Category Archives: silly

A Look Inside

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

This post is a look inside the inner workings of my mind. There is an ongoing battle between me and my mind, each night. I attempt to go to sleep and my mind wanders into the land of random thoughts. Unless I’m extremely exhausted, at least an hour goes by before I fall asleep. Thankfully, I keep my phone within arm’s reach in case I need to write down an idea or two. (This post originated during one of my nightly battles!)

My mind is like the IBM ThinkPad that I bought in 1998; it will shut down eventually, but there will be a long wait. Last night, I mistakenly thought I was going to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but this is the journey that my mind decided it wanted to share with me.

I can’t remember what I was thinking about but eventually I ended up thinking about pizza. Immediately, I recalled the old Tombstone Pizza ads on television in which people are asked, “what do you want on your tombstone.” The question got me thinking about my tombstone and I actually arrived at a great epitaph. (I’m not sure if this quote is what I actually want on my tombstone, but it’s what I came up with!)

***Here lies Peter. Don’t believe him!***

This is what I really want on my tombstone, as of today.

I have no idea where the quote came from, but I decided that my tombstone would read, “NEVER HAD TO PAY FOR AN ABORTION!” (No offense to anyone who had to pay for an abortion; I’m just stating a fact!)

Most people may be repulsed by such a quote, but I feel it is perfect for several reasons. After the initial reaction wears off, all types of questions will enter one’s mind. This is why I love this quote; it confuses people. (In the future, anyone who reads my tombstone will be filled with bewilderment!)

“What the hell does that mean?”

Assumption 1: I think when this guy was alive abortions were commonplace and he wants people to know that he never had to pay for one? He must have been some kind of hero!

Assumption 2: This guy probably got a lot of women pregnant, but he always managed to avoid paying for the abortion. He’s either a smooth talker, or a fugitive from the law.

Assumption 3: Maybe this guy is just letting everyone know that he never had to secretly pay for an abortion.

Assumption 4: I think this guy was accused of paying for several abortions and he doesn’t want anyone to believe the rumors.

Assumption 5: This guy probably got a bunch of women pregnant, but he never paid for the abortions because he had some kind of hookup!

Bonus Assumption: This guy is some idiot whose last request was to have a controversial and shocking epitaph on his tombstone. What a jackass!

I’m sure there are plenty of other assumptions, but I think these get the point across, like a trapeze artist without falling! (Feel free to share any assumptions that may have popped in your head!)

I didn’t think of any other assumptions because my mind shifted a little. Out of nowhere, I began to wonder if this quote would serve better as a tattoo. At first, I thought it was a great idea for a tattoo, but it is a horrible one. The reason the quote works better as an epitaph is the fact that I will be dead. If I get a tattoo that reads, “never had to pay for an abortion,” it may turn out to be a lie.

What if something happens and I slip one past the goalie causing me to have to pay for an abortion. (When it comes to abortions, I’m all for them; especially mandatory government forced abortions! I just think there should be a list of criteria which has to be met before allowing any idiot to bring a child into this world! No offense to any horrible parent!)

There is also a chance that I may have to pay for an abortion that I had nothing to do with. What if a friend or family member got some random one night stand pregnant, but he didn’t have the money to pay for an abortion. I may have to step up and contribute.

I’d rather not have children, but what if my teenage daughter disobeyed me and ended up getting pregnant by a boy who goes to church every Sunday? In that situation, I would have to pay for an abortion.

I’d rather not have a tattoo that is an outright lie, so I’ll stick with the tombstone idea!

I know what people are thinking; “you can get a tattoo removed or covered!” True! Tattoos can be altered, but I don’t believe in removing tattoos; they are meant to be for life. Altering the tattoo is not a horrible idea. I actually already have a basic idea of how I would do it. The “N” will have to be altered; possibly turned into an asterisk, and the exclamation point turned into a question mark. The tattoo will them read, “*EVER HAD TO PAY FOR AN ABORTION?”

That would be an awesome tattoo! Except for the fact that my new nickname would be Inappropriate Question Tattoo Guy or IQTG for short!

[The sequence ended once I gave myself the new nickname.]

That’s what I deal with on a nightly basis. Actually, this is how my mind works throughout the day as well!

***I don’t think I’m crazy!***

@PeteTeix617

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The Dumbest Question Ever

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

For almost three centuries, students have been baffled by the dumbest question known to man. Philosophy professors waste valuable instructional time attempting to stump wannabe-Aristotles by asking the “unsolvable” question.

“Which question are you referring to?” I’ll tell you!

Obviously, I’m talking about, “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it; does it make a sound?” I can’t believe entire periods, in some cases a week’s worth of class time, is wasted on such nonsense. (Seriously, college courses are freaking expensive!)

People over-think this question as if it is actually challenging. Some have gone as far as to question whether or not something can be considered a sound if no one hears it. Some have questioned whether sound exists, or if it is something that the mind creates after viewing an event. (The bullshit gets pretty deep; watch your step!)

The greatest philosophical minds seem to all arrive at the same conclusion; we may never know the answer to this great query. I completely disagree. These philosophers need to get their heads out of their asses. If you really want to know the answer to this thought-provoking question, ask anyone who has lived on this planet or longer than three years and the riddle will be solved. (It’s really that simple!)

I’m here to end the consternation. The answer is YES, the tree will make a fucking sound. Not only will the tree make a sound, it will be a loud and recognizable sound. There is a distinct noise that accompanies any tree-falling incident. You can actually throw a rock into a crowd and hit any random person, above the age of three, who will be able to pick the sound out of a sound police line-up. Even if the line-up consisted of a thousand sounds, the person will have no problem distinguishing the tree-falling sound from the others.

There are many ways to go about proving the distinctness of the tree-falling sound. I decided to go with the homeless test. “What the hell is the homeless test?” It’s exactly what it sounds like. I drove through Downtown Los Angeles, in the middle of the night, and selected a random homeless guy and asked him if he could identify a sound for me. Initially, he refused and told me to “go fuck yourself!” I was unrelenting in my pursuit of the truth so I pulled out some spare change and dropped it into his cup. Unfortunately, the cup was full of some soup that he had to wait in line at a local shelter to receive. Needless to say, I got the hell out of there before he had a chance to react! (To the homeless guy, I’m sorry for ruining your dinner!)

The incident was a setback, but I did not give up. I drove two more blocks, made a right turn and found another homeless guy. (If there is one thing that Downtown LA will never run out of, it’s homeless people!) After some tough negotiating, I paid the man our agreed upon wage of two dollars and thirty seven cents. (I think I could have bargained him down a few more pennies, but oh well; these things happen!) I pulled out my trustee boom box and placed the cassette tape, of nature sounds, inside. (I’m old school!) Immediately, the man jumped out of his cardboard hut and proclaimed, “that’s a motherfucking tree, falling in the mother fucking forest; that’s my final answer Regis!”

“Correct you are, kind sir! Thanks for your time!” I replied.

There you have it; the sound is unmistakable. After a few minutes of explaining that I was not Regis Philbin and this was not Slum Dog Millionaire LA, the man went back into his fortified home and I drove off. Riddle solved! Please be advised, if you decide to ask a three year old this question, he or she may call you a dumbass for your inability to arrive at the obvious conclusion. (I’m here to save you from having to witness a three year hold lose respect for you. Don’t be a dumbass!)

How much of a dumbass do you have to be to happen upon this and ask, “I wonder if this tree made a sound when it fell?”

     George Berkley has been credited with inspiring Charles Mann and George Twiss to create this “Great Philosophical Riddle,” so to those guys I say, the three of you were a trio of dumbasses! (I’m not certain, but I think George W. Bush was named after one of these Georges instead of after his dad!)

Actually, I’m probably wrong about this being the dumbest question ever since I adhere to the old adage, “there is no such thing as a dumb question, just dumb people who ask questions!”

@PeteTeix617

Misinformed Children

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

When it comes to being creative and pushing the envelope, I’m all about allowing artists to use their creativity to entertain their fellow human beings, but there has to be some accountability. As a society, we need to educate the children before we poison their minds with ridiculous notions. Although I am an atheist, I think religion can play a role in setting a moral foundation for the youth of the world. (Just as long as we allow children to find their own way once they realize that religion is nonsensical!)

Abraham Lincoln is one of my favorite presidents; I believe I ranked him in my top five, in a previous post. (You can read the post here: President’s Day.) There are many reasons to choose Abraham Lincoln as a favorite. First of all, he wore a great top hat. (You’re definitely a complete ass if you don’t respect a man in a top hat!)

Lincoln is famous for his Emancipation Proclamation in which he set out to free all slaves, but failed miserably. I say he failed because the number of slaves freed by the document was a total of zero! (I would explain, but I think people should do their own research!)

That being said, Lincoln is responsible for ending slavery so he is a man to be admired. Lincoln also was assassinated which clearly means he was a man of great honor. (No one was trying to assassinate President George W. Bush!)

Lincoln will always be named when people talk about their favorite president’s; he is on the five dollar bill and the penny, so his memory isn’t going anywhere. Unfortunately for the children of the future, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, will forever be remembered for something which is completely ridiculous.

Thanks to irresponsible Hollywood big wigs, Abraham Lincoln will be remembered for his tenacity as a vampire slayer. “WHAT?” Yes, you read that correctly; Abraham Lincoln will forever be known as a vampire slayer.

I’m sure most people have seen the advertisements for the new movie and chuckled, but this is not a laughing matter. There will come a day when those of you who have children will ask about a favorite President and the answer will seem reasonable at first. Once you delve deeper and ask, “why;” you will be floored by the answer. Your innocent, dumbass of a child, will say, “I like Abraham Lincoln because he killed all the bad vampires!” I wouldn’t wish such a moment on my worst enemy, but there is no turning back; the film will be released soon and history will forever be tainted. (As a History major, I cried when I walked into the movie theatre and saw a poster for the Lincoln vampire movie!)

Do your part and help educate a child by not watching this abomination!

@PeteTeix617

This Actually Happened – May 11th, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

***I actually found El Pino from Blood In Blood Out. It was only a stone’s throw from the main office! I must say that it looks pretty cool! I would have taken a picture, but I didn’t even bother trying with my dumb phone!***

I invented a new dish which I later found out already existed. It may not be new, but it’s new to me! (Not to mention the fact that I probably make it better than anyone else in the world since my culinary skills are unmatched!) I definitely plagiarized something that I didn’t even know existed! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

My recipe for Peanut Butter French Toast

Before I begin, let me put out a disclaimer: If you’re one of those people who counts calories and lives a healthy lifestyle, this is not for you. This dish is for read blooded human beings who enjoy great tasting fatty foods!

*This is a recipe that I created. If you end up making money from stealing this idea, please send me my cut so I am not forced to take action against you. (Legal or illegal!)*

Furthermore, if this is not the first time you heard of this, go fuck kill yourself; I invented it! (That being said, I am aware that this dish has already been created, but I never heard of it prior to inventing it!)

     Step one: You should make a peanut butter sandwich with absolutely no jelly. Jelly is not a main ingredient; it is simply there to make the sandwich easier to consume. If I could eat PB&PB sandwiches, I would! Once you have a peanut butter sandwich, place it to the side. (I placed my sandwich on a clean dish, but feel free to place your sandwich wherever you want; cleanliness is next to godliness which means cleanliness does not exist!)

Step two: Crack three eggs into a bowl and scramble them thoroughly. (Season the eggs to your liking!)

Step three: Dip the peanut butter sandwiches in the eggs like you would a piece of bread for some French toast.

Step four: Melt some butter in a skillet and fry the egg-coated sandwich until fully cooked. (The butter can be substituted with margarine, but not spam. You are not preparing a healthy meal!)

Step Five: Place the finished product on a plate and enjoy with your favorite syrup!

The best part of the dish is the fact that it is safe for people with peanut allergies. Apparently the heat creates a negative reaction and removes the negative effects of the peanut. (This sandwich may be the cure for peanut allergies!)

***I thought about leaving the post as is, but I don’t want to get blamed in the off chance that someone who is allergic to peanuts tries this dish and has a severe allergic reaction! (I completely made up the part about the dish being safe for people who are allergic to peanuts. Don’t ever eat this; you would probably die a horrible death!)***

     I did some research and the preliminary results show that my Peanut Butter French Toast is what the Olympian gods called ambrosia!

If you use one of these to make French toast, you’re probably doing it wrong!

Random Tip: Never allow someone’s baby daddy to drive your car from a tight parking space. Those guys suck at pulling out!

@PeteTeix617

Un-Happy Endings

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

This post was inspired by the movie The Adjustment Bureau. I never watched the film but it was on while I was taking a nap and I caught some of the ending. What actually happened in the film is of little significance, what really matters is the fact that a man was engaged to be married and the “hero” steals his girl. (I apologize for not saying spoiler alert!)

The audience is fooled into believing that the story ended happily, but no one seems to care about the guy who spent at least a few years of his life building a “loving” relationship with a lying whore who never loved him in the first place. This “bad guy” did everything the correct way and just when he thinks he is about to marry the woman of his dreams, she is ripped away from him. (We live in a cruel world!)

I guess if you really consider the situation, the man is better off because the woman was not “the one.” Why doesn’t anyone care about these so called “insignificant characters” who always lose the girl in the end? I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t consider such nonsense to be a happy ending. In some cases, the writer will create a love interest for ”Mr. Second Place” but that’s no consolation. He put in the time and he should be able to keep his bride to be. (Even if she did turn out to be a whore!)

My favorite Mr. Second Place is Gaston from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. Although he wanted Belle by force, he deserved her. There were plenty women in the town who threw themselves at Gaston, but he only had eyes for Belle. To me, his dedication should have been rewarded, but instead, the asshole Beast who held “crazy old Maurice” in his tower as a prisoner, and then swapped him for Belle ends up with the girl. What a disgrace! Honestly, the jackass didn’t even allow Belle to say goodbye to her father. (I don’t think I can ever forgive the beast for the way he treated Maurice!)

Another perfect example of Mr. Second Place getting the short hand of the stick is in the movie The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman who plays the character “Ben” starts the movie by banging Mrs. Robinson, then he has the nerve to fall in love with her beautiful daughter. What a piece of shit! Not only do I feel sorry for Mr. Second Place, but this Ben guy also destroys Mr. Robinson’s life. He starts the movie by being a home wrecker, and then stops the lovely wedding that Mr. Robinson paid for with his hard earned money. I can’t see how this can be considered a happy ending! (The movie should have been called Mr. Robinson’s Life Sucks!)

To top things off, Ben walks off with the girl after Mr. Second Place kissed his bride at the altar. (That’s just cold!) If you are going to stop a wedding, the least you can do is have the decency to get there before the guy kisses his bride to be; it’s just common courtesy. They say chivalry is dead, but I think it is decorum which is no longer practiced. (This movie crossed the line!)

Sadly, it is not only the men who have to suffer this heart-wrenching fate. In the movie The Wedding Planner, J-Ho J-Lo was hired to plan the wedding for Mrs. Second Place. J-Lo came highly recommended, but the whore ends up falling in love with and stealing the groom to be. What is this world coming to; how the hell are we supposed to think this movie had a happy ending? Am I missing something here? The conniving, back-stabbing wedding planner was hired because of her professionalism, but whoever recommended her must have forgotten to include the fact that she has a propensity to steal the groom to be! (If this incident occurred in real life, the wedding planner would have been called a home wrecking whore, but in Hollywood, she’s a great catch. (I call bullshit!)

It’s time for the viewing public to demand better from the writers. There is no need to cause such suffering to innocent human beings. We have a duty to change what is considered a happy ending; no one deserves to suffer such indignity!

I wait for the day when the “hero” attempts to steal the love interest from Mr. Second Place, but she decides to do the honorable thing and marries the deserving fellow. Mr. Second Place has suffered long enough.

To Hollywood, I say keep your “happy endings” and give me a story that I can feel good about! Until then, I guess I’ll have to continue frequenting the local massage parlors in order to get a true “happy ending!”

Thank “god” for Groupon!

@PeteTeix617

Second Chance Sunday {I}

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I decided to change Sunday’s post from a preview of upcoming entries to a throwback day. This has been a calculated transition in order to provide me with a free day from blogging!

***THROWBACK POST***

No Thanks from November 24th.

Enjoy the Thanksgiving Day silliness!

@PeteTeix617

Comparing the Impossible

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I sat on the couch and felt as if I was lacking something. I thought and thought, until I finally understood what I craved; I wanted a snack.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I knew I didn’t want any junk food. I wanted something delicious, light, and filling. We had some baby carrots and celery to go along with a great veggie-dip, but eating this combination required more work than I was willing to undertake; the celery stock had to be cut into small pieces.

I was baffled. UNTIL, a thought entered my head. (An infrequent occurrence!) We had apples and oranges. PERFECT!

A problem still remained; which would be the better choice? I actually wanted both and everyone knows that I like to live dangerously. The plan was set in stone; I would eat an apple before finishing off with an orange.

For centuries, millions of humans have thought about comparing these two dominant fruits, but each attempt resulted in a miserable failure. A bonus to this extreme snacking was the ability to do the impossible; I challenged myself to complete the impossible comparison.

First I had to categorize each item. This was a simple task because they are fruits. This is a step that has been repeated millions of times. The problem was always, where do you go from here?

For step two, I chose to discuss temperature. Each fruit was in the refrigerator’s crisper drawer, so they were equally chilled.

So far, my comparison shows that apples and oranges are exactly the same; there had to be some way to differentiate between the two.

Eureka, I will focus on color. The orange was orange. Most oranges are orange. (I say most, because I don’t feel like researching to see if there is some orange in some foreign land which has an exterior color other than orange!)

The apple on the other hand was a different story; it was green. Not only was the apples color completely different than the oranges’, but apples come in more than one color. (I actually had a red apple in the crisper, but I chose to go with the green!)

Now we are getting somewhere. Do I prefer orange or green? Green is for the money, as former pimp turned Christian, Bishop Don Magic Juan, reminds us every chance he gets. I’m with the money thing, but I must admit that I prefer the orange color when deciding on a fruit. Advantage: orange.

Another key element is what I like to call, thirst-quench-ability. I get dehydrated pretty quickly and I need a piece of fruit that can hold me over between drinks. In this component I have to go with the orange. The apple provides some thirst-quench-ability, but pales in comparison when matched up against the orange. Advantage: orange.

Next, I will focus on flavor. The green apple is delicious and consistent. The orange on the other hand, may be delicious sometimes, but there have been many instances in the past in which I had to throw out an orange for being either too sour, or too dry. This inconsistency is truly annoying. Advantage: apple.

It is important to remember that I wanted to do as little work as possible, so I created a category called ease-ability. This is where the apple shines. In order to enjoy an apple, all that is required is washing the skin. Oranges on the hand are not as easy to deal with. I’m not going to say that oranges are difficult to eat, but there is some peeling required. Advantage: apple.

I also decided to look at what I will call share-ability. This is the category which people often think the orange dominates, because it is easy to peel off a piece and share it with a friend, or relative, but I have to go with the apple on share-ability; snacking is a one person game. Sharing is wack! Advantage: apple.

Durability is important when discussing fruit. The apple bruises fairly easy, but the orange is arguably the most durable fruit. You can juggle oranges and drop them on the floor without worrying about losing any quality. Plus, you don’t eat the oranges’ skin. I don’t care how much you wash an apple, that skin is dirty once it hits the floor. I understand that some people peel apples before eating but they turn brown and peeling would detract from apples’ ease-ability rating. (Don’t juggle apples; they will be nasty to eat!) Advantage: orange.

I think we have enough information to make a final decision. Based on the collected data, I am confident in my decision to name the orange as the dominant fruit. (Apples are good, but I love oranges, so the apple didn’t really stand a chance!)

The next time you hear someone say, “it’s like comparing apples to oranges,” smack the idiot in the face and say, “I’ve seen it done!”

I would love to eat one of these!

     Have a great day! Tebow to the Jets means the Patsies have to deal with him twice a year. I LOVE IT!

@PeteTeix617

President’s Day

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Normally, I don’t write about holidays, unless I have the day off, but I will make an exception. This post will be about my favorite President. (Maybe you will feel the same way I do!)

I know what many of you must be thinking; as a minority, living in America, my favorite President has to be Mr. 44, Barack Obama. You are wrong. It’s great that Barack became President of these United States of America, but he is not my favorite, although he is high on the list.

“Oh, of course! This is pretty easy; your favorite President is sweet sixteen, Abraham Lincoln, Mr. Emancipation himself.” NO! I am a big fan of Lincoln, but he’s not my favorite. I will definitely put him in the top five.

“I’m not sure who your favorite is, but I know it’s not number 43, George W. Bush.”  You’re right; Bush isn’t my favorite, but he also cracks the top five. W is one of my favorites. I don’t really judge presidents by their politics, I just like the ones who make me laugh.

Two other honorable mentions are Number 42, Bill Clinton and number 35 John F. Kennedy. Big Willy and JFK abused their power and got some White House strange. I’m against men cheating on their wives, but if you’re going to be President and run the most powerful country in the world; you’re probably entitled to an intern or two. If you can get a playmate, which I am almost certain is extremely easy for any Head of State, go right ahead and enjoy yourself. (Don’t get married if you plan on cheating; it’s a dumbass move. If you don’t believe me, ask Mr. Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers. THAT GUY IS A CERTIFIED IDIOT!)

Now to the moment of truth! My favorite President is number 21, Chester A. Arthur. Not only is he twenty-one, which is the age every young person aspires to be, but I like Chester for a completely different reason. I will never forget that Chester A Arthur is the twenty first President. It all has to do with one of my favorite movies of all time, DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE!

Samuel L. Jackson, I’m sure in between some swears, pointed out that the bomb was at Chester A Arthur middle school in New York City because there were forty two Presidents and he was twenty one which is half. Chester A Arthur is my favorite President because of a movie. Go figure!

Chester A Arthur

      ***If you take all of the numbers provided above, you’ll probably win the Big Game. Don’t forget to send a couple dollars my way! (For the bonus number, use the number that coincides with your favorite President!)***

Enjoy the day if you have it off; I’ll be working!

@PeteTeix617

This Actually Happened – February 17th, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

The Weirdest Place In America

Yesterday, we decided to go have some wings and watch some sports on television. A few weeks ago, we went to a mall to watch Mission Impossible 4 and we remembered a specific place that would be perfect for the night. Once we left the highway, I saw a Macy’s and pulled into the parking garage. We found a perfect spot and exited on our way to the chosen establishment. There was only one problem, we couldn’t find the restaurant. We honestly circled the mall several times with zero luck. That’s when reality set in, we were on Burbank Blvd and the previous mall was on Magnolia Blvd. Honest mistake, except for the fact that Magnolia and Burbank are a block away, near First Street. I am not making this up; there are two AMC Theaters and two malls, a stone’s throw away from each other. (In this case, I’m talking about a stone thrown by a seven year-old school girl!) *I just Googled the theaters in order to show how close they are and I uncovered an unbelievable truth. I was wrong; there are four AMC Theaters in the one block radius!* This place keeps getting weirder by the second!

I think if you stand directly in the center of all four theaters and make a wish, it will come true. I wished for you to read this post! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Tomorrow I will post my thoughts on Whitney Houston!

Thanks to Jeremy Lin, Sports Center continues to talk about The Great Tim Tebow!

@PeteTeix617

What Does That Even Mean

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Thanks to a suggestion from Jess, this post will aim to shine a light on several sayings which make, absolutely, no sense. Some of these were plagiarized directly from her.

  1. “People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.” This just sends a bad message to the children. My nephew does not live in a glass house, is he allowed to throw stones? “Don’t throw any stones; you little jerk!”
  2. “Love is blind.” I thought love was supposed be a good thing. I have nothing against blind people, but I’m sure they want to see. “Love is invisible!”
  3. “All good things must come to an end.” I love what this one infers. It’s time for everyone to become atheists since we all know, “god” is good! (I think he came to an end during the Renaissance!) “Enjoy the good times because they may not last!”
  4. “Justice delayed is justice denied.” This is completely idiotic. Justice is justice; I’ve never heard the family of a murder victim ask the governor, most likely of Texas, to pardon the murderer because the justice was delayed. “Justice delayed, is futuristic!”
  5. “Laughter is the best medicine.” This only works if your ailment is unhappiness. Laughter is great, but I’d rather have a morphine drip, thank you. “Laughter is great; go to the hospital when you are sick or injured!”
  6. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” If I can’t eat my cake, you can keep it; it’s your cake, now. No, I just want to look at my cake and marvel at its beauty. Who knows, if I’m lucky, maybe I will get to smell my cake. This one is too ridiculous to waste brain power trying to improve it.
  7. “Practice makes perfect.” There is no perfect, and some people just lack talent. “Practice makes better, unless you suck!”
  8. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” This is inaccurate. Go to any Intensive Care Unit and ask the people if they feel stronger. “What doesn’t kill you can still cause severe damage!”
  9. “As you make your bed, so you must lie in it.” Does that mean that the workers, who make the beds in the hotel, lie in them before they leave the room? If so, how long must a person lie in a made bed? This one is too confusing.
  10. “Children suck the mother when they are young and the father when they are old.” Yeah, maybe in the Sandusky household; this one is just creepy! It cannot be fixed!
  11. “A good beginning makes a good end.” Tell that to the people who end up getting divorced after they share a wonderful courtship and have a lavish wedding. “A good beginning can be ruined by a bad ending!”
  12. “A burnt child dreads the fire.” Everyone dreads the fire. Even pyromaniacs don’t want to be burned. “A burnt child was unsupervised!”
  13. “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.” This saying is outdated. We have air conditioners, central air, ceiling fans, and great ventilation systems; kitchens are no longer too hot. “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the sauna!”
  14. “He is a fool that kisseth the maid when he may kiss the mistress.” This one just made me laugh.
  15.  “Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.” No it doesn’t; you just wear different sizes. They are quite comfortable for the other person. “Wear your own shoes and mind your damn business!”
  16. “When one door closes, another opens.” This is not necessarily true; one door can close and another one can open, but this rarely occurs. Doors are independent objects. People close doors all day long without opening another one. “When the sun goes down, the moon will provide the light!”
  17. “Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.” I think the homeless guy who hit the lottery might disagree with this one. “Happiness is in the eye of the beholder!” (It’s as subjective as beauty!)
  18. “The early bird gets the worm.” Being punctual has nothing to do with getting the worm. Birds don’t even have to be fast; worms are pretty slow. “The observant bird gets the worm!”
  19. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” What sadistic bastard is out in the world, skinning cats? “Don’t skin any cats, you evil asshole!”
  20. “It’s a dog eat dog world.” This is a total misrepresentation of canine behavior; dogs do not eat other dogs. They may night and kill, but they are not cannibals. “It’s a dog kill dog world!”
  21. “You’re comparing apples and oranges.” What’s the problem; they’re both fruits and easily comparable. This apple is tastier than that orange; it makes perfect sense. “You’re comparing apples to aborted fetuses!”
  22. “A penny saved is a penny earned.” If your saving pennies, give me a call and I’ll send you a couple bucks. Don’t be shy! “A penny saved is fucking insane!”
  23. “He, who laughs last, laughs best.” This couldn’t be more false. The person who laughs first can have a better laugh. “He, who laughs last, wins!”
  24. “I slept like a baby.” This one was created by someone who never witnessed a sleeping baby. They sleep like they have A.D.D; and only for short periods of time. “I slept like a wino on a park bench!”
  25. “A rolling stone gathers no moss” I have never witnessed a rolling stone, but who the hell wants to gather moss? “Why the hell do you want to gather moss?”
  26. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” What the hell am I going to do with lemonade? I just lost my fucking job, dumbass! “When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into life’s eyes!”
  27. “You must face your fears, head on.” This is absolutely the worst advice. You will only cause yourself unnecessary trauma. The fear will most likely remain. You’re afraid for a reason. “You must avoid your fears at all cost!”
  28. “Money can’t buy happiness.” Poverty can’t buy anything; I’ll take the money, please! What the person means to say is, “I have no money and I am angry that you do!”
  29. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Why the hell not? The reason I brought the basket was so I can put all my eggs in it. There is no freaking way I am carrying two baskets! (If you ever see anyone carrying two baskets of eggs, kick them in the ass; they are completely defenseless!) “Be careful with your eggs; their fragile!”
  30. “Pushing the envelope.” I don’t see how pushing an envelope can be categorized as an extreme act. This phrase is nonsensical. “Pushing the expensive glass vase!”
  31. “A friend in need is a friend indeed.”  No, this person is needy and burdensome; you should run away. “A friend in need is annoying!”
  32. “A watched pot never boils.” Yes it does! It’s basic science. Water boils at a two hundred and twelve degrees Fahrenheit, whether a person watches or not. “If you stare at a pot of water, you will feel as if it is taking forever to boil!”   
  33. “Good things come to those who wait.” Really, I’ve been waiting to hit the lottery and that hasn’t happened. “Waiting for good things to happen is cool, but you should probably get off your ass and make things happen!”
  34. “All you need is love.” Ok, I’d like to see the ass that’s trying to feed his family with love. “All you need are the basic necessities; if you find love, that’s a bonus!”
  35. “Cheaters never prosper.” Someone who sucks at cheating probably came up with this one. “If undetected, cheaters will prosper!”
  36. “First thing’s first.” No shit! You can’t get more obvious than this. I’m assuming second thing is second, and so on. “Handle your business, in order!”
  37. “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” (Writing that word makes me cringe!) This is just another obvious statement. I can come up with a million of these. “If the oven works, you can bake a cake in it!”
  38. “Life is just a bowl of cherries.” For the life of me, I can’t figure this one out. All I can say is, I have yet to see a bowl filled with cherries; anywhere! “Life is good, well, for some people!” (This works perfectly, since all good things come to an end!)
  39. “Walking on egg shells.” The egg shells are already broken, so who cares? It’s not like walking on egg shells will cause bodily harm to an individual; walk on glass might work. “Walking on baby chicks!” Now that would be serious.
  40. “You must walk before you run.” Bullshit! If you have the talent to get up and run, don’t let anyone hold you back; run like the wind. “If you can run, RUN!”
  41. “Run like the wind.” When the hell have you ever seen the wind run? It should be, “run like the cheetah!” (Or cheater, if you can get away with it!)
  42. “Si es Goya, tiene que ser bueno!” Who the hell slipped this one in?
  43. “They’re like two peas in a pod.” So what you are saying is, they are together because they are trapped? That’s not a good pair. “People are nothing like peas, but the pea pods and shrimp from the Chinese Restaurant is delicious!”
  44. “With “god,” anything is possible.” Without “god,” anything is also possible. “Anything is possible!” (It’s pretty basic!)
  45. “There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.” Is this a joke? There is plenty to fear. This is a scary ass world; did you ever walk into a mega church and forget to bring your weekly donation? You will truly understand what fear is! “Fear everything; people are crazy!”
  46. “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” There is no limit to how many times a person can fool you. It should be, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me again the same way, I’m a dumbass!”

     I decided to create my own saying. A team that has not been Tebowed, has not played Tebow!

@PeteTeix617