I Go To Hell

If you recall, I was slowly descending towards the pits of Hell.

I can see the flames, and I have no choice but to come to grips with my fate. All of a sudden, one of the scariest moments happens–the cloud I am standing on begins to evaporate; I believe that I am going to end up in a freefall towards the fiery depths, but a new flooring appears. It takes a few moments, but I finally realize–I am in a hand-basket.

Something extremely weird occurs. I was expecting to feel the heat from the fire, but the temperature fails to change. The flames surround me, but they seem to be fake. There is also a roaring thunder, louder than the one which I heard during the storm that killed me, but the sky remains clear and blue; I am exceedingly confused. I can see a large sign on the blood-stained floor which reads, “Parking reserved for Hell hand-basket! All other vehicles will be towed at owners expense.” My heart sinks when I notice several dogs, from the Resident Evil series, devouring what appears to be a human carcass. The hand-basket touches down directly on the target, and the dogs stop eating. They seem to be intrigued by my arrival and rush towards the landing area. With the ferocity of a hungry great white shark, chasing down a wounded seal, they attack. (Let me take this moment to mention tomorrow’s blog entry, ‘My Obsession With Sharks!’) Thankfully, the wood is reinforced with steel so they can’t reach me, but I remain terrified by the devilishly aggressive barking. “Where’s Michael Vick when you need him?” I wonder. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist) I recognize the loud voice which yells out, “STOP!” It is God, and for an instance, I feel safe.

Did he change his mind? Was this trip in the hand-basket a way of teaching me a lesson? I can’t wait to find out!

The dogs disappear along with the hand-basket. I am a bit apprehensive, but I know that I have to run towards the voice. At that moment, there is only one thought running through my mind; I remember ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’

[I slowly begin to walk]

Me: “The penitent man shall pass. The penitent man shall pass.”

I feel a presence following closely, which causes me to run down the narrow hallway. I avoid the chunks of human flesh and the puddles of blood, with the agility of a hungry African Cheetah chasing after a swift antelope. (How ironic…a former atheist running towards God for safety.) I sprint towards the end of the dimly-lit hallway, and I am shocked to see that God is no longer 6 cubits tall, but a less intimidating 6 feet.

Devil: “I thought you didn’t believe in religion? What’s with the penitent man talk?”

Me: “I just came from Heaven and now I’m in Hell…HELLO!” [He shakes his head] “What happened to you? How come you’re not a giant?”

Devil: “You are confused. I am not who you think I am.”

Me: “Don’t start with that ‘I am that I am’ stuff again.”

Devil: “We’ve actually never met. I am who people refer to as the Devil, but you can call me ‘Lu’.”

Me: “Lu?”

Devil: “Yeah. It’s short for Lucifer. My rap name is Lu Cipher! I spit hot fire, pun intended.”

Me: “Let me guess. You spit that real shit, and not that fake commercial bull that is out–right?”

Devil: “Here we go, my brother told me about you and your comments.”

Me: “What Brother? I know you’re not talking about God.”

Devil: “Follow me and everything will be explained.”

{A massive door opens, leading to a VIP room. Everything inside is white, the leather couches, the walls, the coffee table, the rug, etc. In the center of the space is a large fountain statue of a mermaid. I do a double take when I realize that Lu is already seated on one of the couches. I look back and notice that he is also standing by my side.}

Me: “Is this some kind of magic?”

Devil: “No, that’s my brother. You know him as God.”

[My jaw drops!]

Me: “What the Hell is going on here? Excuse the pun.”

Devil: “Grab a seat and we’ll explain everything.”

God: “How was the trip?” [Laughs]

Me: “It was ok…there was some turbulence, but overall I felt pretty comfortable. It would’ve been nice to have a seat, but I’m not complaining.” [He shakes his head, disapprovingly.] “What’s going on? I’m a little freaked out; why are you not 6 cubits tall? Why is the Devil…I mean Lu, saying that he’s your brother? Why are you in Hell? And more importantly, why is there a big water fountain statue of a mermaid in the middle of the room?”

God: “Calm down. First of all, it’s not water; It’s Johnnie Walker Blue Label.”

Devil: “Grab a cup and see for yourself.”

[I grab a glass and place it under the flowing liquid.]

Me: “Blue? Really! I’d expect, with all of your powers, you guys would be drinking some magical godly drink.”

Devil: “We do; it’s called Blue Label…You didn’t think Johnnie Walker actually created it.”

[I take a sip.]

Me: “Wow…now that’s smooth! Well done my good man. Or shall I say, my bad man!”

Devil: [Shakes head.] “Funny.”

God: “As far as the statue is concerned, we love the movie ‘Splash’.” [Shrugs] “What can I say!”

Me: “Splash? Tom Hanks, Daryl Hannah? This is too crazy!”

God: “Let me explain what’s going on. Well, I can’t explain how we came to exist; only someone who has a vast understanding of Biology would be able to comprehend. In fact, humans won’t discover the truth behind our existence until the year 2234.”

Me: “Wait, so you mean to tell me that humans will actually be able to prove that you exist?”

Devil: “Me too! But they will remain confused until 2079. That’s when the world’s brightest minds will figure out that we are twins, and not adversaries.”

Me: “Twins? That’s insane! What about all the competing for souls that was always preached on Earth, and all of the other teachings from the Bible?”

God: “All a bunch of nonsense!”

Me: “I knew it!”

God: “I have to admit, I enjoyed the conversation that we had earlier, and your ‘Virgin Birth’ post was hilarious; we still go back and read it every now and again. I spoke to my brother and we have decided that you can live in area one, with complete access to the VIP Lounge. Here, we will explain anything that you want clarified. How the Bible came to exist, can be explained during your next visit, but for now, we’ll discuss the basics.”

Me: [Filled with excitement.] “I can’t wait to hear that story.”

(***Be on the look out for ‘The Creation of The Bible.’***)

God: “You have to understand that most of what is preached on earth, is the creation of humans. We don’t bother to control what people do. It was agreed upon, a long time ago, that we would only focus on sending people to the proper afterlife location; humans have freewill.”

Devil: “What would be the point of controlling everyone? We enjoy being surprised by how each individual chooses to live his or her life.”

Me: “I’m glad you guys enjoyed the story. (How could they not!) Let me get this straight. You guys simply wait until people die, and then judge them based on their behavior?”

God: “Not exactly. We don’t really care what people do; it has no bearing on whether we send them to Heaven or Hell.”

Me: “You don’t care? That’s unexpected.”

God: “Heaven and Hell are human creations, and there is no such thing as sin. We simply have the ‘Good Place’ and ‘The Fun Place’.”

Devil: “The Good Place, which humans refer to as Heaven, is boring. The people we send there are the do-gooders. They spend their entire lives believing in my brother and they feel that they will be rewarded, so that’s what we do. I can’t stress this point enough; IT IS A BORING PLACE! All they do is sit around singing hymns and telling Bible stories. And to them it’s Heaven.”

God: “Every now and again, one of us will go up there and say some Bible quote to get them all riled up; it’s so ridiculous how simple they are.”

Me: “So, if he goes by the name Lu, what should I call you?”

God: “Alejandro!”

Me: [I Burst out laughing!] “What? You’re kidding right?”

Devil: “Alejandro? When the Hell did you come up with that?”

God: “No, I’m just kidding. I was people watching and the radio was on. That Lady Gaga song came on, and I can’t get it out of my head. I mean, great song, but I can’t walk around singing some dudes name.”

Me: “I can definitely understand that; I hate when the wrong song gets stuck in my head! [Singing] Don’t call my name, don’t call my name…Roberto.”

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro…it’s been all day; I can’t get the damn thing out of my head.”

Devil: “If you guys get that song stuck in my head, I’m going to be pissed off!”

Me: “It’s better to be pissed off, then pissed on!”

Devil: “Really? That’s so old.”

Me: “Old but good…kind of like your mother!”

Devil: “Do you know what we can do to you?”

Me: “My fault Lu. I didn’t know you were so sensitive. Should we hug it out.”

[Spreads arms out. And his hands turn into balls of fire.]

Devil: “Yeah, come over here. Give me a hug.”

Me: “Na, I’m good.”

God: “Getting back to your question, I actually love it when they call me Big Poppa!”

Me: [Laughing.] “There is no way in Hell, I’m calling you that.”

God: [Laughs] “Na, You can just call me G.”

Me: “Ok, that’s easy enough. What about the flames? Why didn’t they burn me?”

God: “They aren’t real. We just added them so the people in the Good Place will continue to believe that everyone down here is burning for eternity; They’re so gullible.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What about Hell, and all the people who did bad things while on earth?”

Devil: “I’ll take this one. The people who commit horrible atrocities, are sent to the furthest part of the Fun Place. It’s not a bad area, just far from us. They have fun just like everyone else down here, but we just don’t want to be around them; there is no desire to hang with some guy who viciously murdered seven people. We don’t believe in torturing anyone; we’d have to be a couple of psychos to do that. Do you suppose we would create humans, and then torture them because they make a few mistakes? ,

Me: “Nope. That wouldn’t make any sense.”

Devil: “Precisely! We have guardians who keep each area separated. The closer you are to the VIP Lounge, the more access you have in the Fun Place. People are free to move into a different area, but only to an area that is further away from the VIP Lounge; each area is numbered. Area one is the closest to the VIP Lounge, and the higher the number, the further away you will be. Understand?”

Me: “Yeah, it makes perfect sense, but let me make sure I got it right. If you are in area fifty-one, you can move to any area except for areas one through fifty.”

Devil: “Exactly. It’s interesting you mentioned area fifty-one. That’s where all the conspiracy theorists stay. I definitely recommend  checking it out some time; those people come up with the craziest ideas.”

Me: “Speaking of area fifty-one. Are there aliens?”

Devil: “Logically, you would think so, but the answer is no. There are no aliens.”

Me: “What about spirits?”

Devil: “Yeah, I guess. Sometimes, we get crazy people who jump out of the hand-basket. They roam around earth doing all sorts of spooky things.”

Me: “What was the point of making me think I was going to Hell?”

Devil: “This is the Fun Place. We enjoy messing with people!”

ME: “Speaking of messing with people, doesn’t it bother you that you have such a bad reputation?”

Devil: “Yeah, that bothers both of us. I’m one of the coolest people ever, and they make me out to be evil; it sucks!”

Me: “Yeah, they hate you. Lu, I can understand why you’re upset, but G? You have a great rep!”

God: “Did you read the Bible? They make me out to be some jealous narcissist with anger issues, who destroys cities and kills indiscriminately. I don’t know where they come up with that garbage.”

Me: “So you guys understand why I never believed in all that religion crap?”

God: “Of course! That’s why you’re down here. We can’t understand how anyone would ever believe those stories. I mean for god sake, no pun intended, there are two creation stories in the beginning of the Bible. Faith is the biggest crock in the history of the world. It was created by people who weren’t intelligent enough to explain how the world works. I’ll get into more details when we discuss the Bible next time.”

Me: “What are the rules down here?”

Devil: “It’s pretty simple. We already discussed moving to different areas. Everyone who is down here is immortal; there are no injuries or diseases. It’s pretty much a free-for-all. Go wherever you want, and hang with anyone you want.”

Me: “Sex is allowed?”

Devil: “Would it be the Fun Place without sex? It’s the best; no condoms, no diseases and no pregnancies.”

Me: “You mean to tell me, you guys are allowed to have sex?”

Devil: “Who can possibly stop us? If you want to take a vow of celibacy, go right ahead my friend—with all these women down here…I’ll be doing my thing!”

Me: [Laughing.] “You’ll have to excuse me; I don’t know what I was thinking. Before I forget. What happens to all those suicide bombers who believe they will be rewarded with seventy-two virgins?”

Devil: “They get the virgins, but there is no sex in the Champaign room, if you will.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What? You mean to tell me that everyone who is in the Good Place is spending an eternity without sex? What do they do?”

Devil: “Did you not hear me stress the point…IT’S BORING UP THERE!”

God: “Yeah! There’s no sex; they sing all day and go over the Bible. For fun, they watch over family members and judge the ‘bad people’ on earth. They actually cheer when I send someone to ‘Hell.’ You should have heard the loud eruption that happened when you were descending—they definitely weren’t feeling your stories.”

Devil: “You remember the thunder that you heard during the trip here? That wasn’t us—it was the thunderous applause.”

Me: “I was so confused by the thunder—the sky was perfect. Hey G, why did you kill me so dramatically?”

God: “I had to…they were watching and cheering me on! That whole turning myself into a giant thing and quoting the Bible; I have to do it for them.”

[A man walks into the room.]

God: “I would like to introduce you to our assistant and good friend, Rodrigo Borgia.”

Rodrigo: “Hello, it’s great to finally meet you. I enjoyed reading your stories.”

Me: “Pope Alexander the sixth? That’s who you guys chose to be your assistant?”

God: “Yeah, he was one of the first people on earth to understand that the Bible was a bunch of myths. We can’t blame him for using that knowledge to manipulate the people who were less intelligent than he was. In fact, I’d say over ninety percent of the Popes are down here.”

Rodrigo: “Surprised? I’m actually a great guy!

Devil: “Yeah, he’s a fun guy to hang out with. He’s got some great stories.”

Me: “What about all the tales they told about you? Aren’t you the one who…” (Look up Pope Alexander VI. He was a disturbed man to say the least.)

Rodrigo: “Hey, hey. There’s no need to bring up the past. What can I say, I wasn’t perfect!” [Laughs.] “I’m sorry to interrupt, one of you has to go up there.”

God: “Now what?”

Rodrigo: “They’re upset because there is man in America who has been claiming to be Jesus, and he has a pretty large following.”

Me: “That reminds me. What about Jesus?”

God: “We’ll discuss Jesus, when we talk about the Bible.” [I nod my head understandingly.] “You going up this time, Lu?”

Devil: “HELL NO!”

God: “Sorry guys, looks like I have to go deal with this headache.”

Devil: “Sucks to be you!”

[God gets up and leaves.]

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro!”

[We all laugh.]

Devil: “Follow Rodrigo, he’ll show you around and get you acclimated.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll be back so we can talk about the Bible.”

Devil: “Alright, we’ll see you next time.”

[I exit with Rodrigo.]

Rodrigo: “I’ll show you to your room, then we can go and meet some ladies!”

Me: “Sounds good!”

[Until Next Time!!!]

@PeteTeix617

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