A Conversation With God

I know what you’re thinking. How can I have a conversation with God, if I declared myself an atheist? Have I changed my mind? Did I get a vision during the night? NO! I am still an atheist but, after several comments about my imminent trip to hell, I decided to write about what would actually happen if the “God-fearing” people are indeed correct.

**In no way do I question the fact that “god” doesn’t exist! This post is entirely facetious.**

Here we go: That awkward moment when an atheist realizes that there is a God. Yikes!

The year is 2014. It’s September 26th, I am at an all time high because I just returned from my trip to Brazil to watch the host nation win it’s record sixth World Cup. It’s a significant day, the fifth year anniversary of my car accident. I sit down in front of the computer and proceed to write my reflection of the tragic event – the piece is amazing. (Humble, I know.) I prepare to post the finished product, but I am startled. Out of nowhere, thunder begins to roar in the sky. I quickly run to the window and lift the blinds; I marvel at the site. People seem to be losing their minds, running recklessly, trying to escape the massive lightening bolts which continue to strike the city. Cars are destroyed, trees are split in half, and telephone poles are knocked down; it’s pandemonium. For some unexplainable reason, I feel the need to have an unobstructed view of the sky; I climb on the roof. The thunder roars louder and the crackling lightning bolts strike closer. The only explanation I can think of is, Mother Nature must be on her period. (Honestly. That is exactly what I will think!)

In a dramatic show of defiance, I yell out, “come and get me ‘god!’ I do not fear thee. For I am your equal.”

Instantly, the sun zigzags in the sky. “This must be what Lucia, Jacinta, Francisco, and the people of Fatima, Portugal must have seen while standing in the field near Cova da Iria in 1917. This is my Miracle of the Sun.” I assume.

The sun moves closer, but I can’t feel the heat. I do my best to look away, but my eyes are fixed on the center. Slowly, a face begins to appear. I can see the mouth begin to move, and I hear a strong authoritative voice, “As the dog returns to his vomit, so the fool repeats his folly.”

I don’t even have a moment to take in the words. A massive lightning bolt, larger than any other that has been witnessed on earth, strikes me directly on the chest. There is nothing left of me…I no longer inhabit this realm. {You didn’t really think I was going to write about my death and not make it EPIC, did you?}

An incalculable amount of time elapses. I find myself, completely intact, standing on what I can only ascertain to be a nimbus cloud. There, directly in front of  me, is a giant. I roughly gauge his height to be six cubits, and he looks like he is obviously on the juice…and I don’t mean Natraburst! (The world’s best and most natural super foods blend!)

[I stare into his eyes.]

Me: “Who are you?”

God: “Come no nearer! Remove the sandals from your feet, for the place where you stand is holy ground.”

[I look down.]

Me: “What the heck. Sandals? What happened to the Jordans I had on?”  (Shameless plug #2. Hey Mike, if this blog grows a massive readership, I want to get PAID!)

[I look back up.]

Me: “And why are you quoting from Exodus 3-5? This is some freaky shit! First, the sun quotes from Proverbs 26-11, then, I meet a Giant who is also quoting from the Bible?”

God: “Quiet you imbecile! I am that I am.”

Me: “WHAT?”

God: “What don’t you understand? I’m God, you fool!”

Me: “God? Oh! You look taller in person.” [I can’t keep a straight face; he grows even more agitated, but I press on.] “Why didn’t You just say that? *Mocking God* I am that I am…what’s all that about?”

God: “You are already headed to Hell. Do you think it is wise to mock me?”

Me: “I’m going to Hell? What the Hell? What did I ever do to You?”

God: “Is that a serious question?”

Me: “Why do You keep asking me a questions? Shouldn’t you already know the answers…I thought you were all knowing?”

God: “I allow people to have free will. You make the choices and I will make the judgments. The fool’s mouth is his ruin; his lips are a snare to his life.”

Me: “Ok, You definitely need to come up with new material; that’s Proverbs 18-7. And why do You keep calling me a fool? Do You want to go to Hell with me? Need I remind His Highness of what you said in Matthew 5-22? ‘…And whoever says, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to fiery Gehenna’.”

God: “Clever! You’re laughing now but, he who laughs last–laughs best.”

Me: “That’s not from the Bible.”

God: “But I did invent it. It is I who is the inventor of all.”

Me: “What is all this, anyways? Why am I here? I thought I was going to Hell?”

God: “Oh, but you are my child! Before I send people to Hell, I like to converse with them.”

Me: “This is messed up! If I’m your child, why are you sending me to Hell? Can’t I go to my room, or be on timeout or something?”

God: “It is too late for forgiveness. I have already made my decision. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.”

Me: ”Really? You’re seriously going to quote Ramsey’s the second from the movie ‘The Ten Commandments?’ He wasn’t on your side, he was against Moses, remember?”

God: “Well, my good friend Charlton Heston is here and he always shivers when he hears me say that line.”

Me: “Hold on. If you have a sense of humor, why am I going to Hell? Didn’t you find some of the material funny? You have to admit, that Virgin Birth was hilarious.”

God: “Let me see. *tapping his index finger on his jaw and looking off to the left* You created a story in which Mary, the virgin-woman who I personally chose to be the mother of my son, is a common whore. I wonder why I don’t see the humor in that?”

Me: “Ok, I get it – you were pissed. Fine, send me to Hell; I don’t even care.”

God: “Before you go, I want you to answer me this? Why would someone who knows so much about the Bible, decide to be an atheist?”

Me: “Did you read that book? C’mon!” *Shrugs shoulder* “Why would you give me the ability to learn so much about the contradictions in the Bible, and the fallacies of the church, then expect me to still believe? You entrapped me, if you really think about it; isn’t that illegal or something?”

God: “I’ll look into it.” *a piece of parchment appears in his right hand, and a fountain pen in his left. He writes down some notes, then crumbles up the sheepskin and tosses it into a campfire which also appears.*

[I shake my head]

God: “You grew up in an extremely religious family; I gave you all of the opportunities to succeed, but you decided to leave the church. Why?”

Me: “Because you gave me the ability to use logic; how was I supposed to believe in your existence? There are people who grow up in remote jungles all over the world and they have zero ability to learn about you; how are they supposed to get into Heaven?”

God: “Easy…they’re not! The people who grow up in remote jungles are the one’s who commit unimaginable atrocities while they are on earth, yet stand before me and beg for forgiveness. In an effort to show mercy, I give them a second chance to gain entrance into Heaven.”

Me: “That’s cold, but I guess I understand now. But wait! What about all of the missionaries who risk their lives to teach the native people about the ‘Word of the Lord;’ doesn’t that ruin your plan?”

God: “Yes! Indeed it does. Those missionaries are always sent to Hell. Well, almost…I’m not going to send Tim Tebow to Hell!”

[I laugh]

Me: “Of course not! Everyone on earth knows Tebow is coming up here.”

God: “Yeah, St Peter is getting tired of being the gatekeeper; we’re just waiting for Tebow to come and replace him.”

Me: “Makes sense. I must say, you make it so difficult to get into Heaven. That’s one thing I’ve always wanted to ask…does the devil win most of the souls from earth?”

God: “Basically…it’s about 90-10.”

Me: “90-10? Wow! I knew it was bad, but I didn’t think it was that bad. So all of those people who went to church every Sunday and judged me for being an atheist, yet, lived ungodly lives…HELL?”

God: “Do you even have to ask?”

ME: “I guess I can at least take solace in that. *I nod my head approvingly* Since I’m here, I might as well make a suggestion. I’m going to throw this out there, if you don’t like it, you can throw it right back. The reason I think the devil is killing you, in the soul-gathering game, is your strategy; you need to rework your whole approach. I would say the main thing that you are lacking is a guarantee.”

[Crosses his arms and shakes his head.]

God: “Is that right?”

Me: “Yeah! Let me explain. You see, the devil doesn’t mess around. He comes out straight with it, ‘follow my example and I GUARANTEE you entrance into the kingdom of Hell.’ He doesn’t put any stipulations on it or anything. Straight up, real talk. It’s plain as day. You do evil, and he will accept you. You on the other hand, what’s with all the rules? I mean, someone can live a pious life, but make a few mistakes and not gain entrance into Heaven. People might as well be bad…at least you know what the outcome will be.”

God: “Sounds good to me! You chose the devil’s guarantee, so you know where you’re going.”

ME: “It’s OK; I don’t mind. Heaven seems boring as Hell. Excuse the pun. I’d rather be in Hell anyways, that’s where all the fun people are at! I’m sure it’ll suck at first but, after a while, I’ll adjust to the flames. Eventually, it’ll be on and poppin’.”

God: “I’d be lying if I said this conversation wasn’t amusing, but your time is up. Enjoy the heat! Oh yeah, watch your ass – they separate the men from the women down there!”

Me: “WHAT? That doesn’t seem fair for straight guys! You mean to tell me that I have to spend an eternity with a bunch of sweaty men? How come gay dudes get to be together?”

God: “What can I tell you…the devil’s gay! You should have considered that before you followed him.”

[I slowly begin to descend.]

Me: “Followed him? What are you talking about, followed him? I was an atheist, not a devil worshipper! Hey Big G! Stop this thing…we have to talk!”

God: “Have fun!”

Me: “FUCK!”

God: “Literally!”

[THE END]

Back to reality. That would suck ass! Too bad it’ll never happen!!!

“Thank “god” I’m an atheist” – Salvador Dali

Isn’t it ironic *Alanis Morissette singing in the background*

@PeteTeix617

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