Be Careful What You Wear

Last week, several tourists forgot where they were going. First lady, Michelle Obama decided to surprise some of the folks visiting the White House, but the majority of the people were not prepared. Many of the visitors were in their Sunday’s worst. People had on sweat pants and casual gear.

I’m no fashion guru, but I would think that a visit to the White House, regardless if you are meeting with dignitaries or not, deserves some respect. I’m not suggesting that people would wear tuxedos and evening gowns, but sweat pants is a little to laidback for such an occasion. (Who knows, maybe I’m old fashioned!)

I’m sure most of the mid-day tourists didn’t care that they were woefully under-dressed, but there had to be at least two or three of the unprepared who were embarrassed with their wardrobe choice. If forewarned, most people would wear a proper outfit to meet the first lady of the United States of America, but sometimes in life, you don’t get second chances to make a first impression. (Michelle Obama did not select any of the visitors to join the President’s cabinet; maybe next time!)

It’s honestly not the biggest deal. Most of the people were probably not headed for great heights, but the article was passed along to me and I found it to be humorous.

If you haven’t had the opportunity to read the article and you have a desire to, follow the link: Under-dressed Visitors.

 

The least they could have done was wear this t-Shirt!

     If you ever plan to visit the White House, do yourself a favor and dress as if you belong in the building!

Since I’m on the topic of wardrobe, allow me to thank whoever-the-heck-created-the-trend-of-wearing-leggings-as-pants. That person has brought great joy to the world! Ladies, keep up the good work!

Not even Michelle Obama can be mad at those pants!

     I almost put up an inappropriate picture of a woman in leggings, but I decided to put up some great photos of Wal-Mart customers. Enjoy!

The first woman to wear the new see-through leggings!

“We have to get the hell out of here; I just sharted!”

With this guy on his side, Barack has this election on lock!

I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate!

“Cash Rules Everything Around Me!

Don’t be alarmed; I’m almost certain this little girl can’t read!

It must be halftime at the game!

Yes, she’s there with her child!

Hasn’t Jesus suffered enough?

Low-Ridin’ in a ’64!

Did somebody say MILF?

Onyx’s Fredro Starr would be proud!

Kathy forgot to take her anti-sleepwalking pills!

This guy is clearly at the downtown Wal-Mart!

“They Hatin’!”

You may be wondering how some of these people arrived!

     The site contains over eight hundred pages. I searched through about two hundred. Feel free to check out the rest. People of Wal-Mart.

@PeteTeix617

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This Actually Happened – February 4th, 2012

It’s Curtain Time

The other day, we were at Target picking up some essential items for the apartment when @EFidalgo12 demanded that we purchase new shower curtains. “We definitely need to grab new curtains; we should even get new rings that hold up the curtains!” He said. I was completely in agreement; there is no telling what bodily fluids have been discarded on the old shower curtain. Not only was this a cleanliness issue, but we were preventing the possible spread of STDs! (There is a good chance that the previous tenant was a prostitute!) We found the items with little effort and picked out a basic shade. (In an effort to enhance the tale, @EFidalgo12 was peeved because Target didn’t have fuchsia colored curtains!) Later in the evening, after gathering the most necessary items, we returned to our sanitized apartment. I had been drinking beverages (non-alcoholic in this instance!) and nature called. After relieving my liver of some waste-filled fluids, I asked @EFidalgo12 to walk into the bathroom and tell me if he noticed anything wrong. He obliged and carefully looked over every nook and cranny of our lavatory. He couldn’t find any problem. I carefully pointed to the shower and asked, “where the hell are you planning to hang the shower curtains?” It turns out that we have glass doors in the shower. (Yes, we are, indeed, idiots!) The curtains and rings were returned for a lamp. We are both college educated! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Tomorrow’s game is arguably the scariest sporting event of my life. I do not want to be forced to go to church!

On this Super Bowl Sunday, I hope to read from the Book of Eli!

GO LOS GIGANTES!!!

@PeteTeix617

Two Cars, Two Dumbasses

Today started off like any other day; I prepared for work and made the drive down to South Gate. I arrived a few minutes early and parked the car. I gathered the necessary paperwork and exited, making sure to lock the door. That’s when I uncovered the world’s newest dumbass. Two steps from the vehicle a thought hit me, “Where the hell are the car keys?”

Did I lose the ignition key? NO! It was safe, inside the ignition! (When it comes to being a dumbass, there are very few situations that rival locking your keys in the car!)

Luckily, I was able to leave the car in the parking spot and catch a ride with my co-worker to the day’s stops. The few people who learned about my inattention to detail, laughed it up at my expense. It was a humbling day at work, but the fact that I am building solid friendships with some great individuals is wonderful. (I lucked out and found a fantastic job!)

During the day, the account manager who oversees my route learned about my mishap and enjoyed a belly-aching laugh. I am a good sport so I didn’t mind the good natured ribbing. I also adhere to the old adage, “he who laughs last, laughs best,” and I ended up laughing last.

The account manager gave us our last assignment for the day and said that he would meet us at the store, before we clocked out for the day. Fifteen minutes after we arrived, I received a call from the aforementioned account manager; he spoke with a hint of embarrassment in his voice. Here is what he said, verbatim: “Hey bro, you’re not going to believe it; I locked my keys in the car. I’ll be a little late.” It took me a while to stop laughing. (We live in a wonderful world which provides us with little moments that we will always treasure!)

I returned to the location of my unfortunate incident and assessed the situation. I am no criminal, but this mistake has happened to me in the past. I managed to gain entrance into the vehicle, previously. Unfortunately, it wasn’t going to happen this time; I had to search Google for a good locksmith. I called and made an appointment. The damage was estimated to run me about seventy-five bucks, but my other boss showed up and saved the day. (After enjoying a good laugh, of course!)

I cancelled the locksmith and the big guy (Not the fake one in the sky!) called his AAA; they came to my rescue. The technician opened the door in less than two minutes, free of charge. (My favorite price!) While waiting for AAA to arrive, I spoke with the big guy and the future looks promising!

Thankfully, I don’t have to wear a suit in this scorching weather!

     That goes to show, sometimes, being a dumbass can work to your advantage!

I want to send out a big THANK YOU to the big guy!

@PeteTeix617

We Meet A Genius

Our internet is scheduled to be installed today. (Hopefuly!) I really don’t feel like writing on my phone, so this post will be short and to the point.

On Saturday, we traveled to Compton to purchase a television. (For some reason, we thought the store on Crenshaw Blvd was the closest location, but we were wrong!)

***It is interesting to note that we saw at least 12 police cars scattered thoughtout the parking lot. (I’m not sure if there is a police station inside the store, but the place seemed fairly safe)***

After asking about the insurance plan, the cashier explained that they do not offer insurance. She did add that the television is covered by the stores one year protection plan. (Great!)

She continued to explain that, if for any reason we needed to return the television, we had 90 days. A perplexed look appeared on @EFidalgo12′s face; he was clearly missing something and required more details about this mysterious plan.

The woman’s exact words: “Yeah, if anything goes wrong,you have 90 days to bring it back. It’s great!”

@EFidalgo12: “So the plan is for 90 days?”

“Genius” Sales Associate: “Yeah, they give you a whole year to return the television.”

I don’t know where this woman received her “fancy book learning,” but I’m starting to doubt her claim that she is in fact 179 years old!

What would life be without the amazing people!

@PeteTeix617

Funny Church Signs

Due to a lack of free time, I have decided to post some funny church signs. Some of these have clearly been photoshopped!

#1

Sex will always sell!

#2

Talk about your money back guarantee!

#3

I’m sure the townspeople enjoyed explaining this one to the children!

#4

How the hell do they know?

#5

Sounds like a great time! Where the hell can I find a baby Jesus?

#6

That’s not nice!

#7

I think Jesus is going to lose this battle!

#8

Why would anyone want Santa to die?

#9

I thought the church was against heat!

#10

Of course, this is my favorite of the bunch. Thanks for thinking of us!

*BONUS*

How can you not step foot in this church after reading that?

I hope these were enjoyable!

@PeteTeix617

 

This Actually Happened — January 21st, 2012

Chinese Food

Today’s post will be my attempt to get back to some form of normalcy.

     The other day, while in Chinatown, we experienced an unbelievable occurrence. After our meeting, we headed to Bank of America to handle some business, and the helpful young woman suggested a couple places to eat, since we were starving. (My stomach was growling like the belly of a hungry college student who woke up too late to eat breakfast before an early morning class!) We chose a restaurant called Hop Woo, conveniently located across the street from the bank. A bonus was the fact that they offered reasonably priced combination plates. We crossed the street, at the crosswalk, and entered the establishment. (Los Angeles doesn’t play around with jaywalking!) Upon entering, we were happy to see a great selection of Chinese cuisine, right before our eyes. We looked over the various dishes and prepared to make our choices. The woman asked whether we wanted to dine in or if we preferred take-out and I replied, for here. She grabbed a couple menus and led us to an empty table. The restaurant was about half-full but not overly busy. We looked over the menus while the waitress brought a plate of appetizers and some tea. Everything was going swimmingly, until she asked if we were ready to order. @EFidalgo12 went first and he wanted to create a combination plate from the choices that we saw at the entrance. There was a problem; we could either order the items as separate dishes and eat in the restaurant, or take the food to go. After much confusion, we elected to get the take-out and leave. (I poured a cup of tea, but didn’t even take a sip!) At the counter, we selected our respective combination plates and prepared to pay. I offered to pay for the meal with my debit card, but there was another problem; the minimum purchase was fifteen dollars. I agreed to the policy and added two drinks to our order. The total was $10.19; we had to pay cash. For the life of me, I can’t understand why the restaurant didn’t allow patrons to choose from the take-out menu and be served on plates, but I guess this will just be a mystery that will never be solved. Not only did we get the plates and drinks for fewer than eleven bucks, but they threw in a couple soups. We left with our meals and wandered the streets. It was a beautiful day, so we planned on finding some park benches and enjoying our lunch, but to our surprise, there was a lovely outdoor public eating area only a couple blocks away. This was the most challenging Chinese food experience of my life! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Let’s go Ravens!!!

Hopefully, we’ll be able to hunt down a great apartment, soon!

@PeteTeix617

What A Pointless Idea

Every so often, a company places an idiot in the position of power. The decision is always detrimental to the particular business, but it provides laughter for the rest of the world. The pointless idea that I am referring to, can be found in most retail outlets. I demand to know who decided to create the gift receipt! (If anyone knows of an idea which is more pointless, please notify me!)

     I can’t believe people actually accept this nonsense. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the way I see it, the point of the gift receipt is to allow a person to return a gift without revealing the price of the product to them. (If this concept makes sense to you, you’re a complete dumbass!)

We live during the peak of the technological revolution; every single device we purchase becomes outdated after a month or so. Smartphones are more common than the cold, making it easy for someone to look up the price of any item. Including a gift receipt is like buying a brand new VCR!  (Keep up with the times!)

Even before the smartphone explosion, anyone could find out how much a gift costs. The biggest problem I have with the idea of a gift receipt is the belief in some sort of scout’s honor in which the gifted is expected to return an item to a store without paying attention to the price.

Here is an example of the only possible scenario in which a gift receipt makes any sense.

Gifted: “Hi, I received this sweater vest from a ‘friend’ of mine, but it doesn’t fit. May I exchange it for  a bigger size?”

Sales Associate: “Only if you have a receipt.”

Gifted: “I have a gift receipt.”

Sales Associate: “No problem. Please wait here while I find the correct size and remove the price tag so you will not be able to know the price of the sweater!”

Gifted: “Thank you. I was scared I might actually see the price.”

[The End]

Don’t ever take the gift receipt. In fact, if someone asks if you would like a gift receipt, reply “no thank you, dumbass!”

If you own this sweater vest, you deserve a gift receipt!

     If you work for an establishment that expects employees to provide gift receipts, you are selling yourself short; your employers are complete idiots! (Find a better job, or demand to be given a superior position than the idiot who controls the companies return policy!)

I can’t believe our species has evolved to invent the gift receipt! We owe it to the future generations to remove this dumbass idea from the world. Please do your part and write to your local representatives!!!

@PeteTeix617

The (Bad) Name Game

Skip Bayless has it right; he’s Chad Ocho-stinko:

Recently, there have been two well-known professional athletes who changed their names. The first is Chad Johnson, former Cincinnati Bengal and current New England Patsy.

Chad Johnson was an unstoppable force, who scored touchdowns almost every game. He was on pace to become a celebrated Hall of Famer; UNTIL…he did the unthinkable! (Did anyone actually think it was a good idea?)

Chad decided to legally change his surname to his jersey number, in Spanish! That’s right; he went from Chad Johnson to Chad Ocho Cinco. I guess Mr. 85 wanted to do something shocking, but all he did was shed light on his poor decision making capabilities. (I won’t discuss his engagement!)

Since changing his name, Chad’s skills diminished. Patsy fans were thrilled to welcome the “star” receiver to their team, but I didn’t understand what all the hype was about; I knew his career was over. Chad arrived and failed to grasp the complicated offense. The fans predicted unbelievable stats from Ocho Cinco and he did not disappoint. His numbers are unbelievably horrible; plain “god” awful!

To date, chad played in 15 games for the Patsies. He caught a total of 15 passes. That’s right folks; the guy is averaging a, pedestrian, 1 reception a game! Ocho Cinco earns 5.5 million dollars this year. By my calculations, he is being paid $367,000 a reception! (Not a bad way to earn a living!)

He’s a Ronartest:

The other athlete who made a drastic name change is Ron Artest. The former St John’s star player and versatile NBA star lost his freaking mind. It is not surprising that Artest changed his name to something ridiculous; after all, he was the guy who thanked his therapist after winning his first NBA championship! (Everyone had to expect that something weird was on the horizon!)

Phil Jackson, who had previous experience dealing with an eccentric character¸ Dennis Rodman, handled Artest perfectly, is no longer with the Lakers. Mike Brown, Mr. Give-the-ball-to-Lebron himself, is not equipped to harness Artest’s “uniqueness!” This freak show will spiral out of control and the Lakers will self-destruct. (This is the last thing Kobe Bryant needs; I think it’s about time to demand a trade!)

Ron Artest went completely bonkers and changed his name to Metta World Peace. I know what you are thinking, but you read that correctly! (If you are a client of Mr. World Peace’s therapist, do yourself a favor and find better counseling!)

Metta World Peace! I can’t even watch the Lakers play because the announcers call him Metta World Peace; it’s complete insanity. If you are wondering, Artest has yet to make a three-pointer this year and his numbers are atrocious. As a Celtics fan, I always argue that Red Auerbach was is the greatest coach of all-time, but Phil Jackson may have surpassed him. Not only does Phil possess more championships, but he had the foresight to jump ship before the SS Lake Show sank!

If you ever have an opportunity to become a famous celebrity and you have an urge to change your name to something distinctive, because you think it will make you eccentric, DON’T DO IT! You will only make yourself to look like a complete ASS and your fame will trend downward! (Don’t be an idiot!)

I don’t blame these two athletes for their dumb decisions; their close friends and family members are responsible. Friends don’t let friends drink and change their names to asinine terms! (At least not legally!)

The government should have the power to decline such requests!!!

@PeteTeix617

A Different Perspective

Christmas is beginning to be my favorite holiday; it’s arguably the most important day in Christianity, but somehow, Santa Claus is more important than Jesus! As an atheist, this is truly the greatest gift Santa ever delivered! (In the battle of mythological heroes, Santa is more powerful!)

Many people attempt to justify their failure to avoid falling into the trap of consumerism, but they are not able to fool me. Luckily for Christians, Jesus does not exist because if he did, his jealous father would probably destroy America as an example to the rest of the world! (My prediction: In four score and seven years, the United States of America will completely disassociate Jesus from Christmas!)

For those of you who drink “the other crappy cola,” it brings me great pleasure to mention the fact that the Coca Cola Company is responsible for the modern version of Santa Claus! (Coke is the best!) *To read more about the best drink created by man, click the link: A True Coke Head.*

The way I see it, Christmas, and all other mythological celebrations is all about the children. Watching a youngster open presents, with the excitement of a Broncos fan watching the great Tim Tebow score a touchdown, warms my heart! The fact that 99.4% of children completely forget about Jesus, on his birthday, is truly the gift that keeps on giving! (It is said that every time a child thanks Santa Claus for a present, an angel commits suicide!)

Yesterday, I found a book on the kitchen table; arguably the best present you can give a child! (I said arguably!) The novel was a copy if the Wizard of Oz. I opened to the introduction and found a wonderful surprise. Here is what I read:

     “Movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’: Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.” – Actual listing in the TV section of the Marin Independence-Journal, Marin, California, Summer 2002.

I couldn’t stop laughing! Perspective is everything!

     Here is my review of Christmas, from the perspective of an alien who recently landed on earth!

“The holiday seems to be one in which millions of people, throughout the world, spit in the face of their so called ‘Lord and Savior!’ They blatantly choose to worship a jolly bearded fellow, who has the ability to deliver presents to all of the ‘good’ children! Every so often, one of these half-assed followers will feel a sense of guilt and remember to say, ‘Happy birthday, Jesus!’ These Christians would all go to Hell, if the place existed! The followers of Christianity must truly hate their Christ!”

Merry Christmas!

@PeteTeix617

Some People Will Believe Anything

KIM JONG-IL

     The season ending episode of Bagging Up will be posted tomorrow. This entry will be about the late North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il. I am not concerned with his politics or human rights record; there are evil people all over this planet. What fascinates me about the “Supreme Leader,” is the weird propaganda that he created.

I will discuss my five favorite Kim Jong-Il “facts!” (Feel free to Google some of the other propaganda creations!)

#5) DIVINE BIRTH:

“Legend has it that a double rainbow and a glowing new star appeared in the heavens to herald the birth of Kim Jong Il, in 1942, on North Korea’s cherished Baekdu Mountain. Soviet records, however, indicate he was born in the Siberian village of Vyatskoye, in 1941. The people of North Korea, many of whom are reportedly battling famine, are apparently told that Kim’s birthday is celebrated throughout the world.” – Global Post

I don’t blame Kim for this one. The followers of Jesus can make up an unbelievable birth, why not the “Supreme Leader!”

 

#4) TALK ABOUT A RIM JOB:

“While Kim was on his famous 2001 train trip to Moscow, a Russian envoy who traveled with him said roast donkey and fresh lobsters were flown to the train every day.” – Global Post

I guess the saying has been proven to be correct; you are what you eat! (I’ll pass on the ass!)

 

#3) NO SHIT:

“It is reported that Kim’s official biography on the North Korean state web site, which has since been taken down, claimed that Kim did not defecate. Enough said.”  – Global Post

Maybe if someone handed Kim Jong-Il a laxative, he would still be alive today! (What a waste!)

 

#2) TIGER, EAT YOUR HEART OUT:

“In 1994, it was reported by Pyongyang media outlets that Kim Jong Il shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course – including 5 holes in one! That score is 25 shots better than the best round in history, and is made even more amazing by the fact that it was his first time playing the sport. It’s said Kim Jong Il would routinely sink 3 or 4 holes in one per round of golf, and – lucky for the PGA – he has since given it up.” – http://hiddenunseen.blogspot.com

Thankfully for the professional golfers, the North Korea Open is closed to non-Communists! (I wonder how many mulligans were handed out during the round?)

 

#1) I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED KIM IN THE RAP VIDEOS:

“For a few years in the early 1990s, it was confirmed by Hennessy that Kim Jong Il was it’s best customer, spending about $600,000 to $850,000 annually on the liquor. He is partial to the Paradis cognac, which can sell for over $700 per bottle. In comparison, the average North Korean makes about $1000 per year.” – Global Post

When rappers discuss sipping on Hennessey with Kim, I thought they were talking about some diseased-filled groupie. Who knew the songs are actually about sipping Hennessy with North Korea’s “Supreme Leader!”

 

***Bonus “Facts:”***

“Official records reportedly show that Kim learned to walk at the age of three weeks, and was talking at eight weeks. While at Kim Il Sung University, he apparently wrote 1,500 books over a period of three years, along with six full operas. According to his official biography, all of his operas are “better than any in the history of music.”  – Global Post

Too bad YouTube didn’t exist back in 1941 1942; Kim Jong-Il would have been an internet sensation! (Can someone please send me a link to the operas; I can’t seem to find them on Spotify!)

Kim Jong-Il was truly an original guy; mythical tales about a great figure? Gee, I wonder where I’ve heard that before! Obviously, his stories were fabricated, but we all know that religious claims are all true!

Today is December 21, 2011. In exactly one year, the world will end!!!

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!!!

@PeteTeix617