The Creation Of The Bible

My first night in the Fun Place was spent with my new BFF, Rodrigo, and his second in command, Cristoforo. (I just want to reiterate. This story is completely hypothetical, heaven and hell are mythical places created by man. Plus, I would never trade in my true BFF, J-Nice!!! A person who probably shouldn’t be reading this but if you are, Thanks for the support.) We grew to be quite close and, after a wild night, I didn’t make it back to my room until early the next morning. Just kidding!

5 Important Fun Place Details:

A – Time, day, or, night does not exist in the Fun Place.

B – Fatigue does exist. Otherwise, people would just go crazy and there would be chaos.

C – Everyone has his or her own living space, for re-energizing and coitus if you will.

D – There are no hangovers. The Blue Label does not alter the mind state, it’s just an enjoyable drink. There is no need to get drunk in the Fun Place; everyone has a great personality. Those with no personality spend an eternity in the Good Place.

E – No one is ever offended. Those who are easily offended spend an eternity in the Good Place.

I leave the VIP Lounge and follow Rodrigo to my quarters. It is fairly basic. There is a king size bed, set to each person’s specific sleep number. Mine is forty-four; I had no idea. (Can’t wait for the new single to come out. ‘I Wanna Know Your Sleep Number.’ You know it’s coming any day now!) {***Question for the ladies: Would you sleep with a guy who used the pick-up line, “Hey baby, why don’t we go back to my place so I can find your sleep number?”***}Other than the bed, there is a suede love seat and a three-seater leather sofa. I have hardwood floors, a beautiful cherry oak. Rodrigo notified me about an option for people who prefer carpet. The walls are platinum and covered with blood diamonds, Bling Bling! (I was literally laughing out loud while I wrote that!)

I take a quick tour of the surrounding areas, which lasts seven hours. (Were you even paying attention to the details? Time doesn’t exist in the Fun Place. I have no idea how long the tour lasted.) We then meet up with some of Rodrigo’s friends and I quickly gained the trust of my new family, the FPB. (Yeah that’s right, it stands for the Fun Place Boys!) Why they decided to shape their organization into a gang-like clique? Who knows!

It turns out, G and Lu keep secrets from the inhabitants of the Fun Place, and the goal of the FPB members is to seek out the truth. Rodrigo witnessed the camaraderie between me and the twins and decided I would be a great addition to the FPB. The guys gathered at the headquarters, which is located inside of area 1492. (If you were wondering about the method of transportation, we teleport!) Like any other “family,” I had to be initiated.

Me: “Hey Cris, why is the FPB headquarters located in area 1492?”

Cristoforo: “Three reasons. First, it’s far enough from the VIP Lounge, the twins would never travel out this far. The second reason, is because Rodrigo was elected to lead the Roman Catholic Church in the year 1492. Finaly, I discovered the New World in 1492.” (Yes, Cristoforo Colombo. The Italian name for Christopher Columbus! You didn’t think he would call himself Christopher, did you? For Pete’s sake, he’s Italian!)

[The Initiation Process]

Rodrigo: “Let the initiation commence!”

A couple of the guys, Socrates and Renée Descartes, force me to my knees. George W. Bush stands before me with a blindfold in his hands.

Me: [I Wrestle myself free and interrupt the proceedings.] “I don’t know if I want to be a part of the FPB if W is a member.”

Rodrigo: “He’s not a member; his dad promised him he could come today. I tried to stop him, but Big Bush helped us gather the alien info so we owe him one.”

Me: [I breathe a sigh of relief.] “Ok, that makes sense. But can’t we get someone else to put on the blindfold? He’ll probably do it wrong!”

[Laughter fills the room. The joke goes over W’s head.]

Rodrigo: “Go ahead W.”

The blindfold is placed over my eyes. I can clearly see through the bottom. Rodrigo shakes his head and straightens-out the blindfold.

Rodrigo: “Good job W. [He roles his eyes.] Now for the initiation. Will Ricky Martin please step forward.” [I hear footsteps.]

Ricky: “Present!”

Rodrigo: “To become a member, you will have to perform fellatio on Mr. Martin.”

Me: “Un Menudo Por favor! I didn’t quite get that; come again.”

Rodrigo: “You heard me.”

Me: “When did Ricky Martin die? And I knew he was gay but when did he come out of the closet? More importantly, how is he a member of the FPB?”

Ricky: “I don’t want to talk about how I died. And as far as your other question, I don’t think that’s anyone’s business. That’s a personal issue.”

Me: “Hey whatever. All I know is I’m not going through with this initiation. I don’t need to be in the FPB.”

Rodrigo: “We’re just fucking with you! There’s is no initiation; this is the Fun Place, not earth!”

[I remove the blindfold.]

Ricky: “Wait, I thought they said this would be fun?”

Rodrigo: “Ricky, you can leave now.”

Ricky: “This is bullshit.” [Inaudible singing trails-off.]

Rodrigo: “Sorry about that. He’s definitely not a member.”

Me: “You guys are sick in the head.”

Rodrigo: “Let the girls in!” [We party until exhaustion.]

[I hear a loud knocking, while re-energizing.]

Me: “Yeah! Who is it?”

Rodrigo: “It’s me, Rodrigo. You ready?”

Me: “Yeah, come in.”

Rodrigo: “What happened with the twins?”

Me: “I haven’t met with Lu and G yet.”

Rodrigo: “Not those twins! *Shakes his head* The TWINS!”

Me: “Ah man, that was crazy! By the way, they aren’t twins; they’re just sisters. They were actually peeved that you kept calling them twins.”

Rodrigo: “Oh really! Who gives a shit! What happened with them?”

Me: “It was amazing, I never did that before!”

Rodrigo: “You never banged sisters while on earth?”

Me: “I didn’t bang them! I purposely put my self in the friend-zone. I’m never gonna bang them.”

Rodrigo: [laughs] “They’re gonna be pissed. Those two want to bang everyone. Did you read the story about them in the book of Ezekiel; chapter 23?” (This is the second time I have recommended this story; go read it!)

Me: “Yeah I know, that’s what makes it so funny!”

Rodrigo: “Damn! Now I’m pissed, I wish I thought of that. They weren’t even that good!” [I laugh.] “Well, the guys are all in agreement that you are a great fit. When you meet with the big guys, remember to try and get some info from them.”

Me: “Am I allowed to just go whenever I want, or do I have to clear it with you first?”

Rodrigo: “Usually, I’ll have to be contacted first, but Lu said you can go to the VIP Lounge whenever you’re ready; they’re waiting for you.”

[We transport over to the VIP Lounge.]

Me: “Alright, I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

Rodrigo: “OK! Don’t forget what we discussed!”

Me: “I’ll try, but I’m not going to try and push the issue so soon.”

Rodrigo: “No problem; we have an eternity!”

Me: “Oh yeah, before I forget, what was up with Ricky Martin? Doesn’t he understand that no one cares if he’s gay? “

Rodrigo: “I have no idea. He is the only person down here who is in the closet; it’s ridiculous.” [We laugh.]

[Rodrigo departs and I enter the room.]

Devil: “So, do you like the place so far?”

Me: “It’s great! I’m really going to enjoy it here!”

God: “Are you sure? Because, we can send you to the Good Place if you want.”

Me: “I’ll let you know if I change my mind. Speaking of the Good Place, ever since you mentioned the creation of the bible, I’ve been eager to hear the true story.”

Devil: “I love this story. He can never tell it without getting angry!”

God: “I don’t know what he’s talking about; why would I get angry?”

Devil: “Trust me kid, he’ll get pissed and thunderbolts will start shooting out of him.”

God: “Thunderbolts? I’m not Zeus, you jackass!”

[We all laugh.]

God: “In the beginning, when man created the bible, the pages were as empty as a formless wasteland. A story needed to be created; the story which would explain all things. Then man placed ink to papyrus, and the words were good. At the time when man created the stories of the bible—while as yet there were no words on the pages…”

Me: “Hold on!” *Shaking my finger* “Did you just begin the story of the bible’s creation twice? And, if I’m not mistaking, you just basically plagiarized from the two creation stories in Genesis.”

God: “Why? Is that crazy? Don’t tell me my story won’t be believable if I begin it twice, with completely different details.”

Devil: [laughing] “I still can’t believe people believe in that book. Every now and then, G will get pissed and go to earth to shake things up.”

Me: “What? You go to earth and people can see you?”

[God shakes his head disappointingly.]

Devil: “No, I mean he shakes things up literally. Where do you think earthquakes come from?”

Me: “That’s crazy! I always thought it had to do with plate tectonics.”

Devil: “Nope…all him!”

Me: “So, why Haiti? They practice voodoo over there.”

Devil: “Yeah, but the official religion is Christianity.”

God: [Notices the amazed look on my face.] “He’s just messing with you, we don’t kill people.” [Becomes agitated.] “I fucking hate the bible!”

Devil: [Laughing.] “See! What did I tell you? He gets pissed every time.”

God: “I’m not pissed.”

[I laugh…Devil laughs…God shakes head.]

God: “Are you guys done?”

Me: [Still laughing.] “Please continue!”

God: “Ok! Well, the first thing you can do, is forget about all that writing nonsense. The bible was not written down originally. The stories were passed on orally until they were finally scribed in the year 1379.”

Devil: “B.C.E. It was the year 1379 before the Common Era. Not b.c. there is no Christ!”

Me: “Relax! I already know that.”

God: “Yeah, relax! Who’s getting pissed now?”

Devil: “Not pissed…just a pet peeve. I hate when people use b.c. instead of B.C.E. That’s all.” (This is not a pet peeve of mine. There aren’t too many things that peeve my pet!)

God: “The stories were not all created at the same time; most were added throughout the years. But the first books were created in the same year. The Bible originated in the land between the Tigris and the Euphrates in the year 3526. Oh yeah, B.C.E. This was the location of the world’s largest kingdom, at the time. Life was pretty simple, until the prince’s eighteenth birthday. King Tu Talesi, who everyone called Tut, could no longer sleep at night. His eldest son was a curious child, and the boy began to ask King Tut difficult questions. ‘George, why do you trouble me with such complex inquiries?’ The king would often ask. The problem was compounded when Curious George spoke to his friends, and they proceeded to ask their parents the same questions.”

Devil: “I wanted to help the people, but G thought it would be best for us to allow them to discover the universe’s secrets through the use of reason. That was one of his dumbest ideas!”

[I laugh.]

God: “You agreed dumbass! The king struggled for two months until he finally arrived at a solution. He summonsed all of the fathers in his kingdom to his castle, and asked each man to create stories. Each tale would explain one aspect of human existence which they were incapable of understanding. The King met with the men individually and assigned a specific story based on the man’s level of intelligence.”

Devil: “You’ve read the bible…there wasn’t a MENSA member within a thousand miles of that castle!”

[We all laugh.]

God: “The men returned to the castle after a month, and the King reviewed the myths. He was pleased with the results. His majesty’s subjects would gather at the castle each Sunday and the stories would be read to the children. A problem occurred on the first day. The creation story was read, then the Second father stood in front of the massive congregation and proceeded to read his own, completely different, version of the same creation story.”

Devil: “The king turned to his aid and said, ‘Oh shit, I assigned the story of creation to two different people.’ And the aid replied, ‘Who cares, they’re kids, they are too dumb to notice. I must say, this is a great idea; how come you didn’t ask me to create a story? Remember that joke I made up about the guy who walked on water?’ The king paused for a second then replied, ‘who would believe that nonsense?’ I shit you not!”

Me: “Damn, even king Tut wouldn’t have believed some of the Jesus tales; that says a lot. You mean to tell me that Curious George sat there and accepted two different versions of the same creation story?”

Devil: “Yeah! Turns out George was curious, with a hint of imbecile!”

Me: “Unbelievable!”

Devil: “Tell me about it. We actually had to sit here and watch these geniuses. I mean it was rough; up until the Mesopotamians showed up, I wanted to kill myself.”

God: “The stories continued and the children ate them up. It was just annoying at first, but then we noticed the strangest thing occurring. As the years went by, the adults began to believe their own myths.”

Me: “That must have been a fun time for the two of you!”

Devil: “Yeah, it was the age of en-dark-enment!”

Me: [Laughing hysterically.] “Nice! Can I see a video or something? I would love to watch the transformation from myth to reality.”

Devil: “No! that’s not happening. And if you haven’t guessed—those people are all in the Good Place!”

God: “In fact, their in the Extra Good VIP!”

Me: “What happens there?”

God: “They get to create the hymns!”

Me: “That explains so much!”

Devil: “I’ll take over the story from here. This is usually when he blows a gasket.”

God: “I’m fine.”

Me: “Wait! Before you go on, what about Jonah and the Whale? Was that  included in the first stories?”

God: “What do you think?” *Shakes his head*

Devil: “I’ll talk about this story because you asked, but we really don’t like getting into details when discussing this matter. That story was actually created by a guy who was pissed at king Tut. The man wanted to marry the love of his life, but she was taken by the king as a concubine. In retaliation, the man decided to create a story that would not be believable. His goal was to expose the king’s lies, to the children. I couldn’t believe it, he was actually more shocked then we were. Once he was done, Curious George stood up and gave him a rousing applause.”

God: [Kicks the fountain.] “Jonah and the whale; I’m still stunned!”

Me: “I don’t even know what to say.”

Devil: “How do you think we felt. I was in a state of shock for a century.”

Me: “So G, you get pissed because the people are dumb?”

God: “No, it’s not that; I got over the fact that people are dumb a long time ago. What pisses me off are the stories they tell. It’s bullshit! I never killed anyone, and every single story is about me being angry and jealous; I wouldn’t do that shit, who do they think I am, one of the members of the inquisition? Humans are too dumb to figure shit out for themselves and, instead of saying they don’t know, they create stories that shit on my good name. Wouldn’t you be pissed? These motherfuckers believe all this make-believe bullshit about the horrible things I did, and then have the nerve to use their own crap to torture and kill each other.” (I would get into more details about the atrocities of the Church, but I deal with a lot of them in my novel, so you’ll either have to investigate for yourselves, or wait for the book!)

[I am worried and turn to the Devil]

Devil: [He can see the concern on my face.] “I think that’s enough for you today; I’ll finish up.”

[God does his best to calm down, but he is obviously furious.]

Me: [I stand up and pet God on the head.] “Pretty God, prrrreeeettttty god!” *Blind Billy from Dumb and Dumber’s voice*

[God shoves me back onto the couch.]

Me: “Sensitive!”

Devil: “The people continued to pass on the stories, until they were eventually written down. Over the years, more and more stories were added. In the year 61CE, there was a man named Michael who spoke out against the bible. He claimed the stories were myths. In an effort to prove that people will believe anything, Michael created the stories of a mythical superhero named Jesus. He chose the name Joseph for the step-dad, because that was the name of a kid he detested.”

Me: “What? I thought the stories were written by a bunch of different people? Michael must have hated that kid; using his name for the biggest sucker in the history of mankind!”

Devil: “Yeah! He couldn’t stand the kid. Michael was a great writer, he created the New Testament all by himself.”

God: “Can you believe his stories became the foundations for Christianity? I mean, the guy was drunk while he wrote!” [Stands up.] “I can’t do this, I have to go calm down.”

[God departs.]

Devil: “He can never make it to the end.”

Me: “I don’t blame him. How are you able to keep your cool?”

Devil: “Sometimes you just have to laugh or else you’ll go crazy!” [Shakes head]

Me: “So that that’s the story of how the bible was created?”

Devil: “Almost done. You can’t forget the Emperor Constantine. He converted so he could bang this hot Christian girl from the eastern part of the empire. She chose her favorite stories and he forced all of the Christian leaders to accept them as the new Canon.”

Me: “All for a chick?”

Devil: “You wouldn’t believe how many historical events happened just because someone wanted to bang a chick.”

Me: “This is too much. I can’t take anymore. It’s going to take me a while to wrap my head around all this information.”

Devil: “Yeah, so far everyone who hears the story about the origin of the bible has to go to his or her room to re-energize.”

Me: “I’m outta here. Maybe next time, you can tell me about the aliens!”

Devil: “What? We already told you…there are no aliens.”

Me: “Oh yeah, I forgot!”

[I depart and head towards area 1492.]

Rodrigo: “Did you bring it up?”

Me: “Yeah, I did at the end but he denied it.”

Rodrigo: “I think you need to spend more time in the VIP Lounge before they will trust you.”

Me: “No, it wasn’t that. I was just too exhausted. I’ll get the answers soon; the twins trust me.”

Rodrigo: “Ok! Good job. You should go re-energize, then we can go over some more of the information about the aliens.”

Me: “Ok. I’ll talk to you later.” [I head back to my quarters.]

[Until Next Time!!!]

@PeteTeix617

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