Monthly Archives: June 2012

Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 2

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Season 2: Episode 1

INT. sports bar

Bartholomew convinced Judas to meet the guys at a bar in order to hash things out.

SIMON

I can’t believe Matt escaped twice.

BARTHOLOMEW

Michelle is going to kill him when he goes home.

MATTHIAS

I told you guys; things are a little different now.

SIMON

She’s gonna kill him.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I thought you said Judas was coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

He’ll be here in a half hour. I wanted us to get on the same page before he arrived.

SIMON

Phil, what the hell is going on with your eye.

PHILIP

I don’t know. It just swelled up for no reason.

BARTHOLOMEW

You don’t think you caught anything from Kim; do you?

PHILIP

Do you have to be an asshole?

SIMON

Don’t be silly, Bart. You can’t catch an STD without having sex.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Hey Simon, is that a hickey on your neck?

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell! I guess someone wasn’t getting any homework done during study hall.

PHILIP

I hope Leslie doesn’t see it.

SIMON

First of all, I take offense to the fact that you assume Leslie had nothing to do with the mark on my neck.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, maybe they were role playing.

SIMON

Thanks Bart; you’re a true friend. Where was I? Oh yeah! Second of all, it’s not a hickey. Its a stab wound.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I knew Leslie was crazy, but I didn’t think she would actually stab you.

PHILIP

It was only a matter of time.

SIMON

Well Phil, you’ll be happy to know it wasn’t Leslie.

PHILIP

Let me guess; some woman’s husband caught you sleeping with his wife?

SIMON

Hell no! I’m not a home-wrecker.

The guys laugh and Phil shakes his head.

MATTHIAS

You’re a stand-up guy.

SIMON

Don’t pat me on the back too soon; I do cheat. This came from a vegan chick I met.

BARTHOLOMEW

I thought vegan chicks were into peace and harmony?

SIMON

They are until you piss them off.

PHILIP

Do I even want to hear this story?

SIMON

Yeah, it’s a great one.

BARTHOLOMEW

Tell me you didn’t trick her into eating meat.

SIMON

I definitely gave her some meat, if you know what I mean.

BARTHOLOMEW

NICE!

MATTHIAS

Let’s hear the story.

SIMON

I was on my break but I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered a salad. The vegan chick ended up ordering the same thing which gave me an ice-breaker. She asked if I was vegan and I didn’t want to disappoint her so I lied.

MATTHIAS

Like I said, stand-up guy!

SIMON

She was cool at first, but after a couple weeks, she just kept going on and on about hating meat so I decided to end it.

BARTHOLOMEW

You broke up with her and she went crazy?

SIMON

It’s how I did it that was the problem.

MATTHIAS

I have to hear this.

SIMON
Since she always talks about being vegan, I know that her favorite place to eat lunch is the Prudential Center food court, so I went there and ordered a bunch of meat and she caught me scarfing it down.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s funny.

SIMON

It wasn’t funny when she snapped and stabbed me with a steak knife. If I didn’t react quickly, she would have killed me.

PHILIP

Psychos are created by your behavior.

SIMON

There is no excuse for attempted murder.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did Leslie say about the mark?

SIMON

That brings me to the favor I was going to ask. I told her you close-lined me while playing basketball.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got you.

SIMON

I wish she wasn’t a vegan; she’s an actress and I think she might be the next big star.

BARTHOLOMEW

I could never date an actress.

MATTHIAS

Why not?

BARTHOLOMEW

Because I don’t want to date someone who does sex scenes with a bunch of actors.

PHILIP

Yeah, cheating is cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

If I’m friends with the guy who is dating Halle Berry, I’d torture him. I’d walk into his apartment everyday and sit him down saying, “I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think your girl is cheating on you.” Then I’d throw on the sex scene from Monster’s Ball!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That would suck! I don’t think we could remain friends if I end up dating an actress.

SIMON

I wouldn’t let that bother me. All you have to do is use your advantage. Everyday, before she had to do a sex scene, I’d go to the set and make her give me a blow job. Then we’d see how the actor enjoys making out with my girlfriend.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That’s the nastiest thing I ever heard.

SIMON

You have to fight dirty if you want to win!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s not dirty; that’s playing disgusting!

SIMON

Don’t kiss my chick!

Judas arrives at the table.

JUDAS

Kissing your chick; talk about sloppy seconds!

BARTHOLOMEW

You finally made it.

SIMON

You’re not still pissed are you?

JUDAS

I was heated, but I think if I was in your shoes, I’d probably believe the chick so I don’t care anymore. I’ll be gay Judas, as long as you guys don’t mind me inviting your chicks over for a slumber party.

PHILIP

I don’t care how gay you are; your not getting anywhere near Kim!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So you admit that you’re gay?

JUDAS

No! The truth will come out eventually.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m confused. So you’re the the truth like Paul Pierce and you plan on coming out in the future?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

No. I have no idea why this chick made up this lie, but I intend on getting to the bottom of this.

BARTHOLOMEW

And by get to the bottom, do you mean some guys bottom?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I can see you’re going to enjoy this for a while.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes sir!

JUDAS

Why do you keep saying, “no homophobe?”

SIMON

It’s a new thing that Bart came up with so we don’t hurt your feelings when we make hurtful gay jokes.

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s actually hilarious, but I’m not gay.

SIMON

Yeah, and Phil is not a virgin.

JUDAS

Oh shit; it’s Jasmine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I haven’t seen her in years. Do you still talk to her?

JUDAS

Na. After the last drunken hookup about a year ago, we’ve had no contact.

BARTHOLOMEW

Call her over here so we can all say hi.

JUDAS

I’d rather not; I don’t want to sleep with her again.

PHILIP

Are you crazy?

JUDAS

What?

PHILIP

She’s not going to sleep with you after a year of no contact.

JUDAS

Dude, she’s in love with me; I can bang her whenever I want.

BARTHOLOMEW

So you don’t want to sleep with her because you’re gay?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I’m not going to keep saying I’m not gay. You can keep the jokes coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thanks; I will!

MATTHIAS

I’m with Phil on this one; there is no way she is going to sleep with you after a year.

JUDAS

You guys are lucky I don’t want to sleep with her, because I would do it just to prove it.

BARTHOLOMEW

There is no way.

JUDAS

You guys have no idea.

SIMON

If that’s true, do it and prove us wrong.

JUDAS

I don’t want her to think that there is a possibility of us getting back together.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the gay thing, right?

SIMON

Again, no homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I would pay to see this.

SIMON

Me too!

MATTHIAS

I’ll match whatever these guys put up.

PHILIP

You guys are so childish.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re chipping in too; or you can’t watch.

JUDAS

What do you mean watch; I’m not banging my ex in front of you guys.

BARTHOLOMEW

I bet you would love that gay guy.

SIMON

No homophobe!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m down to put up two hundred.

SIMON

I’ll do two hundred.

MATTHIAS

Me too!

JUDAS

That was too easy; I’ll do it for fifteen hundred or no deal.

BARTHOLOMEW

Done!

SIMON

Hell yeah!

MATTHIAS

I’ll even cover Phil’s portion.

SIMON

Na, he’s paying too.

PHILIP

It doesn’t matter because she’s not going to sleep with him.

JUDAS

If you guys have the cash, I’ll get head in the bar’s bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You work on that and we’ll go to the ATM.

The guys leave the bar and Judas heads over to speak with his ex-girlfriend.

About twenty minutes later, the guys returned to the bar and Judas walked over from his ex-girlfriend’s table.

BARTHOLOMEW

Ok, we have the cash; let’s see what you’re made of.

JUDAS

Pay up; I already got head.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Which guy was it?

SIMON

No homophobe!

JUDAS

Real funny. I want my money.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you kidding; I know you don’t expect us to believe you.

JUDAS

I’m serious; she gave me head in the bathroom.

SIMON

How the hell are we supposed to verify that?

JUDAS

No problem. I’ll do it again.

Judas leaves and walks over to speak with his ex. A few minutes later, he leads her from her table to the back of the bar, where the restrooms are located.

PHILIP

I can’t believe this. What’s wrong with her.

BARTHOLOMEW

She probably just loves cock like Judas.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

This is amazing. I can’t believe he actually got her to agree.

MATTHIAS

You don’t think he offered to share the money with her, do you?

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell no! Are you insane? She would never agree to do it if she knew we were paying for it.

SIMON

Yeah man, what’s wrong with you. She’s in love, not a prostitute.

MATTHIAS

I was just asking.

A short while longer, Judas returns to his friends and places his left hand on the table.

JUDAS

Is that proof enough?

There is a small amount of what appears to be semen on his hand.

The guys take notice and break out into laughter.

SIMON

I can’t fucking believe it!

JUDAS

Pay up!

Bartholomew places the fifteen hundred on the table and Judas scoops it up.

JUDAS

I work hard for my money!

MATTHIAS

That was definitely worth every penny; I honestly didn’t think he could do it.

BARTHOLOMEW

Chicks dig gay dudes.

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

You should have just busted in her mouth.

JUDAS

I did! I just wiped a little bit on my hand for proof.

SIMON

Well done.

PHILIP

I’m speechless!

JUDAS

Don’t worry; one day you will get head and know what it feels like.

The guys laugh and Judas heads to the bathroom to clean up. When he returns, his ex-girlfriend is by his side.

JUDAS

Hey guys, look who I bumped into.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on Jasmine; it’s been a while.

JASMINE

Hi Bart, how’s life?

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t complain.

JASMINE

Hey guys.

SIMON

Hi Jasmine.

MATTHIAS

Hey,

PHILIP

Hi Jasmine.

JASMINE

What’s wrong with your eye, Phil?

PHILIP

I think I’m having an allergic reaction to something.

JUDAS

I just assumed Kim abused you so I didn’t say anything.

JASMINE

It looks infected, do you want me to run across the street and get some eye-drops?

PHILIP

No, you don’t have to go through all that trouble.

Simon winks at Bartholomew.

SIMON

Maybe it’s a hair.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, maybe you have  a hair in your eye.

SIMON

Jasmine, you should blow in his eye like the old ladies used to do when we were kids.

PHILIP

No, it’s fine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Phil, it might get infected; you might as well let her help.

JASMINE

Yeah Phil, I’m sure it’s painful. Let me blow the hair out of your eye.

Jasmine attempts to grab Phil, but he avoids her grasp.

PHILIP

I’m fine.

SIMON

Phil, stop being a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, let her blow into your eye; what’s wrong with you.

Simon stands from the table and grabs a hold of Philip’s arms.

SIMON

Go ahead, Jasmin.

Jasmine grabbed a hold of Philip’s head and blew into his eye. Simon released his grip and fell to the floor. The guys erupted with laughter. Jasmine also found the incident to be funny.

JASMINE

Phil is such a baby.

SIMON

Yeah, cockeye is such a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh shit! Cockeye!

JUDAS

I’ll walk you out Jasmine; these mature guys are going to be calling Phil a baby for the rest of the night.

JASMINE

Bye guys.

The guys wave goodbye, but can’t stop laughing long enough to say anything. Jasmine exits the bar with Judas.

PHILIP

You guys are assholes.

MATTHIAS

Why the hell did you let her blow in your eye?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, you know she just gave Judas head.

PHILIP

What was I supposed to do; Simon held me down and I didn’t want to let her know that Judas told us about what she did.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn cockeye, there is no way I would have let that go down.

Judas returns.

MATTHIAS

Are you guys back in a relationship?

BARTHOLOMEW

An open relationship; I assume.

SIMON

No homophobe.

JUDAS

Na, but I’m sure she has some ideas.

SIMON

You have nothing to complain about; you just got paid fifteen hundred dollars to get head.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, you’re a freaking porn star.

JUDAS

I’m not picking up the tab either.

The guys laugh and call it a night.

[IT'S A WRAP!]

Episode 3

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This Actually Happened – June 29th, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I decided to post this week’s This Actually Happened, today and I will post the new episode of Bagging Up, tomorrow.

 

Luck Of The Non-Irish

A few weeks ago, I was driving on the highway (Speeding as usual!) and something unfortunate occurred. My passenger side front tire exploded while I was switching lanes. Thankfully, I used my superior driving abilities to enter the breakdown lane and bring the car to a safe stop; a less skilled person may have died tragically in such a situation. (Ironically, the tire blew-out on the section of the Glendale Freeway which is adopted by Atheists United!) I carefully stepped out of the vehicle as motorists sped by, and I walked around the car in order to assess the damage. (I was too focused on my tire, to notice, but I’m pretty sure many of the drivers were elated to see my troubles since I drove by each of them at very high speeds!) ***This is one of those situations that will cause people to attempt and apply karma, but that’s just dumb!*** I knew I had a flat tire, but I didn’t expect to see a complete blowout. The tire looked like it was Emilio Rebenga’s stomach after being carved up real nice by Antonio Montana at the beginning of director Brian De Palma’s cult classic, SCARFACE! I think I shed a tear, but it evaporated before rolling down my cheek due to the California sun, which was all up in my face! (The car will never be the same! I MISS YOU RIGHT FRONT PASSENGER SIDE TIRE!) There was nothing I could do other than pop the trunk and grab the spare. Suddenly, a truck pulled up behind my car and parked. Amazingly, the driver worked for the California Public Works Department and he was there to help. (Looks like I was able to acquire a little luck from Boston’s Irish!) The tire change took less than ten minutes, since he had a professional car jack. The best part was the fact that I only had to do twenty percent of the work. (Twenty percent is the actual amount of work performed by me; I did not estimate!) Unfortunately, I made the mistake of driving by a Goodyear tire shop and my luck ran out when I ended up paying a hundred and twenty dollars for a replacement tire. (Next time, I’ll stop being lazy and drive to the hood to get a used replacement for about twenty bucks!) I may not believe in a higher power, but I definitely believe in the luck of the Irish! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

The men pictured above did not have anything to do with my tire change!

@PeteTeix617

365 Days Of Blogging

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Today is June 28th; day number three hundred and sixty five since I started this blog. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s a pretty decent accomplishment. I didn’t blog every day, but that was never a goal; this is post number 346. (Not too shabby!)

Thanks to all the people who continue to take a few minutes out of their day in order to read my words of wisdumb!

That being said, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that my blog is a year old and hasn’t learned how to walk yet. I honestly don’t know what I can do; I guess the blog is naturally lazy and I have to accept that fact. Who knows? Maybe it will never walk. When I think about it, the blog may not have walked but it did fly from Boston to Los Angeles. (I don’t know how many miles that is, but I’m pretty sure the blog out-flew the Wright Brothers by at least a quarter mile to a mile and a half!)

It was another beautiful day in Southern California. In fact, it’s been about two months since the last time it rained. I was told that it barely rains in Los Angeles during the summer, but that seems implausible; I didn’t believe it. Thankfully, I think it’s true!

***This post is just my way of saying thank you to the wonderful people who follow my blog. THANKS!***

Remember that every individual is in control of his or her respective lives. Nothing happens for a reason. That is one of the dumbest sayings ever! Everyone knows that “everything happens for a reason” is a cop-out. You can’t blame fate or the will of some higher power for the negative occurrences in your life, or else, me calling you a dumbass will happen for a reason!

There is also no such thing as karma. It is complete nonsense for anyone to try and keep score of the positive and negative events in his or her life. How the hell do you assign a value to specific each event? If you were asked to help a friend move and you decided to lie about having to work, you can’t blame karma for getting into a car accident a month later. First of all, a month is filled with ups and downs; am I supposed to accept the fact that none of those events are factored into your karma scoring system?

Furthermore, how is lying to a friend about having to work the same as getting into a car accident. Karma is one of those dumb things that people simply accept, blindly. Like faith, and every other nonsensical ways of thinking, once the logic test is applied it is easy to realize how one dumb human can influence future generations! (Are we to blame the Indians for inventing karma, or are we to blame the British East India Company for sharing the Buddhist way of thinking with the rest of the world!)

I find it funny that people often say, “everything happens for a reason,” but they can never figure out the mystical reason! From this day forth, I want to know the reason, or I will start calling out the dumbasses!

***THANKS AGAIN FOR READING***

@PeteTeix617

The Most Interesting Commercials In The World

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

It is futile to argue, the Dos Equis commercials are hilarious. When it comes to advertising, EuroRSCG knocked this one out of the park. There is no way any beer drinking hominoid can watch one of the commercials and not have an urge to buy a case of Dos Equis on their next trip to the local liquor store. (This is a fact. Dos Equis sales increased exponentially since the ads began running!)

Although I enjoy most of the facts, there are a few that were lacking. Here is a list of the bad facts, and my improvements. (You may think the original facts work, and I’m not afraid to say that you are wrong!)

Bad Fact 1:

“He has inside jokes with perfect strangers.” At first, I thought this was funny, but then I thought about it and it’s not really unique. For example, if you are on a bus and someone slips while stepping off because it’s raining. You can share an inside joke with a complete stranger at their stop. As the stranger is exiting, you can say, “watch your step,” and the two of you will laugh.

My suggestion: “He understands every inside joke!”

Bad Fact 2:

“His small talk has altered foreign policy.” This isn’t anything new; small talk is how foreign policy gets worked out. Things get done when the big wigs have a couple minutes of down time and they let down their guards. Also, you put a couple Presidential aides in a room together and they’ll start chatting it up and foreign policy will be altered.  (Initially, I spelled it “Presidential Aids.” That would be something completely different; I would guess JFK and Clinton may know something about that!)

My suggestion: “His pillow talk has altered foreign policy!”

Bad Fact 3:

“His shirts never wrinkle.” Big whoop! Anyone can walk into Macy’s and buy a wrinkle free shirt.

My suggestion: “The steam from his body heat removes the wrinkles from his shirts, and they always smell April fresh!”

Bad Fact 4:

“He is left-handed. And right-handed.” We have a word for this; ambidextrous. There is nothing unique about being ambidextrous; you can’t read through a baseball lineup without seeing at least one switch hitter!

My suggestion: “He writes right-handed with his left hand!”

Bad Fact 5:

“He owns three sports cars and rents five.” This isn’t interesting. It’s just dumb. Who the hell owns three sports cars then rents more? Unless an owner of sports cars goes on vacation and rents sports cars; not unique! This fact just makes our beloved Dos Equis guy seem like a douche.

My suggestion: “When he rents a sports car, the company pays him for insurance!”

Bonus Bad Fact:

“He built a city out of blocks.” That’s pretty much how cities are built; one block at a time. I hope the ad people aren’t under the impression that Rome was built in a day!

My suggestion: “He built an indestructible  cardboard city for the homeless; 6 million residents live there!”

     I hope these were entertaining! Stay Thirsty My Friends!

@PeteTeix617

90’s Tweets

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

These are five sample tweets I would have sent, had Twitter existed in the 90’s. I’ll only limit the list to five because I could probably go on forever and that would be pointless! I just think the idea lends itself to some funny tweets.

I will also post one response that I would have received for each tweet!

 

<I>

@Randomfriend About to call your crib. Pick up cause I banged your mom last night and I don’t feel like talking to her! #HousePhone

@PeteTeix617 HA HA! I’m showing my mom this tweet. #LastLaugh

 

<II>

I’m so upset with Buddy for what he did today, on Charles In Charge. #DoucheBestFriend

@PeteTeix617 Nicole Eggert is hot! #WhyIWatch

<III>

Say don’t you know no gooooooooood! #Martin

@PeteTeix617 LMFAO! That episode was funny as shit. #IJustWannaFinishMySong

<IV>

I’m thinking of running for class president, but I gotta find a Lewinski first! #Looking4aGirlWithABlueDress

@PeteTeix617 Who the hell saves a jizz soaked dress? #SuperFreak

<V>

I don’t know about Forest Gump, but those BAYWATCH chicks be RUNNIN’! #Watching

@PeteTeix617 Hell Yeah! Those producers are geniuses. #BayWatching

<BONUS>

You won’t believe this! Sixteen year-old Oregon girl just had a baby. #FuckingCrazy

@PeteTeix617 I just grabbed the paper; I can’t believe it either. #WrapItUp

 

Feel free to take this idea and run with it!

@PeteTeix617

This Actually Happened – June 23rd, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Nonsensical Ticket

These are one of those stories that are great, unless you are the unlucky shmuck involved. For the rest of my time on this planet, I will forever remember the City of Temple City as the place where dumb happens. (I know calling the place “The City of Temple City” seems redundant, but that is exactly how the ticket reads!) “Why?” You ask. I’ll tell you; because whoever is in charge of this unnecessary place is a jerk. His police officers are also jerks. The only reason I went to this place of dumb was for work. I pulled into a parking lot, which was seventy-five percent empty, of a supermarket and found an empty space. After completing my duties, I hopped into the car and drove away. A few seconds later, I noticed a pink piece of paper flapping from the windshield wiper. At first I thought it was a flyer for some local business, but I was wrong; it was a parking ticket. How the hell did I get a parking ticket? I was in a freaking parking lot! I pulled over and removed the ticket from the windshield. That’s when I was completely dumbfounded. The violation, in the City of Temple City, was for breaking the “no back-in parking” rule. That’s right; it is illegal to park with the front of your car facing out. Apparently, someone decided that it was safer to have people back out of their respective spaces, rather than drive forward. The worst part is, I didn’t back into the space; the freaking parking lot was basically desolate so I was able to pull into the space, driving forward. I’m probably going to write a letter to the parking authority in the City of Temple City. The letter will be laced with sarcasm and will probably not reduce the $55 charge. Yeah, back-in parking costs fifty five bucks in the City of Temple City. The way I see it, I learned that the City of Temple City is definitely in running for being named the dumbest city on the planet; I only had to pay fifty five American buckaroos! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Fuck the City of Temple City!

@PeteTeix617

Inside The Numbers

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

In my previous post, I mentioned Jerry DeWitt. He is the first graduate of the Clergy Project. The purpose of the organization is to assist ranking members of religious institutions, from all faiths, with their transition to the real world. Apparently, there are many people who are leading double lives. These men and women preach to their respective faiths by day, but are atheists by night. (I had no idea!)

When I stop to think about it, I shouldn’t be surprised; I believe the more someone learns about religion, the closer the individual will move towards atheism. If you have a desire to learn more about the organization, or feel an obligation to help out your religious leader, here is the website! The Clergy Project

It’s great to see religious leaders staying true to themselves and leaving their faiths. It’s one thing for people to have faith, but convincing others of something that you don’t believe in, seems pretty evil. I may be wrong but this may be the beginning of a major exodus from religion to atheism. (The future is looking bright!)

To me, the most interesting comment I heard came from Jerry DeWitt. He wondered if the Pope was an atheist. At first, the question seems ridiculous, but after giving the matter some thought I realized that the Pope may indeed be an atheist. Honestly, the entire College of Cardinals may be made up of atheists. In fact, I think everyone is an atheist, deep down inside. People are just too afraid to face reality.

The biggest enemy of faith is and will always be reason. Faith and Reason have never been able to get along.

“Why?” You ask. It all started when they were children.

Faith and Reason grew up in the same neighborhood and attended the same high school. For years, Faith was bullied by Reason. Each day, Faith would attempt to find a new route to school in order to escape the torment, but Reason always found his little buddy and made life a living hell.

The bullying continued while the two were in high school, but the situation was not typical. This was not your basic dumb jock taking out his frustrations on the school nerd; Reason is a genius and Faith is a complete imbecile.

When asked about his son’s grades, Faith’s dad said, “my son ain’t know much about no fancy book learning.”

It was no surprise when Faith failed to graduate. In fact, his mother once said, “he has about a dead rooster’s chance of winning a cock fight!”

Reason, on the other hand, went on to great success after college. He’s a multi-Billionaire who hangs out with the Dos Equis man!

Faith was a horrible student, but he went on to acquire great wealth. He became a con man and spent his Sunday’s manipulating people out of their hard-earned money. The two have never been able to become friends because faith knows that Reason has the ability to shine a light on his scam. (Faith is a complete asshole!)

     Now that you understand why Reason is the enemy of Faith, let’s take a journey inside the numbers.

***I found these numbers online and they may not be accurate. It doesn’t really matter, I only need an estimate. I’m only going to focus on the five major religions, excluding the traditional Chinese religion. (400 Million)***

World Population: 6.9 Billion

Christianity: 2.5 Billion

Islam: 1.6 Billion

Buddhism: 400 Million

Judaism: 14.5 Million

Hinduism: 1 Billion

Atheists: 150 Million

Both Buddhism and Hinduism have many deities and are different from the each other and the other three faiths. This difference makes it impossible for the two faiths to be real; at least one has to be complete bull manure. Judaism, Christianity, and Islam disagree on prophets but all three religions share the same “god,” so we can bunch them together.

Basically, there are three different “god” systems and they cannot all co-exist. We are left with at least two major systems, with millions of followers, which are completely wrong. Let’s assume that the “god” of the Bible and Quran is real. That would mean that Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and the earth’s remaining population are wrong. In this example, the numbers reveal that 4 Billion people failed to accept “god.” (This is the best case scenario for faith and I bunched in three different religions in an effort to increase the numbers!)

If atheists are right, that would mean that ninety percent of the world’s population believes in complete nonsense. (How the hell did this happen?)

Attempting to convince a believer that atheists are right is like sending someone into the jungle and telling them to explain to an indigenous person, who believes that the earth is stationary, about the solar system and how the earth is orbiting the sun and spinning on its axis. You can talk about all the scientific facts you want, but when he asks you why the two of you are not moving, there is no chance of enlightening the ignorant. (Good luck with that!)

Believers can thank their “god” that all this reason nonsense is meaningless. (Keep treading blindly!)

@PeteTeix617

Twitter Is Back To Being Fun

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

When I first signed up for Twitter, I found the site to be a great place to read random unfiltered comments from funny people. Sadly, things changed and the site became a place where one can actually witness society’s downward spiral; reverse evolution is real. (There was a time when self-respect was important!)

Scrolling down through my old timeline was an adventure down heard it before lane. All I read were tweets about hating one’s job and looking forward to days off in order to party. I may be out of touch, but I’m pretty sure there is a lot more to life than drinking and smoking marijuana. (By the way, if you don’t live in a state with legal medical marijuana, you probably shouldn’t tweet about your illegal drug use!)

Furthermore, it shocks me that most of the worst offenders are so called believers. These degenerates must think their “all-knowing lord” is incapable of reading their tweets. Obviously, there is no need for anyone to panic because we all know that there is no “god;” feel free to continue the tomfoolery. (Just be advised that Twitter is nothing like Vegas; what happens there will follow you for the rest of your lives!)

In an effort to improve my Twitter experience. I decided to follow some atheists. Boy was that the right move. I can now scroll through my timeline and find examples of people who actually get it. (It’s quite refreshing!)

I thought I kicked the habit!

     It was great to follow Jerry DeWitt, who is the first graduate of a project which helps religious leaders leave their respective faiths, once they arrive at the realization that “god” doesn’t exist. Jerry served as a Pentecostal minister for 25 years in Louisiana before becoming an atheist. (The great thing about Twitter is the ability to tweet back and forth with anyone!)

***I suggest following Jerry: @jerry_dewitt***

     Another person I enjoy following is @SexySkeptic. Not only is she knowledgeable, but she’s also attractive. “How hot?” You ask.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating a bag of chips without a napkin!

Who knows? Maybe one day I will meet a nice atheist woman to settle down and start a family. We could produce intelligent atheist offspring and maybe a couple dogs. (Just kidding about the dogs; children are enough of a responsibility!)

I can picture it now. My wife and I would send our first born, a boy named RePete, to the finest Parochial school in the country. Understandably, RePete would refuse to conform to the mandatory prayer demands from the faculty, which would eventually spark a massive lawsuit. (I would continue with this storyline, but that life seems like it would suck and I definitely wouldn’t force my child to attend a school which teaches about a mythical fatherly wizard and his magician son who could outperform Chris Angel any day of the week!)

To be honest, my preference would not be to date an atheist. I’d much rather find a woman who is extremely religious. I’m talking about a woman who has trouble sleeping because as she puts it, “tonight is the night that I will share Jesus’ suffering and experience the stigmata!” (She wouldn’t be crazy; just religious!)

“Hey, what’s the difference between crazy and religious?” You wonder.

     FAITH!

I’d also want the woman’s parents to be religious freaks. (I’m not talking about amateur porn stars who dress up in priest and nun outfits!) When I say religious freaks, I mean people who meet with the priest in the church’s media room in order to go over film of the mornings’ proceedings. (I haven’t been to church in a while; people do that, right?)

The reason I’d prefer to marry a religious woman is solely for the purpose of creating a never-ending awkward situation. Her parents will think that I am a worthy suitor, except for the fact that I am an atheist. It will just eat at him each and every moment until he finally gives in and accepts his little atheist grandchildren. The best perk would be the ability to teach RePete (Yeah, that name is definitely happening!) to tease his grandfather about his faith. (Why else would anyone want children?)

Each time we visited my future in-laws, RePete would ask his granddad to tell him one of his great Jesus the magician stories!

I know all this talk about RePete may cause people to assume that I want children, but I don’t! (To read why, click the link: You Can Keep Your Legacy.)

Romance talk aside, Jerry DeWitt posted a tweet that intrigued me. I followed the link to an interesting article, which I will discuss tomorrow!

@PeteTeix617

The Dumbest Question Ever

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

For almost three centuries, students have been baffled by the dumbest question known to man. Philosophy professors waste valuable instructional time attempting to stump wannabe-Aristotles by asking the “unsolvable” question.

“Which question are you referring to?” I’ll tell you!

Obviously, I’m talking about, “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it; does it make a sound?” I can’t believe entire periods, in some cases a week’s worth of class time, is wasted on such nonsense. (Seriously, college courses are freaking expensive!)

People over-think this question as if it is actually challenging. Some have gone as far as to question whether or not something can be considered a sound if no one hears it. Some have questioned whether sound exists, or if it is something that the mind creates after viewing an event. (The bullshit gets pretty deep; watch your step!)

The greatest philosophical minds seem to all arrive at the same conclusion; we may never know the answer to this great query. I completely disagree. These philosophers need to get their heads out of their asses. If you really want to know the answer to this thought-provoking question, ask anyone who has lived on this planet or longer than three years and the riddle will be solved. (It’s really that simple!)

I’m here to end the consternation. The answer is YES, the tree will make a fucking sound. Not only will the tree make a sound, it will be a loud and recognizable sound. There is a distinct noise that accompanies any tree-falling incident. You can actually throw a rock into a crowd and hit any random person, above the age of three, who will be able to pick the sound out of a sound police line-up. Even if the line-up consisted of a thousand sounds, the person will have no problem distinguishing the tree-falling sound from the others.

There are many ways to go about proving the distinctness of the tree-falling sound. I decided to go with the homeless test. “What the hell is the homeless test?” It’s exactly what it sounds like. I drove through Downtown Los Angeles, in the middle of the night, and selected a random homeless guy and asked him if he could identify a sound for me. Initially, he refused and told me to “go fuck yourself!” I was unrelenting in my pursuit of the truth so I pulled out some spare change and dropped it into his cup. Unfortunately, the cup was full of some soup that he had to wait in line at a local shelter to receive. Needless to say, I got the hell out of there before he had a chance to react! (To the homeless guy, I’m sorry for ruining your dinner!)

The incident was a setback, but I did not give up. I drove two more blocks, made a right turn and found another homeless guy. (If there is one thing that Downtown LA will never run out of, it’s homeless people!) After some tough negotiating, I paid the man our agreed upon wage of two dollars and thirty seven cents. (I think I could have bargained him down a few more pennies, but oh well; these things happen!) I pulled out my trustee boom box and placed the cassette tape, of nature sounds, inside. (I’m old school!) Immediately, the man jumped out of his cardboard hut and proclaimed, “that’s a motherfucking tree, falling in the mother fucking forest; that’s my final answer Regis!”

“Correct you are, kind sir! Thanks for your time!” I replied.

There you have it; the sound is unmistakable. After a few minutes of explaining that I was not Regis Philbin and this was not Slum Dog Millionaire LA, the man went back into his fortified home and I drove off. Riddle solved! Please be advised, if you decide to ask a three year old this question, he or she may call you a dumbass for your inability to arrive at the obvious conclusion. (I’m here to save you from having to witness a three year hold lose respect for you. Don’t be a dumbass!)

How much of a dumbass do you have to be to happen upon this and ask, “I wonder if this tree made a sound when it fell?”

     George Berkley has been credited with inspiring Charles Mann and George Twiss to create this “Great Philosophical Riddle,” so to those guys I say, the three of you were a trio of dumbasses! (I’m not certain, but I think George W. Bush was named after one of these Georges instead of after his dad!)

Actually, I’m probably wrong about this being the dumbest question ever since I adhere to the old adage, “there is no such thing as a dumb question, just dumb people who ask questions!”

@PeteTeix617