Monthly Archives: March 2012

This Actually Happened – March 31, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Big Disappointment

I’m sure anyone who lived on this planet anywhere other than seven miles under the ocean, heard about Dan Brown’s bestselling novel, The Da Vinci Code. I had an idea for my own novel and I didn’t want to be influenced by Brown’s book, so I put off reading his tome until after my work was completed. Once I finished my manuscript, I had many projects and never got around to reading Brown’s book. Luckily for me, I finally bought my own copy; a special edition. Not only do I have the novel, but one may call me a thief once I reveal the purchase price. I only paid one dollar and fifty cents. “Come again?” Yes, you read that correctly; I bought the book for a buck-fifty. “Where, you may ask?” At the best place to buy books; a true treasure hunter’s dream; a thrift store. Los Angeles has many thrift stores and I have been cleaning up. I purchased several bestsellers for less than two dollars. Apparently, I’m not the only one who knows this fact. The other day, I had some time to kill and I walked into a thrift store and met a lady who was also perusing the book section. We had a pleasant conversation and shared some trade secrets. In an effort to thank the wonderful people who continue to read my blog, I decided to let the cat out of the bag. (I don’t like the last phrase. Why the hell wouldn’t someone let the cat out of a bag unless the person comes from the Michael Vick pet owners association!) A few days ago, I was grocery shopping and it just so happened that there was a thrift store in the same strip mall as the supermarket. I walked in and found what I thought was another steal. Boy was I wrong! I have been a big fan of Stephen King movies, but sadly, I never read any of his novels. I did read his book on writing called On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. The book provided some great tips and contained a lot of Mr. King’s life experiences. I thoroughly enjoyed reading his work and I made it a personal goal to read one of his novels as soon as humanly possible. On Thursday, I had some free-time and I decided to read Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game. I can’t describe the excitement I felt before reading my first King novel. Boy was I disappointed; the book was filled with way too much descriptive writing and I slept my way through it. I haven’t been that bored since the time I volunteered to count how many grains of rice come in a twenty-five pound bag of jasmine rice. (17863 to be exact. You can count it if you like!) I read some of the reviews on line and found that other readers shared my experience so I plan on reading another King book soon in order to rid my mind of the last novel. I think I’m going with 1408, since I already purchased the book. If I find it to be a bore, I will not be reading anymore Stephen King novels! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

A Must Not Buy

(Great bed-time story for insomniacs; it will put you right out!)

Do yourselves a favor and go grab some books at a thrift store. Just be careful when purchasing steamy romance novels. You never know what the previous owner was doing with their other hand while going over the intimate details! Sorry for planting that visual in your head. ENJOY!

@PeteTeix617

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Good Hood, Bad Hood

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Recent events have brought up an important question. ARE HOODIES GOOD?

     In an effort to arrive at a conclusion, I will post various pictures of hoods along with whether or not I feel the hood is good or bad. You can decide for yourselves.

(1)

Darth Maul

BAD

 

(2)

Grim reaper

BAD

 

(3)

Lindsey Lohan

BAD INFLUENCE

 

(4)

Frodo Baggins

GOOD

 

(5)

Obi-Wan Kenobi

GOOD

 

(6)

Baby

GOOD

 

(7)

Little red riding hood

GOOD

 

(8)

Happy Panda Kids

MORE CUTE THAN GOOD

 

(9)

Ku Klux Klan

MORE IGNORANT THAN BAD

 

(10)

Dalai Lama

GOOD

 

(11)

Lady Gaga

WEIRDLY GOOD

 

(12)

Mother Theresa

WAS GOOD

 

(13)

The Pope

INFALLIBLY GOOD

 

(14)

Random Woman

NOTHING BAD ABOUT THIS

 

(15)

Scream

BAD

 

(16)

Jesus

NOT AS GOOD AS TEBOW

 

(17)

Robin Hood

GOOD INTENTIONS

 

(18)

Virgin Mary

GOOD, IF YOU BUY HER RIDICULOUS STORY

 

(19)

Rihanna

BAD HIT

 

(20)

Victoria’s Secret Model

LOOKS GOOD

 

(21)

Whitney Houston

EXPIRED, BUT WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

 

(22)

Bill Belichick

EVIL

 

(23)

Another Victoria’s Secret Model

GOOD GIRL GONE BAD


(24)

Hood Milk

GOOD FOR YOU

 

(25)

Clitoral Hood

MY FAVORITE

 

     Although there were some great examples of good hoods, I conclude that hoods are BAD! (Except for 25)

     Please think for yourselves. Don’t allow my opinion to influence your conclusion.

@PeteTeix617

Just As I Expected

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

When I first heard about the Trayvon Martin case, I immediately assumed someone somewhere blew the story out of proportion and created another Facebook trendy thing to post.

I did my best to ignore the case, but people continued to write about this kid and they posted ridiculous pictures on their pages. Enough is enough I thought. I decided to see what all the fuss was about.

Fact: Racism exists. Fact: The Trayvon Martin story is not the same as the Emmett Till case. Emmett Till grew up in a racist, segregated society and he was murdered simply because of his race. Trayvon Martin is no Emmett Till. Hypothesis: Trayvon Martin probably died justifiably. (According to Florida Law!)

People are quick to jump to the race card and scream to the Heavens (The Heavens is a mythical place where the imaginary father figure to billions of humans resides!) about an injustice. I understand that racism is alive and well, but I am certain that I do not live in 1960’s America. Therefore, when I heard about a young black kid who was killed in cold blood by a racist white guy, for no apparent reason, I didn’t believe the hype.

When people started with this hoody nonsense, I immediately knew that there was more to the story, but I honestly didn’t care; I have goals to accomplish and I can’t waste time on falsified claims. I did my best to ignore the story, but there was no escaping the media coverage. Yesterday, this Trayvon Trend reached a new low. There was a picture of a half-naked whore dressed in a hoody, I guess, showing her support! (By media, I mean Facebook friend posts!)

First, there was some nonsensical million hoody march in New York. (I think that’s what I read!) Then, our leader, President Obama joined in and said the most insignificant political bullshit that the American public eats up. “If I had a son, he would look like Trayvon.” Obama shared. (I almost cried!)

Today, I reached my breaking point. Some dumbass elected official (I will not waste time researching this man’s name, because he does not deserve to receive any notoriety for his unbelievably foolish action!) decided to wear a hoody in the House of Representatives. (Hopefully, this guy loses his job due to his lack of better judgment, but as another elected official once said, “You don’t have to pass an IQ exam to be elected!”)

I finally decided to read about the case. I do not have all of the facts, but there is enough evidence to show that, like I believed initially, Trayvon may have been killed according to Florida law. In no way am I agreeing with the law, I am simply saying that people have to understand the laws of the land and act accordingly.

I don’t live in the state of Florida, but I remember when this law was enacted. I read the story and I honestly thought that Floridians are insane. In Florida, it is important to conduct yourself in a proper manner because people have guns and they are allowed to shoot you dead.

I didn’t immediately eliminate race as a factor in the case, but I knew there was no way in hell that a man could kill an innocent seventeen year-old because he had on a hoody. This could not happen in my America. I’m not saying that there aren’t any crazy people in this country who will kill over race, but the person would be arrested. Saying that Trayvon Martin was killed for wearing a hoody is an attempt to compare the struggles of the blacks of the 60’s to modern times and that is a slap in the face to the civil rights movement. (To the uninformed public opinion geniuses: Please stop writing that Trayvon Martin was killed over a bag of skittles and an iced tea; you will cause people to assume that you are an idiot!)

It turns out that the America I believe in exists. The killer, George Zimmerman, had a bloodied and broken nose, and he never left the scene. I may not be Encyclopedia Brown, but there seems to be more to this case than the Facebook sleuths initially reported. (That’s the problem with these trendy Facebook posts; the facts have to be skewed in order to cause the masses to follow!)

This is probably what happened on the night in question. Zimmerman saw Trayvon, who looked suspicious due to his hoody, and then asked him to identify himself. (I have no idea how, all of a sudden, millions of Americans are trying to act like people who wear hoodies don’t look suspicious, regardless of race! STOP THE NONSENSE!) Trayvon (a less than stellar student who has a history of suspensions) probably replied with some profanity laced, threatening speech, and a fight ensued. Zimmerman probably got punched in the nose and he decided to pull out his gun. (Skittles and iced tea had nothing to do with anything!)

The hoody on the other hand did play a role. I thought we, as a nation, agreed to be suspicious of people who wear hoodies.

How quickly we forget!

     This is why we have a justice system. We cannot allow public opinion to rule. If anyone joins forces with the “honorable Pimp” Al Sharpton in his effort to occupy Sanford, FL, I hope Zimmerman feels threatened!

Honestly, if President Barack Obama, wears a hoody in honor of Trayvon, I am moving to Mexico at the end of my lease.

@PeteTeix617

Laptop Comedy

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

     This is my attempt to create an original stand-up comedy set. I have coined a new phrase; Laptop Comedy. (Laptop Comedy is a set that is written using a laptop and posted on a blog!)

     Originally, planned on creating a full comedy set, but then I realized that I am not even considered an amateur. I can’t just show up on the scene and put together a half hour special; who the hell do I think I am? This is a short set which will determine if I write another one of these posts in the future.  

I HOPE THIS IS ENJOYABLE!

     I will set the mood and make an immediate connection with you by opening up with your favorite song. ***Please play your favorite song now!*** (Do you feel the connection?)

First off, I’d like to thank everyone for taking the time out of their busy workday to read this entry. I hope you find the subject matter to be amusing. Wow, I didn’t even know YOU read this blog. Damn, you are amazing. Oh shit! I can’t believe you have that on. Do you not know that I can see you? (Guys, this last bit was not for you!)

I’m sorry for the delay; I was supposed to write this post a few weeks ago, but I had to take a piss. I was running home and I just couldn’t hold it. I ended up hitting the alley like Daniel Son. (If you are a rap artist, feel free to steal that line!)

There is no way anyone can tell me that Daniel son didn’t smash Ally, in the original Karate Kid.

I hate the fact that I have to say original Karate Kid. I enjoyed the new version, but I’m sick of the remakes. I feel like we are in an age of non-creative people. (Read my post on the matter to enrich your lives! Copy Cats.)

It’s ridiculous when you think about it. We have a group of people who grew up in the 80’s who are flocking to movie theaters to watch films based on their favorite cartoons. No wonder this country is going to shit; there are no more grownups. We lost an entire generation. The new age grandmothers are at the clubs backing that ass up; it’s sickening. Yet, I can’t turn away!

Here’s an obvious fact. Grandparents are not supposed to be in their late 30’s and early 40’s.

It’s crazy, but things are even crazier in Los Angeles. Just the other day, I was in a supermarket and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw this woman who had on my favorite pants; leggings. Her ass was perfect and it got better as I approached. I would post a picture of her ass, but I’m not that guy; I don’t ever bust out the creepy camera phone guy routine.

The weirdest thing happened. As I got closer, she turned to face me and I almost lost my shit. The woman was at least sixty years-old. She was a freaking mutant. A sixty year old with an eighteen year-old body; I’m sure I don’t have to elaborate on her superpowers.

“What the fuck; I almost tried to bag at your old ass.” I screamed out.

Just kidding; I wanted to holla at her, but she turned me down.

“Bitch, Lesbian!”

LA definitely takes some getting used to. Moving out here allows me to understand how someone came up with the concept of cougars. There are many old women who are actually bangable. Not where I’m from. Not In Boston! In Beantown, 80 year-old women actually look 80; some look 90.

Not in LA! Here, they have all the plastic surgery that money can buy and they are hotter than some of the young women. I most certainly get the whole Cougar Town thing. These women worship their plastic surgeons. They’re telling their “god” (If you believe in such nonsense!) thanks but no thanks with the old age thing.

In Boston Cougar Town would have been named “Vomitville or Sag City. How many guys would be looking forward to bagging a Sag City chick? I don’t think that song would be a hit. (Sag City Chicks, Sag Sag City Chicks! Eighties and a nineties chick!)

I know what most of you are thinking. This woman did not have a great ass; it was the pants. YOU WOULD BE WRONG. She had a great ass and the pants had nothing to do with it. I know many people think that magic pants make every woman’s ass look great, but we’ve all seen some examples of leggings-gone-wrong!

No my friends, this woman was the real deal. I’m almost HIV positive that she was a palates instructor, or a senior citizen fitness center staff member, or a freaking decathlete who runs marathons in her spare time. In a word, she was FIT!

I would like to apologize for spending the lion’s share of this post on an old lady’s ass. I couldn’t help it; this thing actually happened. I just talk about my experiences.

That’s all for this comedy bit. Hopefully, it was entertaining.

Until next time!

@PeteTeix617

The Best Parking Spots At The Supermarket

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I spend my workday driving to various Supermarkets in the Southern California area which clearly makes me an expert on the matter.

I am thankful for all the wonderful people who continue to visit my blog on a daily basis and this is a small token of my appreciation. Let the masses park in random spots; they will suffer the consequences. (You may want to print out this post and keep a copy in the glove box!)

When asked to name the best parking spot at the supermarket, most people will answer, “the first space, next to the entrance.”

This is a good answer, but an incorrect one. There is no one “best spot;” there are several, depending on the number of shopping cart corrals.

Before I continue, don’t be this jackass!

It’s an honest mistake to confuse the bed of this truck for a cart corral!

(This asshole’s car should not leave ding-free)

    ***Do everyone a favor and practice parking between the lines before you drive to the supermarket. If you do not live in an area with enough practice room, wake up early in the morning and get in some practice time at the local supermarket! Thanks, in advance!***

    There are different factors that go into identifying the best spot. The first step is to find one of the shopping cart corrals. Each person has a preference. I prefer to park further from the masses because I like my space and I don’t mind the longer walk. Others may hate walking, therefore preferring to choose a corral closer to the automatic doors.

Either way, the best spots are the ones that are a spot away, on either side of the corrals. Do not choose the spots which border the corrals (“A-Spots”); they are unfit for civilized people. We’ll call these spots the “B-Spots.”

A-Spots have they’re down-side. Most shoppers are too lazy to return the carts to the nearest corral, but the ones who do are careless and a stray cart may be steered into your vehicle. The B-Spot, on the other hand, is perfect.

“What makes B-Spots so great?” It’s simple. A known fact is that the average person will empty out the contents of their shopping carts into their car and then leave the cart to carry-out “god’s” will. (If you return to your vehicle and find a brand new ding on your vehicle, it is clearly “god’s” fault!)

Every spot in the lot is susceptible to these randomly discarded carts. This is the main reason why the B-Spots are so valuable. They are far enough from the corrals to avoid the returning carts, but close enough that the shopper who parks near your car will not hesitate to return the cart to the corral. You can’t lose with the B-Spots! (Trust me; I’m a certified expert whose car is completely ding-free!)

An added bonus is the fact that you will have a short walk when returning your cart to the corral. The other drivers will think that you are a great person when they see you place your cart into the designated area. (In extreme cases, you may even be invited to dinner because people love those who are considerate!)

I hope this tip will serve you well in the future! (Please be advised, parking in the G-Spots will not bring any sexual pleasure; I think!)

How to quickly pick a great shopping cart

     The best place to grab a cart is in a corral. No one wants to test drive several carts in order to find a good one. The carts near the entrance are a fifty/fifty gamble, but most of the carts in the corrals are better because someone else used the cart and pushed it all the way to the corral. If the cart had a defect, it would have been replaced. A recent study, conducted by an anonymous University suggests that corral carts are ninety percent defect free!    

***HERE IS ANOTHER GIFT***

I dare you to look at this picture and not have a great day!

THANKS FOR READING!!!

@PeteTeix617

The Drought 30

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

It is finally over! Tiger Woods is back!

     I started watching golf in the early nineties. (By watching golf, I mean playing the sport on video games!) My favorite player was always Jack “The Golden Bear” Nicklaus, and I enjoyed competing against the course and the unfortunate individuals who challenged me. (I’m kidding; I honestly don’t remember who won!)

The video games were fun times, but watching golf on television left a little to be desired. (Actually, it left a lot to be desired!) The sport was boring, and I hated the networks for taking up valuable television time with a bunch of old guys walking around a boring course. “Honestly, who the hell watches this crap?” I often yelled.

Everything changed when a young amateur named Tiger Woods competed in his first Masters. He didn’t win, but it was evident that he was a future star. I watched some of the coverage, and I slowly gained interest in the sport.

In 1997, Woods dominated at the Masters and won the Major by 12 strokes with a final score of (-18). I was hooked; I watched every second of the final day. I became a fan of the sport because of Tiger Woods and the Masters is my favorite tournament. (The fact that the Masters is held in the greatest month has nothing to do with anything; these things happen!)

I was deeply saddened when Tiger became an average golfer. I’m a big fan and it’s great to see him back to his winning ways. I’m assuming that he is also back to smashing random whores. (I apologize for calling the women who elect to sleep with Tiger Woods, whores. I’m sure they are misunderstood, and I probably don’t know them so how can I judge them? ***I was laughing out loud while typing the last statement!***)

Adultery is dumb. I’m not talking about any morality; I am simply looking at the business side of things. If a man plans on cheating on his wife, he should not get married. DIVORCE IS EXPENSIVE! (If you don’t believe me, as Kobe or Tiger!)

To read more about my thoughts on marriage, follow the link: My Proposal To Save Marriage.

Tiger played in 30 tournaments without a win. For a Woods’ fan, Sports Center was was almost unbearable. Thankfully, the golf world is back to normal. Let me see if I can remember the old adage. Behind every successful man is an infinite amount of insignificant sluts! Tiger Woods is winning! (Not in the crazy Charlie Sheen sense!)

Don’t worry, Tiger. You’re not married anymore; it’s all good!

     I don’t know about everyone else, but I’ll be tuned in for this years’ Masters.

GO TIGER!

@PeteTeix617

Second Chance Sunday {I}

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I decided to change Sunday’s post from a preview of upcoming entries to a throwback day. This has been a calculated transition in order to provide me with a free day from blogging!

***THROWBACK POST***

No Thanks from November 24th.

Enjoy the Thanksgiving Day silliness!

@PeteTeix617

This Actually Happened – March 24th, 2012

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

One Minor Step In The Right Direction

Earlier this week, I mentioned the discovery of a great Chinese takeout establishment. We returned on Friday to sample some more of the good stuff, and boy was it good. When we finished ordering, the woman asked us for our autographs. Did we get discovered? NO! We each used our debit cards and the woman needed our signatures in order to complete the transaction. Personally, I thought her quirky way of asking for our signatures was simply wonderful. We didn’t make it, yet, but we are well on our way! By the way, if you were wondering, I paid attention to the restaurants’ name; it’s called Good China! That transaction receipt is going to be worth more than the woman can imagine! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

I will be tuned-in to the NCAA tourney this weekend. I will only be a fan, because my bracket is probably the worst ever. If you made some great picks, congrats!

GO CELTICS!!!

@PeteTeix617

The Court Of Public Opinion Is Wrong Again

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

I feel the need to comment on the recent verdict. I honestly don’t know anything about the case. I don’t know the victim’s name, I don’t know the name of the man on trial, and I don’t even know what happened. From what I read on Facebook, I am guessing that some person was murdered. (Honestly, the facts don’t even matter!)

Here is what I know:

The way I see it, THE SYSTEM WORKED, and worked flawlessly. The American justice system is designed to ensure that individuals are innocent until proven guilty. The reason for this method is the inaccuracies of public opinion. Many people read a one-sided article, or listen to a one sided news report and immediately assume they know what happened. It is completely different from forming an opinion based on case fact. I’m pretty sure that all of the wonderful detectives, who practice solely on Facebook, did not sit in the courtroom and listen to all of the facts. Therefore, what you believe about the verdict means nothing to anyone. (Please keep up the great status updates!)

This place almost never gets it right!

     Our society is filled with want-to-be-underachievers. Most people complain about the things that they themselves avoid to participating in.

If you do not involve yourself in the system, you do not have a right to complain. It’s like voting; if you don’t vote, stop with the complaining.

We have created a society in which people do everything in their power to avoid serving on a jury. I sat through Civics class and I learned that serving on a jury is not only a right, but my responsibility as an American citizen. I, like most of the Facebook complainers, would not be caught dead serving on a jury. I do not have a degree in Criminal Justice and I don’t think I should decide the fate of an individual at the current juror pay rate. (Although, if they handed out stacks, I would feel more comfortable sitting through a trial and determining guilt or innocence!)

Since I channel my inner Houdini and escape jury duty by creating outlandish tales, I never complain about verdicts; I don’t participate, therefore, I don’t complain. (It’s really simple!)

***If you are one of the few American citizens who enjoys serving on the jury, you have the right to complain. You have the right to complain about the rest of us who don’t share your passion for justice!***

     The reason I say the system works perfectly, is the fact that we don’t live in North Korea. (No offense to current leader Kim Jong Un and his late father Kim Jong Il!) The United States of America allows us the opportunity to serve on the jury as free citizens. We also have the right to create an excuse as to why we do not feel like serving on the jury. The system is filled with a jury pool that mostly consists of individuals who do not have the mental fortitude to come up with a reasonable justification to be released from jury duty. DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT THESE MASTERMINDS TO MAKE INTELLIGENT DECISIONS?

Until the average American takes an active role in government, nothing will change and injustices will continue to occur. (That being said, I have no idea if the jury made the right decision because I was not in the courtroom!)

People who complain about the system are like the gang members who kill indiscriminately, and then feel as if they are victims when a close friend dies at the hands of a rival. If you are participate in drive-by shootings, you or one of your comrades will probably die at the hands of your enemies. If you can’t comprehend this fact, don’t be about that life! (Shootouts in the real world result in death; it’s not like the video games!)

To all of the people who feel an injustice has occurred, take a good look in the mirror the next time you skip out on jury duty. You have only yourselves to blame!

@PeteTeix617

Phone Folks

Posted by Peter Teixeira on

Usually, my posts are for entertainment purposes only, but there are few instances in which I feel the need to assist my fellow man. (I’m from the ‘80s, before the invention of political correctness so the word man covers both sexes!)

This post targets a specific group of people, the dumb-phonies. “Who are the dumb-phonies?” you ask. I’ll tell you!

Dumb-phonies are people who do not have smart phones. They live in a simpler world in which the information super highway is not at one’s beck and call. I dub their phones dumb, because it is politically incorrect to use the word retarded, and mentally-challenged-phonies seems a little over the top.

If you are a dumb-phonie, I am pretty sure that you may see us smart-phoners and feel a slight sense of envy, but you don’t know what our lives are like, behind closed doors. You may walk by the phone section at Best Buy, or saunter by the cell phone kiosk at your local mall, looking at the plentiful selection and dreaming of the moment when you purchase your own smart phone, but these devices have a dark side. (Don’t lose your innocence!)

My phone made me add the picture!

     Smart phones will bring the end of man. Our phones are becoming smarter while we grow dumber by the day. These flawlessly constructed machines also cause death and destruction without any hint of guilt. Homo sapiens are in danger of losing our lofty spot at the top of the food chain; smart phones are slowly replacing us as earth’s dominant species. (There is indeed a dark side and Satan is named SIRI!)

{Phone people are part of a cult and they don’t even know it! Since I brought up Apple, what the heck is up with the new leader? Is this guy insane? (I don’t know who was chosen to replace Steve Jobs as the leader of Apple, but I’m assuming it was a man. IS THAT SEXIST?) Why the hell did he decide to call the new Ipad, “THE NEW IPAD?” What the heck is the next one going to be called? Sometimes, companies make mistakes and promote the wrong person. Apple is going through one of those times!}

     For shits and giggles, before leaving for work tomorrow, turn your smart phone off and place it in a drawer. If you can step out the door without making a mad dash for your plastic deity, consider yourself one of the elite! (I, myself, wouldn’t even be able to turn off the device without having a severe panic attack!)

***For diarrhea and side-splitting laughter (Do you see what I just did there?) take someone else’s smart phone and hide it!***

WARNING: Smart-phoners can become extremely hostile and unpredictable in such instances.

     To the dumb-phonies, I say abstain. DO NOT BUY A SMART PHONE! Do mankind a favor and continue to live your safe mundane lives. Keeping up with the status updates of your “friends” is not the wonderful life that the smart-phoners make it out to be. We may seem on the exterior, but deep down inside, we are crying out for help. (Everything we stand for is a sham!)

The phones also cause us to neglect the well-being of our fellow citizens. According to recent studies, texting while driving is worse than drunk driving. I can’t recall how many times I almost killed a pedestrian because of my smart phone. Friends don’t let friends text while driving! (I once knew a man who drunk texted while driving. In the morning, not only did he wake up next to a beast of a woman, but he walked outside to find his car parked in her neighbor’s begonia garden!)

The garden hasn’t been the same since the unspeakable incident!

     Texting while driving is becoming more and more of a problem. People are actually hoping for red lights so they can have the freedom to type up a quick text. (Honestly, we should be ashamed. I’m pretty sure the LMAO could have waited!)

I write about such things because I am one of the afflicted. The other day, I was waiting for a red light so I could send out a text, and it was green for a mile and a half. I wanted to kill someone. “Don’t these damn traffic light operators understand that I have something ‘important’ to send out!” I yelled, to myself, in my car.

I think my most egregious offense has to be when I drive with my knees, on the highway, going in excess of seventy miles, while texting. I’m ashamed to say that this happens more frequently than not. (OK, I lied; I’m not ashamed to say what I just said. Well, actually, I guess I can’t be ashamed since I didn’t say anything; I wrote it!)

Like any other bad habit, or in this instance; illegal habit, people seem to take the it-will-never-happen-to-me approach. Texting while driving is about as bad as it gets. Anyone who partakes in such a vice is basically telling the other motorists to fuck off! (Don’t tell other motorists to fuck off; it’s mean!)

Click the link to read the tragic story of a Montreal woman who recently died while texting her boyfriend. No one should ever have to go through such a heart-breaking experience. Emy Brochu Texting Death.

Hopefully, my words will be able to encourage dumb-phonies to stay away from the smart phones. If you are a dumb-phonie and you decide not to heed my advice, you will only have yourself to blame! In fact, not only should you not purchase a smart phone, you should set up interventions for your friends and family members who are addicted to their smart phones. (I sincerely apologize for coining the term dumb-phonies! I’m sure the people without smart phones are neither dumb, nor phonies!)

In case anyone was wondering, I am not addicted to my phone like the other smart-phoners; I can stop using my device whenever I want!

Disclaimer: No phone was used in the creation of this post.

@PeteTeix617