Tag Archives: Atheist

Five Years Of Reminiscence

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

     Some of you may have noticed the number seven followed a date, at the end of yesterday’s post. The dedication was for my deceased cousin, Kevin, who died on the same date, five years ago; 12/8/06. To read about his tragic accident click the link: Kevin Fidalgo. (Here is the link to the other article:http://www.wickedlocal.com/cambridge/local_news/x1785630283#axzz1g157B4nY)

No one knows what actually happens after death, but there is one certainty; the person continues to live inside of the memories of others. I am an atheist and I highly doubt there is an afterlife, but I hope I am wrong; it would be nice to experience another realm. (For my thoughts on the afterlife, read my post: Where Are All The Dead People, My Conversation With Kevin, Unconventional Endings¸ and Are Ghosts Real.)

Traditionally, I visit my cousin’s grave at least twice a year; once on December 8th and once on June 23rd, his birthday. Since his accident, I spoke with Kevin on a nightly basis; always asking for him to watch over us. This year, once I became an atheist, the routine changed. I no longer wasted my time praying to the dead and a nonexistent “god.” I decided to keep Kevin in my memories and do my best to carry on his passion for living. Although he is dead, he is always with us, because we talk about him, constantly.

I decided to drive to the cemetery, yesterday. When I arrived, the area was empty. There was no eerie feeling or unexplained occurrences. I stepped out of the car and I felt a tad bit silly. I walked to his grave and simply observed. Part of me wanted to have a life changing experience, but I honestly felt like I was looking at a piece of superbly carved stone; nothing more. I didn’t feel the need to talk to Kevin, since he is dead and can’t hear me, so I decided to walk around and I visited the graves of other family members. My journey to the mysterious portal to the afterlife only lasted about fifteen minutes.

I’ll probably visit the gravestone again, in the future, but it will be more about ritual than making a connection. In no way am I trying to discourage people from believing life after death; feel free to talk to your loved ones. I just believe that my way of thinking is better because I keep my cousin’s memory with me every day, instead of waiting to meet in an afterlife which more than likely does not exist.

If you are still out there, Kevin; send me a sign. Write something in the comment section for this post. **I doubt he’ll write anything, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed!**

P.S. Don’t be a dick naughty person and create a fake profile named Kevin, just so you can write some asinine comment; YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT!!!

@PeteTeix617

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Great Interviews, BUT…

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

This entry is my review of Lee Strobel’s book, The Case For Christ. Strobel was a self-proclaimed atheist who used his journalism background to discover Jesus. He is now a Christian and a fervent believer.

The book starts with a compelling story which immediately gains the sympathy of the reader. The tale is of a man who was convicted for a murder because the evidence pointed to his guilt. Strobel worked for a newspaper in Chicago and he discovered new evidence which helped to prove the man’s innocence. The point of the story is to show that Strobel originally believed the evidence proved “god” didn’t exist because he only skimmed the information, but in the end, he discovered a new truth; Strobel now believes in Jesus.

I had one major problem with Strobel’s book; he wanted to approach the question as if it were an actual case. His plan was to interview various experts in order to seek out the truth. That is a huge mistake because bringing the question of the existence of “god” into a courtroom removes the believer’s major defense; faith. Faith will never hold up in a court of law.

The first “expert’s” argument is weak. He was asked to prove that the apostles wrote the gospels. His argument is, the eyewitness is John Doe and he believes that what John Doe said about Jesus is true. Concerning the gospel of John, he actually says, “The name of the author isn’t in doubt—it’s certainly John…the question is whether it was John the apostle or a different John.” (Well, if I wasn’t convinced before, how could I argue with that statement?) I believe this evidence has a name; it is called hearsay. We all know that hearsay would not hold up in a court of law.

The overall premise of the book is to prove that Jesus existed and that the gospels, which “were written by his apostles,” are real. This would mean that the reader must agree, and I do not agree with the statement. The bible is not real; I think it is a book of myths and fairytales. There are many failed attempts to prove the existence of Jesus, but I think it would be pointless to go through each one. At the end of the day, a true atheist will not be swayed by these “facts,” and a believer would support each one as they support the ridiculous bible claims.

That being said, I enjoyed reading the stories and listening to the discussions, but for me this was for entertainment purposes only. Reading the “evidence” was like listening to my nephew and one of his cousins attempting to figure out how I was able to make his card reappear inside the freezer, in a sealed bag of frozen lima beans. They may believe it was magic, but I know the truth.

There is no way of proving Jesus existed, and no way of proving the existing of “god;” religion is based on faith and faith alone. Using the words in the bible to prove the myths are actually real is unbelievably asinine. Three thousand years from now, one could honestly take my series with Joan and use Strobel’s methods to prove that she actually appeared in my room, and that I was in fact, the next in a line of messiahs. (Please leave the scientific methods to the people who don’t believe in magic!)

I honestly don’t think there was such a person named Jesus Christ, but even if he indeed existed, he was not the man depicted in the bible. If we find a myth about an Olympian god who destroyed the city of Pompeii, historians can find proof that the city was destroyed, but it doesn’t prove that the myth is actually true. Jerusalem exists and I’m sure all of the fictitious bible stories are based on actual places, but the tales are not real.

I recommend the book to all people, regardless of anyone’s beliefs. The interviews are wonderful and filled with great information. For non-Christians, the book will serve as a view into how the followers of Christ think, and for Christians, the book will help to reaffirm your faith.

Strobel attempted to do the impossible and he failed; you can’t prove the existence of an entity which does not exist. I honestly hoped to find a challenging manuscript, but this was not it, although entertaining, the arguments fell short. I am still an atheist.

I look forward to reading the other suggested texts!

@PeteTeix617

Fallon The Blind Dolphin

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition  The Myth

This is the first children’s story to be approved by the new Lord.

     Fallon was born to regular dolphins. His parents, major and Carol, never achieved the ultimate goal of joining Magma’s Nifty Nine; these were the specially chosen dolphins which led Magma during his Basalt Day gift giving journey. Only the fastest and strongest dolphins were chosen.

Fallon, like most dolphins, believed he would grow up and be one of the chosen ones. His supportive father encouraged his only son. Major taught Fallon that anything was possible, but deep down in his heart, he knew his son had absolutely no chance to be one of the Nifty Nine. Fallon was a special dolphin; he was born blind.

The calf suffered a great deal while growing up. The other baby dolphins teased Fallon on a daily basis. Due to his blindness, the young dolphin had an acute sense of hearing; he never missed any of the nasty comments. Each day, Fallon would return home with a face full of tears. Major was unhappy to see his son having so much trouble, but there was nothing that he could do other than continue to encourage his son.

Major told Fallon that he could become one of the Nifty Nine, as long as he didn’t give up hope. Carol didn’t think it was a good idea to lie to their son; she didn’t want to get his hopes up. Major understood why his wife was against lying, but he also wanted his son to always give a maximum effort.

Fallon was a clumsy dolphin. His lack of vision caused him to swim into everything. Each time he bumped into an object, the other dolphins would laugh and make jokes. In the beginning, Fallon always cried, but he eventually developed a strong sense of self and didn’t let the negative comments bother him. Fallon truly believed that he would prove the other dolphins wrong.

One day, while swimming with a group of his peers in the open ocean, Fallon decided to test his speed. He swam as fast as he could, and when fatigue began to set in, he stopped. Fallon asked if he was as fast as the other dolphins, but no one responded; Fallon found himself alone in the middle of the ocean.

The other dolphins saw Luna, a large orca. The calves were always taught to swim away if they ever saw the evil orca, but Fallon was the only one who couldn’t see. Eventually, Luna swam up to Fallon and asked if he was ok. Fallon found Luna to be extremely friendly and answered, yes. It turned out that the dolphins had nothing to fear; Luna was a friendly orca.

Fallon and Luna became great friends. In fact, it was Luna who taught Fallon to use his sonar to guide him. The two best friends practiced every day until Fallon developed the ability to sense everything that surrounded him. Fallon gained the ability to swim at fast speeds without having to worry about bumping into anything. Thanks to the help of his new best friend, Fallon became the fastest calf in the ocean.

The other children thought Fallon was extremely brave because he was the only dolphin who wasn’t afraid of Luna. The other calves cowered near their parents, while Major proudly watched Fallon swim with Luna. Each day, Fallon perfected his other senses to the point that his vision was no longer a hindrance.

It was the week before Basalt Day, and the Nifty Nine practiced for their special journey. Risso, the eldest and leader of the pod, planned on retiring; this would be his last trip. Risso recruited the best dolphins to practice with the Nifty Nine. He would watch them swim and choose a successor. Fallon asked Risso if he could practice with the group, but he was laughed at.

Major told his son that there would be other chances and to keep his head up. Fallon was determined to prove that he had the skills to join the team, and secretly followed the pod. Fallon could sense the challenging movements, from a distance, as the prospects practice under the watchful eye of Risso. Fallon could feel the maneuvers, and he practiced each drill.

Suddenly, there was a large eruption. The Lord gave magma complete control over the earth’s volcanoes, but our hero didn’t fully understand the responsibility and power which he possessed. Magma wanted to test his capabilities and caused an undersea volcano to erupt. He assumed the area was uninhabited, but the eruption happened in the exact location where the pod was practicing.

Volcanic ash filled the ocean, causing the dolphins to lose their ability to see. Unable to gain their bearings, the dolphins found themselves trapped; the pod was able to stay together due to their ropes, but they did not have the ability to escape the disaster. Risso prayed to the Lord and asked him to save the Nifty Nine as well as the prospects, but it seemed as if the group was doomed.

Fallon heard the cries and rushed to the group’s rescue; he called out and Risso answered. Fallon grabbed the rope and promised to lead the terrified dolphins to safety. Fallon used his super sonar abilities to steer clear of the ash. The young dolphin’s speed and power had never been felt before. The group followed his lead, but they remained frightful. Ten minutes later, Fallon stopped swimming and the other dolphins finally opened their eyes. They couldn’t believe it, Fallon saved their lives.

Risso, along with the other dolphins, thanked the young hero and promised to speak to Magma about the talented Fallon. The following day, the Nifty Nine gathered in front of Magma, who asked about the status of the prospects. Risso told the story of Fallon’s heroics and Magma was amazed. He asked each member if Fallon should be Risso’s replacement. Hector, Dusky, Common, Clymene, Spinner, Ganges, Indus, and Striper all answered, affirmatively.

The decision was unanimous and Risso agreed to retire a year early. Magma couldn’t wait to watch the young dolphin lead the special pod. Fallon became the best of the Nifty Nine and he gained the respect of every dolphin in the sea. He also taught the dolphins that Luna was a nice orca; there was nothing to fear. From that day forward, the dolphins learned never to judge anyone before giving them a chance.

THE END

Children’s song about Fallon: (Complete rip off of the Rudolph song!)

 Fallon the blinded dolphin

Couldn’t see a thing at all,

He bumped into all the objects,

Like he was a bouncing ball.

 

All of the other dolphins

 Used to laugh and call him names;

 They never let poor Fallon

Join in any dolphin games.

 

Then before one Basalt Day trip,

The Nifty Nine were trapped,

Fallon used his sonar skills,

And led them through the ash

 

Then how the dolphins loved him

As they shouted out with glee,

Fallon the blinded dolphin,

You’ll go down in history. 

More stories coming soon! Who knows, maybe I’ll even create more songs!

**Children will forget about Rudolph!**

@PeteTeix617

The Revelation

The Myth

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

This entry is the fifth of a series. Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition

Joan returned on schedule, but I was concerned because she appeared to be visibly upset. She didn’t say hello, in fact she didn’t say anything; Joan just stood in the middle of my room and stared at me, indignantly.

Me: “Are you ok; what’s wrong?”

Joan: “Why did you ignore me this past weekend?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Joan: “I attempted to deliver a message to you, but you ignored me. Why?”

Me: “Are you sure it was me; I was in LA. Maybe someone was sleeping in my bed and you scared the crap out of them.”

Joan: “Of course I’m sure it was you; I decided to take on a different form. The Lord had a suggestion about the myth and I wanted to deliver his message to you.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I honestly had no idea.”

Joan: “I was standing in Hollywood with a microphone and I know you heard me because you wrote a post about it.” (Read said post, here: Second Day: LA)

Me: “That wasn’t you.”

Joan: “Yes it was!”

Me: “You fooled me with the Halloween costume, but you aren’t going to fool me with this one. I know you aren’t going to appear on earth as a Jesus freak!”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Damn, I thought I could get you, again.”

Me: “Looks like I evened up the score.”

Joan: “Let’s hear the myth.”

Me: “I thought it would be best for me to focus on the fact that the myth should scare children into behaving properly. The character I came up with is called, Herpes Harold. He travels around the world and gives Herpes to the bad children, and his secret home will be inside the Vatican.”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Please tell me you’re kidding?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I completely forgot about the myth and this is all I was able to come up with.”

Joan: “I like the fact that you are placing shame on the Vatican for their past atrocities, but we need a hero; I can’t believe you forgot.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “Looks like you’ve been had. I believe the score now reads: two to one, in my favor.”

Joan: “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

Me: “Enough joking around; here is what I created. From now on, people will greet one another by saying ‘Happy Basalt Day,’ on October 23rd.”

Joan: “Basalt Day? I’m not sure that’s better than Christmas.”

Me: “Trust me, it will catch on! I decided to focus on the rock, which must be Basalt. Our moral policeman, if you will, is Magma. He is half man, half rock. He lives in an underwater Volcano, deep beneath the Pacific Ocean, and penguins work year round to make the toys.”

Joan: “That’s not bad. Continue.”

Me: “Once St. Peter became the new Lord; he created Magma and gave him control over all volcanoes. From this day forth, whenever Magma gets angry with our behavior on earth, he causes an eruption.”

Joan: “I like it; this factor will help us keep a grasp on the naive adults. Tell me more.”

Me: “Children all over the world will carve their wish lists onto the Basalt rocks. Angels will be assigned to watch over the children and decide whether they are proper, or misbehavers. The angels will deliver the reports to the Magma’s aides, who are penguins. Once the list is completed on the eve of October 23rd, Magma sets off on his journey.”

Joan: “How does he travel?”

Me: “Magma has talking dolphins. He stands on a large granite surfboard and the dolphins swim towards land. Once on the shore, the dolphin’s tails transform to feet and they are capable of running at the speed of light; they are basically invisible. Magma travels to each home and delivers the gifts to the proper children. For the misbehavers, Magma orders his most trusted assistant, a sea lion named Diamond, to chisel away the bad child’s gift list.“

Joan: “So let me get this straight. The obedient children, the ‘proper’ ones, wake up to a rock surrounded by gifts, and the misbehavers wake up to a rock which has the wish list scratched off?”

Me: “Exactly. And the homes without a rock belong to Jesus’ non-believers!”

Joan: “Sounds good so far. What else?”

Me: “Children will be taught to pray to the angels, in an effort to ensure that they receive a positive report.”

Joan: “I must say, I think you have a winner here.”

Me: “Thanks, I’m glad you like the myth. There are more details which I will reveal over time. Next week, I will write the story of Magma’s new favorite Dolphin, who was able to save the day during a hurricane. I will then share the story of Diamond, in the following week’s post.”

Joan: “I can’t wait. There is a lot of potential here.”

Me: “In a generation or two, Magma will be the new children’s hero and Santa will be synonymous with Jesus.”

Joan: “The more characters you can create, the faster the myth will spread. Keep up the great work!”

Me: “I’ll continue to do my best. I’ll also get one of my creative friends to sketch out the characters.”

Joan: “Wonderful! That will be a nice touch! I’ll deliver the story to the Lord; I’m sure he’ll be thoroughly pleased. I’ll see you next week!”

[She disappeared.]

May the Lord bless all of you for reading!

@PeteTeix617

Fallon The Blind Dolphin

 

The Tradition

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Read the first three installments in the series prior to this post.  Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws

Joan returned once again, but this time, she appeared sans the scary costume. On this night, her mission was to reveal a new tradition to the world.

Here is our conversation.

Joan: “The Lord wants me to deliver his idea for a new tradition. He understands that it may take decades for his followers to make the necessary adjustments, and he is patient.”

Me: “That sounds great. I can’t wait to hear the plan.”

Joan: “The first message, which I am to deliver, is about Christmas. From this day forth, Christmas will be considered a form of devil worship.”

Me: “That makes perfect sense. Honestly, Christmas has been all about gifts and not about Jesus.”

Joan: “Christmas is the quintessential example of how poorly Jesus delivered the past God’s message. Even though Jesus created a lot of false claims, the people did a great job of screwing up his story. First of all, Jesus was not born on December 25th. Some idiot decided to use the date, which was a former pagan celebration. Saturnalia celebrated the birth of the pagan sun god. The authoritative figures decided to keep the day, and change the tradition.”

Me: “So when was Jesus’ real birthday?”

Joan: “Jesus was born to the virgin Mary on April 17th, in the year 6CE. He arrived a few minutes before midnight.”

Me: “I thought Jesus’ birth marked the year zero.”

Joan: “No, they got that wrong as well. The Lord is adamant about removing Jesus from the new faith. Anno Domini (AD) and Before Christ (BC) will not be allowed. The Common Era (CE) and Before the Common Era (BCE) are to be used.”

Me: “April 17th? I think I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel which made the same claim.”

Joan: “Yeah, those scholars figured out the correct date.”

Me: “You know I was born on April 18th, right?”

Joan: “Yes! Moses and Mohammad were also born on April 18th. Jesus was supposed to be born on the 18th, but something went wrong; it should have been a sign.”

Me: “Damn, so nothing went right during Jesus’ time on earth?”

Joan: “No, he was a complete failure. His message actually almost raised his following to equal the Lord’s. Jesus did some horrible things while he inhabited the earth.”

Me: “What kind of things?”

Joan: “Jesus was the typical guy; he couldn’t keep away from the ladies.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Joan: “Yes. Jesus had an insatiable desire to sleep with every beautiful woman. He often abused the powers which were bestowed upon him by the former Lord.”

Me: “Jesus was a player?”

Joan: “To say the least. He would always perform miracles to impress the ladies. The stories about walking on water and turning water into wine were all true; he did it for the women.”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I always figured a man with all those powers would abuse them, somehow, but I never expected Jesus to be a man-whore.”

Joan: “He also made plenty of enemies because of his vice. If a married woman rejected Jesus’ advances, he would cause her to become ill, with an incurable disease. Obviously, the woman would turn to Jesus for a miracle and he would strike a deal; he offered to cure the woman for a night in the sack.”

Me: “Damn, that’s not cool.”

Joan: “Everyone disliked his behavior, but the apostles did their best to hide Jesus’ major character flaw.”

Me: “So they purposely kept the stories about his sexual trysts from the gospels?”

Joan: “For the most part, they did, but there were a few apostles who included the truth. Their books were omitted from the official Church Cannon.”

Me: “Wow, imagine how different the world would be if everyone knew the truth.”

Joan: “The world will be a different place, once we implement the new changes.”

Me: “Am I going to receive any special powers, so I can prove that the message I am delivering is indeed from the Lord?”

Joan: “I am not sure, if the Lord decides to give you powers, I suggest you don’t abuse them.”

Me: “I’ll do my best, but it will be tempting to be selfish.”

Joan: “I’m sure you’ll be able to control yourself.”

Me: “Since there is no longer any Christmas day, what will be the new major celebration?”

Joan: “The Lord’s day will be celebrated on October 23rd.”

Me: “That’s the first day you appeared to me.”

Joan: “It also marks the day of St. Peter’s birthday.”

Me: “What should the day be named?”

Joan: “The Day of the Rock.”

Me: “Perfect, since Peter means rock.”

Joan: “Exactly.”

Me: “What will the tradition be?”

Joan: “Every family is to place a large rock in the home; the rock will replace the tree. People are free to celebrate the rock as they please.”

Me: “Is Christmas the only celebration which is banned?”

Joan: “No! Lent is also forbidden. Jesus never spent forty days fasting in the desert. Jesus arrived at a village with his apostles and he tricked the women into following him into the desert for what he called a fasting. He said that he would prove to his followers that faith in him will allow them to survive any hardships. He led the women into the desert and had an orgy for forty days. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but there was no water except for his trouser fountain, if you get the picture!”

Me: “That guy was something else; definitely no more lent. Basically, we’re pretty much not going to celebrate anything that has to do with Jesus.”

Joan: “When people say, ‘what would Jesus do,’ they will be referring to making an evil decision.”

Me: “So we can say, ‘Osama Bin Laden asked himself, what would Jesus do before 9/11’?”

Joan: “Precisely!”

Me: “Do you have any more details?”

Joan: “The Lord wanted to avoid turning his day into a marketing holiday, but he understands the ways of the human being. Gifts will be allowed for children and special adults. The Lord wants any gift handed to someone on his day to be considered extremely special. Diamonds will be the preferred gift.”

Me: “Is that because they are called rocks?”

Joan: “Yes, and for the fact that Diamond is the birthstone for April; the month of the prophet. The Lord wants April 18th to be another celebrated day. It will be known as Prophet’s Day.”

Me: “Wow, we get our own day? That is amazing.”

Joan: “As far as the other holidays, people are free to celebrate as they see fit; except for Christian holidays, of course. Passover can remain a major holiday. People, who were formerly Muslim, may follow their old traditions, as well.”

Me: “What about Halloween? I know some religious nus believed that the holiday was associated with the devil.”

Joan: “Christmas is the devil’s day; Halloween is fine. The Lord is all about people enjoying themselves. I have another suggestion. The Lord didn’t say anything about this, but if people want to celebrate my birthday, on January 6th, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.”

Me: “I’ll be sure to mention the day and do my best to promote St. Joan’s Day!”

Joan: “Thank you!”

Me: “If anyone deserves their own day, it’s you.”

Joan: “The Lord understands the human traditions and He wants to take control of the marketing. The Lord decided to leave the creation of the myth, to you.”

Me: “What does he want me to create?”

Joan: “He wants you to create a myth which is better than the Santa Clause story. Teaching children to follow the Lord is essential to any faith.”

Me: “Are there any specific details I should include?”

Joan: “Just tie the story into October 23rd, and make it a great story. The lesson of acting properly should be conveyed through fear. The children must be afraid to misbehave, or else, there must be a penalty. The story should be ready for my visit next week.”

Me: “I’ll do my best!”

Joan: “I’m sure you will; I’ll see you next week.”

Joan disappeared.

@PeteTeix617

 

The Myth

A Lesson

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Heaven’s Angels

***If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, you won’t understand what this entry is about!***

     As expected, Joan returned the following evening. After some unmentionable activity, she revealed the word of the Lord.

Joan: “Before we discuss the laws, I want to talk about responsibility. The old God was patient with his prophets; he gave them the freedom to spread his message as they saw fit. Our new Lord will not accept insubordination.”

Me: “You don’t have to worry about that, I will dedicate my life to spreading his word.”

Joan: “Let me tell you a story about a man named Tom.”

Me: “Is this a story about one of God’s laws?”

Joan: “No! This is about your duties as a prophet. Tom was a regular fellow. His upbringing was normal; he came from a typical American family. Tom studied hard in school and landed a wonderful job at an Ivy League University. He was a hard worker who eventually earned a promotion to head the housing department. After four years on the job, Tom was asked to train a new assistant, Kelly; she was also a hard worker. The School’s President wanted Kelly to know everything about the job, in case Tom was unable to make it to work, on any given day. Tom thought it was a great idea, and for an entire month, he taught Kelly everything he knew. At the end of the month, the President asked Tom if Kelly was well trained. He answered, ‘She knows everything that I know.’ The President’s response was simple and cold. ‘Great; you’re fired and Kelly is your replacement’!”

Me: “That’s cold!”

Joan: “It’s practical. Tom made it to the top and lost the drive to continue working hard. Don’t make the same mistake; continue to carry out your mission, or you’ll be replaced.”

Me: “Message received; poor Tom. What about my question about the wives?”

Joan: “Definitely a big NO, on that one!”

Me: “Damn! Oh well.”

Joan: “Usually, the laws will be delivered to you in a story, but today I will allow you an opportunity to impress me; you will be asked to figure out the proper outcome.”

Me: “Ok; I think I’m up for the challenge!”

Joan: “Picture Dominique; she is young and has made a commitment to wait until she is married until she has intercourse. One night, Dominique walks home from a hard day on the job. She strolls through a nearby park and admires the bright stars illuminating the sky. Suddenly, an attacker appears from behind a large oak tree and savagely rapes her. The incident is the worst experience of her life. Adding lemon juice to the paper-cut, she discovers that she is pregnant. Do you think she should be allowed to have an abortion?”

Me: “In that instance, I would say it is completely up to her; no one can make that decision for her, especially not some former member of the Hitler youth, who now runs the Vatican!”

Joan: “The truth of the matter is, the woman is going to Hell regardless of her decision. The Bible clearly states that premarital-sex is a sin!”

Me: “WHAT? Are you kidding me?”

Joan: “Yes!”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “This isn’t the old God; the new Lord operates under common sense!”

Me: “Thank God!”

Joan: “As far as the Lord is concerned, a fetus is not a child; those who have abortions will not end up in Hell. Each woman has the right to make her own decision.”

Me: “You mentioned pre-marital sex; is that allowed?”

Joan: “Are we married?”

[I shook my head.]

Me: “Sorry for the dumb question.”

Joan: “It’s all about treating others with respect; people are free to do as they please. If two consenting adults have sex, so be it – just don’t come praying for a cure if you catch AIDS! The whining can get quite annoying!”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I completely understand; I like this new God!”

Joan: “We all do; it was so boring, before!”

Me: “Yeah, I had no desire to end up in the old Heaven.”

Joan: “Try this example. We have Chris and Tim; they are two gang members. One day, Chris’ younger Brother Mike, who was also in the gang, died at the hands of their rivals. Chris and Tim discovered who the triggermen were, because their girlfriends happened to be at the scene. The two women threatened to leave the men if they didn’t exact revenge. The foursome agreed that Chris and Tim should go out on a mission to kill the murderers. The longtime friends arrived on the enemy’s turf and unleashed a barrage of bullets; three rivals were murdered in cold blood. Years later, the friends left the gang life behind and turned to religion. They asked the Lord for forgiveness and married their girlfriends. The foursome founded an organization designed to prevent violence; they successfully saved thousands of youths from joining gangs. What should be the final judgment for each member of the foursome?”

Me: “I think the women would be forgiven for their involvement, but the men will probably end up in Hell for the murders.”

Joan: “The community work is great but it doesn’t matter because, in the end, each person in the foursome will end up with Jesus! Urging someone to kill is the same as murder. The law is thou shalt not kill; not thou can kill and then make up for it.”

Me: “Damn, that’s cold, but I guess it makes sense.”

Joan: “Avoid gangs, work hard, and listen to your parents.”

Me: “I’m with the whole avoiding gangs and working hard thing, but I have a problem with the listening to parents, part. What about the children whose parents are sinners? I think your stories don’t cover all aspects of life; maybe you need to go back to the drawing board. Why don’t you just give me a list of essential rules and we’ll go from there?”

Joan: “That’s actually not a bad idea. For now, post the story and I’ll talk to the big guy!”

Me: “Another problem I have with your story is that fact that it can actually happen. Aren’t religious stories supposed to be filled with a bunch of nonsense? Where are my impossible, living in a whale and burning down cities, details? Can I add a big gang war, where one gang kills all the members of the other gang, except for one infant who was hidden inside of the trunk of an old Honda? Maybe the baby can grow up and take down the rivals?”

Joan: “No, you can’t add your own details! This isn’t the old religion; we have to pass on information which makes sense.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll make sure people avoid gangs, but I definitely think the list of laws is the way to go.”

Joan: “I’ll let you know what the Lord decides!”

[She exited.]

God willing, there will be a list soon!

@PeteTeix617

 

The Laws

100 Things I Miss About Being Catholic

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

 *****POST NUMBER 100*****

     Here we are; the one-hundredth post. I didn’t think I’d live to see the day. (Seriously, religious people kill for far less than some of the things I wrote!) In some weird way, I have “god” to thank for the success of this blog. Without his “existence,” there would be no religion to speak of. (Thanks, mighty wizard in the sky!)

At first, I wasn’t sure how to celebrate this milestone, but I placed my faith in the big guy upstairs and the idea eventually came to me. (BIG thanks to the imaginary obese man who lives on my roof and sends down great ideas!)

Before I begin with the list, I want to thank all of the wonderful people who have supported this blog. I would list names, but if I forgot to mention someone, I would never forgive myself. (You know who you are!) The text messages, post comments, Facebook status updates, Twitter tweets, and in-person support has been phenomenal! I look forward to continuing the blog for at least another seven hundred fifty three thousand and forty-six posts. “Why that exact number?” Who knows!

This list will contain some of the aspects of my life as a member of the Catholic Church which I truly miss. I will first start with a few of the things that I missed out on due to my enlightenment! (Catholics may refer to my new lack of spirituality as, “the path to hell!”)

     Let it be known; this was a difficult list to compile. With so many wonderful things to miss about being Catholic, how could I ever expect to whittle the list down to a mere one-hundred?

**The Catholic Church promised that reading this list will not cause people to go to Hell. (Cost me a pretty penny to secure that promise!)**

     Here is the list: (If the list is not in alphabetical order, shake your device. *Be sure to shake well*)

1.       I MISSED OUT ON being able to drink myself into a stupor, act like an ass, bang some random slut, then upload a picture of Jesus to Facebook so I can show that I am a good person! (I really wanted to do that!)

2.       I MISSED OUT ON seeing the same girls from the club, showing up in their Sunday’s best. (I hope the tequila after-taste goes well with the “body of Christ!”)

3.       I MISSED OUT ON becoming a fanatical Christian and high-fiving the guys after each mass and yelling, “That was a kickass sermon!”

4.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to get a giant tattoo of a cross on my chest with the bottom shaped like an arrow. There would have been a sign which read, “If you think this cross is big, take a look down there!” (There would be another tattoo on my ankle which said, “Down here; Big feet!”)

5.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to cover the back bumper of my car with great quotes like, “Jesus is my co-pilot” and “Honk if you fuck Catholics!”

6.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to explain the facts to my children when they say, “hold on; this doesn’t make any goddamn sense, DAD! If Adam and Eve were the only two people in the world, and they only had two sons, where the Hell did everyone else come from?” (Sorry kids, Eve banged her sons, I guess!)

7.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to marry my sister. (After all, every female is my sister since we’re all “god’s” children, right?)

8.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to write a letter to my congressman, complaining about a future toy which I will deem inappropriate for my future child. (I wouldn’t have allowed Hasbro to promote their new, “Atheist Arthur” doll!)

9.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to be a parent who forces his children to believe in a magical wizard who allowed his enemies to kill his water-walking son for their sins. (Don’t feel guilty or anything, kids!)

10.   I MISSED OUT ON the new policy of allowing altar girls. (This ain’t your daddy’s Catholic Church!)

11.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to post Tweets containing lyrics from gangster rappers who are always mindful to praise the lord. (Don’t mind the murder lyrics!)

12.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to create a profile on Christianmingle.com (I might still give that one the old college try!)

13.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to follow his highness, the Pope, on Twitter! ()

14.   I MISSED OUT ON telling the younger Catholics about the great superhero, Jesus of Nazareth, who turned water into wine! (I promise to go back, if he can turn water into Johnnie Walker whiskey!)

15.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to hide the fact that I’m using the “lord’s” name in vain by writing “got damn” on social networking sites. (Believers are so tricky!)

16.   I MISSED OUT ON the day when a crazed man attacked a fellow worshipper on the altar! (I really wish I was there to see that!)

17.   I MISSED OUT ON listening to a sermon being preached by a priest who, not only had an IPhone, but banged more chicks from his congregation than any of the guys in the pews. (Am I lying?) I don’t know who the women are, but “god” bless them!

***

18.   I MISS being shushed, because I dared utter a word during mass! (I never hear when the director yells quiet on the set!)

19.   I MISS having to wait for Jesus to return; he was taking forever! (It’s almost as if he forgot!)

20.   I MISS being able to say, “I’m probably going to Hell for this,” after one of my many “ungodly” acts!

21.   I MISS being confused about the whole “’god’ be with you” comments when people separate. I thought “god” was everywhere; I didn’t know he actually chose where he would be based on who said what. (I guess I’ll never understand how that whole thing works!)

22.   I MISS looking forward to walking through the valley of the shadow of death, aka the gangster’s paradise. That would have been cool! (I didn’t even know Coolio was a gangster-Christian!)

23.   I MISS the long procession before the Mother’s day mass. (I didn’t know it was the mini Walk-for-hunger!)

24.   I MISS the candle lighting countdown that led to Christmas! (That has to be a fire hazard!)

25.   I MISS being forced to say the entire rosary. (“Don’t worry, the beads won’t take long; we’ll be done in seven hours tops; plus it’s fun!”)

26.   I MISS walking around with a dirty forehead on Ash Wednesday and having to explain to rational people that I am not crazy! (Good times!)

27.   I MISS laughing at the crazy scientists and there stupid “Evolution!” (In the past, I had no idea what those scientists were talking about!)

28.   I MISS praying. “Oh good ‘god;’ good super-duper wonderful merciless merciful ‘god,’ please allow me to win the lottery so I don’t have to work hard anymore.”

29.   I MISS having to wait until someone said, “Grace,” before I was allowed to eat. (Simply eating food without thanking “the lord” leaves me feeling incomplete, yet still full!)

30.   I MISS watching the hungry-hungry-hypocrites look-down upon one another while they were guilty of the same “sins!”

31.   I MISS listening to my fellow worshippers, complain about how long each mass was. (I guess I can understand, “god” forbid, anyone force them to actually have to devote some time to “the almighty,” whom they speak so highly of.)

32.   I MISS not having to work hard and simply asking “god” to give me things. If I didn’t get it, I knew it wasn’t “god’s” will. (Life was much simpler back then!)

33.   I MISS doing unbelievably idiotic things, then saying, “Only ‘god’ can judge me!” (I love that!)

34.   I MISS being able to take holy days off from work. (Sorry boss, its Spiritual Tuesday and the tavern is serving up specials all day; see you tomorrow!)

35.   I MISS sitting in the pew and attempting to become a master at “Extreme Simon Says.” Simon says, “Sit.” Simon says, “Stand.” Simon says, “Kneel.” Sit. Fuck! (You got me this time, you tricky Houdini priest!)

36.   I MISS braiding the palms during mass on Palm Sunday. Each year the design was getting better! (I probably would have been able to create a small scale accurate depiction of Noah’s Ark by now!)

37.   I MISS coming up with excuses for having to leave whenever forced asked to partake in the fun that is the rosary! (The beads were cool, though!)

38.   I MISS listening to ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey, and thinking about my never-ending belief in “god.” (I feel like I let the band down!)

39.   I MISS watching “god’s” good girls chase Satan’s bad boys! (If only their parents knew!)

40.   I MISS enjoying all of the presents on Christmas morning and completely forgetting about Jesus! (Sorry about that, dude!)

41.   I MISS looking forward to my death and attempting to sneak into Heaven’s backdoor. (You know I had the hook-up!)

42.   I MISS the shame of pre-marital sex! (Thankfully, the girl can carry the shame for the two of us!)

43.   I MISS the fear I had whenever it was time to take the Eucharist; we all know, I was never free from sin. (“Only say the words and I shall be healed.” That always seemed like a set-up to me!)

44.   I MISS being able to blame “god” whenever something went wrong in my life! (No excuses now!)

45.   I MISS giving all praise to “god,” when it was me who did everything on my own! (I guess from now on, I’ll have to take credit for my future success!)

46.   I MISS the pedophile priest jokes from anti-Catholic friends who enjoyed the scandals more than the priests enjoyed the boys. (We can talk about that freely, right?)

47.   I MISS hearing the priest say, “Fodemos irmaos,” then hearing the faithful reply, “Ovinu sinhor!” (I’m not sure I got that right, it’s been a while since I attended!)

48.   I MISS the Fanduka Fest. That is the name we gave to the Church’s annual Mother’s Day festival; it was named in honor of one of the nuns! (Church girls are hot; the laity, not the nuns!)

49.   I MISS being told I am going to Hell. Who am I kidding; the Catholics still remind me of their continued wishful thinking! (Thanks, believers!)

50.   I MISS feeling comfortable inside of a church. My last visit was in June for a family wedding and there was a definite sense of uneasiness. (You might call it, LOGIC!)

51.   I MISS being afraid of Exorcism. (Just kidding; those movies still scare the crap out of me!)

52.   I MISS lying to the priest during confession. “I only said a bad word, and I didn’t listen to my mother, one time!” (He bought it hook, line, and sinker!)

53.   I MISS “donating” money to the Church. (Really, are two collections during mass, necessary?)

54.   I MISS the great hymns. (I have a wonderful singing voice, if I do say so myself!)

55.   I MISS saying, “You’re going to Hell!” (And meaning it!)

56.   I MISS the wonderful flavor-challenged snack that the priest handed out during mass. (Sunday morning breakfast hasn’t been the same!)

57.   I MISS fearing that the Pope would excommunicate me from the church! (Now, I look forward to that occasion!)

58.   I MISS being accepted by the masses. (It’s so lonely out here in reality world!)

59.   I MISS the good old days, when Mary Magdalene was a whore. (Damn you, Dan Brown!)

60.   I MISS having my brain washed every Sunday; it’s so dirty now! I hope someone will be able to get me some of that wonderful shampoo. (I think it was called “holy water!”)

61.   I MISS being forced to wear a dress robe while helping mass. (Cross-dressing is not my thing!)

62.   I MISS blaming the Jews for killing Jesus! (How the Romans escaped blame, is amazing to me!)

63.   I MISS having no rational explanation for the religion, and answering people who questioned my undying loyalty with the old staple, “It’s a faith thing; you wouldn’t understand!”

64.   I MISS being forced to attend mass! (Those Sunday morning beatings sucked!)

65.   I MISS getting destroyed on Christmas Eve, then showing up to mass to catch the let-out! I can’t forget the time when my friend threw up on one of the bushes. (Talk about a burning bush!)

66.   I MISS being chosen as one of the Altar All Stars, who were selected to serve mass during special occasions! (Please pick me; I’m good!)

67.   I MISS arguing about sports on the back steps of the church and being told to keep it down by one of the adult males who hung-out in the back! (Leave us alone!)

68.   I MISS arriving to the Church just for the let-out. (Better than any club I ever went to!)

69.   I MISS arriving five minutes before the conclusion of mass and sneaking to my seat! (“Yes, the talk about Jesus being good was awesome; I loved today’s magic trick!”)

70.   I MISS the squeaky door at the back of the church, which had to be opened carefully to avoid announcing my late arrival! (What are you people looking at; I’m trying my best, goddamnit?)

71.   I MISS knowing that Jesus loved me, simply because the bible told me so. (Great song!)

72.   I MISS saying, “My ‘god’ is better than your ‘god’.” (I always won!)

73.   I MISS fearing “god.” He was always firm, but fair! (Great guy!)

74.   I MISS feeling guilty about lying after swearing to “god” when appealing a traffic violation! (Good morning, your honor; black is becoming on you!)

75.   I MISS being able to use the Church as an excuse for my “abstinence.” (by choice, of course!)

76.   I MISS being manipulated into doing bad deeds by the devil; that guy was nothing but trouble! (Who do I blame now?)

77.   I MISS saying really hurtful things about people, but thinking it was alright because I prefaced each statement with, “’god’ forgive me.” (I love when others do that!)

78.   I MISS the period in my youth when I was confused and I started to treat women like shit because I truly believed that “All dogs go to heaven.” (That’s all you’re getting from this pimpin’!)

79.   I MISS the period when I realized the true meaning of the phrase and roamed the streets, running into starving stray-dogs; I would rub them under the chin and say, “Don’t worry little fella. Things will get better; all dogs go to heaven!” (No, don’t worry; God doesn’t like Vick!)

80.   I MISS being afraid of the devil! (Satan was a worthy adversary, but “god” always kicked his ass!)

81.   I MISS being able to hate people who were different. (Things will never be the same!)

82.   I MISS being shocked and appalled when I heard someone mention that they were an atheist! (The good old days!)

83.   I MISS forgetting that I wasn’t supposed to eat meat on Friday’s during lent. (Oops! Was that today?)

84.   I MISS giving up Catholicism for 40 days during lent! (Religion was the one thing that I truly loved the most!)

85.   I MISS hating South Park because of the way the writers portrayed Jesus. (I wanted to laugh out loud, but I felt guilty so I laughed inside!)

86.   I MISS being able to say, “’god’ bless you.” (“Gesundheit,” is so difficult to pronounce properly!)

87.   I MISS hot chicks sitting on my lap in the small crowded Confraternity of Christian Doctrine classrooms, in the nun’s house. (I especially miss thinking to myself, “Please don’t get hard please don’t get hard!”)

88.   I MISS watching a childhood friend get expelled from Catholic school because he had the audacity to carry a condom in his book bag. (Thank “god” he wasn’t lynched!)

89.   I MISS being banned from using condoms because his royal majesty, the Pope, doesn’t allow the practice! (Hello AIDS!)

90.   I MISS being forced to be against abortions! (Now, I can kill at will!)

91.   I MISS having a brother and a dad, who were the same person, invisible, and a ghost, at the same time. (I was so confused!)

92.   I MISS the ability to drink myself into a coma, only to wake up with a monstrous hang-over which caused me to promise “god” that I would never drink again! (Stay thirsty my friends!)

93.   I MISS being forced into cannibalism. Why they wanted me to eat my “brother,” Jesus, I have no clue! (Hmm, this meet is mighty tender!)

94.   I MISS being forced to “volunteer” at church events by my god-fearing parents and relatives. (Thanks again guys; college football is the devil’s work, anyways!)

95.   I MISS watching the guilt and shame that appeared on the faces of the unwed-teen moms and their parents as they walked down the aisle before mass. (Talk about your “walk-of-shame!”)

96.   I MISS the closet gay guys who preached to the boys about brotherly love. Sorry buddy, this isn’t Philadelphia; take that shit somewhere else! (That situation is destined to end badly!)

97.   I MISS being hypnotized by the sweet symphonic chimes, coming from the bells held by the synchronized altar boys. (Those guys should start a band!)

98.   I MISS praying to “god,” wishing that he would help my team win the big game, and then cursing his good name when they fell short! (I will never forgive you for the 49ers Super Bowl win against the Broncos!)

99.   I MISS feeling guilty every time I said the word “FUCK.” (It’s just a word people!)

100.   I MISS being loved by “god!” *TEAR ROLLS DOWN CHEEK*

Thanks again, “Big Guy!”

*************************************************************************************

     I know this was a long post, but constructing a list of twenty five, or fifty didn’t seem appropriate! (I hope this was both, un-offensive and enjoyable!)

For those of you, who don’t have a blog on wordpress.com, I’ll share one of the little pleasures of the site. Once a post is completed and published, the number of the entry is revealed and the site always adds a congratulatory word of encouragement. Yesterday’s post was “Super!” (For today’s word, I’ll have to post then comeback and edit.)

The word for my one-hundredth post is: Fabulous (Thanks guys! I agree; it truly is Fabulous!)

@PeteTeix617

Twitter v Facebook

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

The two dollar and fifty cent question is, “Which is better?” (For those of you who ball harder than $2.50…Congrats!)

Obviously, the answer to the BIG question is completely subjective. Deciding which is better is also based on who your friends are! (There is no way of knowing which social media site is better without experiencing each one firsthand!) To me, deciding which site is better, would be like asking me which of my posts is my favorite! (Blog Posts are not like children; you can choose between them! My favorite post has to be July 4th’s entry, ‘Why I Cry On The 4th of July!’ If you haven’t already…you know the drill!)

My true preference would be to erase both accounts and live a life of bliss, without either social media site. “Then why don’t you, jackass?” Wow, I didn’t know social media meant so much to you. Sorry I revealed my true feelings!

The reason I have both accounts is my goal of publishing my first novel. The novel is also the reason I started this blog in the first place. (Maybe I’ll write a blurb about my book for one of next week’s posts in order to get some feedback from people on whether or not the story is of interest!) I was completely against social media before I joined, but now realize how useful the sites can be.

“Which is better?” Sorry, I’ll get to the point!

I joined Facebook before I actually joined Facebook. “What the hell does that mean?” My cousin Nira created the page for me, and when people started interacting with my page, I was forced to join. (The truth is, I was planning on joining eventually…she sort of SPED-up the process!) I actually enjoyed Facebook in the beginning. The site is a great way to keep in contact with my wonderful family and friends. Facebook is also the world’s foremost reminder of birthdays! There are some funny people in my circle and I enjoy their daily shenanigans!

“Why did you say you enjoyed Facebook in the beginning? Did something change?” YES! I revealed the fact that I was an ATHEIST!

There are some wonderful people who are capable of fearing “god” and finding a place in their hearts for me. These people give me hope that the future of religion will not be to convert others. Future religionists will find a way to love their respective deities without being intolerant of others! To those special Facebook friends, I say, THANKS…You’re the best!

     If I am atheist, do I not bleed? (I watch way too much Seinfeld!)

     If you have a problem with my religious choice, or lack thereof, pray for me! If your “god” is as wonderful as you say, he’ll find a way to touch me. (I hope not through a priest! *Fingers Crossed* ***SUPER CROSSED***)

It’s awful when religion can change the way people treat one another. In fact, it’s sad. Disliking someone because of religion is more depressing than listening to James Blunts’ ‘Goodbye My Lover’ after a crushing break-up! (I challenge anyone to play the song while looking at a picture of a former lover! **Talk about waterworks!**)

I don’t like the fact that my Facebook, sometimes, has a church feel to it. There are the few outlaws who keep me thoroughly entertained, but I can do without the “god” is good comments, and Jesus pictures? (I’m not suggesting that people accommodate me, I’m just saying I can do without the Jesufication of Facebook! Yes, I made that word up. Don’t bother googling it!) Save the Jesufication for your profile on Christian Mingle!  I’m not saying people shouldn’t post whatever they want, but for my preference, social media should be a place where people escape and have a fun time! (I appreciate the fact that the very aspects of my Facebook which put a damper on my experience may enhance someone else’s day, which is the main reason why I don’t post comments on what the religious folk write.)

Twitter is a completely different animal! Like everyone else, whenever I was asked to join Twitter, I would reply, “I don’t want to know when everyone is using the bathroom or combing their hair!” (The last statement is truly the average perception of Twitter from people who don’t have an account! Everyone has said something similar at least once in their life…we’re all guilty!) Obviously, there are some random tweets about basic daily functions, but for the most part, Twitter is wonderful! Not only do you get to see how ridiculous your friends are, but it’s a great way to interact with celebrities, or favorite athletes! Twitter is a place where people are truly insane! To understand Twitter is to experience Twitter! It’s completely about fun, although there are those who take some of the comments personally, but that’s their own hang-up. (People need to stop being so overly sensitive and dramatic!)

Honestly, when it comes to social media, there is no better site! Each one has great attributes, and will allow people to connect with family and friends. As far as the writing industry, Twitter and Facebook both provide great opportunities to connect with helpful people. Although, when it comes to the “best movie based on a social media site” category, Facebook is unmatched. At the end of the day, my smart phone allows me to use both Facebook and Twitter easily, and I urge others to do the same. (Just leave your problems at Facebook…Twitter is about having a great time!)

I would give examples of great tweets from the people I follow on Twitter, but their words are for their followers. My words are for the world to enjoy, or be repulsed by! Here are some of my favorite tweets!

I will add a couple tweets from one person I follow, @Jesus_M_Christ! That’s right folks; Jesus has a Twitter account! It’s not what you think…the M stands for motherfuckin’, and he is hilarious!

     @Jesus_M_Christ: I don’t know why I’m always in paintings with children. I hung around with prostitutes and outcasts, priests are the ones that like kids.

     Best benefit of being able to heal yourself? NO CONDOMS!

     Follow the guy…HE’S HILARIOUS!

 

     Now for some of my favorite Pete Tweets:

     My wallet thinks taking a chick out to dinner before sex is a mild form of prostitution! #walletssaythedarndestthings

     There is a possibility that semen can cure the common cold. Any lady looking to participate in a scientific research project. DM me ASAP! (For those who are not on Twitter, DM means direct message!)

     For the foreseeable future, Miami Hurricanes football will be downgraded to a level 1 tropical storm! #TheU

     “All I wanna do is zooma-zoom-zoom-zoom in a boom-boom” It’s funny when random songs pop into your head!

     STDs…You want ‘em, I got ‘em #hitmeup!

     I wish prostitutes were more reasonable…an extra $50 bucks for no condom? It’s not like they’re going to catch anything!

     Sucks for microsoft, I had to #Google bing to find out what it was!

     Wondering if banging her could be considered a homosexual act. #ForTheSport

     Parking 5 streets away so people don’t see your car in front of her spot. #ForTheSport

     “Doesn’t she look like she was in ‘the blind side’?” Sandra bullock? “No, Michael Oher!” #ForTheSport

     My AIDS ruined my day! Wait, is that spelled right? I’m talking about my two helpers.

     I like my women like I like the circus…big top and leaving town in two weeks!

     Writing peterteixeira.wordpress.com, I slept like a baby last night! A newborn baby, waking up every two hours, yelling and screaming!

     “I prayed every night for a new bike. I realized that the lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me”EmoPhilips

     “Don’t pray in my school, and I won’t think in your church” atheist quotes

     “Atheism is a non-prophet organization” – unknown (Atheist quotes)

     FYI: take your problems to #facebook – twitter is for entertainment… we don’t give a shit!

     Just washed my lucky condom! Royal Wedding – IT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!!!

     I wanna #BagUp and have twins. I’ll be forced to call them: “Siemar” = CMR (cash money records) “siembee” = CMB (cash money ballers)

     What the hell is in this thing? Why can’t I pick this little #BagUp

     #menshealth: Inserting your penis into a new vagina daily will decrease stress and increase overall health. *side effects = AIDS #BagUp

     AIDS test in an hour. I studied all night! *crosses fingers*

     Drunk guys pick chicks like I pick cars… all about the automatics – no standards! #4thesporttweet

     “You hang ‘em, we bang ‘em” great phrase when talking about hitting homeruns. Horrible phrase when talking about slavery!

     What?… dinner and movie. – sorry, I don’t do that on the first date! #morals

     In 1989, my allowance got me 1000 shares in pussy @ 65.36 Saving it for marriage my ass. Just checked nasdaq PUS is @5.01 FUCK!

     Kids, stay in school or you’ll work @mcdonalds. No such thing as double quarter pounder. 1/4+1/4=2/4 simplified 1/2 pounder #whyUneedmath

     Watching the Bruins on telemundo… Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal! 3-0.

     Playing for Denver Broncos, meeting hot 17 year old, not touching her #morals. Waiting for her 18th bday to smash #welcometothedmv patience

 

*****I HOPE THESE TWEETS PROVIDED SOME FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT! AM I SICK IN THE HEAD? ONLY “GOD” CAN KNOW! EXCEPT FOR ROBINSON FROM THE YANKEES, HE CANO!*****

     P.S. The aforementioned outlaws who are my friends on Facebook, I hope the tweets above inspire you to join Twitter…it’s where your outrageous status updates really belong! I would name some of you, but you know who you are!!!

 

@PeteTeix617!

A Conversation With Kevin

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

*This is an actual account of events that happened last night. This post was written and saved into my drafts. I experienced every detail during a blackout episode. (No, I wasn’t drinking, ASSHOLE!) When I came to, the post was finished but for some reason, I can add to the piece only; I can’t make any editorial changes. (I definitely wanted to make some edits!) CRAZIEST EXPERIENCE EVER!!!

[I am in my room, I’m not alone.]

Female Companion: “It’s ok…that happens to most guys!”

Me: “I swear this never happens!”

Female Companion: “Ok, I guess I’m going to takeoff now. Are you about to go to sleep?”

Me: “No! I’ll probably watch the Gators game.”

Female Companion: “I didn’t know they played this late.”

Me: “They don’t, I have the game recorded on my DVR.”

Female Companion: “Damn, I guess you really are a fan.”

Me: “Yeah, text me when you get home.”

Female Companion: “OK, I will.”

[I get dressed, walk her out, then return to my room and sit on the couch. She goes off to some other guy’s house!]

I turn on the television and watch the Gators dominate! (I honestly record most of the Gators’ games on my DVR and watch them whenever I am bored! GO GATORS!) The Gators are leading by a score of 28-0. Starting quarterback John Brantley is marching the offense towards another touchdown when, suddenly, the DirecTV box shuts-off and I am left to watch a blank screen.

Me: “No fucking way! It’s not even raining. If this box starts malfunctioning like the Comcast box, I’m going to…”

[The light begins to turn on and off. It’s as if someone is deliberately playing with the switch, but I am alone.]

Me: “What the hell is going on?”

[I hear a familiar laughter from my past.]

Me: [Scared out of my mind.] “Is that really you?”

Voice: “Yes, it’s me, Fanta.”

Me: “Is this real…what the heck are YOU doing here?”

Voice: “I’m just playing, it’s me!” [Kevin appears. He is laughing hysterically! For some reason, even though he is a ghost, I don’t feel any sense of fear!]

Me: [Laughing] “Dude, you’re an idiot!” [I fold my arms and stare him in the eyes.] “Really? This is how you’re going to show up?”

Kevin: [Standing before me in a speedo.] “What? I’ve been working out.”

Me: “C’mon man, get the fuck out of here with that shit!”

Kevin: [Laughs and switches to more presentable clothing.] “Damn, still in love! You have to let her go man!” [Laughs]

Me: “Yo, you’re dead! When are you going to let that Fanta story go?”

Kevin: “Never!”

Me: [Shaking my head.] “Some people never grow up! This is weird. Were you here the whole night? Were you spying on me while I was smashing? That’s creepy! ”

Kevin: “NO! I just got here. You didn’t think I was going to let that Gators’ game play? Florida’s wack.”

Me: “Notre Dame FUCKING SUCKS! You sure you aren’t a dead peeping Tom? I can swear I heard some creep whisper, ‘give her a stroke for me.’”

Kevin: “Your dumb. Who was that…your girl?”

Me: “Na man.”

Kevin: “It’s cool, you can claim her. Who lives here now?”

Me: “Me, Dough, and G. D-I-X is done. This is where the magic happens!”

Kevin: “Yeah right. What’s good with you and your wifey who just left?”

Me: “No wifey. I’m just chilling right now. No time for a girl—I’m on my paper chase. Plus, we’re off to LA in January.”

Kevin: “Who?”

Me: “I’m going with E and cousin C.”

Kevin: [Laughs…he can barely control himself.] “Cousin C! What’s good with him?”

Me: “He’s chillin’. Just working and getting ready to make this move.”

Kevin: “The three of you guys? Talk about no buns!”

Me: “Yeah aight!”

Kevin: “That’s good J’s around. LA huh? That’s ill. Hold on a second.” [He looks around the bedroom.] “Where is the condom wrapper?”

Me: “Yeah, where did that thing go?”

Kevin: “Raw-dawg! You’re trying to have a baby?”

Me: “Hell NO! And I’m definitely not taking any shit from the raw-dawg king.”

Kevin: “That’s an allegation…I always strapped up.”

Me: “Yeah, me too! But for real, I try not to use condoms for two reasons. One, the Pope is against the use of condoms and, two, I love the environment and I know how much damage can be caused by latex!”

Kevin: “You’re dumb. Anyone slip up and have kids?”

Me: “Slip up? You’re an asshole. Children are wonderful and the parents should feel lucky to bring them into this world.”

Kevin: “My fault.” [We laugh.]

Me: Yeah, there are a bunch of kids out here. Go haunt someone else and find out. From the male cousins it’s only Zep, Dough, and D; D is the only one with a boy!”

Kevin: “Yeah? Dudes don’t wanna strap up. Huh? Zep and Dough have girls…I hope they got the shotgun ready?”

Me: “I hope so. You know we don’t take care of your kids, right?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Allegations, allegations!”

Me: “What’s good with death? Do you get to mash out a bunch of smuts?”

Kevin: “Nah, this body isn’t real. When we come back to earth we can appear as our old selves, but we don’t exist in the physical form.”

Me: “So you’re just a mind floating around?”

Kevin: “Yeah, basically.”

Me: “Is there a heaven and hell with god and the devil?”

Kevin: “Yeah. God was going to send me to hell, but I convinced him to let me go to heaven. He said I need someone to vouch for me so, for now, I have to stay in purgatory. Then when Nel dies, I can get him to hook me up!”

Me: [Laugh] “Are you fucking with me?”

Kevin: “For real. We sat there and reviewed my life. I had to explain everything.”

Me: “So how did you come here, if you’re waiting for Nel?”

Kevin: “Na, I’m just joking. There is no heaven of hell—no god or devil.”

Me: [Laugh] “Damn, I was about to go tell Nel to hurry up cause you’re waiting on him. So what happens when you die? I know you can’t help out ND, cause they suck ass!”

Kevin: “Yeah, I thought god would help ND win. If I knew there was no god, I would’ve picked a different team!”

Me: [Banging my index finger against my palm.] “You see this…see the stars? 25 all-Americans!” [He Laughs] “What really happens?”

Kevin: “Once you die, your spirit leaves your body, but no one runs the afterlife. Everyone is free, but we have no bodies. The people who have been around the longest are always around to help out with info, but no one knows everything. There are almost an infinite number of planets and we can go to any just by thinking about it. Since we are just minds, the travel is basically instant. It’s hard to enter a planet that has aliens because you can only enter with someone who is from the planet.”

Me: “So there are aliens?”

Kevin: “Yeah. I don’t come to earth cause it’s not easy. I have to be invited by a psychic or I can come with someone else who is invited. That’s how I came; one of my boys was called by his sister.”

Me: “What about all the people we know that died?”

Kevin: “They’re straight. No suffering after death. We all have a connection because we knew each other, so we can always meet up.”

Me: “So you can communicate with them whenever you want?”

Kevin: “Yeah, it’s easy. Usually I just travel from planet to planet and try and meet someone who can let me in so I can see how aliens live. We can enter any planet without life, so whenever I feel like remembering the past, I’ll go to one and see the memories.”

Me: “Can you actually see what happened?”

Kevin: “Yeah. You can relive the whole experience; it’s crazy. I can watch everything I did during my life, and if I meet up with someone I know, we can connect minds and I can share their memories. It’s almost like letting someone borrow a dvd.”

Me: “Let’s get back to the smashing. You’re telling me there is no sex in the champagne room?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “No, we can’t have sex, but you can connect with a chick and see her past; it’s better than you think!”

Me: “So let me get this straight. You died in 2006, right?”

Kevin: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s 2011. So what you’re telling me is, you didn’t get any ass for the past five years!”

Kevin: [Laughs] “C’mon man, no one can smash.”

Me: [I laugh so much, I literally roll on the ground.] “YOU GET NO ASS!!!”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Na, I meet chicks. I’ve seen some crazy stuff.”

Me: “Damn. I can’t believe you died and went to the Friend Zone. You’re actually trying to tell me that you meet chicks and watch some other dude bang them out? Sounds like fun.”

Kevin: [laughs] “You get no ass!”

Me: “I smell like pussy right now. My fault, you forgot what it smells like.”

Kevin: “Chill, Chill.”

Me: “Damn, that’s crazy though. What happens to the people who never had sex?”

Kevin: “They’ll never be able to experience it.”

Me: “It must suck to follow the laws of a god that doesn’t exist, and then find out that you did it all for nothing. I guess you were right…People need to live it up, because our memories will stay with us for eternity.”

Kevin: “Yeah, it’s crazy. Some people have boring lives and they just hang around earth, too scared to leave and explore. They are the ones who do all the haunting. It usually takes a psychic to get them to leave earth.”

Me: “You know what I always wonder about? You can see earth from space right?”

Kevin: “Yeah.”

Me: “Does my dick block the view?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Yeah right.”

Me: “You can keep it real with me!” [We laugh.] “This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m talking to you.”

Kevin: “What you missed me?”

Me: “Na man, I’m like David Ortiz with a hanging curve ball…I don’t miss.”

Kevin: “What’s good with my little sis?”

Me: “Aw man, she’s fucking up!”

Kevin: “For real?”

Me: “Na, I’m fucking with you. She’s good. In fact, she replaced you…we don’t need you anymore. You know what? I don’t know why I never thought of this before—From now on, I’ll take out my anti Notre Dame comments on her!”

Kevin: “That’s good; I have to go check on everyone else.”

Me: “How long can you stay?”

Kevin: “It’s up to me but, honestly, I just wanted to check in real quick. I can catch up with everyone in the future; there’s a whole new world.”

Me: “That’s great Aladdin! I guess that makes sense.”

Kevin: “What’s good with a cruise, did you hit one up yet?”

Me: “Not yet, but I’ll go soon.”

Kevin: “You’re slacking. Did you ever end up going on a better trip than the Jamaica one?”

Me: “Hell no! That was classic. Remember the chick from Worcester?”

Kevin: “Of course. She was a Kel seven! What’s good with the Peter Parkas?”

Me: [Laugh] “There are no parkas! You know I’m going to write about this convo, so we shouldn’t keep talking about Jamaica.”

Kevin: “Damn, I hate talking to people who are on lock!”

Me: “Definitely not on lock…just trying to be respectful.”

Kevin: “”What’s good with Latin…still spanking English?”

Me: “Yeah, we killed them this year. 54-12. Coach Mac had the team kneeling with almost seven minutes to go! Yo, you missed out, your boy Shaq was with the Celtics last year.”

Kevin: “Damn, yo yo yo, shaq is big!” [We laugh.]

Me: “Yo, we still have to discuss Tebow, the two national championships, and ND’s championship drought.”

Kevin: “Yo, I’m out. Bag Up!”

[He disappears.]

Me: “This fucking guy!” [Shaking my head.]

[The End]

*Ok, so I fibbed. This is not an actual account. This is one of the many possible scenarios for the afterlife. No one can know exactly what happens!

For those who don’t know, Fanta is the name of a girl who attended elementary school with me. One day, we were in the kitchen drinking a bottle of Fanta soda and I mentioned this fact. Since then, there has been an inside joke that I was in love with her!

Kevin was the best of us! Instead of wasting time missing him, I like to think about past events and how much fun we had together. Old habits are hard to break; in the past, every time something negative happened to Notre Dame, I would call him and we’d have a brief conversation! I still reach for the phone whenever something negative happens to Notre Dame. Some people have the ability to affect your life more than you can imagine! We strive everyday to live up to the standard that he set. Each day, I can hear his voice challenging me to do something amazing. I’m Trying!

If there is a future meeting with Kevin, I look forward to continuing the conversation. We really need to talk about Tebow!

Notre Dame SUCKS! GO GATORS!!!

@PeteTeix617

Why Is Her Face Covered

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I received a text containing an interesting website. psychologytoday.com. I came across several great articles and I was compelled to write about one in particular. The Mystery of the Veil, by Jaime Booth Cundy sparked this post.

In the article, Cundy discusses a new Belgium law which bans the covering of one’s face in public. Clearly, the law is designed to prevent Muslim women form wearing their traditional headdress, the Niqab and Burqa. The proponents of the law claim they are attempting to improve women’s rights, but I agree with Cundy, who suggests there is no difference between forcing a woman to wear a headdress and forbidding a woman from wearing one. It should be the woman’s right to decide whether or not she wants to wear a headdress.

The article is interesting and Cundy makes some great points. (I suggest googling the title and reading the article.) It is funny what happens when humans use religious texts to promote their own views. Islam is actually an extremely peaceful and tolerant religion, but the world perception is completely opposite because of a few extremists and a fundamental misinterpretation of the text. The true Muslim has a duty to follow in the tradition of the Prophet. (Obviously, I don’t believe in the Qur’an or the teachings of the Prophet Mohammad, but I know enough about the faith to voice an opinion.)

Mohammad considered women his equals; the downgraded role of women in Islam is the result of the Caliphs (leaders) who followed the prophet. Mohammad’s wives did not wear the veil until after he died. The veil was actually part of the Christian tradition; it was a sign of being a member of the upper-class, and was not required by the religion. The Qur’an commands people to dress moderately, not veiled. Some conservative man made the decision to force women to wear the coverings in public, based on his interpretation and the tradition was passed to future generations.

The Prophet’s wives were allowed to participate in the religious discussions; they were active and respected members of the faith. (Yeah, I said wives. You didn’t think a guy would be given the title of God’s Prophet and not use it to have more than one woman, did you?) Polygamy is technically allowed in Islam, but men must treat each wife equally, which is impossible, so it is unusual to find a Muslim man with more than one wife. (There is an interesting documentary named Women of Islam, I suggest people view it!) The belief in Islam is, men are responsible for providing for the family, but the interpretation was determined by men who lived in a misogynistic society. It is interesting to note that the first written copies of the Qur’an were given to the wives of Mohammad after his death in 632CE.

Professor Leila Ahmad is an educated woman who is leading the movement to provide a current interpretation of the Qur’an. The hope is that Muslim women will be given more rights in the Islamic world. She probably won’t be able to make the changes which she desires, but there is hope that a young lady who follows in her footsteps will be able to remove the negative aspects from the religion. The women of Islam enjoyed greater freedoms until the Caliphs, who followed Mohammed, changed the tradition and forced women to become second class citizens. One of the Prophet’s wives, Aisha actually led Muslims in battle after Mohammad died. There is no sexism in the Qur’an; the sexism comes from the male interpretations.

Before we judge a woman wearing a Muslim headdress and feel sorry for her, we need to keep in mind that, “We may not understand why, we can point out that according to our interpretation of the Qur’an it does not say that a woman must remain covered, but yet there are women in the world that believe that they should be fully covered, and they make the choice to do so.  What are we saying to these women if we tell them that they are brainwashed, or that they are misinterpreting their own religion?  Are we not telling them that they aren’t intelligent enough, or free enough, to make their own decisions?” –Cundy.

The problem with religion is the fact that people become insane. The faith becomes more important than their family members. “What the HELL is an Honor killing?” For those who are unfamiliar with the practice, honor killings occur when one member of a family decides to kill another family member who he feels has dishonored the family name. This usually occurs when a father or brother kills a female form the family who cheats on her husband or has premarital sex. Honor killings are usually unreported and unpunished. (There are places in the world where the practice is widely accepted and encouraged.) Nothing says honor like killing your daughter! Honor killings have nothing to do with Islam; they are the result of misinterpretation of the text.

There are many horrible examples of honor killings, but I will only mention one which I found particularly disturbing:

“Kifaya Husayn, a 16-year-old Jordanian girl, was lashed to a chair by her 32-year-old brother. He gave her a drink of water and told her to recite an Islamic prayer. Then he slashed her throat. Immediately afterward, he ran out into the street, waving the bloody knife and crying, ‘I have killed my sister to cleanse my honor.’ Kifaya’s crime? She was raped by another brother, a 21-year-old man. Her judge and jury? Her own uncles, who convinced her eldest brother that Kifaya was too much of a disgrace to the family’s honor to be allowed to live. The murderer was sentenced to fifteen years, but the sentence was subsequently reduced to seven and a half years, an extremely severe penalty by Jordanian standards.”

A new phenomenon, which is a direct result of the honor killings, is vaginal rejuvenation surgery. “What the heck is that?” This is when a woman pays a plastic surgeon to restore her hymen. (Now that’s what I call a born again virgin!) Women from the Middle East travel to the United States in search of a better education; while here, they have premarital sex, a result of assimilating into our “superior” culture. These women pay to restore their hymen so when they return to their homes, their husbands will not be able to discover the truth about their sexual pasts. In some cultures, the mother-in-law will examine the woman to see if she is worthy enough to marry her son. If a daughter is returned to her father because she was deemed to be impure, the father will usually kill her. Honorably of course!

Although I do not believe in any religion, I think it is important to make a clear distinction between the true heart of a religion before we make judgments. Islam is a tolerant, peaceful, pro-woman religion; it’s the men who changed the original teachings of the prophet in order to take control. The next time you hear someone say, “I don’t like Islam because women are mistreated.” You’ll understand that the mistreatment of women is not a part of the actual religion.

From the point of view of someone who does not practice religion, I can only ascertain that the goal of most religions is to separate. We may view the honor killings as an extreme practice, but we must not forget that religion causes Christian fathers to disown their unmarried pregnant daughters, which I consider a lesser form of honor killing.

Knowledge and understanding are the keys to change! Not Barack Obama, “he is a long-legged Mack Daddy!” (YouTube ‘Barack Obama is a Mack Daddy’…I love those videos! Pastor Manning is insane! RELIGION IS AWESOME!)

For tomorrow’s post, I will discuss another article from the website which I found truly enlightening!

@PeteTeix617