Tag Archives: Christmas

A Different Perspective

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Christmas is beginning to be my favorite holiday; it’s arguably the most important day in Christianity, but somehow, Santa Claus is more important than Jesus! As an atheist, this is truly the greatest gift Santa ever delivered! (In the battle of mythological heroes, Santa is more powerful!)

Many people attempt to justify their failure to avoid falling into the trap of consumerism, but they are not able to fool me. Luckily for Christians, Jesus does not exist because if he did, his jealous father would probably destroy America as an example to the rest of the world! (My prediction: In four score and seven years, the United States of America will completely disassociate Jesus from Christmas!)

For those of you who drink “the other crappy cola,” it brings me great pleasure to mention the fact that the Coca Cola Company is responsible for the modern version of Santa Claus! (Coke is the best!) *To read more about the best drink created by man, click the link: A True Coke Head.*

The way I see it, Christmas, and all other mythological celebrations is all about the children. Watching a youngster open presents, with the excitement of a Broncos fan watching the great Tim Tebow score a touchdown, warms my heart! The fact that 99.4% of children completely forget about Jesus, on his birthday, is truly the gift that keeps on giving! (It is said that every time a child thanks Santa Claus for a present, an angel commits suicide!)

Yesterday, I found a book on the kitchen table; arguably the best present you can give a child! (I said arguably!) The novel was a copy if the Wizard of Oz. I opened to the introduction and found a wonderful surprise. Here is what I read:

     “Movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’: Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.” – Actual listing in the TV section of the Marin Independence-Journal, Marin, California, Summer 2002.

I couldn’t stop laughing! Perspective is everything!

     Here is my review of Christmas, from the perspective of an alien who recently landed on earth!

“The holiday seems to be one in which millions of people, throughout the world, spit in the face of their so called ‘Lord and Savior!’ They blatantly choose to worship a jolly bearded fellow, who has the ability to deliver presents to all of the ‘good’ children! Every so often, one of these half-assed followers will feel a sense of guilt and remember to say, ‘Happy birthday, Jesus!’ These Christians would all go to Hell, if the place existed! The followers of Christianity must truly hate their Christ!”

Merry Christmas!

@PeteTeix617

About these ads

Coming this week (26)

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

For this week, I will continue to review horrible commercials!

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Tank Update

Shamu has officially completed his one true mission! “What am I talking about?” You ask. He ate a mouse. Unfortunately, he wasn’t really hungry when we placed the mouse in the tank so we didn’t capture the incident on camera; we actually didn’t get to see any of it. He’ll eat another mouse soon and I will post the video. I hope it’s as epic as I imagine it will be!

I would like to thank everyone who celebrated Santa Claus’s day, today! Merry Christmas!

@PeteTeix617

How Quickly People Forget What Is Truly Important

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Yesterday, I wrote a silly story about my difficulties with Thanksgiving. (You can read the entry here: No Thanks) The truth of the matter is, Thanksgiving is my second favorite day of the year; no other holiday can compare. Thanksgiving provides us time with family and friends, great food, football, relaxation, and leftovers. (If you never purchased the Thanksgiving Day sandwich from D’Angelo, you my friend have yet to live!)

It seems our culture has a way of removing the essence from each holiday. I hate to say it, but consumerism trumps all else. Arguably, the two most effected events are Christmas and Thanksgiving.

The way I see it, Black Friday is a horrible idea. When I grew up, no one mentioned the term; people only cared about spending time with family and friends; that’s what the holiday is all about. It isn’t about the pilgrims and their dinner with the Native Americans; only school children care about the pilgrims. (If you’re an adult and you thought about the pilgrims during your Thanksgiving Day, you might be insane!)

For those who are not familiar with Black Friday, the day marks the unofficial start of the Christmas shopping season. Traditionally, stores open earlier than the normal business hours and select items are marked down. (This seems like a wonderful concept, but it is a bad idea!)

Looks like a great time!

     Normally, stores open around 7am, but this year has changed everything; stores opened their doors at midnight. Thinking of all the great deals causes people to miss the fact that Black Friday ruins Thanksgiving Day. (There is always a price to pay for greed!)

Families are forced to cut short their time together so people can rush out to brave the November weather (unless you live in a warm climate!) in long lines. The weather is not the major problem; retailers only place a limited number of items on sale, so it is literally a duel to the death. (I am not exaggerating; people have been trampled to death and fights are commonplace!)

The violence is unfortunate, but the loss of the spirit of the day is the biggest downside. Employees are forced to staff the stores, causing them to miss time with their family and friends. The customers also suffer; I read one story about a mom and her son who arrived at a Best Buy at 7pm on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving Day. (What a horrible way to spend such a great holiday!)

I would do away with Black Friday, entirely. The retailers should come up with a better way to kick off the holiday shopping season. A possible solution may be, moving the event to Saturday night, instead of Thursday. Creating a “Black Sunday” will at least allow people to enjoy their Thanksgiving holiday. (Never mind, I completely forgot that the bible forbids us to work on Sundays. Unless of course, you need to make money to support your family; I believe “god” allows the one exception!)

The day is only part of the difficulty, no one should have to put their safety at risk just to get a great deal; retailers need to go back and hire better marketers. I can’t support the creation of a hostile shopping environment; honestly, it just doesn’t make any sense! Black Friday is a horrible idea!

I am against religion so the fact that Christmas has been stolen from the Christians is great. There is no arguing the fact that Santa is far more popular than Jesus; possibly year round, but definitely on December 25th. I honestly don’t understand how a true Christian can allow Santa to supplant their “lord and savior,” when it comes to importance. Can you honestly say that you ever heard a child being excited about Jesus’ birthday; “the son of god” has actually become an afterthought. As an atheist, this fact brings joy to my heart; religion is losing its influence over the people. (Christians love Jesus, but they love presents a lot more!)

I can remember always being asked, “are you going to mass on Christmas?” It was as if the mass was an option, but no one ever asked, “do you want a Christmas gift this year?” (People can lose relationships with loved ones over forgetting to buy a present!)

No one believes in Santa Claus, but when it comes to the battle of mythical heroes, Jesus gets his ass kicked on Christmas. People may try their best, attempting to explain why they care more about gifts than Jesus, but in the end, religion is nothing but hocus pocus; no one actually cares. People only turn to religion in times of hardship, and that’s it. Each Christian, who loves Jesus, may lie to me, but they must wake up and look themselves in the mirror and admit the fact that Jesus doesn’t really matter on Christmas! (WHO CARES IF IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY?)

Although I only became an atheist earlier this year, I left religion a long time ago; I guess I always saw through the ridiculousness of it all.

To Best Buy, I say, it would be wonderful to purchase a forty two inch HD Flat-screen television for only one hundred and ninety-nine dollars, but it is not worth me losing the second best day of the year! (Everyone knows that April 18th is the greatest day of the year! Don’t be an idiot and argue this fact!)

Please allow me to kick off the holiday season and be the first to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

     I often hear Christians say, “Jesus comes first, then family and money.” Nothing could be further from the truth. I challenge all Christians to take back the day, for their “lord and savior, Jesus Christ.” If you truly love Jesus, skip the gifts and spend Christmas day doing what Jesus would do. Take all of your Christmas cash and help out those who are less fortunate. Once you exhaust your extra funds, spend the rest of your day celebrating with family and friends, worshipping the birthday boy. (I didn’t think so! Santa Rules the day!)

The Grinch didn’t steal Christmas; the true culprit was Santa, and he stole the day from Jesus.

@PeteTeix617

The Myth

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

This entry is the fifth of a series. Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition

Joan returned on schedule, but I was concerned because she appeared to be visibly upset. She didn’t say hello, in fact she didn’t say anything; Joan just stood in the middle of my room and stared at me, indignantly.

Me: “Are you ok; what’s wrong?”

Joan: “Why did you ignore me this past weekend?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Joan: “I attempted to deliver a message to you, but you ignored me. Why?”

Me: “Are you sure it was me; I was in LA. Maybe someone was sleeping in my bed and you scared the crap out of them.”

Joan: “Of course I’m sure it was you; I decided to take on a different form. The Lord had a suggestion about the myth and I wanted to deliver his message to you.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I honestly had no idea.”

Joan: “I was standing in Hollywood with a microphone and I know you heard me because you wrote a post about it.” (Read said post, here: Second Day: LA)

Me: “That wasn’t you.”

Joan: “Yes it was!”

Me: “You fooled me with the Halloween costume, but you aren’t going to fool me with this one. I know you aren’t going to appear on earth as a Jesus freak!”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Damn, I thought I could get you, again.”

Me: “Looks like I evened up the score.”

Joan: “Let’s hear the myth.”

Me: “I thought it would be best for me to focus on the fact that the myth should scare children into behaving properly. The character I came up with is called, Herpes Harold. He travels around the world and gives Herpes to the bad children, and his secret home will be inside the Vatican.”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Please tell me you’re kidding?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I completely forgot about the myth and this is all I was able to come up with.”

Joan: “I like the fact that you are placing shame on the Vatican for their past atrocities, but we need a hero; I can’t believe you forgot.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “Looks like you’ve been had. I believe the score now reads: two to one, in my favor.”

Joan: “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

Me: “Enough joking around; here is what I created. From now on, people will greet one another by saying ‘Happy Basalt Day,’ on October 23rd.”

Joan: “Basalt Day? I’m not sure that’s better than Christmas.”

Me: “Trust me, it will catch on! I decided to focus on the rock, which must be Basalt. Our moral policeman, if you will, is Magma. He is half man, half rock. He lives in an underwater Volcano, deep beneath the Pacific Ocean, and penguins work year round to make the toys.”

Joan: “That’s not bad. Continue.”

Me: “Once St. Peter became the new Lord; he created Magma and gave him control over all volcanoes. From this day forth, whenever Magma gets angry with our behavior on earth, he causes an eruption.”

Joan: “I like it; this factor will help us keep a grasp on the naive adults. Tell me more.”

Me: “Children all over the world will carve their wish lists onto the Basalt rocks. Angels will be assigned to watch over the children and decide whether they are proper, or misbehavers. The angels will deliver the reports to the Magma’s aides, who are penguins. Once the list is completed on the eve of October 23rd, Magma sets off on his journey.”

Joan: “How does he travel?”

Me: “Magma has talking dolphins. He stands on a large granite surfboard and the dolphins swim towards land. Once on the shore, the dolphin’s tails transform to feet and they are capable of running at the speed of light; they are basically invisible. Magma travels to each home and delivers the gifts to the proper children. For the misbehavers, Magma orders his most trusted assistant, a sea lion named Diamond, to chisel away the bad child’s gift list.“

Joan: “So let me get this straight. The obedient children, the ‘proper’ ones, wake up to a rock surrounded by gifts, and the misbehavers wake up to a rock which has the wish list scratched off?”

Me: “Exactly. And the homes without a rock belong to Jesus’ non-believers!”

Joan: “Sounds good so far. What else?”

Me: “Children will be taught to pray to the angels, in an effort to ensure that they receive a positive report.”

Joan: “I must say, I think you have a winner here.”

Me: “Thanks, I’m glad you like the myth. There are more details which I will reveal over time. Next week, I will write the story of Magma’s new favorite Dolphin, who was able to save the day during a hurricane. I will then share the story of Diamond, in the following week’s post.”

Joan: “I can’t wait. There is a lot of potential here.”

Me: “In a generation or two, Magma will be the new children’s hero and Santa will be synonymous with Jesus.”

Joan: “The more characters you can create, the faster the myth will spread. Keep up the great work!”

Me: “I’ll continue to do my best. I’ll also get one of my creative friends to sketch out the characters.”

Joan: “Wonderful! That will be a nice touch! I’ll deliver the story to the Lord; I’m sure he’ll be thoroughly pleased. I’ll see you next week!”

[She disappeared.]

May the Lord bless all of you for reading!

@PeteTeix617

Fallon The Blind Dolphin

 

The Tradition

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Read the first three installments in the series prior to this post.  Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws

Joan returned once again, but this time, she appeared sans the scary costume. On this night, her mission was to reveal a new tradition to the world.

Here is our conversation.

Joan: “The Lord wants me to deliver his idea for a new tradition. He understands that it may take decades for his followers to make the necessary adjustments, and he is patient.”

Me: “That sounds great. I can’t wait to hear the plan.”

Joan: “The first message, which I am to deliver, is about Christmas. From this day forth, Christmas will be considered a form of devil worship.”

Me: “That makes perfect sense. Honestly, Christmas has been all about gifts and not about Jesus.”

Joan: “Christmas is the quintessential example of how poorly Jesus delivered the past God’s message. Even though Jesus created a lot of false claims, the people did a great job of screwing up his story. First of all, Jesus was not born on December 25th. Some idiot decided to use the date, which was a former pagan celebration. Saturnalia celebrated the birth of the pagan sun god. The authoritative figures decided to keep the day, and change the tradition.”

Me: “So when was Jesus’ real birthday?”

Joan: “Jesus was born to the virgin Mary on April 17th, in the year 6CE. He arrived a few minutes before midnight.”

Me: “I thought Jesus’ birth marked the year zero.”

Joan: “No, they got that wrong as well. The Lord is adamant about removing Jesus from the new faith. Anno Domini (AD) and Before Christ (BC) will not be allowed. The Common Era (CE) and Before the Common Era (BCE) are to be used.”

Me: “April 17th? I think I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel which made the same claim.”

Joan: “Yeah, those scholars figured out the correct date.”

Me: “You know I was born on April 18th, right?”

Joan: “Yes! Moses and Mohammad were also born on April 18th. Jesus was supposed to be born on the 18th, but something went wrong; it should have been a sign.”

Me: “Damn, so nothing went right during Jesus’ time on earth?”

Joan: “No, he was a complete failure. His message actually almost raised his following to equal the Lord’s. Jesus did some horrible things while he inhabited the earth.”

Me: “What kind of things?”

Joan: “Jesus was the typical guy; he couldn’t keep away from the ladies.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Joan: “Yes. Jesus had an insatiable desire to sleep with every beautiful woman. He often abused the powers which were bestowed upon him by the former Lord.”

Me: “Jesus was a player?”

Joan: “To say the least. He would always perform miracles to impress the ladies. The stories about walking on water and turning water into wine were all true; he did it for the women.”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I always figured a man with all those powers would abuse them, somehow, but I never expected Jesus to be a man-whore.”

Joan: “He also made plenty of enemies because of his vice. If a married woman rejected Jesus’ advances, he would cause her to become ill, with an incurable disease. Obviously, the woman would turn to Jesus for a miracle and he would strike a deal; he offered to cure the woman for a night in the sack.”

Me: “Damn, that’s not cool.”

Joan: “Everyone disliked his behavior, but the apostles did their best to hide Jesus’ major character flaw.”

Me: “So they purposely kept the stories about his sexual trysts from the gospels?”

Joan: “For the most part, they did, but there were a few apostles who included the truth. Their books were omitted from the official Church Cannon.”

Me: “Wow, imagine how different the world would be if everyone knew the truth.”

Joan: “The world will be a different place, once we implement the new changes.”

Me: “Am I going to receive any special powers, so I can prove that the message I am delivering is indeed from the Lord?”

Joan: “I am not sure, if the Lord decides to give you powers, I suggest you don’t abuse them.”

Me: “I’ll do my best, but it will be tempting to be selfish.”

Joan: “I’m sure you’ll be able to control yourself.”

Me: “Since there is no longer any Christmas day, what will be the new major celebration?”

Joan: “The Lord’s day will be celebrated on October 23rd.”

Me: “That’s the first day you appeared to me.”

Joan: “It also marks the day of St. Peter’s birthday.”

Me: “What should the day be named?”

Joan: “The Day of the Rock.”

Me: “Perfect, since Peter means rock.”

Joan: “Exactly.”

Me: “What will the tradition be?”

Joan: “Every family is to place a large rock in the home; the rock will replace the tree. People are free to celebrate the rock as they please.”

Me: “Is Christmas the only celebration which is banned?”

Joan: “No! Lent is also forbidden. Jesus never spent forty days fasting in the desert. Jesus arrived at a village with his apostles and he tricked the women into following him into the desert for what he called a fasting. He said that he would prove to his followers that faith in him will allow them to survive any hardships. He led the women into the desert and had an orgy for forty days. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but there was no water except for his trouser fountain, if you get the picture!”

Me: “That guy was something else; definitely no more lent. Basically, we’re pretty much not going to celebrate anything that has to do with Jesus.”

Joan: “When people say, ‘what would Jesus do,’ they will be referring to making an evil decision.”

Me: “So we can say, ‘Osama Bin Laden asked himself, what would Jesus do before 9/11’?”

Joan: “Precisely!”

Me: “Do you have any more details?”

Joan: “The Lord wanted to avoid turning his day into a marketing holiday, but he understands the ways of the human being. Gifts will be allowed for children and special adults. The Lord wants any gift handed to someone on his day to be considered extremely special. Diamonds will be the preferred gift.”

Me: “Is that because they are called rocks?”

Joan: “Yes, and for the fact that Diamond is the birthstone for April; the month of the prophet. The Lord wants April 18th to be another celebrated day. It will be known as Prophet’s Day.”

Me: “Wow, we get our own day? That is amazing.”

Joan: “As far as the other holidays, people are free to celebrate as they see fit; except for Christian holidays, of course. Passover can remain a major holiday. People, who were formerly Muslim, may follow their old traditions, as well.”

Me: “What about Halloween? I know some religious nus believed that the holiday was associated with the devil.”

Joan: “Christmas is the devil’s day; Halloween is fine. The Lord is all about people enjoying themselves. I have another suggestion. The Lord didn’t say anything about this, but if people want to celebrate my birthday, on January 6th, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.”

Me: “I’ll be sure to mention the day and do my best to promote St. Joan’s Day!”

Joan: “Thank you!”

Me: “If anyone deserves their own day, it’s you.”

Joan: “The Lord understands the human traditions and He wants to take control of the marketing. The Lord decided to leave the creation of the myth, to you.”

Me: “What does he want me to create?”

Joan: “He wants you to create a myth which is better than the Santa Clause story. Teaching children to follow the Lord is essential to any faith.”

Me: “Are there any specific details I should include?”

Joan: “Just tie the story into October 23rd, and make it a great story. The lesson of acting properly should be conveyed through fear. The children must be afraid to misbehave, or else, there must be a penalty. The story should be ready for my visit next week.”

Me: “I’ll do my best!”

Joan: “I’m sure you will; I’ll see you next week.”

Joan disappeared.

@PeteTeix617

 

The Myth