The Most Unnecessary Location from August 18th.
*****POST NUMBER 300*****
Writing these posts feels nothing like fighting in a war!
Thank you to all the people who take a few minutes out of their porn surfing sessions to read my posts!
Dumb & Dumber
In an effort to protect the imbeciles, the names have been changed. I feel it is appropriate to call the gentlemen, Harry and Lloyd, in honor of the characters from the movie DUMB AND DUMBER. I’m not completely certain but before they left the apartment I think I overheard Harry say to Lloyd, “when are we gonna catch a break!” This incident happened on April 19th, 2012. I was unable to join the group because I had to work in the morning. The gang decided to eat at Hooters in Hollywood. While walking the boulevard, a large bus filled with hot women pulled up and the hottest starlet stepped out and approached Lloyd. She asked, “Excuse me, do you know what street this is?” Lloyd was enamored with the beauty and he noticed the many splendors aboard the bus; he replied, “It’s Figueroa.” The young woman stared at Lloyd; her inviting eyes were waiting for him to make a move. Lloyd looked as if he was about to make a move, but he failed to do so. Instead, he turned and began to walk away from the stunned magnificence. His left foot led, followed by his right. Just when the onlookers believed that he was a lost cause, something magical happened within those two steps. It was a moment of clarity. Lloyd couldn’t pass up this opportunity. He turned with the confidence of a poor Haitian boy during a math test, pointed to the hot girl, and stated, ”Figueroa near Hooters!” (Hold on a second, “poor Haitian boy during a math test?” That’s not the stereotype!) The young woman couldn’t believe what she was hearing. This clueless halfwit didn’t even make an attempt to get on the bus. At the exact moment that Lloyd began to walk away for a second time, my slumber was disturbed. I woke up in a cold sweat and heard a faint voice, off in the distance. The voice trailed off before I could hear the last portion but I did catch the beginning. I heard, “Wow! Two lucky guys are gonna be driving around with those girls…” The following morning, Harry reported that he was unhappy with the breast size of the Hooters girls. After hearing this tale, I’m guessing he thought they were too big! I did not witness this event, but the story has been confirmed by reliable sources! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!
Again, thanks to everyone who continues to read my posts!
Good luck to the Denver Broncos in this weekend’s NFL draft. (Just kidding! We have Peyton Manning!)
The National Geographic Channel has one of the best shows on television; Locked Up Abroad. Although I like watching, I had to get over the initial disappointment of learning that the show was not about crazy men who hold women hostage in their basements. (I’m not saying it’s right for men to act in such a manner, but I wouldn’t mind getting a behind the scenes look into the mind of a psycho!)
Usually, I feel pretty bad for the individual who suffers through one of these tales, because the stories are pretty horrifying. I understand that these people only have themselves to blame, but some of the foreign governments cross the line.
The new season premiered last night and I have to say that the guy was a complete idiot. The man was from Los Angeles and he agreed to smuggle some leather goods from Turkey in order to avoid paying the import fees. His first run was successful and he eventually agreed to travel to Pakistan for some more “leather goods.”
Of course, the suitcase contained drugs and the man was arrested at customs. For the first time, I didn’t feel bad for the guy. For one, he was a dumbass for not figuring out that he was transporting drugs. Another reason is the fact that he fought with the guards after one guy joked that he was going to be hanged. He ended up barricading himself in one of the interrogation rooms until he heard the voice of an American DEA official who convinced him to open the door.
The guy then went to jail and decided to fight with all of the prisoners after they taunted him for being an American. He even ended up throwing one guy off of a balcony. I seriously think this jerk watched too many action films while growing up. He was certainly abiding by the WWRD. (What Would Rambo Do!)
It seems like this guy was the cause of his own suffering; he continued to make matters worse for himself. The real reason I didn’t like this guy is the fact that he purposely remained in jail over pride. (What a douche!)
After almost two years in prison, his lawyer gave him the option to earn his freedom. All he had to do was plead guilty and pay the judge an “under-the-table” one thousand dollar fine and he would have been released in four months. Most people would have jumped at the opportunity but not this “Prideful Patriot.” This idiot decided that “my pride is worth a lot more than my freedom!” (Who does this jackass think he is?)
First of all, he was guilty. He showed up to the airport with a bag full of illegally imported leather goods and drugs. Those are the facts. Everyone knows that you don’t show up to the airport with luggage that you did not pack yourself; for Pete’s sake, it’s the first question they ask!
Secondly, who gives a shit about pride in this situation? He is in a foreign country with an ancient judicial system which has a specific hatred towards American citizens; swallow your pride and get the hell out of there, dumbass!
This was the first time that I watched an episode and actually felt sad to see the “locked-up-abroadee” find freedom. I didn’t like the cut of this man’s jib and I wanted him to stay for a few more years. (I am not about that G.I. JOE life!)
This dude is definitely about that life.
If he looks familiar, it’s because he was one of the muscle-heads in the movie, Dude, Where’s My Car?
This jerk’s pride makes me think that he probably didn’t do half of the things that he claims. After all, he can make up whatever he wants. The truth is he probably fabricated most of the details. I hope the rest of the season isn’t filled with prideful douches! Locked Up Abroad is supposed to be about greedy people who turn to the wrong side of the law and pay a great deal for their poor decisions. It’s not supposed to be about wanna be Rambo assholes, who add on to their jail time by attempting daring feats of bravery dumbassness against prison guards.
There aren’t many things in this world that shock me, but I was floored by what occurred at the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Sunday April 22nd. Ron Artest (I refuse to call him that nonsense that he created!) lost his freaking mind and assaulted Oklahoma City’s James Harden.
Not only was the act a criminal one, but Artest’s actions were cowardly. An unaware James Harden was blind-sided by an elbow to the head which was clearly thrown with the intent to decapitate. I can’t even watch the video anymore because it is unbelievable that Harden didn’t suffer brain damage. I honestly don’t know how he walked away with only a mild concussion. (That guy is one lucky fella!)
NBA commissioner David Stern finally handed out the punishment for Artest’s unwarranted attack. The lunatic was suspended for seven games, and it appears that the Los Angeles county prosecutor will not pursue criminal charges. (What a shame!)
Many people may believe that the punishment fit the crime, but I strongly disagree. Artest should have been suspended for the 2012 playoffs along with the entire 2013 season. (If Stern decided to ban him for life, I would have agreed with the decision!)
Basketball is a sport. There is no place for thugs. There are impressionable children who love the sport and allowing Artest to get away with (attempted) murder is sending the wrong message. If this incident occurred in any other workplace, the offender would have been terminated on the spot, and criminal charges would have been pursued.
Obviously, Ron Artest does not understand that playing in the NBA is a privilege. The best players in the world compete at the highest level and fans watch to see athletes not gladiators. The NFL got it right; New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton oversaw an organization which placed bounties on opposing players. Payton was suspended for a year. (Hey Stern, I think it’s time to give NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a call!)
Ron Artest thanked his therapist after he won the NBA Championship. It appears that he may need a few more hours of therapy because he clearly has many more demons lurking inside of his cranium. If anyone knows Ron, please inform him that I am available to help him with his problems. I’ll even work at the discounted rate of $650/hour. (I must also request that Mr. Artest is restrained in the same manner as Dr. Hannibal Lecter in the movie The Silence of the Lambs!)
No Ron, I haven’t seen your baseball!
The Good Die Young from October 12th.
Here is a list of some random facts that I learned during my time on earth. Each year, i learned one new thing. There is no method to my madness. If I think of it, I will write it. (I’ll probably have to censor some things because some of the things I come up with may be a bit much for some people!)
<BONUS> April is the greatest month!
Hopefully, I will learn one more fact in the next 365 days!
Some people believe that thirty-three is old. To those people I say, you probably won’t live to see thirty-three; GOOD LUCK!
This challenge began with a simple encounter. “What challenge are you referring to?” Read this post to catch up to speed: A Challenge.
It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles (When isn’t it a beautiful day in LA!) so I decided to go for a walk. The calendar app in my phone showed that it was April 4th, to be exact. I turned the corner and saw a glorious vision; with the sun beating down on me, I could only make out a silhouette. Standing in front of an open garage door was what appeared to be a sculpture of a Greek goddess, carved out by Leonardo Da Vinci himself.
Not like this…
I have to admit, I was a bit intimidated; it’s not every day that one happens upon such a beauty. I did my best not to make a fool of myself and continued to approach the home. I didn’t know what to say; I wasn’t even sure I should bother attempting to court this stunning mortal. Thankfully, I didn’t have to make the first move. She sauntered to the end of her driveway and each step caused my heart to beat faster. She was even more exquisite than I originally believed.
The conversation seemed like a dream. It was as if I was outside of my body and I was watching the two of us talk. She turned out to be an easy going young lady, who agreed to “get together for some fun.”
Her name is Crayon Dynasty. She is a child of divorce who lives with a single mother. Crayon Dynasty’s father is an A-list celebrity, which is why she has such a ridiculous name. Her mother doesn’t work because she receives a king’s ransom in alimony payments.
That night, I sat on the couch and made a decision; I would give “god” one final chance to prove his existence. I often read Facebook posts from people who feel the need to thank “god” for all everything that he has done for them, so I decided it was my turn. I wanted to share in the good graces of the lord.
The Challenge was simple. I gave “god” two weeks to help me sleep with Crayon Dynasty. He had until April 17th to prove that he is indeed all powerful and good. If the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I would know, once and for all, that “god” does not exist.
To be fair, I made the decision to study the bible in order to learn exactly what I was required to do. The way I saw it, “god” only helps those who follow the holy book, so I knew I had to study; I had to study more than I ever studied before. It was my duty to understand how the lord works in order to do what I needed to do to allow him to help me. I read every page of the bible and I even reread the really good books. (You know the ones I’m talking about!) I was doing my part, but nothing was happening.
I met Crayon Dynasty at a local restaurant for dinner and drinks, and although she was inebriated, she declined an offer to return to my place. Most men would have been deterred by such a response, but I saw it at a good sign; this girl was a “good girl;” I would not be in danger of contracting the AIDS.
Crayon Dynasty had to be properly wooed if I was to bed her.
Each day, I reinvented myself. I studied the bible in the morning and did my best to make Crayon Dynasty fall in love with me. I pulled out all the stops, but she refused to engage in sexual intercourse.
It was time for desperate measures. I cooked dinner for her and her mother, Jill. I met with her father and did my bet to convince him that I was the man for his daughter. It worked! Crayon Dynasty was impressed, but there was no sex on the champagne room.
I was at my wits end. I did everything required of me, but the result I needed continued to evade me. This could only mean one thing; there is no “god!” That can’t be right. I had to keep trying. (Quitting is only for people who smoke cigarettes!)
An hour before midnight, I shifted into genius mode. I went through my bible notes and read over my favorite passages; there had to be something that I overlooked.
“And when the Lord, your God, delivers it into your hand, put every male to the sword; but the women and children and livestock and all else in it that is worth plundering you may take as your booty, and you may use this plunder of your enemies which the Lord, your God, has given you.” – Deuteronomy 20:13-14
No, this quote doesn’t have anything to do with my wish. First of all, I don’t have any enemies and I don’t want to plunder any cities.
“Lo the day shall come for the Lord when the spoils shall be divided in your midst. And I will gather all the nations against Jerusalem for battle: the city shall be taken, houses plundered, women ravished…” Zechariah 14:1-2
It seems like I’m getting closer, but I’m still not finding the answer that I am looking for. I must keep searching!
“They must be dividing the spoil they took: there must be a damsel or two for each man…” Judges 5:30
This isn’t it either. Wait one minute…what is this?
Eureka! I got it.
I turned to the clock; it was 11:40pm. Being on the Pacific coast provided me with three extra hours and I was going to make them count. I only had twenty minutes. I grabbed my keys, my bible, and bolted out the door. I briskly walked to her house and rang the doorbell. Crayon Dynasty’s mother came to the door.
Me: “Jill, is Crayon Dynasty home?”
Jill: “Yes, she’s in her room.”
Me: “I was reading through the bible and there is something that I have to show her. Is it ok for me to go upstairs?”
Jill: “Of course. Go right on up.”
I ran up to her room and knocked on the door; Crayon Destiny invited me in.
Me: “This is going to be the best birthday present ever!”
Crayon Destiny: “What are you talking about?”
Without saying a word, I moved the dresser in front of the door and I took her by force. She screamed and yelled for her mother to help, but there was nothing that could be done; I took what was rightfully mine. I took what the lord wanted me to have.
After a long thirty seven seconds of ecstasy, the deed was done; I had ravished her. I dismounted the damsel and put on my clothing. I moved the dresser and allowed Jill to enter the room. The two women wanted an explanation for my actions and I was prepared. I opened up my bible and read through selected verses.
“Here is the most important verse of all. ‘If a man comes upon a maiden that is not betrothed, takes her and has relations with her, and their deed is discovered, the man who had relations with her shall pay the girl’s father fifty silver shekels and take her as his wife…’ – Deuteronomy 22:28-29 I was looking for answers in all the wrong places. I expected for ‘god’ to do all of the work for me, but I finally figured out how prayer works. If not for the bible, I would have never understood the positive power of rape. Thanks be to ‘god’!”
Jill: “I understand. What happened today was beyond the scope of what we can understand. This act was a blessing from the lord himself; your future is set. “God’s” will has been done!”
Me: “Almost. Do you see? God wants us to get married and he laid out the plans for me. All I have to do now is pay your father fifty shekels and we can get married. This is a joyous day!”
Crayon Dynasty: “These tears that I cry are tears of joy! What did I do to deserve this!”
“God” is good! Our “god” is an awesome “god!”
I don’t like the fact that “god’s” existence is something that can be questioned. Human beings should be able to come to an agreement on this issue. Since my birthday is fast approaching, I created a challenge which will help to answer the question, once and for all.
I wanted to attend mass today in order to get a better understanding of the lord’s book, but I forgot the location of the church so that didn’t happen. This was a major blow to my research, but I knew I had the skills to study and decipher the world’s bestselling NOVEL for myself.
I will be able to know, for certain, whether or not there is a “god,” and the results will be posted on my birthday. In my research, I discovered some interesting “FACTS.”
Here is one that may be of interest to anyone looking for cheap labor:
“Slaves, male and female, you may indeed possess, provided you buy them from among the neighboring nations. You may also buy them from among the aliens who reside with you and from their children who are born and reared in your land. Such slaves you may own as chattels, and leave to your sons as their hereditary property, making them perpetual slaves.” – Leviticus 25: 44-46
I don’t know what everyone else has planned, but I’m trying to decide if I want my slaves to come from Canada or Mexico. I’ll keep everyone posted! I wonder if Geico, State Farm, or Allstate provides slave insurance. (I love this “good” book!)
**LET ME KNOW IF ANYONE WANTS TO GO HALVES ON A COUPLE PEOPLE!**
Please practice religion responsibly; we wouldn’t want any innocent people getting killed!