The Yankees Are Entertaining

Yes, I’m a Red Sox fan and the Yankees definitely stunk up the joint during the American League Championship Series and got swept by the Detroit Tigers, but that is not why I found game four to be entertaining.

This post is a glimpse into the inner workings of my mind. (This is a typical hourly occurrence, so one can imagine how it’s impossible for me to be in a sour mood for any long stretch of time!)

I arrived home from work and turned on the Yankees game. The score was 1 – 0 in the Tiger’s favor, which pleased me. The Mark Teixeira (No relation!) committed two errors in the 3rd inning, leading to a run.

The camera shifted to the Yankees dugout and the two players in the frame were Ichiro Suzuki and Eduardo Nunez. I have to admit that I haven’t watched much baseball this season. I honestly think I only saw 10 innings during the regular season, but the playoffs are a different story and I’ve been watching a good amount of the action.

I don’t know much about Nunez, other than the fact that he hit an insignificant homerun in one of the earlier games. Ichiro, on the other hand, is one of the greatest hitters of all-time. In fact, he holds the record for most hits in a single season (262).

Other than being a great hitter, I don’t know anything about Ichiro as an individual. I have no idea what kind of personality the guy has, but I’d imagine arrogance has to play at least a minor role in his makeup.

Watching Nunez speaking with Ichiro, my mind immediately went to work.



     Here is what my mind created as basically every single conversation between Ichiro, the great hitter, and any of his Yankees teammates who approach him in search of some hitting tips.

The pitcher for the Detroit Tigers was Max Scherzer. (Keep in mind; I’m not certain if Ichiro is arrogant! Also, it’s important to know that I have no idea whether or not Nunez, a native of the Dominican Republic, speaks with a strong accent!)

E. Nunez:Ey Ichiro, I notiss tha ju walk ju lass tine up. Iz tha peecher teepin ju off when he throws hees slider and hees fassballs? I gotta know becuz suntines, I needin all the help I can get, bro!

Ichiro: “No Speeka Ingrish!”

E. Nunez:Coño! Where iz tha freakin tranzlator?” (I know interpreter is a better word, but my mind doesn’t think Eduardo Nunez knows the word interpreter!)

I had to turn the game off for a few minutes, until I cleared my head of Ichiro’s response. I don’t mind when my mind creates such nonsense, unless I’m in public and I can’t contain my laughter; people must think I’m insane!

***It was great to watch the Detroit Tigers Sweep the Yankees and their great douche, Alex Rodriguez!***


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Copy Cats

There is something that is near and dear to my heart, which is being taken away from my generation. We are being stripped of the opportunity to create. Somehow, it became cool to remake rather than create. Now, the executives who make all of the big decisions will only approve projects which are completely unoriginal.

Being an artist, of any kind, meant that an individual used various forms of inspiration to reach down deep within himself or herself to produce something completely new and amazing. Now, the criteria for being considered great has changed. Artists are only allowed to produce a copy of what has been done before. This is a fact that brings tears to my eyes. (Not literally; at least not yet!)

I think the powers that be are afraid to take chances so they just keep following the same formula. There are some minor opportunities to unleash our creativity, but for the most part, there are set parameters which are unbreakable.

It began with the music industry. Artists are forced to produce new beats which come from reworking previously successful songs. I believe the term is called sampling. I believe in my generation and I think my contemporaries are talented individuals who can create original pieces. It’s time to stop the sampling nonsense. Free our artists!

There is also a trend to remake past songs. I can’t describe how much it bothers me to hear a great song, and then have some dinosaur tell me the name of the original song. (Yes, if you are an ass who thinks you have some sort of talent because you know the name of the original song, go stick your tongue in a homeless woman’s vagina!) ***Sorry for the graphic image, but I’m literally laughing out loud!*** <Those people are so annoying! At the end of the day, who gives a shit?>

Recently, at a stand-up comedy show, the host decided to have the band play songs so the audience could win free tickets by naming the title and artist. Most of the songs were not from my days of watching video soul with my man Donny Simpson, but there was one song that I immediately recognized. In fact, the song is one of my favorites of all-time. (When I heard this song, I knew I would move to Los Angeles, one day!) I was proud to finally get one beat correct, when the worst thing happened. A contemporary of mine yelled out, “that’s today was a good day by Ice Cube.” I shook my head in agreement, but the host mocked my new friend. Apparently, we were wrong. Ice Cube’s version is a remake of the original, which is titled I-DON’T-GIVE-A-SHIT!

Cube’s version, all day, every day!

Seriously! Please stop the remakes and sampling!

The music industry’s problem sucks, but I am more concerned with the film industry. It seems like every new movie, is either based on a cartoon from the 80’s or a remake of an old film. What the heck is that about? There are too many creative minds in this world to force these same stories on the public.

Even the movies that are original are required to follow the same structure. I’m tired of watching films and figuring out the entire story. Thankfully, there are a few exceptions, but they are few and far between. The shackles must be removed. It is time to emancipate the screenwriters. (I hope no one is offended by the comparison!)

***If you are offended, please send your complaints to the blog’s CEO.***

(She can be reached at 617-382-5968) <If this is anyone’s real number, I apologize!>

Use your phones to figure out what the last seven numbers mean!

My hope is to attain enough clout so I can be in a position to create free of the industry formula. (Honestly, there is a real formula which must be followed!)

I would like to give a big shout out to the writers of the movie Arlington Road for going against the grain and creating a realistic ending. Speaking of realistic, why the hell does every movie have to be over the top? I can barely watch action movies. It seems like the creators are lazy and instead of creating an amazing story, they make characters who have super human abilities. If someone jumps out of a third story window, onto a moving car, they will most likely die a horrible death. The hero will not survive the fall by rolling! (Please stop the ridiculousness and take the time to create something that is clever and realistic!)

Movies are becoming more difficult to watch. We need to hold ourselves to a higher standard, or else, we will be known as the Dark Age of Creation!


A Thousand Words

Everyone is familiar with the notion that a picture is worth a thousand words. In our kitchen, we discovered something else; a blank canvas is worth a thousand words.

A year and a half ago, two of my cousins moved into the apartment with me. When it comes to interior decorating, we definitely lack the “queer-eye!” Give me a bed and a reasonably comfortable seat and I’m good to go! My idea of a classy place is a bunch of Red Sox posters hanging on the wall. I’m not a big fan of those life-size Skin-It posters, but I’d put up a large one of Tebow; just to piss everyone else off! (I can’t wait to see how we decorate the apartment in LA!)

Left with bare walls, we decided to hang up an empty canvas. It was a silly idea which actually blossomed into a great art piece. I can’t remember who came up with the idea, so no one will get credit, but the empty canvas took on a life if its own. (It’s the centerpiece to our apartment!)

We often tell newcomers that the empty canvas is actually a painting of Boston during the Blizzard of 1978! If you look closely, you can actually make out the Prudential Building and the John Hancock Tower! (You really have to want to see it!)

Being able to create such nonsense is one of the advantages of living with a couple of guys who could care less about interior decorating! Being able to turn the kitchen table into an official beer pong arena is probably the best advantage!

I’ll miss the painting of the Blizzard, but I’m sure we’ll come up with some great idea while living on the West Side. Our silliness creativity knows no bounds!

Remember, the question is not, “why do you guys have brown walls,” but, ”Why don’t you have brown walls!

**The idea of calling a blank canvas “The Blizzard of ’78” has been copyrighted!**


Drawer; Not Artist

I am always amazed by people who have a natural ability to draw anything from memory. I guess it’s because I do not have the talent. Although I may not possess the ability to create works of art, I forced myself to at least learn how to draw. I am the first to admit that I’m no artist, but I’m decent! (I guess you can call me a drawer!)

***Most of these were created in high school!***

The Original Copies are for sale!

Here are some of my attempts at drawing:

Exhibit A:     The first picture is the Boston Red Sox Logo. I purchase a baseball cap with the Chinese Character, which I assume to be the letter “B,” but I am not familiar with the Chinese language, so it probably means Jackass or something derogatory!

Exhibit B:     This is a photo of the Super Man logo.

Exhibit C:          I adapted the Super Man logo into the first idea for my Pete Teix logo, which evolved into my own creation!

Exhibit D:          Here is another “drawer” rendering of the Pete Teix logo.

Exhibit E:          I’m sure everyone remembers Mr. Joe Camel. In my version, he is a little older and has clearly put on some weight.

Exhibit F:          This is an attempt to recreate the Celtics Logo. I have no idea what is going on with his eye!

Exhibit G:          Some of you may remember this character. I am not sure what his name is, but he was a creation of the Adidas Company. (I honestly don’t remember if this is an accurate depiction!)

Exhibit H:          I drew the Cleveland Indians logo because it was in a magazine and I can only draw by looking at a picture. I do not have the talent to draw from memory. In case anyone is wondering, the Indians Suck!!!

Exhibit I:          This picture of Willy Wonka is from a box of his wonderful candy. I have no idea which candy, but I’m sure it was delicious!

Exhibit J:          In the 90’s, I hated the Wu Tang Clan. My favorite artist was Keith Murray. This piece is called, “Keith Murray putting down the Wu!”

Exhibit K:          In 1998, I discovered the most wonderful music ever created; Cash Money Records. I spent many days arguing that C.M.R. was better than the Wu, and I was often laughed at. Who’s laughing now?

Exhibit L:          I like some of the No Limit songs, but I prefer their cross town rivals. Cash Money is the real army, better yet the Navy! (What a great song!)

Exhibit M:          This is the Seton Hall logo; I did not create this while in high school. In my version, the pirate is a little bit chubbier than the actual logo!

Exhibit N:          This is a random ship that was in a magazine ad. I think I did a pretty good job on this one!

Exhibit O:          My Elroy is a tad bit over weight, but he seems to be jollier!

Exhibit P:          This is Sonic and I think I nailed it!

Exhibit Q:          Yosemite Sam came out great, as well!

Exhibit R:          This is the pecking order of Florida’s big three programs. The Gators are clearly above Florida State, and I have no idea what happened to the little U!

Exhibit S:          This logo belongs to the rap artist Yukmouth. I am not familiar with his work, but I like his logo! I definitely nailed it!

Exhibit T:          I found a picture of former United States President Dwight Eisenhower in one of my books and decided to try and recreate it. I’m no professional, but I think it’s spot on!

Exhibit U:         You didn’t think I would forget to include the greatest football team of all time did you? GO BRONCOS!!!

Exhibit V:         I think this is the funniest picture in the collection. (If this can be called a collection!) *Who knows, maybe when I die, it may be worth a dollar or two!* I attempted to draw Tiger Woods and it turned into a caricature. (Maybe that is where my true talent lies!)

Exhibit W:       I have no idea why I drew this, but I know that I listened to a lot of Ice Cube during my days in high school. (Looks just like him!)

Exhibit X:        This is the first of two Picasso’s. When Michael Jordan returned to the NBA, I was tired of the Bulls dominating and this was my prediction for the finals. (Utah let me down!)

Exhibit Y:        If you are an art world jackass, you will probably try to find the deeper meaning of this picture, but there is none. I simply was bored and created this nonsense!

Exhibit Z:       Every collection has a crown jewel. This picture of Mortal Combat’s Scorpion is my favorite. I honestly didn’t think I would be able to create this. Sadly, I will never be able to create anything better!

     If you’re wondering why I used the word exhibit for each picture, be assured that I am wondering the very same thing. It honestly makes no sense; exhibit is used in a courtroom. OH WELL!

I hope these were enjoyable to look at!

*****If anyone needs a professional to create a work of art, be sure to contact me; I only charge $5000 per piece!*****