Category Archives: humor

Fuck The Quitting Ass Ex-Pope

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

*****     Before I dive into the controversial heading, I would like to take a moment to discuss my lack of content. February has been a hectic month. As much as I enjoyed living in Los Angeles, we had to make a difficult decision and chose to leave. That’s right; I no longer live in Los Angeles.

It’s not what you think. I didn’t fail miserably and realize that I am incapable of making a life for myself on the west coast. We simply moved to Burbank which is only one town south of North Hollywood. (I don’t even have to change my cleaners!)

     Now that I am resettled and once again a member of the twenty first century with internet service, I plan on writing more frequently. *****

 

Obviously, those who are familiar with my work will probably assume that this is some anti-religion, anti-Catholicism, atheist rant, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am not saying “fuck the quitting ass ex-pope” out of spite, or hatred; I honestly have a legitimate reason for my vitriol.

Here is why I have a major beef with the man “god” chose to lead his flock. (For an all-powerful being “god” sucks at picking leaders. An unimaginable number of pedophiles and now a quitter! I don’t know about you but I think someone needs to tell this guy that he is not CEO material!)

I have a completed manuscript which took a great deal of blood sweat and tears to produce. In order to write my novel, I did some extensive research and discovered that there were a couple examples of popes who actually resigned from the position of “Pedophilias Maximus!”  A fact that is not well-known.

Now, because of this selfish jackass, formerly known as Benedict (Arnold) XVI, I have to re-write an entire freaking chapter. What a wicked pissah! (You can take the man out of Boston, but you can’t take the Boston out of the man!)

***I actually have never uttered those words unless it was in jest!***

     I’ll go back to the drawing board and rewrite the chapter to include the latest quitter.

Another reason I am upset with Mr. “share-the-passion-of-the-Christ-with-the-boys-of-the-world” is the fact that his inability to deal with the shit storm that is about to overtake the Catholic Church forced me to change my Facebook profile.

As soon as I heard the announcement I posted this status:

“Today is a sad day. Due to the Pope’s decision to quit, I will be forced to retire my profile pic on February 28th @ 8:00pm Vatican time.”

     Here is my previous profile pic, which I created and loved:

RICH POPE

     Here is my new profile pic which I found online and I love.

rapist pope

     Most people pray for the pope to live a long healthy life, but I enjoy the conclave. I just love the excitement of watching the smoke rise from the chimney and waiting to see who will lead the next generation of pedophiles. (This feud will continue as long as that guy breathes the good lord’s air!)

I have a lot more to say about this quitter, but I’ll save my comments for my post about a church related documentary!

@PeteTeix617

About these ads

90’s Tweets

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

These are five sample tweets I would have sent, had Twitter existed in the 90’s. I’ll only limit the list to five because I could probably go on forever and that would be pointless! I just think the idea lends itself to some funny tweets.

I will also post one response that I would have received for each tweet!

 

<I>

@Randomfriend About to call your crib. Pick up cause I banged your mom last night and I don’t feel like talking to her! #HousePhone

@PeteTeix617 HA HA! I’m showing my mom this tweet. #LastLaugh

 

<II>

I’m so upset with Buddy for what he did today, on Charles In Charge. #DoucheBestFriend

@PeteTeix617 Nicole Eggert is hot! #WhyIWatch

<III>

Say don’t you know no gooooooooood! #Martin

@PeteTeix617 LMFAO! That episode was funny as shit. #IJustWannaFinishMySong

<IV>

I’m thinking of running for class president, but I gotta find a Lewinski first! #Looking4aGirlWithABlueDress

@PeteTeix617 Who the hell saves a jizz soaked dress? #SuperFreak

<V>

I don’t know about Forest Gump, but those BAYWATCH chicks be RUNNIN’! #Watching

@PeteTeix617 Hell Yeah! Those producers are geniuses. #BayWatching

<BONUS>

You won’t believe this! Sixteen year-old Oregon girl just had a baby. #FuckingCrazy

@PeteTeix617 I just grabbed the paper; I can’t believe it either. #WrapItUp

 

Feel free to take this idea and run with it!

@PeteTeix617

Second Chance Sunday {IX}

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Due to the fact that I missed yesterday’s This Actually Happened post, I decided to add a quick story to today’s entry.

Yesterday, while in a store in Pasadena, I walked down the aisle and there was a weird woman standing in front of my destination. She did her best to gain my attention and then said this, “Tell Obama that I support him! I voted for Obama!”

I’ll get right on it, Ma’am! What was your name again? (I ask because she had identification and showed me her real name! (If only I paid attention when crazy people introduce themselves!)

***Hey Barack, if perchance you stumble upon this blog, it is with great pleasure that I inform you there is some crazy woman in Pasadena who voted for you!***

***THROWBACK POST***

I Don’t Think I Saw That from December 6th.

@PeteTeix617

Chris Bosh Breaks Down And Reveals True Cause Of Abdominal Strain

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Originally, Chris Bosh claimed that he suffered an abdominal strain while attempting to pull down a rebound during game one of the second round playoff match-up against the Indiana Pacers, but after some rigorous questioning, the all-star power forward broke down and revealed the truth about his injury.

In a shocking twist, Bosh admitted that he suffered the strain at his Miami area home. Apparently, Bosh was doing Pilates with his wife and she challenged him to a “Pilates posture-off!”

Bosh explained the rules in a recent radio interview. “Well, it’s pretty simple. Me and the misses get into different positions and the person who breaks first, loses. Each new position increases in difficulty and is worth one more point than the previous exercise.”

Mrs. Bosh was winning by a point after the couple completed exercise number eight, known as the mermaid. (I am not familiar with the pose but I assume there is some salt water involved!) Like any red-blooded athlete, the NBA star knew he had to push it to the limit in order to secure a victory.

The final exercise was the most challenging; the barrel stretch. (Pictured below!)

Here is Bosh’s explanation of the injury:

“I knew I had to dig down deep in order to win. My wife was in the lead and she was talking a little smack. Normally I wouldn’t mind but the, I love Skip Bayless, t-shirt she had on pissed me off. There was no way I could back down! We got into the position which was worth ten points and after an hour and a half, I began to feel some discomfort. This happens almost every night which is usually when I decide to stop posing, but I didn’t want to quit. I pushed myself and held the pose for another two hours. It was tough but I knew what was on the line. I think it was four hours into the final challenge that I felt the strain; I let out a loud whimper and that’s when my wife lost concentration; releasing her position. I know we are in the middle of the NBA playoffs but there are times in a person’s life when sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. The win was definitely worth it; I will forever be known as a champion!” (Yes Chris, I agree that you will forever be known as a Pilates champion!)

     Well folks, that’s quite a tale! ESPN sports anchor, Steve Levy, mistakenly reported that Bosh’s abdominal strain was the result of a bulging dick! (Watch the clip if you didn’t watch SportsCenter in the ‘90s! ESPN Blooper.)

In a way, Chris Bosh is a hero because he played a significant amount of minutes with a strain in his abdomen. Who would have figured!

The purpose of this post was to pay homage to Onion News Network! I hope I did them justice!

@PeteTeix617

Troubling Commercial

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

There are several commercials that are troubling, but recently I saw one that caused me to shake my head. It’s an Audi ad.

In the commercial, drivers of other high-end vehicles spot a car transporter that is full of different Audi vehicles. One guy climbs out of his BMW’s sunroof in order to jump onto the transporter and sit inside of an Audi. Several other commuters follow suit.

NICE

     The ad is not necessarily effective, but I am not commenting on the marketing quality. The aspect that I find most troubling about the commercial is the disclaimer which appears during the ad. Audi actually warns people from attempting to imitate the actions of the drivers. (It’s ridiculous that companies have to protect themselves from frivolous lawsuits!)

This Transporter

Not This Transporter

     I don’t want to live in a world where an idiot can cause serious injury to him or herself and then file a claim against a company. That being said, I will continue to live in this world because I have no control over such issues.

The way I see it, people who win such law suits should be forced to wear a Navy Letter! “What is a navy letter?” You ask. It’s similar to a scarlet letter; only navy blue instead of scarlet red. The “A” will be changed to an “F” for Frivolous! (Initially, my idea was to force people to have the Navy “F” tattooed to their forehead, but they don’t call me “Peter the Lenient” for nothing!)

     ***MY POSTS ARE NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RECREATE ANY OF MY ENTRIES. SHARING MY IDEAS MAY CAUSE PEOPLE TO ASSUME THAT YOU ARE INDEED INSANE!*** 

@PeteTeix617

Second Chance Sunday {II}

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

This is the most exciting time of the year; IT’S APRIL! (The greatest month!)

If you’re a person who lacks the intelligence to understand the fact that April is the greatest month, keep it to yourself; you don’t want to sound like an idiot! (Seriously!)

Obviously, my first thought was to come up with an April Fools prank for the blog, but after giving the matter much thought, I decided that my ideas may cause more emotional hardship than laughter, so I will err on the side of caution. (Since I’m not sure what is acceptable, what’s the point!)

Let’s do our best to enjoy this wonderful month! After all, we only have 30 days!

Instead of playing a prank on the blog visitors, I decided to find a funny prank and share it with everyone! Be prepared to Laugh Your Asses Off!

Mike Almost Gets Fired!!! (Please do not attempt to recreate the prank!)

In the mean time, I’ll be laughing at this picture!

***THROWBACK POST***

I Just Don’t Get It from December 2nd.

@PeteTeix617

Good Hood, Bad Hood

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Recent events have brought up an important question. ARE HOODIES GOOD?

     In an effort to arrive at a conclusion, I will post various pictures of hoods along with whether or not I feel the hood is good or bad. You can decide for yourselves.

(1)

Darth Maul

BAD

 

(2)

Grim reaper

BAD

 

(3)

Lindsey Lohan

BAD INFLUENCE

 

(4)

Frodo Baggins

GOOD

 

(5)

Obi-Wan Kenobi

GOOD

 

(6)

Baby

GOOD

 

(7)

Little red riding hood

GOOD

 

(8)

Happy Panda Kids

MORE CUTE THAN GOOD

 

(9)

Ku Klux Klan

MORE IGNORANT THAN BAD

 

(10)

Dalai Lama

GOOD

 

(11)

Lady Gaga

WEIRDLY GOOD

 

(12)

Mother Theresa

WAS GOOD

 

(13)

The Pope

INFALLIBLY GOOD

 

(14)

Random Woman

NOTHING BAD ABOUT THIS

 

(15)

Scream

BAD

 

(16)

Jesus

NOT AS GOOD AS TEBOW

 

(17)

Robin Hood

GOOD INTENTIONS

 

(18)

Virgin Mary

GOOD, IF YOU BUY HER RIDICULOUS STORY

 

(19)

Rihanna

BAD HIT

 

(20)

Victoria’s Secret Model

LOOKS GOOD

 

(21)

Whitney Houston

EXPIRED, BUT WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

 

(22)

Bill Belichick

EVIL

 

(23)

Another Victoria’s Secret Model

GOOD GIRL GONE BAD


(24)

Hood Milk

GOOD FOR YOU

 

(25)

Clitoral Hood

MY FAVORITE

 

     Although there were some great examples of good hoods, I conclude that hoods are BAD! (Except for 25)

     Please think for yourselves. Don’t allow my opinion to influence your conclusion.

@PeteTeix617

Laptop Comedy

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

     This is my attempt to create an original stand-up comedy set. I have coined a new phrase; Laptop Comedy. (Laptop Comedy is a set that is written using a laptop and posted on a blog!)

     Originally, planned on creating a full comedy set, but then I realized that I am not even considered an amateur. I can’t just show up on the scene and put together a half hour special; who the hell do I think I am? This is a short set which will determine if I write another one of these posts in the future.  

I HOPE THIS IS ENJOYABLE!

     I will set the mood and make an immediate connection with you by opening up with your favorite song. ***Please play your favorite song now!*** (Do you feel the connection?)

First off, I’d like to thank everyone for taking the time out of their busy workday to read this entry. I hope you find the subject matter to be amusing. Wow, I didn’t even know YOU read this blog. Damn, you are amazing. Oh shit! I can’t believe you have that on. Do you not know that I can see you? (Guys, this last bit was not for you!)

I’m sorry for the delay; I was supposed to write this post a few weeks ago, but I had to take a piss. I was running home and I just couldn’t hold it. I ended up hitting the alley like Daniel Son. (If you are a rap artist, feel free to steal that line!)

There is no way anyone can tell me that Daniel son didn’t smash Ally, in the original Karate Kid.

I hate the fact that I have to say original Karate Kid. I enjoyed the new version, but I’m sick of the remakes. I feel like we are in an age of non-creative people. (Read my post on the matter to enrich your lives! Copy Cats.)

It’s ridiculous when you think about it. We have a group of people who grew up in the 80’s who are flocking to movie theaters to watch films based on their favorite cartoons. No wonder this country is going to shit; there are no more grownups. We lost an entire generation. The new age grandmothers are at the clubs backing that ass up; it’s sickening. Yet, I can’t turn away!

Here’s an obvious fact. Grandparents are not supposed to be in their late 30’s and early 40’s.

It’s crazy, but things are even crazier in Los Angeles. Just the other day, I was in a supermarket and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw this woman who had on my favorite pants; leggings. Her ass was perfect and it got better as I approached. I would post a picture of her ass, but I’m not that guy; I don’t ever bust out the creepy camera phone guy routine.

The weirdest thing happened. As I got closer, she turned to face me and I almost lost my shit. The woman was at least sixty years-old. She was a freaking mutant. A sixty year old with an eighteen year-old body; I’m sure I don’t have to elaborate on her superpowers.

“What the fuck; I almost tried to bag at your old ass.” I screamed out.

Just kidding; I wanted to holla at her, but she turned me down.

“Bitch, Lesbian!”

LA definitely takes some getting used to. Moving out here allows me to understand how someone came up with the concept of cougars. There are many old women who are actually bangable. Not where I’m from. Not In Boston! In Beantown, 80 year-old women actually look 80; some look 90.

Not in LA! Here, they have all the plastic surgery that money can buy and they are hotter than some of the young women. I most certainly get the whole Cougar Town thing. These women worship their plastic surgeons. They’re telling their “god” (If you believe in such nonsense!) thanks but no thanks with the old age thing.

In Boston Cougar Town would have been named “Vomitville or Sag City. How many guys would be looking forward to bagging a Sag City chick? I don’t think that song would be a hit. (Sag City Chicks, Sag Sag City Chicks! Eighties and a nineties chick!)

I know what most of you are thinking. This woman did not have a great ass; it was the pants. YOU WOULD BE WRONG. She had a great ass and the pants had nothing to do with it. I know many people think that magic pants make every woman’s ass look great, but we’ve all seen some examples of leggings-gone-wrong!

No my friends, this woman was the real deal. I’m almost HIV positive that she was a palates instructor, or a senior citizen fitness center staff member, or a freaking decathlete who runs marathons in her spare time. In a word, she was FIT!

I would like to apologize for spending the lion’s share of this post on an old lady’s ass. I couldn’t help it; this thing actually happened. I just talk about my experiences.

That’s all for this comedy bit. Hopefully, it was entertaining.

Until next time!

@PeteTeix617

This Actually Happened – March 24th, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

One Minor Step In The Right Direction

Earlier this week, I mentioned the discovery of a great Chinese takeout establishment. We returned on Friday to sample some more of the good stuff, and boy was it good. When we finished ordering, the woman asked us for our autographs. Did we get discovered? NO! We each used our debit cards and the woman needed our signatures in order to complete the transaction. Personally, I thought her quirky way of asking for our signatures was simply wonderful. We didn’t make it, yet, but we are well on our way! By the way, if you were wondering, I paid attention to the restaurants’ name; it’s called Good China! That transaction receipt is going to be worth more than the woman can imagine! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

I will be tuned-in to the NCAA tourney this weekend. I will only be a fan, because my bracket is probably the worst ever. If you made some great picks, congrats!

GO CELTICS!!!

@PeteTeix617