Tag Archives: Apostles

Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 3

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Season 2: Episode 1   Episode 2

INT. BARTHOLOMEW’S APARTMENT

Simon wasn’t home, but Judas found him at Bartholomew’s place.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s up mas puto.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

What the hell does that mean?

SIMON

We’re not really sure, but we think it means super gay, in Spanish.

JUDAS

When did you guys start speaking Spanish?

SIMON

My neighbor was clowning around with his friends and I picked it up.

JUDAS

I’m definitely not mas puto.

BARTHOLOMEW

I agree. The jury is still out on you; you’re mas o menos puto.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

What the hell is that?

BARTHOLOMEW

I just made it up. I remember mas o menos from high school Spanish class. That has to be the Spanish version of bisexual.

JUDAS

You would know.

BARTHOLOMEW

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So what did you want to talk about?

JUDAS

I wanted to get in contact with Heather so I could find out what caused her to create these lies.

SIMON

That’s a good idea. If you want I can call her to come over.

JUDAS

Yeah, that’s probably best.

Simon calls Heather and she agrees to meet the guys. An hour later, she arrives and Simon walks her into the apartment.

HEATHER

Simon tells me that you have a problem with me.

JUDAS

I just want to know why you decided to make up lies about me and Dan.

HEATHER

What lies?

JUDAS

I’m serious. I don’t even know you and I’m trying to understand why you did what you did; are you crazy or something?

HEATHER

Are you seriously going to sit there and say that you don’t know me?

JUDAS

The first time I met you was at the bar.

HEATHER

I can’t believe it; you are the biggest asshole ever.

SIMON

I concur.

BARTHOLOMEW

I too agree with the lady’s proclamation.

JUDAS

Thank you, gentlemen!

Everyone laughs.

HEATHER

You really don’t remember me?

JUDAS

No, crazy woman!

HEATHER

Take a look at this.

Heather reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo. Judas grabs the picture and studies it.

JUDAS

Is this Caesars?

HEATHER

Yeah, it’s from three years ago.

JUDAS

I remember you!

SIMON

You guys know each other?

HEATHER

That’s what I’ve been trying to say.

BARTHOLOMEW

Why were you lying?

JUDAS

I wasn’t lying. Look at this picture; she had blond hair.

Bartholomew grabs the photo.

BARTHOLOMEW

You can’t blame him for not recognizing you; this looks like a completely different person.

JUDAS

Exactly!

HEATHER

There is no excuse for forgetting a person you connected with.

BARTHOLOMEW

Connected? I know what that means; I think someone was the victim of a hit and run!

Judas and Bartholomew high-five while laughing and Simon does his best to keep a straight face.

HEATHER

I see you laughing, asshole.

SIMON

Sorry, but it’s hilarious.

JUDAS

How can you expect me to remember some chick I banged three years ago, especially when I was drunk out of my mind in Vegas?

BARTHOLOMEW

So you made up the entire gay thing to get back at him?

HEATHER

He deserved it.

BARTHOLOMEW

What about Dan? He didn’t do anything to you.

Judas clears his throat.

JUDAS

I think she got in another accident.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn! You’re the freaking hit and run queen. I got next!

HEATHER

Fuck you!

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes, please!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I’m sorry.

HEATHER

Thanks “friend.”

BARTHOLOMEW

If you’re looking for support; you’re in the wrong place.

SIMON

So Judas isn’t gay?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! Heather lied, but Judas is still gay. No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

What happened in Vegas? How did you bag her?

SIMON

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; right Heather?

HEATHER

Don’t try to be on my side, now.

Simon shrugs his shoulders.

SIMON

You can’t fault me for trying.

BARTHOLOMEW

Let’s hear it.

JUDAS

I actually remember the night; no wonder you hated me.

HEATHER

You’re such an asshole.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did you do?

JUDAS

We were messing around and I told the guys to give me any pick-up line and I’ll bag Heather.

SIMON

Hold on! Don’t tell me that story was actually true.

JUDAS

That’s right. You guys didn’t believe me.

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t believe you weren’t lying.

JUDAS

I walked up to Heather and said, can you help me dispose of some semen!

The guys laugh while Heather lowers her head in shame.

SIMON

I can’t believe that line worked on you.

HEATHER

I was drunk!

BARTHOLOMEW

I always wanted to meat the semen disposal chick. Today is the happiest day of my life. Do you mind if I make a deposit?

The guys laugh. Heather decides to keep quite instead of egging him on.

BARTHOLOMEW

Nothing personal, Heather.

HEATHER

I understand that you guys are childish. It’s been fun, but I’m out of here.

JUDAS

I guess we’re even. No hard feelings.

HEATHER

Whatever.

She walks to the door.

JUDAS

Wait. I’ll walk you out. Later fellas.

BARTHOLOMEW

Where are you going?

JUDAS

I have to find Dan and tell him the story.

BARTHOLOMEW

Alright, later.

JUDAS

I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.

Judas exits.

INT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

Simon and Bartholomew decide to tell Philip the news.

PHILIP

This is a small world. It’s crazy how everything unfolded. Judas is really lucky; it could have been much worse.

KIM

He definitely needs to slow down with the bagging, as you guys say.

BARTHOLOMEW

The way I see it, no harm no foul.

KIM

I kind of feel bad for accusing Judas of being gay.

PHILIP

Don’t fee bad; he’s an asshole.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s no way to talk about your friend, buddy.

PHILIP

You’re an asshole too!

The all laugh.

PHILIP

I’m just happy the truth is finally out.

Bartholomew and Simon look at one another.

SIMON

I’m not sure the truth is out.

PHILIP

What are you talking about?

BARTHOLOMEW

Judas said something weird before leaving my apartment.

SIMON

Yeah, it was a little shaky.

PHILIP

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

He said, I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.

PHILIP

I’m sure it was just a slip of the tongue.

SIMON

It was a slip, but I’m pretty sure it was Freudian.

PHILIP

I don’t want to go down this road again; let’s go get some food and let Judas live his life.

SIMON

I’m down for that.

BARTHOLOMEW

Me too.

KIM

Great; we haven’t eaten all day.

The foursome exits.

[It's A Wrap!]

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Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 2

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Season 2: Episode 1

INT. sports bar

Bartholomew convinced Judas to meet the guys at a bar in order to hash things out.

SIMON

I can’t believe Matt escaped twice.

BARTHOLOMEW

Michelle is going to kill him when he goes home.

MATTHIAS

I told you guys; things are a little different now.

SIMON

She’s gonna kill him.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I thought you said Judas was coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

He’ll be here in a half hour. I wanted us to get on the same page before he arrived.

SIMON

Phil, what the hell is going on with your eye.

PHILIP

I don’t know. It just swelled up for no reason.

BARTHOLOMEW

You don’t think you caught anything from Kim; do you?

PHILIP

Do you have to be an asshole?

SIMON

Don’t be silly, Bart. You can’t catch an STD without having sex.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Hey Simon, is that a hickey on your neck?

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell! I guess someone wasn’t getting any homework done during study hall.

PHILIP

I hope Leslie doesn’t see it.

SIMON

First of all, I take offense to the fact that you assume Leslie had nothing to do with the mark on my neck.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, maybe they were role playing.

SIMON

Thanks Bart; you’re a true friend. Where was I? Oh yeah! Second of all, it’s not a hickey. Its a stab wound.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I knew Leslie was crazy, but I didn’t think she would actually stab you.

PHILIP

It was only a matter of time.

SIMON

Well Phil, you’ll be happy to know it wasn’t Leslie.

PHILIP

Let me guess; some woman’s husband caught you sleeping with his wife?

SIMON

Hell no! I’m not a home-wrecker.

The guys laugh and Phil shakes his head.

MATTHIAS

You’re a stand-up guy.

SIMON

Don’t pat me on the back too soon; I do cheat. This came from a vegan chick I met.

BARTHOLOMEW

I thought vegan chicks were into peace and harmony?

SIMON

They are until you piss them off.

PHILIP

Do I even want to hear this story?

SIMON

Yeah, it’s a great one.

BARTHOLOMEW

Tell me you didn’t trick her into eating meat.

SIMON

I definitely gave her some meat, if you know what I mean.

BARTHOLOMEW

NICE!

MATTHIAS

Let’s hear the story.

SIMON

I was on my break but I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered a salad. The vegan chick ended up ordering the same thing which gave me an ice-breaker. She asked if I was vegan and I didn’t want to disappoint her so I lied.

MATTHIAS

Like I said, stand-up guy!

SIMON

She was cool at first, but after a couple weeks, she just kept going on and on about hating meat so I decided to end it.

BARTHOLOMEW

You broke up with her and she went crazy?

SIMON

It’s how I did it that was the problem.

MATTHIAS

I have to hear this.

SIMON
Since she always talks about being vegan, I know that her favorite place to eat lunch is the Prudential Center food court, so I went there and ordered a bunch of meat and she caught me scarfing it down.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s funny.

SIMON

It wasn’t funny when she snapped and stabbed me with a steak knife. If I didn’t react quickly, she would have killed me.

PHILIP

Psychos are created by your behavior.

SIMON

There is no excuse for attempted murder.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did Leslie say about the mark?

SIMON

That brings me to the favor I was going to ask. I told her you close-lined me while playing basketball.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got you.

SIMON

I wish she wasn’t a vegan; she’s an actress and I think she might be the next big star.

BARTHOLOMEW

I could never date an actress.

MATTHIAS

Why not?

BARTHOLOMEW

Because I don’t want to date someone who does sex scenes with a bunch of actors.

PHILIP

Yeah, cheating is cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

If I’m friends with the guy who is dating Halle Berry, I’d torture him. I’d walk into his apartment everyday and sit him down saying, “I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think your girl is cheating on you.” Then I’d throw on the sex scene from Monster’s Ball!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That would suck! I don’t think we could remain friends if I end up dating an actress.

SIMON

I wouldn’t let that bother me. All you have to do is use your advantage. Everyday, before she had to do a sex scene, I’d go to the set and make her give me a blow job. Then we’d see how the actor enjoys making out with my girlfriend.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That’s the nastiest thing I ever heard.

SIMON

You have to fight dirty if you want to win!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s not dirty; that’s playing disgusting!

SIMON

Don’t kiss my chick!

Judas arrives at the table.

JUDAS

Kissing your chick; talk about sloppy seconds!

BARTHOLOMEW

You finally made it.

SIMON

You’re not still pissed are you?

JUDAS

I was heated, but I think if I was in your shoes, I’d probably believe the chick so I don’t care anymore. I’ll be gay Judas, as long as you guys don’t mind me inviting your chicks over for a slumber party.

PHILIP

I don’t care how gay you are; your not getting anywhere near Kim!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So you admit that you’re gay?

JUDAS

No! The truth will come out eventually.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m confused. So you’re the the truth like Paul Pierce and you plan on coming out in the future?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

No. I have no idea why this chick made up this lie, but I intend on getting to the bottom of this.

BARTHOLOMEW

And by get to the bottom, do you mean some guys bottom?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I can see you’re going to enjoy this for a while.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes sir!

JUDAS

Why do you keep saying, “no homophobe?”

SIMON

It’s a new thing that Bart came up with so we don’t hurt your feelings when we make hurtful gay jokes.

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s actually hilarious, but I’m not gay.

SIMON

Yeah, and Phil is not a virgin.

JUDAS

Oh shit; it’s Jasmine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I haven’t seen her in years. Do you still talk to her?

JUDAS

Na. After the last drunken hookup about a year ago, we’ve had no contact.

BARTHOLOMEW

Call her over here so we can all say hi.

JUDAS

I’d rather not; I don’t want to sleep with her again.

PHILIP

Are you crazy?

JUDAS

What?

PHILIP

She’s not going to sleep with you after a year of no contact.

JUDAS

Dude, she’s in love with me; I can bang her whenever I want.

BARTHOLOMEW

So you don’t want to sleep with her because you’re gay?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I’m not going to keep saying I’m not gay. You can keep the jokes coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thanks; I will!

MATTHIAS

I’m with Phil on this one; there is no way she is going to sleep with you after a year.

JUDAS

You guys are lucky I don’t want to sleep with her, because I would do it just to prove it.

BARTHOLOMEW

There is no way.

JUDAS

You guys have no idea.

SIMON

If that’s true, do it and prove us wrong.

JUDAS

I don’t want her to think that there is a possibility of us getting back together.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the gay thing, right?

SIMON

Again, no homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I would pay to see this.

SIMON

Me too!

MATTHIAS

I’ll match whatever these guys put up.

PHILIP

You guys are so childish.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re chipping in too; or you can’t watch.

JUDAS

What do you mean watch; I’m not banging my ex in front of you guys.

BARTHOLOMEW

I bet you would love that gay guy.

SIMON

No homophobe!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m down to put up two hundred.

SIMON

I’ll do two hundred.

MATTHIAS

Me too!

JUDAS

That was too easy; I’ll do it for fifteen hundred or no deal.

BARTHOLOMEW

Done!

SIMON

Hell yeah!

MATTHIAS

I’ll even cover Phil’s portion.

SIMON

Na, he’s paying too.

PHILIP

It doesn’t matter because she’s not going to sleep with him.

JUDAS

If you guys have the cash, I’ll get head in the bar’s bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You work on that and we’ll go to the ATM.

The guys leave the bar and Judas heads over to speak with his ex-girlfriend.

About twenty minutes later, the guys returned to the bar and Judas walked over from his ex-girlfriend’s table.

BARTHOLOMEW

Ok, we have the cash; let’s see what you’re made of.

JUDAS

Pay up; I already got head.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Which guy was it?

SIMON

No homophobe!

JUDAS

Real funny. I want my money.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you kidding; I know you don’t expect us to believe you.

JUDAS

I’m serious; she gave me head in the bathroom.

SIMON

How the hell are we supposed to verify that?

JUDAS

No problem. I’ll do it again.

Judas leaves and walks over to speak with his ex. A few minutes later, he leads her from her table to the back of the bar, where the restrooms are located.

PHILIP

I can’t believe this. What’s wrong with her.

BARTHOLOMEW

She probably just loves cock like Judas.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

This is amazing. I can’t believe he actually got her to agree.

MATTHIAS

You don’t think he offered to share the money with her, do you?

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell no! Are you insane? She would never agree to do it if she knew we were paying for it.

SIMON

Yeah man, what’s wrong with you. She’s in love, not a prostitute.

MATTHIAS

I was just asking.

A short while longer, Judas returns to his friends and places his left hand on the table.

JUDAS

Is that proof enough?

There is a small amount of what appears to be semen on his hand.

The guys take notice and break out into laughter.

SIMON

I can’t fucking believe it!

JUDAS

Pay up!

Bartholomew places the fifteen hundred on the table and Judas scoops it up.

JUDAS

I work hard for my money!

MATTHIAS

That was definitely worth every penny; I honestly didn’t think he could do it.

BARTHOLOMEW

Chicks dig gay dudes.

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

You should have just busted in her mouth.

JUDAS

I did! I just wiped a little bit on my hand for proof.

SIMON

Well done.

PHILIP

I’m speechless!

JUDAS

Don’t worry; one day you will get head and know what it feels like.

The guys laugh and Judas heads to the bathroom to clean up. When he returns, his ex-girlfriend is by his side.

JUDAS

Hey guys, look who I bumped into.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on Jasmine; it’s been a while.

JASMINE

Hi Bart, how’s life?

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t complain.

JASMINE

Hey guys.

SIMON

Hi Jasmine.

MATTHIAS

Hey,

PHILIP

Hi Jasmine.

JASMINE

What’s wrong with your eye, Phil?

PHILIP

I think I’m having an allergic reaction to something.

JUDAS

I just assumed Kim abused you so I didn’t say anything.

JASMINE

It looks infected, do you want me to run across the street and get some eye-drops?

PHILIP

No, you don’t have to go through all that trouble.

Simon winks at Bartholomew.

SIMON

Maybe it’s a hair.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, maybe you have  a hair in your eye.

SIMON

Jasmine, you should blow in his eye like the old ladies used to do when we were kids.

PHILIP

No, it’s fine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Phil, it might get infected; you might as well let her help.

JASMINE

Yeah Phil, I’m sure it’s painful. Let me blow the hair out of your eye.

Jasmine attempts to grab Phil, but he avoids her grasp.

PHILIP

I’m fine.

SIMON

Phil, stop being a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, let her blow into your eye; what’s wrong with you.

Simon stands from the table and grabs a hold of Philip’s arms.

SIMON

Go ahead, Jasmin.

Jasmine grabbed a hold of Philip’s head and blew into his eye. Simon released his grip and fell to the floor. The guys erupted with laughter. Jasmine also found the incident to be funny.

JASMINE

Phil is such a baby.

SIMON

Yeah, cockeye is such a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh shit! Cockeye!

JUDAS

I’ll walk you out Jasmine; these mature guys are going to be calling Phil a baby for the rest of the night.

JASMINE

Bye guys.

The guys wave goodbye, but can’t stop laughing long enough to say anything. Jasmine exits the bar with Judas.

PHILIP

You guys are assholes.

MATTHIAS

Why the hell did you let her blow in your eye?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, you know she just gave Judas head.

PHILIP

What was I supposed to do; Simon held me down and I didn’t want to let her know that Judas told us about what she did.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn cockeye, there is no way I would have let that go down.

Judas returns.

MATTHIAS

Are you guys back in a relationship?

BARTHOLOMEW

An open relationship; I assume.

SIMON

No homophobe.

JUDAS

Na, but I’m sure she has some ideas.

SIMON

You have nothing to complain about; you just got paid fifteen hundred dollars to get head.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, you’re a freaking porn star.

JUDAS

I’m not picking up the tab either.

The guys laugh and call it a night.

[IT'S A WRAP!]

Episode 3

Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 1

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

If you haven’t read the first season, you may not understand what is going on! Bagging Up Season One

*********************************************************************************************************************

Int. Judas’ Apartment

The big fight left everyone in shock. The group decided to get together for Sunday dinner in order to speak with Judas. Bartholomew was chosen as the person to ensure Judas shows up.

Bartholomew arrives at the front door as a tenant exits and he enters. He attempted to knock on Judas’ door, but it swings open before he makes contact.

A beautiful woman is about to exit.

JUDAS’ DATE

Oh. You startled me.

BARTHOLOMEW

Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you; I’m Bart.

JUDAS’ DATE

Hi, I’m Marsha.

JUDAS

I have to talk to the landlord; how the hell did you get into the building?

BARTHOLOMEW

I climbed up the side like King Kong.

Marsha laughs.

MARSHA

It was nice to meet you, Bart.

BARTHOLOMEW

It was nice to meet you too.

Marsha turns her attention towards Phil.

MARSHA

Don’t forget to call me later.

JUDAS

I won’t. Drive safely.

Marsha pauses, checks out Judas’ body and comments.

MARSHA

I still can’t believe you lost all that weight.

JUDAS

It was a lot of hard work.

MARSHA

You’re my hero. I’ll talk to you later.

JUDAS

Ok. Bye.

Judas shuts the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell is she talking about, you didn’t lose any weight?

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

She thinks I lost about a hundred and seventy five pounds.

BARTHOLOMEW

Why would she think that?

JUDAS

Well, she works at Macy’s and when I went to buy a pair of jeans, I told her that I needed help picking out new clothes because I weighed over three hundred pounds.

Bartholomew laughs.

BARTHOLOMEW

She actually believed that?

JUDAS

Yeah, these chicks are idiots; you can basically tell them whatever you want.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s hilarious.

JUDAS

You should try it. She was so proud of me, she let me do whatever I wanted. I think I’m going to keep her around for a little while.

BARTHOLOMEW

This is definitely going to blowup in your face when she finds out you weren’t obese.

JUDAS

Yeah, you’re probably right. Sorry about the other day; does Kim think we’re a bunch of thugs?

BARTHOLOMEW

Na, She understands that it was a rare occasion.

JUDAS

That’s good.

BARTHOLOMEW

We’re all meeting up at Phil’s for dinner. It’s best for everyone to get together and talk things out.

JUDAS

Yeah, I agree.

The guys continue to chat before they head out to meet the rest of the group.

Int. Philip’s Apartment

KIM

Hey Simon, are you alright?

PHILIP

Yeah, you look like you’re still bothered by the fight.

SIMON

Na, I’m fine.

The bell rings.

KIM

Looks like the guys are here.

PHILIP

I’ll let them in.

A moment later, Phil walks in with Bartholomew and Judas.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re right; he does look depressed.

SIMON

I’m not depressed.

BARTHOLOMEW

It looks like you just drove your girlfriend, who is the love of your life, to the airport so she could board a plane to Spring Break in Jamaica

JUDAS

Damn, that chick is as good as fucked! In that situation all you can do is pray that the STD she brings back is curable.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I’m definitely not that depressed. I’m glad you decided to come, Judas. I want to apologize for the way I acted the other day.

JUDAS

It’s cool; we both crosses the line.

PHIL

Great! Everything is back to normal.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think we have to talk about the real issue before we can talk about things getting back to normal.

KIM

I agree. These types of things have a way of resurfacing if they are not dealt with.

BARTHOLOMEW

Before we get down to business, you guys have to hear the latest Judas bag up story.

Bartholomew shares the details of Judas’ tale and the group laughs.

SIMON

I think that’s my favorite story, yet.

BARTHOLOMEW

Not me; I still like his staple.

KIM

You have a staple?

JUDAS

I have no idea what he is talking about.

BARTHOLOMEW

Whenever he is going through a slump, he breaks the drought by going to 7-Eleven.

KIM

7-Eleven?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah. He sits there scratching lottery tickets until a hot chick walks in, then he says the infamous line.

KIM

Do I want to hear this?

PHILIP

No!

BARTHOLOMEW

Of course you do; it’s epic. After conversing with the chick for a little while and appearing to be a gentleman, he tells her that he is in the mood for a slurpee!

The guys laugh, but Phil and Kim are repulsed.

JUDAS

Works every time! Not to mention; she was a MILF.

SIMON

I hate that term; it’s completely meaningless.

KIM

What do you mean?

SIMON

Nowadays, every woman is a freaking mother. I have no idea what’s going on. Is the chick one of those sixteen and pregnant moms or a cougar?

KIM

You’re right; moms are getting younger and younger.

JUDAS

I don’t know about you but those chicks on sixteen and pregnant are definitely a bunch of moms I’d like to fuck.

PHILIP

Did you not learn anything from James’ situation?

JUDAS

I said, like to, not going to.

The doorbell rings a second time.

BARTHOLOMEW

Who’s that?

JUDAS

Maybe Kim invited some open-minded friends over.

KIM

Not a chance; I actually like my friends.

PHILIP

Good one; I think I know who it is.

Philip leaves to answer the door.

KIM

Was your 7-Eleven MILF super hot?

JUDAS

She wasn’t the hottest, but I’d feel comfortable walking through the mall with her.

KIM

You’re incorrigible.

The guys are is speechless when Philip walks in with Matthias.

BARTHOLOMEW

How the hell did you get paroled before James?

The guys laugh, but Kim doesn’t understand the joke.

MATTHIAS

It’s good to see you guys.

SIMON

I don’t know how I feel about you just showing up; what you did wasn’t cool.

JUDAS

Yeah, I’m with Simon.

PHILIP

I knew you guys would be a little pissed, but Matt is still our brother.

MATTHIAS

I don’t know what to say, Michele’s my wife. I can’t just always choose hanging out with the group over her.

BARTHOLOMEW

We needed you, man.

SIMON

Yeah, we were getting together to hear about what was happening with James; you definitely fucked up.

MATTHIAS

You guys don’t understand what it’s like to be married; I have to live with her.

SIMON

She runs your life; that’s not a marriage.

BARTHOLOMEW

At the end of the day, Matt’s not going to change so it is what it is.

JUDAS

I guess.

MATTHIAS

I know I haven’t been around, but when Phil and Kim told me about the fight, I had to get involved.

PHILIP

That has to count for something; right guys?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I guess.

MATTHIAS

By the way, Phil has a girl; that’s crazy!

JUDAS

It doesn’t count because he’s not getting any.

MATTHIAS

Ouch!

SIMON

Yeah, it’s sad.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh yeah, before I forget, I have to tell you guys about my co-worker.

JUDAS

The guy that you have a crush on?

Everyone laughs.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, the one you banged.

KIM

You guys are silly.

PHILIP

I think you meant to say, they’re assholes.

BARTHOLOMEW

My accounting firm merged with a larger company which brought some new changes. The CEO is really against drugs so instead of the usual piss test, he sent out a memo notifying everyone about a more stringent hair follicle test.

SIMON

Are you serious; that seems a bit extreme.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah I guess, but it makes no difference to me.

JUDAS

I thought you were a pothead Focker?

JUDAS

Na, every since I stopped banging your mom, I lost the desire to get high.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re a complete jerk for that comment; my mom’s a saint.

JUDAS

Yeah, she definitely spent a lot of time on her knees!

The guys laugh.

KIM

That’s uncalled for.

BARTHOLOMEW

What; she prays a lot?

KIM

Oh! I thought you were making a crass joke.

BARTHOLOMEW

No; she prayed all the time. (In woman’s voice)”Lord, please send me more cock!”

The guys laugh.

KIM

I can’t believe I fell for that.

PHILIP

I’m sorry, they aren’t good people.

BARTHOLOMEW

So, we all get the memo, and this guy “Sauce” starts flipping out.

SIMON

Your co-worker’s name is Sauce?

BARTHOLOMEW

No, I forgot his real name. We all call him Sauce because he goes into these random roid rage episodes at the drop of a hat.

KIM

What does sauce have to do with steroids?

PHILIP

When someone uses steroids it’s called being on the sauce.

KIM

Oh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I figured Sauce was going through another roid rage episode, so I didn’t really pay him any mind. The day of the test, he walked in and looked completely different. Sauce had long flowing hair, but his head was shaved.

SIMON

He actually shaved his head to avoid the test?

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s what we thought, which would have been dumb because they can get a hair sample from anywhere on a person’s body. The bald head was a change, but there was something strange about Sauce; he looked completely different.

SIMON

Did he get caught?

BARTHOLOMEW

After we laughed at him for shaving his head, he remained in his office until he had to take the test. It turns out that Sauce actually got the last laugh.

JUDAS

He passed!

BARTHOLOMEW

Nope! They knew he was doping, but he was only suspended without pay for a two weeks.

JUDAS

What? Why didn’t they fire him?

BARTHOLOMEW

Because he shaved his entire body, including eyebrows and everything. I thought he looked strange because of his hair, but it was the eyebrows; I never noticed.

Everyone laughed.

SIMON

That’s insane; he shaved everything?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah; he had some chick do it for him. They couldn’t get a hair sample so he was suspended.

MATTHIAS

These types of stories is why I missed hanging out with you guys.

PHILIP

You only have yourself to blame.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, I know. Everyone is so funny.

SIMON

Except for Phil, of course.

KIM

Phil’s funny.

SIMON

You have to say that.

KIM

I’m serious; he’s hilarious. Just the other day, we went to a restaurant and he reserved our table under Phil McCrakin; the host couldn’t stop laughing.

JUDAS

First of all, that’s old. And second of all, he wasn’t being funny; it was a cry for help. Phil was trying to come out of the closet. He really wanted to have his crack filled in.

SIMON

Isn’t it obvious; what guy chooses a restaurant with a host instead of a hostess?

Philip shakes his head while the guys laugh.

KIM

You guys are just jealous.

PHILIP

Don’t egg them on.

JUDAS

I forgot to tell you guys; I’m going to be rich.

PHILIP

How?

JUDAS

My new invention.

KIM

I can’t wait to hear this.

JUDAS

Kim, you have open toe shoes, right?

KIM

Of course.

JUDAS

I’m going to take that concept and bring it to women’s lingerie.

KIM

They already have sexy open toe shoes for women to wear with lingerie.

JUDAS

I’m talking about, open camel toe panties.

The guys laugh, but Kim can do nothing other than shake her head.

KIM

I have no comment.

JUDAS

Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get a few free pairs.

KIM

I can’t wait.

PHILIP

Let’s get to the real issue before we lose track of time; what is the deal with you and Simon?

JUDAS

I don’t have any problems with Simon. I honestly don’t know why things got so out of hand.

SIMON

It was all my fault. I had something that was bothering me and instead of talking it out, I kept it in and things blew out of proportion.

JUDAS

What did I do?

SIMON

Remember that girl Heather?

JUDAS

Yeah, the one from the bar.

SIMON

I don’t really know how to say this so I’m just going to be direct. Heather knows your friend Dan and she said that you and him are gay lovers.

Judas laughs uncontrollably.

JUDAS

That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.

SIMON

I’m serious. She said you are gay.

JUDAS

I’m not gay. Why the hell would she pick me and Dan? It makes no sense; we banged half of the chicks on campus.

KIM

You don’t have to keep lying; we don’t care if you are into men.

JUDAS

What are you guys talking about? The other day when you said I was gay, I thought it was funny, but this is ridiculous.

PHILIP

You’re our brother, either way.

JUDAS

Hold on a second. So Simon, you mean to tell me you fought with me because you thought I was gay?

SIMON

Sorry, I didn’t know how to react.

JUDAS

That’s fucked up. I know we make a lot of gay jokes, but I’m no homophobe. A lot of my clients are gay and I don’t want to be around anyone who is filled with hate.

SIMON

I’m not homophobic. I was upset that you lied to us, and then I lost control when you kept making comments about banging chicks.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think we all felt betrayed. You don’t ever have to lie to us.

JUDAS

I’m not gay. I don’t even know that chick; why the hell is she discussing me in the first place?

SIMON

Why are you going to sit here and lie?

JUDAS

I’m going to leave before I lose my temper; tell your friend heather that she can go to hell, but I’d like to bang her, first.

Judas stands up and walks to the door.

JUDAS

This is bullshit; I can’t believe you guys are going to take the words of some random whore over me.

Judas slams the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

What just happened here?

SIMON

He must be too afraid to be himself.

KIM

Hopefully, he will be able to get a good night’s sleep and realize that he can be himself around his best friends.

MATTHIAS

I don’t know who this Kim chick is, but I find it hard to believe that Judas is gay.

SIMON

You weren’t at the bar. Judas has been living a lie the entire time.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’ll speak with him tomorrow and see where his head is at.

MATTHIAS

Things have definitely changed since the last time I was around.

PHILIP

You’re right about that.

MATTHIAS

You guys definitely need to slow down with the gay jokes and show some support.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think Judas knows we’re just having fun.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, but sometimes there’s a thin line between joke and hate.

SIMON

Ok, Martin Lawrence, we get the message.

KIM

I agree with Matt; you guys should give Judas some time before starting up with your jokes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, that sucks.

SIMON

Yeah, I’m not even going to lie; it will be a challenge.

Silence fills the room as everyone takes in what just occured.

BARTHOLOMEW

Wait! We don;t have to stop making gay jokes.

SIMON

Na, I think they’re right.

BARTHOLOMEW

No! I have a solution. For example, if I see a guy with skinny jeans and I say, ‘skinny jeans are gay,’ all I have to do is say no homophobe.

SIMON

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, it’s like no homo. Whenever you make a homophobic comment, you have to say no homophobe, to let everyone know that you are not homophobic.

SIMON

I think I like it. Let me see. Yo, no homophobe, but you need to stop looking at that guy’s ass and focus on defense.

BARTHOLOMEW

Exactly.

KIM

I’m not sure if that works, but Judas will definitely get a laugh after hearing no homophobe.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, I think he’ll like that.

BARTHOLOMEW

We’ll see what happens.

MATTHIAS

It was nice to hang out with you guys again.

SIMON

Don’t go getting gay on us.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think someone owes us a no homophobe.

Everyone laughs and the group decides to call it a night.

[It's A Wrap!]

Episode 2

Check out the first season: Bagging Up.

Baggin Up – Episode 11

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Episode 1   Episode 2    Episode 3  Episode 4   Episode 5   Episode 6   Episode 7   Episode 8   Episode 9  Episode 10

INT. Philip’s Apartment

Philip invited the guys over so they can meet Kimberly. Although Philip wanted to pick up his fiance from the airport, she will arrive by taxi because she wants to freshen up in order to make a great first impression.Simon is the first to arrive.

SIMON

You’re not going to believe what I fount out.

PHILIP

What?

SIMON

I honestly don’t know what to do; it’s about Judas.

PHILIP

What did he do now?

SIMON

Let’s wait until Bart gets here so he can hear it too.

PHILIP

Wow! This sounds pretty serious.

SIMON

It’s CRAZY!

The bell rings. Philip opens the door to find Bartholomew and Judas standing outside.

PHILIP

Thanks for coming, guys; this means a lot to me.

JUDAS

There is no way we would miss this.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s good, Phil! What’s that smell?

PHILIP

French Vanilla; it’s a scented candle.

BARTHOLOMEW

Not that smell. It’s something else.

Bartholomew walks around the apartment; mimicking a police German Shepherd.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got it!

SIMON

I’ve been here for a few minutes and I didn’t smell anything.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the stench of virginity!

The guys laugh and Judas closes the bedroom door.

JUDAS

It was coming from there!

Simon’s happy demeanor changes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Of course! The Master…bation room!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s crazy; you can actually sense the absence of vagina!

PHILIP

That’s great; just get out all the jokes before Kim gets here.

JUDAS

You know we have a lot of questions for her.

Philip shakes his head.

PHILIP

I don’t know what I was thinking.

BARTHOLOMEW

What time are you going to Logan Airport?

PHILIP

She already landed; Kim wants to head to the hotel so she can freshen up; she insisted on taking a cab.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you insane? You have to go meet her. Don’t you watch romantic movies?

JUDAS

Hotel? Why the hell is she staying in a hotel?

PHILIP

Because she doesn’t have an apartment yet.

JUDAS

Why doesn’t she just live with you?

PHILIP

Because we’re not married, yet!

JUDAS

The more details you reveal, the sadder I become. But Bart is right; you should have met her at the airport. Even Simon knows that!

Simon turns his head as if he didn’t hear the comment.

PHILIP

What are you guys talking about? She said she wanted to take a cab.

BARTHOLOMEW

Obviously she’s going to say that. You’re an idiot!

PHILIP

Damn! You might be right. I think I messed this one up. I’ll be right back!

BARTHOLOMEW

Where are you going? I thought you said she landed.

PHILIP

The least I can do is give her a ride from the hotel.

Philip grabs his car keys and rushes out of the apartment.

JUDAS

I can’t believe she is staying in a hotel.

BARTHOLOMEW

What do you expect; he’s waiting for marriage before having sex.

JUDAS

Sad!

BARTHOLOMEW

In a way, it’s refreshing. Today’s women are of a different breed; they are literally, for the day. It’s nice to see an old fashion relationship.

JUDAS

Phil is a virgin; we have no idea what this Kim chick has been doing!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s true!

The front door opens.

PHILIP

I was too late!

A beautiful woman enters.

PHILIP

Everyone, I’d like to introduce my fiance, Kim.

KIM

Hello.

BARTHOLOMEW

Welcome to the family; I’m Bart.

KIM

I hope you guys approve of me.

JUDAS

Of course we approve. I’m Judas, the best man! We’re just happy you’re not made of plastic!

Everyone laughs except for Simon.

KIM

Phil is the best man!

JUDAS

We’ll let your bridesmaids make that determination!

PHILIP

You have to forgive Judas; he doesn’t have a filter.

KIM

That’s ok. So, I’m guessing you’re Simon.

SIMON

Guilty as charged.

KIM

You must be the quiet one.

PHILIP

There is no quiet one; they’re all assholes!

SIMON

You’ll have to excuse me; I had a revealing conversation with a friend of mine so I’m not my usual charming self.

JUDAS

That chick finally told you that she is infatuated with me?

SIMON

I have to take a piss.

Simon gets up and walks to the bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

Whatever she said, it must have been traumatic.

JUDAS

I hope she’s not pregnant.

PHILIP

Na, I definitely don’t think it’s that; we should just give him his space.

KIM

I hope I’m not interrupting something important.

JUDAS

You’re the something important. I can’t wait to get to know you and learn all about this secret relationship.

KIM

I have to get to know you guys as well.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m sure Phil gave you all the dirt on us.

KIM

No; we agreed that I should get to know his friends, in person.

Simon returns from the bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You good?

SIMON

Yeah, I’m fine.

JUDAS

Is this about that chick from the bar?

SIMON

I don’t want to talk about it.

JUDAS

If she is begging for some Judas action, let her know that I am down.

SIMON

Sure you are!

PHILIP

Anyone want beers?

BARTHOLOMEW

Keep them coming!

KIM

I’ll help you.

INT. PHILIP’S KITCHEN

Philip leads the way to retrieve the drinks.

KIM

They seem like a fun bunch.

PHILIP

Yeah, we’re basically a family. Something must be really bothering Simon; he usually has a great personality.

KIM

Do you think it has anything to do with me?

PHILIP

No! We talked before the other guys got here; it has something to do with Judas.

KIM

He’s the gay one; right?

Philip laughs.

PHILIP

NO! He’s actually a player.

KIM

Wow! I definitely misjudged him.

PHILIP

Yeah; the guy banged more chicks than Hugh Hefner!

KIM

That’s disgusting!

PHILIP

I agree; not a day goes by without me letting him know that fact. Why did you think he was gay?

KIM

I don’t know. I guess I thought he was trying to overcompensate by talking about “banging chicks!”

PHILIP

Unfortunately, that’s what he does!

KIM

I don’t know how people can live that type of lifestyle.

PHILIP

Me neither!

The couple returns with the beers.

KIM

Here you go; nice and cold!

SIMON

Thanks.

JUDAS

So Kim, now that you are a part of the family, there are some questions that we need answered.

KIM

Ask and I shall answer.

PHILIP

Hold on, Judas. Before you interrogate her, I have to share this. Kim thought you were gay!

The guys laugh. Simon laughs especially loud.

SIMON

That sounds about right!

KIM

I’m sorry; I hope you’re not offended.

JUDAS

Of course not! The most important question of all is not whether or not I am gay; what we all want to know is, did Phil hit it?

Philip spits out his beer.

PHILIP

What’s wrong with you?

KIM

It’s ok Phil; he can ask whatever he wants. That’s not really any of your business, so I plead the 5th.

JUDAS

I’ll take that as a big fat NO!

Philip shakes his head.

JUDAS

We know that Phil is saving himself for marriage; did you bang any dudes while living in the Philippines?

SIMON

You’re being a real dick!

JUDAS

I’m just having fun.

SIMON

You’re the only one who thinks your questions are entertaining. The rest of us feel sorry for you.

JUDAS

I didn’t know you spoke for everyone; don’t try to bring the rest of us down because you’re having some personal problems.

PHILIP

I agree with Simon; your questions are crossing the line.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, chill!

JUDAS

Great job, Simon; now I’m the bad guy.

KIM

No one called you a bad guy.

SIMON

Yeah. You’re not a bad guy; you’re an ASS!

JUDAS

Why are you trying to push my buttons?

SIMON

I’m just telling it like it is.

JUDAS

Fine. That’s a great idea; let’s all tell it like it is. You’re pissed because Leslie is sick and tired of all the cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s enough; this isn’t the time.

JUDAS

Kim’s family now. We can’t keep secrets from her.

PHILIP

Why are you acting like a jerk?

JUDAS

He’s the one who showed up with a bad attitude.

SIMON

What are you going to do about it, COWARD!

JUDAS

How is Mr. soft-served going to call me a coward. That’s like Phil calling me a virgin.

BARTHOLOMEW

Kim, I’m sorry you had to witness this; I think it’s time for everyone to leave.

JUDAS

Yeah, sorry Kim; I don’t know what got into Simon, today.

SIMON

Why don’t you just shut your big mouth?

JUDAS

Why don’t you shut it for me?

SIMON

I just might!

JUDAS

I’d LOVE to see that!

Simon loses control of his emotions and punches Judas in the jaw. Judas hits the ground, but quickly jumps to his feet. The friends exchange punches before Judas tackles Simon to the ground. Kim watches in horror as Bartholomew and Philip separate the brawlers.

JUDAS

Let me go so I can beat his ass!

SIMON

How’s your jaw, coward?

JUDAS

That was a sucker punch, Mayweather!

Bartholomew pushes Judas outside of the apartment.

EXT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

Bartholomew walks Judas, whose anger dissipates, to his car.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell was that all about?

JUDAS

I don’t even know!

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t believe that just happened. Kim must think we’re a bunch of gangbangers.

JUDAS

I’m sorry, man. I honestly don’t know what just happened. I was just trying to mess with him; I didn’t think he would get physical.

BARTHOLOMEW

Go home and we’ll figure this out.

JUDAS

I think we should go back and talk things out.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s a bad idea. Once we figure out what is bothering Simon, we’ll be able to resolve this matter. For now, just go home.

JUDAS

Damn! I can’t believe I just fought Simon!

BARTHOLOMEW

This is crazy! I’ll call you later.

JUDAS

OK! Don’t worry; everything will be alright.

BARTHOLOMEW

I know!

Judas drives away and Batholomew returns to the apartment.

INT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

BARTHOLOMEW

What just happened, Simon?

SIMON

I just snapped.

BARTHOLOMEW

I have no idea what is bothering you, but you can’t take it out on your friends.

KIM

Does this have anything to do with my arrival?

SIMON

No! I am happy for Phil; I just have something on my mind. I can’t figure out how to deal with it.

PHILIP

Earlier, I was cool with allowing you to keep quiet, but you have to let us know what is going on! Keeping things bottled up is unhealthy.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, if you can’t talk to us, who can you turn to?

KIM

Maybe I should leave.

SIMON

No, you don’t have to go. You guys remember the woman from the bar, right?

PHILIP

Yeah!

BARTHOLOMEW

She left with Judas’ friend Dan, that night.

SIMON

Yeah! She called me a few days ago and dropped a bomb on me. We completely had the story wrong.

PHILIP

What do you mean?

SIMON

Dan never bagged her that night. He was the gay friend that she was meeting.

BARTHOLOMEW

Get out of here; Judas said Dan was a ladies’ man.

SIMON

The reason she wanted to talk to me, was to let me know what Dan told her. Apparently, Dan and Judas are gay lovers.

PHILIP

What? Judas bangs more women than anyone.

KIM

So he was overcompensating.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t believe it! What did Judas say?

SIMON

I don’t know how to bring it up.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell!

No one says a word for several minutes.

                                     [Season One Is A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

SEASON 2 COMING SOON!!!

Bagging Up – Episode 10

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Episode 1   Episode 2    Episode 3  Episode 4   Episode 5   Episode 6   Episode 7   Episode 8   Episode 9

INT. MORNING – SUE’S APARTMENT

Sue is lying in bed. She is excited to be with the love of her life. Judas finally wakes up.

SUE

Good morning, sunshine!

JUDAS

What? Oh, yeah, morning.

SUE

Did you enjoy last night; do you forgive me?

JUDAS

Um…yeah; it was good.

SUE

YAY! Do you want to get some breakfast?

JUDAS

What time is it?

SUE

It’s seven thirty.

JUDAS

Damn, I have to get ready to meet my client at nine.

SUE

That’s ok; I can make you something, honey.

JUDAS

Na, I’m good; I have to get going.

SUE

Are you coming over later, or should I sleep at your place?

JUDAS

Hold on, I have to take a piss.

Judas enters the bathroom and tries to figure out the best method of removing her from his life. After some careful thought, he comes up with a plan.

JUDAS

We need to talk.

SUE

Ok! You know you can tell me anything.

JUDAS

I like you and I want us to be together, but there is something that I need to tell you. The sex was good, but I can only feel satisfied if there is another woman.

SUE

Are you telling me that you want a threesome?

JUDAS

Not a threesome. I need two women in my life. It wouldn’t be a one night thing; I’m talking about adding another person to our relationship.

SUE

So you’re a polygamist?

JUDAS

No. I will marry you, but we will invite another woman to live with us. And if she leaves, we have to find someone else.

SUE

That’s unconventional, but I love you, so I’m willing to give it a try.

JUDAS

WHAT?

SUE

Yeah, I’ll do it; I don’t care. There is nothing that can diminish my love for you.

JUDAS

Are you fucking insane?

SUE

What’s wrong; was that some kind of test?

JUDAS

No! I am trying to end this hook up without hurting you, but you’re completely out of your mind. What woman agrees to a lifetime of threesomes?

SUE

I just want to make you happy.

JUDAS

You don’t even know me. I was trying to avoid being an asshole, but I don’t give a shit, anymore; I don’t ever want to see you again.

SUE

Are you playing around?

JUDAS

NO! This was just a hook up. I don’t love you and I think you are not in touch with reality. You need to see a therapist.

Sue begins to cry.

SUE

I don’t know what to say.

JUDAS

I’m sorry, but one day, after you get help, you’ll look back on this and realize your behavior is ridiculous.

SUE

I can’t force you to love me.

JUDAS

Again, I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t know you were going to fall in love.

SUE

If you don’t want me, no one is stopping you from leaving.

Sue expects Judas to comfort her in an effort to work things out.

JUDAS

OK, good luck with everything.

Judas is now fully dressed and he leaves. Once the door slams shut, Sue begins to cry uncontrollably. Judas calls Simon for a ride, since he was too drunk to drive and took a cab. Judas waits for Simon a few blocks away.

EXT. SIMON’S CAR

Judas reveals the details of the awkward incident.

SIMON

That’s crazy! We tried to tell you that Sue was a bad idea. I can’t believe you didn’t have at least one threesome.

JUDAS

I thought about it, but it’s just not worth it. I’m honestly scared that she’ll start stalking me.

Simon laughs.

JUDAS

I’m serious, man. The sex was great; I’d give her a 9.5, but her craziness level is off the charts.

Stopped at a red light, a homeless man taps on the car window, asking for some loose change. Simon reaches into the arm rest and retrieves a one dollar scratch ticket. He lowers the window and hands it to the man.

SIMON

Here you go my friend; I leave it in god’s hands. GOOD LUCK!

HOMELESS MAN

Thanks. God Bless you.

Simon drives off and the man does his best to avoid the moving traffic.

JUDAS

What the hell was that?

SIMON

That’s my new thing. I keep a stack of dollar scratch tickets and hand them to the people who ask for change.

JUDAS

Don’t you think they would rather get some change?

SIMON

It’s not about the money. I feel that handouts are not helpful, therefore, I let God decided whether or not the person deserves to have some money.

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s actually a good idea. Who knows, maybe he’ll hit for a thousand bucks.

SIMON

It’s up to God. The guy will either thank the Lord, or curse him out.

JUDAS

So I guess you’re doing good and bad.

Simon stops the car allowing for a prostitute to cross the street. Judas lowers his window and yells out to her.

JUDAS

Hey baby; how much for the two of us?

The street walker gives him the middle finger and responds.

PROSTITUTE

I charge less than your mother.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I just remembered a riddle. What did the HIV positive prostitute say to the baseball player?

JUDAS

I’ve had more long balls than you?

Simon laughs.

SIMON

No, but that’s a good one. She said, catch it!

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s cold.

SIMON

Funny, though!

JUDAS

What the hell; did you just see that guy in the Prius?

SIMON

Na, if you think he’s hot, I can turn around so you can holla.

JUDAS

I’m not you! He just littered.

SIMON

Isn’t it Ironic; don’t you think.

JUDAS

A little too Ironic, yeah I really do think.

SIMON

I guess he is in it for the gas mileage and not the environment.

The guys begin to sing Alanis Morissette’s famous song for the remainder of the ride. They have horrible singing voices, and are completely off pitch.

JUDAS

Thanks for the ride; you definitely saved me this morning.

SIMON

No doubt; you already know.

Judas exits the vehicle.

JUDAS

Oh yeah, before I forget, did you talk to your friend? She wants me right!

SIMON

Yeah right. I called her, but she said it’s best for her not to tell me what she wanted to talk about. She probably wants to reveal her undying love for me, but she knows I’m with Leslie, for now.

JUDAS

I’m sure it was about me, but she found out I was smashing crazy ass Sue.

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Probably. I’ll see you later.

JUDAS

Alright, thanks!

Judas walks to his vehicle and Simon drives off.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

Philip asked the guys to meet at the bar for a major announcement, but Judas refused and changed the location. Philip is the last to arrive.

JUDAS

There is no way I am ever stepping into that bar until Sue stops working there.

PHILIP

Simon told me what happened; I told you it was a bad idea.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bad isn’t the word. That was one of the dumbest ideas ever.

JUDAS

So, what is this big announcement you wanted to share?

SIMON

If you’re about to tell us that you are a virgin, we already know and we don’t care.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Actually, I do want to discuss all the virgin comments. I am not a virgin.

JUDAS

So you’re gay?

BARTHOLOMEW

No, he’s asexual!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I’ve been hiding something from you guys and it’s time to share the most important part of my life. Do you guys remember back in college, when I used to travel to the Philippines during the summer?

JUDAS

Yeah, you and Tebow went to teach the kids about abstinence and loving Jesus.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I wish I did work with Tebow; he’s on fire.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell yeah; I told you guys he was a winner. The Patriots better be careful or they’ll get Tebowed!

SIMON

Speaking of Tebowed, the funniest joke I heard is from some kid who said, “From now on, in pornos, when a guy cums from behind, it will be called Tebowed!”

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s hilarious!

PHILIP

Nevertheless, I went to the Philippines for a reason.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn Phil, I don’t want to hear this shit.

PHILIP

You don’t even know what I am about to say.

JUDAS

This better not be what I think it is.

PHILIP

During my junior year, I met a beautiful young lady and we fell in love.

JUDAS

Phil, Simon wasn’t kidding; we don’t care if you bang chicks or not. You don’t have to create an elaborate Phil-planation!

PHILIP

I’m being serious. Her name is Kimberly and it was her dream to help people who were less fortunate.

SIMON

Is this a joke?

PHILIP

NO! I wanted to start a life with her, but I didn’t want to stop her from following her dreams. We agreed to have a long distance relationship, until she felt ready to move back to the US.

JUDAS

Where is she?

PHILIP

She lives on Panay Island. Her village is close to Ibajay. There is no running water and no electricity. She actually helped build a school and teaches the children to speak English.

SIMON

So you’re saying that “exists,” but we’ll never meet her?

PHILIP

No! I didn’t want to tell you guys about her, because I no there would have been pressure to cheat. She is moving back soon, and we’ll get married next year.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re engaged?

PHILIP

Yeah, I’ve been engaged for three years.

JUDAS

So that’s why you go to the Philippines all the time?

PHILIP

Yeah, what did you guys think I was doing?

JUDAS

Honestly, Bart saw a documentary about creepy guys who traveled to third world countries so they can bang young children.

PHILIP

You guys thought I was one of those predator pedophiles?

BARTHOLOMEW

Sorry dude, but you have to admit that all the signs were pointing to you being a pedophile.

PHILIP

No! I don’t see how you would come up with that.

SIMON

C’mon, you’re a high school teacher or Christ’s sake. And you’re always traveling to the Philippines; we’re not way off!

PHILIP

Thanks guys!

BARTHOLOMEW

Sorry man! The facts were not looking good. We’ve been waiting for some poor kid to break down and reveal the truth.

PHILIP

That’s messed up!

JUDAS

I don’t care what you say; I’ll believe there is a Kimberly when I see her.

PHILIP

She’ll be here soon enough.

JUDAS

Either way, I still think you never smashed.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I’m not going to discuss what happens between me and my fiance.

SIMON

Damn, I can’t believe you’ve been waiting for marriage.

PHILIP

I can see where this conversation is going, so I’m out of here; I’m off to call Kim.

BARTHOLOMEW

I believe you Phil, sort of!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Not me! I’m waiting for Phil to come in here and tell us that he got into a big fight with “Kimberly,” and the relationship is over.

PHILIP

Ok, I’m gone!

The guys laugh. Philip exits the apartment.

JUDAS

That’s crazy; do you guys believe him?

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t know if I believe it, but I hope he’s telling the truth.

SIMON

If he is telling the truth, do you think he smashed?

JUDAS

HELL NO!

BARTHOLOMEW

Definitely not!

The guys laugh.

                                [It's A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 11

Bagging Up – Episode 9

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Episode 1   Episode 2    Episode 3  Episode 4   Episode 5   Episode 6   Episode 7   Episode 8

INT. SPORTS BAR

Bartholomew, Philip, and Simon are chatting while they wait for Judas to arrive, The crew decided to get together for Monday Night Football.

PHILIP

Why do you keep saying that?

SIMON

It’s from a movie. Did you ever see The Boys & Girls Guide to getting Down.

PHILIP

What? I never even heard of it.

SIMON

It’s a movie about using cocaine and hooking up in LA; it was ok. There was a guy who banged a chick who had a mohawk, and the movie ended with the guy rapping. The line is classic. “I just beat a chick with a mohawk; she was Rodney King I was four cops.”

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s hilarious.

SIMON

Hell yeah!

Judas finally appears. He cautiously walks to the table, while scouring the bar.

PHILIP

Now that Judas is here, are you going to tell us why you didn’t answer your phone all weekend.

SIMON

Don’t tell me you fell in love.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell no!

JUDAS

Are you guys sure Sue isn’t working tonight?

SIMON

Is that why you are looking around as if you owe someone money?

JUDAS

What are you talking about; I’m just checking out the ladies.

PHILIP

Damn, I’ve never seen you this nervous before; I honestly didn’t think you would show up.

JUDAS

I’m fine; you guys are idiots.

SIMON

Let’s hear it Bart; what happened this weekend?

JUDAS

Yeah man, why didn’t you pick up any of our calls?

BARTHOLOMEW

It all started last week. I helped a client of mine save some money and he rewarded me with a grand.

PHILIP

Damn, that’s not a bad way to start the day.

BARTHOLOMEW

It was great. I decided to gamble the money on some NFL games and I ended up winning five G’s!

JUDAS

I guess we know who has the tab tonight.

SIMON

Yeah, I forgot my wallet anyway!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

On Friday, I jumped on the plane and went to Vegas. I wanted to get away and just have a luxury weekend to myself.

JUDAS

You selfish bastard.

BARTHOLOMEW

Sorry, man!

JUDAS

Na, I’m just kidding; that’s what’s up.

Sue walks over to the table and spots Judas.

SUE

I can’t believe you have the nerve to show up here; you’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.

JUDAS

What are you talking about?

SUE

Why have you been avoiding me? What kind of jerk sleeps with a woman, and then acts like she never exists?

JUDAS

Is that what you think happened? I can’t believe you would think I’m that kind of guy. Do you honestly think I would have come back here if I wanted to avoid you?

SUE

Then please explain, why have you been avoiding me?

JUDAS

I will explain, but I must say that I am a little offended that you think I am a scumbag. It completely changes my opinion of you; I’m not sure I feel the same way, ABOUT US, anymore.

Sue’s anger begins to dissipate.

SUE

What do you mean?

JUDAS

I returned to town today and I knew the guys wanted to get together for Monday Night Football, so I insisted that we meet here because I wanted to talk to you about this past weekend.

SUE

Where did you go?

JUDAS

A friend of mine, MARK, if you must know, lost his mother. She was like a second mom to me and once he called, I jumped on the next plane. I left in such a hurry that I forgot my cell phone, which is why I didn’t call you.

Sue’s attitude completely changes.

SUE

Oh my God; I am so sorry. I feel like a piece of crap. Can you ever forgive me.

JUDAS

Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think I want to be with someone who is quick to jump to conclusions.

SUE

It was an honest mistake; I will never do it again. Just give me one more chance and you won’t regret it.

JUDAS

I can understand why you got upset, but you have to give me the benefit of the doubt. Let’s take things slow and try to rebuild what we had.

Sue wipes away a tear and gives Judas a big hug.

SUE

Thank you for being so understanding; you’re the best.

JUDAS

I think we might be able to get through this.

SUE

There is no doubt in my mind. What do you want to drink?

JUDAS

It looks like the guys need another round, so four Blue Moons will do.

SUE

I’ll be right back.

Sue leaves and the guys are speechless.

JUDAS

Did you dumbasses honestly think I wouldn’t come prepared, in case Sue “happens” to be working tonight.

SIMON

I am not worthy to be in your presence, my Lord.

BARTHOLOMEW

That was good, but I hope you know that you are creating a psycho.

JUDAS

I think I’ll be alright.

PHILIP

I am speechless; I can’t believe you just did that to her. You definitely went too far.

JUDAS

If you were speechless, you would shut the hell up. I didn’t do anything; you guys did. I was content to bang her and let her be, but you decided to bring me back here; this is on your conscience.

BARTHOLOMEW

So what? You plan on keeping this crazy chick on the team?

JUDAS

I’ll keep her around for a little bit; I’ll enjoy every moment of her trying to make this up to me.

SIMON

You lucky bastard!

JUDAS

Sorry my good man, luck has nothing to do with it.

Sue returns to the table with the drinks.

SUE

Here are the beers. I took the liberty of bringing some free wings; let me know if you need anything else.

JUDAS

Thanks babe!

Sue winks at Judas then leaves.

JUDAS

You’re an idiot, Phil. Did you honestly think I was going to believe your dumb explanation? “She doesn’t work Mondays because it gets too crowded.” She’s a freaking waitress; they fight to work the crowded nights.

PHILIP

Shut up; I just didn’t think it was fair for us to lose this great bar, just because you can’t keep it in your pants.

JUDAS

Life isn’t fair, Phil. Let’s get back to the Vegas trip.

BARTHOLOMEW

I landed on Friday morning and checked in to the Wynn. Everything was over the top; the food was amazing and I met some great women at the pool. The club was bananas and I ended the night on a high note. If you know what I’m saying?

PHILIP

Yeah, we get it; poor girl.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I decided Saturday was going to be fantasy day. I had three things that I’ve always wanted to do and I was on a mission.

SIMON

Let me guess; you banged a tranny?

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

These are my fantasies, not yours. The first thing was renting a Ferrari.

JUDAS

Nice!

BARTHOLOMEW

It cost almost two thousand for the day, but I don’t regret a penny.

JUDAS

How fast did you go?

BARTHOLOMEW

I’ll get to all the details. The second thing I wanted to do, was bang one of those card chicks.

PHILIP

What the hell is a card chick?

SIMON

You never went to Vegas?

PHILIP

No.

JUDAS

What the hell is a virgin going to do in Vegas?

PHILIP

You’re the most predictable person in the world.

JUDAS

You’re the one who’s predictable; did Phil smash today? HELL NO!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Vegas is easy to navigate; you can just walk everywhere. There are large sidewalks and all of the casinos are fairly close. The streets are wide and usually busy, but there are overpasses for pedestrians, everywhere.While you walk, there are usually people who are hired to hand out business cards for prostitutes.

PHILIP

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, the people have hundreds of cards and they pass them out to pedestrians.

SIMON

He’s not lying; the cards have pictures of naked chicks on them.

PHILIP

No wonder they call it Sin City.

BARTHOLOMEW

Most people take the cards and throw them on the ground. If you look down, you’ll see them scattered, everywhere.

JUDAS

It’s crazy! You’ll see families walking down the street and the ten year-old boys can’t seem to avoid being fixated on the ground.

BARTHOLOMEW

The most awkward thing about the cards is the people who hand them out. A lot of them are seventy year-old Mexican women.

PHILIP

No way!

BARTHOLOMEW

For real.

SIMON

It’s true; they have handfuls and they pass you a card with some hot chick, butt-naked.

PHILIP

That’s really weird.

BARTHOLOMEW

I drove down the street in a bright yellow Ferrari and pulled up to the oldest lady I could find. I figured, I might as well go with the full experience.

PHILIP

That is a little sick.

BARTHOLOMEW

Nonetheless, it happened. I grabbed a card and called the number on the back. I figured the actual girl was not the one pictured, and I was fine with that fact.

SIMON

How did she look?

BARTHOLOMEW

She was actually hotter than the girl in the picture; I couldn’t believe it.

JUDAS

You lucky dog.

PHILIP

How is that lucky? I hope you strapped up.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m not an idiot, Phil. The chick showed up to my room and her rates were surprisingly reasonable. After I was “massaged,” I decided to complete the final fantasy.

JUDAS

Why didn’t I become an accountant?

PHILIP

Because you can barely count!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Most people are under the impression that prostitution is legal in Vegas, but it is not. There are some legal brothels in Nevada, but you have to drive outside of the big city. I always wanted to go to one of these places.

PHILIP

You banged two prostitutes in one day? How sick are you?

SIMON

This isn’t Bible study, Phil; allow the guy finish the story.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thank you, kind sir. Anyway, I wanted to fulfill a fantasy and I drove out to one of the brothels. To answer the previous question, the roads are pretty open in the middle of the desert and I reached a top speed of one hundred and sixty eight miles per hour.

JUDAS

Damn, I have to do that at least once before I die.

BARTHOLOMEW

It was one of the best experiences ever. I pulled up to the brothel and revved the engine a few time so all the whores would see that I was in a Ferrari.

PHILIP

Classy.

BARTHOLOMEW

I thought so! As I was saying, I stepped out slowly, I wanted to be over dramatic. I had on a tailored Italian suit and in place of a handkerchief, I placed five one hundred dollar bills in my jacket pocket.

JUDAS

None of this makes any sense; wouldn’t you want them to think you didn’t have money, so you can get a better deal?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! I wanted them to see that I had money. The fantasy doesn’t work unless each prostitute wants me to choose her. I walked slowly to the front door and rang the bell. A few moments later, I was escorted inside and the sluts were lined up in front of me.

SIMON

Were they hot?

BARTHOLOMEW

I won’t lie; there were some beautiful chicks there. One more enhanced than the next. I thought I was in Nevada, but I was clearly in silicon valley.

SIMON

Damn, you should have taken me, man. I can see the mountain tops.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I stood in front of the herd and looked over each woman. You could see them salivating; this would be the big pay day they each waited patiently for. I slowly stepped closer and carefully scrutinized each prostitute. After a thorough inspection, i slowly turned towards the madam, shrugged my shoulders and said, “No thanks; I;m all set!”

JUDAS

WHAT!

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah man. I turned my back to the whores and walked out. I hopped into the Ferrari and peeled off. I was sure to burn some rubber so that the sluts will always be reminded of the incident every time they see the tire marks!

PHILIP

You’re an asshole.

SIMON

I can’t believe you did that; how can you not bang at least one of the chicks?

BARTHOLOMEW

It was my fantasy. I obviously knew that I would want to bang one of the chicks so I planned ahead.

JUDAS

You had a prostitute waiting in the room?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! I had the chick from the card in the car; she blew me while I sped back to Vegas. It was mind blowing!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

It was one of the best weekends ever.

JUDAS

I am so jealous.

BARTHOLOMEW

The jet lag is really kicking my ass.

Bartholomew Pulled out two hundred dollar bills from his wallet and placed it on the table.

BARTHOLOMEW

This one’s on me guys. I’m out of here; enjoy the night.

Bartholomew left and the guys ordered more drinks.

JUDAS

Hey Simon, did that chick end up asking you about me?

SIMON

Oh wow! I completely forgot about calling her; I’ll hit her up tomorrow.

JUDAS

Cool! I’ll hit IT up soon!

The guys laugh. At the end of the night, Judas left with Sue.

                                            [It's A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 10

Bagging Up – Episode 8

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Episode 1   Episode 2    Episode 3  Episode 4   Episode 5   Episode 6   Episode 7

INT. SPORTS BAR

Simon, Bartholomew, and Philip agree to meet Judas for some beers and Thursday Night Football. Judas is seated at a table with an unknown guy.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey, it’s the good doctor. Beep beep!

JUDAS

It’s working like a charm!

SIMON

Who’s this?

JUDAS

This is my friend Dan; we went to the U together.

BARTHOLOMEW

So he’s an idiot?

DAN

Let me guess; you like FSU?

BATHOLOMEW

GO GATORS!

JUDAS

Same difference.

Batholomew extends his arm out.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m Bart.

DAN

Nice to meet you.

JUDAS

This is Phil, and he’s Simon.

DAN

Hey.

JUDAS

Are you ready for some football?

SIMON

Let’s do it.

Dan stands up.

DAN

It was nice to meet you guys; I’m about to hit the bathroom then take off.

PHILIP

You’re not joining us?

DAN

No, I have to get going soon.

PHILIP

Well, I guess it was nice to meet you.

DAN

Likewise.

The guys sit down and Dan heads for the restroom. Judas motions for the waitress.

JUDAS

Blue Moon good?

BARTHOLOMEW

Perfect!

WAITRESS

What can I get you guys?

JUDAS

Sue, we’ll have four more and four orders of wings.

SUE

Is that it?

JUDAS

That should hold us down for a little bit.

SUE

Great! Hey Simon; I haven’t seen you in a while.

SIMON

Hey.

Sue walks away and turns to look at Simon again before entering the kitchen.

JUDAS

Can you please explain to me why you don’t smash that?

SIMON

I told you; Leslie lives near here, they know each other and I don’t need the headache.

JUDAS

You’re getting soft. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to pipe it.

SIMON

That’s all you.

PHILIP

I don’t think she really likes Judas; every time we come here, he’s hollering at a different woman.

JUDAS

She likes me; she just doesn’t know it yet.

BARTHOLOMEW

Said the rapist!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

So, what’s up with Dan?

JUDAS

He’s crazy; we had a blast on campus. You’ll never find a guy who can bag more chicks then that guy.

Simon notices a familiar face and stands up.

SIMON

What the hell is Heather doing here?

Simon waves hello to Heather and she walks over to the table.

HEATHER

Hey, what are you doing here.

SIMON

I was going to ask you the same thing; this is my bar.

HEATHER

I’m actually meeting a friend of mine.

SIMON

You’re not cheating on me, are you?

HEATHER

Of course not; don’t be silly!

The two friends laugh and Simon makes the introductions.

HEATHER

I’m actually here to meet a friend of mine.

JUDAS

Is she hot?

HEATHER

My friend is hot, but I’m actually a guy. He’s gay; maybe I can put in a good word for you.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

No thanks; I’m all set.

HEATHER

Too bad!

BARTHOLOMEW

Simon, I like this chick.

SIMON

Yeah, she’s ok.

HEATHER

Just ok? Thanks!

SIMON

You know what I mean.

HEATHER

You guys enjoy your night; I’m going to try and find my friend.

SIMON

Have fun.

HEATHER

I’ll give you a call soon.

Simon winks at her.

JUDAS

Who’s the hell is that?

SIMON

I bagged her a while ago.

JUDAS

My apologies for saying you are slipping.

SIMON

I’m always on my game.

PHILIP

I’m sure Leslie loves her.

JUDAS

Don’t even start with that crap.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s just Phil being Phil; who do we have tonight?

PHILIP

The Eagles and the Seahawks.

SIMON

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

C’mon, the schedule makers definitely blew it this week.

SIMON

Definitely!

BARTHOLOMEW

I hope there’s a good college basketball game on.

JUDAS

You never know; it might be a good game?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! I know. When you said tonight was all about the birds, I thought you meant hot chicks.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Maybe; it’s still early.

BARTHOLOMEW

Looks like you are right; Dan is about to bag Heather. I don’t think her friend showed up.

The guys all look towards the back of the bar.

JUDAS

Sorry Simon; she’s as good as gone.

SIMON

It’s all good, she’s her husbands problem, not mine.

PHILIP

She’s married?

SIMON

Yeah man; she’s a Brett Favre.

PHILIP

A Brett Favre?

SIMON

Yeah, he cheated on Green Bay with Minnesota; I categorize my chicks after quarterbacks.

PHILIP

Please elaborate.

SIMON

A married chick who is faithful is a Peyton Manning; she’s not going anywhere. A hot chick who you can’t stand because she is way too religious, is a Tebow.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Keep them coming.

SIMON

Your big girls are the Roethlisbergers, aka Big Ben. Single chicks with no ring, that’s a Dan Marino.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

That’s not cool man; Marino was good.

BARTHOLOMEW

No, it makes sense; she’s good, not good enough to get a ring.

SIMON

Exactly. These are fairly simple. Obviously, any chick who hates your pet is a Michael Vick. A chick who messes up a lot is a Jay Cutler, and so on.

JUDAS

I like this system.

SIMON

I met some Joe Montanas. Those are the really good ones; Leslie is a Joe Montana. She’s really good, but not great; I’m still waiting to meet my John Elway.

BARTHOLOMEW

There are no Elways out there; John Elways are extinct.

SIMON

You have to keep the faith.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m good!

SIMON

It was actually nice to see Heather; a pleasant surprise.

BARTHOLOMEW

Pleasant surprises are good; it’s the unpleasant ones that I have a problem with.

SIMON

I definitely don’t need anymore of those.

BARTHOLOMEW

A pleasant surprise is when you find an onion ring inside your Burger King fries.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

An unpleasant surprise is when your wife finally decides to have a threesome with her hot coworker, but you aren’t invited. To make things worse, you discover that your best friend was!

JUDAS

Ouch!

SIMON

I definitely don’t want to experience that.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s what happens to the nice guys.

JUDAS

You better watch out Phil; you’re on the wrong path.

PHILIP

I wouldn’t marry a whore who would cheat on me.

JUDAS

Of course not, Phil. You would never fall for a whore. By the way, how’s Courtney doing?

BARTHOLOMEW

Why are you going there?

JUDAS

Relax; it was a joke.

PHILIP

I’m not going to change my ways to please someone who is unhappy with his own life.

SIMON

Is he unhappy?

PHILIP

Of course; I see through the bull.

JUDAS

Thanks Dr. Phil; how much do I owe you for this session?

PHILIP

This one’s on the house!

Sue walks up to the table. and leans over Simon.

SUE

Do you need anything else?

SIMON

Ah, I think we’ll have another round.

SUE

Anymore wings?

SIMON

Anyone?

PHILIP

I’ll take another order.

SUE

None for you, Simon?

SIMON

No, I’m good for now.

SUE

Ok, I’ll be right back with your beer.

SIMON

Thanks.

SUE

Anytime!

She heads back to the kitchen.

PHILIP

I see what you’re talking about, Judas; she’s all over you!

The guys all laugh.

JUDAS

Don’t count me out. Once I bang her, I’ll call you and let you know how good it was.

PHILIP

Should I hold my breath?

BARTHOLOMEW

I think I like this new Phil; keep the punches coming.

SIMON

I don’t think Phil will ever forget about losing Courtney.

JUDAS

You can’t lose something you never had. Phil should worry about losing his virginity and forget about Courtney.

The guys laugh. Simon checks his phone after a text message alert.

SIMON

It’s Heather. looks like this Favre can’t get enough.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did she say?

SIMON

She said we need to talk.

JUDAS

You know what that means; she wants to ask you if it’s cool for me to bang it.

PHILIP

Yeah, that’s exactly what it means. I think you’re losing touch with reality.

SIMON

If you want, I can ask her if this is about you?

JUDAS

No. Let her bring it up.

PHILIP

You’re insane.

The guys laugh. They continue to by drinks while ignoring the football game.

BARTHOLOMEW

Did anyone even watch the game?

SIMON

Hell no.

BARTHOLOMEW

Let’s chug these beers and get the hell out of here.

JUDAS

You guys can leave, but I’m not going without Sue.

PHILIP

You know we have laws against kidnapping?

JUDAS

She’s not a kid, jackass!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

Be gentle; she looks fragile.

JUDAS

Nope; I’m going to tear that up since Phil doubts my game.

PHILIP

If I take back my comment, will you leave her alone?

JUDAS

Too late; once I accept a challenge, I have to go through with it.

PHILIP

Poor girl.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m sure she’ll be ok; she’s probably a closet freak.

SIMON

She’s definitely not shy.

BARTHOLOMEW

Let’s finish these beers and let Judas work his black magic.

Judas watches as his friends inhale their drinks.

JUDAS

Drive safe!

The guys laugh. Judas remains seated but the other guys exit the bar. He motions for Sue to join him at the table.

SUE

Are you ready to close out, Mr. Last Customer?

JUDAS

Yeah, but can I ask you a question?

SUE

Sure.

JUDAS

Do you hate me?

SUE

Why would you say that?

JUDAS

Because, you never show any interest in me.

SUE

What? Your the one who doesn’t show any interest in me; you’re always chasing the customers.

JUDAS

That’s because I didn’t think you would be interested. Do you want to hang out after you close up?

SUE

If you don’t mind waiting a little longer, I’d love to.

JUDAS

Great! I’m glad I asked.

Twenty minutes elapsed. Judas led Sue to his car and they rode to his apartment.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

After a night of passion, Judas picked up his phone. He sent a text to Philip. “Hey jackass, I just banged Sue! It was everything your virgin mind ever imagined sex to be!!!”

SUE

What are you doing?

JUDAS

Just reminding Phil that he has to give me a ride to my mechanic, in the morning.

SUE

Oh.

JUDAS

Yeah, I have to replace the battery for the heater. I’ve been freezing my ass off for the past week.

SUE

I was wondering why you didn’t turn on the heat.

Judas leaves the bed and begins to get dressed.

JUDAS

It’ll be easier if I take you home right now.

SUE

Yeah, I don’t think we should let Phil know our business before our relationship is more serious.

JUDAS

Uh, yeah.

EXT. Judas’ Car

After a short drive to Sue’s apartment, she gives Judas a loving hug before exiting the car.

SUE

Call me!

JUDAS

Ok, I will.

Sue enters her building and Phil grabs for his phone. He sends another text to Phil, who is clearly fast asleep. “Cool bar, too bad we can never go there again; I’m going to miss it!”

Judas drives off!

                                              [It's A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 9

Bagging Up – Episode 7

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Episode 1   Episode 2   Episode 3   Episode 4   Episode 5   Episode 6

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

The buzzer sounds. Bartholomew jumps up excitedly and buzzes the door open.

BARTHOLOMEW

Uh oh! Let’s get ready to rumble!

JUDAS

It’s not that big a deal.

SIMON

Dude, I talked to Phil; he’s pissed. This get together was his idea; he definitely wants to talk with you.

JUDAS

The only person he can be mad at is himself for fumbling the rock.

BARTHOLOMEW

No one said he was justified. We just said, he’s pissed.

The door opens and Philip walks through.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on, playa?

Simon laughs out loud, but Judas keeps his composure, not wanting to exacerbate the situation.

PHILIP

Hey Bart. What’s up Simon?

Philip turns his attention to Judas.

PHILIP

Benedict!

JUDAS

You’re not serious, are you?

PHILIP

You went behind my back and ruined the opportunity for me and Courtney to build a long lasting relationship.

JUDAS

Phil, she was a slut. Why can’t you understand that fact?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil. Look at the facts; she was a whore.

PHILIP

Everyone has a past. The fact of the matter is, she could have been my wife.

The room is filled with laughter.

JUDAS

Phil, I was going to try and discuss this, but clearly, you are insane.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, the whore housewife thing is real; you can’t change her.

PHILIP

So you guys are saying I have no right to be angry?

JUDAS

Yeah!

SIMON

I didn’t say that. Judas was definitely wrong for going behind your back.

BARTHOLOMEW

I would agree, except for the fact that Phil always fumbles the rock. It’s almost as if he has an addiction to fumbling; this incident might just be his rock bottom.

SIMON

In a way, you’re right, but Judas was still fucked up; he should have let Phil know he was going to bang her.

JUDAS

you’re right; I should have told Phil, and for that I apologize. I honestly didn’t think you would ever try to bang her.

PHILIP

I wanted more than just sex. Why can’t you understand that?

JUDAS

Phil, I don’t know any other way to say it other than calling her a slut. She was not the girl for you.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, this captain save-a-ho shit has to stop. Chicks like Courtney are supposed to be passed around, nothing more, nothing less.

SIMON

I wouldn’t mind taking a turn.

Bartholomew and Judas laugh, but Phil Shoots a death stare at Simon.

SIMON

I’m just playing, damn.

PHILIP

I just want an apology.

JUDAS

I’m truly sorry, Phil. I’ll never go behind your back again.

BARTHOLOMEW

Don’t say that; I think Phil wants you behind his back.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

You owe us an apology too, Phil. This isn’t Texas Hold ‘Em; you don’t slow play it with a slut.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, definitely not with two Jacks!

Everyone laughs. Phil too cracks a smile.

PHILIP

With friends like you guys, I don’t need to live.

SIMON

What the hell did I do?

PHILIP

You’re all in this together. I’m never going to apologize for being a gentleman.

JUDAS

Speaking of being a GENTLE man, why the hell did you take her to the airport?

PHILIP

Because she is still a friend.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I don’t expect anything less from you, Phil. You are who you are.

SIMON

Couldn’t the two of you have discussed this over dinner? Why the hell did me and Bart have to be summoned?

PHILIP

I thought I asked you to call Matt; I wanted to talk about my conversation with James.

SIMON

I did call him, but his cell went to voicemail. I called the house phone, but the parole officer picked up and she refused to give him the phone.

JUDAS

What?

SIMON

Yeah, she said he had better things to do than hang around with a bunch of idiots.

JUDAS

That’s not going down.

Judas picks up the phone and dials Matthias’ cell phone.

MATTHIAS

Hello.

JUDAS

Why didn’t you return Simon’s call?

MATTHIAS

Ah…I was going to…but…uh… I’ve been real busy with my latest case.

JUDAS

You are the most whipped man on the planet. Are you telling me that your wife won’t let you chill with us anymore?

MATTHIAS

What are you talking about? I’ve really been busy; I’m not lying.

JUDAS

If you’re not lying, I would like you to explain why your wife didn’t pass YOU, YOUR phone, when Simon called YOUR house.

MATTHIAS

She was probably just joking around.

JUDAS

You’re such a bitch. The reason we are trying to contact you, is because Phil spoke with James and he wanted to talk about the convo; either you get your ass over here, or I never want to speak to you again.

MATTHIAS

Hold on a second.

JUDAS

No, be a man and answer me! You know what, I’m going to let Bart deal with you.

Judas passes the phone to Bartholomew.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hello.

MATTHIAS

Hey Bart.

BARTHOLOMEW

Matt, what’s happening with you? Don’t tell me “the boss” won’t let you chill with your boys.

MATTHIAS

Hold on a second, Bart.

Matthias attempts to cover the mouthpiece, but Bartholomew can still hear the conversation.

MATTHIAS

Hey hun.

MICHELLE

What?

MATTHIAS

I’m about to go to the store. Do you need anything?

MICHELLE

What are you going to the store for?

MATTHIAS

Just to pick up something.

MICHELLE

What do you mean something? Where are you going?

MATTHIAS

To the store.

MICHELLE

Hold on, something isn’t right. I knew it, who are you on the phone with.

MATTHIAS

I’m talking with Bart. I was going to pick up some things at the store and then stop by Judas’ so we can talk about James.

MICHELLE

No! that’s not happening; I’m tired of those idiots bringing their drama into our house.

MATTHIAS

It’s just for a few minutes. I never tell you who to be friends with.

MICHELLE

We already talked about this. My friends don’t need adult supervision. Why are we discussing it again?

Bartholomew cannot stand to listen to anymore; he hangs up the phone and shakes his head in disbelief.

JUDAS

What happened?

BARTHOLOMEW

He was begging her, and she just kept saying “no.” It’s like he’s her child.

JUDAS

I always knew that chick was bad news; ever since the first time I met her and she had a “rude excuse me!”

PHILIP

What the hell is a “rude excuse me?”

JUDAS

You know; it’s when a chick wants to get by and she says “excuse me,” but with an ill attitude.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

It’s crazy! These chicks take, arguably the most courteous phrase, and turn it into something rude. I hate chicks who give the “rude excuse me!”

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell yeah, I can’t stand that.

JUDAS

I honestly don’t ever want to talk to Matt; that shit is weak.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I feel you.

PHILIP

Hopefully, he’ll get his manhood back.

Judas stands up and looks directly at Simon.

JUDAS

That better not be what happens to you!

SIMON

C’mon son; don’t ever disrespect me like that again!

JUDAS

This shit sucks!

SIMON

So Phil, what happened with James?

The conversation is interrupted by a beeping noise. Judas reaches for his hip and retrieves a device.

SIMON

That beeper ring tone is kinda hot; it reminds me of back in the day.

JUDAS

That’s no ring tone.

Judas holds up a beeper and the guys laugh uncontrollably.

JUDAS

Don’t laugh; this is hot.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you shitting me? When the hell did you get a beeper; all of a sudden you’re a doctor?

JUDAS

Na, it’s for the team; these chicks have been driving me crazy.

PHILIP

Please explain, because I can’t wait to hear this.

JUDAS

I got tired of dealing with these chicks, so I started giving them my beeper number. If they want to contact me, they have to beep me.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

It’s the best idea I ever came up with. I never have to deal with any nonsense. The calls are always short and to the point. I call them back with my cell number blocked out and tell them I’m on a payphone. For some reason, I never have enough change to talk for more than a few minutes.

SIMON

If Leslie wasn’t such a private detective, I would definitely use that.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s actually not a bad idea.

PHILIP

Lying is always a bad idea.

JUDAS

Say what you want, but I love my beeper. Not to mention the fact that some chicks assume I’m a doctor; my team is growing exponentially.

PHILIP

You honestly need to get tested.

JUDAS

Too bad they haven’t invented a gay/straight test; we need to work on one of these for you.

Everyone but Phil laughs.

BARTHOLOMEW

I love the beeper, but I want to hear what Phil has to say about James.

JUDAS

Yeah Phil, what’d he say?

PHILIP

First he thanked me for sending some money from his stash. The good news is, he hasn’t been raped yet. He joined the bloods, so he is protected.

JUDAS

Did he say what they made him do?

PHILIP

No, he said it was confidential and he didn’t want to discuss it over the phone. In fact, the entire conversation was weird because he spoke in code; he’s super paranoid.

BARTHOLOMEW

Did they offer him the plea?

PHILIP

Yeah, he has to do three and a half.

JUDAS

That sucks, but it’s way better than what he was facing. I need to get his lawyer.

BARTHOLOMEW

Looks like the crew won’t be the same for a few years.

JUDAS

The crew will never be the same; Matt is doing life.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I almost forgot about his situation.

JUDAS

What else did James say?

PHILIP

Nothing much. He will be moved to the prison in a month or so, then we can go back and visit him.

SIMON

I’m definitely not missing this one.

PHILIP

What if Leslie catches you again?

SIMON

Who cares. The one thing I realized was the fact that she wasn’t going to leave; I should have just went to see James instead of wasting my time on that couple’s retreat.

PHILIP

Dude, you cheated on her while you were there.

SIMON

Oh yeah, I almost forgot; it wasn’t a complete waste, after all.

PHILIP

I can’t say this enough; she’s a lucky girl.

JUDAS

She is lucky. Simon might stray every now and again, but he always makes it back home.

PHILIP

I’m outta here. I’m too tired for this nonsense.

JUDAS

Yeah, it’s time for everyone to leave; I have to make a phone call. My lady friend beeped me, 911.

The guys laugh as they exit the apartment.

                                           [It's A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 8

Bagging Up – Episode 6

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4  Episode 5

INT. SIMON’S APARTMENT.

Judas stopped by to discuss his investment portfolio.

PHILIP

Great! Everything looks in order. Thanks for looking out for my future.

SIMON

You should be able to buy a beach house on the Vineyard and a yacht, in a few years.

PHILIP

Sounds great!

SIMON

Just don’t forget your boy when you move on up.

PHILIP

I got you!

SIMON

Speaking of got me, how about you treat me to dinner for all of my hard work?

PHILIP

I’ll have to take a rain check; I have to pick up Courtney from the airport.

SIMON

Courtney? Who the hell is that?

PHILIP

The beautiful woman I met in Tucson.

SIMON

She’s coming to visit you in Boston?

PHILIP

Yeah, she’ll be in town visiting a friend of her’s, so we’re having dinner tonight.

SIMON

Tell me you’re going to smash it.

PHILIP

My sex life is none of your business.

SIMON

I’ll take that as a big no!

PHILIP

I’ll talk to you later; I’m outta here.

SIMON

Wait! Before you go, I want to say a prayer.

Simon grabs Philip’s hand and looks skyward.

SIMON

Dear Lord, on this beautiful day, I want you to bless Phil and give him the strength and confidence to bed one of your most beautiful specimens.

Philip releases his hand and walks towards the door while Simon laughs.

PHILIP

You’re laughing now, but you won’t be laughing in Hell!

Philip exits and the door closes.

INT BARTHOLOMEW’S APARTMENT.

Later on in the evening, Simon decided to drive over to his friend’s house since Philip was busy.

SIMON

Hey, did you hear that Phil is going to dinner with that hot chick from Arizona.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t want to hear anything about Phil’s sex life.

SIMON

I never said anything about sex.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be taking Leslie to the movies or something?

SIMON

Hell no! I told her that I had to help you with a personal problem. I need my personal space; I discovered that I can’t be around one woman for more than a few hours.

BARTHOLOMEW

So what’s the point of being in a relationship?

SIMON

You have to have that one girl who will always hold you down.

BARTHOLOMEW

I get the feeling that this is relationship is not going to end well for you.

SIMON

Probably not.

The doorbell rings. Bartholomew lets in Judas.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on.

JUDAS

I have a hot date later, so I decided to see what you losers were doing for the night while I wait for “the call.”

SIMON

Don’t tell me you’re going to a club.

JUDAS

Hell no! I told her that I was busy, so we’ll only have enough time for sex, tonight.

BARTHOLOMEW

Nice!

JUDAS

I wanted to talk to you guys about a new business venture that you might want to hop on.

BARTHOLOMEW

What type of business?

JUDAS

One of the guys I train, has his own company and he is looking for investors. They are going to revolutionize the sexual experience by making safe sex more enjoyable.

SIMON

How?

BARTHOLOMEW

Don’t tell me it’s a more realistic sex doll.

JUDAS

No! There will be no more need for condoms.

SIMON

No condoms? I like the sound of that.

JUDAS

Apparently, scientist have developed a spray-on condom.

BARTHOLOMEW

What? That’s ridiculous.

JUDAS

I’m serious. You spray-on the liquid and you will be protected from all STDs.

SIMON

I don’t think it would actually work, but I’d try it.

JUDAS

It really works. They already  performed a bunch of tests. They are so sure, the box will come with a money back guarantee.

BARTHOLOMEW

This should be good.

JUDAS

If you catch an STD, the company will give you your money back.

Simon and Bartholomew laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

So let me get this straight. You apply the spray, and then if it doesn’t work and you catch AIDS, the company will give you your five bucks back?

JUDAS

You don’t have to invest if you don’t want to; just don’t be pissed when I’m a multi-millionaire.

BARTHOLOMEW

You might make millions, but all of the lawsuits will leave you broke.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I don’t know, I kind of like it. You get to bang a chick raw without the fear.

BARTHOLOMEW

I wish you guys the best of luck.

JUDAS

You’re such a hater.

Judas’ Phone rings.

JUDAS

Hello.

WOMAN

Hey, I just finished dinner, should I just take a cab over?

JUDAS

Yeah, I’ll be here waiting for you; I can’t wait to see you.

WOMAN

I’ll be there soon.

Judas hangs up his cell phone.

JUDAS

Sorry fellas, I gotta go; duty calls.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you going to use the spray?

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

If I had a sample, I definitely would.

Judas walks towards the door and Simon decides to head home, as well.

INT. NEIGHBORHOOD DINER.

The following morning, the guys decided to get together for a late breakfast.

SIMON

Hey Bart, if you don’t mind, I want to talk to Phil about his dinner date.

BARTHOLOMEW

You know what? I’m not going to get upset anymore. Phil will be Phil; it is what it is.

SIMON

So Phil, what happened?

PHILIP

We had dinner.

SIMON

I know, but did you smash?

PHILIP

My objective wasn’t sex; I wanted to reestablish our friendship.

SIMON

You’re right Bart, he is who he is. Chick flies all the way up here from freaking Tucson, and this dude doesn’t seal the deal.

BARTHOLOMEW

It is what it is.

PHILIP

I actually ended up going to my neighbor’s party after the dinner.

SIMON

Did you meet any chicks?

PHILIP

No, but there was a drunk dude who wanted to drive himself home.

BARTHOLOMEW

Tell me you guys took his keys.

PHILIP

No, the host actually placed a do not resuscitate form in the dude’s pockets and sent him on his way.

SIMON

I guess he deserved that!

The conversation stops when Judas walks in.

JUDAS

I don’t know about you guys, but I feel drained.

SIMON

Why didn’t you bring your companion with you; we would have liked to meet her.

JUDAS

She was here to serve a purpose and she fulfilled her duties quite well! She’s actually still knocked out, but I left a note telling her to meet us here.

PHILIP

Lucky girl! I don’t know how you keep finding these low self esteem women.

JUDAS

It’s a gift!

SIMON

You’re not the only one who had a date last night.

JUDAS

You  get caught cheating on Leslie again?

SIMON

Not me, it was Phil.

JUDAS

Yeah, did you smash?

SIMON

What do you think? He took the girl to dinner and nothing else.

JUDAS

Damn Phil, you have to stop wasting your time. The friend zone is for losers. I’ll give you some pointers.

PHILIP

No thanks! I heard about your new condom spray.

The guys laugh. Judas spots the woman from the previous night. He stands up and waves her over. When she arrives at their table, everyone except for Simon is speechless. It turns out that the woman is Courtney, from Arizona.

COURTNEY

Hey guys. Bart, Phil.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey.

Philip remains speechless.

JUDAS

Courtney, this is Simon.

COURTNEY

Hello, Simon.

SIMON

Hi! It’s nice to finally meet you.

Courtney takes a seat.

PHILIP

SO, how do you two know each other?

JUDAS

Well, you told me to start making friends on Facebook, so I did. Courtney was one of my “people you may know.”

COURTNEY

Yeah, he sent me a friend request, and we hit it off.

PHILIP

That’s great. When you said you were meeting a friend, I didn’t realize it was a guy.

COURTNEY

Is there a problem? This isn’t weird for you, is it?

PHILIP

No, don’t be silly. Me and you are just friends. I was just surprised, that’s all.

COURTNEY

Great!

BARTHOLOMEW

Wonderful!

Bartholomew shakes his head.

COURTNEY

Well, I just stopped by to say hello, I’m going to head back to the hotel and get ready for the day. Phil, we’re still going to the museum today, right?

PHILIP

Yes, just call me when you’re ready.

COURTNEY

Super, I can’t wait.

Courtney leans over and plants a kiss on Judas’s lips.

COURTNEY

I’ll see you later tonight! Bye guys.

Courtney leaves the diner.

SIMON

Wow, that was brutal.

PHILIP

You’re a bigger asshole than I thought.

JUDAS

What are you talking about?

PHILIP

Courtney is a great woman and you’re treating her like one of your sluts.

JUDAS

First of all, it was your idea for me to make friends on Facebook. I can’t help it if Courtney decided to fly up here. Plus, you said you weren’t trying to smash.

PHILIP

If you hurt her, I’ll make you pay.

JUDAS

What are you talking about? You don’t even know the chick.

SIMON

Yeah man, you’re acting crazy. The chick is a whore.

JUDAS

Exactly, I talked to her for a couple days and she hopped on a plane and flew out here for some dick; that’s not a good girl, Phil.

BARTHOLOMEW

These things are expected when you enter into the friend zone; don’t cock block, Phil.

SIMON

Hold on! I can’t believe what I just realized. Phil took her out to dinner and warmed her up for Judas to smash.

Everyone but Philip laughs.

PHILIP

I’m going home to get ready to hang out with my friend; we’ll discuss this later.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you crazy? Don’t tell me you’re going to warm her up for Judas, again!

SIMON

Yeah Phil, cancel the museum.

PHILIP

I offered to take Courtney to the museum and I’m not going to cancel because you guys are too childish to understand the value of a friendship.

BARTHOLOMEW

Why don’t you just admit that you are pissed that Judas is banging the chick you fell in love with?

PHILIP

She’s my friend. And the way that you guys are behaving, I’m not sure I can say the same about my boys.

Philip leaves the diner.

SIMON

Why did you bang the broad? You knew Phil was in love with her.

JUDAS

I wasn’t trying to. She’s a freak!

BARTHOLOMEW

Don’t sweat it; Phil has to learn the hard way.

JUDAS

Yeah, I guess.

The guys leave the diner.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

Judas and Courtney were laying in bed after a passionate night.

JUDAS

Your flight is tomorrow morning, right?

COURTNEY

No, it’s at 2pm. I can sleep over and leave in the morning.

JUDAS

Great.

COURTNEY

Will you be able to take me to Logan? I only have my carry-on, so I can get there around 1:15.

JUDAS

I can drop you off around 12, but i won’t be able to do it at 1.

COURTNEY

Why not? It’s Sunday.

JUDAS

Exactly! The first NFL games start at 1pm.

COURTNEY

You’re kidding, right?

JUDAS

No! My Sundays are very important to me. I don’t miss the games for anyone.

COURTNEY

So all of a sudden, I’m anyone?

JUDAS

How are you going to ask me to do you a favor, and then get mad when I am too busy to oblige?

COURTNEY

I thought you were different, but I guess you’re just like all the other guys.

JUDAS

Why does this always happen?

COURTNEY

I’m definitely not sleeping in here tonight. You know, you can learn a lot from Phil; he’s a true gentleman.

JUDAS

I’ll ask him for some tips.

COURTNEY

I’ll be sleeping on the couch. Good night.

JUDAS

There are some extra covers and pillows in the hallway closet.

COURTNEY

Thanks.

JUDAS

Good night.

In the morning, Judas wakes up to find Courtney is gone. He decides to call her.

COURTNEY

Hello.

JUDAS

Hey, why didn’t you let me know you were leaving?

COURTNEY

I didn’t want to wake you. Phil was good enough to meet me for breakfast and he dropped me off at the airport. he’s a great guy.

JUDAS

That’s the Phil I know. Ok, I hope you have a safe flight.

COURTNEY

Thanks. If you care, I’ll call you when I land.

JUDAS

Yeah, that’s cool. Next time, I’ll fly out to Arizona.

COURTNEY

I should stop talking to you since you’re an asshole, but I guess you can come out here and make up for your behavior.

JUDAS

Ok, we’ll talk later.

COURTNEY

Ok, bye.

                   [It's A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 7

Bagging Up – Episode 5

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3  Episode 4

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

The following Friday, the guys agree to meet up to discuss the visit with James. Everyone is sitting in the living room waiting for Matthias to arrive.

[The doorbell rings.]

JUDAS

Finally!

Judas buzzes the door open.

BARTHOLOMEW

So Simon, is everything back to normal with you and Leslie?

SIMON

Of course! She loves me; I can pretty much do whatever I want.

PHILIP

She deserves to be treated better.

SIMON

You’re talking? I wanna hear about the latest fumble; I hear it was epic.

Bartholomew looks at Phil. shakes his head disapprovingly, and walks towards the bathroom without saying a word.

SIMON

Damn, it was that bad huh?

JUDAS

Yeah!

The door opens and Matthias walks in.

MATTHIAS

I got here before Bart?

JUDAS

He’s in the bathroom; why are you always late?

MATTHIAS

Because unlike you losers, I actually have a real job with real responsibilities.

Simon exits the bathroom.

SIMON

Ok, everyone is here; what happened with James?

JUDAS

Nothing really. He is doing as good as can be expected. He still won’t know how long he’ll be locked up, until his lawyer hears back from the prosecutor.

SIMON

They offered him a plea?

JUDAS

Not yet, but that’s what he’s hoping for. He said for us to keep in touch and pray for him; that’s about all we can do.

MATTHIAS

Damn, this sucks.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, first we lose you to marriage, and now this.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

I’m trying to be serious and you’re cracking jokes.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m serious; you’re whipped.

JUDAS

I already told you guys what happened with James and the girl, and that’s pretty much all we know about his ordeal. What happened with you this weekend, Simon?

SIMON

I handled business.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re getting soft; I can’t believe you backed out of the trip. Did you do any site seeing?

SIMON

I actually had a great time. I was pissed the first day, but then I met a hottie and things turned for the better.

PHILIP

You bagged a chick during your couple’s weekend? What’s wrong with you; didn’t you go there to work on being a better boyfriend?

SIMON

No dumbass! I went to shut Leslie up. I didn’t want to deal with her complaining.

JUDAS

Nice!

PHILIP

You guys are unbelievable.

SIMON

I don’t know about me, but the Susan was extremely unbelievable.

BARTHOLOMEW

You banged the chick?

SIMON

Of course!

JUDAS

I gotta hear this!

SIMON

It was easy. When I got of the phone with you guys, I asked around and found a day spa. I bought Leslie the works and surprised her. Not only did I score major points and get a handsome reward when she returned, but I cleared up enough free time to score with Susan.

PHILIP

That’s nasty! You banged two chicks in one day? I hope you washed up after the first one.

SIMON

I planned to, but there wasn’t enough time. Susan barely made it out the back entrance before Leslie walked into the room.

JUDAS

So, you basically had a threesome?

SIMON

I never thought of it that way. I guess it was a threesome. Nice!

BARTHOLOMEW

Na, that’s not a threesome. If the chicks don’t fool around with each other, it doesn’t count.

JUDAS

Yeah, that’s true. I guess Simon had an and one!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I like that; and one!

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I’ve done that a few times.

JUDAS

I think everyone has; right Phil?

The guys laugh and Philip shakes his head.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s funny because I think the chicks always smell the sex on you.

JUDAS

Yeah, they always ask, but I always blame it on sports or working out.

BARTHOLOMEW

It works like a charm!

PHILIP

Do you guys ever worry about diseases; I could never sleep with two chicks in one day. And you guys don’t even wash in between the sex.

JUDAS

Slow down Phil. I think you should work on banging one chick and then you can worry about getting an and one.

The guys laugh except for Philip.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey Simon, did Leslie notice?

SIMON

Definitely! I told her that I was working out.

JUDAS

They fall for it every time.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey Matt, why are you so quiet; did Michele ban you from talking about chicks with us?

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

I’m just listening to you guys talk about how nasty you are.

JUDAS

Yeah right! He’s thinking about all the times he smelled a little sex on his wife; he’s wondering if she had any and ones!

Simon, Bartholomew, and Judas laugh.

PHILIP

That’s not cool, man.

MATTHIAS

It’s ok, I know what I have at home.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, you have a parole officer who is probably about to call and check up on you; you’re the most whipped person I know.

MATTHIAS

Speaking of whipped, what’s going on with Mr. player over here?

He points to Judas.

JUDAS

Me? Are you crazy?

MATTHIAS

I don’t know; you tell me? I’ve been seeing some questionable comments on Facebook.

JUDAS

That? That’s nothing; I think she’s out of touch with reality.

BARTHOLOMEW

What is he talking about?

SIMON

Don’t tel me my boy is slippin’

MATTHIAS

Let me read what she wrote.

Matthias pulls out his phone and logs onto Facebook.

MATTHIAS

I quote, “I am the luckiest girl in the world.” She added five exclamations points and a smiley face. “Nothing can ruin my day; I have a good man.” And of course the smiley face. The next post reads, “Correction, I have a great man.” She added two smiley faces.

BARTHOLOMEW

This chick must be nuts if she’s talking about Judas.

JUDAS

Yeah, she’s crazy. She said I love you after a week.

BARTHOLOMEW

You have to stop lying to these chicks.

JUDAS

I didn’t even lie to this one. I started talking to her and her hot friend and somehow I woke up with her. I’m still trying to bang the friend.

PHILIP

What? How are you going to pull that off; this chick loves you.

JUDAS

Phil, you have to understand that these chicks are sluts; they are all open. All I I have to do is invite the friend over and boom; I’m in there.

BARTHOLOMEW

I say you stay far away from this one.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, I think she might start stalking you.

JUDAS

Don’t worry; in a few days, she’ll be posting about how men aren’t shit and how you don’t know who your true friends are.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

That shit is funny. It’s the same thing every time. They post about being happy and then a few weeks later, men aren’t shit.

PHILIP

It’s because you guys are treating women like they are easy to replace.

JUDAS

Phil, they are easy to replace.

SIMON

Speaking of chicks, what happened with Phil?

Bartholomew stands up and walks towards the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

I am not sticking around to hear this; I’ll see you guys later.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Damn, it was that bad?

JUDAS

This might be the worst one of all.

PHILIP

Don’t listen to their nonsense; they can’t seem to understand that I’m not a male whore.

SIMON

What? What the hell are you talking about; you don’t like chicks?

PHILIP

yeah, but I’m looking for something real; not just some skank to sleep with.

JUDAS

Let me tell the story before he continues with with the Phil-planations.

MATTHIAS

What the hell is that?

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Is that what we’re calling Phil’s bullshit excuses?

JUDAS

Yeah!

The guys all laugh except Phil.

JUDAS

He met this banging chick and fumble the rock on the goal line.

MATTHIAS

Don’t tell me it’s the chick on your Facebook page. I thought that was some porn star you were stalking.

JUDAS

She’s hot, right?

PHILIP

I didn’t fumble; we’re getting to know each other.

JUDAS

Show Simon, so he can see Phil’s work.

SIMON

I have to see this chick.

Matthias pulls up the woman’s picture and hands his phone to Simon.

SIMON

Get the fuck out of here! Are you telling me Phil fumbled the rock with this chick?

JUDAS

Yeah! She was the one who bagged him; she invited him back to her room for Pete’s sake.

SIMON

Phil, tell me he’s lying.

Phil didn’t say anything, he just shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. Simon was truly disgusted. He shook Matthias’ hand, then shook Judas’ hand; he looked at Philip and walked out of the apartment without saying a word.

MATTHIAS

Phil, what’s going on; how do you not bang that chick?

PHILIP

Because I just met her; I’m not the type to sleep with a woman I don’t know.

MATTHIAS

Damn Phil, look at this chick; I’m married and I would’ve slept with her.

JUDAS

I can’t understand it either.

MATTHIAS

Phil, you can tell us if you’re not into chicks; we won’t turn our backs on you.

JUDAS

Definitely not turning my back to a gay dude.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I’m not gay; I just have morals.

JUDAS

That’s cool; more chicks for me!

MATTHIAS

I hope you find a good girl, Phil.

JUDAS

Good luck with that; these chicks are all about getting it in.

PHILIP

I’d expect you to say something dumb like that.

JUDAS

Whatever man; let’s go get some food. Maybe you’ll meet that special lady. Matt you coming?

MATTHIAS

Na, I’m having dinner with the wife.

JUDAS

Big surprise!

The guys exit the apartment and Matthias separates from his friends.

JUDAS

So Phil, you’re not going to try and bang this chick?

PHILIP

I am trying to get to know her; she’s actually a lot of fun. Maybe if you stopped focusing on sex, you’d appreciate how wonderful getting to know a woman can be.

JUDAS

Maybe you’re right; I’ll give it a try.

PHILIP

Yeah right!

JUDAS

I’m serious. I’m going to friend some chicks on Facebook and get to know them.

PHILIP

It doesn’t work if you plan on sleeping with them.

JUDAS

No, I’m going to do it like you; I’ll pick chicks from out of state.

PHILIP

I don’t see you lasting more than a week.

JUDAS

We’ll see how it goes.

                          [It's A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 6