Bagging Up – Pilot

This is the pilot episode for my new series. Like all other pilots, if the story is not well received I will stop writing and go back to the drawing board. (Your feedback will be the determining factor!)

This story will follow six friends, all in their early thirties. The focus will be on their relationships with the opposite sex. Instead of providing a detailed character profile of each guy, I will only give some basic information. The details of each character’s life will be revealed throughout the events.

I decided to name the characters after Jesus’ Apostles. Don’t be offended; it could have been worse. I honestly thought about having Jesus return to earth and live with a group of single guys. They would have abused his miraculous powers to do as they pleased! Who knows, maybe that story will happen in the future. (If someone reads this and steals the idea about Jesus and his new “Apostles,” the least you can do is give me a shout out!)

The guys will meet every Sunday to watch football. Each person brings a 12-pack of beer and last man to arrive is penalized. No one has a favorite NFL team, so there will be little or no mention of the actual games. The story takes place in Boston, but the guys are from different cities! There will be some college football talk since the men are loyal fans of their respective schools. The series will contain actual results, so the games on Saturdays should help to shape the story.

The Characters:

  1. Judas is a single personal trainer. Team: The University of Miami Hurricanes.
  2. Matthias is a married attorney. Team: The Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
  3. James is a single drug dealer. Team: The University of Southern California (USC) Trojans.
  4. Simon manages a bank and is in a relationship. Team: The University of Michigan Wolverines
  5. Philip is a single high school teacher. Team: Florida State University Seminoles.
  6. Bartholomew is a single accountant. Team: The University of Florida Gators.

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EPISODE 1:    

INT. James’ basement

James turned his basement into a mini sports bar. Memorabilia adorns the walls and there are two 50″ televisions hoisted on the wall. One TV shows the Red Zone channel and the other is used to flip to the most interesting game. The room has two leather sofas, a matching lay-z-boy and several bar stools. There is also a bar with a fridge.

Door bell rings.

Simon

Finally! Matt is always last.

James walks to the window and looks out.

James

You know the drill!

Matthias shakes his head.

Matthias

Again? This is bullshit!

James

Notre Dame sucks!

He closes the window and returns to his seat.

James

I have to give it to you, Bart; this is the greatest idea you ever came up with.

Bartholomew

I knew he would be last every week. Sucks to be him.

Judas

It’s perfect since he’s so cheap.

The room filled with laughter. Several minutes later, the bell sounds again. James opens the door.

Matthias

Here, jackass.

He hands over a bottle of Black Label.

James

Thank you my good man. Don’t be mad at us; you’re the idiot who got married.

Matthias

Being married has nothing to do with me being the last person to arrive. Why do you guys always bring up my marriage. By the way, how did USC do last week?

James

ND wins one game and the guy gets cocky. Don’t forget we’re going to South Bend and kicking ass next month.

Bartholomew

Listening to a USC fan and a Notre Dame fan argue about who sucks more never gets old.

Philip

Roll Tide!

Bartholomew

SOONER or later, you’re going to have to realize that FSU sucks.

Simon

Damn, that’s right. The Sooners spanked FSU last week.

Philip

Who asked you?

Simon

I can talk; we’re still undefeated.

Bartholomew

Damn, someone has been mighty quiet. It’s almost as if Judas was attacked by a wildcat!

Simon

The U.

Judas points to Simon.

Judas

F U.

He then points to Bartholomew.

Judas

And U.

They hi-five and laugh.

Bartholomew

Miami sucks!

James

Yo, the first games are on.

Everyone takes a seat.

Bartholomew

Hey Toby, let me get a cup of that Black Label.

Everyone looks around. James doesn’t say a word; he simply gets up and begins to pour a glass of whiskey.

Simon

I guess I’ll take one too. Toby?

James grabs a second glass.

Bartholomew

No. Just mine will be fine.

James

Ok!

Matthias

What the hell is going on? Why are you getting him a drink? And why is he calling you Toby?

Bartholomew

Let me introduce everyone to my new drink butler.

He motions to James.

Simon

What?

Bartholomew

This idiot made a bet with me. He thought the Gators would lose before his Trojans. Thank you Arizona State…never make a deal with a Sun Devil!

The guys can’t stop laughing.

Bartholomew

I told  him I was going to call him Toby!

Philip

Like Roots?

Bartholomew

Yeah!

They continue to laugh.

Judas

How long does he have to get you drinks?

Bartholomew

Just this week. I can’t believe he thought USC was going undefeated.

James walks over and hands Bartholomew a drink.

James

Here you go. Roll Tide.

Bartholomew

You guys can Roll Tide all you want, but we’re going to destroy Alabama on Saturday.

Simon

I’ll take that bet.

Bartholomew

Ok, you’re on. Gators win, you’re my new Toby.

Simon

Gators over Bama; You’re crazy.

Philip

Hey Judas, speaking of crazy, what happened with that chick from the bar? She seemed a little nuts.

Matthias

What chick?

Judas

On Friday, the Free-Four went to the bar. And I met the craziest broad ever.

Simon

What the hell is a Free-Four?

Judas

The four of us who are free and not whipped.

Simon

Whipped? Matt definitely, but me? You’re crazy; I gets it in!

Judas

Then why didn’t you come with us?

Simon

You know Friday is date night with my girl.

James

Date night with your girl? Sounds like whipped to me.

Simon

You’re talking? The only reason you’re not whipped is because the girls you date can’t walk into an adult shop and buy whips; they’re too young.

The guys laugh.

James

Don’t hate because you can’t bag a pretty young thing.

Simon

Pretty young is right. Didn’t I see some girl run out of here this morning all scared and shit; screaming that her mom was going to kill her if she didn’t make it to Sunday school on time?

Everyone laughs.

James

She was 23, jerk!

Matthias

I don’t know how you meet so many young girls.

Simon

I’ll tell you how. It’s that BMW 750 of his. Those 21″ rims attract twenty-two year old chicks like being an American attracts women in a third world country.

The guys laugh.

Matthias

I hope you’re strapping up at least.

James

Of course!

Judas

Yeah right, he’s paid for at least five abortions this year alone. His motto is, getting a whore pregnant is like a mission gone bad…ABORT!

The guys laugh.

James

Why are we focused on me? Get back to the crazy chick.

Judas

I’m on the dance floor with this chick and she was being real nasty; we were basically having sex with clothes on.

Philip

Real talk. They were on some softcore porn shit.

Judas

Funny you should say that.

Judas shakes his head then continues.

Judas

I went back to this crazy bitch’s house and you’ll never believe what happened.

Philip

Her grandmother came in the room and joined in?

Judas

No! you’re sick. That would be like banging a corpse.

Philip

You said crazy! Besides, I thought you were into necrophilia?

The guys laugh.

Bartholomew

He’s not lying. That one chick you bagged was old as shit; she wasn’t a cougar. She was a white tiger.

Judas

How do you figure a white tiger is older than a cougar?

Bartholomew

All that white hair, dumbass!

Everyone laughs.

Judas

You’re an idiot. Back to the story. I’m sitting on her bed and she got on top of me. We started to make out for a little bit and she slowly undressed. We got completely naked and she started to move towards Sebastian.

Bartholomew

Hold on a second. You named your dick after the Hurricanes’ mascot?

Judas

Yeah, why not. When I bang these chicks out it’s like a hurricane hit!

The room erupts with laughter.

Bartholomew

And he has the nerve to call the chick crazy!

Judas

Wait until you hear the story; she was nuts. Where was I? Yeah, she was down by Sebastian, but she wasn’t doing anything. She was simulating giving me a blowjob. I asked her what the hell she was doing and she said, “I’m into softcore porn.”

James

What? You’re kidding, right?

Judas

I’m dead serious. She got up and said, “maybe this will turn you on.” She gets on top of me and fakes like she’s riding me. After a few seconds, I stopped her and asked her if she was crazy. She said, “I want to save myself for the guy I love, but I like to fool around.” Long story short, ,I got the hell out of there.

Philip

That sucks. The chick was way too hot to be crazy. Damn shame.

Bartholomew

You should get her number, Phil; she sounds like the perfect girl for you.

James

Yeah, the two of you can fake having sex all night.

Everyone laughs except for Philip.

Philip

Real funny. You know I get mine.

James

No. That’s the point; we don’t know. All of your stories never end with any actual sex taking place.

Philip

I don’t have to prove anything to you. Just because I don’t commit statutory rape on a daily basis doesn’t mean I’m not getting any. Aren’t you leaving soon; don’t you have a sweet sixteen to go to?

The guys laugh.

Bartholomew

Hey Toby, another glass of the good stuff.

Judas

Hey can you get him to make one for me?

Bartholomew

Tell me another one of your stories, and if I feel entertained, I will allow him to get you a glass.

Judas

That’s fair. You remember Katie right?

Batholomew

Yeah, she was with you for a minute.

Philip

Yeah, I thought she was the one.

James

Speaking of the one; when are you going to smash your first one?

The guys all laugh but Philip. James hands Bartholomew a glass of whiskey.

Judas

Well, I didn’t even know her name until a month after we met.

Matthias

You went an entire month without knowing her name?

Judas

Yeah, it was crazy.

Bartholomew

What? How did you pull that off.

Judas

When I first met  her, I was all about smashing and never paid attention to her name. The second time I saw her, I asked if she had any nicknames as a child. She said that her friends only called her “K.” I didn’t know if her name was Katherine, Kim, or whatever. I told her since we were trying to be friends first, I’ll call her K. She ate that shit up. She actually thought that I was a great guy who was trying to get to know her. Well, I got to know how naive she was!

Bartholomew

Toby, bring this gentleman a glass of your finest whiskey.

Judas

Thanks, I thought you’d like that.

Simon

I hope you’re taking notes. You’ll be the one fetching drinks on Sunday.

Bartholomew

We’ll see; GO GATORS!

James hands Judas a glass of Black Label.

Judas

Thanks you sir. She said that she couldn’t sleep with someone until she fell in love. Which she said takes at least a year to be sure. I indulged her and kept her around. I always made excuses abouthaving to train clients whenever I wanted to avoid her, so it was cool.

Matthias

You made that girl believe she was in a relationship for a year?

Judas

Yeah, she brought it upon herself. I was perfectly content to bang her and then send her on her merry way. Why do you care anyway.

Matthias

You’re a complete jerk. I would never let my daughter any where near a guy like you.

Judas

You don’t have to worry about me. I don’t go after my friends sloppy seconds and we all know that James is going to smash your daughter in a few years.

Everyone laughs except for Matthias, who gives James a stern look.

James

Why are you looking at me? He said it.

Judas

A year after I met her, she started talking about our anniversary. I decided to get her flowers and we went out to dinner. As a surprise, she led me to a hotel room and I smashed it all night. It was cool, but nothing spectacular. After we were done, I gave her the surprise of her life.

Philip

Let me guess, herpes?

Judas

We all know you aren’t giving anyone herpes.

The guys laugh at Philip.

Judas

I told her that I didn’t feel a connection and I wanted to end things. She was crushed because she believed in true love, but I tried to tell her that I was all about sex. She started crying so I had to get the hell out of there. I said, good luck with the true love thing and bounced.

Bartholomew

That’s crazy. You’re going to have a stalker on your hands. That’s why I tell them the truth from jump; ain’t no boyfriend or love here.

Matthias

I don’t know how you sleep at night, Judas.

Judas

Bart smashes the same amount of chicks as me, but you never give him any shit.

Matthias

That’s because he doesn’t lie. For some reason, he tells the girls that he doesn’t want a commitment and they still sleep with him. He’s a lucky bastard.

Bartholomew

Tell him Matt, lying is wrong.

Judas

Matt lies. How do you think he was able to come here today; His wife thinks he’s reading law books at the library.

Matthias

I don’t have to lie to my wife. I go where I want and I get sex without having to trick her.

Bartholomew

You can get sex without getting married, too.

Matthias

You guys have no idea what you are talking about. I love my wife, and once you meet the right girl, you’ll understand.

James

What are you talking about? Every time I have one of my girls over here, you can’t stop staring at them.

Matthias

I can always look without touching.

Judas

Someone needs to tell that rule to Simon. He seems to have it backwards; he touches without even looking.

The room erupts with laughter.

Philip

Hey Simon, don’t you ever worry that your girl will start to cheat on you too?

Simon

Nope! I have a good girl.

Judas

I fucked a good girl once. It was…GOOD!

Everyone laughs.

James

How about you Phil; any new adventures.

Philip

I actually met this hot girl the other day.

Judas

Here we go. I can’t wait to hear this one.

Everyone laughs but Philip.

Philip

Like I was saying.I gave one of my students a ride home a couple weeks ago. He lived in an apartment building and I helped him with his heavy gym bag.

James

You fucked one of your students?

Philip

No, asshole! If you let me talk, I will tell the story.

James motions as if he is zipping up his lips.

Philip

As I was walking out of the building, a hot chick was approaching the door with two grocery bags. I asked if she wanted help and she was said, “sure.” I grabbed the bags and she called me a gentleman. Inside her apartment, she attempted to give me a twenty, but I let her know that her money was no good. She said she had to repay me somehow and asked me to stay for dinner.

Matthias

How was her cooking?

Judas

Are you kidding me? That’s what you want to know?

Bartholomew

Give him a break, he’s married.

Philip

Her cooking was pretty good.

Matthias gives Judas a taunting stare.

Philip

We finished the meal and she asked if I wanted to have some dessert while we watched some TV. I said yes and she made a fruit salad.

Judas

How appropriate. A fruit salad for the fruit!

The guys all laughed except for Philip.

Philip

Are you done?

Judas

You may continue.

Philip

Everything was going great until I noticed an opened condom wrapper in the bathroom garbage. This chick was an obvious slut. I had to make a quick decision; it was either ST-Do or ST-Don’t. I told her I had some papers to grade and got the hell out of there.

Matthias

ST-Do or ST-Don’t; that’s hilarious.

Judas

So you mean to tell me that you were in the chicks apartment, she was good to go and about that action, and you left?

James

C’mon Phil; what the hell were you thinking?

Philip

Sorry Judas, just because you don’t care about diseases doesn’t mean we’re alike. And James, you wouldn’t have liked her, she was way to old for you.

Judas

Classic Phil.

James

How big were her feet? did she have small feet?

Philip

Yeah, she had small girlie feet. What does that have to do with anything?

James

Damn, you fucked up. I’m working on a new theory. The size of a women’s feet is a direct correlation to the size of her vagina; big feet, big box. She had small feet Phil; you missed out!

Bartholomew

Dude, you’re the biggest idiot I have ever met.

James

I didn’t say it was an exact science. I said I was working on it. I still need a larger sample size. From now on, I want you guys to tell me about every chick you smash.

Bartholomew

Ok, I’ll try and remember. What a dumbass!

James

Hey Matt, how big are your wife’s feet?

Matthias

You’re an asshole!

James

What, you can’t take a joke?

Matthias

Damn, it’s already 8. I have to get going.

Judas motions as if he has a whip in his hand.

Judas

Whipish!

Bartholomew

Alright my man. ND sucks!

Matthias

Roll Tide! I’ll see you guys later.

Judas

If I ever get married, kill me!

Matthias

If my wife knew James sold drugs, I would be the one being killed. But,I’ll be sure to remember your comment in case you get married.

Simon

Don’t be late next week. Michigan will be the lone undefeated team!

He exits.

Bartholomew

I can’t wait for the new Toby!

Judas

You’re dumb.

They all laugh.

[It’s A Wrap!]

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I look forward to some feedback!

@PeteTeix617

 

Read Episode 2

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