Most major cities are plagued by the same problem; gang violence. Police departments do their best to keep control over the streets, but budget cuts and lack of innovation allow the gangs to stay one step ahead. There are also procedural constraints which handcuff the patrolman’s ability to stop the violence.

I have a solution which will cripple gangs all over the country. My method is both expensive and inconvenient to the public, but I believe it is effective and necessary.

What I propose is fairly simple. Every city should rename streets and change the area codes and zip codes. Obviously, the federal government must get involved.

For those of you who may question whether or not my solution works, allow me to explain. Gang bangers (not the porn version) love to tag. They cover the city streets with their street names, area codes, and zip codes. These guys also cover their bodies with tattoos. I am always baffled by the fact that some of the tattoos are religious in nature. We all know there is no “god,” but if he did exist, I’m pretty sure he’s not going to forgive a murder due to the fact that someone has the virgin Mary holding an assault rifle with a halo over her head.

Imagine the first day after my plan is enacted. Big Mike (every gang has a big Mike) wakes up and walks outside, prepared for a long day of Pharmaceutical sales. When he gets outside, he finds his fellow gang members in an uproar. The boys just learned that they no longer live in the 617; their new are code is 928. Their tattoos and street tags are no longer relevant.

Furthermore, their zip code changed from 02119 to 90210. How can a Roxbury gang banger rep Beverly Hills? It would be an embarrassment. The worst news of all is the fact that the gang, the Dudley Street Boys (DSB) discovers that Dudley St is now called Richard Simmons Boulevard. (Good Luck turning that into something hardcore!)

Clearly, my plan calls for the mayors to change known gang streets into new, funnier names. (What’s the point of any plan if you can’t have a little fun!)

I’m sure there are other great aspects to this renaming approach, so if anyone has some great ideas, feels free to comment!

Go Giants!!!

@PeteTeix617