This Actually Happened — December 31st, 2011

Not What I Planned

Tonight is New Year’s Eve. I decided that Friday was going to be a relaxation day. I planned on staying home, watching television, and doing absolutely nothing. I left work and purchased some sushi. I enjoyed my meal and planned on doing nada for the night. Everything was going as planned until I received a call from @EFidalgo12. “We have to plan for Thursday. We have to go to Restaurante Cesaria!” I did not want to go. Eventually, I gave in and agreed to join him. It is official; we are planning a good bye party at Cesaria on Thursday, January 5th. Be there or be square! (We are seriously considering a policy in which we will not allow people to visit us in LA, unless they attend!) Instead of going home, we decided to go to a BAH. Drinks were on deck and we spent the night with family and friends. I would have preferred to stay home, but it is always wonderful to be around great people. My New Year’s plans are set; it looks like I’ll be at Brandy Pete’s. I’ve never been, but it’s an event thrown by my cousins so I’ll be there. Where will I end up at the end of the night; no one knows! I am too tired and inebriated to continue this post, so this is all I wish to divulge. The night was weird, but I am not sure if I trust myself to decide which information is appropriate, so mums the word. (Too many inappropriate things happened!) I don’t think I will ever go to Tequila Rain, again. When you are in a bah and there are people who battle one another on the dance floor, you are in a weird place! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

Tomorrow, the Great Tim Tebow will lead the Denver Broncos to a victory over the Kansas City Chefs! (Great googly moogly!)

It’s New Year’s so drink up and do things that regular people would regret!

Please don’t waste your time with any New Year’s resolutions; your just creating an unattainable goal!

It’s Tebow Time!!!

@PeteTeix617

About these ads

Who Approved These (3)

Who Approved These 1 

Who Approved These 2

Waste of Money:

Due to my appearance at a fundraiser, for the children, I will only review one commercial for this post.

This week’s bad ad is from Nutrisystem. I understand that hiring a famous celebrity is a great way to promote a product, but this company failed to use common sense. (I have no idea what they were thinking!)

The American public has been conditioned to think that beauty only comes in the form of a size zero. This is a complete falsity. There are too many beautiful full-figured women who lack self-confidence because they are trying to live to the unattainable goals which are created by the fashion industry. (Women need to learn to accept their natural curves!)

Nutrisystem decided to hire Janet Jackson to promote their weight loss system. This is the dumbest thing I have ever witnessed. Janet Jackson is an international sex symbol and she is the last person anyone would think of when they talk about people who need to lose weight.

The ad makes absolutely zero sense. Does Nutrisystem actually think that Janet Jackson is going to motivate someone who is overweight to sign up for their program? The commercial is more offensive than anything else.

I am not saying that skinny women are not beautiful, but I don’t think they are the only ones who are sexy; beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes. If Nutrisystem wanted to hire a spokeswoman for their campaign, they should find someone who is unhealthy; not Janet Jackson.

There is a lot more that I can say about this topic, but I am too tired to continue this post. As far as Nutrisystem goes, I do not recommend their product; their as is completely asinine! (Do yourselves a favor and boycott this clueless company!)

This is a horrible and offensive ad; somewhere in the world, an ad agency should look in the mirror and return the money that they received to create this garbage!

Don’t allow ads to determine your self-worth!

@PeteTeix617

A Thousand Words

Everyone is familiar with the notion that a picture is worth a thousand words. In our kitchen, we discovered something else; a blank canvas is worth a thousand words.

A year and a half ago, two of my cousins moved into the apartment with me. When it comes to interior decorating, we definitely lack the “queer-eye!” Give me a bed and a reasonably comfortable seat and I’m good to go! My idea of a classy place is a bunch of Red Sox posters hanging on the wall. I’m not a big fan of those life-size Skin-It posters, but I’d put up a large one of Tebow; just to piss everyone else off! (I can’t wait to see how we decorate the apartment in LA!)

Left with bare walls, we decided to hang up an empty canvas. It was a silly idea which actually blossomed into a great art piece. I can’t remember who came up with the idea, so no one will get credit, but the empty canvas took on a life if its own. (It’s the centerpiece to our apartment!)

We often tell newcomers that the empty canvas is actually a painting of Boston during the Blizzard of 1978! If you look closely, you can actually make out the Prudential Building and the John Hancock Tower! (You really have to want to see it!)

Being able to create such nonsense is one of the advantages of living with a couple of guys who could care less about interior decorating! Being able to turn the kitchen table into an official beer pong arena is probably the best advantage!

I’ll miss the painting of the Blizzard, but I’m sure we’ll come up with some great idea while living on the West Side. Our silliness creativity knows no bounds!

Remember, the question is not, “why do you guys have brown walls,” but, ”Why don’t you have brown walls!

**The idea of calling a blank canvas “The Blizzard of ’78” has been copyrighted!**

@PeteTeix617

Drawer; Not Artist

I am always amazed by people who have a natural ability to draw anything from memory. I guess it’s because I do not have the talent. Although I may not possess the ability to create works of art, I forced myself to at least learn how to draw. I am the first to admit that I’m no artist, but I’m decent! (I guess you can call me a drawer!)

***Most of these were created in high school!***

The Original Copies are for sale!

Here are some of my attempts at drawing:

Exhibit A:     The first picture is the Boston Red Sox Logo. I purchase a baseball cap with the Chinese Character, which I assume to be the letter “B,” but I am not familiar with the Chinese language, so it probably means Jackass or something derogatory!

Exhibit B:     This is a photo of the Super Man logo.

Exhibit C:          I adapted the Super Man logo into the first idea for my Pete Teix logo, which evolved into my own creation!

Exhibit D:          Here is another “drawer” rendering of the Pete Teix logo.

Exhibit E:          I’m sure everyone remembers Mr. Joe Camel. In my version, he is a little older and has clearly put on some weight.

Exhibit F:          This is an attempt to recreate the Celtics Logo. I have no idea what is going on with his eye!

Exhibit G:          Some of you may remember this character. I am not sure what his name is, but he was a creation of the Adidas Company. (I honestly don’t remember if this is an accurate depiction!)

Exhibit H:          I drew the Cleveland Indians logo because it was in a magazine and I can only draw by looking at a picture. I do not have the talent to draw from memory. In case anyone is wondering, the Indians Suck!!!

Exhibit I:          This picture of Willy Wonka is from a box of his wonderful candy. I have no idea which candy, but I’m sure it was delicious!

Exhibit J:          In the 90’s, I hated the Wu Tang Clan. My favorite artist was Keith Murray. This piece is called, “Keith Murray putting down the Wu!”

Exhibit K:          In 1998, I discovered the most wonderful music ever created; Cash Money Records. I spent many days arguing that C.M.R. was better than the Wu, and I was often laughed at. Who’s laughing now?

Exhibit L:          I like some of the No Limit songs, but I prefer their cross town rivals. Cash Money is the real army, better yet the Navy! (What a great song!)

Exhibit M:          This is the Seton Hall logo; I did not create this while in high school. In my version, the pirate is a little bit chubbier than the actual logo!

Exhibit N:          This is a random ship that was in a magazine ad. I think I did a pretty good job on this one!

Exhibit O:          My Elroy is a tad bit over weight, but he seems to be jollier!

Exhibit P:          This is Sonic and I think I nailed it!

Exhibit Q:          Yosemite Sam came out great, as well!

Exhibit R:          This is the pecking order of Florida’s big three programs. The Gators are clearly above Florida State, and I have no idea what happened to the little U!

Exhibit S:          This logo belongs to the rap artist Yukmouth. I am not familiar with his work, but I like his logo! I definitely nailed it!

Exhibit T:          I found a picture of former United States President Dwight Eisenhower in one of my books and decided to try and recreate it. I’m no professional, but I think it’s spot on!

Exhibit U:         You didn’t think I would forget to include the greatest football team of all time did you? GO BRONCOS!!!

Exhibit V:         I think this is the funniest picture in the collection. (If this can be called a collection!) *Who knows, maybe when I die, it may be worth a dollar or two!* I attempted to draw Tiger Woods and it turned into a caricature. (Maybe that is where my true talent lies!)

Exhibit W:       I have no idea why I drew this, but I know that I listened to a lot of Ice Cube during my days in high school. (Looks just like him!)

Exhibit X:        This is the first of two Picasso’s. When Michael Jordan returned to the NBA, I was tired of the Bulls dominating and this was my prediction for the finals. (Utah let me down!)

Exhibit Y:        If you are an art world jackass, you will probably try to find the deeper meaning of this picture, but there is none. I simply was bored and created this nonsense!

Exhibit Z:       Every collection has a crown jewel. This picture of Mortal Combat’s Scorpion is my favorite. I honestly didn’t think I would be able to create this. Sadly, I will never be able to create anything better!

     If you’re wondering why I used the word exhibit for each picture, be assured that I am wondering the very same thing. It honestly makes no sense; exhibit is used in a courtroom. OH WELL!

I hope these were enjoyable to look at!

*****If anyone needs a professional to create a work of art, be sure to contact me; I only charge $5000 per piece!*****

@PeteTeix617

The (Bad) Name Game

Skip Bayless has it right; he’s Chad Ocho-stinko:

Recently, there have been two well-known professional athletes who changed their names. The first is Chad Johnson, former Cincinnati Bengal and current New England Patsy.

Chad Johnson was an unstoppable force, who scored touchdowns almost every game. He was on pace to become a celebrated Hall of Famer; UNTIL…he did the unthinkable! (Did anyone actually think it was a good idea?)

Chad decided to legally change his surname to his jersey number, in Spanish! That’s right; he went from Chad Johnson to Chad Ocho Cinco. I guess Mr. 85 wanted to do something shocking, but all he did was shed light on his poor decision making capabilities. (I won’t discuss his engagement!)

Since changing his name, Chad’s skills diminished. Patsy fans were thrilled to welcome the “star” receiver to their team, but I didn’t understand what all the hype was about; I knew his career was over. Chad arrived and failed to grasp the complicated offense. The fans predicted unbelievable stats from Ocho Cinco and he did not disappoint. His numbers are unbelievably horrible; plain “god” awful!

To date, chad played in 15 games for the Patsies. He caught a total of 15 passes. That’s right folks; the guy is averaging a, pedestrian, 1 reception a game! Ocho Cinco earns 5.5 million dollars this year. By my calculations, he is being paid $367,000 a reception! (Not a bad way to earn a living!)

He’s a Ronartest:

The other athlete who made a drastic name change is Ron Artest. The former St John’s star player and versatile NBA star lost his freaking mind. It is not surprising that Artest changed his name to something ridiculous; after all, he was the guy who thanked his therapist after winning his first NBA championship! (Everyone had to expect that something weird was on the horizon!)

Phil Jackson, who had previous experience dealing with an eccentric character¸ Dennis Rodman, handled Artest perfectly, is no longer with the Lakers. Mike Brown, Mr. Give-the-ball-to-Lebron himself, is not equipped to harness Artest’s “uniqueness!” This freak show will spiral out of control and the Lakers will self-destruct. (This is the last thing Kobe Bryant needs; I think it’s about time to demand a trade!)

Ron Artest went completely bonkers and changed his name to Metta World Peace. I know what you are thinking, but you read that correctly! (If you are a client of Mr. World Peace’s therapist, do yourself a favor and find better counseling!)

Metta World Peace! I can’t even watch the Lakers play because the announcers call him Metta World Peace; it’s complete insanity. If you are wondering, Artest has yet to make a three-pointer this year and his numbers are atrocious. As a Celtics fan, I always argue that Red Auerbach was is the greatest coach of all-time, but Phil Jackson may have surpassed him. Not only does Phil possess more championships, but he had the foresight to jump ship before the SS Lake Show sank!

If you ever have an opportunity to become a famous celebrity and you have an urge to change your name to something distinctive, because you think it will make you eccentric, DON’T DO IT! You will only make yourself to look like a complete ASS and your fame will trend downward! (Don’t be an idiot!)

I don’t blame these two athletes for their dumb decisions; their close friends and family members are responsible. Friends don’t let friends drink and change their names to asinine terms! (At least not legally!)

The government should have the power to decline such requests!!!

@PeteTeix617

A Different Perspective

Christmas is beginning to be my favorite holiday; it’s arguably the most important day in Christianity, but somehow, Santa Claus is more important than Jesus! As an atheist, this is truly the greatest gift Santa ever delivered! (In the battle of mythological heroes, Santa is more powerful!)

Many people attempt to justify their failure to avoid falling into the trap of consumerism, but they are not able to fool me. Luckily for Christians, Jesus does not exist because if he did, his jealous father would probably destroy America as an example to the rest of the world! (My prediction: In four score and seven years, the United States of America will completely disassociate Jesus from Christmas!)

For those of you who drink “the other crappy cola,” it brings me great pleasure to mention the fact that the Coca Cola Company is responsible for the modern version of Santa Claus! (Coke is the best!) *To read more about the best drink created by man, click the link: A True Coke Head.*

The way I see it, Christmas, and all other mythological celebrations is all about the children. Watching a youngster open presents, with the excitement of a Broncos fan watching the great Tim Tebow score a touchdown, warms my heart! The fact that 99.4% of children completely forget about Jesus, on his birthday, is truly the gift that keeps on giving! (It is said that every time a child thanks Santa Claus for a present, an angel commits suicide!)

Yesterday, I found a book on the kitchen table; arguably the best present you can give a child! (I said arguably!) The novel was a copy if the Wizard of Oz. I opened to the introduction and found a wonderful surprise. Here is what I read:

     “Movie ‘The Wizard of Oz’: Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.” – Actual listing in the TV section of the Marin Independence-Journal, Marin, California, Summer 2002.

I couldn’t stop laughing! Perspective is everything!

     Here is my review of Christmas, from the perspective of an alien who recently landed on earth!

“The holiday seems to be one in which millions of people, throughout the world, spit in the face of their so called ‘Lord and Savior!’ They blatantly choose to worship a jolly bearded fellow, who has the ability to deliver presents to all of the ‘good’ children! Every so often, one of these half-assed followers will feel a sense of guilt and remember to say, ‘Happy birthday, Jesus!’ These Christians would all go to Hell, if the place existed! The followers of Christianity must truly hate their Christ!”

Merry Christmas!

@PeteTeix617

Coming this week (26)

For this week, I will continue to review horrible commercials!

**********************************************************

Tank Update

Shamu has officially completed his one true mission! “What am I talking about?” You ask. He ate a mouse. Unfortunately, he wasn’t really hungry when we placed the mouse in the tank so we didn’t capture the incident on camera; we actually didn’t get to see any of it. He’ll eat another mouse soon and I will post the video. I hope it’s as epic as I imagine it will be!

I would like to thank everyone who celebrated Santa Claus’s day, today! Merry Christmas!

@PeteTeix617

This Actually Happened – December 24th, 2011

You Betcha

     Although the Denver Broncos lost last week, some good may come out of the game; I made an interesting bet with one of my cousins. At the end of the day, nothing may come out of this, but if one of us wins, it will be epic! Before I reveal the details of the wager, allow me to give some background. My cousin is the executive director of a nonprofit organization. He has an Ivy League degree, and he has never consumed a drop of alcohol. If the Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl, he will be forced to purchase a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label and take three shots. (I hope he doesn’t turn into an alcoholic! *WINK*) If the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, I will have to attend a mass at St Patrick’s Church in Roxbury, and SING the hymn! (Lucky for me, I have a great singing voice!) I have faith in Tebow! I honestly think the Broncos will come through for me! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

I RECENTLY EXPERIENCED A MIRACLE! I DRANK A RED BULL BOTTLE AND OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST APPEARED, RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES!!! THANKFULLY, I CAPTURED A PHOTO!!!

HE’S A LOT SMALLER THAN I THOUGHT!

@PeteTeix617

Do You Want To Live Here

     January 7th is officially the beginning of a new adventure. I know what most people may be thinking; “you’re supposed to start your new beginning on New Year’s Day, hence the term New Year’s Revolution, idiot!” (Stop thinking conventionally. I am not an idiot and I don’t do Resolutions; well, not New Year’s ones, anyway!) January 7th is the day I’ll join @EFIdalgo12 on a flight to Burbank. (We’re outta here!)

The apartment search has been surprisingly enjoyable. I have an overactive imagination, so each posting is like a trip on a mini adventure. My favorite aspect of apartment hunting is definitely the ads which are, in a word, off-kilter. (There are some interesting people in this world!)

Luckily, I enjoy sharing, so I have compiled a list of the top five “SPECIAL” postings. I hope you find these to be as entertaining as I do!

 

Posting #5

$99 ✪ FIRST WEEK FREE! AFFORDABLE… North Hollywood, Van Nuys. (WOODLAND HILLS-VALLEY VILLAGE-NORTH HOLLYWOOD):

     This ad appears several times a day. It looks pretty decent until you click the link. This is for a sober living facility. We drink but we’re not there yet! We actually clicked one ad which seemed perfect. Once we called, the woman notified us that the place was for people who needed help. Granted, we need a lot of help, but I don’t think the trained professionals at these facilities have the capabilities to treat our problems! (We’re still keeping this on in the stash in case things don’t go as planned!)

 

Posting #4

$500 / 825ft² – Are you looking for a really nice, cheap place to live for a month, this is for (Burbank):

“I have a beautiful, large studio apartment. It can be easily divided for your seperate space. It has two large walk-in closets, good sized patio, everything is newly remodeled, crown molding, high ceiling, has underground parking for you with remote for gate. Also has a heated pool and jacuzzi. Oh yeah it has a fireplace as well. I am 26, very clean and love movies, playing music, and love going to the gym. I am very easy to get along with and have a great sense of humor. I drink ocassionally, nothing serious, few beers here and there and I’m very mellow. My name is Skyler. If you need somewhere to crash for a month this is a great place. The sofa is very comfortable. You should definitely give this place a look, very peaceful, very nice, and in a very good location. Close to everything but in a great spot where it’s quiet and relaxing. Look forward to hearing from you. Reply with picture of yourself. Price includes utilities!”

Five hundred bucks to crash on a sofa and listen to some mellow guy with a sense of humor play his music? NO THANKS! This sounds more like a profile on EHarmony. (I think this posting was written during one of Skyler’s occasional beer drinking nights!)

 

Posting #3

$400 MOTOR HOME FOR ONE PERSON (Northridge, Granada Hills):

“Motor Home in driveway of quiet home, welcome to use the full kitchen and Laundry in house, large backyard, free maid service available

house is located near stores, restaurants, freeways, and a park, and is close CSUN,

This is in a nice very nice area in the San Fernando Valley,

this is for One male, not a couple, has to be a considerate and responsible person who is fully employed or a full time student or a combination of both,

this is for One male, not a couple, has to be a considerate and responsible person who is fully employed or a full time student or a combination of both,

There is no smoking or pets,”

How can anyone turn down this offer? Is this person serious? I thought Skyler’s couch was bad, but all things considered, he may be underselling that very comfortable sofa! The only missing detail is the fact that the “quiet home” is actually a double-wide trailer! A red flag went up when I noticed that the person was specifically targeting a male. What the heck is that about? I’LL PASS! (It seems like someone is looking for a bromance!)

 

Posting #2

$1 Film Director seeks live-in Assistant (Burbank area):

“Are you bright, friendly, outgoing with an interest in film or other creative stuff? Like to live-in as a personal assistant/FWB to an award-winning Film Director in his cool, artsy house not far from Burbank? Free rent, and utils and possible commission for helping on several of my feature films currently in production and post. More info on request with your pic.”

This posting appeared to be amazing; I would love to work with an award-winning film director in his cool, artsy house, but what’s with the picture request? Is this person looking for a talented assistant, or something more? I’m not sure, but to be on the safe side, I’ll let someone else jump on this opportunity, LITERALLY! Something tells me these award winning films are of the adult variety! (I think I would have a little more respect for these creeps if they just came out and said that they were perverts!)

**Obviously, I may be reading too much into these ads. They may actually be legitimate. I re-read the posting and something jumped out of the screen; what does FWB mean? I had no idea so I turned to my good friend Google. I was not surprised to learn that it means, friends with benefits! I apologize to this creep for claiming that he didn’t have the balls to just come out and say what he wanted! (Did anyone else notice that there is no specification of gender preference? How progressive!)**

 

Posting #1

$250 No deposit just until Feb!:

“I am offering to share my room just until Feb. This gives you time if your new to Los Angeles to find a permanent place. I am also new to Los Angeles and I am a male. You would be sharring the room with me and a bathroom as well. You do need your own air mattress. I just bought a new queen size bed but thats the only bed in the room. I am a single male looking to pursue acting. I am laid back and friendly. I live in a quiet suburban area in North Hollywood. Female preferred!”

This is great, until you realize what you just read. SHARE A ROOM? You have to be kidding me? And an air mattress; C’mon! There has to be a better option than this place. If by chance, this person comes across my post, please update me on whether or not you actually found someone to take your offer. “Female preferred!” What gentleman doesn’t prefer to have a female sleep on an air mattress, while he slumbers in the comfort of a queen size bed? (There has to be an easier way to get laid!)

**I can’t believe he forgot to ask for a picture request!**

*****************Bonus Posting*****************

Free Apt-Female only (MDR):

“Please do not respond if you are not serious. I have a free apartment located in a very safe and nice area and within 5 minutes walking distance to the beach. The apartment also has a heated pool year round if you prefer to take a dip other than the beach. I am willing to share this apartment with a young ATTRACTIVE female in trade for services. In addition to free rent, the utilities, groceries and living expenses are included. In trade for this apartment, you will need to do some cleaning, cooking, errands and be open to a No- Strings -Attached benefits arrangement. You must be a young attractive female who is easy to get along with. You also must be a responsible, caring, TRUST-WORTHY, HEALTHY (drug free / disease free), drama free and open minded. Myself, I am a young attractive professional with a very busy schedule that requires me to travel quite often lifestyle. You will have the apartment to yourself for 3 weeks each month. I’m yound, attractive, well educated, HEALTHY, fit gentleman who is down to earth. If you are interested, please respond with a current picture and brief description about yourself. If you do not respond with a picture, i will assume you are not serious and will delete your response. Thank you.”

This one is makes Mr. FWB sound like a decent guy. I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m pretty sure that the women are “evicted” from this wonderful domicile. You can’t blame a guy for enjoying his money! (I’m guessing he adheres to the honor system when determining if the women are disease free?)

The search continues!!!

@PeteTeix617

Baggin Up – Episode 11

Episode 1   Episode 2    Episode 3  Episode 4   Episode 5   Episode 6   Episode 7   Episode 8   Episode 9  Episode 10

INT. Philip’s Apartment

Philip invited the guys over so they can meet Kimberly. Although Philip wanted to pick up his fiance from the airport, she will arrive by taxi because she wants to freshen up in order to make a great first impression.Simon is the first to arrive.

SIMON

You’re not going to believe what I fount out.

PHILIP

What?

SIMON

I honestly don’t know what to do; it’s about Judas.

PHILIP

What did he do now?

SIMON

Let’s wait until Bart gets here so he can hear it too.

PHILIP

Wow! This sounds pretty serious.

SIMON

It’s CRAZY!

The bell rings. Philip opens the door to find Bartholomew and Judas standing outside.

PHILIP

Thanks for coming, guys; this means a lot to me.

JUDAS

There is no way we would miss this.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s good, Phil! What’s that smell?

PHILIP

French Vanilla; it’s a scented candle.

BARTHOLOMEW

Not that smell. It’s something else.

Bartholomew walks around the apartment; mimicking a police German Shepherd.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got it!

SIMON

I’ve been here for a few minutes and I didn’t smell anything.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the stench of virginity!

The guys laugh and Judas closes the bedroom door.

JUDAS

It was coming from there!

Simon’s happy demeanor changes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Of course! The Master…bation room!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s crazy; you can actually sense the absence of vagina!

PHILIP

That’s great; just get out all the jokes before Kim gets here.

JUDAS

You know we have a lot of questions for her.

Philip shakes his head.

PHILIP

I don’t know what I was thinking.

BARTHOLOMEW

What time are you going to Logan Airport?

PHILIP

She already landed; Kim wants to head to the hotel so she can freshen up; she insisted on taking a cab.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you insane? You have to go meet her. Don’t you watch romantic movies?

JUDAS

Hotel? Why the hell is she staying in a hotel?

PHILIP

Because she doesn’t have an apartment yet.

JUDAS

Why doesn’t she just live with you?

PHILIP

Because we’re not married, yet!

JUDAS

The more details you reveal, the sadder I become. But Bart is right; you should have met her at the airport. Even Simon knows that!

Simon turns his head as if he didn’t hear the comment.

PHILIP

What are you guys talking about? She said she wanted to take a cab.

BARTHOLOMEW

Obviously she’s going to say that. You’re an idiot!

PHILIP

Damn! You might be right. I think I messed this one up. I’ll be right back!

BARTHOLOMEW

Where are you going? I thought you said she landed.

PHILIP

The least I can do is give her a ride from the hotel.

Philip grabs his car keys and rushes out of the apartment.

JUDAS

I can’t believe she is staying in a hotel.

BARTHOLOMEW

What do you expect; he’s waiting for marriage before having sex.

JUDAS

Sad!

BARTHOLOMEW

In a way, it’s refreshing. Today’s women are of a different breed; they are literally, for the day. It’s nice to see an old fashion relationship.

JUDAS

Phil is a virgin; we have no idea what this Kim chick has been doing!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s true!

The front door opens.

PHILIP

I was too late!

A beautiful woman enters.

PHILIP

Everyone, I’d like to introduce my fiance, Kim.

KIM

Hello.

BARTHOLOMEW

Welcome to the family; I’m Bart.

KIM

I hope you guys approve of me.

JUDAS

Of course we approve. I’m Judas, the best man! We’re just happy you’re not made of plastic!

Everyone laughs except for Simon.

KIM

Phil is the best man!

JUDAS

We’ll let your bridesmaids make that determination!

PHILIP

You have to forgive Judas; he doesn’t have a filter.

KIM

That’s ok. So, I’m guessing you’re Simon.

SIMON

Guilty as charged.

KIM

You must be the quiet one.

PHILIP

There is no quiet one; they’re all assholes!

SIMON

You’ll have to excuse me; I had a revealing conversation with a friend of mine so I’m not my usual charming self.

JUDAS

That chick finally told you that she is infatuated with me?

SIMON

I have to take a piss.

Simon gets up and walks to the bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

Whatever she said, it must have been traumatic.

JUDAS

I hope she’s not pregnant.

PHILIP

Na, I definitely don’t think it’s that; we should just give him his space.

KIM

I hope I’m not interrupting something important.

JUDAS

You’re the something important. I can’t wait to get to know you and learn all about this secret relationship.

KIM

I have to get to know you guys as well.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m sure Phil gave you all the dirt on us.

KIM

No; we agreed that I should get to know his friends, in person.

Simon returns from the bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You good?

SIMON

Yeah, I’m fine.

JUDAS

Is this about that chick from the bar?

SIMON

I don’t want to talk about it.

JUDAS

If she is begging for some Judas action, let her know that I am down.

SIMON

Sure you are!

PHILIP

Anyone want beers?

BARTHOLOMEW

Keep them coming!

KIM

I’ll help you.

INT. PHILIP’S KITCHEN

Philip leads the way to retrieve the drinks.

KIM

They seem like a fun bunch.

PHILIP

Yeah, we’re basically a family. Something must be really bothering Simon; he usually has a great personality.

KIM

Do you think it has anything to do with me?

PHILIP

No! We talked before the other guys got here; it has something to do with Judas.

KIM

He’s the gay one; right?

Philip laughs.

PHILIP

NO! He’s actually a player.

KIM

Wow! I definitely misjudged him.

PHILIP

Yeah; the guy banged more chicks than Hugh Hefner!

KIM

That’s disgusting!

PHILIP

I agree; not a day goes by without me letting him know that fact. Why did you think he was gay?

KIM

I don’t know. I guess I thought he was trying to overcompensate by talking about “banging chicks!”

PHILIP

Unfortunately, that’s what he does!

KIM

I don’t know how people can live that type of lifestyle.

PHILIP

Me neither!

The couple returns with the beers.

KIM

Here you go; nice and cold!

SIMON

Thanks.

JUDAS

So Kim, now that you are a part of the family, there are some questions that we need answered.

KIM

Ask and I shall answer.

PHILIP

Hold on, Judas. Before you interrogate her, I have to share this. Kim thought you were gay!

The guys laugh. Simon laughs especially loud.

SIMON

That sounds about right!

KIM

I’m sorry; I hope you’re not offended.

JUDAS

Of course not! The most important question of all is not whether or not I am gay; what we all want to know is, did Phil hit it?

Philip spits out his beer.

PHILIP

What’s wrong with you?

KIM

It’s ok Phil; he can ask whatever he wants. That’s not really any of your business, so I plead the 5th.

JUDAS

I’ll take that as a big fat NO!

Philip shakes his head.

JUDAS

We know that Phil is saving himself for marriage; did you bang any dudes while living in the Philippines?

SIMON

You’re being a real dick!

JUDAS

I’m just having fun.

SIMON

You’re the only one who thinks your questions are entertaining. The rest of us feel sorry for you.

JUDAS

I didn’t know you spoke for everyone; don’t try to bring the rest of us down because you’re having some personal problems.

PHILIP

I agree with Simon; your questions are crossing the line.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, chill!

JUDAS

Great job, Simon; now I’m the bad guy.

KIM

No one called you a bad guy.

SIMON

Yeah. You’re not a bad guy; you’re an ASS!

JUDAS

Why are you trying to push my buttons?

SIMON

I’m just telling it like it is.

JUDAS

Fine. That’s a great idea; let’s all tell it like it is. You’re pissed because Leslie is sick and tired of all the cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s enough; this isn’t the time.

JUDAS

Kim’s family now. We can’t keep secrets from her.

PHILIP

Why are you acting like a jerk?

JUDAS

He’s the one who showed up with a bad attitude.

SIMON

What are you going to do about it, COWARD!

JUDAS

How is Mr. soft-served going to call me a coward. That’s like Phil calling me a virgin.

BARTHOLOMEW

Kim, I’m sorry you had to witness this; I think it’s time for everyone to leave.

JUDAS

Yeah, sorry Kim; I don’t know what got into Simon, today.

SIMON

Why don’t you just shut your big mouth?

JUDAS

Why don’t you shut it for me?

SIMON

I just might!

JUDAS

I’d LOVE to see that!

Simon loses control of his emotions and punches Judas in the jaw. Judas hits the ground, but quickly jumps to his feet. The friends exchange punches before Judas tackles Simon to the ground. Kim watches in horror as Bartholomew and Philip separate the brawlers.

JUDAS

Let me go so I can beat his ass!

SIMON

How’s your jaw, coward?

JUDAS

That was a sucker punch, Mayweather!

Bartholomew pushes Judas outside of the apartment.

EXT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

Bartholomew walks Judas, whose anger dissipates, to his car.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell was that all about?

JUDAS

I don’t even know!

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t believe that just happened. Kim must think we’re a bunch of gangbangers.

JUDAS

I’m sorry, man. I honestly don’t know what just happened. I was just trying to mess with him; I didn’t think he would get physical.

BARTHOLOMEW

Go home and we’ll figure this out.

JUDAS

I think we should go back and talk things out.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s a bad idea. Once we figure out what is bothering Simon, we’ll be able to resolve this matter. For now, just go home.

JUDAS

Damn! I can’t believe I just fought Simon!

BARTHOLOMEW

This is crazy! I’ll call you later.

JUDAS

OK! Don’t worry; everything will be alright.

BARTHOLOMEW

I know!

Judas drives away and Batholomew returns to the apartment.

INT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

BARTHOLOMEW

What just happened, Simon?

SIMON

I just snapped.

BARTHOLOMEW

I have no idea what is bothering you, but you can’t take it out on your friends.

KIM

Does this have anything to do with my arrival?

SIMON

No! I am happy for Phil; I just have something on my mind. I can’t figure out how to deal with it.

PHILIP

Earlier, I was cool with allowing you to keep quiet, but you have to let us know what is going on! Keeping things bottled up is unhealthy.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, if you can’t talk to us, who can you turn to?

KIM

Maybe I should leave.

SIMON

No, you don’t have to go. You guys remember the woman from the bar, right?

PHILIP

Yeah!

BARTHOLOMEW

She left with Judas’ friend Dan, that night.

SIMON

Yeah! She called me a few days ago and dropped a bomb on me. We completely had the story wrong.

PHILIP

What do you mean?

SIMON

Dan never bagged her that night. He was the gay friend that she was meeting.

BARTHOLOMEW

Get out of here; Judas said Dan was a ladies’ man.

SIMON

The reason she wanted to talk to me, was to let me know what Dan told her. Apparently, Dan and Judas are gay lovers.

PHILIP

What? Judas bangs more women than anyone.

KIM

So he was overcompensating.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t believe it! What did Judas say?

SIMON

I don’t know how to bring it up.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell!

No one says a word for several minutes.

                                     [Season One Is A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

SEASON 2 COMING SOON!!!