***THROWBACK POST***
Unconventional Endings, from November 17th!
@PeteTeix617
Tag Archives: afterlife
The Laws
For maximum enjoyment, read these posts first: Heaven’s Angels A Lesson
I actually thought Halloween would keep Joan away, but she appeared. Not only did she show up, she dressed up in the scariest costume I have ever seen. It wasn’t the devil, some evil demon, or the exorcist; she took the form of a woman I haven’t seen in about eight months, who was about eight months pregnant. I almost fainted!
Thankfully, the new Lord has a better grasp on reality; he lived amongst the humans and understands the fact that people are incapable of making the proper decisions, all of the time. Joan revealed that the 10 Commandments are decent, but they had to be amended. God wants his laws to be realistic!
The stories will continue in the future, but for now, these are the Laws!
- You shall have no other gods before me. I am the only God. The way it was worded before makes it seem as if other gods are allowed, as long as they are secondary.
- You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. Idols are permitted. Just do your best to create an appropriate likeness. You can make any idols; this new God is not a jealous God.
- You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. Taking the Lord’s name in vain is not a sin. God understands when humans get upset they take his name in vain. Every now and then, try and remember to look up towards Heaven and say, “My bad!”
- Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it. There is no longer any Sabbath day. The old Law was ridiculous!
- Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. Listen to your parents and honor them. Unless your parents are idiots; in that case, find a set of responsible adults and listen to them!
- You shall not murder. There are no exceptions. The state is permitted by the Lord, to execute any murderers.
- You shall not commit adultery. If you have a desire to bed more than one woman, remain single! Marriage is for life! *****I am honored to announce that the Lord has decided to allow couples to divorce, but they must adhere to the rules of the divorce party! (Read previous post: My Proposal To Save Marriage)*****
- You shall not steal. The state is permitted to cut off the dominant hand of thieves. Everyone is to work hard and purchase any desired item!
- You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You may bear false witness against your neighbor. Just don’t be upset if your neighbor returns the favor!
- You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. You are free to covet everything which you desire. Just act accordingly. It would be idiotic to control a person’s mind.
Before she departed, Joan also gave me some additional laws for people to follow. According to Joan, the Lord understands that it will be most difficult for Christians to make the conversion because of the nonsense that has been ingrained in them, but if they are unable to adjust, they will land in Hell with their former “Lord and Savior.”
- Serving the Lord is a choice. Although people who do not follow the Lord are destined for Hell, do not waste your time trying to convert others. The word of the Lord will be available to all; those who choose not to follow will suffer a great penalty. This is not a religion based on hate. Treat others as you wish to be treated.
- Every human being is worthy of following the Lord. Do not discriminate against others.
- Rape is forbidden. Sex is for consenting adults. The state will be allowed to castrate all rapists. Those who commit statutory rape must pay for a life size statue to be placed in front of their residence. The statue will serve as a reminder of their sin!
- Dreams are free from sin. People who get mad at you for something that happened in a dream will go directly to Hell.
- No more frivolous lawsuits against companies. If you spill a hot cup of coffee on yourself, deal with it! Any individual, who is dumb enough to cause bodily harm to him or herself, and then attempt to bring a suit against the company, will go straight to Hell. The Lord does not favor, nor protect dumbasses!
- Prostitution is allowed. People are free to use their bodies however they see fit. The oldest profession is not a noble one, but indeed profitable.
- Pimping is a sin. The Lord permits the state to do with these offenders as they will.
- Reality means be real. Anyone who appears in a reality show, featured on MTV or VH1, will go straight to Hell.
- Do your best not to lie. Lying is not a sin, but the habit is definitely frowned upon!
- Racism is a sin. Yet, racist jokes are allowed, unless they lack humor!
- <Bonus> Think before you ink. Women, who have lower back tattoos, must give it up on the third date or they will be banished to Hell!
For now these are the laws. Do your Lord’s bid and spread the word; just don’t annoy anyone!
@PeteTeix617
Heaven’s Angels
Contrary to popular belief, I have no problem admitting when I am wrong; this is one of those instances. I enjoyed my time as an atheist, but the light of truth has been cast upon me. I made the mistake of trying to apply logic to religion because I couldn’t bring myself to be satisfied with faith. Thanks to a recent life changing experience, I am a believer once more!
In the tradition of the great prophets, I too have a message!
Saturday night, I returned home after making it through another long work-week. I was too tired to leave the house and did my best to watch television, but I fell asleep around ten. My slumber was interrupted by a weird noise; the disturbance seemed to come from the window. I looked at the clock and it was exactly midnight. I struggled out from under the warm covers and walked over to the window. Standing in my backyard was a woman in a white cloak and brown leather sandals.
What happened next changed my life forever!
[I lifted the window and spoke to the stranger.]
Me: “Who are you?”
Woman: “My name is Joan; I need to speak with you.”
Me: “About what?”
Joan: “I have some information for you. Will you invite me in?”
Me: “I don’t know; you seem crazy. Who the hell stands outside of someone’s window and throws rocks?”
Joan: “I assure you I am not an enemy; I have come to deliver an important message.”
[I thought about the situation for a second. Against my better judgment, I agreed to her request.]
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret this, but I’ll be down in a second.”
Joan: “There is no need for you to come down.”
[Joan disappeared. I was startled when I turned and saw her standing inside of my room.]
Me: “What the hell?”
Joan: “Don’t be alarmed. I am not from this world.”
Me: “This is crazy. What’s going on here? I think I have to sit down.”
[I took a seat on the couch.]
Me: “If you can teleport, why didn’t you just appear in my room in the first place?”
Joan: “We are not allowed to enter a domicile without permission; we must be invited in.”
Me: “What do you mean? Are you an alien; are you a ghost?”
Joan: “No! I am an angel.”
Me: “What? An angel? From Heaven? Why would an angel want to talk to me; I’m an atheist? Well, I was an atheist; I don’t know what I believe now. And where the heck are your wings?”
[She laughed.]
Joan: “There are no wings; that’s just a story which was created for children. God does exist, and I AM from Heaven. I came here on a mission.”
Me: “Let me guess; God is pissed with all of the things I write and he wants me to cease and desist?”
Joan: “No, that is not my mission. Although, God was pissed with your writing; you were headed down the wrong path.”
Me: “What do you mean by, ‘he was pissed’?”
Joan: “The God from the Bible doesn’t exist anymore.”
Me: “What are you talking about? I thought you said God exists?”
Joan: “I will explain everything, but first, I must do something that I never had the chance to experience while I was on earth.”
Me: “You lived on earth?”
Joan: “Yes! I lived in 15th century France, in the village of Domremy; I am the daughter of Jacques and Isabelle d’Arc. You might know me as Joan of Arc.”
Me: “What? You’re Joan of Arc?”
Joan: “Yes, I am now the messenger angel of Heaven. I have an important message for you, but first, I must complete my own mission.”
Me: “Am I supposed to help you with the mission?”
Joan: “Yes, you are necessary.”
Me: “OK! What do I have to do?”
Joan: “I died before I experienced all that this world has to offer; I want to know what it feels like to have sex.”
Me: “Oh yeah; you did die a virgin. This is weird, I don’t know if it’s right to bed an angel.”
Joan: “You are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to, but I would appreciate your cooperation.”
Me: “You know what? I’ll do it. I just have to grab a condom first.”
Joan: “There is no need; angels are immune from all diseases.”
Me: “Ok, but if I catch something, I’m going to be pissed!”
[She laughed.]
Joan: “You’re silly!”
[We shared a wonderful experience. It was by far my best effort.]
Me: “That was great!”
Joan: “I enjoyed the experience, but it wasn’t like I often hear women describe intercourse; I didn’t feel any incredible pleasurable energy serge through my entire body.”
Me: “Ah, sorry about that. Give me some time and I will be able to do better.”
Joan: “There is no need. I am pleased to finally have the experience.”
Me: “Ok; are you going to tell me the secret, now?”
Joan: “Yes; it is time.”
[Joan put on her cloak and stood in the center of the room.]
Joan: “Everything which exists was created by God. The stories from the Old Testament are somewhat correct. The most important individual was Moses. He was the prophet who revealed God’s laws to the people.”
Me: “So there was a Moses and the Ten Commandments are real?”
Joan: “Yes! God was not pleased with the fact that his followers created a text which misinterpreted his message. In order to correct the inaccuracies, the Lord sent another prophet, Jesus.”
Me: “What do you mean prophet; I though Jesus was the son of God?”
Joan: “No! Jesus was just a prophet; his mission was to teach the people. He was supposed to deliver a true Testament.”
Me: “Why does everyone think that Jesus is God’s son?”
Joan: “When Jesus arrived on earth, he decided to disobey the Lord. He created his own tales and made himself the son of God.”
Me: “Are you serious?”
Joan: “Yes! He tried to make himself into a hero so people would follow him. Jesus was under the impression that God’s power came from all of the believers; he thought he could gain more followers and take control of Heaven.”
Me: “So what happened to him?”
Joan: “God was pissed, which is why he allowed the Romans to crucify Jesus.”
Me: “Do you mean to tell me that Jesus never died on the cross for our sins?”
Joan: “No! He made up that entire story and when he dies, God sent him to Hell.”
Me: “That’s crazy!”
Joan: “Yeah, but he did get a lot of people to follow him. God thought Judaism would overtake Christianity, but it didn’t happen so he sent another prophet, Mohammad.”
Me: “What; the Muslims were right?”
Joan: “Yes, Mohammad revealed the true words of the Lord to his people. Unfortunately, when he died, the message was lost. The religion was spilt between Shi’a and Sunni. After three failed attempt to send prophets, I think God made the decision to allow people to follow any of the three faiths. As long as a person remained true to the religious teachings, they were allowed entrance into the Lord’s Kingdom.”
Me: “What about the other religions of the world?”
Joan: “Those people go to Hell.”
Me: “What? That doesn’t seem fair; some of the indigenous people have never even seen the Bible.”
Joan: “I don’t make up the rules; I just follow the orders!”
ME: “What was all that talk about God was pissed with my writing? Why is he no longer upset with me?”
Joan: “The God who represents Judaism, Christianity, and Islam no longer exists.”
Me: “You’re not making any sense; you said God exists.”
Joan: “In the beginning, before the creation of man, God had angels. His favorite and most trusted angel was Lucifer. God decided he wanted to create humans and he told Lucifer about his future plans. God wanted to pass on his power to Lucifer. He planned on retiring, but he also wanted to divide the power between several angels, in order to avoid creating his equal.”
Me: “So God is retired?”
Joan: “No; things did not go according to plan. Lucifer attempted to take all of the power to himself, but he was no match for God. As punishment for his disloyalty, God banished Lucifer to Hell, where he could finally rule over his own dominion. The angels who joined forces with Lucifer were also banished. Two of God’s most loyal and strongest servants were Michael and Gabriel. Gabriel served as the Lord’s new second in command and Michael was tasked with battling Lucifer.”
Me: “What do you mean by battling?”
Joan: “Lucifer does his best to manipulate humans in an attempt to turn their hearts black. It is Michael who is responsible for preventing the Lucifer’s success.”
Me: “So they battle for everyone’s souls?”
Joan: “Yes, the people who choose the Lord will spend an eternity in Heaven and those who fail to follow his laws are sent to Hell.”
Me: “So I was headed to Hell?”
Joan: “Yes! You most certainly were.”
Me: “That would have been ok; the Devil must have enjoyed some of my writing, even though I didn’t believe in him, either.”
Joan: “You don’t understand; it’s about the heart of an individual. Your heart is not black; Lucifer only saves the people with black hearts. The people with good hearts, who end up in Hell, are punished. Their suffering is unimaginable and for eternity.”
Me: “So, why am I no longer on the path to Hell?”
Joan: “I never said you weren’t; you can save your soul, but you must carry out the Lord’s work!”
Me: “No problem; now that I know there is a God, I am on board with his cause. Just tell me what I have to do and it’s a done deal!”
Joan: “First, allow me to finish the back story. Michael always felt some resentment towards Gabriel. He believed that he should have been the second in command since he was more powerful. After all, it was Michael who did all of the dirty work.”
Me: “I can understand that.”
Joan: “Michael loved God, but he always felt shunned. Everything changed when the first Apostle arrived in Heaven.”
Me: “Judas?”
Joan: “NO! He ended up in Hell. Although God was unhappy with Jesus, he didn’t like that fact that Judas was not loyal. I am talking about Peter. When he arrived in Heaven, he developed a great friendship with Michael. Peter learned a great deal about being an angel and he learned how to increase his strength.”
Me: “So everyone who makes it to Heaven becomes an angel?”
Joan: “No! Most of the people are just spirits. The angels are the ones who carried out the Lord’s work while on earth.”
Me: “I guess that makes sense.”
Joan: “With Michael’s help, Peter became Heaven’s official doorman. God decides whether or not someone must spend time in Purgatory and Peter is the person who determines the length of time. Once Michael told Peter about God’s plan to retire, the Apostle decided to create a plan of his own. Peter enjoyed having the power of running purgatory and he wanted control of Heaven. Michael, on the other hand, never really cared about being number one; he just wanted to feel appreciated.”
Me: “So what happened?”
Joan: “God no longer wanted to control Heaven so he spread his power throughout his many trusted angels. Michael’s power grew almost to the point of being an equal to the Lord. Even though God was no longer at full strength, he was still too powerful for Peter and Michael. They decided to risk everything and join forces with Lucifer.”
Me: “Are you serious? I thought God was all knowing?”
Joan: “Yes; I’m telling you the truth. God was powerful and he knew everything that occurred in the past, but he never had the ability to see into the future. God needs his angels to watch over the people on earth.”
Me: “Wow. I was always taught that God knows all!”
Joan: “Humans don’t know much about anything!”
Me: “You’re definitely right about that.”
Joan: “Peter and Michael knew that Lucifer was the only one who could help them defeat the Lord. One day, Michael called God for assistance; he said that he was in a losing battle against Lucifer. When God arrived, he found Michael and Lucifer arm-locked in a struggle. When the Lord attempted to separate the two, Peter jumped out and the three angels attacked. Outnumbered, God didn’t have the strength to survive. In the end, it was his faith in the angels, which caused his demise.”
Me: “They killed God?”
Joan: “Yes! God was all powerful, but once he began to spread his power throughout the angels, he lost the ability to defend himself; at full strength, the Lord would have defeated an army of angels. ”
Me: “So what happened next? Did Peter and Michael join forces with the Devil?”
Joan: “No! The two angels turned on Lucifer and killed him, as well. Michael and Peter became the two strongest angels once they shared the reaming power from God along with Lucifer’s strength.”
Me: “Are they co-Gods?”
Joan: “No. Michael is the stronger of the two, but he doesn’t want to replace God; Peter is the new Lord and Michael is his second in command.”
Me: “So now that the Devil is dead, who runs Hell?”
Joan: “Jesus!”
Me: “What? Jesus? I thought the devil would have made him suffer?”
Joan: “No. Jesus was originally an angel and he was powerful. Lucifer loved the fact that he disobeyed the Lord and offered him a position in the Army of Satan.”
Me: “I thought the Devil only liked people with dark hearts?”
Joan: “Jesus’ heart is dark!”
Me: “This is crazy! You mean to tell me that Jesus, the son of God, is the ruler of Hell?”
Joan: “He was never the son of God!”
Me: “What ended up happening to Gabriel?”
Joan: “Michael escorted him to Hell and instructed Jesus to torture Gabriel for the rest of eternity!”
Me: “I guess Michael is not the forgiving type!”
Joan: “Let’s just say, being his enemy is not advisable!”
Me: “So why did you come here to tell me all of this?”
Joan: “Although God never had a sense of humor, Peter enjoyed some of your work and he wants you to help spread his message.”
Me: “What?”
Joan: “You are the chosen one; the next prophet in the line.”
Me: “How am I supposed to convince people to follow the new Lord? Before tonight, I was an atheist!”
Joan: “Use your blog.”
Me: “My blog is relatively small; it’s not like I have millions of followers!”
Joan: “If you write it, they will come!”
[I laughed.]
Joan: “What’s so funny?”
Me: “Nothing; I was just thinking about a movie. What am I supposed to write?”
Joan: “Tell the world that you have received orders from an angel of the Lord Peter.”
Me: “Don’t you think that people might be a little suspicious if I tell them about a new Lord, who just so happens to be named after me?”
Joan: “The Lord is not named after you; you are named after the Lord!”
Me: “That’s true, but what are the laws?”
Joan: “The laws will be revealed to you in story form, every Monday night; from now on, Tuesday’s posts will teach the people how to live according to their new God.”
Me: “Can I at least have some basics?”
Joan: “The Ten Commandments are to be followed. Do not use hard drugs, and use common sense. For those who are incapable, ask someone with common sense for advice!”
Me: “When you say hard drugs, does that include alcohol and marijuana?”
Joan: “The Lord would prefer his followers to stay away from alcohol and marijuana, but they are not sins.”
Me: “So basically, you’re saying that Peter was an alcoholic pothead.”
Joan: “I believe the Lord may have experimented once or twice.”
Me: “I was joking about the pothead thing; that’s crazy!”
Joan: “You should also advise the followers that angels will be proactive from now on; we will take on human forms and interact with the people. Those who fail to behave properly will be sent to Hell. The people may also pray directly to specific angels.”
Me: “How will we be able to determine if someone is an actual angel or just a crazy person? And how will we know the names of each angel?”
Joan: “Treat everyone as if he or she is an angel. Anyone who impersonates an angel will suffer an unimaginable punishment! As far as the names, they will be revealed in the stories.”
Me: “Since I’m the prophet, do I get to have a bunch of wives, or is that against the religion?”
Joan: “I’m not sure; I’ll get back to you on that.”
Me: “What about gays, and the others who are hated by the church?”
Joan: “The Lord does not discriminate; everyone who follows his laws will enter Heaven.”
Me: “What do I call this religion; Peterism?”
Joan: “The followers can name the religion whatever they please; the Lord’s only concern is for people to follow his laws. There will be only one true religion; anyone who fails to recognize the Lord will be sent to Hell.”
Me: “What about those who question my truthfulness?”
Joan: “The Lord understands that it is human nature to question faith; he will work through you and show his greatness. Once the people realize the truth, the word of the Lord will spread throughout the world.”
Me: “This isn’t going to be easy; it might take decades for me to spread the word.”
Joan: “That is not a problem; we have an eternity!”
Me: “What about the end of the world on December 21, 2012?”
Joan: “There is no end, and there will be no Rapture; the Lord will wait patiently until his religion is the one and only faith!”
Me: “I tell the Lord that it is my pleasure to serve him and I look forward to spreading his message!”
Joan: “I will deliver your message, but you can talk to him directly. All you have to do is pray!”
Me: “What about priests?”
Joan: “There is no need for priests; the people can read the lord’s words for themselves and they can talk to God himself, or his angels.”
Me: “I will deliver the message.”
Joan: “I will return tomorrow with the first story!”
[She disappeared.]
Sunday October 23, 2011 marks the day of my first encounter with Joan of Arc!
Please help me spread the new gospel. For those of you who are skeptical, I understand. It will take time for me to convince people that I speak the truth. For now, this will be my personal burden, but in the future, I may require some donations in order to dedicate my life to my mission! After all this is a Prophet Organization!
Thank You Lord, for allowing me to serve you!
@PeteTeix617
A Conversation With Kevin
*This is an actual account of events that happened last night. This post was written and saved into my drafts. I experienced every detail during a blackout episode. (No, I wasn’t drinking, ASSHOLE!) When I came to, the post was finished but for some reason, I can add to the piece only; I can’t make any editorial changes. (I definitely wanted to make some edits!) CRAZIEST EXPERIENCE EVER!!!
[I am in my room, I’m not alone.]
Female Companion: “It’s ok…that happens to most guys!”
Me: “I swear this never happens!”
Female Companion: “Ok, I guess I’m going to takeoff now. Are you about to go to sleep?”
Me: “No! I’ll probably watch the Gators game.”
Female Companion: “I didn’t know they played this late.”
Me: “They don’t, I have the game recorded on my DVR.”
Female Companion: “Damn, I guess you really are a fan.”
Me: “Yeah, text me when you get home.”
Female Companion: “OK, I will.”
[I get dressed, walk her out, then return to my room and sit on the couch. She goes off to some other guy’s house!]
I turn on the television and watch the Gators dominate! (I honestly record most of the Gators’ games on my DVR and watch them whenever I am bored! GO GATORS!) The Gators are leading by a score of 28-0. Starting quarterback John Brantley is marching the offense towards another touchdown when, suddenly, the DirecTV box shuts-off and I am left to watch a blank screen.
Me: “No fucking way! It’s not even raining. If this box starts malfunctioning like the Comcast box, I’m going to…”
[The light begins to turn on and off. It’s as if someone is deliberately playing with the switch, but I am alone.]
Me: “What the hell is going on?”
[I hear a familiar laughter from my past.]
Me: [Scared out of my mind.] “Is that really you?”
Voice: “Yes, it’s me, Fanta.”
Me: “Is this real…what the heck are YOU doing here?”
Voice: “I’m just playing, it’s me!” [Kevin appears. He is laughing hysterically! For some reason, even though he is a ghost, I don’t feel any sense of fear!]
Me: [Laughing] “Dude, you’re an idiot!” [I fold my arms and stare him in the eyes.] “Really? This is how you’re going to show up?”
Kevin: [Standing before me in a speedo.] “What? I’ve been working out.”
Me: “C’mon man, get the fuck out of here with that shit!”
Kevin: [Laughs and switches to more presentable clothing.] “Damn, still in love! You have to let her go man!” [Laughs]
Me: “Yo, you’re dead! When are you going to let that Fanta story go?”
Kevin: “Never!”
Me: [Shaking my head.] “Some people never grow up! This is weird. Were you here the whole night? Were you spying on me while I was smashing? That’s creepy! ”
Kevin: “NO! I just got here. You didn’t think I was going to let that Gators’ game play? Florida’s wack.”
Me: “Notre Dame FUCKING SUCKS! You sure you aren’t a dead peeping Tom? I can swear I heard some creep whisper, ‘give her a stroke for me.’”
Kevin: “Your dumb. Who was that…your girl?”
Me: “Na man.”
Kevin: “It’s cool, you can claim her. Who lives here now?”
Me: “Me, Dough, and G. D-I-X is done. This is where the magic happens!”
Kevin: “Yeah right. What’s good with you and your wifey who just left?”
Me: “No wifey. I’m just chilling right now. No time for a girl—I’m on my paper chase. Plus, we’re off to LA in January.”
Kevin: “Who?”
Me: “I’m going with E and cousin C.”
Kevin: [Laughs…he can barely control himself.] “Cousin C! What’s good with him?”
Me: “He’s chillin’. Just working and getting ready to make this move.”
Kevin: “The three of you guys? Talk about no buns!”
Me: “Yeah aight!”
Kevin: “That’s good J’s around. LA huh? That’s ill. Hold on a second.” [He looks around the bedroom.] “Where is the condom wrapper?”
Me: “Yeah, where did that thing go?”
Kevin: “Raw-dawg! You’re trying to have a baby?”
Me: “Hell NO! And I’m definitely not taking any shit from the raw-dawg king.”
Kevin: “That’s an allegation…I always strapped up.”
Me: “Yeah, me too! But for real, I try not to use condoms for two reasons. One, the Pope is against the use of condoms and, two, I love the environment and I know how much damage can be caused by latex!”
Kevin: “You’re dumb. Anyone slip up and have kids?”
Me: “Slip up? You’re an asshole. Children are wonderful and the parents should feel lucky to bring them into this world.”
Kevin: “My fault.” [We laugh.]
Me: Yeah, there are a bunch of kids out here. Go haunt someone else and find out. From the male cousins it’s only Zep, Dough, and D; D is the only one with a boy!”
Kevin: “Yeah? Dudes don’t wanna strap up. Huh? Zep and Dough have girls…I hope they got the shotgun ready?”
Me: “I hope so. You know we don’t take care of your kids, right?”
Kevin: [Laughs] “Allegations, allegations!”
Me: “What’s good with death? Do you get to mash out a bunch of smuts?”
Kevin: “Nah, this body isn’t real. When we come back to earth we can appear as our old selves, but we don’t exist in the physical form.”
Me: “So you’re just a mind floating around?”
Kevin: “Yeah, basically.”
Me: “Is there a heaven and hell with god and the devil?”
Kevin: “Yeah. God was going to send me to hell, but I convinced him to let me go to heaven. He said I need someone to vouch for me so, for now, I have to stay in purgatory. Then when Nel dies, I can get him to hook me up!”
Me: [Laugh] “Are you fucking with me?”
Kevin: “For real. We sat there and reviewed my life. I had to explain everything.”
Me: “So how did you come here, if you’re waiting for Nel?”
Kevin: “Na, I’m just joking. There is no heaven of hell—no god or devil.”
Me: [Laugh] “Damn, I was about to go tell Nel to hurry up cause you’re waiting on him. So what happens when you die? I know you can’t help out ND, cause they suck ass!”
Kevin: “Yeah, I thought god would help ND win. If I knew there was no god, I would’ve picked a different team!”
Me: [Banging my index finger against my palm.] “You see this…see the stars? 25 all-Americans!” [He Laughs] “What really happens?”
Kevin: “Once you die, your spirit leaves your body, but no one runs the afterlife. Everyone is free, but we have no bodies. The people who have been around the longest are always around to help out with info, but no one knows everything. There are almost an infinite number of planets and we can go to any just by thinking about it. Since we are just minds, the travel is basically instant. It’s hard to enter a planet that has aliens because you can only enter with someone who is from the planet.”
Me: “So there are aliens?”
Kevin: “Yeah. I don’t come to earth cause it’s not easy. I have to be invited by a psychic or I can come with someone else who is invited. That’s how I came; one of my boys was called by his sister.”
Me: “What about all the people we know that died?”
Kevin: “They’re straight. No suffering after death. We all have a connection because we knew each other, so we can always meet up.”
Me: “So you can communicate with them whenever you want?”
Kevin: “Yeah, it’s easy. Usually I just travel from planet to planet and try and meet someone who can let me in so I can see how aliens live. We can enter any planet without life, so whenever I feel like remembering the past, I’ll go to one and see the memories.”
Me: “Can you actually see what happened?”
Kevin: “Yeah. You can relive the whole experience; it’s crazy. I can watch everything I did during my life, and if I meet up with someone I know, we can connect minds and I can share their memories. It’s almost like letting someone borrow a dvd.”
Me: “Let’s get back to the smashing. You’re telling me there is no sex in the champagne room?”
Kevin: [Laughs] “No, we can’t have sex, but you can connect with a chick and see her past; it’s better than you think!”
Me: “So let me get this straight. You died in 2006, right?”
Kevin: “Yeah.”
Me: “It’s 2011. So what you’re telling me is, you didn’t get any ass for the past five years!”
Kevin: [Laughs] “C’mon man, no one can smash.”
Me: [I laugh so much, I literally roll on the ground.] “YOU GET NO ASS!!!”
Kevin: [Laughs] “Na, I meet chicks. I’ve seen some crazy stuff.”
Me: “Damn. I can’t believe you died and went to the Friend Zone. You’re actually trying to tell me that you meet chicks and watch some other dude bang them out? Sounds like fun.”
Kevin: [laughs] “You get no ass!”
Me: “I smell like pussy right now. My fault, you forgot what it smells like.”
Kevin: “Chill, Chill.”
Me: “Damn, that’s crazy though. What happens to the people who never had sex?”
Kevin: “They’ll never be able to experience it.”
Me: “It must suck to follow the laws of a god that doesn’t exist, and then find out that you did it all for nothing. I guess you were right…People need to live it up, because our memories will stay with us for eternity.”
Kevin: “Yeah, it’s crazy. Some people have boring lives and they just hang around earth, too scared to leave and explore. They are the ones who do all the haunting. It usually takes a psychic to get them to leave earth.”
Me: “You know what I always wonder about? You can see earth from space right?”
Kevin: “Yeah.”
Me: “Does my dick block the view?”
Kevin: [Laughs] “Yeah right.”
Me: “You can keep it real with me!” [We laugh.] “This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m talking to you.”
Kevin: “What you missed me?”
Me: “Na man, I’m like David Ortiz with a hanging curve ball…I don’t miss.”
Kevin: “What’s good with my little sis?”
Me: “Aw man, she’s fucking up!”
Kevin: “For real?”
Me: “Na, I’m fucking with you. She’s good. In fact, she replaced you…we don’t need you anymore. You know what? I don’t know why I never thought of this before—From now on, I’ll take out my anti Notre Dame comments on her!”
Kevin: “That’s good; I have to go check on everyone else.”
Me: “How long can you stay?”
Kevin: “It’s up to me but, honestly, I just wanted to check in real quick. I can catch up with everyone in the future; there’s a whole new world.”
Me: “That’s great Aladdin! I guess that makes sense.”
Kevin: “What’s good with a cruise, did you hit one up yet?”
Me: “Not yet, but I’ll go soon.”
Kevin: “You’re slacking. Did you ever end up going on a better trip than the Jamaica one?”
Me: “Hell no! That was classic. Remember the chick from Worcester?”
Kevin: “Of course. She was a Kel seven! What’s good with the Peter Parkas?”
Me: [Laugh] “There are no parkas! You know I’m going to write about this convo, so we shouldn’t keep talking about Jamaica.”
Kevin: “Damn, I hate talking to people who are on lock!”
Me: “Definitely not on lock…just trying to be respectful.”
Kevin: “”What’s good with Latin…still spanking English?”
Me: “Yeah, we killed them this year. 54-12. Coach Mac had the team kneeling with almost seven minutes to go! Yo, you missed out, your boy Shaq was with the Celtics last year.”
Kevin: “Damn, yo yo yo, shaq is big!” [We laugh.]
Me: “Yo, we still have to discuss Tebow, the two national championships, and ND’s championship drought.”
Kevin: “Yo, I’m out. Bag Up!”
[He disappears.]
Me: “This fucking guy!” [Shaking my head.]
[The End]
*Ok, so I fibbed. This is not an actual account. This is one of the many possible scenarios for the afterlife. No one can know exactly what happens!
For those who don’t know, Fanta is the name of a girl who attended elementary school with me. One day, we were in the kitchen drinking a bottle of Fanta soda and I mentioned this fact. Since then, there has been an inside joke that I was in love with her!
Kevin was the best of us! Instead of wasting time missing him, I like to think about past events and how much fun we had together. Old habits are hard to break; in the past, every time something negative happened to Notre Dame, I would call him and we’d have a brief conversation! I still reach for the phone whenever something negative happens to Notre Dame. Some people have the ability to affect your life more than you can imagine! We strive everyday to live up to the standard that he set. Each day, I can hear his voice challenging me to do something amazing. I’m Trying!
If there is a future meeting with Kevin, I look forward to continuing the conversation. We really need to talk about Tebow!
Notre Dame SUCKS! GO GATORS!!!
@PeteTeix617
Where Are All The Dead People
“Well, although I do not suppose that either of us knows anything really beautiful and good, I am better off than he is—for he knows nothing, and thinks that he knows. I neither know nor think that I know.” – Socrates, from Plato’s ‘Apology.’
[No, the quote cannot be applied to the belief in “god.” I know he doesn’t exist!]
Death is a taboo and frightening topic. In the past, I was terrified of dying but once I came to grips with the fact that death is out of my control, it became easy to deal with my own inevitable expiration. No one truly knows whether, or not, there is life after death; we are free to believe as we please. One of the most interesting classes I have ever taken was ‘The Anthropology of Death’ with UMass Boston Professor Alan Waters. Studying the different ways cultures handle death, gave me a new perspective on the subject; I no longer fear death. (I’m actually looking forward to discovering what happens. *No, I’m not suicidal!*)
To me, the funeral practices of Christians borders on the ridiculous. (Yeah, I said it.) I don’t understand how people can spend their entire lives believing in “god” and heaven, but as soon as someone dies, it’s the worst thing that ever happened. Reason would dictate that death should be celebrated; the family member is in a better place, RIGHT? They definitely got it right in New Orleans. *I recommend that you, yes you, look up the different ways death is handled throughout the world…AMAZING!*
I don’t want to seem insensitive, but I can only voice my true opinions. (Anyone who knows me understands that I will give my honest opinion, regardless of feelings. I know there are those who think I am a jerk, but I’d rather be an asshole then fake, any day of the week. **I never care about hiding my opinions, which will be evident during next week’s ultra-controversial post.**) I tend to leave emotion out of most circumstances, it serves no purpose other than to cloud judgment. (Unless I’m drunk, but that’s a different story.) I can understand how losing a close relative can be devastating, and life changing, but it is a natural part of life. Obviously, the emotion of the actual funeral is too strong to be denied, and I have even broken down in the past, but I can’t see myself crying on any other day. Spending days, months, or even years, weeping over someone seems nonsensical. If you honestly think about it, people are either, in a better place, or they no longer exist. Wakes should be parties in which family and friends get together and celebrate the memory of the deceased persons’ life. When I die, I want family and friends to throw a party and play nothing but Cash Money Records. If there is no life after death, I won’t be able to witness the bereavement process, and if there is, I will haunt anyone who doesn’t at least listen to one CMR track. Oh yeah…No Mass please; that would just be offensive!!!
I admit that my way of thinking may be the result of me being heartless but I might just be right, and maybe those who oppose my views, do so because they lack reason…you never know! I just can’t see the point of missing someone, dead or alive; people need to learn how to just move on. With my late cousin Kevin, there are times when I am watching Sports Center and I’ll reach for the phone after seeing that Notre Dame suffered a loss in football. That’s not missing someone, it’s simply something that is routine. Like most beliefs, people refuse to change because that’s what they’ve always done. (I understand that some people who have lost loved ones may have a problem with my way of thinking, but I will not change my beliefs to avoid being offensive. In fact, I am offended that people allow emotion to block their ability to use reason. I guess the fact that I am an atheist and my background in History causes me to see the world from a unique perspective. ***Again, this will be evident during next week’s controversial post!***)
Losing a loved one can be a difficult situation to deal with, but everyone has to go through it at some point in their lives. The afterlife differs by culture but, for the most part, people agree that there is some form of an existence after death. I guess these beliefs continue because no one wants to think that they will cease to exist. It is comforting to think that our ancestors are watching over us from some unknown realm, but the more I think about it, the less I am inclined to believe in an afterlife. (Plus, isn’t the thought of ancestors watching over you all the time a little weird. If you say “No,” think about your dead loved ones watching over you the next time you are having sex…that’s creepy. Same thing goes for “god.” He is supposed to be omnipresent, right? To me, that’s perverted; “god” is nothing more than history’s biggest peeping-Tom!)
I previously wrote about my belief in spirits, but I can now understand that the mind is capable of altering our perception of reality; we see and hear exactly what we want to witness. This is not a topic that I am completely certain of because, although I understand that logically there can be no afterlife, part of me still wants to believe that one exists. (I can just picture meeting up with Kevin and boasting about the many accomplishments of former Gator’s quarterback Tim Tebow.)
The more I understand that my previous belief in the afterlife was based on the fear instilled in me by the teachings of the Catholic Church, the more I recognize my beliefs were false and founded on the weakest foundation. The concept of an afterlife is ingrained in people through religious, and cultural beliefs. The fear of death, causes one to believe in an alternative in which he or she is able to continue living. Mortality is real, and immortality cannot exist; it is unnatural. Generally, most people who believe in life after death do not believe that insects, or plants, share the same fate as humans. I’ve never heard anyone say, after stepping on a spider, “May your spirit be rejoined with your ancestors.” ***That would be ridiculous, right?*** I find it amazing how culture can turn the absurd into fact. Can you just imagine a world without religion? We would all be forced to question conventional thought, instead of simply believing what is told. [I apologize in advance for this tangent, but I’ve always wondered about something. Religious belief usually is passed down from parents. Does anyone ever imagine how their lives would be different if the people who conquered the land which you originate from, belonged to a faith other than yours? I am Cape Verdean, which means that my family is Catholic because the Portuguese colonized the Islands. What would life be like if the Muslim armies were able to conquer CV. Isn’t it amazing that people believe so strongly in a faith that they didn’t even choose? I would be more inclined to respect the faith of someone who studied different religions, before "believing." There is another question which has always fascinated me. How does a woman, strong and independent, agree to believe in a faith which views her as a second class citizen? Funny, the things people learn once they begin to ask questions! Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I will borrow from him and say, the unexamined faith, is not worth believing!]
The brain is a powerful organ which has yet to be fully understood. If our belief in something is strong enough, we can convince ourselves that it is true. The mind will actually create “hallucinations” to validate our desires. People see ghosts and experience unexplainable occurrences, but I believe they are just a figment of the imagination. People will pray for some result, and when the prayer is answered their belief in “god” is strengthened. As far as prayer is concerned, I think there are many instances in which people pray and get zero results; they seem to forget those prayers, or they explain them away with ridiculous claims such as, “it’s not ‘god’s’ will.” I think that anyone who believes in "god" will actually be affected by that belief; it has the ability to change their lives, but that doesn't mean he actually exists. The mind is great!
When I studied Haitian Vodun (voodoo), I learned that the people of the culture are truly affected by the practice. It works because Haitians believe in Vodun, and scientists cannot explain the phenomena. Victims will go into trances and can be controlled by others; it's basically a form of hypnosis. All of these unexplainable cases have to do with the mind not "god." When humans reach a point that we have a better understanding of how the mind works, "god" will no longer exist; there will be no fear of the unknown.
I have had many occasions in which I blackout after drinking too much. People tell me all of the things that I did, and at the time they were under the impression that I was coherent, but I clearly wasn't. I think there has to be some correlation between belief and mind stimulation; people can trigger the part of the brain that alters perception. This is evident in the cases of stigmata, which happens to people who are ultra religious. They believe in Jesus with so much conviction that they experience what they want. The brain's power over the body is far greater than we can comprehend. A hundred years from now, humans will have a better understanding of how the brain works.
Sometimes people can hear and see things that are not there. I know that those of us who come to rely on our cell phones, tend to hear the phone ringing whenever we leave the room. Or we hear the ringer, even with the phone at our side; it has to do the fact that people judge their level of importance, by the number of calls they receive. I can remember being a child and often hearing my mother yelling my name, when I knew she was at work. There are also the occasions in which I think I see something but, when I look again, it disappears. It is easy to misconstrue these instances as proof of a spiritual existence, but the fact remains that they are simply the result of the mind creating exactly what an individual wants to experience.
I hope dead people continue living in another capacity, but I honestly doubt it!
@PeteTeix617
