucks so she says “that’s ok.” And I was thinking, “Urrgh, fuck.”
So my friend wanted to go so I told him to go with her instead of me because I don’t have a suit. He said “na I think you should go with her because she asked you and that would be kind of dirty.” I translated his comment as “hell no.” I told the girl that was there, I was going to call NO NAMES and say, “sorry but I don’t want to go anymore, because I didn’t know it was going to be all this bullshit.” She said for me not to do that because it would be dirty so I should go.
The morning of this event I was sleeping when a knock comes to my door, and it is Mike. He asks for my number so he can give it to her. She calls and asks me where should we meet, hoping I would say “I will come to your room and pick you up.” So of course I replied “We can just meet in the lobby.” I am trying to make this a definite no date atmosphere. I get off the phone and try to fall back to sleep when, the phone rings again. This time it is her friend.
She tries to front like she is calling to find out where everyone is meeting. She is another out-of-state member of the four-horsemen. She’s going with Mike. [Mike doesn’t want to go with her but she said that he is her friend and that she knows he will take her because it’s her birthday.] She first asks me if I talked to Mike about where we are going to meet, then when I say “no, I am meeting NO NAMES in the lobby,” she says, “you are meeting in the lobby, why don’t you come to her room and meet there.” I say “sure why not,” then she says “I will see NO NAMES later and tell her you will meet her in her room instead of the lobby.” I was like “does this girl think I am stupid or something,” like I didn’t know she was in NO NAMES’s room and that they were trying to make this a date.
I go to her room when it was time to leave and she isn’t ready. So I am in the lounge waiting for her to come out. I am fucking watching the Yankees game in a suit, and people are walking by asking why the hell am I dressed up to watch a Yankees game. She finally comes and she is with this friend. Now I wasn’t worried because Mike was at the table and we would just chill, but Mike is nowhere in sight. We get to the door and we meet two more of her friends. We sit at the table and there is no Mike. I am sitting at this table on this Friday night with four out-of-state members of the four-horsemen. Thinking to myself, “self how the hell did this happen to you.”
A few minutes go by and two more horsemen show up. Now the count is six. I am fucking vexed, I can’t believe Mike isn’t here. It turns out that it wasn’t a real formal. It was some award banquet for black seniors. So not only did I have to sit at this table with these horsemen and eat dinner without throwing up but I had to sit through an award ceremony. The thing was run by hood people, so it didn’t start at 7:30, it started at 9:00. Come to find out that Mike is sitting with some people on the other side of the room. I wanted to kill that dude.
***WE INTERUPT THIS CAPTAIN’S LOG TO BRING YOU THE FEEL SORRY PORTION OF THE PROGRAM*** I feel sorry for myself for being put through this hell. And I will not get over it. I feel sorry for slobber because he couldn’t get it up in Cancun, but realizing that this incident will bring so many new jokes to my mind I got over it. ***NOW BACK TO YOUR CAPTAIN’S LOG***
So I am sitting there hoping the uni-bomber will have a surprise for us, but no such luck. Yo they were sitting there talking and they were all trying to get me to make this a date, but I wasn’t having it. I was bored and I was showing it. Everything she asked I would give a one word answer so there would not be any conversation. Finally hell is over and I am chilling with Q and the same kid we were playing homerun derby with. The kid says “how long are you staying” and I said “I’m ‘bout to be out.” They didn’t believe me. The music starts and the girl comes over to me and asks me to dance. It was reggae so I got my thinking on.
All these dudes were freaking these chicks and when we got on the floor I was just dancing next to her instead of all up on her. Basically if you saw us you would have thought that we were just two people dancing next to each other. There was no way I was freaking her. NO WAY. She figured out that I wasn’t going to make any effort to dance with her so she said “if you don’t want to dance you can go back to your friends,” hoping I would say “no I want to dance.” Guess what my reply was??? I said “I’m about to leave, I’m going to my room, bye.”
Then I went to Q, we chilled for a second, then I gave him dap and bounced. I was so vexed because earlier mad heads were talking about going to the gym and I wanted to go but I had to go to this bullshit. The thing ended at 4:00am and I left at 10:45 just in time to catch the 11:00 Seinfeld episode. That was the best part of this formal.
Thank God my night was saved when my roommates for next year came by and tried to lean a trash can against my door then knocking on it hoping that when I opened it all the trash would spill into my room. But it didn’t work because I had a feeling they were up to something and opened the door mad slow and stopped the trash from falling. Then we dirtied the hell out of the hall with chips, then we went around to all the rooms looking for people who were drunk and we were messing with them until like six in the morning. All this helped me forget the formal. I will never believe another person when they say “she isn’t ugly.” I hope that you can learn from my mistake!!! <THE END>
This story may cause people to think that I am an asshole; I would never dispute that claim! I honestly feel that I was suckered into participating in this tale, but I can only blame myself. I hope the story was entertaining.