Category Archives: afterlife

Five Years Of Reminiscence

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

     Some of you may have noticed the number seven followed a date, at the end of yesterday’s post. The dedication was for my deceased cousin, Kevin, who died on the same date, five years ago; 12/8/06. To read about his tragic accident click the link: Kevin Fidalgo. (Here is the link to the other article:http://www.wickedlocal.com/cambridge/local_news/x1785630283#axzz1g157B4nY)

No one knows what actually happens after death, but there is one certainty; the person continues to live inside of the memories of others. I am an atheist and I highly doubt there is an afterlife, but I hope I am wrong; it would be nice to experience another realm. (For my thoughts on the afterlife, read my post: Where Are All The Dead People, My Conversation With Kevin, Unconventional Endings¸ and Are Ghosts Real.)

Traditionally, I visit my cousin’s grave at least twice a year; once on December 8th and once on June 23rd, his birthday. Since his accident, I spoke with Kevin on a nightly basis; always asking for him to watch over us. This year, once I became an atheist, the routine changed. I no longer wasted my time praying to the dead and a nonexistent “god.” I decided to keep Kevin in my memories and do my best to carry on his passion for living. Although he is dead, he is always with us, because we talk about him, constantly.

I decided to drive to the cemetery, yesterday. When I arrived, the area was empty. There was no eerie feeling or unexplained occurrences. I stepped out of the car and I felt a tad bit silly. I walked to his grave and simply observed. Part of me wanted to have a life changing experience, but I honestly felt like I was looking at a piece of superbly carved stone; nothing more. I didn’t feel the need to talk to Kevin, since he is dead and can’t hear me, so I decided to walk around and I visited the graves of other family members. My journey to the mysterious portal to the afterlife only lasted about fifteen minutes.

I’ll probably visit the gravestone again, in the future, but it will be more about ritual than making a connection. In no way am I trying to discourage people from believing life after death; feel free to talk to your loved ones. I just believe that my way of thinking is better because I keep my cousin’s memory with me every day, instead of waiting to meet in an afterlife which more than likely does not exist.

If you are still out there, Kevin; send me a sign. Write something in the comment section for this post. **I doubt he’ll write anything, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed!**

P.S. Don’t be a dick naughty person and create a fake profile named Kevin, just so you can write some asinine comment; YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT!!!

@PeteTeix617

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Unconventional Endings

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I’ll save my review of Lee Strobel’s book for next week. (Who knows? Maybe I’ll become a believer!)

     Sometimes, I get weird thoughts which give me endless hours of enjoyment. A few days ago, I came up with a concept for different scenarios which I thought would be funny, or just plain horrible. In each of these instances, I will write what I think would happen if there was an afterlife. There is one catch. Each person who dies, must remain in whatever state they were buried, and the spirit which remains has absolutely no powers. (No, people who are cremated will not feel pain during the cremation process! Once someone is dead, they are incapable of feeling any physical pain.)

After the description, I will write what each person says. Due to the fact that no one actually knows what happens once people die, these might actually be real occurrences. At the end, I will write my burial ritual request. (You might want to plan your funeral accordingly!)

Case 1:

This case involves a militant Islamic fellow whose life mission was to become a martyr. His motivation was to serve his “god.” (I’m not a betting man, but I’m sure the 72 virgins also factored into the decision making process!)

Martyr: “Wow! That was a loud explosion. Where the hell am I? Am I dead? I guess I know where Mecca is by the direction my head is facing, but what good does that do me; I am stuck in this coffin and can’t see a thing. Isn’t this a bitch? Where the HELL is Allah and all my freaking virgins? This can’t be it; this has to be some kind of joke.”

Ten years later.

Martyr: “Damn, I think this is it. What a waste of life. I wish I could go back and apologize to all the innocent people who I killed. Oh well!”

Case 2:

I will now discuss the death of a virgin. She really paid attention in Sunday school when the nun was discussing the church’s policy of no sex before marriage. She never found true love, therefore, never had any sexual experiences. (Not even a blowie!)

Virgin: “Where are you ‘god?’ I am ready to be with you for all eternity. Hello! Is anyone there? Why can’t I see anything? Where the HELL is everyone? If I spent my entire life being chaste, and I don’t get any reward, I am going to kill someone. Wait, I can’t kill anyone, I’m stuck in a freaking coffin for the rest of eternity. Why didn’t I just listen to the little voice inside my head and have sex? I’m a freaking idiot!”

Ten years later.

Virgin: “Why didn’t I just have sex? I’m such an idiot!”

Case 3:

In a tragic accident, a thrill seeker jumped out of a plane with a parachute that malfunctioned. His lawyer advised the daredevil to write out his will a year prior to the jump. His only request was to have his body cremated and his ashes scattered over the Grand Canyon. (He died doing something he loved!)

Skydiver: “I can’t believe I get to spend an eternity in the Grand Canyon; too bad for all those religious people who are stuck in a box in the ground. I guess I didn’t end up in HELL! This place is amazing. Thank goodness I didn’t ask to be buried in a cemetery. I can’t believe I can fly! Did someone say something? Hello!”

Spirit: “Hello.”

Skydiver: “Who are you?”

Spirit: “My name is Running Cloud. My entire family was massacred by the American government soldiers. Our bodies were thrown over the cliff and we’ve been living in this beautiful canyon ever since.”

Skydiver: “What happened to your family was horrible, but at least you will spend the rest of eternity in this wonderful place.”

Running Cloud: “Come with me. I will introduce you to the others.”

Ten years later.

Skydiver: “When I was alive and I pictures Heaven, I never could have imagined this. Thank goodness there aren’t any boring people singing hymns or any ‘god’ to tell me what to do.”

Case 4:

The matriarch of a large family died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 96. She lived with her eldest son, but her final wish was to have her body cremated and for her ashes to be placed in an urn over the mantle of her beach house on Martha’s Vineyard. The entire family made the trip down from Boston to witness the placement of “Nana’s” final resting place. (She loved her family above anything else!)

Nana: “Hello! Can anyone hear me? I know all of you are out there. Bill, let me out of this urn; it’s HELL in here. HELLO! Please, somebody help me. I can’t believe they can’t hear me. I guess it’s not that bad; I’ll get to listen to my family members enjoy their time in this beautiful house.”

Ten years later.

Nana: “Help! I know you can hear me. Hey Tommy, throw your baseball over here and knock over this urn. C’mon; do it for your Nana!”

Case 5:

A sailor loved the ocean and hoped to one day navigate sail across the Atlantic, from the United States to his native country, England. Everyone told him he couldn’t make it, but he was determined. Along the voyage, he encountered rough seas which overturned his boat. He was a strong swimmer, but the waves proved too challenging and he eventually drowned.

Sailor: “It’s finally over; I can’t believe I survived. Wait a second, where the HELL am I? Is that the Titanic? Oh my goodness; I’m under the ocean. This is amazing; I get to spend the rest of eternity swimming in the ocean and living amongst the fish! I’ll never get tired of this! How lucky am I?”

Spirit: “Hello, my name is Captain Edward john Smith; I was the Captain of the Titanic. Allow me to welcome you to our underwater adventure land. I’ll introduce you to some of the girls; they’ll be happy to show you around.”

Sailor: “I think I’m going to like it here!”

Ten years later.

Sailor: “There is still so much more to SEA!”

You get the picture; there is a possibility that billions of people are stuck underground in their coffins. I am not going out like that! I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered inside Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Obviously, this will have to be a secret mission for the family member who loves me the most! I can think of nothing better than watching the Gators play every single home game for an eternity! Anything else, would probably be HELL! (Just in case, I plan on leaving behind a million dollars to any hot woman, who agrees to have her body cremated so her ashes can be scattered inside the Swamp, as well! It might get lonely in there!)

For my thoughts on death, read the previous post: Where Are All The Dead People.

@PeteTeix617

A Conversation With Kevin

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

*This is an actual account of events that happened last night. This post was written and saved into my drafts. I experienced every detail during a blackout episode. (No, I wasn’t drinking, ASSHOLE!) When I came to, the post was finished but for some reason, I can add to the piece only; I can’t make any editorial changes. (I definitely wanted to make some edits!) CRAZIEST EXPERIENCE EVER!!!

[I am in my room, I’m not alone.]

Female Companion: “It’s ok…that happens to most guys!”

Me: “I swear this never happens!”

Female Companion: “Ok, I guess I’m going to takeoff now. Are you about to go to sleep?”

Me: “No! I’ll probably watch the Gators game.”

Female Companion: “I didn’t know they played this late.”

Me: “They don’t, I have the game recorded on my DVR.”

Female Companion: “Damn, I guess you really are a fan.”

Me: “Yeah, text me when you get home.”

Female Companion: “OK, I will.”

[I get dressed, walk her out, then return to my room and sit on the couch. She goes off to some other guy’s house!]

I turn on the television and watch the Gators dominate! (I honestly record most of the Gators’ games on my DVR and watch them whenever I am bored! GO GATORS!) The Gators are leading by a score of 28-0. Starting quarterback John Brantley is marching the offense towards another touchdown when, suddenly, the DirecTV box shuts-off and I am left to watch a blank screen.

Me: “No fucking way! It’s not even raining. If this box starts malfunctioning like the Comcast box, I’m going to…”

[The light begins to turn on and off. It’s as if someone is deliberately playing with the switch, but I am alone.]

Me: “What the hell is going on?”

[I hear a familiar laughter from my past.]

Me: [Scared out of my mind.] “Is that really you?”

Voice: “Yes, it’s me, Fanta.”

Me: “Is this real…what the heck are YOU doing here?”

Voice: “I’m just playing, it’s me!” [Kevin appears. He is laughing hysterically! For some reason, even though he is a ghost, I don’t feel any sense of fear!]

Me: [Laughing] “Dude, you’re an idiot!” [I fold my arms and stare him in the eyes.] “Really? This is how you’re going to show up?”

Kevin: [Standing before me in a speedo.] “What? I’ve been working out.”

Me: “C’mon man, get the fuck out of here with that shit!”

Kevin: [Laughs and switches to more presentable clothing.] “Damn, still in love! You have to let her go man!” [Laughs]

Me: “Yo, you’re dead! When are you going to let that Fanta story go?”

Kevin: “Never!”

Me: [Shaking my head.] “Some people never grow up! This is weird. Were you here the whole night? Were you spying on me while I was smashing? That’s creepy! ”

Kevin: “NO! I just got here. You didn’t think I was going to let that Gators’ game play? Florida’s wack.”

Me: “Notre Dame FUCKING SUCKS! You sure you aren’t a dead peeping Tom? I can swear I heard some creep whisper, ‘give her a stroke for me.’”

Kevin: “Your dumb. Who was that…your girl?”

Me: “Na man.”

Kevin: “It’s cool, you can claim her. Who lives here now?”

Me: “Me, Dough, and G. D-I-X is done. This is where the magic happens!”

Kevin: “Yeah right. What’s good with you and your wifey who just left?”

Me: “No wifey. I’m just chilling right now. No time for a girl—I’m on my paper chase. Plus, we’re off to LA in January.”

Kevin: “Who?”

Me: “I’m going with E and cousin C.”

Kevin: [Laughs…he can barely control himself.] “Cousin C! What’s good with him?”

Me: “He’s chillin’. Just working and getting ready to make this move.”

Kevin: “The three of you guys? Talk about no buns!”

Me: “Yeah aight!”

Kevin: “That’s good J’s around. LA huh? That’s ill. Hold on a second.” [He looks around the bedroom.] “Where is the condom wrapper?”

Me: “Yeah, where did that thing go?”

Kevin: “Raw-dawg! You’re trying to have a baby?”

Me: “Hell NO! And I’m definitely not taking any shit from the raw-dawg king.”

Kevin: “That’s an allegation…I always strapped up.”

Me: “Yeah, me too! But for real, I try not to use condoms for two reasons. One, the Pope is against the use of condoms and, two, I love the environment and I know how much damage can be caused by latex!”

Kevin: “You’re dumb. Anyone slip up and have kids?”

Me: “Slip up? You’re an asshole. Children are wonderful and the parents should feel lucky to bring them into this world.”

Kevin: “My fault.” [We laugh.]

Me: Yeah, there are a bunch of kids out here. Go haunt someone else and find out. From the male cousins it’s only Zep, Dough, and D; D is the only one with a boy!”

Kevin: “Yeah? Dudes don’t wanna strap up. Huh? Zep and Dough have girls…I hope they got the shotgun ready?”

Me: “I hope so. You know we don’t take care of your kids, right?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Allegations, allegations!”

Me: “What’s good with death? Do you get to mash out a bunch of smuts?”

Kevin: “Nah, this body isn’t real. When we come back to earth we can appear as our old selves, but we don’t exist in the physical form.”

Me: “So you’re just a mind floating around?”

Kevin: “Yeah, basically.”

Me: “Is there a heaven and hell with god and the devil?”

Kevin: “Yeah. God was going to send me to hell, but I convinced him to let me go to heaven. He said I need someone to vouch for me so, for now, I have to stay in purgatory. Then when Nel dies, I can get him to hook me up!”

Me: [Laugh] “Are you fucking with me?”

Kevin: “For real. We sat there and reviewed my life. I had to explain everything.”

Me: “So how did you come here, if you’re waiting for Nel?”

Kevin: “Na, I’m just joking. There is no heaven of hell—no god or devil.”

Me: [Laugh] “Damn, I was about to go tell Nel to hurry up cause you’re waiting on him. So what happens when you die? I know you can’t help out ND, cause they suck ass!”

Kevin: “Yeah, I thought god would help ND win. If I knew there was no god, I would’ve picked a different team!”

Me: [Banging my index finger against my palm.] “You see this…see the stars? 25 all-Americans!” [He Laughs] “What really happens?”

Kevin: “Once you die, your spirit leaves your body, but no one runs the afterlife. Everyone is free, but we have no bodies. The people who have been around the longest are always around to help out with info, but no one knows everything. There are almost an infinite number of planets and we can go to any just by thinking about it. Since we are just minds, the travel is basically instant. It’s hard to enter a planet that has aliens because you can only enter with someone who is from the planet.”

Me: “So there are aliens?”

Kevin: “Yeah. I don’t come to earth cause it’s not easy. I have to be invited by a psychic or I can come with someone else who is invited. That’s how I came; one of my boys was called by his sister.”

Me: “What about all the people we know that died?”

Kevin: “They’re straight. No suffering after death. We all have a connection because we knew each other, so we can always meet up.”

Me: “So you can communicate with them whenever you want?”

Kevin: “Yeah, it’s easy. Usually I just travel from planet to planet and try and meet someone who can let me in so I can see how aliens live. We can enter any planet without life, so whenever I feel like remembering the past, I’ll go to one and see the memories.”

Me: “Can you actually see what happened?”

Kevin: “Yeah. You can relive the whole experience; it’s crazy. I can watch everything I did during my life, and if I meet up with someone I know, we can connect minds and I can share their memories. It’s almost like letting someone borrow a dvd.”

Me: “Let’s get back to the smashing. You’re telling me there is no sex in the champagne room?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “No, we can’t have sex, but you can connect with a chick and see her past; it’s better than you think!”

Me: “So let me get this straight. You died in 2006, right?”

Kevin: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s 2011. So what you’re telling me is, you didn’t get any ass for the past five years!”

Kevin: [Laughs] “C’mon man, no one can smash.”

Me: [I laugh so much, I literally roll on the ground.] “YOU GET NO ASS!!!”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Na, I meet chicks. I’ve seen some crazy stuff.”

Me: “Damn. I can’t believe you died and went to the Friend Zone. You’re actually trying to tell me that you meet chicks and watch some other dude bang them out? Sounds like fun.”

Kevin: [laughs] “You get no ass!”

Me: “I smell like pussy right now. My fault, you forgot what it smells like.”

Kevin: “Chill, Chill.”

Me: “Damn, that’s crazy though. What happens to the people who never had sex?”

Kevin: “They’ll never be able to experience it.”

Me: “It must suck to follow the laws of a god that doesn’t exist, and then find out that you did it all for nothing. I guess you were right…People need to live it up, because our memories will stay with us for eternity.”

Kevin: “Yeah, it’s crazy. Some people have boring lives and they just hang around earth, too scared to leave and explore. They are the ones who do all the haunting. It usually takes a psychic to get them to leave earth.”

Me: “You know what I always wonder about? You can see earth from space right?”

Kevin: “Yeah.”

Me: “Does my dick block the view?”

Kevin: [Laughs] “Yeah right.”

Me: “You can keep it real with me!” [We laugh.] “This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m talking to you.”

Kevin: “What you missed me?”

Me: “Na man, I’m like David Ortiz with a hanging curve ball…I don’t miss.”

Kevin: “What’s good with my little sis?”

Me: “Aw man, she’s fucking up!”

Kevin: “For real?”

Me: “Na, I’m fucking with you. She’s good. In fact, she replaced you…we don’t need you anymore. You know what? I don’t know why I never thought of this before—From now on, I’ll take out my anti Notre Dame comments on her!”

Kevin: “That’s good; I have to go check on everyone else.”

Me: “How long can you stay?”

Kevin: “It’s up to me but, honestly, I just wanted to check in real quick. I can catch up with everyone in the future; there’s a whole new world.”

Me: “That’s great Aladdin! I guess that makes sense.”

Kevin: “What’s good with a cruise, did you hit one up yet?”

Me: “Not yet, but I’ll go soon.”

Kevin: “You’re slacking. Did you ever end up going on a better trip than the Jamaica one?”

Me: “Hell no! That was classic. Remember the chick from Worcester?”

Kevin: “Of course. She was a Kel seven! What’s good with the Peter Parkas?”

Me: [Laugh] “There are no parkas! You know I’m going to write about this convo, so we shouldn’t keep talking about Jamaica.”

Kevin: “Damn, I hate talking to people who are on lock!”

Me: “Definitely not on lock…just trying to be respectful.”

Kevin: “”What’s good with Latin…still spanking English?”

Me: “Yeah, we killed them this year. 54-12. Coach Mac had the team kneeling with almost seven minutes to go! Yo, you missed out, your boy Shaq was with the Celtics last year.”

Kevin: “Damn, yo yo yo, shaq is big!” [We laugh.]

Me: “Yo, we still have to discuss Tebow, the two national championships, and ND’s championship drought.”

Kevin: “Yo, I’m out. Bag Up!”

[He disappears.]

Me: “This fucking guy!” [Shaking my head.]

[The End]

*Ok, so I fibbed. This is not an actual account. This is one of the many possible scenarios for the afterlife. No one can know exactly what happens!

For those who don’t know, Fanta is the name of a girl who attended elementary school with me. One day, we were in the kitchen drinking a bottle of Fanta soda and I mentioned this fact. Since then, there has been an inside joke that I was in love with her!

Kevin was the best of us! Instead of wasting time missing him, I like to think about past events and how much fun we had together. Old habits are hard to break; in the past, every time something negative happened to Notre Dame, I would call him and we’d have a brief conversation! I still reach for the phone whenever something negative happens to Notre Dame. Some people have the ability to affect your life more than you can imagine! We strive everyday to live up to the standard that he set. Each day, I can hear his voice challenging me to do something amazing. I’m Trying!

If there is a future meeting with Kevin, I look forward to continuing the conversation. We really need to talk about Tebow!

Notre Dame SUCKS! GO GATORS!!!

@PeteTeix617

The Revelation 3D

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

**********************3D Glasses Are Not Required**********************

[Our story continues from area 4181979.]

I meet Ackley, Cristoforo, and Rodrigo in the secret room. Everyone is re-energized. The tactic meeting is quick. Ackley is the most optimistic, but we all believe the strategy is solid. It is up to me to apply the game plan.

Ackley: “Be brave!”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator will not fail us!”

Rodrigo: “Remember the details! The twins are waiting for your arrival.”

Me: “I understand the responsibility that has been entrusted to me. I will not let disappoint the members of the FPB!”

[I leave and teleport to the VIP Lounge.]

Inside, I find Lu sitting alone.

Me: “Where is G?”

Devil: “He’ll be here shortly, he has to deal with some unrest in the Good Place.”

Me: “Unrest? Big brother always has to take care of business. What happened?”

Devil: “Well, there was a competition between the Christians, Jews, and Muslims. It was called Heaven Idol. There were three groups, varying in number, representing each faith. Obviously, it was a battle of the hymns. The Muslim team number 2, won with their powerful entry, Allah Holla! G is there trying to explain to the Jews and Christians that a hip hop hymn is allowed. They’ve been combing through the bible, looking for an answer, for a while now.”

Me: “Sounds like good times up there!”

Devil: “When I say boring, I mean boring!”

[We laugh.]

Devil: “Let’s get back to what you were saying earlier.”

Me: “What?”

Devil: “What’s this garbage about the big boss always having to take care of business?”

Me: “What? Everyone knows that you guys are twins, but it’s obvious—G is the big dog! The rest of us talk about it all the time. No one on earth loves you, except for the weirdo-devil-worshippers.”

Devil: “Is that right? You have no idea what you’re talking about…I have the same amount of power as him.”

Me: “I don’t know who has more power, but G has the respect, and he is the top dog. Look at your reputation…you’re the bad guy!”

Devil: “Let me stop this conversation because I don’t want to get angry. We’ll continue talking when G gets here.”

Me: “No problem. I know the big dog will back me up.”

Devil: “Yeah we’ll see about that.”

He was visibly upset. I could have egged him on, but I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his temper. We switched the subject and enjoyed our blue label while waiting for God to arrive.

[In walks God.]

God: “Sorry I wasn’t able to make it here early, I’m sure you heard about the incident. Allah Holla! What you faithful bout ready to give…Dollars Dollars!”

Me: “No problem big dog. I know the boss has to handle his business! Don’t tell me Ja Rule is in the Good Place.”

God: “No, he wouldn’t last a second up there.”

[The Devil stood up, visibly agitated.]

Devil: “I think you need to straighten this kid out and let him know we’re equals and that I’m your partner!”

God: “Junior partner!” *Tony Montana Voice* [He laughed, I laughed. The Devil threw down his crystal glass.] God was stunned!

Me: “Easy there, number two. Calm down!”

God: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Devil: [Yells.] “I’m tired of everyone thinking you’re the boss! When am I going to get my respect?”

God: “What are you talking about? No one said I was the boss.”

Devil: “Then what’s all this junior partner, bullshit?”

God: “I was joking…it’s Scarface, for crying out loud!”

Devil: “I’m tired of the jokes! From this day forth, I’m not taking this shit anymore. I am a boss too!”

Me: “That doesn’t make sense. Oligarchies don’t work. We need a monarchy. One ruler and G is the man for the job. If you don’t want to be number two, I’ll step in and you can be number three.”

[The Devil lunges at me, but God saves me.] {How Ironic!}

God: “Relax! Why are you taking out your anger on him? He has nothing to do with this. Clearly, this is an issue that has been bothering you for a long time.”

Devil: “Sorry Pete. I don’t mean to get carried away, but this is a sensitive issue for me.”

Me: “No problem. Maybe we should just drop the subject until Dr. Phil dies…he can help you work through the resentment!”

[The Devil lunges at me again!] {Thank God! (HA HA!)}

God: “Why do you keep going after him?”

Devil: [Yells.] “Because he’s been fucking with me all day!”

God: “C’mon Lu, it’s Pete—that’s what the kid does.”

Devil: “Don’t tell me to calm down. You’re not the boss of me.”

God: “Just relax.”

Devil: “Tell me to relax one more time and I’ll…”

God: “You’ll what?”

Devil: “Don’t push me.”

Me: “Cause I’m close to the edge.” [God laughs.]

God: “Hey Pete, chill for a little bit. The little girl is about to throw a tantrum.”

[The Devil shoves God up against the wall.]

The wall shakes, and a large white frame, encasing a painting of the sun, crashes to the ground.

God: [Yells out.] “Trustis!”

[I pick up the painting.]

Me: “The sun! C’mon Son!”

Devil: “That’s not the sun, dumbass!”

God: [Yells.] “Why don’t you just tell him everything?”

Devil: “You’re the one yelling out, Trustis! Don’t tell me what to do.”

God: “I’ll say whatever I want!”

[The Devil punches God in the temple.]

Thunder erupts! God lands on the ground, and his body becomes transparent. I get a quick glimpse of a small life form before he returns to his normal state.

Me: “What the hell…”

God: [In a booming voice.] “How dare you punch me! Take this!”

[He punches the Devil in the eye.]

Thunder fills the room. The same exact effect happens when the Devil hits the ground. The twins continue to fight. And each blow reveals more of their true selves, until their strong physiques no longer appear. Standing before me are two matching, two-feet tall, alien beings. Reality sets in and the twins notice that their true identities have been revealed. **This is where the reader gets to add to the story. Describe your own alien. Leave the description in the comment box, or pull out the old typewriter and have at it. Please place the finished copies in my favorite (P.O.) Box!**

God: “Look at what you did.”

Devil: “Me? You’re the idiot who thinks he is better than everyone.”

God: “I told you I was joking—we’re equals. You’re such a baby!”

[The Devil attempts to lunge at God, but I hold out my arm and stop him. He falls to the ground.]

Devil: “OW. What did you do that for?” [He begins to cry.]

Me: “What the hell is going on here? And why are you crying?”

Devil: “Because you hit me, and it hurts.” [Still sobbing.]

Me: “I didn’t hit you, I just extended my arm.”

God: “You gave him the Heisman!”

Me: “Why are you guys so wimpy all of a sudden? What’s a Trustis? And what’s with the weird transformation?”

God: “Well, I guess the cats out of the bag. Let me explain.”

Devil: [Shouts.] “No, nothing is happening until I get an apology. I didn’t do anything and Pete shoved me to the ground.”

[I shake my head.]

Me: “I can’t believe how soft you are being…I’m sorry.”

Devil: “Thank you. Apology…ACCEPTED!”

God: “Like I was saying before, we are what earthlings call, aliens. We are from the opposite end of the Universe. I would tell you the distance, but you wouldn’t be able to comprehend the number of light-years. There are trillions of galaxies in the Universe and ours is the furthest from earth. We arrived on the desolate planet a few millennia after it was formed. We are a fragile people, which is why Lu cried after you violently shoved him.”

[I begin to defend myself, but decide to let the matter go.]

Me: “Again, Lu. I’m sorry about the vicious shove. I don’t know what came over me.”

Devil: “We’re cool. It’s all good.”

God: “Our planet is called Credularous and our people are the Credularians. Trustis is the name of our star. The painting is an original Rembrandt, a reminder of our home.”

Me: “It looks just like the sun. How do I know you didn’t just have him paint the sun?”

Devil: “It actually is a depiction of the sun, Rembrandt never saw Trustis. They look similar so it really doesn’t matter.”

God: “Credularous is located in the Naïvao Solar system. Our Galaxy is named Gullibilitus.”

Me: “So why did you lie about aliens?”

Devil: “Because look at us. We are small and fragile. If everyone knew the truth, we would lose our ability to rule.”

Me: “So, did the two of you create the people on earth?”

God: “No! People evolved through the natural evolutionary process. When we first landed on earth, it was pretty much void of life forms, other than single-celled organisms.”

Devil: “Yeah, it was a great time. Watching bacteria, protists, fungi, and archaea; microorganisms rule!”

Me: “Why did you come to earth if the planet was basically deserted?”

God: “Our mission was not in search of life, we wanted the richest natural resource, and earth is full of it.”

Me: “These Blood Diamonds?” [I point to the wall.]

Devil: “No! Corundum!”

Me: “Corundum? We’re talking about Corundum? You mean to tell me, you traveled all the way across the Universe for Corundum. We’re not even talking about diamonds? We’re talking Corundum? Corundum? Everyone knows diamonds are the hardest minerals on earth. Corundum? I mean I can even understand Rubies or sapphires. But I can’t believe we’re talking about Corundum!”

Devil: “Relax Iverson. Diamonds are too hard. Our technology uses Corundum; it’s the ultimate mineral!”

Me: “Damn! Corundum?”

God: “Yes, Corundum!” (To all the ladies, the guy who gives you a Corundum ring, is indeed a keeper!)

Me: “What about the Fun Place and the Good Place? How do you control their existence and how does the afterlife work?”

God: “The places don’t actually exist. We use Corundum to create a hologram type effect, only far more superior. Everything you see seems real.”

Devil: “When life-forms die, their souls continue to exist. The souls are free to wander the Universe and learn all of the secrets. The ‘Dead’ exist in a different dimension. They can’t make contact with the living, but sometimes there are glitches. We simply keep the ‘dead’ in our ‘afterlife’ by controlling the mind.”

Me: “So you mean to tell me that I am free to travel the Universe and explore?”

God: “Yes!”

Me: “What about all the UFO sightings on earth?”

Devil: “I’d say, about eighty to eighty-five percent of the claims are complete bullshit. The others are real. It turns out that planet earth has the richest reserve of Corundum in the Universe. A great number of Credularians seek out the planet because of the Corundum. As we’ve noted, we are extremely fragile beings so sometimes our crafts crash land and the pilots die. There are government officials throughout the world who are a part of the massive cover-up. Whenever a craft is able to make a safe landing, I go to earth and send the Credularian away.”

Me: “Wow! That’s crazy! How many other life forms are there in the Universe?”

God: “Trillions multiplied by trillions. All types too! We are the most intelligent, so our people spread out to different planets and control the inhabitants by using our Corundum based technology. Part of our #winning strategy are the godly characters which we create. If you had attempted to fight with us when we first met, we could have been seriously injured. We are intelligent, but we lack physical strength. Our method of mind slavery is almost foolproof. We have to take off our hats to you for being able to out smart us. How did you figure out we were lying?”

Devil: “Yeah, it’s an amazing feat. No one has ever even come close to discovering the truth.”

Me: “I would love to take the credit, but I wasn’t alone. There is a secret society named the FPB. The group’s only mission is to uncover the truth. I was recruited because the members believe that I am some sort of Messiah, the Revelator.”

God: “That makes a lot of sense. Who are the members?”

Me: “Rodrigo is the leader and his second in command is Cristoforo. Ackley is also a high ranking member.”

Devil: “Et Tu Rodrigo?”

Me: “This is all unbelievable, but the FPB members are waiting for me to return with the information. Where do we go from here? I can’t turn my back on them.”

Devil: “We think it would be best to keep our secret and join us as the third ruler.”

Me: “That’s a great idea, but I can’t be a double agent. I swore my allegiance to the FPB and I will not abuse their trust. I’ll make a deal with you. I can reveal the truth to the people in the Fun Place, and the two of you can keep possession of the Good Place. Pharaohs, Pharaohs…LET MY PEOPLE GO!”

Devil: “Fuck! The Good Place people are sooooooooooooooooo boring!”

Me: “Don’t think of the current Good Place. Be creative and mix things up! The two of you can keep all the people who you judge to be candidates for the Good Place, but you must release the others.”

God: “That’s a brilliant idea. We accept your offer!”

[I exit the VIP Lounge for the last time!]

I return to area 4181979 and reunite with the guys. They are fascinated by the truth and we decide on the best way to free the others.

Ackley: “I think it will be best for us to reveal the truth, one area at a time.”

Rodrigo: “Agreed!”

Me: “Then it only makes sense to begin with area 1 and work our way out. Let the best people be freed first!”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator has spoken. Let his will be our command!”

[The End!]

********For those of you who witnessed the magic of the 3D technology, thank you for your continued support! ********

For those who were unable to experience the 3D effect, there is a reason. I struggled for several days attempting to figure out how I would be able to make this entry 3D. After searching high and low, I almost gave up. UNTIL…

I remembered a lesson from my past!

I turned to the last person anyone would expect. I turned to “god!” I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. (Dear “god,” good “god,” mighty “god,” good mighty “god.” Please be the good “god” and grant me the ability to make this latest entry a 3D post. Thank you good “god” who I fear!) Miraculously, my prayers were answered. “God” gave me the ability to create the exact 3D effect I begged for.

If you know “god,” you know there is a condition. The effect will only appear to those people who truly believe in my abilities. Only the believer in Peter Teixeira will be worthy enough to witness the greatness of the “lord.” Don’t worry. We are dealing with the “lord” so you know there is an express option. For those of you who are incapable of believing in me, there is a PayPal account set up, which will boost your belief points. The more you give, the better the effect will work!

Through “god,” ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

“’God’ is good. ALL THE TIME!”

@PeteTeix617

Alien Debriefing

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

***If this is your first time on the blog, do not read this entry. ‘Alien Debriefing’ is the fourth installment in a series. The story has been unfolding through the weeks; read the first three entries before continuing with this post.***

Entry 1 = ‘A Conversation With God’

Entry 2 = ‘I Go To Hell’

Entry 3 = ‘The Creation Of The Bible’

I feel refreshed and I teleport to the FPB headquarters located in area 1492. Rodrigo is not there so I speak with Cristoforo.

Cristoforo: “Rodrigo is meeting with the twins. He’ll be here shortly. He told me that you believe you can gain the trust of the big guys.”

Me: “Yes, I feel they will reveal the truth to me.”

Cristoforo: “Rodrigo has always been a believer in the arrival of the ‘Revelator.’ Did he reveal the prophecy of the Revelator?”

Me: “No! I never heard anything about a Revelator.”

Cristoforo: “The Revelator is the one who will reveal the truth. We believe there will come a day when he will arrive in the Fun Place and remove all secrets.”

Me: “Where the hell did you guys come up with that?”

Cristoforo: “From the twins themselves. When Rodrigo first arrived in the Fun Place and accepted the position of personal assistant, he wasn’t adjusted to his new existence and over-exerted himself. No one explained how the fatigue worked. Rodrigo passed out in the VIP Lounge and the twins allowed him to re-energize there. When he came to, he heard Lu talking about the arrival of the Revelator. G was certain that there would be no Revelator, but we have been patiently waiting for his arrival.”

Me: “Sounds interesting. Why do the FPB members believe the twins are lying? Maybe there aren’t any aliens.”

Cristoforo: “No! there are aliens. We have been trying to uncover the truth for centuries, but the twins are quick to change the subject; they are extremely suspicious. I have been trying to get Rodrigo to attempt new methods of attaining information, but he believes in the Revelator. I guess there is no hurry since we have an eternity, but I feel we can at least make an attempt to outsmart the twins.”

Me: “How will Rodrigo know who the Revelator is?”

Cristoforo: “He believes the Revelator has already arrived.”

Me: “That’s great! Is he in the headquarters?”

Cristoforo: “Yes! There are those who believe that you are the Revelator.” (Tell me you saw this coming! Who the Hell wouldn’t make himself the Revelator?)

Me: “How can I be the Revelator? I don’t know any of the information about aliens.”

Cristoforo: “We have discussed that very point and we agree, you are the chosen one; your mission is to attain the knowledge.”

Me: “I don’t think I am the Revelator, but I will do my best to gain the trust of the twins.”

Cristoforo: “That is one of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Rodrigo believes the twins will begin to trust the Revelator and reveal the truth to him, but I disagree. The twins will never reveal such a truth to anyone.”

Me: “Why not? I still don’t understand what the big deal about aliens is. Why all the secrecy?”

Cristoforo: “The people who live in area 51 may be able to explain the reason. Let’s take a trip; Rodrigo will meet us there.”

[I follow Cristoforo to area 51 and we arrive in a dimly lit room.]

Me: “Where the hell are we? I went to area 51 with Rodrigo and this is not it.”

Cristoforo: “This is the second most secretive location in the Fun Place. The twins often visit area 51 so they can monitor the conspiracy theorists. They have a fear that curiosity will lead to revelation. This is Chamber X. it is located in area 4181979. Does that number ring a bell?”

Me: “Yeah, I was born on April 18th, 1979. When was this place built?”

Cristoforo: “It was constructed after Rodrigo learned about the Revelator. He chose the location because of its distance from the VIP Lounge. The twins would never venture out to this area. The people who live in area 51 are the unintelligent conspiracy theorists. The twins have been lulled into a false sense of security, because of the nonsense that they discuss.”

Me: “Wow! So I’m actually the real Revelator?”

Cristoforo: “You have a great responsibility!”

[A man enters the room.]

Cristoforo: “My friend. It is my pleasure to introduce you to the one we have been waiting for.”

Mystery man: [Removes his hood] “Are we going to have some fun this time?”

Me: “What the FUCK! Ricky Martin? He’s in charge of this secret area?”

Cristoforo: [Laughs] “No, I’m just fucking with you again! Great job Ricky. You can leave now.”

Ricky Martin: “Again? I’m sick of being lied to!” [Inaudible singing trails-off]

Me: “Ok, I have to know how he died.”

Cristoforo: “You’ll have to ask the twins about that story; it is not my place to discuss the matter.”

[A man enters the room along with Rodrigo.]

Man: “Welcome to the area for those who seek out the truth! We have been waiting for your arrival. This is a great day! What shall I call you?”

Me: “Peter or Pete is fine.”

Cristoforo: “Pete, this is Ackley. He was the leader of the ancient people who lived in England. He is the architect of Stonehenge. He believed that he could communicate with aliens, but unfortunately he died before the construction was completed.”

Me: “So you’re a druid?”

Ackley: “No, We predated the Druids. We were called the Celtics.”

Me: “Celtics? You mean Bird, the Chief and McHale?”

Ackley: “I don’t mean them. We were a couple years before the big three!”

Me: “I thought the Celtics were pronounced Keltics?”

Ackley: “No! Some pretentious know-it-all in England made that up. We were the Celtics, just like the team. The people in Boston got it right!” (You know I have to give props to the Hub!)

Rodrigo: “Have you explained the role of the Revelator to him?”

Cristoforo: “Yes, he understands what has to be done.”

Me “Tell me about the aliens. Why do you believe the twins are lying?”

Ackley: “We don’t believe the twins are lying; we know! The twins are extremely clever, but there is a weakness. They are careful when holding discussions in the VIP Lounge, but G has a flaw. Whenever he becomes angry, he loses focus. Over the years, we were able to gain some knowledge, but never the entire story. We know the twins have an important reason for keeping the secret. There has to be a connection between their creation and aliens. There are two different beliefs among us. I believe the twins will lose their power over us if we learn their secret. There is no way they would ever disclose the information, willingly. Rodrigo has a different belief.”

Rodrigo: “I believe the twins have a feud with the aliens, which is why they don’t want to discuss the enemies. If they gain your trust, the secret will be revealed to you.”

Me: “I think it’s best if we assume the twins will not reveal the secret to me. I have to agree with Ackley about G’s temper. He had to leave the room during my last visit. I will meet with the twins and do my best to learn as much as I can. We shall not be lied to any longer.”

Rodrigo: “The twins are currently entertaining a guest. I will notify you when they are free. You have been given a wealth of knowledge, so it’s time to relax. Find some companionship and enjoy yourself. When you are fatigued, re-energize and they should be ready to meet with you.”

Cristoforo: “You might want to check out the big concert.”

Me: “Where?”

Cristoforo: “Area 100. That’s where all the concerts are held now. performances used to be located all over, but ever since the arrival of Ol’ Dirty Bastard, things changed.”

Me: “What does ODB have to do with area 100?”

Cristoforo: “Well, it all happened in the VIP Lounge. Ol’ Dirty Bastard was discussing music and he said, ‘You know what I mean? I always keep my concerts one hundred’!”

[We all laugh.]

We leave the meeting and everyone goes their separate ways. I decide to head to area 100. To my surprise, the music is quite enjoyable. The first act I catch is a duet; John Lennon and Tupac. Incredible! Biggie takes the stage and continues to amaze the crowd. The momentum is brought to a screeching halt when the next performer walks in. You guessed it, Ricky Martin, singing Living La Vida Loca. He is quickly removed from the stage after the booing drowns out his microphone. Amy Winehouse regains the audience’s attention, but she only performs one song before leaving the stage. I am summoned backstage while Mozart plays the piano. Sitting on a couch are G, Lu, and Amy Winehouse.

Devil: “Have you been enjoying the performances?”

Me: “Yeah, everyone was…well except for Ricky, it’s been great.”

God: “Amy, I’d like to introduce you to Peter.”

Amy Winehouse: “Hi.”

Me: “Hey, great song. Why didn’t you sing any of the others?”

Amy Winehouse: “Well, I just arrived here so my brain hasn’t completely healed from the drugs. I can’t really remember any of the other songs.” (Yeah, I went there!)

Me: “OH! Nice.”

Devil: “We are about to get out of here, but you should stop by soon.”

Me: “Yes, I’ll talk to Rodrigo and set it up.”

God: “It was great talking to you Amy.” [He gets up and whispers into my ear.] “New arrival my ass. She died three years before you. I think she’s half retarded!”

[We laugh.]

Devil: “Amy, you should hang out with Pete, he can show you around.”

My inner most thoughts, “FUCK!”

Amy Winehouse: “Sure, sounds like a great idea.”

[The twins exit.]

Me: “So, are you enjoying the show?”

Amy Winehouse: “Cut the small talk. Are we gonna fuck?”

Me: “Absolutely Not! I can’t make that point any clearer. I know there are no diseases here in the Fun Place, but I’m not willing to take any chances.”

Amy Winehouse: “Fuck you!”

Me: “No thanks! I’ll see you around.”

I walk around backstage and run into some interesting people…great ending to the concert! (I apologize to those of you who are perverts, I don’t know enough about sex to write an interesting scene. I am of the belief that intercourse is for those who are married. Virgins Rule!)

Fully re-energized I seek out Rodrigo. The meeting with the twins is set up and he reminds me of the mission.

[I enter the VIP Lounge.]

Devil: “How did it go with Amy? She must have been a tomcat in the sack!”

Me: “Do you actually think I would bang Amy Winehouse?”

God: “Sorry we ditched you, but we had to get away from her. I don’t know what we were thinking when we gave her access to the VIP Lounge!”

Me: “It’s cool. Before we talk about anything else, can one of you tell me how Ricky Martin died?”

God: “Why the hell do you want to know that?”

Me: “I ran into him a couple times and he seems weird. He mentioned that he didn’t want to discuss his death.”

Devil: “That guy is weird! There was nothing irregular about his death. He was involved in a car accident. The other driver was texting and Ricky was the only person killed. The media didn’t even make a big deal about it.”

Me: “That’s it? Tell me there’s more!”

Devil: “”No! That guy is so dramatic. I’m seriously considering banning him from the first million areas.”

Me: “If there is a petition, I’ll be the first to sign.”

[We all laugh.]

God: “Sorry about having to leave last time, I get pissed when I hear the bible story.”

Me: “Oh really, I didn’t notice.”

God: [Smirks] “What do you want to discuss today.”

Me: “There is something that I always wondered about. I often hear priests say, they were called to serve the lord. If that is true, why do you call men who are rapists to serve your church?”

God: “I don’t call priests to serve. It’s another aspect of religion that doesn’t make sense. The people who lie about being called are in the Good Place. The rapists decide to become priests because they know they have access to children.”

Me: “Shouldn’t they be punished?”

God: “They are. The ones who rape children are sent to the Holy Meditation chamber. They have to meditate until they achieve maximum knowledge of goodness. The room is completely dark and no sound can be heard. They will know when they have reached the maximum knowledge of goodness when their bodies begin to glow. Hasn’t happened yet!” [He winks.]

Me: “Nice! What about the people who never believed in you, then after a near-death experience they discover your presence?”

God: “Those are the schemers. They figure out that believers are gullible, so they create outlandish tales of struggles with demons. Did you notice they always seem to start their own churches? It’s not about the almighty; it’s the almighty dollar that they follow!”

Me: “I want to talk about aliens. Where does the belief come from? And why do some people believe the bible contains verses about aliens?”

God: “Are you kidding me with that question? Did you not pay attention to the story about how the bible was created. It’s all gibberish. Of course people believe the bible mentions aliens, they interpret that book to mean whatever they want.”

Devil: “Maybe I should explain the aliens, we don’t want him getting upset again.”

[God is annoyed and doesn’t respond.]

Devil: “People believe in aliens because they don’t understand the universe. In the ancient times, people saw meteors and shooting stars and mistook them for aliens. In modern times, people see new secret military crafts and believe they are seeing aliens. It’s all a big misunderstanding.”

Me: “What about the pyramids? G, did the aliens build them?”

God: “NO! There are no aliens. The pyramids were built by the ancient Egyptians. They used slave labor. The conspiracy theorists who want to credit aliens are not knowledgeable. The Egyptians were brilliant people and they had great architects. It really pisses me off when I hear someone give the credit to the aliens. Do you know, the Egyptians were able to provide underground lighting for the pyramids. They would set up a series of mirrors, which were angled perfectly. The light from the sun would travel from mirror to mirror all the way down to the bottom of the pyramids. They didn’t have to use torches. Aliens? Ridiculous! There weren’t even any other aliens on earth back then.”

[The Devil gives his twin a stern look.]

Me: “What?”

God: “The Egyptians built the pyramids.”

Me: “I heard that part. What about the phrase, ‘There weren’t even any other aliens on earth back then’?”

God: “Did I say that? I tend to lose my train of thought when I get angry.”

Devil: “Yeah, he says all types of crazy things.”

Me: “Oh, I understand. So there are no aliens?”

Devil: “No aliens!”

Me: “I actually want to go back to area 100 to listen to some tunes.” [I stand.] “I guess we can continue our conversation during the next visit. I’ll see you guys later.”

I leave and I can hear the twins arguing, but I can’t make out what they are saying. I teleport to area 1492 and meet Rodrigo and Cristoforo at the FPB headquarters. We don’t discuss the meeting with the twins, until heading to area 4181979 to meet Ackley.

[We enter the secret room.]

Ackley: “How was the meeting?”

Me: “Better than we assumed. I was abl/e to get G to break-down. He slipped up and said, ‘There weren’t even any other aliens on earth back then.’ What do you think that statement means”

Ackley: “It’s obvious. We were correct. The twins have a connection with aliens. Either they are aliens, or they have knowledge of alien presence on earth.”

Cristoforo: “I’m pretty sure it means they are, in fact, aliens.”

Rodrigo: “We can’t jump to any conclusions. The truth will be revealed by the Revelator.”

Ackley: “Great job! This is an exciting time for all of us. Let’s allow ourselves some time to think about what we have learned. We must figure out the connection between the twins’ power and aliens. Re-energize and we will meet again.”

Rodrigo: “Yes, that’s the best course of action. We shall figure out the best strategy during our next encounter.” [Everyone leaves.]

[Until Next Time!!!]

@PeteTeix617

I Go To Hell

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

If you recall, I was slowly descending towards the pits of Hell.

I can see the flames, and I have no choice but to come to grips with my fate. All of a sudden, one of the scariest moments happens–the cloud I am standing on begins to evaporate; I believe that I am going to end up in a freefall towards the fiery depths, but a new flooring appears. It takes a few moments, but I finally realize–I am in a hand-basket.

Something extremely weird occurs. I was expecting to feel the heat from the fire, but the temperature fails to change. The flames surround me, but they seem to be fake. There is also a roaring thunder, louder than the one which I heard during the storm that killed me, but the sky remains clear and blue; I am exceedingly confused. I can see a large sign on the blood-stained floor which reads, “Parking reserved for Hell hand-basket! All other vehicles will be towed at owners expense.” My heart sinks when I notice several dogs, from the Resident Evil series, devouring what appears to be a human carcass. The hand-basket touches down directly on the target, and the dogs stop eating. They seem to be intrigued by my arrival and rush towards the landing area. With the ferocity of a hungry great white shark, chasing down a wounded seal, they attack. (Let me take this moment to mention tomorrow’s blog entry, ‘My Obsession With Sharks!’) Thankfully, the wood is reinforced with steel so they can’t reach me, but I remain terrified by the devilishly aggressive barking. “Where’s Michael Vick when you need him?” I wonder. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist) I recognize the loud voice which yells out, “STOP!” It is God, and for an instance, I feel safe.

Did he change his mind? Was this trip in the hand-basket a way of teaching me a lesson? I can’t wait to find out!

The dogs disappear along with the hand-basket. I am a bit apprehensive, but I know that I have to run towards the voice. At that moment, there is only one thought running through my mind; I remember ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’

[I slowly begin to walk]

Me: “The penitent man shall pass. The penitent man shall pass.”

I feel a presence following closely, which causes me to run down the narrow hallway. I avoid the chunks of human flesh and the puddles of blood, with the agility of a hungry African Cheetah chasing after a swift antelope. (How ironic…a former atheist running towards God for safety.) I sprint towards the end of the dimly-lit hallway, and I am shocked to see that God is no longer 6 cubits tall, but a less intimidating 6 feet.

Devil: “I thought you didn’t believe in religion? What’s with the penitent man talk?”

Me: “I just came from Heaven and now I’m in Hell…HELLO!” [He shakes his head] “What happened to you? How come you’re not a giant?”

Devil: “You are confused. I am not who you think I am.”

Me: “Don’t start with that ‘I am that I am’ stuff again.”

Devil: “We’ve actually never met. I am who people refer to as the Devil, but you can call me ‘Lu’.”

Me: “Lu?”

Devil: “Yeah. It’s short for Lucifer. My rap name is Lu Cipher! I spit hot fire, pun intended.”

Me: “Let me guess. You spit that real shit, and not that fake commercial bull that is out–right?”

Devil: “Here we go, my brother told me about you and your comments.”

Me: “What Brother? I know you’re not talking about God.”

Devil: “Follow me and everything will be explained.”

{A massive door opens, leading to a VIP room. Everything inside is white, the leather couches, the walls, the coffee table, the rug, etc. In the center of the space is a large fountain statue of a mermaid. I do a double take when I realize that Lu is already seated on one of the couches. I look back and notice that he is also standing by my side.}

Me: “Is this some kind of magic?”

Devil: “No, that’s my brother. You know him as God.”

[My jaw drops!]

Me: “What the Hell is going on here? Excuse the pun.”

Devil: “Grab a seat and we’ll explain everything.”

God: “How was the trip?” [Laughs]

Me: “It was ok…there was some turbulence, but overall I felt pretty comfortable. It would’ve been nice to have a seat, but I’m not complaining.” [He shakes his head, disapprovingly.] “What’s going on? I’m a little freaked out; why are you not 6 cubits tall? Why is the Devil…I mean Lu, saying that he’s your brother? Why are you in Hell? And more importantly, why is there a big water fountain statue of a mermaid in the middle of the room?”

God: “Calm down. First of all, it’s not water; It’s Johnnie Walker Blue Label.”

Devil: “Grab a cup and see for yourself.”

[I grab a glass and place it under the flowing liquid.]

Me: “Blue? Really! I’d expect, with all of your powers, you guys would be drinking some magical godly drink.”

Devil: “We do; it’s called Blue Label…You didn’t think Johnnie Walker actually created it.”

[I take a sip.]

Me: “Wow…now that’s smooth! Well done my good man. Or shall I say, my bad man!”

Devil: [Shakes head.] “Funny.”

God: “As far as the statue is concerned, we love the movie ‘Splash’.” [Shrugs] “What can I say!”

Me: “Splash? Tom Hanks, Daryl Hannah? This is too crazy!”

God: “Let me explain what’s going on. Well, I can’t explain how we came to exist; only someone who has a vast understanding of Biology would be able to comprehend. In fact, humans won’t discover the truth behind our existence until the year 2234.”

Me: “Wait, so you mean to tell me that humans will actually be able to prove that you exist?”

Devil: “Me too! But they will remain confused until 2079. That’s when the world’s brightest minds will figure out that we are twins, and not adversaries.”

Me: “Twins? That’s insane! What about all the competing for souls that was always preached on Earth, and all of the other teachings from the Bible?”

God: “All a bunch of nonsense!”

Me: “I knew it!”

God: “I have to admit, I enjoyed the conversation that we had earlier, and your ‘Virgin Birth’ post was hilarious; we still go back and read it every now and again. I spoke to my brother and we have decided that you can live in area one, with complete access to the VIP Lounge. Here, we will explain anything that you want clarified. How the Bible came to exist, can be explained during your next visit, but for now, we’ll discuss the basics.”

Me: [Filled with excitement.] “I can’t wait to hear that story.”

(***Be on the look out for ‘The Creation of The Bible.’***)

God: “You have to understand that most of what is preached on earth, is the creation of humans. We don’t bother to control what people do. It was agreed upon, a long time ago, that we would only focus on sending people to the proper afterlife location; humans have freewill.”

Devil: “What would be the point of controlling everyone? We enjoy being surprised by how each individual chooses to live his or her life.”

Me: “I’m glad you guys enjoyed the story. (How could they not!) Let me get this straight. You guys simply wait until people die, and then judge them based on their behavior?”

God: “Not exactly. We don’t really care what people do; it has no bearing on whether we send them to Heaven or Hell.”

Me: “You don’t care? That’s unexpected.”

God: “Heaven and Hell are human creations, and there is no such thing as sin. We simply have the ‘Good Place’ and ‘The Fun Place’.”

Devil: “The Good Place, which humans refer to as Heaven, is boring. The people we send there are the do-gooders. They spend their entire lives believing in my brother and they feel that they will be rewarded, so that’s what we do. I can’t stress this point enough; IT IS A BORING PLACE! All they do is sit around singing hymns and telling Bible stories. And to them it’s Heaven.”

God: “Every now and again, one of us will go up there and say some Bible quote to get them all riled up; it’s so ridiculous how simple they are.”

Me: “So, if he goes by the name Lu, what should I call you?”

God: “Alejandro!”

Me: [I Burst out laughing!] “What? You’re kidding right?”

Devil: “Alejandro? When the Hell did you come up with that?”

God: “No, I’m just kidding. I was people watching and the radio was on. That Lady Gaga song came on, and I can’t get it out of my head. I mean, great song, but I can’t walk around singing some dudes name.”

Me: “I can definitely understand that; I hate when the wrong song gets stuck in my head! [Singing] Don’t call my name, don’t call my name…Roberto.”

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro…it’s been all day; I can’t get the damn thing out of my head.”

Devil: “If you guys get that song stuck in my head, I’m going to be pissed off!”

Me: “It’s better to be pissed off, then pissed on!”

Devil: “Really? That’s so old.”

Me: “Old but good…kind of like your mother!”

Devil: “Do you know what we can do to you?”

Me: “My fault Lu. I didn’t know you were so sensitive. Should we hug it out.”

[Spreads arms out. And his hands turn into balls of fire.]

Devil: “Yeah, come over here. Give me a hug.”

Me: “Na, I’m good.”

God: “Getting back to your question, I actually love it when they call me Big Poppa!”

Me: [Laughing.] “There is no way in Hell, I’m calling you that.”

God: [Laughs] “Na, You can just call me G.”

Me: “Ok, that’s easy enough. What about the flames? Why didn’t they burn me?”

God: “They aren’t real. We just added them so the people in the Good Place will continue to believe that everyone down here is burning for eternity; They’re so gullible.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What about Hell, and all the people who did bad things while on earth?”

Devil: “I’ll take this one. The people who commit horrible atrocities, are sent to the furthest part of the Fun Place. It’s not a bad area, just far from us. They have fun just like everyone else down here, but we just don’t want to be around them; there is no desire to hang with some guy who viciously murdered seven people. We don’t believe in torturing anyone; we’d have to be a couple of psychos to do that. Do you suppose we would create humans, and then torture them because they make a few mistakes? ,

Me: “Nope. That wouldn’t make any sense.”

Devil: “Precisely! We have guardians who keep each area separated. The closer you are to the VIP Lounge, the more access you have in the Fun Place. People are free to move into a different area, but only to an area that is further away from the VIP Lounge; each area is numbered. Area one is the closest to the VIP Lounge, and the higher the number, the further away you will be. Understand?”

Me: “Yeah, it makes perfect sense, but let me make sure I got it right. If you are in area fifty-one, you can move to any area except for areas one through fifty.”

Devil: “Exactly. It’s interesting you mentioned area fifty-one. That’s where all the conspiracy theorists stay. I definitely recommend  checking it out some time; those people come up with the craziest ideas.”

Me: “Speaking of area fifty-one. Are there aliens?”

Devil: “Logically, you would think so, but the answer is no. There are no aliens.”

Me: “What about spirits?”

Devil: “Yeah, I guess. Sometimes, we get crazy people who jump out of the hand-basket. They roam around earth doing all sorts of spooky things.”

Me: “What was the point of making me think I was going to Hell?”

Devil: “This is the Fun Place. We enjoy messing with people!”

ME: “Speaking of messing with people, doesn’t it bother you that you have such a bad reputation?”

Devil: “Yeah, that bothers both of us. I’m one of the coolest people ever, and they make me out to be evil; it sucks!”

Me: “Yeah, they hate you. Lu, I can understand why you’re upset, but G? You have a great rep!”

God: “Did you read the Bible? They make me out to be some jealous narcissist with anger issues, who destroys cities and kills indiscriminately. I don’t know where they come up with that garbage.”

Me: “So you guys understand why I never believed in all that religion crap?”

God: “Of course! That’s why you’re down here. We can’t understand how anyone would ever believe those stories. I mean for god sake, no pun intended, there are two creation stories in the beginning of the Bible. Faith is the biggest crock in the history of the world. It was created by people who weren’t intelligent enough to explain how the world works. I’ll get into more details when we discuss the Bible next time.”

Me: “What are the rules down here?”

Devil: “It’s pretty simple. We already discussed moving to different areas. Everyone who is down here is immortal; there are no injuries or diseases. It’s pretty much a free-for-all. Go wherever you want, and hang with anyone you want.”

Me: “Sex is allowed?”

Devil: “Would it be the Fun Place without sex? It’s the best; no condoms, no diseases and no pregnancies.”

Me: “You mean to tell me, you guys are allowed to have sex?”

Devil: “Who can possibly stop us? If you want to take a vow of celibacy, go right ahead my friend—with all these women down here…I’ll be doing my thing!”

Me: [Laughing.] “You’ll have to excuse me; I don’t know what I was thinking. Before I forget. What happens to all those suicide bombers who believe they will be rewarded with seventy-two virgins?”

Devil: “They get the virgins, but there is no sex in the Champaign room, if you will.”

Me: [Laughing.] “What? You mean to tell me that everyone who is in the Good Place is spending an eternity without sex? What do they do?”

Devil: “Did you not hear me stress the point…IT’S BORING UP THERE!”

God: “Yeah! There’s no sex; they sing all day and go over the Bible. For fun, they watch over family members and judge the ‘bad people’ on earth. They actually cheer when I send someone to ‘Hell.’ You should have heard the loud eruption that happened when you were descending—they definitely weren’t feeling your stories.”

Devil: “You remember the thunder that you heard during the trip here? That wasn’t us—it was the thunderous applause.”

Me: “I was so confused by the thunder—the sky was perfect. Hey G, why did you kill me so dramatically?”

God: “I had to…they were watching and cheering me on! That whole turning myself into a giant thing and quoting the Bible; I have to do it for them.”

[A man walks into the room.]

God: “I would like to introduce you to our assistant and good friend, Rodrigo Borgia.”

Rodrigo: “Hello, it’s great to finally meet you. I enjoyed reading your stories.”

Me: “Pope Alexander the sixth? That’s who you guys chose to be your assistant?”

God: “Yeah, he was one of the first people on earth to understand that the Bible was a bunch of myths. We can’t blame him for using that knowledge to manipulate the people who were less intelligent than he was. In fact, I’d say over ninety percent of the Popes are down here.”

Rodrigo: “Surprised? I’m actually a great guy!

Devil: “Yeah, he’s a fun guy to hang out with. He’s got some great stories.”

Me: “What about all the tales they told about you? Aren’t you the one who…” (Look up Pope Alexander VI. He was a disturbed man to say the least.)

Rodrigo: “Hey, hey. There’s no need to bring up the past. What can I say, I wasn’t perfect!” [Laughs.] “I’m sorry to interrupt, one of you has to go up there.”

God: “Now what?”

Rodrigo: “They’re upset because there is man in America who has been claiming to be Jesus, and he has a pretty large following.”

Me: “That reminds me. What about Jesus?”

God: “We’ll discuss Jesus, when we talk about the Bible.” [I nod my head understandingly.] “You going up this time, Lu?”

Devil: “HELL NO!”

God: “Sorry guys, looks like I have to go deal with this headache.”

Devil: “Sucks to be you!”

[God gets up and leaves.]

God: “Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro!”

[We all laugh.]

Devil: “Follow Rodrigo, he’ll show you around and get you acclimated.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll be back so we can talk about the Bible.”

Devil: “Alright, we’ll see you next time.”

[I exit with Rodrigo.]

Rodrigo: “I’ll show you to your room, then we can go and meet some ladies!”

Me: “Sounds good!”

[Until Next Time!!!]

@PeteTeix617

Where Are All The Dead People

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

“Well, although I do not suppose that either of us knows anything really beautiful and good, I am better off than he is—for he knows nothing, and thinks that he knows. I neither know nor think that I know.” – Socrates, from Plato’s ‘Apology.’

[No, the quote cannot be applied to the belief in “god.” I know he doesn’t exist!]

Death is a taboo and frightening topic. In the past, I was terrified of dying but once I came to grips with the fact that death is out of my control, it became easy to deal with my own inevitable expiration. No one truly knows whether, or not, there is life after death; we are free to believe as we please. One of the most interesting classes I have ever taken was ‘The Anthropology of Death’ with UMass Boston Professor Alan Waters. Studying the different ways cultures handle death, gave me a new perspective on the subject; I no longer fear death. (I’m actually looking forward to discovering what happens. *No, I’m not suicidal!*)

To me, the funeral practices of Christians borders on the ridiculous. (Yeah, I said it.) I don’t understand how people can spend their entire lives believing in “god” and heaven, but as soon as someone dies, it’s the worst thing that ever happened. Reason would dictate that death should be celebrated; the family member is in a better place, RIGHT? They definitely got it right in New Orleans. *I recommend that you, yes you, look up the different ways death is handled throughout the world…AMAZING!*

I don’t want to seem insensitive, but I can only voice my true opinions. (Anyone who knows me understands that I will give my honest opinion, regardless of feelings. I know there are those who think I am a jerk, but I’d rather be an asshole then fake, any day of the week. **I never care about hiding my opinions, which will be evident during next week’s ultra-controversial post.**) I tend to leave emotion out of most circumstances, it serves no purpose other than to cloud judgment. (Unless I’m drunk, but that’s a different story.) I can understand how losing a close relative can be devastating, and life changing, but it is a natural part of life. Obviously, the emotion of the actual funeral is too strong to be denied, and I have even broken down in the past, but I can’t see myself crying on any other day. Spending days, months, or even years, weeping over someone seems nonsensical. If you honestly think about it, people are either, in a better place, or they no longer exist. Wakes should be parties in which family and friends get together and celebrate the memory of the deceased persons’ life. When I die, I want family and friends to throw a party and play nothing but Cash Money Records. If there is no life after death, I won’t be able to witness the bereavement process, and if there is, I will haunt anyone who doesn’t at least listen to one CMR track. Oh yeah…No Mass please; that would just be offensive!!!

I admit that my way of thinking may be the result of me being heartless but I might just be right, and maybe those who oppose my views, do so because they lack reason…you never know! I just can’t see the point of missing someone, dead or alive; people need to learn how to just move on. With my late cousin Kevin, there are times when I am watching Sports Center and I’ll reach for the phone after seeing that Notre Dame suffered a loss in football. That’s not missing someone, it’s simply something that is routine. Like most beliefs, people refuse to change because that’s what they’ve always done. (I understand that some people who have lost loved ones may have a problem with my way of thinking, but I will not change my beliefs to avoid being offensive. In fact, I am offended that people allow emotion to block their ability to use reason. I guess the fact that I am an atheist and my background in History causes me to see the world from a unique perspective. ***Again, this will be evident during next week’s controversial post!***)

Losing a loved one can be a difficult situation to deal with, but everyone has to go through it at some point in their lives. The afterlife differs by culture but, for the most part, people agree that there is some form of an existence after death. I guess these beliefs continue because no one wants to think that they will cease to exist. It is comforting to think that our ancestors are watching over us from some unknown realm, but the more I think about it, the less I am inclined to believe in an afterlife. (Plus, isn’t the thought of ancestors watching over you all the time a little weird. If you say “No,” think about your dead loved ones watching over you the next time you are having sex…that’s creepy. Same thing goes for “god.” He is supposed to be omnipresent, right? To me, that’s perverted; “god” is nothing more than history’s biggest peeping-Tom!)

I previously wrote about my belief in spirits, but I can now understand that the mind is capable of altering our perception of reality; we see and hear exactly what we want to witness. This is not a topic that I am completely certain of because, although I understand that logically there can be no afterlife, part of me still wants to believe that one exists. (I can just picture meeting up with Kevin and boasting about the many accomplishments of former Gator’s quarterback Tim Tebow.)

The more I understand that my previous belief in the afterlife was based on the fear instilled in me by the teachings of the Catholic Church, the more I recognize my beliefs were false and founded on the weakest foundation.  The concept of an afterlife is ingrained in people through religious, and cultural beliefs. The fear of death, causes one to believe in an alternative in which he or she is able to continue living. Mortality is real, and immortality cannot exist; it is unnatural. Generally, most people who believe in life after death do not believe that insects, or plants, share the same fate as humans. I’ve never heard anyone say, after stepping on a spider, “May your spirit be rejoined with your ancestors.” ***That would be ridiculous, right?*** I find it amazing how culture can turn the absurd into fact. Can you just imagine a world without religion? We would all be forced to question conventional thought, instead of simply believing what is told. [I apologize in advance for this tangent, but I’ve always wondered about something. Religious belief usually is passed down from parents. Does anyone ever imagine how their lives would be different if the people who conquered the land which you originate from, belonged to a faith other than yours? I am Cape Verdean, which means that my family is Catholic because the Portuguese colonized the Islands. What would life be like if the Muslim armies were able to conquer CV. Isn’t it amazing that people believe so strongly in a faith that they didn’t even choose? I would be more inclined to respect the faith of someone who studied different religions, before "believing." There is another question which has always fascinated me. How does a woman, strong and independent, agree to believe in a faith which views her as a second class citizen? Funny, the things people learn once they begin to ask questions! Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I will borrow from him and say, the unexamined faith, is not worth believing!]

The brain is a powerful organ which has yet to be fully understood. If our belief in something is strong enough, we can convince ourselves that it is true. The mind will actually create “hallucinations” to validate our desires. People see ghosts and experience unexplainable occurrences, but I believe they are just a figment of the imagination. People will pray for some result, and when the prayer is answered their belief in “god” is strengthened. As far as prayer is concerned, I think there are many instances in which people pray and get zero results; they seem to forget those prayers, or they explain them away with ridiculous claims such as, “it’s not ‘god’s’ will.” I think that anyone who believes in "god" will actually be affected by that belief; it has the ability to change their lives, but that doesn't mean he actually exists. The mind is great!

 

     When I studied Haitian Vodun (voodoo), I learned that the people of the culture are truly affected by the practice. It works because Haitians believe in Vodun, and scientists cannot explain the phenomena. Victims will go into trances and can be controlled by others; it's basically a form of hypnosis. All of these unexplainable cases have to do with the mind not "god." When humans reach a point that we have a better understanding of how the mind works, "god" will no longer exist; there will be no fear of the unknown.

 

     I have had many occasions in which I blackout after drinking too much. People tell me all of the things that I did, and at the time they were under the impression that I was coherent, but I clearly wasn't. I think there has to be some correlation between belief and mind stimulation; people can trigger the part of the brain that alters perception. This is evident in the cases of stigmata, which happens to people who are ultra religious. They believe in Jesus with so much conviction that they experience what they want. The brain's power over the body is far greater than we can comprehend. A hundred years from now, humans will have a better understanding of how the brain works.


Sometimes people can hear and see things that are not there. I know that those of us who come to rely on our cell phones, tend to hear the phone ringing whenever we leave the room. Or we hear the ringer, even with the phone at our side; it has to do the fact that people judge their level of importance, by the number of calls they receive. I can remember being a child and often hearing my mother yelling my name, when I knew she was at work. There are also the occasions in which I think I see something but, when I look again, it disappears. It is easy to misconstrue these instances as proof of a spiritual existence, but the fact remains that they are simply the result of the mind creating exactly what an individual wants to experience.

I hope dead people continue living in another capacity, but I honestly doubt it!

@PeteTeix617

A Conversation With God

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I know what you’re thinking. How can I have a conversation with God, if I declared myself an atheist? Have I changed my mind? Did I get a vision during the night? NO! I am still an atheist but, after several comments about my imminent trip to hell, I decided to write about what would actually happen if the “God-fearing” people are indeed correct.

**In no way do I question the fact that “god” doesn’t exist! This post is entirely facetious.**

Here we go: That awkward moment when an atheist realizes that there is a God. Yikes!

The year is 2014. It’s September 26th, I am at an all time high because I just returned from my trip to Brazil to watch the host nation win it’s record sixth World Cup. It’s a significant day, the fifth year anniversary of my car accident. I sit down in front of the computer and proceed to write my reflection of the tragic event – the piece is amazing. (Humble, I know.) I prepare to post the finished product, but I am startled. Out of nowhere, thunder begins to roar in the sky. I quickly run to the window and lift the blinds; I marvel at the site. People seem to be losing their minds, running recklessly, trying to escape the massive lightening bolts which continue to strike the city. Cars are destroyed, trees are split in half, and telephone poles are knocked down; it’s pandemonium. For some unexplainable reason, I feel the need to have an unobstructed view of the sky; I climb on the roof. The thunder roars louder and the crackling lightning bolts strike closer. The only explanation I can think of is, Mother Nature must be on her period. (Honestly. That is exactly what I will think!)

In a dramatic show of defiance, I yell out, “come and get me ‘god!’ I do not fear thee. For I am your equal.”

Instantly, the sun zigzags in the sky. “This must be what Lucia, Jacinta, Francisco, and the people of Fatima, Portugal must have seen while standing in the field near Cova da Iria in 1917. This is my Miracle of the Sun.” I assume.

The sun moves closer, but I can’t feel the heat. I do my best to look away, but my eyes are fixed on the center. Slowly, a face begins to appear. I can see the mouth begin to move, and I hear a strong authoritative voice, “As the dog returns to his vomit, so the fool repeats his folly.”

I don’t even have a moment to take in the words. A massive lightning bolt, larger than any other that has been witnessed on earth, strikes me directly on the chest. There is nothing left of me…I no longer inhabit this realm. {You didn’t really think I was going to write about my death and not make it EPIC, did you?}

An incalculable amount of time elapses. I find myself, completely intact, standing on what I can only ascertain to be a nimbus cloud. There, directly in front of  me, is a giant. I roughly gauge his height to be six cubits, and he looks like he is obviously on the juice…and I don’t mean Natraburst! (The world’s best and most natural super foods blend!)

[I stare into his eyes.]

Me: “Who are you?”

God: “Come no nearer! Remove the sandals from your feet, for the place where you stand is holy ground.”

[I look down.]

Me: “What the heck. Sandals? What happened to the Jordans I had on?”  (Shameless plug #2. Hey Mike, if this blog grows a massive readership, I want to get PAID!)

[I look back up.]

Me: “And why are you quoting from Exodus 3-5? This is some freaky shit! First, the sun quotes from Proverbs 26-11, then, I meet a Giant who is also quoting from the Bible?”

God: “Quiet you imbecile! I am that I am.”

Me: “WHAT?”

God: “What don’t you understand? I’m God, you fool!”

Me: “God? Oh! You look taller in person.” [I can’t keep a straight face; he grows even more agitated, but I press on.] “Why didn’t You just say that? *Mocking God* I am that I am…what’s all that about?”

God: “You are already headed to Hell. Do you think it is wise to mock me?”

Me: “I’m going to Hell? What the Hell? What did I ever do to You?”

God: “Is that a serious question?”

Me: “Why do You keep asking me a questions? Shouldn’t you already know the answers…I thought you were all knowing?”

God: “I allow people to have free will. You make the choices and I will make the judgments. The fool’s mouth is his ruin; his lips are a snare to his life.”

Me: “Ok, You definitely need to come up with new material; that’s Proverbs 18-7. And why do You keep calling me a fool? Do You want to go to Hell with me? Need I remind His Highness of what you said in Matthew 5-22? ‘…And whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna’.”

God: “Clever! You’re laughing now but, he who laughs last–laughs best.”

Me: “That’s not from the Bible.”

God: “But I did invent it. It is I who is the inventor of all.”

Me: “What is all this, anyways? Why am I here? I thought I was going to Hell?”

God: “Oh, but you are my child! Before I send people to Hell, I like to converse with them.”

Me: “This is messed up! If I’m your child, why are you sending me to Hell? Can’t I go to my room, or be on timeout or something?”

God: “It is too late for forgiveness. I have already made my decision. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.”

Me: ”Really? You’re seriously going to quote Ramsey’s the second from the movie ‘The Ten Commandments?’ He wasn’t on your side, he was against Moses, remember?”

God: “Well, my good friend Charlton Heston is here and he always shivers when he hears me say that line.”

Me: “Hold on. If you have a sense of humor, why am I going to Hell? Didn’t you find some of the material funny? You have to admit, that Virgin Birth was hilarious.”

God: “Let me see. *tapping his index finger on his jaw and looking off to the left* You created a story in which Mary, the virgin-woman who I personally chose to be the mother of my son, is a common whore. I wonder why I don’t see the humor in that?”

Me: “Ok, I get it – you were pissed. Fine, send me to Hell; I don’t even care.”

God: “Before you go, I want you to answer me this? Why would someone who knows so much about the Bible, decide to be an atheist?”

Me: “Did you read that book? C’mon!” *Shrugs shoulder* “Why would you give me the ability to learn so much about the contradictions in the Bible, and the fallacies of the church, then expect me to still believe? You entrapped me, if you really think about it; isn’t that illegal or something?”

God: “I’ll look into it.” *a piece of parchment appears in his right hand, and a fountain pen in his left. He writes down some notes, then crumbles up the sheepskin and tosses it into a campfire which also appears.*

[I shake my head]

God: “You grew up in an extremely religious family; I gave you all of the opportunities to succeed, but you decided to leave the church. Why?”

Me: “Because you gave me the ability to use logic; how was I supposed to believe in your existence? There are people who grow up in remote jungles all over the world and they have zero ability to learn about you; how are they supposed to get into Heaven?”

God: “Easy…they’re not! The people who grow up in remote jungles are the one’s who commit unimaginable atrocities while they are on earth, yet stand before me and beg for forgiveness. In an effort to show mercy, I give them a second chance to gain entrance into Heaven.”

Me: “That’s cold, but I guess I understand now. But wait! What about all of the missionaries who risk their lives to teach the native people about the ‘Word of the Lord;’ doesn’t that ruin your plan?”

God: “Yes! Indeed it does. Those missionaries are always sent to Hell. Well, almost…I’m not going to send Tim Tebow to Hell!”

[I laugh]

Me: “Of course not! Everyone on earth knows Tebow is coming up here.”

God: “Yeah, St Peter is getting tired of being the gatekeeper; we’re just waiting for Tebow to come and replace him.”

Me: “Makes sense. I must say, you make it so difficult to get into Heaven. That’s one thing I’ve always wanted to ask…does the devil win most of the souls from earth?”

God: “Basically…it’s about 90-10.”

Me: “90-10? Wow! I knew it was bad, but I didn’t think it was that bad. So all of those people who went to church every Sunday and judged me for being an atheist, yet, lived ungodly lives…HELL?”

God: “Do you even have to ask?”

ME: “I guess I can at least take solace in that. *I nod my head approvingly* Since I’m here, I might as well make a suggestion. I’m going to throw this out there, if you don’t like it, you can throw it right back. The reason I think the devil is killing you, in the soul-gathering game, is your strategy; you need to rework your whole approach. I would say the main thing that you are lacking is a guarantee.”

[Crosses his arms and shakes his head.]

God: “Is that right?”

Me: “Yeah! Let me explain. You see, the devil doesn’t mess around. He comes out straight with it, ‘follow my example and I GUARANTEE you entrance into the kingdom of Hell.’ He doesn’t put any stipulations on it or anything. Straight up, real talk. It’s plain as day. You do evil, and he will accept you. You on the other hand, what’s with all the rules? I mean, someone can live a pious life, but make a few mistakes and not gain entrance into Heaven. People might as well be bad…at least you know what the outcome will be.”

God: “Sounds good to me! You chose the devil’s guarantee, so you know where you’re going.”

ME: “It’s OK; I don’t mind. Heaven seems boring as Hell. Excuse the pun. I’d rather be in Hell anyways, that’s where all the fun people are at! I’m sure it’ll suck at first but, after a while, I’ll adjust to the flames. Eventually, it’ll be on and poppin’.”

God: “I’d be lying if I said this conversation wasn’t amusing, but your time is up. Enjoy the heat! Oh yeah, watch your ass – they separate the men from the women down there!”

Me: “WHAT? That doesn’t seem fair for straight guys! You mean to tell me that I have to spend an eternity with a bunch of sweaty men? How come gay dudes get to be together?”

God: “What can I tell you…the devil’s gay! You should have considered that before you followed him.”

[I slowly begin to descend.]

Me: “Followed him? What are you talking about, followed him? I was an atheist, not a devil worshipper! Hey Big G! Stop this thing…we have to talk!”

God: “Have fun!”

Me: “FUCK!”

God: “Literally!”

[THE END]

Back to reality. That would suck ass! Too bad it’ll never happen!!!

“Thank “god” I’m an atheist” – Salvador Dali

Isn’t it ironic *Alanis Morissette singing in the background*

@PeteTeix617

Are Ghosts Real?

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Paranormal activity can scare anyone, regardless of faith. The thought of seeing a ghost was bloodcurdling, but I always had “god,” and guardian angels watching over me; I was constantly protected.  My evolution to becoming an atheist was a slow, educational process which lasted many years. The more I understood the world, the less I believed in “god.” Oh what a momentous occasion it was, the instance I was finally able to free my mind from the shackles of theological mind-rape.

So ingrained in me were the ways of the god-fearing man, that I can only compare my freedom to the release date of a convict. One who had been sentenced to life in prison for a murder he never committed. Thirty years of failed appeals caused him to give up any semblance of hope, until that miraculous day; the DNA evidence revealed that he is not a killer…UNBELIEVABLE! I felt a big weight lift off of my shoulders and I wanted to scream “free at last.” The process of removing oneself from an embedded belief is an arduous task. My personal journey to becoming freed of my faith was an eighteen year excursion, filled with consternation.

Free as I was, I never completely understood the life of a non-believer. The world of the atheist man is not without its challenges. I never concerned myself with the mystical unknown realm until last night, standing on a bridge, watching the fireworks explode over the Boston skyline, with a group from the Barros clan.

Somehow, the conversation shifted to poltergeists. There were several stories of first and second-hand accounts in which people had encounters with ghosts. I would share the stories, but they are not mine. The only such questionable event that happened to me, occurred deep in the woods of New Jersey. A group of my friends decided to ride out to the middle of the woods and hang out. Of course, that means drinking was involved. We sat on some large boulders and I listened intently to various accounts concerning the “haunted woods.” At the time, forty ounce bottles were the trend. (I guess you can blame it on Dr. Dre’s ‘Dre Day’ video. I’m sure everyone remembers the party scene with the fridge full of forties. **For those of you who are either young or un-cool, youtube it!**) I was the first to finish my bottle, and I heaved it down what appeared to be a relatively deep cave. That’s when something strange happened; we didn’t hear any noise. There were several jokes about the haunted woods, but I assumed there was probably some water source inside the opening. We forgot about the incident and empty bottles crashed against rock walls. There was no hurry to return to campus, so we just relaxed and enjoyed the calm atmosphere. An hour elapsed, but we were content to remain in the woods until it was too dark.

That’s when we experienced the paranormal activity. Like every other group conversation, an awkward silence occured. Out of no where, we heard the loud sound of breaking class coming from the opening. Scared out of our minds, we left immediately. Like Ripley’s, you can believe it or not! I may not be a believer in “god,” but the existence of another dimension, I dare not question. (I know what you are thinking. Isn’t Atheism the absence of belief in any form of spirituality? No! It’s simply a disbelief in “god.”)

Back on the bridge, I listened to some weird episodes, never questioning the validity of the tales; I have always believed in spirits. The one fact that bothered me was the method used to combat the ghostly activities…holy water and prayer. I DON’T HAVE EITHER. I couldn’t help but think, how would I handle such a challenging situation.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was unprotected. No guardian angels, and no “god.”

I know myself, and I knew that I would have a rough time falling asleep; I am terrified of ghosts. (The movie ‘The Exorcist’ caused me many sleepless nights.) The night was shaping up to be a long one. I was prepared to be faced with some of the very paranormal activities which were mentioned on that breezy Boston bridge. (Yes, you guessed it…alliteration is my favorite.)

I laid in bed, my mind was creating ridiculous scenarios that I was fully prepared to face. Scared as I was, victim I would not be! I was prepared to deal with any ghost who dared show up. (I have no clue why I am trying to be so fearless. No matter how much I reason, I will be terrified once again tonight.)

For those of you who do not know, I like to have my room pitch black. There is nothing I detest more than being awakened by the sun. (Insert vampire jokes here!) I actually reached the point of blacking out the windows…it was wonderful. I would never know what time of day it was. The movie watching experience was enhanced, and I could take a nap whenever I felt the need. Things had to be changed after an incident with one of my exes. I woke up in the middle of the night to urinate, and when I walked out of the bathroom, she was standing in the hallway with the light on. “What are you doing?” I asked. She was scared, because my room was so dark. I know I’m a jerk, but I did the right thing…windows were no longer blackened. The room remains fairly dark nonetheless, so it definitely lends itself to horror. (I propose that a change be made. The word restroom doesn’t seem appropriate. Who the hell would want to rest in there? It smells like excrement and urine. If anything, we’re all in a hurry to get out. I believe public toilets should be called “reliefrooms.” Speaking of toilets, I understand the word urinal, because it makes perfect sense; urine goes into them. Toilets, on the other hand should be called shitinals, or fecenals! Just Saying!)

Another reason I feel  my room lends itself perfectly to be the setting for horror, is the paranormal activity that has been occurring with more and more frequency. I kid you not. Inexplicably, and for no apparent reason, my cable box will shut off. It will then reboot itself and turn back on. I wasn’t sure what was happening until I researched the phenomena online. Ghost? Exorcist? Demon? Devil? No! Fucking Comcast. I discovered that many customers were experiencing the same problems. The Comcast boxes are malfunctioning all around the country. Regrettably, there is nothing that can be done; no quick fix. A technician would have to be sent out to replace the entire box. Thankfully, I have found an appropriate solution. Directv, here I come. Pardon the tangent, but I hate Comcast with the Passion of the Christ. (This one is free. Great idea for a television show. ‘Pardon the Tangent.’ Guests will be encouraged to  steer the conversation on weird tangents. The more irrelevant the better! Take it an run with it. I just only seek 5%!!!)

Getting back to the topic of ghosts, I have discovered a resolution. I don’t need any religious support. I have come to the conclusion that, because the mind is so powerful, people can have experiences that are unexplainable. I have decided that these instances, with the paranormal, are simply the creation of the mind. A hallucination if you will. Obviously, this solution is completely bullshit because I still believe in ghosts. But, how else am I going to deal with the unknown…whatever helps me sleep at night!

I challenge anyone to sit down and converse about the subject with the man I know as “2-Joes.” You will become a believer.

In summation, I can only state that it is undeniable…ghosts are real!

@PeteTeix617