Category Archives: about me

Doggie Deal Breaker

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

This evening, I was about to pull into the garage when I noticed a beautiful woman walking down the street. She seemed amazing until I observed the leash in her hand; she was walking her dog. I’d rather not be with a woman who owns a dog.

This post is an explanation of the reasons I consider dogs to be a deal breaker. Actually, dogs aren’t a deal breaker. If I met a great girl who was a dog owner, I’d accept the dog without any problems. I just prefer no dogs.

***I am not Michael Vick and I don’t hate dogs. I simply have no desire to own a dog and I consider them to be animals and not humans. That being said, I completely understand that there are many people who love their pets!***

     My preference comes from life experiences. First of all, I’ve never been the type of person who likes touching animals or insects. That being said, I would love to own a tiger! (I had fish while living in Boston, but I never actually had to touch them!)

The second reason I prefer no dogs is the fact that owning a dog is a big responsibility, a fact that most people seem to overlook. I enjoy being free to do whatever I please and a dog can limit what activities the owner can enjoy. You can lock a dog in a cage and leave the house, but that seems cruel. (I understand that the responsibility falls on the female, who owns the dog, but I would end up sharing some of the responsibility and I’d rather not have to take care of a dog!)

The third reason I have a no dog preference is based on the fact that I have never picked up dog feces; a fact that will not change! Relationships are difficult to navigate and I don’t need the added stress that comes from the “I am not picking up your dog’s shit” argument. I can be an asshole and there is no way I am backing down from this position. (I often see people picking up after their dogs and I laugh my ass off every time!)

Watching grown adults picking after their dogs reminds me of a Seinfeld joke. Here is the conversation between George and Jerry.

Jerry: “If aliens come to earth, they will think dogs are running things.”

George: “Why do you say that?”

Jerry: “Because all they’re going to see is a bunch of humans being led on leashes by their dogs and then watching the humans pick up after the dogs!”

This is an excellent point!

The main reason may be a bit silly, but it’s real and I can’t help it. I watched the 2005 movie Sleeping Dogs Lie, and it changed the way I look at dog owners. (The movie came out in 2005 so, I don’t feel bad if I spoil the story for anyone who reads this!) Basically, a woman has a sexual experience with her dog and reveals it to her boyfriend which causes problems in the relationship.

The way I see it, there is a 38 percent chance that women who own dogs experienced some sort of sexual contact with the animal and I am not about following a canine. That would be the sloppiest seconds! (There is no mathematical formula for figuring out the 38 percent; I just figure that is the accurate number!)

The final reason has to do with the fact that I am a germaphobe. Even if I am fortunate enough to meet one of the 62 percent clean dog owners, aka a woman who never lost the fight against the curiosity of bestiality, there are still cleanliness issues.

I don’t want to kiss someone who just kissed a dog, which just licked its own asshole. I don’t consider kissing dogs to be a sexual thing, but it is pretty gross! I also think sex should be a spontaneous thing and I would rather not have to stop in order to allow the woman to wash her hands before we engaged in consensual non-dog-involved sexual activities! I would also prefer not having sex on a dog-hair-covered bed. (Call me crazy!)

Not Hot!

     I apologize to any dog owners who may find this post to be offensive! (Now stop being pissed and go scoop up some poop!)

@PeteTeix617

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Another Step Closer

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I reached another step on my long road to becoming the Deli Devil. (If you have no idea what I am referring to, read my previous post: This Actually Happened – October 15th) Step eight: have some experience killing the same type of thing, repeatedly.

In my case, I have been an insect serial killer for at least a quarter century; this is a step that I have plenty of experience with. I also have the natural ability to spot any insect regardless of the environment. I can spot a chameleon in the most inconspicuous hiding place.

For some reason, I will instinctively stop watching television and spot a spider, hidden in the corner of my bedroom. Once I see an insect, the desire to kill it immediately washes over me. The problem is I have never been one of those people who touch insects, so I have to come up with creative ways to kill them without actually coming into contact with the critters.

One major concern about moving to California was the knowledge that warmer climates produce larger and a wider selection of insects. Thankfully, I rarely come across the creepy crawlers. Unfortunately, insects are not yet extinct in the city of Los Angeles. Every so often, I will find an insect in the apartment and I will kill it as soon as possible.

Since I do this regularly, I consider myself an insect serial killer. I even have a reliable instrument of death. MY TRUSTED BROOM! First, I use the broom to sweep the insect to the ground, if it is on the wall. Then I use the broom to sweep the insect into the wall at a high speed. The key is I feel absolutely no guilt!

The result is quick and fatal. The insect dies and I use the dustpan to dispose the dead critter into the waste basket. Sometimes, I leave the insect on the floor for an hour or so, just to send a message to any other insects who may be thinking of entering the apartment.

In a way, I am an evolutionary serial killer because I do it for the environment. In fact, the way I see it people who do not kill insects, found inside of their homes, are doing the planet a disservice. Charles Darwin’s Natural Selection will weed out the dumb insects and help to evolve a new super insect that will be smart enough to stay away from killer humans. Through the process of evolution, earth will be a place where humans and insects will be able to coexist, without having to interact. As long as you allow the dumb insects to continue living, you are slowing down the evolutionary process!

***DO YOUR PART AND KILL THE DUMB INSECTS!***

     Please don’t get the wrong idea; I’m not some sadistic individual who gets pleasure from killing insects. I don’t want to share a living space with them and the murders are necessary and not gratuitous! The fact that I don’t feel any remorse is because I was able to rid my mind of the guilt-ridden religious theological teachings. (I don’t foresee experiencing any guilt when I move on to become a “real” serial killer!)

***I placed the word real in quotation marks because killing insects is real!***

     Since I’m on the subject, I do have an enemy insect. I despise the centipede. I guess it’s the fact that they are extremely fast and they can kill humans. (I know it is rare for a centipede bite to kill a human, but I’m not taking any chances!)

Although there are people who believe centipedes are a helpful since they prey on other insects, I don’t want them anywhere around me. I have and always will hate centipedes. I will share too experiences which caused me to hate the centipede.

Other than storage space, the basement of my childhood home was only used to wash clothes. Every time I went down to do laundry I had to be on centipede alert. It was terrifying. Originally, the basketball hoop in my backyard was located near the gate and we had problems with unwanted guests. At the end of the summer, we took down the hoop and planned to relocate it to a more desirable spot. When the spring arrived, a cousin of mine was helping me retrieve the hoop so we could re-cement it in the new location. As we carried the backboard up the stairs it got stuck and while we attempted to figure out the best way to loosen the hoop, my cousin spotted a large black centipede. My escape route was blocked by the hoop and I as stuck in the basement with the massive killer. I don’t remember much of what happened next, but somehow I managed to survive!

It was a little wider and longer than this one!

     There was another incident that happened during the summer, about fifteen years ago. We often hung out on my friend’s stoop, but the place was a centipede hot spot, so I was always uncomfortable to the point that my hatred for the insect became a known fact. One day, I jumped off the steps after spotting a centipede. My friend grabbed the insect and chased after me. I hopped on my bicycle and got the hell out of there. I peddled so fast and out of control that I almost crashed. After an hour of being chased from the street, my friend finally told me that he was terrified of centipedes and would never touch one. I was still a bit apprehensive when returning to the stoop, but I ended up trusting him and he was being honest. (That was one of the scariest experiences of my life!)

This post is sponsored by Orkin!

This post is a cry for help. I don’t want to become a serial killer!

@PeteTeix617

This Will Happen

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I’ve decided to stop blogging regularly, at least for the foreseeable future. I have a few posts to write for next week and then I will take a break. I’m not burned out or anything; I’m just taking some time to work on other projects. Who knows, I may decide to post once a week, but I’m not sure.

***Thanks to everyone who has continued to read on a regular basis!***

Nominations Are Cool

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

     Thanks to John the Aussie , I have been nominated for the versatile blogger award. I’ve been posting almost daily for a while and it’s great to see that people continue to visit the blog. The nomination is an honor and I will do my best to continue producing posts which bring some sort of entertainment value. Click the link above and check out John’s blog; you will not be disappointed.

Above is the official award picture, but I like this one!

What is the award all about? It’s a way for bloggers to show appreciation to their fellow writers. (To read more about the award, click on the link: The Versatile Blogger Award)

Here are the rules.

1. Nominate 15 other Bloggers.

2. Include the Award (image) in the post.

3. Thank the person who nominated you and link them into the Post.

4. Share 7 random things about yourself.

5. Include the rules in the post.

6. Inform every Blogger that you’ve nominated by posting on their blog.

Are you ready for my seven random things?

  1. I enjoy watching HGTV and I don’t care what you think!
  2. I love Logic and solving proofs. So much so that I’ve solved proofs during my free-time just for fun!
  3. I’m glad Tim Tebow is no longer with the Denver Broncos because the religious nuts who supported him really got on my nerves. (Or as my cousin’s mother says, “They were making me nervous!”)
  4. Living in Los Angeles is a surreal experience. I’m not sure if I will ever get used to the fact that this is indeed my life.
  5. I forget that people exist if I don’t communicate with them on a regular basis.
  6. I usually don’t miss anyone, but today is my nephew’s birthday and I miss hanging out with him.
  7. I hate when I’m watching a movie and I see a guy kill a hot chick. It’s not that I am against hot chicks dying in movies; I just don’t understand how the dude doesn’t bang her before killing her. I mean honestly, the guy is committing murder; why not throw in a rape to boot!

 I may have shared too much!

Here are some great blogs that I follow. Thanks to each of these writers for keeping me entertained!

I know I only listed 10, but I don’t like rules!

I’m sure I did a horrible job of completing each task but I can’t help doing things my own way!

@PeteTeix617

Assimilation Complete

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I honestly didn’t think it would happen, but my conversion to becoming a West Sider has gone further than I expected. My body has adapted to the new climate and I no longer have the ability to cope with the “cold.” (I am now one of those people who think it is cold when the weather is 60 degrees!)

I often laughed at the native Californians who wore winter jackets while I walked around in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. The worst offender was the young lady who actually had on a pair of winter gloves. It was a chilly day, by California standards, but she definitely seemed over-the-top.

As I am writing this, I am bundled up. I don’t think I would be able to survive in Boston, during the winter. A Nor’Easter would kill me. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to make it back to my hometown, but I am positive it will be during the summer months. (In retrospect, I regret not packing my winter jacket!)

I wonder what my next step in the Cali-evolution will be. Who knows, maybe I’ll become a surfer dude. (We’ll see what happens when the weather warms up!)

A bonus to living in Los Angeles is the fact that I am only a 2-hour drive from Big Bear Mountain, where I will always be able to see some snow. I’ve been told that you can actually surf in the morning, then drive to the mountain and ski in the afternoon; all in the same day! (It’s truly the best of both worlds!)

I can’t wait for the sun to shine in the sky, tomorrow! Today was a weird day in Southern California; it rained. Thankfully, the sun appeared in the late afternoon and everything was back to normal!

I LOVE THE SUN!!!

**I can’t believe how fast I adapted! (I guess I’m stuck here!)**

@PeteTeix617

A Big Change

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Due to my schedule, I will be forced to write about the future of rap, next week. I would love to give updates about my new job, but I do not want to risk posting anything that will violate the company policies. (I am all about compliance!)

What I can talk about is the fact that the job is great. The coworkers are laid back and everyone in the main office has been extremely cool. I travel to different locations several times a day, and I get to work independently. The decision to move to the Left Coast has been paying off! (I love ending the day at 1:30pm!)

We have another life update. Tomorrow is the day we move into our new apartment. It will definitely be an extremely busy day. If you are in the Los Angeles area, come by North Hollywood and help us move in some mattresses to the second floor. (When the hell did companies start delivering “curb-side only?”)

This better not be me!

     Luckily, we found a place with underground parking! We also have a decent size outdoor space for grilling. We’ll pick up the grill on Saturday, and we’ll live on barbequed food for the next several months, weather permitting! (That’s my new favorite joke!)

I think that is all the information I feel like divulging, for now. Tomorrow, I will write about the greatest sushi bar in the world!

Is it 9pm already? Time for bed!

P.S. We might get some of our possessions stolen prior to leaving tomorrow, due to a new sketchy housemate! I’ll keep everyone posted if we fall victim to Grand Theft Roommate! (Good luck to us!)

@Peteteix617

I Don’t Think I Saw That

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I spend a great deal of my free time watching movies. I love all types of films, especially independent ones. The big multimillion dollar Hollywood blockbusters are fine, but I think the studios spend too much money on special effects and creative cinematography, forgetting to generate interesting characters. I’d much rather watch The Pursuit of Happiness than Transformers. (I get it; you have wonderful CGI guys!)

Two of my favorite channels are the Independent Film Channel (IFC) and the Sundance Channel. I can’t get enough of the foreign films. There are great productions which come from the United States, but there is an indescribable realness that comes from an independent film; you can feel each writer and director pouring everything they have into telling their stories.

My Dinner With Andre is an interesting film, and it’s just two guys sitting at a restaurant table and talking; a great story will always capture an audience. If you’ve seen one car blowup; you’ve seen a million. (All that other nonsense is for the people who don’t care to think!)

I own an unusually large amount of movies. Why? Because I like movies! (I am always quick to point out my fairly large book collection whenever people assume I don’t read!) Friends often wonder why anyone would purchase movies, but I am built differently. I have diagnosed myself with a perplexing condition; Movie Memory Defect. (MMD is more commonly known as Pete’s Disease!)

**Don’t worry; Pete’s Disease is not contagious!**

     “What the heck is that?” Don’t feel bad if you never heard of the disorder; mine is the only documented case. (I am currently searching for others!) If you have been living with MMD, don’t be ashamed; we can support each other.

Pete’s Disease is a weird disorder. From what is known, the affected individual will begin to notice changes after their twenty-first birthday.

Here is my story:

I’ve always loved watching movies. My favorites included Jaws, First Blood, the Rocky series, The Godfather, Scarface, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, among others. I like the original movie; not that Johnny Depp nonsense with the same oompa loompa! (From this day forth, Willy Wonka will be known as “Two Dubs,” so I can retain my street credit!)

I was a movie buff; I could recall any line from any film. Still to this day, I know Scarface and Two Dubs by heart. When I turned twenty-one, I began to lose my ability to recollect movies. Three months after watching a film, I would completely forget the entire plot and, in most cases, the title. Over the years, the condition has gotten worse. Before, a few pivotal scenes could jog my memory, but now, I simply can’t remember viewing some films. (It’s a little crazy!)

I often search through the movie channels and pick the most interesting film. More often than not, I will end up picking a movie that I previously watched. Sometimes, it can take me about ten minutes to remember, but I won’t recall anything about the plot. If the film seems intriguing, I’ll watch it again; it’ll be as if I am watching the movie for the first time. After six months or so, I will not be able to remember anything about a movie, unless it was amazing.

Memento was a great movie. I can remember the fact that the scenes unfolded backwards, but I have no idea what the movie is about. I know The Pursuit of Happiness was a great film, but all I remember is the fact that Will Smith went through some struggles, and then he did something great with mathematics, I think! I remember the beginning of Avatar because I re-watched the first hour, a month ago, but I’m not sure, exactly, how it ends. (I just know the good guys win!)

I buy movies because I know that I can always watch them over and over again, and the experience will always be a new one. The weird thing about MMD is the fact that I can remember everything about the classic movies. If I saw a film, prior to my twenty-first birthday, I am able to recall everything.

Thankfully, I can remember if a movie was good or bad, unless the movie is ok. In those instances, I won’t recollect the film, but at least I will know that it wasn’t horrible. The weird thing is the fact that Pete’s Disease only affects movies; I have no problem remembering books. (One day, scientists will be able to find a cure!)

I actually enjoy having MMD; watching a great movie, again, for the first time, is an indescribable feeling. That being said, I do hope a cure is discovered one day; in the future, others may not appreciate the side effects as much as I do.

I know this may seem like a completely made up disorder, but those who know me well, will be able to corroborate my story.

Here are a few lists of notable movies:

Top Five movies I am proud to say, I never watched!

  1. Gigli – Part of me wants to see the movie so I can actually experience the monumental “suckiness” for myself, but I don’t plan on ever viewing this flop.
  2. Soul Plane – Do I even have to explain why I never want to watch this crap? Honestly!
  3. Sex and the City – I’m an atheist, but I was raised as a Christian. I just don’t want to support such whorishness. You can call the ladies independent if you want, but I’ll pass on watching a movie which requires a condom for protection from STDs.
  4.  Son of Mask – I loved the original film. The world was introduced to Cameron Diaz, at the height of her hotness. (She will never be as hot again. Not even if you watch the movie again!) I’ll definitely pass on this garbage.
  5. This one is a three-way tie. Glitter/From Justin to Kelly/ Crossroads – Decent singers don’t necessarily make decent actors. STOP IT!!! If you are a fan of one of these stars, please save them from humiliation and boycott their future endeavors into the acting business. (For every Will Smith, there are at least ten Crossroads!)

Top Five movies I wish I never saw!

  1. Straight Out of Brooklyn – Not only did this film suck, but I joined my cousin on a walk to the video store and we selected this failure. The walk was pretty bad, but the letdown was worse; we actually thought we discovered a diamond in the rough!
  2. Pi – I read the back cover and figured I stumbled upon a sure fire hit; boy was I wrong! This film sucked! (I actually purchased this “piece of bread!”) **Anyone is welcome to borrow it!**
  3. Wolf Creek – This was truly a suspense-less suspense film! I had the misfortune of watching this one in a theatre! Woe was me! (Don’t watch it!)
  4. Barb Wire – If you want to see Pam Anderson naked, Google her; don’t waste your time watching this trash! (In my defense, the internet was fairly new when I saw this “movie!”)
  5. I Know Who Killed Me – I didn’t watch the entire film. It was on while I was writing yesterday’s post; from what I saw, I had absolutely zero interest in paying attention!

Top Five movies of all time!

  1. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Two Dubs) – This is the most enjoyable movie to watch!
  2. Scarface – This is honestly the proverbial “1b,” but it has become cliché to put this movie at the top!
  3. Dumb and Dumber – This is, hands down, the funniest film of all time!
  4. Coming to America – Hilarious movie; I love watching it! (If it’s on television, I can’t turn it off!)
  5. Jaws – Truly a classic! “Here’s to swimming with bowlegged women!” (To read about my fascination with sharks, click the link: My Obsession With Sharks.)

Honorable mentions – The Rocky series, First Blood, City of God, Braveheart, The Karate Kid (Daniel son),The Indiana Jones series, and Gladiator. (I began looking over the collection and there are too many great films to mention them all!)

The Top movie which no longer scares the crap out of me, since I became an atheist!

  1. The Exorcist – This was undoubtedly the scariest movie of all time, but now that I know there is no devil, it’s not scary at all! Do your children a favor and protect them from such unnecessary sleepless nights! (I recently watched a great documentary which provided scientific explanations for “exorcisms!”)

 

The Top craziest movie I watched!

  1. Sleeping Dogs Lie – If you haven’t seen this movie, this is your warning; watch with caution. I hope I never experience this type of craziness! (Yuck!) For those who have watched the movie, our lives will never be the same!

The great thing about opinions is the fact that everyone has one. If you enjoyed such classic crap as Soul Plane, speak up and support your favorites. (The enjoyment of Soul Plane may affect your future employment opportunities!)

These lists are a not set in stone. Due to my MMD, I may have forgotten some movies!

@PeteTeix617

NaNoWriMo Cherry Popped

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

     Today is December 1, 2011, which means, TIME IS UP! Previously, I mentioned my decision to participate in the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) event. The goal was to write a 50,000 word novel in the genre of my choice. I had several ideas prepared in my phone’s memo, but I ended up creating a new one. I was extremely excited to take on the task.

The title of the novel is Unexpected Sidekick. I created a brief summary which I posted on my NaNoWriMo website profile.

Summary:

Tim Brantley, a spoiled city kid, believes his life is over when he is forced to move with his family to the small town of Deming, New Mexico. Tim is filled with excitement when he discovers a map leading to an old sidekick phone, but to his dismay, the device no longer works. Just when it appears as if he is about to experience the longest summer of his life, Tim meets Chris Demps, a neighbor who quickly becomes his best friend. The boys have the entire summer to explore the wilderness surrounding the state parks near the Florida Mountains. Chris decides to scare Tim by creating an urban legend concerning an abandoned house located at the edge of town. The ruse works perfectly, but the boys are intrigued when Good Old Mr. Meyer tells them about an old Aztec village near the forest. Tim and Chris will unearth more than they expected!   

Clearly, I decided to name the characters after Florida Gators players. Here is what happened during my month long challenge:

Initially, I thought I would be done around day eighteen or so, due to my love of writing. The first day didn’t go as planned; I wrote a little over 1300 words. The second day was even worse; I barely cracked 1200 words. The third day started a horrible trend; I failed to write a single word. (Things were not looking good!)

I planned to take a few days off and then make up the word count with a 10,000 word writing frenzy during my flight to Los Angeles; that didn’t happen. I read during the entire trip and failed to write. I didn’t write a word during my time in Los Angeles, but there was a return flight; I knew I would make up for my lack of discipline. (I accomplished a great deal in the first third of the month, but the novel writing goal didn’t seem possible; I was too busy!)

The new goal was simple; return to Boston and write like I did during my first novel. I didn’t have a choice. FIVE THOUSAND WORDS A NIGHT! (It had to be done!)

I know you must be thinking that I failed to meet the challenge, and you are one hundred percent correct. I didn’t write another word. (Epic Failure!)

My final tally: a pitiful 2534 words.

The NaNoWriMo website contains some great tools, which will help to illustrate how poorly I performed. According to the Site Stats feature, I was a lost snail who wandered onto an Olympic track during the 1000-yard dash, with Hussein Bolt in the starters block; I didn’t stand a chance. The exact quote reads, “At This Rate You Will Finish On June 17, 2013!” (Not bad for a first timer!)

Better yet, my “Words Per Day To Finish On Time,” is 47,466. I thought about making an attempt, tonight, but I clearly have little faith! (Pun intended!) I elaborate about my lack of belief in some of the highlighted posts in the Must Reads Tab, at the top of the page.

Although I failed, I did manage to post a blog entry every day. Next year, will be different; I will return with more determination. Hopefully, I’ll be settled into my new life on the West Coast! I know I gave away the idea for my yet-to-be-written novel, but I trust that people will adhere to the honor system and not steal my creation. (If you find yourself unable to control your kleptomania, the least you can do is thank me!)

I bow before you, O Mighty Lord of NaNoWriMo!

@PeteTeix617