Tag Archives: Comedy

Terrifying Brown

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

     I do not have a reason for my absence; I simply allowed my laziness to take over. I’m not sure how frequently I will post, but I felt the urge to write an entry, today, so here goes.

     On a recent flight to Boston, I brought along a book of short stories by Stephen King. I guess you can say he inspired this post, but the truth is I had the crap scared out of me. For those of you, who frighten easily, do not continue reading.

     The move to Burbank has been absolutely wonderful, UNTIL this morning. I’m not like the typical person; I don’t hate Mondays and I don’t look forward to Fridays. I guess you can say I don’t hate my job. I woke this morning and did what I always do; I checked the forecast, in order to prepare a proper outfit. (Just kidding! The weather in Southern California is always great!)

     My morning ritual is basically the same each day; I jog a few miles to the summit of the Verdugo Mountains. Luckily, I always seem to reach the peak just before sunrise. There is no better way to start the day! Once I receive a sufficient amount of solar energy, I head east, towards the local food bank. I’ve been blessed by my lord and savior and it is only right for me to return the favor by helping out the needy.

     I’m sorry; I definitely confused my morning ritual with someone else’s. I get ready, hop in the car, and hit the highway (I apologize to my fellow Californians; I meant to say freeway!) with my head on a swivel, watching for cops, as I speed my way down Interstate 5! (I don’t know why I thought I was a jogger!)

     The day began like any other, until I reached for a shirt. I don’t know if there are real superheroes in the world, but I definitely have superpowers. Unfortunately for me, it’s a gift and a curse. No matter where I am, I can spot any trespassing insect.

     Utilizing my hyper-sensitive peripheral vision, I noticed a creepy crawler walking up the wall. Although the lighting wasn’t optimal, I had no trouble spotting the intruder, since the closet walls are white.

     I moved in closer, in order to identify the trespasser; a brown spider. I’m not a native of Southern California, nor am I a herpetologist or one who studies arachnology, so there was no way for me to determine if this was a full-grown arachnid or an up-and-coming killer. (FYI: Herpetologists are not people who have sex with those infected with Herpes in order to understand the disease. People who have sex with those infected with Herpes in order to study the disease are sick!)

     I know I should have simply asked “god” to forgive me my trespasses as I forgive this spider who trespasses against me, but I’m an atheist, so I know there is no “god” to assist in these circumstances. Furthermore, I am a certified “spider serial killer.” I see a spider, I kill a spider. (There was one recent incident where I allowed a spider to live, but that was outdoors. Initially, I wanted to kill “god’s” eight-legged creation!)

     Once I assessed the situation, I was certain that this spider deserved to die. (To avoid any confusion, any spider located inside of my living space deserves to die a horrible death!) I grabbed my Adidas slippers and prepared to deliver the death-blow. (Ironically, all I could think was, “Just Do It!”)

     That’s when the most unimaginable thing happened. The Mother-F-ing spider jumped from his perched position, halfway up the wall, onto the carpet.

     I couldn’t freaking believe it!

     I know what you are thinking, “What’s the big deal?”

     I’ll tell you what the big deal is. The dumbass spider, a known killer, was brown. My freaking dumbass carpet, chosen by my landlord who is clearly trying to kill me since she apparently never got over the East coast West coast rap beef, is the same exact brown. Coincidence? I think not; I WAS DEAD!

     All I could do was channel my inner Nancy Kerrigan and yell out, “WHY ME! WHY ME!”

     Seriously, what the hell just happened? We’re not even in Los Angeles so why the heck did this spider decide to turn into Blake Griffin?

     I did all that I could to locate this amazing half-spider /half-chameleon, part-time dunk champion, but there was nothing I could do other than to come to grips with the fact that this trespasser was preparing to launch a nighttime attack, later that evening.

     Defeated, I prepared to leave the house, never thinking about the safety of my cousin, who was asleep in the other room. The way I saw it, “better him than me!”

     Just when I thought I was a dead man walking, the idiot spider made a fatal mistake. She (I might as well make this villain a woman!) crawled up the wall. There was no hesitation, this time. I attacked with deadly force, catching the spider on the left temple. (Yeah, I’m a spider killing ninja assassin!) The spider died on impact, and I was free to live another day.

     I was victorious on this occasion, but I am prepared to do battle once again. If I don’t survive, know that I fought with everything I had.

     My only reservation when choosing this apartment was the carpet, but I could never have imagined how much the floor-covering would negatively impact my life; I now know what lies beneath. Don’t make the same mistake I made; brown carpets are certified deathtraps! (No, the drapes do not match the carpet. We are men and we do not have drapes!) It’s definitely time for a change. Does anyone know which color best works against spider-chameleons? (While you think, I’m about to call eight-hundred, five, eight, eight, two, three, hundred, Empire, TODAY!)

     From this day forth, getting a good night sleep is completely out of the question. I’m sure most people are familiar with the UPS ads, in which potential customers are asked, “what can Brown do for you.” As of this morning, not a goddam thing!

GOVGRID SET A BROWN CARPET ROUGHBE CAREFUL!

@PeteTeix617

About these ads

“God” Is Bad, All The Time

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I can’t think of a more annoying phrase than, “‘God’ is good, all the time!” I’m an atheist, so this phrase is not only irritating, but it’s impossible; “god” is imaginary. Instead of just calling people who utter this phrase, idiots, I decided to use reason to prove the hollowness of this claim.

We all know “god” doesn’t exist in the real world, but he is a character in Judeo-Christian mythology. Using the bible as my source, I will show that “god” is indeed, bad. (I refer to “god” as a male because the bible was written by misogynistic storytellers who clearly wrote about a male deity. Furthermore, if the character known as “god” was a woman, the story of Jesus’ birth becomes a lesbian love affair and according to the “god-fearing” people who protest around the world, “’god’ hates gays!” ***They use a different word.***)

I have no idea at which point in history people lost their minds, but “god” has never been good. I’ll give the character some credit for creating the universe, but we can’t assume that any being that creates a universe is automatically “good.” (Especially when we know the being to be a certified jackass!)

People always give “god” credit for their “blessings” during joyous occasions, but they fail to realize that “god” has nothing to do with anything deemed to be “good.” An example of this misdirected gratitude happens whenever a person enters a hospital and is cured of some fatal disease. What people neglect to remember is the fact that “god” has always been against the advancement of human knowledge. (His followers do a good job of continuing this tradition of contra-intelligence!) If we look to the bible, it is clear that “god” doesn’t want people to be intelligent.

When the devil, the real “good” character in Judeo-Christian mythology, enters the Garden of Eden, he shares his wisdom with Adam and Eve in order to allow for them to be more self-sufficient, but “god” becomes angry. “God” doesn’t want Adam and Eve to be intelligent; he’d prefer for them to do as he says without questioning his orders. (What an evil asshole! I think it’s clear that every case of domestic violence comes from this character flaw that has been instilled in people who believe in “god.” I’ve never heard of an atheist beating on a spouse!)

The Garden of Eden story should cause people to appreciate the knowledge given to them by the devil, but somehow, the boy-touching priests were able to paint “god” as the good guy and people agreed without questioning the facts. (Clearly, it is evident that the closer someone is to “god,” the dumber they are!)

Another example of “god” being bad is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, the people of these two cities were not living a “godly-life,” but death and destruction was probably a bit overboard. Instead of sending down a couple of angels and teaching the people how to improve their lives, “god” decided to just extinguish the cities; killing all of the inhabitants. (This guy is the king of “do as I say and not as I do!” “God” is a dick; whatever the hell happened to forgiveness? Did I misread the “good book,” because I swear I remember something about people forgiving others?)

Jewish people claim to be “the chosen people.” I can’t argue with that. First, “god” asks Abraham to kill his son. Then, right when the pious Abraham is about to obey orders, “god” says, “you’ve just been punk’d!” Are you kidding me? What kind of a psycho jokes around by torturing a child and his family? (We don’t have to get into the record of “god’s” church and the children the institution is entrusted to protect!)

This “god” guy is the worst CEO in the history of the world. First, he chooses the Israelites to be his people, and then he decides to abuse the hell out of them. The chosen people suffered through Egyptian slavery, being blamed for killing Jesus, the holocaust, and being blamed for killing Jesus by Mel Gibson! I get it; the chosen people were eventually rewarded for their faith, but at what cost? I’m not sure if they are thankful, but the gift seems pretty shitty to me. What did “god” give them as a reward? Honestly, the most inconsiderate gift ever; a country in the Middle East, surrounded by anti-Semitic rulers, one of whom said “Israel should be wiped off the map!” (Gee thanks, big guy. I’m sure all the suffering was worth it!)

As if abusing his chosen people wasn’t enough, this CEO went on to be the worst general manager ever. He continuously picks horrible men to lead his church. Hey dumbass, if the guy enjoys raping children, DON’T CALL HIM TO SERVE AS A PRIEST! It’s really simple but this all-powerful, all-knowing loser is so bad. Seriously, what the hell does he think is going to happen? (I don’t know which is worst, “god’s” choices or the people who CHOOSE to follow him!)

If a man is jealous, he’s a bad boyfriend. Same goes for a jealous “god;” he is a bad character in the bible. Let’s also remember some of “god’s” creations. People are always quick to point out the good ones, without giving any thought to the bad ones. Cancer, AIDS, famine, plague, chicken pox, Gigli, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, weapons of mass destruction, snow, cold-weather (Never mind; these don’t apply anymore!), death, crack, blowjobs with condoms, etc…  (Bad “god!” If only we had the ability to wipe his face in the metaphorical piss that he showers onto our newly-stained figurative hardwood floors!)

I think my point has been made. No one can argue that “god” is not bad. If I really wanted to, I could continue to point out an infinite amount of examples to show just how bad this character is, but that is not necessary. I don’t mind people believing in the bible, but at least get it right, THE DEVIL SHOULD BE YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. The next time one of your family members survives cancer, thank the devil for providing the doctor with the intelligence to figure out a cure. (While you’re at it, don’t forget to say, “fuck you for creating cancer, bad ‘god!’”)

Oh yeah, how can I forget. The idiot appeared as a burning bush. Are you freaking kidding me? A BURNING BUSH! Do I even have to mention that burning bushes are bad? Seriously, this guy couldn’t think of anything else other than showing up as an STD? I thought Steve Carell was out of touch in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but Moses risked his life and challenged the mighty Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses, and successfully freed his people, for a burning bush. (Talk about putting the pussy on the pedestal!)

BURNING BUSH

     “GOD” IS BAD, ALL THE TIME!

@PeteTeix617

New Year’s Resolution

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I never understood the custom of declaring New Year’s resolution. Honestly, what do people think will happen on this “magical” day?

People will spend an entire year, creating as many excuses as necessary, in order to avoid accomplishing goals and bettering their lives. Then, for some unexplainable reason, these very same underachievers will decide that New Year ’s Day is the day everything will change. (It’s not going to happen!)

The very exercise of waiting until a specific moment to execute a life altering change is idiotic. If the objective is to become more successful, the right time to make a change is “now!” Waiting for New Year’s Day is a great way to ensure that you will continue to underachieve.

What do people actually think happens on January 1st? It’s a day like any other. Saying, “it’s going to be a new year and a new me,” is wishful thinking. What you are really saying is, “I hope things go better for me this year.”

Accomplished individuals don’t wait, or hope for things to improve. They set goals, work hard, and create their own success. Procrastination is cool for students with term papers to write, not grown adults with children to provide for!

My favorite aspect of the New Year’s Resolution is the fact that it usually comes during a New Year’s Day party, while the person professing his or her plan for future success is in an inebriated state. I’m not against having some fun, but partying is only fun when you are celebrating a triumph. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but your resolution would probably seem more believable if you weren’t wearing a beer-stained shirt and slurring your words!

I wish there was a change to the tradition. Instead of people telling us what they plan on doing, I would prefer if people toasted to what they accomplished during the previous year; we can call it Last Year’s Checklist!

I will break my rule and state my New Year’s Resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution is to create a kickass meme which pokes fun at the pope. Once I create the pic, I will use it as my Facebook profile pic!

Wait, that can’t be my resolution. I already accomplished that goal.

RICH POPE

It’s funny because it’s true! (Let’s see how long I can keep this profile pic going!)

     Let me see. I will write my 400th blog post before the end of 2014.

Wait, that can’t be it either. This is my four hundredth post.

Never mind, I don’t really get the whole resolution thing!

@PeteTeix617

History Can Be Fun (Especially when I Create It!)

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

The basic meaning of “have your cake and eat it too” has been lost in the wording. What is trying to be conveyed is, “you want to eat your cake and still have it when you are done.” (That’s not funny!)

I was hoping the saying meant. You want to halve your cake and eat it two. Basically meaning, you cut your cake in half and eat the two pieces in two separate sittings. (That would have been funny!)

Here is my story breaking down the origin:

A long, long time ago…

I can still remember how that music used to make me smile. Wait a minute! I think those are the lyrics to Don McLean’s song American Pie. (Sorry about that!)

There was a time, a long, long time ago. Chevys and levees played on the radio. No cell phones, just twenty thousand lights, swaying on a Saturday night…alright. (I think I screwed up again. Those are definitely the words to Five For Fighting’s song Slice!)

Once upon a time, the world was under the rule of one mighty king. The king, whose name has never been uncovered, had all the wealth that a person could wish for. He was a stern, but fair ruler. Most of the towns inside his massive kingdom were prosperous and peaceful.

There was one exception; a small town, near the outer rim of the kingdom. The people were hardworking loyal subjects, but their location created unimaginable hardships. Most families failed to get the proper nutrition, but everyone did their best to  ensure that no one starved to death.

The king wanted to do his best to help these people, but he didn’t want to create an atmosphere where laziness became accepted; a daily ration was given to his poorest subjects and nothing more. The caring king ordered his advisers to put in motion a five-year plan to improve the quality of the soil. With better farmland, the people would finally be able to provide for themselves.

In the meantime, each month, the king would hand out cakes to ten lucky families. These families were selected by the advisers and each clan was chosen based on their execution of the massive five-year plan.

The cakes were delivered to each home on the first day of the month. (Hence the famous song by Cleveland rap group Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony!)

The fortunate families had two choices. They could cut their cake into pieces and have their easiest meal. (Hence the saying “piece of cake,” when talking about things being easy!) This was truly the only option, because these were hungry people who couldn’t afford to pass up any meal.

The second option was to keep the cake for the entire month in order to receive a grand reward. Any family which managed to save their cake was invited to the castle for a massive dinner with the king. (Hence the term “a king’s feast!”)

Sitting down to dinner in the king’s castle was the ultimate prize, but an impossible dream. The longest any family held out was thirteen days. (Hence the number 13 being unlucky!)

On the twelfth day, the man’s best friend, Thomas Jinx, was heard guaranteeing that his buddy would be the first man to save his cake. (From that day forth, the name Jinx became synonymous with a curse!)

After the infamous Jinx incident, the chosen families no longer attempted to save their cakes; there was no point. Everything changed a few years later. A man named William Spender vowed to save his family’s cake for the entire month.

The Spenders land contained a small sliver of fertile land which provided enough extra food to share with some of their neighbors. Due to Mr. Spender’s generosity, his family was chosen to receive a piece of cake. Spender anticipated receiving the cake and he prepared accordingly. For a few months, he stored away some food to be served during his month-long wait.

As predicted, the Spenders were able to save their cake and the king sent a coach to transport the family to his castle. The Spenders thought they were going to see a large amount of food, but they were not prepared for the gargantuan meal.

William’s wife, Elizabeth, mentioned how difficult it was to save the cake. “The journey to your castle was the longest ride of our lives; it took all of my will power to keep from eating that cake.” Elizabeth said.

“Women are impossible to satisfy. It would appear that your wife would like to have her cake and eat it too!” The king said. (Hence the famous saying!)

Another first occurred during the long journey. The trip was the first incident in which children were heard asking the world’s most annoying travel query. Repeatedly, they yelled out “are we there yet?”

This incident is also the origin of the famous oxymoron “save like a Spender!”

***OK! We all know “save like a spender” is not a famous oxymoron, but it can be! (Let’s all do our part and make it happen!)***

@PeteTeix617

History Can Be Fun

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I received these great facts in an email from Jessica. I found them to be amusing so I decided to share.

Thanks Jess!

Where did “piss poor” come from?

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery… If you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor.”

But worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot…

They “didn’t have a pot to piss in” and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500′s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children; last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof…

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.”

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.”

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Those with money had plates made of pewter…

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; “of holding a wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave…

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell,” or was considered a “dead ringer.”

And that’s the truth!

I always wanted to know the origin of the saying “to have your cake and eat it too” came from. I discovered that there is no colorful story so I decided to write my own. CHECK BACK TOMORROW TO READ THE TALE!

@PeteTeix617

The Atheist’s Burden

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

In 1899, British writer Rudyard Kipling, of The Jungle Book fame, wrote a poem entitled The White Man’s Burden. (I’m not your history teacher, so if you have a desire to learn more about his piece, do your own research!) I’ve never been mistaken for poet, but here is my first poem:

I stole Kipling’s style! (copy is such an ugly word!)

 

Take up the atheist’s burden—

 

Seek out the truth revealed—

 

Read the texts, study the faiths

 

Until your minds are healed

 

A godless world is splendid

 

No war, no hate, no schism—

 

A godless world is coming,

 

For joy we’ll sing in rhythm

 

Take up the atheist’s burden

 

Logic is what we’ll spread

 

A new world void of deities

 

Religion will be dead;

 

Censorship no more

 

Free thoughts we all will share

 

A future shaped by science

 

Spawning geniuses to spare

 

Take up the atheist’s burden—

 

Reborn is how you’ll feel:

 

The brainwashed will be doomed

 

Denying what is real—

 

Our dumb will become dumber

 

The light they cannot see:

 

The sheep without their shepherd,

 

They’ll never let it be

 

Take up the atheist’s burden-

 

Prophets led you astray-

 

Fear not the nonexistent,

 

 Be wise and never pray.

 

The unknown we cannot fear

 

A universe for exploring,

 

Only one thing is for certain,

 

Sundays without the boring!

 

Not too shabby, if you ask me!

 

I enjoy creating pictures with funny captions, but I tend to censor myself because I don’t think the Facebookers can handle some of my “extreme” ideas. I’m sure I’ll end up not giving a crap in the near future, but for now, I’ll only release the uncensored material on the blog.

 

Here are my latest Facebook postings along with a bonus one which I decided not to put up.

ONE

I know he’s good!

TWO

Mommy, why is Jesus sad?

THREE

Oh!

FOUR

Awkward isn’t the word!

FIVE

Now it all makes sense!

SIX

Thanks, but no thanks!

SEVEN

His sixth sense is amazing!

BONUS

You bought that lie!

@PeteTeix617